Narcissistic Personality Disorder Signs

When most people think about abuse, whether parental, spousal, etc, they tend to focus on physical abuse. Mental and emotional abuse can be just as damaging, if not more so. Especially when the abuse comes from someone close to the abused. The residual effects of this abuse can be devastating. The worst kind of abuse comes from those so preoccupied with themselves that they fail or refuse to see or even care about the consequences of their actions. This narcissistic abuse is found in many different kinds of relationships including parent-child, spouse/significant other, and also friendships. Emotional abuse by a narcissistic parent is especially insidious as often it damages the child’s ability to form stable relationships later in life. The most likely reason is that due to a lack of an appropriate model of a healthy relationship, children who suffered emotional abuse tend to end up in similar abusive relationships when they grow up.

The 80s

The 1980s are often viewed as a time when egocentrism and self-centeredness were not just acceptable but often expected. It seemed the “Me Generation” created new extremes of narcissism. With many happy to disregard other’s well-being in favor of their own. Despite this shift to inward focus, when we think of this period in time, most of the individuals we think of were and are not true narcissists in the strictest sense of the word.

A Little History

The term narcissism is derived from the Greek story of Narcissus, a Naissus, a hunter. The son of the river god Cephissus and the nymph Liriope. Narcissus possessed such beauty that even he himself was not free of the attraction. To avenge a wrongdoing, the god Nemesis tricked him into gazing into a pool of water. Narcissus saw and fell in love with his own reflection. He could not tear himself away from staring at himself. He eventually died there contemplating his own fair features.

Narcissism is defined as “vanity; inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love”. In psychoanalytic terms “erotic gratification derived from admiration of one’s own physical or mental attributes, being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development.” This term is used for common self-absorption. It does not go deep enough. A more extreme form was added to the psychological literature in 1968 as a definable diagnosis.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Signs.

The current Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM- V) of the American Psychiatric Association defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder as:

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. A grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements, exaggerates talents achievements and talents,).

2. Preoccupied with fantasies of power, brilliance, unlimited success, beauty, or ideal love.

3. Believes he or she is somehow “special” and unique. Can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high- status people (or institutions).

4. Requires excessive admiration.

5. A sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her wishes and expectations.

6. Interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.

7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling/unable to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.

8. Often envious of others. Believes others are envious of him or her.

9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

In addition, to justify a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the following criteria must be met by:

1. Impairments in self-functioning (a or b)

a. Identity: Excessive reference to others for self-esteem regulation and self-definition; exaggerated self-appraisal may be inflated or deflated, or vacillate between extremes; emotional regulation mirrors fluctuations in self-esteem.

b. Self-direction: Goal-setting is based on gaining approval from others; personal standards are too low based on a sense of entitlement, or unreasonably high in order to see oneself as exceptional; often unaware of their own motivations.

AND

2. Impairments in interpersonal functioning (a or b):

a. Empathy: Impaired ability to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others; excessively attuned to reactions of others, but only if perceived as relevant to self; over or underestimate their effect on others.

b. Intimacy: All their relationships are largely superficial and exist just to serve self-esteem regulation; mutuality constrained by little if any genuine interest in other peoples experiences and predominance of a need for their own personal gain.

Pathological personality traits in the following domain:

1. Antagonism, characterized by:

a. Grandiosity: Feelings of entitlement, either overt or covert; self-centeredness; firmly holding to the belief that one is better than others; condescending toward others.

b. Attention seeking: Excessive attempts to attract and be the focus of the attention of others; admiration seeking.

c. Their impairments in personality functioning and the individual personality trait expression are relatively stable across time and consistent across all situations.

d. Their impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are not better understood as normative for the individual’s developmental stage or the socio-cultural environment. ie: It has nothing to do with what age they are, or the environment or society they are in.

e. Their impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are not solely due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., severe head trauma). ie: It’s their normal way of behaving

Don’t Let It Overwhelm You

I know all of this may seem overwhelming. If we focus on a few key portions of the diagnosis then we can see how a relationship a Narcissistic Personality Disorder affected person can easily become a living Hell. As previously mentioned, individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder feel that they are more important than other people. Not only placing themselves on a pedestal but thinking others do the same. A healthy relationship does not consist of one person lording over another, but that is all they are capable of. Narcissists can not form healthy relationships.

