Signs of Narcissistic Abuse Therapists Need You to Know

Narcissism doesn't just affect one person—it can have far-reaching negative and sometimes dangerous effects. Here are the signs of narcissistic abuse in a relationship.

Understanding narcissistic abuse

While the word narcissistic is thrown around a fair amount, narcissistic personality disorder is a rare and diagnosable condition. According to The American Journal of Psychiatry, up to 5.3 percent of the general population has the mental health disorder. However, this doesn’t just affect those who have the personality disorder. Therapists are beginning to recognize the negative and dangerous effects of narcissistic personality disorder on the people surrounding those with the disorder. They’ve even given it a name: narcissistic abuse. Here’s what you need to know about narcissistic abuse, how to recognize the signs, and deal with it, according to experts.

What exactly is narcissistic abuse?

“Narcissistic abuse is a term used in some therapy fields for the negative consequences of relationships with narcissistic individuals,” says W. Keith Campbell, PhD, psychology professor at University of Georgia and author of The New Science of Narcissism. Though it doesn’t have an official definition, experts who work with narcissists and those around them are honing in on why it occurs.

Why it occurs

“The basic reason for abuse is that people who are narcissists can be very good at many things but they’re not good at relationships,” says Elinor Greenberg, PhD, licensed psychologist, Gestalt therapist, trainer in borderline, narcissistic, and schizoid adaptations, and author of Borderline, Narcissistic and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration and Safety. “They’re living on a tightrope while the rest of us are on solid ground. The narcissistic adaptation involves trying to get self-esteem and being as far from feeling shame as possible.” Greenberg adds that these people can resort to extreme methods to avoid feeling shame, including devaluing those around them, acting grandiose, or being highly sensitive to things that others with thicker skin may have ignored. The result: Instead of feeling shame or discomfort, narcissists go to great lengths to transfer those feelings to their partner, resulting in a cycle of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. There are a number of ways that narcissists will do this.

Signs of narcissistic abuse

Extreme language “Narcissists tend to view the world as all good or all bad,” explains Greenberg. “The way this will manifest is that they’ll use lots of extreme language at both ends of the spectrum.” For example, they might refer to a tasty omelet as the most delicious thing they’ve ever eaten or describe a headache as the worst pain that any human could bear. The bad news is that when narcissists turn this extreme language on their partner, it’s likely the negative end of the spectrum. “Narcissists are very easily threatened and will be quick to invalidate others or make them feel worthless,” says Greenberg. According to the Office on Women’s Health, the feelings of shame and being unwanted that can result from this are hallmarks of emotional abuse in relationships.

There’s no middle ground “To be diagnosed with full-on narcissistic personality disorder you have to lack the ability to see yourself and other people in an integrated, stable, and realistic way,” says Greenberg. One way this missing trait will reveal itself is in how the narcissist talks about themselves and their own flaws as well as about people who aren’t present. “Most people live in a sort of middle ground in both cases,” explains Greenberg, noting that someone who isn’t a narcissist usually isn’t inclined to judge themselves or others too harshly. “But for narcissists, there isn’t any middle ground.” Proximity to this tendency towards extreme judgments can be dizzying and mentally draining.

One-mindedness “One-mindedness is the belief that there is only one valid point of view and it’s their own. It’s something children have but usually grow out of around 3 or 4 years old,” says Greenberg. It can also be incredibly damaging to a relationship, which requires compromise. “A narcissist only sees one way as the better way,” adds Greenberg. “They can’t see the pluses and minuses of someone else’s position.” In many cases, this leads to the narcissist being overly argumentative or antagonistic. “This core antagonism has been called entitled self-importance or darkness,” says Campbell. “It’s in this antagonism where we find narcissists’ sense of entitlement, lack of empathy, manipulativeness, and belief in their superiority.” (A lack of empathy is one of many symptoms of someone with an antisocial personality disorder or a psychopath.)

Public negativity Say you’re at a restaurant and the service is subpar. You may comment on it in hushed tones while your server is out of sight or even wait until you’re in the car on the way home to voice your disappointment. But a narcissist, says Greenberg, is much less likely to wait. “They are quick to take others apart publicly in a negative and devaluing way,” she says. More generally, they may say things in public that their companions can’t believe they mean or find very odd, strange, or inappropriate. If this happens repeatedly, it may lead to less socializing and interacting with others and increased isolation, a tactic used by domestic abusers.

Prioritizing the self “The narcissistic self is always at risk and can gain status or lose status at any time,” says Campbell. “So narcissists’ motives and goals are heavily shifted in the direction of the self. With grandiose narcissism, people build and enhance themselves, and with vulnerable narcissism, people protect themselves. In either case, narcissists prioritize self before others.” That’s a problem because mutual support is critical to any healthy, happy relationship and the lack of support can lead to feelings of isolation and low self-esteem.

Being a victim of life Despite their feelings of superiority and entitlement, many narcissists also hold themselves completely unaccountable in the events of their own lives, says Greenberg. “They will say things like it’s always the other person’s fault, they are perfectly blameless, and they just have a history of other people doing them wrong. But this ‘victim of life’ idea is just an unrealistic position.” It will also negatively affect the people closest to them since that is where the blame will most likely fall.

