“My family doesn’t understand how I let this happen! I don’t get it either, I am so embarrassed and confused. This is not like me at all, I am usually such a strong person. I don’t know why I am putting up with this.”
“My friends say they are frustrated and don’t understand why I keep going back. I can’t explain it and I don’t really get it either. I feel powerless over this situation and I know it’s toxic but it’s almost like I can’t help myself.”
And a variation of this…
“My mom says that all relationships have problems. She says he’s so great and wonderful to me that I’m being spoiled for being upset about our problems and wanting to leave. My own family is on his side because they like him so much.”
Narcissistic abuse isn’t something that happens to unintelligent people. While it definitely exists across all sorts of demographic spectrums, I find that most victims/survivors are beautiful, brilliant, often highly educated and successful. And it’s not just women. The men that have been abused within a narcissistic relationship are generally great guys. Successful, good looking and an amazing catch.
So what gives?
First, it's important to understand the trauma bond. The most addictive form of reinforcement known to human beings is intermittent reinforcement. Think of pulling a slot machine handle vs. a steady paycheck. You could pull that handle 3 times or 300. You never know when you’re going to get a payout. When you finally get one the thrill is pretty fantastic. Even if you’ve put in 1000 to get that 100 payout from that slot machine it feels so exciting. Now think about your regular paycheck. Are you excited when you receive it, even if you have a generous salary? Nope. Same time each week, usually about the same amount. Predictable and kind of boring.
Being with a charming narcissist, covert narcissist or usually any type of abuser is like this. In the beginning they shine. They love bomb their target by skillfully reading what types of adoration will melt their new partner’s defenses. They might overwhelm them with acts of service and words of affirmation. They might act like a wounded bird who needs the skillful love and support of an amazing person to finally overcome their problems, and you see them making some self-improvement that feels SO GOOD. They come on hot and heavy at the beginning then as problems start they still drop the occasional breadcrumb which keeps you holding on longing for those magical early days of the relationship. You are thinking those breadcrumbs are signs that the part of them that was front and center at the beginning of the relationship is still in there and will soon come around. But this is all part of the game. This is called narcissistic abuse or psychological abuse.
These guys are good. Like mastermind level good at reading people and lying. Their entire lives and pathology are organized around an exploitive, dishonest dynamic. They are unable to form normal attachments or relationships and instead base their relationships on transactional exploitation where they set themselves up to “win,” so this is their wheelhouse. I am saying that by the time you realize it is an unfixable pattern and not a one time situational event it is usually once you are somehow attached or vulnerable to them.
In fact, it is common for the worst of their behavior to come out after one of three major milestones:
1. An engagement.2. Getting married.
3. Pregnancy.
Like I said, these guys are good. They also have all sorts of excuses for their bad behavior. Things are bad at work. They’re dealing with childhood issues. You’re distracted with a newborn and coping with postpartum healing and they are just so darn lonely so they couldn’t resist the lure of that other person. These stressors might be understandable if it was a one-time event but this guy seems to have constant reasons for his bad behavior and is more invested in making excuses rather than improving his coping skills and behavior.
Remember that beginning phase where they were so great? Now if your family and friends don’t see through his BS patterns they become his biggest champion and they tell you they think he’s fantastic. He’s charmed your mom. Taken your dad golfing. Helped your best friend move. Your family has seen the wine and roses that he has figuratively or literally lavished on you. Of course behind the scenes he is cheating on you, cleaning out your bank account, or grabbed you by the neck just that one time because he had a really bad day at work. It’s hard for family and friends to wrap their heads around how this charming, stand-up guy could really be so bad. And after all, don’t all relationships have problems? Often by the time family “gets it” they inappropriately expect you to reverse months or years of mastermind level manipulation and brainwashing and just leave as if it’s as easy as just changing your socks.
The other thing that can make us vulnerable to men or women like this is our own family systems. Narcissistic abuse syndrome often starts in childhood. Maybe one of our parents was a narcissist or abusive or an addict. Or a sibling (an underrated vulnerability to narcissism in adulthood) was our abuser. We were taught to put up with these things, to placate, that love means enduring a lot of abuse. This is a very challenging situation to untangle but with the right therapy and support you can re-set your emotional thermostat and rewire what real love looks like in your life.
The other type of family that I see that can make people vulnerable to narcissists is VERY GOOD and loving families that teach us that all people are good. You might not agree with me on this, but not all people are good and it is important to learn to trust what we see with our eyes and feel with our guts and set boundaries that keep us safe. Sometimes if our families were incredibly safe growing up there is an expectation that the rest of the world is safe and sadly it is not. That doesn’t mean you can’t find trustworthy people and real love, it just means you have to love and trust yourself first.
We like to believe that their real personality is that charming sweet person they were in the beginning. But we are not sure that is the real person anymore. For example, the real personality is probably the guy that rages at you, the guy that calls you awful names, the one that kicked your dog and ran your car into a pole because he was mad at you. Then he cried and blamed you for his actions because you told him you found out he had been having an affair with the babysitter. That’s the real him and the rest was just a façade to pull you in. Trust your gut.