The second quote states that there is an inability to form proper attachments due to a lack of empathy for others and an inability to form intimate relationships. Especially telling is “Relationships [are] largely superficial and exist to serve self-esteem regulation.” (emphasis added).

One Way Street

A relationship with a Narcissistic Personality Disordered individual is a one-way street. All attention and emotional support flow from the individual to the narcissist. Relationships of this kind are often characterized by verbal and mental abuse(often very subtle) belittling, complaining, and even physical abuse. Narcissists believe that they can do no wrong, so any problems with the relationship – and even problems which arise in day to day living – are the fault of the other partner. If a mistake is made, the partner is somehow the one to blame.

The narcissists’ need for attention and admiration means they constantly seek out individuals who will reinforce their inflated sense of self-worth. This usually leads to a series of short relationships and a long list of discarded partners. If married, the narcissist will rarely, if ever be faithful. If infidelity is discovered, the partner is to blame for not being pretty enough, caring enough, etc.

The Effect On Victims

Victims of narcissistic abuse often display similar characteristics to their abusers (though they do not turn into true narcissists themselves it should be pointed out). These characteristics include a poor sense of self-worth, and perhaps an inability to make their own decisions. If they have spent years being told that they are not smart enough, not good enough, not enough, then over time they come to internalize such negative statements. So they doubt themselves, and their own abilities. This is done by the narcissist to make them more reliant upon their abuser, creating a cycle of co-dependency.

With regards to parental care, this is one of the most troubling aspects of narcissistic abuse. If constantly belittled, children grow up believing they are not worthy, not capable. When they finally escape the control of a narcissistic parent(s), they lack essential coping skills to survive on their own. Doubting themselves and their own decision-making capabilities and crippled by poor self-esteem, they often gravitate towards someone who’ll accept them, their self-perceived flaws and all. They gravitate toward someone who will make decisions for them. In short, they end up in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser. Ending up with someone exactly like the very people who abused them in the first place, their parents.

Escape

Anyone who has suffered narcissistic abuse may display any number of emotional and physical symptoms. Symptoms that may be difficult to attribute to the relationship as these symptoms are the result of stresses they face daily. These include confusion, disassociation, poor eating and sleeping habits, and even signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). For those in a relationship with a narcissist, it is especially difficult to get help as they are so conditioned to looking to their abuser for most if not all decision-making. This poor sense of self-worth making it easy for them to ignore any thought that they deserve better.

Brainwashing

In their minds, no one else would have them (my narc partner even loved to tell me that all the time). They should be happy with the relationship they’re in (despite the fact that they are unhappy) This is a theme which the abuser will constantly reinforce as well. often in very subtle ways, but it’s a persistent message. It is possible to escape the cycle of narcissistic abuse, and though difficult, it pays off in the long run. Things are never going to improve with your narcissistic partner. The first step is accepting that you or anyone else deserves the demands and constant humiliation of the narcissist.

Over time, as the self-image is restored to a healthy level, it becomes easier to make decisions without the abuser’s input. Naturally, this is an extremely difficult process. It may require the help of (close)friends(if you have any left by this stage) and outsiders including professionals (doctors, attorneys, police even). It is very common for narcissistic abusers to restrict their partners’ access to others, including friends, especially those who would express opinions which run contrary to their grandiose sense of self.

Finally, some points to remember. It pays to keep the following points in mind. It can help get you through a difficult time.

Few of us want to discover and accept that our partner might have NPD Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It leads many to turn a blind eye, pretend the abuse is not happening, that we’re imagining it. Remember, if your partner is a true narcissist, that is, they have NPD, or may even be a Malignant Narcissist. They have been this way for a very long time.

Please Take Note

Narcissistic Personality Disorder develops in childhood, with the narcissist getting permanently trapped, due mainly to abuse and trauma of some kind, at the emotional age of roughly a 5 or 6-year-old. At this stage, there is no known cure for NPD and it doesn’t look like there will be a cure any time soon. On a conscious level, narcissists do not know, nor can accept they have NPD. They cannot admit to having a problem, everyone else has the problem.