Dealing with narcissistic abuse “Whether these things will truly become a problem in a relationship is a crapshoot. The dice can roll any way, any day,” says Greenberg. If the narcissist is getting validation from another source, such as from their job, they may be able to maintain a relatively healthy relationship for quite a while, she adds. “But if that validation goes away, things can go downhill fast.” If things do go downhill, seeking out a family or relationship therapist might help—though a narcissist is unlikely to admit any wrongdoing or recognize blame. If it gets to the point where you feel like you need help out of an emotionally abusive relationship, please contact your local womens aid.

Experts say we're in an epidemic of narcissism. Do you know the telltale signs?

They have zero patience for other people’s problems

The defining feature of narcissism is an excessive interest in oneself, which means they generally care very little about other people’s experiences. “Narcissists tend to have a diminished sense of empathy, meaning that it is difficult for them to attend and relate to the thoughts, feelings, and suffering of others,” explains Sander van der Linden, PhD, a social psychologist at the University of Cambridge who has done extensive research on narcissistic personality.

They are charming and magnetic

Narcissists make an incredible first impression, appearing to others to be confident, sexy, attractive, competent, warm, and funny. This means they’re often the most popular or most interesting person in the room as people feel drawn to their overwhelming charisma even without really knowing them, says research published in Frontiers in Psychology. However, the sparkly social veneer quickly wears thin as the more time you spend with them, the more the negative aspects of narcissism begin to take over.

They are a take-charge leader

Because of the ego boost and power they provide, leadership roles are a natural draw for people with a narcissistic personality, according to a study published in Personnel Psychology. And, the researchers found, narcissists can make very good leaders—up to a point. That’s because eventually, people under them may begin to tire of them being exploitative, arrogant, and even tyrannical.

They go through friends fast

It’s the narcissist’s paradox: They constantly denigrate and disparage others, yet they desperately need their admiration. This means they are constantly finding new friends who will praise and adore them, only to ditch them the second they start to get too real. “Seeking admiration is like a drug for narcissists,” explains Mitja Back, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Munster and author of a paper on narcissism. “In the long run, it becomes difficult because others won’t applaud them, so they always have to search for new acquaintances from whom they get the next fix.”

They are master manipulators

Manipulation and exploitation are the narcissist’s modus operandi in relationships, Dr. Van der Linden says. Friends, family, and lovers are only good for what they can provide to the narcissist, whether it’s through feeding their ego or providing them with money, sex, advanced social standing or other things they want. Master manipulators can often sabotage a healthy relationship and transform it into a toxic relationship.

They can’t stop talking about how great they are

Narcissists love nothing more than to talk about themselves and their own achievements, Dr. Van der Linden says, and the tendency to be overly braggy and arrogant is often one of the first tip-offs as to their true nature. But they don’t just say they’re the best, the genuinely believe they are better than others. “Delusions of grandiosity and a strongly inflated sense of self-importance and entitlement are hallmarks of narcissism,” he adds.

They can’t handle criticism

“Although some narcissists are more introverted, many narcissists react defensively and even aggressively, to personal criticism or failures,” Dr. Van der Linden explains. When confronted with a weakness, even in a neutral way, they can react with sudden and surprising outbursts of yelling, crying, anger, or other aggressive behaviors.

They are obsessed with the latest fashions or standing out

The intense absorption with oneself often manifests in being very particular about appearance and wanting to be known as the hottest, most desired person in the group, according to research published in the Journal of Research in Personality. Narcissists put a great deal of time and energy into “creating a physically attractive veneer” through exercise, expensive clothing, makeup, hairstyles, cars, accessories, and other public displays of power and status.

They won’t take no for an answer

Because of their feeling of entitlement and lack of empathy, narcissists are more likely to push for what they want and refuse to accept a negative or alternate response. And this tendency can even cross over into the criminal. A study done by the University of Georgia found that narcissistic men were far more likely to rape or sexually assault another person.

They are very insecure

Insecure narcissism may seem like an oxymoron but the two go together more than you’d think, says Zlatan Krizan, PhD, an assistant professor of psychology at Iowa State University. “These individuals still think they’re special, entitled, and they want to be great, but they just can’t do it,” he says. “As a result they’re vulnerable, their self-esteem fluctuates a lot, they tend to be self-conscious and not very proactive, but passive, shy, and introverted.”

They are sexually promiscuous

People with a narcissistic personality are more likely to sleep with many partners and to cheat in a relationship because they’re always looking for something (er, someone) better, according to a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. And because of their desire to control other people and their inability to empathize with them, they may also get a perverse pleasure from convincing others to do sexual acts they wouldn’t otherwise.

They’ll tell you straight out

While most of us see a narcissistic personality as a bad thing, narcissists themselves may not—and may actually take some pride in it. “This will, of course, depend on the person and the situation, but in general, there’s a good chance that they might just tell you. Our research, as well as that of our colleagues’, shows that people are surprisingly willing to self-identify as narcissists,” Dr. Van der Linden says. “The ‘narcissist’ label seems to provide an opportunity for narcissists to differentiate themselves from other people because it signifies a unique status, which likely makes them feel even more ‘special.'”

Is There a Covert Narcissist in Your Life?

