How do you stop a narcissist from manipulating and spreading lies about you?

When a narcissist can no longer abuse you and use you like a doormat, they will create a distorted narrative designed to destroy your character and position themselves as the victim. This is designed to destroy you and keep them in control even after the ending of the relationship, but it doesn’t have to.

As long as they get supply and your energy, they will continue doing it. You have to cut off all the energy he is getting from you. Cut off all energy sources that connect you to him and do not get emotionally charged by his actions. They are not about you, they are really about himself. Exit the toxic environment and disconnect from anyone who is taking his side or mutual connections. Accept that you may lose people while trying to stop the smear campaign and create a healthy environment for yourself.

People who believe his gossip didn’t have a deep connection with you anyway. Don’t get pulled into the false narrative and start defending yourself when someone brings his lies to you. Becoming defensive usually makes you look guilty to other people and makes you look emotional, toxic, crazy. So let the idea go that you can change their mind, instead say something like “I’m sorry you got involved in this gossip. I will not put any of my energy into it. Thank you for your concern though, I appreciate it.” And cut the conversation off.

Healthy people will be able to see what’s happening at one point and his mask will fall off. If you can avoid the environment where your mutual connection or people would approach you about this, do so, or consider making changes in your life to do it as soon as you can. This also means on social media, block, and disconnect. Speak your truth to those that are exclusively on your site and not a mutual connection. Mutual connections are usually used to spy on you and further abuse you, even if their intentions are good.

Put all of your energy into yourself. It’s time to take your self-care to the next level and get your life back. You will not be able to do that if you focus on the narcissist. Work on your healing, confidence, and sitting in YOUR TRUTH, no anyone else’s. Stay connected to positive energy as much as possible, that includes the people around you. Think about what changes you can make.

This is a hard lesson, but you have to let go of caring what others think about you because many of the people that believe him, he has probably been grooming far before you broke up. You can literally get sick by engaging and allowing other opinions to destroy you. It could get a little worse before it gets better because he will try some new attempts to gain control again, stay strong, and hold your position. Once they see they don’t have psychological, physical, or emotional effects on you or your life, they will focus their attention elsewhere.

If you feel you are in danger, you should contact a local domestic advocate (they are usually free) and speak to a lawyer. The advocate can usually point you to a lawyer and some are pro bono or legal aid depending on where you live (country etc).

Could your adult child be a narcissist?

Have you found yourself wondering what you did wrong in raising them or what happened to the child you once knew? Have you asked yourself if your child might be a narcissist? How can you tell? And what are you supposed to do if you find out that your child is a narcissist?

What is a narcissist?

We’re not talking about someone who takes too many selfies or is overly concerned with their appearance, necessarily, though those signs might be present. Still, those signs alone aren’t enough to identify a malignant narcissist. In this case, we’re talking about a toxic or malignant narcissist, we mean someone who has been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (or would be, if a psychologist had the opportunity).

Malignant narcissists are known to have certain features of antisocial personality disorder well as paranoid traits and ego-driven aggression. Additionally, you might see that they seem to have an absence of conscience, a psychological need for power, and an inflated sense of self-importance and entitlement. In every malignant narcissist, you’ll see the lack of emotional empathy that drives their behavior.

What are the risk factors for developing narcissistic personality disorder?

You’re probably asking yourself how your child could have become a narcissist, right? Maybe you did everything right and it makes no sense to you. Or perhaps you were married to a narcissist and you tried really hard to protect your child from them, and now you don’t understand why they would land on the “dark side” after all you’ve done. So, what causes a child to grow up and become a narcissist?

While there is some research that says narcissism may be genetically predisposed, but there’s no official word on how it really happens. The nurture versus nature debate continues, of course. With that being said, from a psychological standpoint, it looks like narcissists are created in a few different ways. For the most part, chances are that one or more of the following happened.

An Insecure Attachment Style

Most narcissists are found to have developed an insecure attachment style. This is according to attachment theory, which is a psychological, evolutionary, and ethological theory concerning relationships between humans. When it comes to narcissistic abuse recovery, the significance of attachment theory and attachment style cannot be overstated. The premise of attachment theory is that, during infancy, children have a deep, intrinsic need to develop a relationship with at least one primary caregiver (specifically, the mother in most cases) for normal social and emotional development. When this doesn’t happen, the development of the brain and psychology are affected in dramatic ways, leading to unhealthy attachment styles. Certain attachment styles can naturally lead to both narcissism and codependency.

Due to Adoption

Maybe your child is adopted and spent a few days or weeks after birth waiting to be adopted. Maybe it was much longer than that.

Due to an Extended Hospital Stay After the Birth

Perhaps your child was born prematurely or had some other condition at birth that caused them to need to be in the hospital for a long time for was in the hospital for a long time after birth, or you (or their mother, if you’re not their mother) had post-partum depression.

Abuse, Neglect, or Other Ongoing Trauma in Childhood

Your child was emotionally, physically, or otherwise abused in childhood. Whether or not it happened at home, if your child experienced any ongoing abuse in childhood, the effects of the abuse could have contributed to their toxic behaviors. Perhaps you were married to a narcissist and your child watched you go through the abuse yourself – and maybe their other parent even encouraged your child to join in on abusing you verbally or otherwise.

Or maybe you had to work a lot of hours and couldn’t spend as much time as you’d have liked with your child. There might have been times where your child felt alone and abandoned as a result. There’s also the chance that a sibling or even someone outside of your home caused trauma through physical, sexual or emotional abuse. It might have been a teacher, babysitter, grandparent, family friend, or even a school bully.

In most cases, an adult with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) has a serious fear of abandonment. They might be terrified of being found out for what they really are or for what they think they are not. They fear rejection, abandonment, and criticism. This is because, in their minds at least, their parents or caregivers in childhood abandoned them or rejected them, in reality, or emotionally.

Acquired Situational Narcissism

Perhaps your adult child became rich or famous suddenly. This might have caused them to develop something called acquired situational narcissism. Acquired situational narcissism is most likely to happen when there were already some pre-existing factors that would have led to narcissism under the right circumstances. So, at least in some cases, narcissism can be developed by people who had good, healthy upbringings.

How do you know if your adult child is a narcissist?

They Feel Entitled to Your Attention and Your Money

Your adult child continues to engage in the same kinds of attention-seeking behaviors they did as a small child.

They demand your time or attention even when you are dealing with some crisis or other kind of personal stress.

They always minimize or ignore what you do for them, but you continue to help them anyway out of fear or obligation,despite the fact that you feel unappreciated.

Your adult child seems jealous or any when you show attention to others, including but not limited to their own children (your grandchildren).

They Don’t React React Normally If A Loved One Is Sick Or Passes Away

While inappropriate relations to death or illness can certainly be an indication of narcissism in your adult child, chances are that you’d have noticed this kind of behavior and types of reactions earlier in childhood.

Your adult child either over or under-reacts to family members’ or friends’ death or illness.

When you’ve been sick or otherwise in danger, your child may not have shown compassion or any genuine concern.

If you are visibly upset or even crying, your child would have either ignored or minimized you, or they would have somehow made it all about them and their own issues.

They also may over-or-under-react to the death of their pets.

They Have Unrealistically High Expectations

Your adult child has pie-in-the-sky expectations all the time, in nearly every situation.

They get angry or sad when they don’t get what they want (narcissistic rage and narcissistic injury)

They are always putting others down and pointing out areas where people don’t “measure up” to them or others.

They will become overly critical of you as their parent or as a person.

They will judge your life choices and the way you present yourself.

They Can’t Seem To Maintain Long-Term Friendships

Your adult child can’t seem to keep friends for long, or they have one or two friends who seem to be their little “minions” or “cronies” – flying monkeys who do their bidding at will.

They seem to idealize their friends or romantic partnerships initially, followed by a period of devaluation until they either discard them or restart the cycle. This might go on for decades.

You might also be idealized, devalued and discarded, over and over again in your relationship with your adult child.

They might have a spouse or partner who seemed absolutely perfect until the spouse or partner starts accusing your child of psychological or emotional abuse.

They might have lost a lot of friends who suddenly “ghosted them for no reason.” (There IS a difference between “ghosting” and “going no contact,” for the record).

They Cannot Accept Responsibility For Their Actions

Your adult child causes harm and heartache to you and others in their lives on a regular basis, but they will never actually accept responsibility.

They will deflect responsibility by saying things like, “Well, I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t (insert presumed mistake here).”

They will often blame the person they hurt directly.

They blatantly lie or “omit” the truth in order to avoid responsibility for what they’ve done.

They will never genuinely apologize, and if they ever do say they’re sorry, they prove they don’t mean it.

My Adult Child is a Narcissist! What now?

So, assuming you’ve determined that your adult child is a narcissist, what are you supposed to do? Should you go no contact with them? How could a parent go no contact with their own child? Well, here’s the thing. These are difficult and painful questions, and even more so when you consider the possibilities – and the fact that by the time they’re an adult, there is little hope for a narcissist to really change. Sadly, your options for dealing with your adult child when they have narcissistic personality disorder will come down to essentially two choices – and neither one is one you really want to make.

