The 1980s are often viewed as a time when egocentrism and self-centeredness were not just acceptable but often expected. It seemed the “Me Generation” created new extremes of narcissism. With many happy to disregard other’s well-being in favor of their own. Despite this shift to inward focus, when we think of this period in time, most of the individuals we think of were and are not true narcissists in the strictest sense of the word. A Little History
The term narcissism is derived from the Greek story of Narcissus, a Naissus, a hunter. The son of the river god Cephissus and the nymph Liriope. Narcissus possessed such beauty that even he himself was not free of the attraction. To avenge a wrongdoing, the god Nemesis tricked him into gazing into a pool of water. Narcissus saw and fell in love with his own reflection. He could not tear himself away from staring at himself. He eventually died there contemplating his own fair features.
Narcissism is defined as “vanity; inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love”. In psychoanalytic terms “erotic gratification derived from admiration of one’s own physical or mental attributes, being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development.” This term is used for common self-absorption. It does not go deep enough. A more extreme form was added to the psychological literature in 1968 as a definable diagnosis. Narcissistic Personality Disorder Signs.
The current Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM- V) of the American Psychiatric Association defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder as:
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1. A grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements, exaggerates talents achievements and talents,).
2. Preoccupied with fantasies of power, brilliance, unlimited success, beauty, or ideal love.
3. Believes he or she is somehow “special” and unique. Can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high- status people (or institutions).
4. Requires excessive admiration.
5. A sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her wishes and expectations.
6. Interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.
7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling/unable to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
8. Often envious of others. Believes others are envious of him or her.
9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
In addition, to justify a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the following criteria must be met by:
1. Impairments in self-functioning (a or b)
a. Identity: Excessive reference to others for self-esteem regulation and self-definition; exaggerated self-appraisal may be inflated or deflated, or vacillate between extremes; emotional regulation mirrors fluctuations in self-esteem.
b. Self-direction: Goal-setting is based on gaining approval from others; personal standards are too low based on a sense of entitlement, or unreasonably high in order to see oneself as exceptional; often unaware of their own motivations.
AND
2. Impairments in interpersonal functioning (a or b):
a. Empathy: Impaired ability to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others; excessively attuned to reactions of others, but only if perceived as relevant to self; over or underestimate their effect on others.
b. Intimacy: All their relationships are largely superficial and exist just to serve self-esteem regulation; mutuality constrained by little if any genuine interest in other peoples experiences and predominance of a need for their own personal gain.
Pathological personality traits in the following domain:
1. Antagonism, characterized by:
a. Grandiosity: Feelings of entitlement, either overt or covert; self-centeredness; firmly holding to the belief that one is better than others; condescending toward others.
b. Attention seeking: Excessive attempts to attract and be the focus of the attention of others; admiration seeking.
c. Their impairments in personality functioning and the individual personality trait expression are relatively stable across time and consistent across all situations.
d. Their impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are not better understood as normative for the individual’s developmental stage or the socio-cultural environment. ie: It has nothing to do with what age they are, or the environment or society they are in.
e. Their impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are not solely due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., severe head trauma). ie: It’s their normal way of behaving Don’t Let It Overwhelm You
I know all of this may seem overwhelming. If we focus on a few key portions of the diagnosis then we can see how a relationship a Narcissistic Personality Disorder affected person can easily become a living Hell. As previously mentioned, individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder feel that they are more important than other people. Not only placing themselves on a pedestal but thinking others do the same. A healthy relationship does not consist of one person lording over another, but that is all they are capable of. Narcissists can not form healthy relationships.
The second quote states that there is an inability to form proper attachments due to a lack of empathy for others and an inability to form intimate relationships. Especially telling is “Relationships [are] largely superficial and exist to serve self-esteem regulation.” (emphasis added). One Way Street
A relationship with a Narcissistic Personality Disordered individual is a one-way street. All attention and emotional support flow from the individual to the narcissist. Relationships of this kind are often characterized by verbal and mental abuse(often very subtle) belittling, complaining, and even physical abuse. Narcissists believe that they can do no wrong, so any problems with the relationship – and even problems which arise in day to day living – are the fault of the other partner. If a mistake is made, the partner is somehow the one to blame.