Narcissists are NOT driven by an over-inflated ego and grandiose sense of self – Despite what you might read or anyone might tell you. Their false self, the image they project to the world and even themselves yes, this self has an over-inflated ego and grandiose sense of self – dig a little deeper and you will find what motivates and drives them is a burning need to contain and bury the unbearable feelings of shame and fear that lies within them.

Narcissists are not strong. They are incredibly weak and co-dependent. More often than not, they need you, more than you need them. It may be hard to believe I know, but in most cases it’s true.

If your narcissist has discarded you, just remember, it’s because they have drained you dry and left you weak.

They are emotional vampires. Recover and get all your strength, power, and independence back, and more than likely someday your own personal vampire will come sniffing around your door again.

Again.

THERE IS NO CURE FOR NPD.

You cannot help them.

You can only help yourself.

What to Expect When the Narcissist Finally Leaves You Alone

Ending a relationship with a narcissist is one of the hardest things any survivor should have to endure. Whether you left the narcissist or they discarded you, it matters not. The trauma that you’re left with is equally intense and the aftermath is always a shit-storm. Narcissists never let their victims go easily and will often perpetuate the abuse long after the relationship has ended. To them, if you were once a valuable source of supply, you will always be expected to hand over your life force energy whenever they demand it.

No doubt you’ve experienced some or all of the following:

▪️The narcissist trying to hoover you back into their abusive cycle

▪️Further gaslighting, baiting, word salads and manipulations

▪️Devastating smear campaigns and having your good name dragged through the mud

▪️Damaging lies

▪️Having to watch the narcissist move on with their new supply, while totally nullifying your very existence

▪️Turning your friends and family against you

The real damage of narcissistic abuse actually hits after you’ve been discarded or have to flee for your own safety and survival. Every single day you find yourself battling with anxiety and C-PTSD from the relationship itself. Then there’s the lack of closure, being totally disregarded, realising that they never actually loved you and a million other unanswered questions. To rub further salt into the wound, which is the narcissist’s specialty, they will continue to harass, threaten, coerce and manipulate you even after the relationship has ended.

They’ll be sending you messages, ringing your phone, driving by or showing up at your house unannounced. They will be using social media to keep effortlessly triggering you, while still coming across as a “nice guy/ girl” or “the poor victim” to keep up their public image. The triggers will be coming thick and fast. It’s all you can do to hold your shit together and survive the bare minimum of what is required of each day. Then, all of a sudden, the narcissist leaves you alone.

Just like that, they’ve gone from an all-consuming obsessed ex, in the most toxic of ways, to radio silence. Where does that leave you? You would think you’d be jumping for joy and clinking cocktails with your friends in celebration of your new-found freedom. However, when there is deep trauma and abuse involved, things aren’t so black and white.



When the Narcissist Leaves You Alone

It’s totally normal to actually yearn for the narc and feel extremely empty once the narcissist leaves you alone. Even though it’s exactly what you’ve been wishing for, when it finally happens it can come as a blow. This is when you can easily forget about all of the abuse that the narcissist inflicted upon you, while your mind selectively highlights many of the good times that you had instead. It’s easy to slip into thoughts of, “were they really that bad? Maybe I’ve overreacted and made half of this stuff up.” It’s easy to mistake this empty feeling for ‘love’ or thinking that you miss the narcissist. However I’m here to tell you that love has nothing to do with it.



The Narcissist Has Left You With Their Empty Black Hole

During the relationship with the narcissist they actively dumped all of their unhealed wounds onto you. They presented them to you in such a way that you genuinely thought they must have been your own wounds, so you willingly accepted them. You see, long ago, the narcissist experienced some type of trauma, which caused them to feel unworthy, shameful and broken. However, they did not want to feel any of those things, so they cast out their True Self in order to self-avoid in the most severest of ways.

Without their True Self, their ego was left to reign. But, since there is nothing real or authentic about the ego, it had to create a False Self in order to get its needs met. In order for the ego to stay in full control, it needs to keep the narcissist from the truth – that they are in fact a flawed human being, just like the rest of us. However, the narcissist’s False Self utterly refuses to see that truth.