Do you accept the abuse in order to continue to have a relationship with your child, who for most of us, is among the most important people in your life?

OR

Do you end your relationship with your adult child in order to maintain your own sanity, health, and emotional wellbeing?

No one wants to have to make this choice when it comes to their own child, right? But when the adult child is narcissistic, they drain you of your energy and they absolutely will not respect your boundaries.

When Should You Go No Contact With Your Narcissistic Adult Child?

The last thing that any parent wants to do is go no contact with their flesh and blood. However, unfortunately, it is necessary at times when it comes to the adult narcissistic child. So, if you’ve decided that you cannot tolerate their abuse and manipulation any longer, when is it appropriate to go no contact with the adult narcissistic child?

When It Affects Your Health

Narcissistic abuse is well-known to both cause and complicate health problems you might be struggling with. As we get older, it’s important to remember to be mindful of this. If your adult child is disrespecting your boundaries repeatedly and it is taking a toll on your mental and physical health, it’s time to go no contact with your adult child. Keep a close eye on your overall stress levels and health. If you are struggling to get proper sleep, if you are struggling to eat, or dealing with depression, anxiety, and chronic pain, the time has come to go no contact.

When the Behavior Becomes Abuse

There is never an excuse for abuse, but you might not really recognize that you’re being abused by your own adult child. If this is the case, you’ll often feel exhausted or like you’re walking on eggshells with them. In other words, if the blatant disrespect, lies, and personal attacks that your child dishes out are worsening, to the point that you feel you’re being abused, it is time to go no contact.

When They Try to Ruin You

It’s difficult to imagine that your adult child might actually do something to intentionally ruin your life, but it happens more often than you’d expect. If your adult narcissistic child is angry with you about something and they are smearing your name and ruining your reputation, that is the time to go no contact.

You have had to deal with your child gaslighting you, disrespecting your boundaries, and devaluing you for so long. If they smear your name and violate your privacy, then you will want to consider going no contact.

Can you maintain a relationship with your adult narcissistic child?

Can you maintain an adult relationship with someone who is a toxic narcissist? Sure. Should you? That’s entirely your choice. And listen, I don’t think anyone would judge you if you chose to stick it out with your adult child if they’re a narcissist. But you have to understand what you’re going to be dealing with if you do.

So, expect that they will not change, and understand that if you want to keep them in your life while reducing the stress and overwhelm involved, there are steps you can take to minimize the damage and to reduce the friction of the relationship.

Steps to Keeping the Peace With a Narcissistic Adult Child

Some people will swear that with enough validation and proper counseling, things could get better in your relationship with your toxic adult child. But the truth is that by the time someone is an adult, you cannot help them change if they don’t want to change.

As you are probably aware, your average non-narcissist is perfectly able to create meaningful change in their lives with intention (thanks in part to neuroplasticity). That’s because, not only might they want to change, but they can recognize that there’s something they’re doing that is causing some undesired result in their lives. They can take responsibility for that and be willing to do something to make their desired result a reality.

However, if your adult child is truly a narcissist, they definitely will not have a problem with their own behavior, so they won’t see a need to change. Rather they will blame you and/or anyone else for the things that go wrong in their lives. Since nothing could possibly be their fault, they’ll literally destroy anyone who implies otherwise as they continue to refuse to accept responsibility for anything they don’t love about their lives.

How Do You Have a Relationship with Your Adult Child When They’re a Narcissist?

Keeping their limitations in mind, here is what you can do to keep the peace with your narcissistic adult child. The steps aren’t fair and they’re not easy. They won’t allow you to feel seen or heard, and they will leave you feeling exhausted and emotionally fried.

A Step-by-Step Guide to Building a Tolerable Relationship with an Adult Child Who is a Narcissist

If you want to maintain a tolerable relationship with your adult narcissistic child, here’s what you do.

Accept them for what they are, without questioning anything they do, say, think or feel.

Recognize that they will not offer you the same courtesy.

Never argue with anything they say, want, think or feel.

Offer them as much praise and validation as possible.

Avoid criticizing them if at all possible.

If you DO criticize, do the “compliment sandwich” thing. First give them a compliment, followed by the (gentle) criticism, followed by a compliment.

Be prepared to accept all responsibility for anything that goes wrong in the relationship or outside of it.

Be prepared to pay for or take responsibility for their bills or their behaviors.

If they attack you, try to use the gray rock method and avoid confrontation if at all possible.

Never try to “fix” them or “help” them get better. They do not want to change and cannot see a reason they should.

Avoid telling them you believe they’re a narcissist. If they are diagnosed, allow them to deal with their psychiatrist and only discuss the issues with them if they bring them up first.

Who Am I?

When I come into your life
I’m as charming as can be
I’ll be sweet and kind 
I’ll make you love me 
I’ll swamp you with love
Like you’ve never known
I’ll keep it up
Then my true self will be shown 
It’s the little things at first 
Subtle and rare 
You’ll think it’s nothing 
Truth is I don’t care 
Once I have you in my grasp 
It’s then I remove my mask 
I’ve nothing to lose 
I don’t care if we last 
I’ll slowly isolate you 
From family and friends 
Then you’ll only have me 
When life throws you bends 
The person you knew
When you first met me 
Doesn’t exist anymore 
I never really did ...You’ll soon see
Once I’ve got you 
Once you’re absolutely mine 
I no longer want you 
You’ll soon see the signs 
I’ll make cruel jokes 
I’ll put you down
I’ll insult you 
Making you the clown 
The things we had in common 
They’ll never come to be 
Because it was all just a lie
To trick you into loving me 
I’ll flood you with love 
Then give you no attention at all
One day I’m open 
The next there’s a wall
You were once strong and confident
Pretty and bold 
Now just one remark from me 
It’ll make you fold 
No one has loved you like I do 
The feelings I give you 
So strong...so true 
You’ll make excuses for me
To yourself and to others 
Time and time again 
For me you’ll cover 
I’ll make you confused 
I’ll make you question your mind 
I’ll tip you over the edge 
And make you the crazy kind 
I’ll cheat on you, beat on you
I’ll break your heart 
Then when I think I’m losing you 
I’ll give love, like I did at the start 
What you don’t know 
Is you’re nothing to me 
You’re wasting your time 
But that you won’t see
I’m now an addiction
And you’re desperate for a hit
The more you chase me 
The more I treat you like shit
Keep trying to make me love you
Keep trying to make me care
Keep trying to please me 
I’ll leave your soul bare
I’ll block you, I’ll silence you 
I’ll cut you off flat
You’ll soon self destruct
Yet me...I’m happy with a smirk I’m sat
You’ll ask yourself why 
You let me treat you this way 
Yet the ping of my txt 
Will make your day 
You won’t know yourself 
Not anymore 
You want me so bad 
The pain will be sore 
Every time you beg me 
Every time you come back 
Your simply feeding me 
You’re simply a snack 
Then one day you cut contact!
How dare you!
You aren’t answering me 
That’s not what you’re supposed to do!
How dare you ignore me 
How dare you heal!
How dare you move on
That isn’t the deal!
I don’t care what I’ve done 
It means nothing to me 
But I will never ever 
Set you free 
You’re now living your life 
With a smile on your face
That’s not my plan 
This isn’t the case!
Let me back in 
You have to feed me
Come back to me my object
It’ll cost you your life...but that’s a small fee
I’ve lost you, you’re gone 
I can’t get you back 
And I couldn’t care less 
And that a fact 
Are you surprised
That I’m not bothered a jot
I even don’t care if you’re alive or not 
Goodbye thing 
You’ve seen through my cover 
You’re dead to me
I’ve already found another 
Truth is I’m evil 
My soul is dark 
Who am I?
I was your NARC

Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist — and How to Get Out

Individuals who have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) believe they are superior and unique compared to others. Signs you could be dating an individual with NPD include the fact that they have very few or no friends, lack empathy, and often gaslight you.

What is a narcissist?

When someone posts one too many selfies on their social media or talks about themselves constantly during a first date, you might call them a narcissist. But a true narcissist is someone who has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Individuals who have NPD believe they are superior and unique compared to others, and they expect to be recognized and treated as such. They are often unable to recognize the opinions and needs of others and are dismissive of others’ problems. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) lists nine criteria for NPD, but it specifies that someone only needs to meet five of them to clinically qualify as a narcissist.

grandiose sense of self-importance

preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

the belief they’re special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions

need for excessive admiration

sense of entitlement

interpersonally exploitative behavior

lack of empathy

envy of others or a belief that others are envious of them

demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes

What it boils down to, according to licensed therapist Rebecca Weiler, LMHC, is selfishness at the expense of others, plus the inability to consider others’ feelings at all. Like most mental health or personality disorders, there are varying degrees of NPD severity. “Narcissism falls on a spectrum,” says Beverly Hills family and relationship psychotherapist Dr. Fran Walfish, the author of “The Self-Aware Parent.” In outpatient settings, for example, people who have a narcissistic personality disorder may be high functioning and relatable, but in the inpatient settings, they can be aggressive and challenging. A person’s aggression typically indicates the severity of the disorder. Additionally, people who have NPD often experience other physical and mental health conditions, like substance use disorder and anxiety, which may further complicate close relationships.