The word narcissist likely brings up the image of someone kind of clueless—they put their feet up on your desk while talking about how great they are. But there is actually another, lesser-known and tricky-to-recognize type of narcissism: Covert narcissism. Here’s what you need to know about covert narcissists, including how to recognize them, what they might say, and how to deal with one in your life.

What is a covert narcissist?

The main distinction between types of narcissists is how they experience grandiosity, a core feature of narcissistic personality disorder. A 1991 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology described overt narcissists as people who scored high on a grandiosity-exhibitionism scale—they were more grandiose—while covert narcissists scored high on a vulnerability-sensitivity scale, indicating that they were more vulnerable. Narcissists who are more overt, or grandiose, come across as feeling entitled and self-centered, according to psychologist Deidre Pereira, a fellow of the American Academy of Clinical Health Psychology.

These are the stereotypical narcissists. On the other hand, covert narcissists are or present as more vulnerable. “The covert narcissist has the broad narcissistic traits of being arrogant and self-involved while also being defensive, hostile, hypersensitive to criticism, anxious, and moody or bitter,” Pereira says. “Compared to the overt narcissist, they may come across as highly sensitive, introverted, anxious, depressed, envious, and/or lacking in confidence and self-esteem.”

Narcissists can be covert, overt, or both

Clinical psychologist and personality researcher Joshua Miller, a professor of psychology at the University of Georgia, notes that there are many different ways to be both overtly and covertly narcissistic. People could have a narcissistic personality that is both grandiose and vulnerable. That’s why some experts don’t like to differentiate between different “types” or “categories” of narcissism.

Kenneth Levy, director of the Laboratory for Personality, Psychopathology, and Psychotherapy Research at The Pennsylvania State University, says overt and covert narcissists are two sides of the same coin. “It’s important to recognize that all grandiose narcissists have vulnerable moments, and the vulnerable narcissists often have grandiose moments,” Levy says.

Although people can be predominately vulnerable or grandiose in their presentation, the other side lurks close behind. Both overt and covert narcissists can meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder; they may just differ in how they manifest it, Pereira explains. That’s why it’s important to know how to recognize a covert narcissist. Below, experts share some things covert narcissists say, plus other covert narcissist traits to recognize.

Covert narcissist traits

Covert narcissists are prone to experiencing shame and may respond to perceived slights by attacking and showing vindictiveness or passive-aggressiveness. They are also especially preoccupied with feelings of inadequacy. Ramani Durvasula, a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Santa Monica, California, whose work focuses on the impact of narcissism, adds that they may be sullen, resentful, and argumentative too.

How to recognize a covert narcissist

Miller doesn’t think there are easy ways to recognize a covert narcissist, especially because vulnerable narcissism is on the subtle side. In fact, Levy says covert narcissists are probably harder to spot than grandiose narcissists because of their subtlety. Although there is still a sense of entitlement and self-importance, it appears to a lesser degree and in a different way than it does in overt narcissists, Miller explains.

Covert narcissists may have other mental health issues

One thing that makes covert narcissists so much harder to spot than overt ones is the fact that this type of narcissism can overlap with other personality or mental health disorders. “If you score high on vulnerable narcissism, you tend to endure psychopathology of every kind like anxiety, depression, panic, and substance abuse,” Miller says. “So it is going to be hard to recognize because it does, in fact, seem to be just this global tendency toward intense negative emotion.” These negative mood states or depressive reactions occur mostly when life doesn’t go their way, which is often, according to Durvasula.

Covert narcissists have a “woe is me” mentality

One of the main things that every expert agrees on is that covert narcissists feel disproportionately mistreated and have an overexaggerated sense of suffering. Their sense of self-importance comes from the idea that they deserve more, or special treatment, because of their distress or because of bad treatment from other people, Miller explains. These feelings come from a place of lacking, Miller says. Another way to think about it is as entitled victimization, Durvasula says. “[It’s] feeling inadequate or feeling insufficient, and at the same time feeling sort of resentful toward others and feeling like you’re not getting your fair share or due in the world,” Miller says.

It’s always only about their suffering

Covert narcissists lack the recognition that lots of people have difficult times. “There’s this sense that their situation is unique and special, despite the fact that, from an objective perspective, we might realize that [all] people experience difficult situations,” Levy says.

Covert narcissists believe people are out to get them

People who are vulnerable or covert narcissists have low-grade paranoia, according to Durvasula. They feel that people are out to get them and that everybody has bad motives or is trying to take advantage of them. They even externalize blame, believing others are responsible for the situations they are in, Levy says. It doesn’t help that they are also highly sensitive and reactive to what other people think.

They don’t have long-term relationships

Covert narcissists may have trouble forming long-term intimate reciprocal relations with others because of their own neediness. That’s because the narcissist directs so many of their resources toward their own distress and their own need to feel better, according to Miller. “They make it hard to also care sufficiently for others because they feel like they have not been cared for sufficiently,” he adds. And it’s hard to form long-lasting relationships if your go-to move is to withdraw from people when angry, Levy explains.

