Monkey Branching: Why Narcissists Are Always in New Relationships

When you’re involved with a narcissist, you cycle through intense emotions regularly. Fear, insecurity, dread, sadness, shame, anticipation- these are just some of the familiar feelings you might encounter during the day. Life often feels chaotic and nonsensical. One moment, they promise you the world, telling you they’d do anything to make you happy. The next, they act like you are complete garbage, and it’s as if you’re the worst person they’ve ever met.

Then, they oscillate between being entirely committed to the relationship and straying to a new partner. Narcissists use manipulation tactics to get what they want, and monkey branching is one method they use to maintain their narcissistic supply. But what is this toxic phenomenon, and what signs do you need to know?

What Is Monkey Branching?

Think of how monkeys swing from branch to branch. They move swiftly and confidently, their feet never touching the ground, their eyes laser-focused on their next move. And yet, they’re calculated and efficient; they don’t release one branch until they’ve secured their hand around another one. When it comes to humans, monkey branchers perpetually prepare themselves for the next best thing. They have their eyes peeled on a new person or relationship even when they appear to be committed to you. As a result, they swing from tree to tree, hopping onto whatever next thing looks exciting, and their moves are intentional and rehearsed.

A monkey brancher prepares themselves for an optimal exit strategy in case the relationship fails. They never completely surrender to their partner. Subsequently, they cannot fully settle or commit, and no matter how ‘in love’ they might claim to be, they still aim to keep their options open.Of course, many monkey branchers are actively cheating on their partners. They freely swing from tree to tree, not caring about the consequences. Others just get close to infidelity, and their actions are highly disrespectful and manipulative.

Why Do Narcissists Monkey Branch?

At the core of it, narcissists monkey branch because they get the best of both worlds. They have a committed, dedicated partner (you) while still feeling free to explore their other options.Narcissists are never happy with what they have- at least not for very long. They always want more, more, more. At first, this may seem paradoxical, especially if the relationship is new. In the beginning, the supply you offer them feels complete (that’s where the constant love bombing comes in). But time always reveals their true motives- the more attached you become to them, the more they start devaluing you.

At the same time, they usually pinpoint at least one person they can rebound with if the relationship fails. This provides them with a viable backup plan. This explains why many narcissists move onto new relationships so quickly- they already had someone else lined up.

(Temporarily) Satisfying the Inflated Ego

Narcissists have inflated egos and an unrealistic sense of entitlement. If they want something, their mind automatically justifies why they deserve to have it. However, the inflated ego is as fragile as it is large- the moment the narcissist doesn’t get what they want, they overreact. This is known as ego threat, and it’s one reason they struggle with emotional regulation. They rationalize monkey branching behavior in response to an ego threat. They often assume they deserve better in the relationship, and flirting with someone else can temporarily satisfy their insatiable need to feel important and unique.

Maintaining or Refueling the Narcissistic Supply

You already know that narcissists require ongoing validation and recognition to feel important in their lives. Because they cannot give themselves self-love, they rely on external sources to provide affection. The narcissist refuels their supply in numerous ways: using people, accumulating material goods, achieving a desirable status, obsessing over their appearance, or engaging in compulsive behaviors. They may alternate between these methods frequently.

Many narcissists start monkey branching once they feel the relationship no longer serves their needs. This can happen at any point, but it’s relatively common after you start standing up for yourself or implement boundaries. It can also occur when you start experiencing some of your own successes- they can’t tolerate you being “better” than them, so they aim to find other ways to refuel their supply.

Revenge

Narcissists hate losing. If they feel threatened in the relationship, it triggers their narcissistic rage. As a result, they might start monkey branching to restore a sense of “winning the game.” With this strategy, they can feel more powerful and important. They might also flirt or cheat to hurt you. If they believe you have wronged them (even if it’s completely untrue), the monkey branching “levels” their distorted playing field. Unfortunately, they would instead harm you first than be caught off-guard.

Common Signs of Monkey Branching

How do you know if the narcissist is guilty of this dirty habit? Here are some of the key signs.

Extremely Flirtatious

Do you feel a knot of dread every time you’re out with the narcissist because you know they’re going to say something inappropriate? Has a friend ever suggested that your partner made them feel uncomfortable? If you confront them on this behavior, do they get extremely defensive and insist they’re just friends, or that the other person is flirting with them? Chronic flirting means that your partner doesn’t respect your boundaries or the sanctity of your relationship. Unfortunately, if they know they can get away with it, they don’t have any incentive to stop.