All that said, knowing the “official” diagnostic criteria doesn’t usually make it easier to spot someone with NPD, especially when you’re romantically involved with one. A qualified expert will typically have to administer a standard psychiatric interview to determine if someone has NPD. Still, knowing the signs of NPD may help give your relationship some context. Here are some signs to look out for and tips to handle them.

1. They were charming at first

People who have NPD gravitate toward grandiosity and fantasy. Your relationship might have felt like a fairytale at first — maybe they complimented you constantly or told you they loved you within the first month. Maybe they tell you how smart you are or emphasize how compatible you are, even if you just started seeing each other. “Narcissists think that they deserve to be with other people who are special, and that special people are the only ones who can appreciate them fully,” says Nedra Glover Tawwab, LCSW, the founder of Kaleidoscope Counseling in Charlotte, North Carolina. Weiler’s advice: If someone came on too strong at the beginning, be wary. Sure, we all love to feel lusted for. But real love has to be nurtured and grown. “If you think it’s too early for them to really love you, it probably is. Or if you feel like they don’t know enough about you to actually love you, they probably don’t,” Weiler says. People with NPD will try to manufacture superficial connections early on in a relationship.

2. They hog the conversation, talking about how great they are

People with NPD have an inflated sense of self-importance and are prone to exaggerating achievements and expecting to be recognized as superior. “Narcissists love to constantly talk about their own accomplishments and achievements with grandiose,” says psychotherapist Jacklyn Krol, LCSW, of Mind Rejuvenation Therapy. “They do this because they feel better and smarter than everyone else, and also because it helps them create an appearance of being self-assured.” Clinical psychologist Dr. Angela Grace, PhD, MEd, BFA, BEd, adds that narcissists will often exaggerate their accomplishments and embellish their talents in these stories in order to gain adoration from others. They’re also too busy talking about themselves to listen to you. The warning is two-part here, says Grace. First, your partner won’t stop talking about themselves, and second, your partner won’t engage in conversation about you. Consider these questions: What happens when you do talk about yourself? Do they ask follow-up questions and express interest to learn more about you? Or do they make it about them?

3. They feed off your compliments

Narcissists may seem like they’re super self-confident. But according to Tawwab, most people with NPD actually lack self-esteem and require excessive attention and admiration. “They need a lot of praise, and if you’re not giving it to them, they’ll fish for it,” she says. That’s why they’re constantly looking at you to tell them how great they are. “Narcissists use other people — people who are typically highly empathic — to supply their sense of self-worth and make them feel powerful. But because of their low self-esteem, their egos can be slighted very easily, which increases their need for compliments,” adds Shirin Peykar, LMFT. “The main difference between folks who are confident and those with NPD is that narcissists need others to lift them up, and lift themselves up only by putting others down. Two things people with high self-confidence do not do,” Peykar says. As Weiler explains it, “Narcissists punish everyone around them for their lack of self-confidence.”

4. They lack empathy

Lack of empathy, or the ability to feel how another person is feeling, is one of the hallmark characteristics of a narcissist, Walfish says. People who have NPD are often unable to apologize and understand the feelings and perspectives of others. “Narcissists lack the skill to make you feel seen, validating, understood, or accepted, because they don’t grasp the concept of feelings,” she says. Does your partner care when you’ve had a bad day at work, fight with your best friend, or scuffle with your parents? Or do they get bored when you express the things making you mad and sad? Walfish says this inability to empathize, or even sympathize, is often the reason why many, if not all, relationships of people with NPD eventually collapse, whether they’re romantic or not.

5. They don’t have any (or many) long-term friends

It’s common for people with NPD to have frequent conflicts with others. Dig deeper into their connections and you may notice they have few close friends. On top of this, people with NPD can be hypersensitive and insecure. As a result, they might lash out when you want to hang out with other people. They might claim that you don’t spend enough time with them, make you feel guilty for spending time with your friends, or berate you for the types of friends you have.

Questions to ask yourself

“How does my partner treat someone they don’t want anything from?”

“Does my partner have any long-term friends?”

“Do they have or talk about wanting a nemesis?”

6. They pick on you constantly

Maybe, at first, it felt like teasing, but then it became mean. Suddenly, everything you do, from what you wear and eat to who you hang out with and what you watch on TV, is a problem for them. Antagonism and hostility are well-documented traits in people who have NPD, and their toll on other people is large. “They’ll put you down, call you names, hit you with hurtful one-liners, and make jokes that aren’t quite funny,” Peykar says. “Their goal is to lower others’ self-esteem so that they can increase their own because it makes them feel powerful.” What’s more, reacting to what they say may only reinforce their behavior. “A narcissist loves a reaction,” Peykar says. That’s because it shows them they have the power to affect another’s emotional state.

A warning sign: If they knock you down with insults when you do something worth celebrating, get yourself out of there.

“A narcissist might say ‘You were able to do that because I didn’t sleep well’ or some excuse to make it seem like you have an advantage that they didn’t have,” Tawwab says. They want you to know that you’re not better than them. Because, to them, nobody is.

7. They gaslight you

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse, and it’s a hallmark of narcissism. People with NPD may tell blatant lies, falsely accuse others, spin the truth, and ultimately distort your reality — especially in response to perceived challenges of authority or fear of abandonment.

Signs of gaslighting include the following:

You no longer feel like the person you used to be.

You feel more anxious and less confident than you used to be.

You often wonder if you’re being too sensitive.

You feel like everything you do is wrong.

You always think it’s your fault when things go wrong.

You’re apologizing often.

You have a sense that something’s wrong, but aren’t able to identify what it is.

You often question whether your response to your partner is appropriate.

You make excuses for your partner’s behavior.

“They do this to cause others to doubt themselves as a way to gain superiority. Narcissists thrive off of being worshipped, so they use manipulation tactics to get you to do just that,” Peykar says.

8. They think they’re right about everything, and never apologize

People with NPD are often described as being arrogant and having haughty behaviors or attitudes. That’s why fighting with a narcissist may feel impossible. “There is no debating or compromising with a narcissist, because they are always right,” Tawwab says. “They won’t necessarily see a disagreement as a disagreement. They’ll just see it as them teaching you some truth.”

According to Peykar, you may be dating a narcissist if you feel like your partner:

doesn’t hear you

won’t understand you

doesn’t take responsibility for their part in an issue

doesn’t ever try to compromise

While ending the relationship is the best game plan with someone who has NPD, Weiler advises avoiding negotiation and arguments. “The thing that drives a narcissist crazy is the lack of control and the lack of a fight. The less you fight back, the less power you can give them over you, the better,” she says. And because they never think they’re wrong, they rarely apologize.

9. When you show them you’re really done, they lash out

People with NPD are extremely vulnerable to humiliation and shame, and they often lash out at others when they feel their self-esteem has taken a hit. If you insist you’re done with the relationship, they’ll make it their goal to hurt you for abandoning them, Peykar says. “Their ego is so severely bruised that it causes them to feel rage and hatred for anyone who ‘wronged’ them. That’s because everything is everyone else’s fault. Including the breakup,” she adds.

OK, so you’re dating a narcissist — now what?

If you’re in a relationship with someone who has NPD, chances are you’ve already experienced quite a bit. Being in a relationship with someone who’s constantly criticizing, belittling, gaslighting, and not committing to you may feel emotionally exhausting.

How to prepare for the breakup

Constantly remind yourself you deserve better.

Strengthen your relationships with your empathetic friends.

Build a support network with friends and family who can help remind you what is reality.

Urge your partner to talk with a therapist.

See a therapist yourself.

“You cannot change a person with NPD or make them happy by loving them enough or by changing yourself to meet their whims and desires. They will never be in tune with you, never empathic to your experiences, and you will always feel empty after an interaction with them,” Grace says. “Narcissists can’t feel fulfilled in relationships, or in any area of their lives, because nothing is ever special enough for them,” she adds. Essentially, you’ll never be enough for them, because they’re never enough for themselves. “The best thing you can do is cut ties. Offer them no explanation. Offer no second chance. Break up with them, and offer no second, third, or fourth chance,” Grace says. Because someone with NPD will most likely make attempts at contacting you and harassing you with calls or texts once they’ve fully processed the rejection, Krol recommends blocking them to help you stick to your decision.

Remember: This article isn’t meant to diagnose your partner. Instead, this article is meant to outline unacceptable behaviors and reactions in the context of a loving, equitable partnership. Having one or six of these signs doesn’t make your partner a narcissist. Rather, it’s a good cause for re-evaluating whether or not you’re thriving in your relationship.

Signs You’ve Experienced Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a complex mental health condition that typically involves a grandiose or inflated sense of self and an extreme need for admiration and attention, among other symptoms. People with NPD or narcissistic tendencies sometimes show a pattern of manipulative, controlling behavior that involves both verbal abuse and emotional manipulation.