The narcissists’ need for attention and admiration means they constantly seek out individuals who will reinforce their inflated sense of self-worth. This usually leads to a series of short relationships and a long list of discarded partners. If married, the narcissist will rarely, if ever be faithful. If infidelity is discovered, the partner is to blame for not being pretty enough, caring enough, etc. The Effect On Victims
Victims of narcissistic abuse often display similar characteristics to their abusers (though they do not turn into true narcissists themselves it should be pointed out). These characteristics include a poor sense of self-worth, and perhaps an inability to make their own decisions. If they have spent years being told that they are not smart enough, not good enough, not enough, then over time they come to internalize such negative statements. So they doubt themselves, and their own abilities. This is done by the narcissist to make them more reliant upon their abuser, creating a cycle of co-dependency.
With regards to parental care, this is one of the most troubling aspects of narcissistic abuse. If constantly belittled, children grow up believing they are not worthy, not capable. When they finally escape the control of a narcissistic parent(s), they lack essential coping skills to survive on their own. Doubting themselves and their own decision-making capabilities and crippled by poor self-esteem, they often gravitate towards someone who’ll accept them, their self-perceived flaws and all. They gravitate toward someone who will make decisions for them. In short, they end up in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser. Ending up with someone exactly like the very people who abused them in the first place, their parents. Escape
Anyone who has suffered narcissistic abuse may display any number of emotional and physical symptoms. Symptoms that may be difficult to attribute to the relationship as these symptoms are the result of stresses they face daily. These include confusion, disassociation, poor eating and sleeping habits, and even signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). For those in a relationship with a narcissist, it is especially difficult to get help as they are so conditioned to looking to their abuser for most if not all decision-making. This poor sense of self-worth making it easy for them to ignore any thought that they deserve better. Brainwashing
In their minds, no one else would have them (my narc partner even loved to tell me that all the time). They should be happy with the relationship they’re in (despite the fact that they are unhappy) This is a theme which the abuser will constantly reinforce as well. often in very subtle ways, but it’s a persistent message. It is possible to escape the cycle of narcissistic abuse, and though difficult, it pays off in the long run. Things are never going to improve with your narcissistic partner. The first step is accepting that you or anyone else deserves the demands and constant humiliation of the narcissist.
Over time, as the self-image is restored to a healthy level, it becomes easier to make decisions without the abuser’s input. Naturally, this is an extremely difficult process. It may require the help of (close)friends(if you have any left by this stage) and outsiders including professionals (doctors, attorneys, police even). It is very common for narcissistic abusers to restrict their partners’ access to others, including friends, especially those who would express opinions which run contrary to their grandiose sense of self.
Finally, some points to remember. It pays to keep the following points in mind. It can help get you through a difficult time.
Few of us want to discover and accept that our partner might have NPD Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It leads many to turn a blind eye, pretend the abuse is not happening, that we’re imagining it. Remember, if your partner is a true narcissist, that is, they have NPD, or may even be a Malignant Narcissist. They have been this way for a very long time. Please Take Note
Narcissistic Personality Disorder develops in childhood, with the narcissist getting permanently trapped, due mainly to abuse and trauma of some kind, at the emotional age of roughly a 5 or 6-year-old. At this stage, there is no known cure for NPD and it doesn’t look like there will be a cure any time soon. On a conscious level, narcissists do not know, nor can accept they have NPD. They cannot admit to having a problem, everyone else has the problem.
Narcissists are NOT driven by an over-inflated ego and grandiose sense of self – Despite what you might read or anyone might tell you. Their false self, the image they project to the world and even themselves yes, this self has an over-inflated ego and grandiose sense of self – dig a little deeper and you will find what motivates and drives them is a burning need to contain and bury the unbearable feelings of shame and fear that lies within them.
Narcissists are not strong. They are incredibly weak and co-dependent. More often than not, they need you, more than you need them. It may be hard to believe I know, but in most cases it’s true.
If your narcissist has discarded you, just remember, it’s because they have drained you dry and left you weak.
They are emotional vampires. Recover and get all your strength, power, and independence back, and more than likely someday your own personal vampire will come sniffing around your door again.
Again.
THERE IS NO CURE FOR NPD.
You cannot help them.
You can only help yourself.