Covert narcissists manipulate relationships

It’s extremely stressful to be in a relationship with someone affected by any form of narcissism, according to Pereira. Especially because they are prone to gaslighting. “With a covert narcissist, you may end up feeling devalued, manipulated, ‘less than,’ angry, sad, and anxious,” she says. “These are signs that it may be helpful for you to talk to a licensed mental health provider to find ways of managing these feelings and learning ways of setting healthy limits and boundaries.” Another trademark: pushing for pity and guilt. You may even feel compelled to help them. But people often find that no matter how they try to help, it’s never enough, says Durvasula.

Things covert narcissists say

Here are some examples of things a covert narcissist may say, according to the experts.

“Must be nice that your daddy paid for your tuition. If someone did all of that for me, I would be making millions of dollars.”

“I am too smart for this place. I can’t believe I have to be slumming like this.”

“Being in a relationship just leaves you open to manipulation. I’m glad I am single.”

“I know I deserve all good things, and I am going to manifest it. Even though everybody is out to stop me, I will show them.”

“Nobody appreciates me. I do so much for everyone, and when it’s my turn, everybody lets me down.”

“I deserve a lot because I haven’t gotten my share in the past.”

“No one has suffered as much as I have.”

“I could have been one of the great ones, but nobody ever had my back.”

How to deal with covert narcissists

It’s not easy dealing with any kind of narcissist, including a covert narcissist. But there are some things you can do if you have any kind of relationship with someone who exhibits these traits.

Evaluate the relationship

Pereira recommends asking yourself some questions to evaluate the relationship. Consider:

What are my priorities?

What are the current power dynamics in the relationship?

How important is this relationship to me?

What are the other person’s current interpersonal skills and capabilities?

What are my short- and long-term goals in this relationship?

“The answers to these questions will help you decide how to address any conflicts or issues with the person affected by covert narcissism,” Pereira says. For instance, if the covert narcissist is your employee versus your employer, your approach will be different.

Accept the reality

Durvasula offers the same advice for anyone managing any kind of narcissistic personality in their lives: set realistic expectations. “They are not going to be empathic or nice or accommodating, so be ready for that,” she says. And with realistic expectations must come radical acceptance too. “This pattern is rigid and resistant to change, so recognize it is not going to change,” Durvasula says.

Establish and stick to boundaries

Be prepared that anything you do will not be reciprocated and will likely be criticized. “And if you give an inch, they will take a victimized mile,” Durvasula says. “So set [boundaries] and stick to them.”

Consider saving your breath

“Don’t defend yourself when you talk to them, because they aren’t listening and don’t really care about what you are saying,” Durvasula says. Stick to simple responses, and don’t overexplain yourself. “It will just devolve into a maddening and manipulative conversation,” she says. Interacting with a narcissist is a tough line to walk for the average person as well as therapists, according to Levy. “You want to empathize with their perspective at some level, but you don’t want to do it to a degree where you are actually reinforcing distortions in their perspective,” he says. The covert narcissist may find the sympathy or empathy they receive insufficient. And even if you sympathize, there’s often a part of them that doesn’t believe you really mean it, Levy says.

Try these strategies for communication

If you attempt to engage with a covert narcissist, consider Pereira’s strategies for effective communication. She calls the first the DEAR MAN strategy.

Describe the situation factually.

Express your feelings and perceptions about the situation.

Assert yourself by asking for what you want or by saying no.

Reinforce or reward by explaining the positive effects of getting what you want or need and the negative effects of not getting what you want or need.

Stay mindful. Focus on your goals. Ignore distractions, including threats or attacks.

Appear confident and effective.

Negotiate and offer alternatives.

Pereira suggests using the GIVE strategies when you need to maintain a difficult relationship:

Be gentle and courteous.

Act interested and really listen to the other person.

Validate where the other person is coming from.

Use an easy manner when you communicate. Smile and use humor.

Protect yourself

Limiting your exposure to the narcissist is ideal, according to Miller. “The best thing is to protect yourself to some degree, even if you have empathy for grandiose, vulnerable, or people who have shades of both [narcissism],” he says. “Protect yourself first before you try to help someone else and judge if you’re in the position to do so.” You have to make sure that you are in a place to interact with the covert narcissist. You don’t want to be vulnerable to being harmed or hurt emotionally. Encouraging therapy and treatment for the covert narcissist is also a good idea. It may help reduce their negative emotions and improve their sense of well-being so some of that intense self-focus may go away, Miller says. “Getting treatment for those issues may well bring some relief to the person but also to those in their circle,” he says.

The Sting of Covert Narcissism

Covert narcissism is messed up! It is so twisted you feel like you are going insane just trying to get a grasp on what’s going on. It is so hard to pinpoint and impossible to describe. You can’t possibly explain it to someone who hasn’t experienced it themselves. Trying to makes you sound crazy, even to yourself. So now you question your own sanity. It is mind-boggling and exhausting. Many victims collapse into a pile of nothing and give up.

The covert narcissist is a master at appearing innocent, kind, compassionate, generous, sincere, benevolent, and much more. To the world, they look not only normal, but even better. They could convince the world that they are the perfect spouse. Yet underneath that, in the most subtle ways, they treat people with contempt, disregard, hatred, condescension, disdain, antipathy, physical abuse and much more.