Common types of narcissistic manipulation include:

Triangulation. Someone using this tactic will try to pull a third person into your conflict, typically to reinforce their own opinion or position.

Gaslighting. Someone trying to gaslight you tries to get you to doubt your own perspective and reality, often by twisting facts or insisting things you remember didn’t actually happen.

Hoovering. This tactic involves attempts to reconnect, or pull you back into a toxic or abusive relationship.

Silent treatment. This behavior becomes manipulative when someone purposely ignores you to control you or make you feel isolated.

Scapegoating. Parents who use narcissistic manipulation may place all the blame on one child they designate as a scapegoat.

Passive aggression. Indirect blame-shifting, sabotage, and sarcasm can all point to covert narcissistic manipulation.

These tactics can confuse you, make you question your sense of reality, and damage your self-esteem.

Narcissistic victim syndrome is a term that collectively describes the specific and often severe effects of narcissistic manipulation. While this isn’t a recognized mental health condition, many experts acknowledge narcissistic abuse can have a serious, long lasting impact on mental health. Keep in mind that abuse and narcissism aren’t always related. A diagnosis of NPD doesn’t automatically translate to abusive behavior, and many people who engage in abuse don’t have NPD. Regardless, a mental health diagnosis never excuses abusive behavior. People choose to abuse and manipulate others, and it’s possible to live with traits of narcissism, or any personality disorder, without becoming abusive.

With that in mind, here are 12 signs that might suggest you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse.

They seem so perfect — at first

Narcissistic abuse tends to follow a clear pattern, though this pattern might look a little different depending on the type of relationship. Research from 2019 suggests that in a romantic relationship, this abuse typically begins slowly after you’ve fallen hard and fast. It’s no wonder you fell for them. During the love-bombing phase, they seemed loving, kind, and generous. They made you feel special and adored with gushy compliments, affectionate displays, and expensive gifts. This early stage might have felt so intense and overwhelming you never stopped to consider whether they might be too fantastic. Then slowly, negging or other manipulative tactics began to replace the gifts and declarations of love. Narcissistic parents might also offer love, adoration, praise, and financial support until you do something to displease them and lose their favor. Then they, too, often turn to tactics like negging, silent treatment, and gaslighting.

People doubt the abuse took place

Narcissistic manipulation and abuse are often subtle. In public, these behaviors might be so well disguised that others hear or see the same behaviors and fail to recognize them as abuse. You might not even fully understand what’s happening. You only know you feel confused, upset, or even guilty for your “mistakes.” A narcissistic parent might gently say, “Are you sure you want to eat dessert?” Or they might turn a broken dish into a joke at your expense: “You’re so clumsy. You just can’t help yourself, can you?” They laugh with everyone in the room while patting your shoulder to make the insult seem well-intentioned. You would hope friends and loved ones believe you. But, unfortunately, this doesn’t always happen. Your loved ones might not doubt your belief you were abused, but they might question your perception of events or assure you, “You must have misunderstood them. They’d never hurt you intentionally.”

This doubt can be doubly harmful. Not only does it dismantle your faith in your loved ones, but it can also lead you to wonder whether the abuse took place after all. Maybe you did read too much into their words or just imagined that look on their face.

They’ve started a smear campaign

People with narcissistic traits often need to maintain their image of perfection in order to keep earning admiration from others. To do this, they may try making you look bad.

Once you begin pointing out problems or questioning their behavior, they might lash out by:

openly directing their rage toward you with insults and threats

involving others in criticizing you

By telling stories to your loved ones that twist the facts about your “harmful” or “unstable” behavior, the narcissist tries to discredit you. Even worse, when you react angrily (who wouldn’t?), they can use your response to back up their lies. People with narcissism often have a knack for charming others. That persona they showed you in the beginning? Everyone else sees that still. They can often win support from your loved ones (who haven’t seen through the facade) by insisting they only have your best interests at heart. Then, when you try explaining the abuse, your loved ones might side with them.

You feel isolated

If your loved ones don’t understand, you’ll likely feel pretty alone — which only increases your vulnerability to further narcissistic manipulation. The person abusing you may pull you back in with kindness, even apologies, or by pretending the abuse never happened. “Hoovering,” as it’s often called, tends to work better when you lack support. You’re more likely to doubt your perceptions of the abuse when you can’t talk with anyone about it. If your loved ones reach out to say you’ve made a mistake and encourage you to give the abusive partner another chance, you might end up doing so simply to regain your closeness with family and friends.

You freeze up

People respond to abuse and other trauma in different ways. You might attempt to confront the abusive person (fight) or escape the situation (flight). If these methods don’t work or you feel unable to use them, you might respond by freezing or fawning. The freeze response usually happens when you feel helpless. It often involves dissociation since emotionally distancing yourself from the abuse can help decrease its intensity, effectively numbing some of the pain and distress you experience. Freezing can have some benefits in certain situations, but it doesn’t help much when you can escape from danger. Yet if you believe there’s no way out of the relationship, you might remain in it — and perhaps even respond by fawning, or working to keep your partner happy.

You have trouble making decisions

A pattern of devaluation and criticism can leave you with very little self-esteem and confidence. Narcissistic manipulation often involves frequent implications that you make bad decisions and can’t do anything right. An abusive partner may call you stupid or ignorant outright, often with a falsely affectionate tone: “Honey, you’re so dumb. How would you manage without my help?” Over time, you might start absorbing these insults and attaching them to your self-perception, constantly second-guessing yourself as a result. Gaslighting tactics can also make you doubt your decision-making abilities. If someone manipulates you into believing you imagined things that actually took place, you might continue doubting your perception of events. This uncertainty can affect your ability to make decisions well into the future.

You always feel like you’ve done something wrong

A key characteristic of narcissism is difficulty taking responsibility for any negative actions or harmful behavior. Abusive partners typically find some way to cast blame on you instead.

They might accomplish this through deceit, often by:

insisting they said something you have no recollection of

getting so angry you end up soothing them by apologizing and agreeing you were wrong.

Say you suspect they’ve cheated on you. You explain the concerning behaviors you’ve noticed and ask if something’s going on. A partner using narcissistic manipulation might respond with extreme anger. They may respond with accusations of their own and redirect blame, saying things that are intended to hurt and belittle you. These barrages of rage can leave you feeling helpless and dependent, grateful they’re willing to remain with someone who makes so many mistakes. Even after leaving the relationship, you might carry forward the belief you can’t do anything right. When things go wrong in other areas of life, you might start to blame yourself for causing those problems.

You have unexplained physical symptoms

Abuse can trigger anxious and nervous feelings that sometimes lead to physical symptoms.

You might notice:

appetite changes

upset stomach or nausea

stomach pain and other

gastrointestinal distress

muscle aches and pains

insomnia

fatigue

Using alcohol and other substances can sometimes seem like a helpful way to manage these symptoms, especially insomnia. As a result, you might end up consuming more than you’d like in an effort to manage unwanted feelings or physical distress.

You feel restless and unsettled

Narcissistic abuse can sometimes be unpredictable. You may not know whether they’re going to criticize you or surprise you with a gift. If you don’t know what someone will do or say at any given moment, you might develop a lot of tension from needing to regularly prepare yourself to face conflict. Worries about the constant stream of criticism and how to best handle the abusive behaviors you’re beginning to recognize can also leave you constantly on edge. You may not know how to relax anymore since you may not feel safe letting your guard down.

You don’t recognize yourself

When facing abuse, many people eventually adjust their self-identity to accommodate an abusive partner. Say your partner insists, “When you go out with your friends, you’re telling me you don’t love me. You’d rather see them instead.” Of course, you love them, so you stop going out with your friends. Next, you give up your hobbies, skip after-work happy hour with co-workers, and eventually cancel your weekly visit with your sister. You spend time doing what your partner wants to do, so they know you really do care. These changes often lead to a loss of your sense of self, which can leave you feeling lost and empty. You might have a hard time enjoying life and lose sight of your sense of purpose.

You have trouble setting boundaries

Someone engaging in narcissistic abuse often has little respect for boundaries. When you try to set or enforce limits, they might challenge them, completely ignore them, or give you the silent treatment until you do what they want. Eventually, you might give up on your boundaries entirely. Once you end the relationship or get distance from a narcissistic parent, you promise yourself you won’t answer their calls and texts or see them at all. If they know they can eventually wear you down, though, they might not let you go easily. Instead, they’ll keep calling and texting in the hopes of getting you to set aside your boundaries again. If you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse, you might also have trouble setting healthy boundaries in your relationships with others.

You have symptoms of anxiety and depression

Anxiety and depression commonly develop as a result of narcissistic abuse. The significant stress you face can trigger persistent feelings of worry, nervousness, and fear, especially when you never know what to expect from their behavior. You might feel hopeless or worthless, lose interest in things that used to bring you joy, and have a hard time seeing hopeful outcomes for the future. It’s also common to have a lot of confusion over what caused them to change so abruptly, especially if you don’t know much about narcissistic manipulation. You might shoulder the blame for the abuse, perhaps believing their accusations that you must not care about them enough or blaming yourself for falling for their deception in the first place. Either can add to feelings of worthlessness and further diminish self-esteem.

