Why does it matter? Because understanding narcissists is important because it helps us protect ourselves and others from their damaging behaviors. So, how does narcissism develop? When does it begin? There is not a single, exact cause; narcissism may develop over time either due to genetics and personality traits, or it can stem from a traumatic childhood. Below is the first of three scenarios that can lead a child to develop a narcissistic personality as they mature. Narcissism May Develop During Childhood Due To Immense Pressure From A Narcissistic Parent
Jenna is growing up with a narcissistic parent. She’s been working hard to maintain top marks in school and has won every spelling bee she’s entered since first grade. Most of her motivation is fueled by her narcissistic father, who constantly brags to everyone who’ll listen about how brilliant she is. Now that fifth grade has started to introduce algebra in math class, she’s beginning to struggle in class. Due to puberty and stress, Jenna’s acne is getting uncontrollable. Her father belittles her about her acne and refuses to speak to her until she once again comes home with straight A’s.
Jenna only feels valued by her father when she succeeds and looks “perfect” – in other words, when she is able to meet his unrealistic expectations. This may send her into a spiral of working even harder, which can lead to illness or injury. Now that Jenna is older, she feels that people should only be valued if they’re successful. To her, happiness equals success. Jenna may not assume narcissistic traits, but because of her father’s conditioning, there is a higher chance of them emerging. Skipping ahead to Jenna’s teen years, she may find herself living only to succeed.
She expects nothing but perfection, which causes her to miss out on high school activities such as dances and sporting events. To her, there’s no joy in the world without coming out on top – she believes that attending a game to watch others play is a waste of time. She’s not the one winning on the field.
Jenna As A Narcissistic Adult
Jenna has seen it all. She has created a booming business career for herself and travels often. She knows her former childhood friends envy her success and she loves rubbing it in on social media and around town. However, she still lives under her father’s thumb – should her career falter or her appearance falter, she knows that if she doesn’t fix it right away, her father will have plenty to say. And while she has long since moved out, she knows he’s often watching.
So, now, nothing is ever enough. She strives to maintain that perfect world she’s created and lashes out at anyone who could possibly disturb it. Jenna, while not wanting to be at all like her father, now projects her narcissism onto her children. If her family isn’t perfect, that threatens her fantasy world. We hear a lot about narcissism these days so it’s important to know how it happens.
It’s almost impossible to pinpoint how narcissism develops – the age-old debate of “nature versus nurture” is nothing new here, either. Does narcissism sprout from something in a person’s genes, or do they learn their toxic behaviors during their formative years from their parents/guardians?
Narcissism Develops Due To Devaluing The Child
In this case, Sheldon is trying his best to impress his mother through his academics and sports. Through elementary school, he strived for perfection, but never earned one compliment from his mother. Now that he’s in middle school, every accomplishment he mentions to her is mocked. She devalues his achievements by laughing at him, pointing out his flaws, questioning his skills.
She says things like, “You couldn’t have gotten straight-As – you’re too stupid for that” or “You ran how far? With those chubby legs?”
Why This Reaction Develops Narcissism
There are a few outcomes the Sheldon may suffer. The first, Sheldon may eventually believe his mother. While he sees that he is capable of achieving so much, the constant belittlement can become to be too much. As his confidence dwindles, his performance does as well. This can lead to self-loathing, depression, and deep despair. It’s likely that later in life, he may turn to substance and alcohol abuse to numb and escape his new reality.
Sheldon may also become angry and resentful towards his mother, pushing him to work even harder. This can be u healthy physically, emotionally, and mentally. But his rage can push him to want to do anything in his power to prove his mother wrong. Resentment will build towards his mother, which can lead him to becoming abusive towards anyone who may remind him of her.
What Does This Mean For Sheldon?
If Sheldon were to fall into the rabbit hole of despair, he will most likely find himself following a rapid path towards addiction. Should Sheldon act out of resentment towards his mother, this can cause his relationships to become abusive – romantic or otherwise. The chances of narcissism developing are never guaranteed when it comes to a child’s environment. However, it’s important to understand why or how narcissistic traits may develop in some people.
Narcissism May Occur Due To Familial Competition
When narcissistic parent(s) have more than one child, a hierarchy falls into place. There’s strain between siblings and there is always a favorite. Children are usually labeled by the narcissistic parent as they deem fit – think of the parent as an author. This parent dictates the roles in the household for each child. It usually depends on the birth order, appearance, and personality of the child. The roles of the children can include any or all of the following:
▪ The golden child: the chosen one, the star. This child is groomed by the narcissist to become the star of the family. This child usually displays the best appearance and the best performance in academics/sports.
▪ The scapegoat: this child will most-likely be the target of any rage the narcissist feels. Generally, this will land on the second oldest, or the most outspoken. In many families, this child will also be the one to receive any rage or frustration from everyone else in the family.
▪ The enabler: this role may either be placed on the other parent or a daughter. They are responsible to keep the narcissist happy and feed into any of their narcissistic delusions.
▪ The surrogate parent: this child is landed with the responsibility of caring for the other siblings and must grow up quickly. Usually, this happens in families with more than two children.
▪ The mascot: the youngest of the siblings, this “mascot role” entails comic relief to cover the true horrors and dysfunction within the family/household.
Jessica and Sarah are sisters – but they’re very different. Jessica is her narcissistic father’s golden girl, which means she is pampered, groomed, and lives for his praise. Although only nine, she often works late into the night to be sure she’ll ace her spelling test to stay in her father’s good graces.
Sarah, however, is the devalued daughter – the scapegoat. No matter what she does, nothing is good enough for her father, who often compares the two of them to belittle her even more. Sarah often endures her family’s rage – because Jessica sees her father blaming Jessica for his anger, she, too, turns on her sister. Jessica often picks on Sarah in and out of the house. She believes that because she is considered “better” and more successful than her sister, that it must be true.
Sarah feels devalued and is often exhausted from getting the bulk of her family’s anger and frustrations placed on her. She may have similar outcomes as Sheldon.