Now the narcissist is left with a gaping black hole inside, where their True Self used to reside. What that empty void feels like to the narcissist is self-loathing, disgust, resentment, despair and hatred. To avoid having to acknowledge the truth of who they really are, the narcissist is on a constant hunt for supply. Life force energy is the only thing that will grant the narcissist with a temporary reprieve from their own darkness. Of course, no one in their right mind is going to just hand over their own precious life force to an empty, dark soul. So, the narcissist needs to manipulate, coerce, bully and force it from others in order for them to get their hands upon it.

Narcissists are energetic vampires without a conscience. They need to suck life force energy from whole beings in order to survive. Since the narcissist cut off access to the divine creator of all that is, their ego is now their master. The narcissist now believes that they are a god because there is nothing else that sits above them. Their ego has created an entire false universe, whereby they are the centre. Therefore, they believe that everyone and everything else in their world was placed there for them to use as they see fit.

The narcissist’s whole life purpose now is to consume the life force energy of others in order to psychologically survive. Consequently, they can only ever see other people as tools to help them obtain that supply. Narcissists treat other people horrendously and can justify their behaviour until they’re blue in the face. Their gaslighting, guilt-trips, word salads, blame-shifting and projections are relentless.

Throughout your relationship with the narcissist, your self-worth was attacked and you were psychologically manipulated until you were too exhausted to keep fighting. Energetically, the narcissist was not only sucking out your life force energy through every exchange, but they were also dumping their garbage onto you so that they didn’t have to carry it. Even though you were not consciously aware of it, when you took on the unhealed wounds of the narcissist, they were able to go off and be free of them. However, you were left standing there with a backpack full of their bricks, which you then had to carry around all by yourself.

Have you ever wondered why you’d often feel drained after an exchange with the narcissist, yet they’d be skipping off into the sunset feeling great? It’s because they’d just unloaded their wounds onto you.

When we take on the energy that the narcissist is throwing at us, we end up carrying their black hole for them. The craziest thing is, when we continue to ruminate and feel the pain of all the terrible things that they’ve done, we are actually protecting them from their own karma. Think of it like this. Everything in the universe is energy. If someone (a narcissist) doesn’t want to feel their own negative energy (wounds), they may choose to project that energy onto somebody else.

That person can either accept or reject that energy. If they accept it, then the narcissist is no longer burdened by that energy. However, if the person rejects it, the energy goes back to the narcissist for them to deal with. Sure, the narcissist will just find another empathetic sucker who they can prey on to dump their black hole onto. But that will be that person’s lesson to learn, which is none of your business. We can never control what someone else does or doesn’t do. We can only ever control our own selves. The ultimate in self-worth is being 100% responsible for yourself and allowing others to be 100% responsible for themselves, while lovingly allowing them to take their own journey.

If you feel an empty black hole inside of you once the narcissist leaves you alone, you are most likely still carrying the narcissist’s emptiness. The solution is to take all of your energy and attention off the narcissist and fully focus on healing your own wounds and traumas. From there, the narcissist will naturally become irrelevant and their psychic connection to your life force will be severed. All of the narcissist’s unhealed wounds that you were still carrying will be energetically sent back to themselves to deal with.



The Trauma Bond

One of the main reasons for that feeling of yearning, when the narcissist leaves you alone for good, is due to the trauma bond. A trauma bond is where a victim of abuse feels connected to their abuser on an emotional level. They will feel a sense of loyalty to the very person who exploited them. The trauma bond is created intentionally and slowly over time through intermittent punishments and rewards.



Intermittent Reinforcement

The narcissist will berate, devalue, gaslight, rage and stonewall their victim when they are unhappy with their behaviour. Then they will often issue out a heavy silent treatment. Their victim is left in a heightened state of anxiety and their nervous system is fried. They’re walking on eggshells because the precarious position, which the narcissist has left them in, feels torturous. Then the narcissist will come in and randomly deliver a ‘reward.’ This could be simply the ending of the silent treatment or it could come as attention, flattery, generosity or gifts.

The victim will feel such immense relief at the punishment being over, that they will be flooded with a rush of the body’s feel-good chemicals (dopamine, serotonin etc.). The narcissist purposely keeps their victim hanging out and waiting to receive the reprieve that they are so desperately seeking. By this point, the narcissist well and truly knows how to control you on an emotional level and they love it!