How to find help

Any kind of abuse can take a significant toll on mental and physical health. If your loved ones still doubt you or tell you to just move on, you may feel unheard and unsupported. This can make it hard to trust people again, leaving you feeling isolated and alone. Whether you’re just beginning to notice the first signs of narcissistic manipulation or still trying to make sense of an abusive relationship you’ve already left, therapy can help you begin healing.

Therapy offers a safe space to:

learn coping strategies to manage mental health symptoms

practice setting healthy boundaries

explore ways to rebuild your sense of self

A therapist who specializes in abuse recovery can validate your experience, help you understand that you aren’t at fault, and offer support through the early stages of recovery.

Narcissism tracked from young adulthood to middle age

The belief that one is smarter, better looking, more successful and more deserving than others -- a personality trait known as narcissism -- tends to wane as a person matures, a new study confirms. But not for everyone, and not to the same extent.

The study, reported in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, finds that the magnitude of the decline in narcissism between young adulthood and middle age is related to the specific career and personal relationship choices a person makes.

The research tracked participants across two time points. The first occurred when they were 18 and just starting out as freshmen at the University of California, Berkeley. The second was 23 years later, when participants were 41 years old. Of the original 486 participants, 237 completed a new round of evaluations.

Participants at both time points answered questions from a survey designed to assess their narcissistic traits. For the follow-up study, researchers also asked about relationship and employment history, job satisfaction, and health and well-being.

"We looked at the different facets of narcissism in adults at age 18 and again at 41," said Eunike Wetzel, a professor of psychology at Otto-von-Guericke University in Magdeburg, Germany, who led the research with University of Illinois psychology professor Brent Roberts; Emily Grijalva, an organizational behavior professor at Washington University in St. Louis; and Richard Robins, a psychology professor at the University of California, Davis. "We focused on participants' vanity, the belief in their own leadership qualities and their tendency tofeel entitled."

Each facet of narcissism was associated with several negative -- and in a few cases, positive -- outcomes for the individual, the researchers found. Those who had higher levels of vanity at age 18 were prone to unstable relationships and marriages, and were more likely to be divorced by middle age. But they also reported better health at age 41. In contrast, those who felt the most entitled as young adults reported more negative life events and tended to have lower well-being and life satisfaction at middle age.

"We originally hypothesized that the leadership facet of narcissism would increase," Roberts said. "In fairness to my co-authors, that hypothesis was mine, and it turns out I was wrong."

Leadership is associated with goal persistence, extraversion, self-esteem and a desire to lead. It is considered one of the least pathological elements of narcissism, Roberts said.

"We know from past research that another component of personality, assertiveness, tends to increase during this time of life," he said. "So, I thought it was reasonable to hypothesize a similar increase in the leadership facet. This either means the past research is wrong, or our read of the leadership component of narcissism is wrong -- it may actually be more negative than we thought. We have to figure this out in future research."

Vanity appeared to be most strongly linked to life events, the researchers found. For example, vanity declined more in those who entered into serious romantic relationships and those with children. But vanity declined significantly less in middle-aged adults who had experienced more negative life events than their peers.

"We also found that narcissistic young adults were more likely to end up in supervisory jobs 23 years later, suggesting that selfish, arrogant individuals are rewarded with more powerful organizational roles," Grijalva said. "Further, individuals who supervised others decreased less in narcissism from young adulthood to middle age -- meaning that supervisory roles helped maintain prior levels of narcissism."

Despite the differences between individuals, most of the participants who responded to researchers' questions again at age 41 saw a decline in narcissism as they matured, the researchers found.

"Very few people, only 3% of participants, actually increased in overall narcissism between the ages of 18 and 41," Wetzel said. "And some remained just as narcissistic at age 41 as they had been when they were 18 years old."

"The findings should bring comfort to those who are concerned that young people are problematically narcissistic," Roberts said. "With time, it seems most people turn away from their earlier narcissistic tendencies."

Source: University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, News Bureau

Why Therapy is Important for Trauma Survivors

When considering the healing process for trauma and abuse victims, the idea of therapy may lead to some eyebrow raising. In the long term, however, therapy has undeniable benefits for these individuals. While therapy does not give you instant relief like regular medication, it is a tool to learn strength, confidence, and preventative information over time so that you never find yourself in an abusive situation again. Other benefits for victims of trauma include a better understanding and validation of one’s feelings, and rebuilding confidence so you can move on in life.

Therapy occurs in many forms, such as group therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy (which I am currently trying out), and mindfulness-based therapy. You can choose whichever one works for you according to your preferences, as long as you take a leap of faith and try it out.

Remembering that therapy is an ongoing process is important. You will not see many of its benefits right away, since healing from abuse requires time and work. For the most effective therapy, you need to be focused, willing to be vulnerable, and ready to participate in communication and self-help with the assigned “homework.”

Why Go to Therapy?

After attending therapy a few times, I found that it helps me understand more about myself and why I react uniquely in different situations, depending on events in my past. It also allows me to analyze the shame I often feel regarding past abusive experiences. For trauma victims, walking around with shame can cause anxiety and depression. Feeling like a shell of a person, you no longer feel like yourself, yet you badly yearn to return to the way life was before the abuse. Unfortunately, that is not possible, which is why learning to cope with your symptoms and getting help as soon as possible after experiencing trauma is paramount.

Understand/Validate your Feelings!

One of therapy’s benefits for trauma victims is how it teaches them to interpret their feelings and emotions, which can lead to the next step in the healing process. Validating those feelings and emotions can also promote self-confidence in oneself, a key element in building up the mental strength to leave behind past abuse. Since abuse victims usually believe that their emotional responses are unreliable, affirmations from unbiased outsiders like therapists can hugely impact victims’ mental well-being in a positive manner.

What are the Signs of Abuse?

A second reason therapy is helpful is that it educates victims on signs of abuse as a precaution for future, potentially dangerous circumstances. Moving past traumatic experiences includes learning how to discern appropriate and inappropriate behaviors in relationships. Being in an abusive relationship can induce self-doubt, which is detrimental to a victim in the process of healing.

Therapy can teach you what to look out for in a relationship that exhibits signs of domestic violence. Some of these signs are: discouraging you from seeing family and friends, shaming you verbally and psychologically, and controlling your whereabouts at all times.

Rebuild Confidence in Yourself!

A final reason to go to therapy is that it rebuilds your self-confidence and reminds you of who you once were. To avoid abuse, trauma survivors normally try to please their partners by catering to their desires and conforming to their ideals. Sadly, you can you lose yourself in this process of making the other person happy. Therapy can help you remember who you are and who you want to be after having experienced the abuse. It offers you a safe space to be who you want to be, to say what you want to say, and most importantly, to express your emotions and feelings without repercussions.

These are just a few reasons on why therapy is important for abuse survivors. Remember, therapy is not a magic pill-it cannot immediately remove the memories or feelings you hold of past trauma. However, by giving you tips on how to rewire your brain and think differently of your situation, therapy allows you to process trauma so that it no longer negatively affects you nor holds you back in life.

How to Process Emotional Trauma and Move Forward from Past Domestic Violence

Emotional abuse is very devastating, and in some cases, can be more traumatic than physical abuse. Bruises and broken bones heal and leave visible scars, but for some, emotional abuse can linger, shaping them later in life and leaving invisible scars. For emotional abusers, there are no particular targets. Abuse does not depend on gender, class, education, ethnicity, or political affiliations, showing up in any household imaginable. Most emotional and physical abusers are narcissists and psychopaths who display no empathy and are massively self-centered.

For survivors, staying out of emotionally abusive relationships can be difficult. This is especially true when abusers manipulate your emotions by acting kindly or expressing a longing to get back together. Unfortunately, the likelihood of their narcissistic or psychopathic tendencies changing is low, so leaving and getting the help you need to start healing is the best thing you can do.

How Emotional Abuse Affects the Brain

According to recent studies, chronic stress resulting from emotional abuse or any other kind of trauma releases cortisol. This is a stress hormone that can damage and affect the growth of the hippocampus, which is the main area of the brain associated with learning and memory. This leads to mental diagnoses like depression, anxiety, PTSD and C-PTSD. PTSD, or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, is the result of a traumatic event or a series of events. C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) is “the result of persistent psychological trauma within an environment in which the victim believes there’s no possibility of escape.” Another damaging effect on the brain from long-term abusive relationships can be Stockholm’s Syndrome, in which victims identify with their abusers and can even defend the abusers’ actions.

How to Heal After Getting Out of an Abusive Relationship

The fallout of a relationship marred by domestic violence can include harassment, attacks, or both. The ongoing mental trauma and emotional stress that follows can lead survivors to ask if leaving was worth the effort. A victim’s self-esteem is often extremely low at this point because of the abuser’s destructive work in their lives. If a survivor tries to rush recovery, this may result in depression, anxiety, and self-judgment. Because abuse is rooted in power and control, breaking away from the mindset that the abuser imposes in the victim is hard even if the survivor has already left the relationship.