The covert narcissist is a master at subtleness. Their attacks are often not outright and in your face. But they are experts at making others feel stupid, worthless, despicable and miserable. Their assaults are like a thousand bee stings. One or two bee stings here and there over the course of a lifetime would not be a problem. We wouldn’t even remember them over time. But imagine getting stung every single day of your life, multiple times a day, for years. For those who are living or have lived with a covert narcissist, we don’t have to imagine it. We are experiencing it or have experienced it. It is unbearable!!

Imagine this - you get stung by a bee (assuming you are not allergic). You are telling your best friend about it. You might get a moment of sympathy from your friend, but it would be extremely small and short-lived. The conversation would move on. Later that day you get stung again. You tell your friend. She might respond, “Wow, twice in one day. You sure are unlucky today.” Again, sympathy would be small, and life would move on.

Now a couple of days later, this cycle repeats itself. Your friend, who maybe has never even been stung by a bee, is already slightly tired of hearing about it. They want to talk about other things than bees. As this continues, you become obsessed with the bees that keep stinging you. At the same time, your friend is annoyed by it and thinks you are crazy. You have no scars or visible marks of any sort. To your friend, this looks like something that can easily be overlooked.

Your friends may try to convince you that bees are little and fairly innocent. Or that a bee sting doesn’t hurt that bad and you should get over it. They might even tell you that you are imagining this because no one gets stung that often. Or they might point out the great things that bees do for us, such as make honey and pollinate the flowers.

But you don’t want to hear any of this. After years of being stung, you want to extinguish every bee on the face of the earth!!! This is like dealing with covert narcissism. The stings might seem small and insignificant in this world of violence. Everyone who watches the nightly news full of beatings and murders might tell you that this is nothing and you are over-reacting. You will hear from others that you are seeing things wrong and your perception is off. These individual events with your covert narcissist will seem so small and insignificant by themselves, like a single bee sting.

You will be told that it’s not really that big of a deal. Even by your covert narcissist! They say things like, “What are you so upset about?” “You’re over-reacting!” “What are you talking about? I’m a great husband to you. You’ve never once had to worry about me hitting you or the kids. What have I EVER done that could have hurt you so bad?”

This is crazy-making stuff!! In the “bee” situation, you would think you are losing your mind if you were being stung every single day. It would be incredibly frustrating to keep trying to explain this to people who don’t believe you or don’t validate your feelings. Whether people believe you or not, you would eventually have to take it upon yourself and try to figure out why the bees keep stinging you. Why are the bees attracted to me? Why are they mad at me? Where are they coming from? What can I do about it? How do I make this stop!?

Being with a covert narcissist is no different. You will be stung every single day, and maybe even every single conversation. You will be made to feel stupid and worthless all the time. They will manipulate everything to make you feel like every problem in the world is your fault. You will find yourself apologizing and don't even know why. Their words come out harshly and accusatory. When you try to make peace, they defend themselves aggressively and attack you at the same time. There is never any time that you feel safe from being stung.

People who have never been stung by covert narcissism are not going to be able to understand. They either won’t believe you or won’t validate your feelings. You can’t wait for them to get on board with you. Eventually, you have to take this into your own hands and try to get some answers. Why is he/she attacking me? Where is all this coming from? What can I do about it? How do I get this stopped!?

I assure you that you are not losing your mind. Your frustrations, your confusion, your hurt….it’s all real. You have a reason to feel the way you do. You have a reason to be searching for answers. You have a hurt soul that needs to be healed. The pain is real. The scars are real.

Don’t stay and just keep getting stung. Don’t try to convince yourself that it isn’t real. Don’t try to ignore it or grin and bear it. Don’t wait for everyone else to see it. They may never see it for themselves.

Do get some help and support. Do some research. A simple google search of covert narcissism brings up tons of valuable information. Join online support groups. Start to work with a therapist, even one or two sessions makes a huge difference and can give you some direction.

Healing Affirmations For Victims Of Narcissistic Abuse

Freeing yourself from the clutches of a narcissistic abuser is just the start of a much longer healing process. One seemingly insignificant, yet powerful, thing you can do to aid your recovery is to repeat a series of affirmations to yourself daily. Ideally spoken out loud, these positive statements about you and your life can help your mind adjust its internal monologue away from a place of helplessness, towards a position of empowerment. As you speak or think them, you create and reinforce a strong mental state. Over time, you will become more resilient to the hurt and harm inflicted in your past and less influenced by it. Use these affirmations regularly as just one of many tools to move beyond the damaging effects narcissism has had on your life.

(1) I am healing slowly, but surely, day by day one step at a time.

It is important to remind yourself that the healing process is a continual one. Depending on how long a narcissist was a part of your life, it can take months, years, or even a lifetime to fully come to terms with it. What’s more, the path is not always a straight one; you may take forward steps, backwards steps, and even sideways steps. Just remember that every step is a part of the journey and that it is neither a waste nor a failure to have setbacks. This simple confirmation that you are healing can provide the energy and impetus to get you through the challenges you’ll face along the way.

(2) I am putting the past well and truly behind me to focus on the present and future.