Private with Technology

They password-protect their phone. When you ask about it, they insist it’s just for safety. But if you ask to borrow their phone to make a call or look up something, they become skittish and uncomfortable. They also might be spending much more time online- whether that’s scrolling through social media, sending emails, or interacting on message boards. If you casually ask what they’re doing, they might respond defensively or vaguely.

Dating Apps

There is no reason a committed partner needs to have dating apps on their phone. Don’t fall for the line that they haven’t gotten around to “deleting it” or that they’re using it to “find friends.” 99% of the time, that is a bald-faced lie. Many monkey branchers use these apps to ‘see what’s out there.’ Or, they might take it a step further and connect to interact with others.

Spending More Time Outside the Home

Suddenly, they’re going to the gym every morning before work. Or, they want another weekend out with the boys. They went out for a quick grocery errand, but it’s been three hours. What’s going on? Spending more time outside the home could mean anything, but it can certainly represent a monkey branching red flag.

Accusing You of Cheating (Or Expressing Their Fear About It)

Narcissists love to deflect their behavior onto someone else, particularly when they know they’re doing something suspicious. Therefore, they will project their actions onto you. They might try to reinforce how much they ‘need’ you with emotionally charged statements like, I don’t know what I’d ever do if you cheated on me. I’d be completely devastated. Or, they might try to convince you that you’re doing something wrong. I know you’re just trying to be friendly, but any guy is going to assume you’re flirting with him if you keep acting that way. Make no mistake- these lofty admissions aren’t about proclaiming their love. It’s a form of emotional abuse designed to keep you feeling controlled.

Very Little Time Spent Single

If your partner has dozens of ex-partners, this is probably a red flag. Healthy dating requires time in between relationships. This time allows people to process and heal from the breakup properly. It also allows them to work on themselves and reflect on what they want in their next relationship. If your partner hopped around from relationship to relationship, it’s a telltale sign they’re a serial monkey brancher. The moment things started looking bad, they were already emotionally or physically out the door.

What Should You Do If Your Partner Is Monkey Branching?

It’s painful to feel like you aren’t a significant priority in your partner’s life. First, it’s important to remember that their behavior isn’t a reflection of you or your character. Furthermore, this is not your fault, even if the narcissist tries to pin the blame onto you. Monkey branching is self-centered and harmful. It’s a selfish way for narcissists to meet their needs, and many people get hurt in the eventual crossfire.

Avoid Questioning

It isn’t worth bombarding them with questions. Even if you want a meaningful explanation, a narcissist can’t give you one. They will either deny or downplay the behavior. Or, they will turn it onto you by accusing you of being controlling, paranoid, or insecure. Narcissists often know exactly what they’re doing– they just don’t care.

Consider Your Intentions

Why are you still in the relationship? If you feel trapped, it’s time to look inwards and consider your options. What next step can you take to maintain your self-worth and honor your well-being?

End the Behavior

Maybe this sounds familiar…You recently settled into a vague sense of security after the narcissist swore on their mother’s grave that they wouldn’t (insert relationship crime) again, yet you discovered they broke their “sacred” promise. Perhaps they…

Swore they’d stop cheating, but you discovered they not only cheated again, they never stopped

Swore they’d try to be a better partner, spouse, friend, or parent, but after a short period of charades, they went back to the same ole, same ole

Swore they’d stop being insensitive, stop raging, stop lying, but you realized it was all just more lies

Consequently, you not only loathe the narcissist, but you also loathe yourself for falling for their lies once more. You feel the punch of indignation in your gut and your fight-or-flight reaction kicks into overdrive. I know this feeling and there’s almost nothing worse than the ice that runs through your veins after discovering the narcissist has been chatting it up with other people behind your back…or even in bed beside you while you’re asleep.

You may try to help them understand what they’re doing, trying to convert them to become faithful. You may blame yourself for their behavior. The relationship appears to have positive qualities, which confuses the picture. But it’s important to keep in mind that the “nice times” are an integrated part of the abuse.