The Addiction

Being in a relationship with an abuser who randomly punishes and rewards ends up keeping you in a perpetual state of wanting to please the narcissist. You’re constantly in the anxious energy of not wanting to cause the narcissist to aimlessly punish you. Plus, you’re always hanging onto the hope of receiving the random acts of ‘kindness,’ which are actually withheld from you as a form or control and manipulation.

The issuing of intermittent punishments, which are then backed up by spontaneous rewards, creates an addiction. The narcissist intentionally got you addicted to their behaviour without you ever realising what was happening. Your body becomes addicted to the rollercoaster of a relationship where you are riding the chemical highs and lows. Heartbreakingly, as time goes on, the lows get lower and you don’t end up needing so much to gain relief.mIn the beginning of the relationship you may have been receiving flowers or intoxicating affection as the reward. But as time wore on, the reward was just that the narcissist started talking to you again and pretended as if nothing had happened.

You feel so incredibly relieved at being granted communication by them, that your body releases the feel-good chemicals and you gain your relief. As a knock-on effect, you don’t want to approach the narcissist about their cruel behaviour, because you’re fearful of being thrown straight back down into the punishment dungeon. So, you go along and pretend like everything’s okay, just to keep the peace for as long as you can. Which means that the narcissist just got away with their abuse.

After it’s all said and done, the narcissist actually needed you, not the other way around. That’s why they had to fabricate an inverted relationship dynamic with the illusion of you needing them, all so that you’d never cotton on to the truth. And they resent you for that! The narcissist needed to keep you in that cycle so that they could control you and hold you in place to be a steady source of supply for them.



The Trauma Bond Beyond the Relationship

Unfortunately, most people never even find out about trauma bonds until after they’ve left the narcissistic relationship. Usually when trying to find the answer as to why they still feel the narcissist’s hooks so strongly, they’ll stumble upon the phrase, then dig deeper. The trauma bond that was created by the narcissist throughout the relationship, doesn’t just disappear when you (or they) walk out the door. It’s a deep program that needs to be released.

How the trauma bond can manifest when the narcissist leaves you alone for good:

▪️Guilt – You may feel guilty for not chasing them or extending yourself to them

▪️Fear – You will probably be afraid of what the narcissist will say or do next

▪️Yearning – You might even yearn for the narcissist and feel like you miss them

The most important thing at this stage in the game is to not reach out to the narcissist! Your body will be craving the relief that it was so used to receiving every time the narcissist went cold towards you throughout the relationship. Whether you feel like ringing them crying, sending a heartfelt message or demanding some closure, please realise that all of those things will just further feed the narcissist with supply. They will not sympathise with you because they simply do not care. But your attention towards them will make them feel extremely important and validate for them that they can still control your emotions.

It’s time for you now to unhook yourself and heal. Like any addiction, the initial shock of losing the ‘drug’ will be uncomfortable. Go easy on yourself and remember that it will only be a short while until the initial intense pain subsides. Go into your cave, cry, howl, hide under the blankets and allow the despair, sadness and pain to flow out of your body.



Realise Your Freedom

By now you may be having some fantastic moments where you are really recognising how free you are without the narcissist in your life.

‣ No longer do you have to live in an endless state of anxiety.

‣ No longer do you have to hand your life force energy over to a dark soul.

‣ No longer do you have to sacrifice your own needs and desires for someone who can only ever love themselves.

‣ No longer do you have someone breathing down your neck or completely devaluing your existence.

However, you’ll probably also find that the C-PTSD and triggers will often increase as more time passes if you’re not doing the healing work.

You might get to the point where you think, “why do I feel like I’m getting worse rather than better?”



The Spiritual Lesson of the Narcissistic Relationship

More than anything, the spiritual lesson behind narcissistic relationships is for us to see in this manifest world just how dangerous it is to hand our power away to others. What the narcissist preyed on was the fact that you were seeking love, validation, security and/ or survival outside of yourself. As you heal up your traumas from this lifetime and past lifetimes, you will materialise stronger and clearer into your true authentic sovereign self.