Some victims of narcissistic abuse will find that their minds naturally drift towards past events; this acts like a chain around their ankles, preventing them from moving on with their lives. This second affirmation is designed to jolt you out of this way of thinking by committing you to a more forward-looking mindset. Whenever you find memories linked to narcissism creeping into your head, reiterate your desire to let go of the past. It takes awareness and persistence to shift your thoughts away from previous events, but it is achievable through sheer determination and a degree of self-forgiveness when you slip up.

(3) I am a loveable person who deserves the care, affection, and respect of others.

When in the grips of a narcissist, it is common to find your sense of self-worth being eroded. That’s why it is essential that you begin to rediscover it the moment you break free. The three key points in this affirmation – care, affection, and respect – are things that every individual is worthy of, but that narcissists are incapable of giving (at least in a genuine and sincere way). When they are withheld for any length of time, you begin to forget what they feel like. Repeating the above phrase consistently will act as a reminder that you are not only loveable, but that you deserve to be treated with kindness and consideration.

(4) I am making self-care a priority.

Those who become entangled with a narcissist eventually surrender their own interests in order to put the other party first. This habit can easily stay with you even after you’ve managed to walk away from them. You need to ensure that, from this point on, you put your own needs first – in many respects, even before those of any dependents in your life. Looking after number one needn’t be a selfish act; indeed, you are better able to love and care for others when you take proper care of yourself.

(5) I know and trust my own mind.

A common weapon in a narcissist’s arsenal is what’s known as gaslighting. In essence, it involves confusion, diversion, and delusion tactics designed to make you doubt yourself and become dependent on them. So this affirmation is one that seeks to once again give you faith in your own mind and your ability to act for yourself. Just stating the trust you have in your mental faculties over and over will give you the confidence required to let them guide you. You will slowly become more assertive and more willing to make bold decisions based upon your own beliefs and analysis of a situation.

(6) I have firm boundaries and the strength to stick to them.

Almost invariably, when you attempt to put distance between yourself and a narcissist, they will seek to claw their way back into your life somehow. It may not happen straight away, but eventually, driven by their need for narcissistic supply, they are likely to come knocking at your door. This is why it is vitally important to erect firm mental and personal boundaries in order to block their advances. Affirming the existence of these guarded perimeters in words will help to give them strength in your mind. Preventing a narcissist from re-entering your life is the number one requirement for your continued recovery. Give them the slightest glimmer of hope and this will be put at major risk. So remain unyielding to anything they throw at you.

(7) I have the full support of my friends and family.

It is worth remembering that you are not in this alone. While your time with a narcissist may have seen some personal bonds weaken, your true friends and family will still be there for you in your hour of need. When you are struggling with something and feel unsure where to turn, the affirmation above will remind you of the valuable support system available to you. Saying it frequently will also give you the courage that is often needed when asking for help. You won’t hesitate to seek the counsel of others when you are sure of their willingness to provide it.

The Idealize-Devalue-Discard-Hoovering Cycle

The idealize-devalue-discard cycle is now very well known in the toxic relationship recovery literature. It is the very common pattern that characterizes relationships with the so called Cluster B personalities – psychopaths/sociopaths, narcissists, borderlines and histrionics. Most especially though, it is associated with the psychopathic and narcissistic personalities. These are the most toxic of the personality disorders, since they view relationships and world in general with a cold, calculating detachment, devoid of any emotional engagement.

People are seen not as human beings, with feelings and boundaries that need respecting, but as objects to be manipulated and used for their own ends. This is why relationships with these people follow a particular, rollercoaster, up-down pattern. They are manipulative and exploitative personality types who are following a well worn formula/script that they know works on normal people who do experience vulnerability and intimacy in a way they can’t.

Here is a brief overview of each stage of the idealize-devalue-discard-hoovering cycle:

Idealize – Form a powerful bond by creating a manufactured soulmate (playing the perfect match)

Devalue – Start to withdraw and become cold, aloof and distant. Triangulate with others.

Discard – Drop the victim and move onto someone else, often waving the new person in your face.

Hoovering – Attempt to win back your trust by feigning sincerity, remorse and a desire for change.

The important thing to realize here is that personality disordered people do not authentically emotionally engage in relationships the way normal people do. They treat the process as a robotic series of predictable steps they play out to gain the trust of someone, and then break it in as painful and distressing a way as possible. Psychopaths and narcissists inhabit a toxic, barren, irritable internal world – their inner world is a mess, hence the term personality disorder. Instead of managing this state internally within themselves, they seek to reach out externally and improve their own state by provoking and hurting others.

The idealize-devalue-discard cycle (with hoovering sometimes added on) is a way of conceptualizing how they do this in the longer term attachments they form with victims.

The Idealize Phase

The idealize phase is when the psychopath/narcissist is trying to reel you in. They want to create a powerful, addictive bond between you and them, by creating the image of a perfect relationship and a perfect partner, a “soulmate” to use the cliche.

Common patterns in the idealize phase:

Intense mirroring (copying of body language, traits, speech patterns and personality). A sense that the person is walking and talking in rhythm with you.

“Love bombing” – showering you with constant charm, warmth, entertainment, gifts, attention and adoration.

Constant, regular contact in person or by phone at first. Giving constant attention and often demanding it in return, especially with the narcissist.

Bombarding your inbox/phone/social media with constant sillyness, humor, memes, inside jokes, stories, poems etc. (They’ll latch onto whatever you like and bombard you with it).