When you stop making positive choices for yourself (and any minor children you may have), the negative is outweighing the positive and the relationship has become deeply destructive. Over time, this pattern becomes exhausting! You will spend more time doing detective work than you will enjoying the actual relationship. Being cheated on is harmful and psychologically damaging. Making the choice to do something different and empowering gives you the freedom to pursue your own interests, passions, and relationships- without worrying about someone else sabotaging them.

The Stages of Narcissistic Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse can happen to both men and women in and out of a marital relationship. In a relationship with a narcissist, however, that abuse becomes magnified. For the narcissist, sexual abuse is used to control your behavior, elevate their feelings of superiority, reenact their fantasies (not yours), and paralyze you. Not all narcissists use sexual abuse as a means of domination. But if you are in a relationship with one, knowing even the subtle forms of sexual abuse can be freeing.

The Early Stage.

A narcissist begins the abuse by grooming you. They do a mildly abusive act to see if you acquiesce. For instance, they might fondle you in front of your mother or demand sexting while you are at work. These unwanted or embarrassing sexual acts are designed to catch you off-guard and create a feeling of trepidation. It is also a subtle message to others that you belong to them. Not in a comforting way, but one that leaves you feeling like a possession. Be warned, sometimes narcissists share your sexting photos with friends further adding humiliation. When you confront the narcissist, they minimize, deny, or blame you.

Verbal Assaults.

In the beginning, the verbal comments are amazingly flattering. You are the person of their dreams. You meet all of their sexual needs. But as soon as you begin to disagree with a sexual preference, you are accused of being manipulative and controlling. You are openly criticized for your sexual desires or lack thereof. Then the comments turn vulgar. Sexual insults or debasing comments about your body become more common. You begin to feel not good enough, being called both a whore and a prude. Narcissists do not see partners as individuals with feelings and opinions. Rather they are pieces of meat. This is apparent in the general way they talk about the opposite sex.

Jealousy Rages.

The narcissist demands that you tell them everything about your previous sexual partners and encounters. Then they use the information to call you a slut or use your encounters as rationalization for their own indiscretions. When you become jealous, they claim you are being irrational and domineering. Some narcissists want you to cover up in public while others want you to wear provocative clothing beyond your comfort level. No matter what the outfit, you are accused of being attracted to others, flirting, flaunting your body, and cheating. The narcissist will use these accusations as justification for further sexual abuse. You deserve this, or You asked for this, are typical narcissistic responses. They can also be jealous of children or pets, basically anything that takes your attention away from them.

Coercion Tactics.

To persuade you into having sex, the narcissist uses harassment, guilt, shame, blame, or rage. For them, this is not sexual abuse. Yet it is; any coerced sexual act is abusive. For example, they insist on sex after an argument to prove your commitment. Or they will play the victim card and compel you to have sex so they feel safe, secure, or validated. They nag and insult you, become angry and disruptive, refusing to allow you to leave or sleep until you concede. When you do finally give in, you disconnect emotionally and hurry up just to get it over. It is not satisfying for you but for them.

Threatening Infidelity.

The narcissist threatens infidelity if you dont comply with their escalating sexual desires, change your appearance, or gain weight. They might dangle another female in front of you to bully you into doing sexual acts that you are uncomfortable performing. To isolate you from friends, they might openly talk or joke about being attracted to your friend. When verbal threats fail, the narcissist will be unfaithful to prove their point.

The Pushy Stage.

Its never enough. No frequency or style of sex is ever enough. Just when you believe that you have reached your boundaries, the narcissist pushes you further and further. When you object, you are ridiculed for your stance and all of the tactics in the early stage are condensed into one rant until you concede. Just to prove their dominance, they use your opposition as an excuse for pushing you even more.

Inciting Fear.

You begin submitting to unwanted sexual acts out of fear that the narcissist will hit you, leave you, humiliate you, punish you, betray you, or withhold money. To reinforce this fear, the narcissist will do these acts, blame you for making me do it, and then demand you have sex to prove your loyalty. The pressure to have sex is unrelenting and unforgiving regardless of your physical condition and sexual desires.

Selfish Appeals.

A classic example of selfish sex is unprotected sex. Because intercourse is all about how the narcissist feels, they refuse to use condoms and insist you take full responsibility for birth control or STD/STI protection. It is not uncommon for a narcissist to lie about having STD/STIs, refuse to be checked, and then blame you when you contract it. Your concerns over unprotected sex are belittled and minimized. It is all about them.