It’s all about learning that the true, authentic sources of love, validation, security and survival can only ever come from within. They can only be found through your connection with your higher self. The next stage in your evolution is to walk your healing journey, shift out the old wounds and programming and come home to your true self. Throughout the process you will level up throughout your life, from the small things to the large, as your self-worth increases.

Your light will shine so bright that you will never be a narcissist magnet again for two reasons:

▪️Firstly, you will spot their inauthenticity a mile away!

▪️Secondly, you will be vibrating at a frequency higher than where any narcissist is able to live because their energy simply cannot tolerate it.

This journey may be arduous, but it’s so worth it. You’ve got this! So, give yourself all the time that you need to heal and find your way home because ascension doesn’t happen in a day.



Give Yourself the Closure You Need

I know how devastating it can be when the narcissist leaves you alone, only to have to face a whole host of harsh truths. The reality is, the narcissist is not the person who they always pretended to be, nor are they the person who you so desperately wanted and needed them to be. Coming to terms with this truth can feel soul-crushing, however once you can accept it, you will be able to speed up your healing.

Here are the answers to some bitter truths that we need to acknowledge in order to give ourselves the closure, which we’ll never receive from a self-serving narcissist.



Why the Narcissist is Ignoring You

Narcissists can ignore for multiple reasons, but it’s always strategic. Ignoring someone is a very passive aggressive way to punish someone by withholding communication. If the narcissist ghosts you, it’s often another show of their emotional immaturity and inability to engage in healthy conflict resolution.

Reasons a Narcissist Ignores You: ▪️To regain their position of power ▪️To strengthen the trauma bond ▪️To devalue your existence ▪️They want you to chase them ▪️They’ve got a new source of supply ▪️Final discard (they’re done with you for good) When the narcissist leaves you alone and ignores you, take it as a universal blessing to let them bugger off once and for all. The real test is to not allow them back in should they decide to come kicking back around when they’re low on supply in the future.



The Narcissist Will Never Give You Closure

The narcissist will never give you closure because that would involve taking some level of responsibility for the break down of the relationship, which we know they are incapable of. Beyond that, they want to make sure that the door is always ajar for them to come back in and extract some more supply from you in the future. I mean, it’s way easier to tap into old supply, who you already know how to manipulate, than it is to start again with someone else, right? Especially if times get lean and they need a quick fix.

The narcissist also doesn’t want you to move on. They don’t like to share and they don’t want to see their old toy being played with by someone else (yep, that’s their level of emotional maturity). And while you’re still hung up on trying to get them to acknowledge you or give you some answers, you’re still feeding them attention, significance and supply.



The Narcissist Will Never Accept Accountability for the Abuse

There is no benefit, in the narcissist’s eyes, to accept any accountability for their atrocious behaviour towards you or anyone else. And they’re certainly no interested in evolving as a human being or creating healthy, reciprocal relationships. All the narcissist cares about is surrounding themselves with people who will validate and go along with their false illusion without question. If you hang around, expecting the narcissist to take responsibility for their words and actions, you’ll be dead in your grave and still waiting.

For the narcissist to accept accountability would be to admit that their whole False Self is a complete fabrication, which is something they themselves refuse to acknowledge. A much healthier way to approach the issue it to accept within yourself that the narcissist is a defective person, who lives in a delusional reality. You can’t change them, but you can stop enabling their warped illusion.



The Narcissist Will Never Feel Guilty or Remorseful for How They Treated You

As much as we want more than anything for the narcissist to see how much they’ve hurt us and simply say, “I’m sorry,” it just isn’t going to happen my friend. Without the resources to feel empathy and compassion towards you, they will never feel guilty for their behaviour. They don’t have a moral compass or conscience to gauge good behaviour from bad behaviour. To them, it’s not about good or bad, it’s merely, “what can this person give me?” When it comes to remorse, well that would involve the narcissist taking responsibility for their actions, so we might as well take that off the table.

When the narcissist leaves you alone, don’t waste your energy trying to make them feel guilty for all that they’ve done to you. Instead, learn how to funnel that energy into your self-care and healing. You’ve spent the entire relationship filling them up with energy, now it’s time to take it away from them and give it to yourself.