Promises of some bright future plan they have concocted, of some brilliant, easy, wealthy, abundant life together. No downsides or reality checks.

Intense and/or frequent sexual intimacy. The intent is to make it as addictive as possible. In many cases, once they have you, they intentionally afterwards show lack of interest, going on to use intimacy as a tool to repeatedly manipulate or hurt you.

The sense that you have known each other your whole life, despite perhaps only knowing each other for days or weeks.

A sense that they are the perfect match or “soulmate”. This is entirely synthetic and manufactured from the psychopath/narcissist.

They may talk about their “crazy ex”, but compare you favorably to them, saying how much better you are, how you understand them like no one else (put a bookmark in this one, because it flips in the devalue/discard stages).

Also displaying apparent pity about your past stories of abuse/neglect etc. Seemingly very attentive and caring.

Overall, a “flying high” sense of perfection, that you have found the perfect person and the perfect relationship. Nothing else can top it. Once victims recover from the insanity of these relationships, they see how unrealistic this was.

The crucial thing to realize here is that the toxic person is not truly, authentically engaged with this idealize process, no matter how romantic and charming it may seem to you, the unsuspecting victim. They are viewing the entire process with a cool, amused detachment. They are robotically going through the motions of creating the manufactured soulmate, because they have seen time and again how the process works. They treat it like a “press x for y” algorithm.

Over time, psychopaths and narcissists learn how to more effectively read and manipulate others. The more calculating ones have it down to an art form. Over time, this flying high sense of perfection creates a powerful, addictive bond with the person, sometimes called the psychopathic bond. This is created by the psychopath/narc being seemingly able to give you what you get from normal relationships, but also that little bit extra. It’s this little bit extra that becomes the addictive hook that they reel you in with. You get the feeling that nothing else will top this “perfect” relationship they seem to have formed with you. They are also training you to be more and more dependent on their favorable assessment of you, either in yourself or compared to others, for your own sense of self worth. They are placing you more and more under their control, psychologically, though you won’t be aware of it at the time. You’ll just think you have found the perfect match. Metaphorically, they are bringing the rollercoaster of the relationship very high, usually for a long time, so they can then cause the maximum damage possible on the downside. With psychopaths, there is a compulsion to cause harm to others – the more damage they can do, the better in this twisted, disordered mindset.

The Devalue Stage

Once they’ve got bored of this idealize phase, or have you sufficiently under their control, this is when they switch to the more nasty phases of the cycle, starting with the devalue stage. This is characterized by the psychopath/narc withdrawing and pulling away all the positive things they had brought to the “relationship”, slowly (or quickly) starting to remove the things you have become used to and dependent on.

Common patterns in the devalue stage:

Withdrawing all the warmth, charm and attention they have reeled you in with.

Sometimes becoming openly abusive, with insults, blatant lies, belittling, mocking, criticizing, undermining, embassaing you in group scenarios, open threats, silent treatment.

Becoming cold, icy, remote, distant and aloof. Drastically reducing their availability and contact.

Covert abuse – mind games, double meanings, dismissive and insulting meta-communication (words behind the words). Designed to leave you confused and doubting yourself.

Gaslighting – inverting reality and denying wrongdoing despite clear evidence to the contrary. Claiming things were done or said then they weren’t or vice versa.

Projection – putting things onto you that are actually theirs to own. Eg. saying you’re crazy, selfish, lying, cheating etc when they are. Crosses over with gaslighting in that they are flipping the script and inverting reality.

Seemingly moving on to new people who they seem to like better, and bombarding them with the same things they did to you in the idealize phase.

Triangulation – a key one – Where they’ll play you off against others, by now claiming they are so cool, while you are now the “crazy” one. Flipping the script on what they did in the idealize phase.

A crucial part of the mind games behind this withdrawal is to open up self doubt and self questioning in the victim. They want your mind to be racing, coming up with possible explanations about things you did wrong to cause them to withdraw in this way. It is important to realize that there is nothing you did; they planned this all along. It is a common and endlessly repeating cycle with disordered personalities, as they seek to fill the void in themselves by causing distress to others.

Remember, with the Cluster B personalities, it is all about power and control over others. If you are constantly thinking and ruminating about them, even in a negative way, then as far as they are concerned, they have power and control over you. Sociopaths and narcissists will accept any kind of attention, positive or negative, because even if you hate them, you are still thinking about them, and this means they still have control over you. This is why detachment and indifference become key skills in overcoming Cluster B abuse. If you don’t care about them anymore either way, they’ve lost control over you.

Psychopaths & narcs take their victims on a rollercoaster of emotions, from flying high positive to deep depair and worthlessness. They do this on purpose to maximize the damage caused

The Discard Stage

Once the psychopath or narcissist has ramped up the abuse and distress levels enough in their target, they’ll eventually get bored and drop the person completely, moving onto someone else. This stage is often more characterized by the devastation that’s left over in the victim, as their mind endlessly wandered trying to find an explanation for what just happened.

Here are some common patterns in the discard stage (psychopath’s behavior):

The toxic person may simply break off all contact with the victim with no explanation or excuse. Designed to cause maximum pain by leaving victims without any answers and feeling the whole relationship was inconclusive and unfinished.