Rebuilding your life will take time, but finding closure and peace is possible. Below are some steps to take to transition from victim to survivor:

1. Cutting off all contact with your ex is your first step
2. Surround yourself with support
3. Take care of yourself
4. Remember that healing takes time
5. Tell yourself the truth, don’t be in denial
6. Exercise
7. Journaling

During this process of healing, you may feel like you need to forgive your abuser or that you are to blame for some part. This is not true, as you did nothing wrong. Be sure to surround yourself with a strong support network, whether that be with friends, family, or through counseling and support groups. Taking care of yourself is one of the best ways to recover. Remember that none of the abuse was your fault.

What Next?

While everyone at some point has heard the phrase “time heals all wounds,” the reality is that the process of recovery can feel incredibly frustrating. However, if you give yourself the time, you will begin to heal. Emotional trauma victims need to feel physically and mentally safe, but this is easier said than done. Fortunately, it is still doable: if you pay attention to words or situations that trigger you, you can avoid further trauma and anxiety. Find things that make you happy and rediscover hobbies and activities that you once loved. This will take time, but is crucial to your restoration from domestic abuse since you are finding out who you are again. Having come out of an abusive relationship, you already have the internal strength to make future challenges a little less scary. You are now free and strong.

Practical Steps to Recover After Narcissistic Abuse

How To Protect Yourself When Divorcing A Narcissist?

#1. Understand Their Source of Rage

It doesn’t matter if it was the narcissist leaving, they will be angry and even enraged because their delusion of how things were supposed to be hasn’t worked out and it’s your fault because you didn’t follow their script.

Why is the narcissist so angry at you?

Being faced with failure, the narcissist feels shame, which is one of the worst feelings that narcissists experience. They feel afraid and out of control, so they need to be the persecutor to keep from feeling like the victim and to keep from emotionally collapsing.

#2. Don’t Rescue Them

Having spent a great deal of time in the role of rescuer with the narcissist, it’s hard for you to quit rescuing them. But doing so is definitely against your best interests. In fact, now that the narcissist sees you as the enemy, any comforting and pacifying skills you used before, might be interpreted by the narcissist as you trying to control and take advantage of them. Your rescuing behavior can also be a signal to the narcissist that you are still willing to give in to his wants.

#3. If You Have Shared Assets, Get A Legal Help

When your relationship is about to end, make a plan to help you leave this relationship safely. Get a lawyer or legal assistance to help you have control of your assets and get a way to support yourself ahead of time.

#4. Protect Yourself From Their Rage

Don’t let the narcissist’s rage, blame, and menacing and intimidating comments and predictions about your future make you feel threatened and anxious. Recognize that these are his ways to lower your self-esteem and get you to easily give in to what he wants. Protect yourself both physically and psychologically as soon as possible:

Change the locks on the doors,

Open a separate bank account,

Remove your name from your joint credit cards,

Stop asking them for help,

Don’t respond to their hostile e-mails or texts,

If you feel intense feelings of anxiety, try calming yourself down by breathing deeply and reaching out to your loved ones or a mental health counselor.

#5. No Contact Rule

The best way to protect yourself from the narcissist rage is to go no contact.

Quit responding and interacting with the narcissist,

In case of a divorce, do all communicating through a lawyer,

Disengage emotionally by unfollowing/unfriending or even blocking them from social media,

Ignore e-mails or texts from the narcissist to talk things over, find closure, or give them explanations,

If you have to meet face-to-face, use a public place to avoid either of you triggering old feelings.

Any interactions you need to have with the narcissist should be businesslike, meaning emotional responses should be relegated to the background, and only the specific issue at hand should be discussed. This also includes no name-calling, rude remarks, hostile body language, crying, begging, or sharing your inmate feelings.

#6. Take Care of Yourself

If you’re not used to putting yourself first and take care of your physical and mental health, then this is the best time to start doing so. Make sure you get enough exercise, healthy food, sleep quality, and “me” time. Actively taking care of yourself improves your self-esteem, keeps you from shutting down emotionally or dropping into depression, and makes mentally stronger to handle challenges.

Keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings to help reduce confusion and figure out what you want to next,

Get a massage, sit in a hot tub, or do whatever makes you relax,

Remind yourself that self-care isn’t selfish, it is good sense.

#7. Find Support

Dealing with this kind of situations alone can be very painful. It’s important to reach out for help and support. You don’t just need talk about it, you will need validation that you’re not crazy the way the narcissist made you feel:

Seek a therapist with extensive knowledge about narcissism,

Reach out to nonjudgmental, non-advice-giving friends,

Read books on narcissism and healing from a narcissistic relationship,

Join a support group.

Get Closure After A Narcissistic Relationship

#8. Change Your Perspective

One of the ways to help you get closure and let go of the relationship is to come to terms with accepting that the person you loved is “emotionally disabled,” and that their emotional disability is not going away no matter how many promises they will make to change or when their False Self is in place and they appear normal, relaxed, and even charming.

#9. Let Go of Winning and Losing

The narcissist is all about control and looking better than you. You might have engaged with them in this competition before. The only way out of that rivalry is to step away and let go of trying to control outcomes – you can’t lose if you’re not in the game. The narcissist can be very determined to keep you in the game. He might send you photos to show you how happy he is in his new relationship or spend extra money on a new car to show you how well he’s doing. Remind yourself that they’re using these things to make you feel like a loser and let go of comparing yourself in any way to the narcissist. Instead work on creating the life that you want for yourself.

#10. Don’t Hide—Let Others Know What You’re Going Through

The narcissist might have worked hard to make you en feel ashamed, humiliated, and responsible for the end of the relationship. This shame might push you to hide and not tell anyone what is happening. Recognize that the narcissist wants you to feel this shame and hide and start sharing what is going on in your life with a family member or a close friend you trust – you need their support. This doesn’t mean that you need to share every anecdote or portray the narcissist negatively or start labeling and name-calling. With your nearest you can be more open about your experiences and feelings. With more casual friends it’s okay to share how you are doing in general terms, such as “I’m having a tough day today,” or, “I’m feeling anxious today.” With acquaintances you might say “William and I are separating. It hasn’t been working out for a while.”

#11. Dealing With Denial

1. Acknowledge the Harm That Was Done

Admit to yourself and others the full extent of the damage you’ve suffered in your relationship with the narcissist. Explore your own pain, by counting up all that you have lost (your goals, dreams, self-esteem, confidence, friendships, money, time, etc.) Acknowledge that the narcissist isn’t going to change, no matter how many promises they make to get help or to change. Don’t feel embarrassed to admit that you have been abused and abandoned. But also affirm to yourself that you’re not to blame for the way the narcissist treated you – you did not make the narcissist treat you badly. The narcissist chose to blame you and treat you that way to avoid feeling bad himself.

2. Experience the Feelings

Denial of your feelings is what kept you from being aware of the reality of your abusive situation and kept you in the relationship longer than was healthy for you. Acknowledge your own feelings of hurt, pain, frustration, and whatever else comes up for you. Write about it and talk about it with someone you trust.

#12. Opening To Anger

It’s normal for you to feel angry – it’s a natural response to being harmed and controlled. Allowing yourself to feel this anger is extremely important for the healing process. Anger is what’s going to push you to action to protect and take care of yourself.

#13. Letting Go of Bargaining and Delaying

Becoming aware of how you have been victimized and bringing your anger and hurt to the surface can help you let go of bargaining. However, be aware not to avoid these feelings and start fantasizing about going back to how things were. Acknowledge that it’s wasn’t all bad, and that it’s okay to miss the enjoyable, maybe even wonderful times. But also evaluate and look back from a new perspective – a more aware perspective.

#14. Dealing With Depression

1. Take Time to Grieve

You can’t force yourself to get through your grief quicker. So use your grieving time to take care of yourself and self-reflect. Examine your concerns, feelings, and losses. Write about them, or talk about them with someone you trust. Use the following questions to help you reflect: What specifically are my losses? What emotional/physical/financial costs am I feeling as this relationship ends?

What are the feelings I’m having about these losses? What can I do about these?

What makes this difficult for me? How can I make it easier on myself?

What do I need to learn about myself in order to feel better?

What changes do I now have to face? What strengths do I have to deal with these changes?

2. Dealing With Despair

Despair can be an incredibly disturbing experience. But it can also be a healing experience. It solidifies that the past is being left behind and lead you to final acceptance.

#15. Acceptance

1. Being Present

Being present can be a very hard task when you’re still angry and depressed. Present can also seem too scary to face. But eventually, you’ll have to face the present, get back on your feet, and create a new life plan. Being present helps you gain more clarity, evaluate your choices more effectively, and adjust to what you’re feeling more easily.