The Narcissist May Miss You, But Not Authentically

If the narcissist is all wrapped up in new supply, they won’t be missing you one bit. In their reality, the new person is giving them way more than what you could right now, so that makes them more valuable. Take it as a compliment! On the other hand, if the narcissist’s new supply is non-existent or not working out as they’d hoped, they may be missing you. But… it’s not because they miss you as a person. They never truly saw you as an autonomous person in the first place, so they’re not about to start doing so now. If they miss you, it’s because they miss what you did for them and gave to them. They miss seeing the love and care in your eyes that you had towards them. And that’s where it ends.



Keep Your Tears to Yourself

As tempting as it is to show the narcissist your tears in order to really drive home how much they’ve hurt you, I would heavily advise against it. When a narcissist sees you cry, they will actually gain more supply as it further enhances how much they can affect you. Your tears will validate to them that they must be so incredibly powerful and important to elicit such a heavy reaction from you. As we’ve just covered, the narcissist has no capacity to feel remorse or guilt, so not only are your tears wasted, but they will give them more fuel. When the narcissist leaves you alone, there may be tears for sure. But use them to release your pain, rather than to try and get any kind of sympathy from the narcissist.

13 Common Behaviors and Values of Narcissistic People

People with narcissistic personalities may behave differently than non-narcissists, such as shunning introspection and denying mistakes. Narcissists may also have different values than non-narcissists, such as status and image as opposed to compassion and authenticity. Identifying the destructive behaviors that characterize narcissism can help people recognize and cope with narcissistic people.

If you have a person with high levels of narcissism in your life, it is more likely that you will become exhausted, overwhelmed, or confused than it is that the narcissist will change.People with a narcissistic style or diagnosable narcissistic personality disorder stubbornly cling to their psychological defenses and rarely cease promoting their own image. Over time, you may become inured to how extreme and costly their actions are.

That's why it is important to do a reality check on narcissistic behaviors as opposed to healthier behaviors.



Differences in Behavior Characteristics of Narcissists:

Shun introspection

Lack empathy

Become hypersensitive to slights

Act impulsively

Spoil others’ good moods

Deny or hide mistakes

Are driven by fear

Blame others

Stonewall or withdraw when upset

Get enraged when criticized

Pursue win-lose strategies

Hold grudges

Have one-way relationships





Characteristics of Non-Narcissists: Value introspection

Care about the feelings of others

Don’t personalize others’ actions

Seek spontaneity

Celebrate others’ good moods

Seek to learn from mistakes

Cultivate hope

Take responsibility

Communicate when upset

Accept constructive criticism

Seek win-win solutions

Seek resolution

Have reciprocal relationships

Narcissistic behaviors such as those listed above are generally designed to disguise insecurities. Some behaviors, like avoiding introspection, denying mistakes, stonewalling, or blaming others, seek to shine the spotlight away from a narcissist's perceived flaws. Others, such as spoiling others' good moods, holding grudges, and being hypersensitive to slights and criticism, are designed to put others on the defensive in hopes that others will be less likely to challenge a narcissist's fragile ego and shaky self-image. Still others, such as having one-way relationships or lacking empathy, reflect the difficulties narcissists have in engaging in anything other than superficial or transactional relationships.



Differences in Values

The contrast between people with narcissism and healthier individuals is also striking in what they value.

Values of People with Narcissism:

Perfection

Get attention from others

Superiority

Winning

Status

Image

Values of Non-Narcissists:

Growth

Connect with others

Equality

Fairness

Compassion

Authenticity



Narcissists hold values such as perfection, winning, superiority, and status in the hope that doing so will bring them greater attention and approval. Their values, like their behaviors, tend to be self-aggrandizing, as opposed to more inclusive values such as connection, compassion, and authenticity held by non-narcissists.

Recognizing how different the behaviors and values of narcissistic people are can give rise to four valuable questions:

1)Do you allow people with narcissism to treat you differently than you let others treat you?

2)If so, why?

3)What is the cost?

4)Is it worth it?



The answers to these questions can lead you to set healthier boundaries with people who are narcissistic. As with most personality disorders, narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by distorted views of one's self, others, and the world. By seeing such distortions, and then identifying and staying true to your values, you can hold your own in the face of narcissistic people and behavior.