Sexual Withdraw.

Some narcissists completely withdraw all sex from the relationship. Any requests you make for sex are met with ridicule, rants about your performance, and excessive excuses for abstinence. You are to blame for their lack of desire, it is never their fault. They will also oscillate between excessive sex and complete withdraw to maintain control and manipulate you into doing whatever they ask.

For the narcissist, your body is theirs and their body is theirs. Therefore they feel entitled to give ultimatums about your body. You have to lose weight or exercise more or groom yourself in a certain way to keep them satisfied. You could be in the hospital sick and if the narcissist wants to have sex, you are required to meet their needs. You are forced into pregnancy or an abortion because it is what they want, not what you want. You are not allowed to breast feed your baby because they dont like how your breasts look.

Destroying Principles.

Prior to meeting the narcissist, you had standards of what was acceptable sexually. For instance, participating in pornography, prostitution, having multiple partners at one time, or sex with animals was completely out of the question. But now, the narcissists argument for bending your principles seems compelling. You begin to believe the lie that if you will submit to the act just one time, then they will be satisfied and not require more of you. So they persuade you into have sex with someone else while they watch or have you watch them having sex with someone else. They might record you having sex without your knowledge and then beg you to watch it with them. But it is not enough. If you withhold sex out of disgust over bending your principles, they become angry, belligerent and sometimes violent.

The Violent Stage.

Once the narcissist reaches the violent stage, sex can no longer return to an expression of mutual love or commitment. They are not able to be excited by such menial emotions or simple intimate acts. It is now about intimidation, control, domination, power, torture, and terror. Not every narcissist escalates to this level; many just remain in the pushy stage fully content. But for those who do advance, these acts are often criminal. It is the act that is criminal not the nature of your relationship. You can be married and a victim of sexual crime.

The FBI defines rape as Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim. This is a good time to take a break and reflect. You might have made excuses for the narcissists actions in the past but rape is rape no matter what the nature of your relationship is. Take a deep breath and have a good cry before reading on.

Degrading Acts.

Degradation is in the eye of the beholder. The narcissist would not view these acts as degrading but you might. You might even be okay with some of these acts or not. Without getting into too many specifics, here are a couple of examples: urinating on you, having sex while on the toilet, or sex in public places. Degrading acts are done to humiliate you and cause you to feel trapped in the relationship. The narcissist will say, Who would want you but me after you have done this.

Sadistic Sex.

There are two forms of sadistic sexual acts: mild (also known as S&M) and severe which can lead to death. Mild examples include: master-slave role playing, immobilizing you through drugs or alcohol, administering pain (whipping) during sex, confining you to a cage, tying you up, blindfolding you, or clamping your sexual organs. It is important to remember that any sexual act which is not consensual is considered rape. The severe examples include: physical beatings, psychological torture, burning, cutting, stabbing, vampirism, and murder before, during or after sex. A narcissistic sadist will not stop their behavior even when it is identified as such.

The Exit Stage.

You can choose to exit the relationship at any of the above stages, it is all sexual abuse. Understandably, some of these abusive acts you might not want to share with others as a reason for your departure. It can cause you unnecessary embarrassment, increase your humiliation, and prolong the healing process. You are not obligated to explain to anyone why you leave. But it is likely that you will need some professional help in order to heal. Sexual abuse leaves scars that frequently are not fully seen until you are in a healthy sexual relationship.

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Be warned, even after you have broken off the relationship with the narcissist, they do one of two extremes. Either you still belong to them (even after divorce) or they act as if you never existed. Since you are still theirs, they are entitled to continue to demand sex even if you are in a relationship with someone else. Or, they will wipe all memories or pictures of you out of their life pretending the relationship never happened. This is a narcissist phenomenon which can oscillate between the two extremes.

In the beginning, it is common for you to be in a state of shock and have intense fear about leaving. Just reading the information here may increase your anxiety or cause a panic attack. This is normal. You are coming out of the fog of abuse and it is a sign of health for you to react that way. Alternating mood swings of anger and depression are also typical as you begin to see your partner for the person they are rather than the image they have created. Just because a narcissist has an unrealistic image of themselves does not mean that you have to believe it.