2. Accepting What Is

Accepting means that you can see clearly that there is no going back to what was, that the narcissist isn’t going to change, and that things won’t be the same. Acceptance gives you the insight to move forward. It also brings a sense of freedom and relief.

Change Your Life

#16. Tune In to Yourself

This can be a good me to look inside, figure out who you are and reevaluate your life. What parts of yourself, goals or dreams have you given up to please and accommodate the narcissist? What negative beliefs about yourself have you incorporated from his abuse? Reconnect with yourself and embrace who you are, what you love, and the feelings and experiences that bring you joy.

#17. Embrace Your Emotional Growth

We humans tend to resist change, especially if it comes suddenly and not of our own choosing. However, with change come better experiences. Get out your journal and reflect on the changes you noticed since the separation and what other changes you need to do to improve your life. Notice how you feel about these changes (fear, excitement, dread, curiosity).

#18. Reach Out to New Opportunities

Every crisis comes with new opportunities. The end of your relationship with the narcissist can bring new options, new people, and new possibilities that help you grow, advance, and open up to more of who you are and what you want in your life.

#19. Dealing with negative thoughts

Using your journal, work on replacing negative inner voices in your mind with more nurturing voices to help build up a more positive picture of yourself.

Step 1: Commit to making journal entries for two weeks for ten to fifteen minutes every day, ideally at a regular time.

Step 2: Start by writing about what you are thinking and feeling at the time – express your concerns, wishes, feelings, thoughts and reflections.

Step 3: After a week, look back at your journal and try to identify any negative patterns of negative statements. Can you associate the critical voice with any voices from your past or present? When do you think you might first have heard that kind of statement? Who might have made it and in what setting?

Step 4: Commit to mindfully challenging and replacing the negative voices when you write in your journal next week.

* If you have identified the negative voice as being that of someone you know, ask yourself what reasons they may have prompting them to speak like that. Look for evidence that suggests that the negative voice is inaccurate or too extreme.

* Imagining what you would say to a best friend who is in the same situation.

* Remembering someone from you past or present who is supportive to you, and imagine them responding to your negative statements.

#20. Affirm Yourself

Positive affirmations help you build a sense of positive personal identity that is unique to you. They can help you replace your negative thoughts about yourself and raise your self-esteem.

Exercise: Create a list of positive affirmations personal to you. Keep it where you can see it regularly and read it to yourself through the day. For affirmations to work, follow the subsequent rules. Use positive expressions: Saying “I am not a failure” is perceived by your unconscious as “I am a failure” because it fails to assimilate negative concepts. Instead, say “I am a successful person.” Use expressions in the present: It’s better to use phrases like “I am a successful person” instead of “I am going to be a successful person.” Visualize the pictures associated with these statements: This will help increase the effectiveness of the statements. Feel the corresponding emotions: It makes no sense to tell yourself something like “I’m a self-confident person” if you think otherwise in your mind. In a way, you’ll only send mixed signals to your subconscious mind. Repeat, repeat, and repeat.

Following is a list of statements of a positive inner dialogue: I accept myself because I realize that there is more to me than my current skill levels and shortcomings.

I examine criticism for ways to improve, without questioning my worth as a human being.

I notice and enjoy each achievement or progress, no matter how insignificant it may seem to me or to others.

I expect others to like and respect me.

I can laugh at some of the ridiculous things I do every now and then.

I enjoy making others feel happier and glad for time that we share.

#21. Should You Forgive a Narcissistic Abuser?

Forgiveness isn’t about excusing the abuser. To excuse the narcissist is to give in or let them off the hook, and that will only set you up for more deception and abuse. Forgiveness has nothing to do with whether or not the abuser deserves to be forgiven. Forgiveness can be given without the narcissist ever knowing they have been forgiven. Forgiveness is about letting go of toxic feelings – anger, resentment, and fear. It is a commitment you make to yourself to heal your wounds and allow yourself to begin life with a clean slate. Ann Landers said, “Hanging on to resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.” Forgiveness is also a by-product of self-love. When you truly love yourself, you’ll have no need to hold on to grudges. There are many ways to help you forgive:

1. Write a letter in which you express your anger and pain and related thoughts.

Writing things down can be healing in itself and forgiveness do not depend on your abuser reading the letter. But if you wish to send the letter, at least wait a week or more before deciding whether or not to send or email it.

2. Use an empty chair.

Sit across from it and speak to it as if the person you wish to address is sitting in it.

3. Use forgiveness meditation.

1. Take your time to relax and clear your mind by focusing on your breath.

2. Then let yourself picture and remember the many ways you were abused by the narcissist.

3. Feel the sorrow you have carried from this past and sense that your heart is ready to release this burden of pain by extending forgiveness.

4. Now say to yourself “I have been carrying this pain in my heart for too long. I am ready now to release the pain. To those who have caused me harm, I offer my forgiveness, I forgive you.”

5. Gently repeat this statement to yourself until you feel a release in your heart.

If you didn’t feel ready to let go and move on yet, be compassionate with yourself. Forgiveness cannot be forced. Simply continue the meditation and let the words and sensations gradually work in their own way.

Narcissism as a Coping Mechanism versus Narcissism as a Personality Disorder

Today, the words narcissism and narcissistic are widely used in everyday conversation to refer to someone who is extremely self-absorbed.

This informal adaptation of a clinical term could be compared to the use of the word depressed. Many people use that word to describe their feelings of sadness. This is very different from clinical depression, which is a serious disorder.

Narcissism as a Coping Mechanism

Self-protection strategies or coping mechanisms represent unconscious psychological strategies that aim to shield us from our wounded child’s negative feelings and thoughts.

These coping mechanisms may include:

Overspending

Addictions

Binge eating

Overreacting when you feel even slightly rejected, dismissed, or abandoned.

Playing the victim

Playing the martyr

Holding onto resentments

Blaming others

Procrastination and using distractions

denial,

perfectionism,

people-pleasing,

control,

avoidance and withdrawal

Narcissism can also be a coping mechanism. It’s not healthy, yet it’s extremely common. In this sense, narcissism is not a personality disorder but an outcome of being raised by less-than-perfect parents.

Narcissism as a Personality Disorder

Outwardly, someone with NPD appears to be a self-obsessed individual who thinks they’re the most important person in the room. But this demonstration of grandeur and flawlessness is nothing more than a self-protection strategy to suppress the wounded child’s struggle with feelings of worthlessness, deep insecurity, and inferiority.

According to the DSM-5 Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, narcissistic personality disorder erepresents “A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).

2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

3. Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).

4. Requires excessive admiration.

5. Has a sense of entitlement (i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations).

6. Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends).

7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.

8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.

9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.”

In this sense, someone with NPD doesn’t just cause problems in other people’s lives, the person who has the disorder experiences distress and upset as well.

Ways of Narcissistic Abuse – The Narcissist Brainwashing their Victims

A relationship with a narcissist involves cruel and relentless emotional abuse. Narcissists are able to do this by brainwashing their victims. They use a variety of methods in order to obtain control over their significant other. First they “love bomb” their prey, then they threaten, degrade, shift blame, criticize, manipulate, verbally assault, dominate, blackmail, withdraw, withhold love and affection and gaslight their victims. Self-professed narcissist and author of “Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited,” Sam Vaknin describes how a narcissist abuses his/her victim:

“He infiltrates her defenses, shatters her self-confidence, confuses and confounds her, demeans and debases her. He invades her territory, abuses her confidence, exhausts her resources, hurts her loved ones, threatens her stability and security, involves her in his paranoid states of mind, frightens her out of her wits, withholds love and sex from her, prevents satisfaction and causes frustration, humiliates and insults her privately and in public, points out her shortcomings, criticizes her profusely and in a “scientific and objective” manner – and this is a partial list. Very often, the narcissist acts sadistically in the guise of an enlightened interest in the welfare of his victim. He plays the psychiatrist to her psychopathology (totally dreamt up by him). He acts the guru to her need of guidance, the avuncular or father figure, the teacher, the only true friend, the old and the experienced. All this in order to weaken her defenses and to lay siege to her disintegrating nerves. So subtle and poisonous is the narcissistic variant of sadism that it might well be regarded as the most dangerous of all.”

The narcissist will try to brainwash you and has many tools in his toolset. The aim of this is to keep you under control, to get the needed affection and attention he so deserves.

1. The Narcissist and Love bombing

“Love bombing” is an attempt to influence a person by lavish demonstrations of attention and affection. It has been used to refer to abusers in romantic relationships showering their victims with praise, gifts, and affection in the early stages of a relationship. One victim describes it as follows: “The narcissist girlfriend thought the world of me, came to me for advice, and would do anything for me; she was so like me and so perfect until the cracks began to show. They cannot keep up the facade for very long. But they are masters, if you don’t know better, at getting you hooked.” That feeling of “love” that you have is more intense than normal because the narcissist first floods you with expressions of love, and then they withhold, and then they give a little; over time this changes you- it’s a form of manipulation, control and brainwashing. There is no doubt that you have loved. But narcissists can’t love you back. What happens in these types of relationships is that you get so caught up in the feeling that you don’t listen to the alarms that go off in your head.

2. The Narcissist uses Degradation

Narcissists degrade their victims and tear apart their self-esteem which can make resistance to their control strategies difficult. They use tactics such as sarcasm, criticizing, name-calling, berating, belittling, excessive blaming, screaming, threatening and humiliation. Over time, the constant verbal and emotional attacks weaken the victims and erode their sense of self-confidence and self-esteem while it makes the narcissists feel more powerful and, hence, exert further control.

3. The Verbal Assaults of the Narcissist

This includes berating, belittling, criticizing, name-calling, screaming, threatening, excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation. It also includes exaggerating your flaws and putting you down in public. Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self-confidence and self-worth.

4. Emotional Blackmail

Here the abuser plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other “hot buttons” to get what they want. This could include threats to end the relationship, the “cold shoulder,” or other fear tactics.

5. Demonstrating Dominance:

A Narcissist believes and projects an attitude of being all-powerful and all-conquering which can convince the victim that resisting the narcissist is futile. They need to be in control of others, must have everything their way, and will resort to threats or any other methods to achieve submission. Eventually, the victim loses their self-respect.

6. Threats If Victim Does Not Comply

Narcissists will promote feelings of anxiety and despair in their victims by making threats and using intimidation. This encourages the victim to submit to the unreasonable demands or bullying of the narcissist.

7. Abusive Expectations

The abuser places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside (including your children) to tend to their “very important” needs. It could be a demand for constant attention, frequent sex, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person. But no matter how much you give, it’s never enough. You are subjected to constant criticizing and berating because you don’t fulfill all of this person’s needs.

8. Isolation

Isolation deprives the victim of any social support which reduces their ability to resist. The narcissist will keep the victim unaware of what is happening (e.g. by taking total control of the family finances, making plans that are unknown to the victim, tell lies about them to others, etc). This strategy leads to the victim becoming dependent on the narcissist for validation and information. The narcissist will insist on controlling their partner’s time and physical environment to try to curb their natural behavior and feelings of independence. They may insist on their partner giving up certain hobbies, social or work activities. They may even insist their partner move away with them to a new location, further isolating the victim from their family or friends.

9. Total Control of the Victim’s Perceptions

Abusers may convince the victims that aspects of the victim’s character or behavior are ‘wrong’ which takes the focus off what the narcissist is doing. Using the isolation of the victim, the narcissist can then control what type of information and stimuli the victim has access to.

10. Unpredictable Responses

Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts are used to keep the victim unsettled and anxious. This behavior leaves the victim feeling like they are always on edge. They are always waiting for the other shoe to drop and can never know what’s expected. They remain hyper vigilant, waiting for the other person’s next rage or mood change. Living like this is extremely demanding and anxiety-provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly frightened, unsettled, and off-balance.

11. Constant Chaos

A narcissist may deliberately start arguments and be in continual conflict with others. They are often addicted to “drama” since it creates excitement.

12. Gaslighting

The narcissist will deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. The victim knows differently but the other person will deny their perceptions, memory and sanity. That makes them begin to think they are crazy or losing their mind.

13. Enforcing Trivial Demands

The narcissist will make a huge commotion over trivial matters in order to condition the victim into developing a habit of being compliant.

14. Occasional Indulgences

The narcissist may provide ‘treats’ or demonstrate kindness to encourage and motivate compliance with their demands. In the end, the victim is brainwashed to believe their partner is somehow supremely intelligent and all-powerful; the victim feels it is useless to resist them. The reality is that the narcissist is a dysfunctional, malicious and abusive individual. Narcissists and other abusers employ these techniques because these tactics are highly effective for achieving their goals of manipulation and control.

13 Signs of a Narcissistic Husband (And What to Do)

When you met him, you couldn’t believe how lucky you were. He was charming, outgoing, and everything you ever hoped and dreamed of. You wondered what you did right in the world that made this fairy tale come true. And then he became a nightmare narcissistic husband. Slowly, he became critical and controlling. Everything was all about him, and he didn’t care how you felt or what you thought. Slowly, the man you met just disappeared before your eyes. How did that happen? What went wrong? How could he have changed so much? The thing is, he didn’t change. Deep down, he was always like that in his inner core. The problem was, he put on an act for you in the beginning, and you believed him.

Don’t worry – you are not alone. It has happened to countless women. It’s easy to get fooled by a narcissist, and by the time you figure out who he really is, you are probably already married to him. If this scenario sounds familiar to you, then your husband probably has narcissistic traits (or could even be a full-blow narcissist). Maybe you’re not even fully sure if your husband is a narcissist or not, so let’s take a look at some of the traits you should look out for.

1. He Acts Better Than Everyone Else

He probably goes around telling everyone about all of his “great” accomplishments. He wants people to think he is better than they are, and that includes you – especially you.

2. He Doesn’t Listen to Your Opinion

Whether it’s something simple like what you want to do on a Saturday night or something major like which house to buy, your narcissistic husband probably doesn’t really listen to your opinion. He might pretend to, but then he does whatever he wants to anyway, regardless of what you think.

3. He Needs to Be Right Every Time

He thinks he knows everything. You could tell him that 2 + 2 = 4, but he would argue with you and say, “No, 2 + 2 = 5.” Meanwhile, you’re scratching your head wondering how he thinks he could possibly be right. But he doesn’t really care what the truth is; he just needs to “win” and be right.

4. He Controls You

Maybe you put on some new jeans and he says, “You can’t go out of the house in those because they are too tight.” Or if you want to go out with your friends, he tells you that you can’t. He might limit you in main areas of your life or treat you like a child when you’re at home.

5. He Gaslights You

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation. When he uses it on you, he plants seeds of doubt in your head. This, in turn, makes you question your own memory or sanity. He turns reality around on you and makes you question yourself (when in actuality, he’s the one you should be questioning).

6. He Needs Admiration

A narcissistic husband always wants you to tell him how amazing he is. As I said in #1, he goes around trying to make himself look better than other people. And in doing so, he wants the admiration that goes along with being “superior.”

7. He Shows No Empathy

He completely lacks the ability to see your perspective on anything. He doesn’t care how you feel or if you are hurting. He just cares about himself and what he thinks. He likely doesn’t notice when you’re feeling down or angry, and when he does, he will glaze over it to make you feel that your emotions don’t matter.

8. He Blames You

He never takes personal responsibility for anything and always blames you (or other people). Everything is always your fault, and he does absolutely nothing wrong. Even if you try to reason with him to try to see how his actions were not right, he will deny it and try to blame you instead.

9. He Acts Like a Victim

Because nothing is ever his fault, your narcissistic husband is usually the “victim” of others’ actions. If his project at work failed, he will blame it on his boss, co-worker, or clients. He constantly has a victim mentality because he cannot look at his own actions and see that he is responsible.

10. He Doesn’t Feel Guilt

He might say or do things to you that are very hurtful. Maybe you caught him doing something like texting another woman. Even after you catch him, he won’t feel any guilt at all. He’ll shrug it off like it’s no big deal, and tell you to just get over it.

11. He Lies

Everything that comes out of his mouth tends to be a lie. You may or may not be able to catch him in the lies, but you probably have a gut instinct that what he’s saying most of the time is simply not true.

12. He’s Mean and/or Abusive

He’s just plain mean to you. He might criticize you and call you names like fat, ugly, or stupid. He probably tells you that you’re lucky to have him because no one would ever want you. He might even physically abuse you.

13. He Enjoys Your Pain

Because he is incapable of feeling empathy, he almost enjoys seeing you in pain – either emotionally or physically. It gives him a sense of power over you. He also feels absolutely no guilt when he inflicts pain on you.

What You Can Do If You Have a Narcissistic Husband

Now that you know the signs of a narcissistic husband, there are some things you can do. Let’s take a look at some of them.

Set Boundaries

Narcissists will take and take and take some more – unless you don’t let them. They are bullies, and bullies like an “easy target.” They don’t want someone to fight back and draws boundaries that they can’t cross. However, when you do it, they will have no choice if you stand your ground (and you should).

Stay in the Right Mindset

Don’t allow your narcissistic husband to manipulate your mind. Stay in the right mindset, and don’t allow him to brainwash you. You know the truth, and you know you do. Don’t allow him to make you second-guess yourself.

Don’t Take It Personally

I know that his words and actions are hurtful, but try not to take it personally. Honestly, what he says and does is actually not about YOU. It’s about HIM and his own insecurities. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you are the bad person in the relationship. You aren’t!

Leave

I hate to say it, but you can’t really change a narcissistic husband. In fact, you really can’t change anyone. They have to want to change, and if they don’t, they won’t.

If you have tried your best to make it work and are still miserable, then you have two choices. Stay and get more of the same, or leave and find someone who isn’t a narcissist. I know it’s not easy to leave, but you just need to make the decision that is best for YOU, not him.

Being married to a narcissistic husband is not easy. There are a lot of narcissists in the world, so you are not alone. Try to find some support and remember to love yourself first because you deserve it!