May break off openly with a cruel, dismissive, cold message or conversation.

May cheat openly without even trying to hide it, then blame you for them cheating to add to the insult.

They will often wave new partners, friends and work associates in your face, either in person or on social media, trying to portray how much fun they are having with these new people now they ditched you, as they begin the cycle all over again with someone else. It’s all about mind games.

Here are some common things that will be going in inside the victim during/after the discard stage:

In some cases, victims may start chasing the psychopath/narc, trying to recapture them and rekindle the relationship. Do not fall into this trap; this plays into their game.

Extreme distress as strong feeling of rejection and abandonment hit home. Will be worse if you have pre-existing wounds from childhood that the psychopath/narc has triggered.

Extreme rumination and overthinking as your mind goes round at a million miles an hour trying to find an explanation and make sense of what just happened.

The general trend here with rumination will be to pull you out of your body and feelings and more into your head. You may lose touch with reality and your joyfulness and ability to enjoy life and the world will lessen.

The overactive mind may start to cause other mental health issues like anxiety, depression and addictions.

Anger and rage will also start to surface as the injustice of what happened starts to hit home.

Your other relationships may suffer as these negative emotions boil over. You start to become more controlling, irritable and less easygoing than you were before.

For people at this point, realizing what happened to you is an important first step.

Psychopaths and narcissists also know very well that victims in this situation will feel the need to compulsively check on social media to see what they are up to. They will plant things there that are covert messages and digs deliberately designed to wind you up. This is why you need to go complete no contact and cut them off entirely, including on social media. Don’t leave any way for them to play these mind games on you. Drop them cold and move on. If you choose to go and check them out on their social media, and look at what they are doing, they know very well that you do that. These are not stupid people; these are propoganda masters. These are psychological operations masters. Even if they are not very bright, even if they have a very low IQ, they know very well at an instinctual level how to promote a certain image, and how to manage that image.

The Hoovering Phase

This phase doesn’t always happen, but it can sometimes. Psychopaths and narcissists will, after ditching a person, sometimes come back to them at some later point, trying to rekindle the relationship as it existed in the early days. They are trying to draw you back in, too “hoover” you back in, hence the term. This may happen weeks, months or even years after the discard.

Here are some common patterns in the hoovering stage:

They’ll contact you again out the blue on social media or by text, email or some other means. This is why no contact is important to stop them doing this.

They’ll go back to the seemingly innocent, sweet, caring image if this is what they initially reeled you in with.

They may issue seemingly heartfelt apologies about how sorry they are about how they hurt you.

There will be promises that the cheating, gas-lighting, projection, lying etc. won’t happen again.

If you had been trying to get them to go to therapy because of their toxic behavior, they’ll promise to get help if you take them back.

Any other changes that you wanted them to make first time but they never did, they’ll latch onto these and promise to do them now, or claim they are “growing/changing/evolving/self aware” now when they haven’t changed at all.

The general message they’ll try to hoover you back in with is “I’ll be the person you always wanted me to be”.

If you do take them back, they’ll keep up these apparent changes for a while, then drop them and go straight back to the old, abusive patterns.

A key vulnerability here is if the hoovering phase happens earlier on after the discard, when the victim is still emotionally “raw” and unrecovered. The temptation to let them back in will be strong here. Psychopaths and narcissists can literally over time turn the people they get tangled up with into addicts, craving for the glib, superficial “highs” and breadcrumbs of approval they can give them. This is why it is important to go “cold turkey” on the toxic person and the relationship, and cut off all avenues of contact. If hoovering does occur, it is important not to fall for it – it’s all more mind games and manipulation to draw the person back in for another round of the I-D-D cycle, or just for the fun of it for the psychopath/narc – they get pleasure out of duping someone one more time and getting away with it.

Any promises to change they give you are nonsense – the Cluster Bs never change, absent some huge, catastrophic life event that forces them to rebuild themselves from the ground up, and/or years of intensive psychotherapy – and once you develop more emotional literacy and stronger boundaries, you will start to see how fake and false their promises are.

A Slight Variant: Tolerate-Devalue-Discard

An important point that is left out of some recovery literature on abusive relationships is that the idealize phase doesn’t always happen. Some sociopaths/narcs get bored with this process, or else don’t even make any pretense to actually like the person, but simply tolerate them before moving to the really toxic stages of the cycle. This can happen more with friendships and business relationships that intimate ones, but it is a common enough variant to the process to be worth mentioning. The I-D-D cycle is most commonly associated with romantic relationships, but this definitely isn’t the only context in which the same general pattern of abuse can occur.

Remember, for the Cluster B disordered personalities, any and all communication/interaction is an opportunity for abuse. They’ll happily seize on any opportunity to create chaos and distress within another person, even if it is more in a business/friendship context than an intimate one.

Here is how the tolerate-devalue-discard cycle can play out:

Tolerate – They will simply tolerate you and not attack you so viciously to begin with. There won’t be the same intense mirroring and idealization as usual. They may throw “breadcrumbs” of humor or occasional compliments your way. Characterized by a lack of abuse rather than intense idealization.

Devalue – Same as before. Will start being selectively aloof to you only, whilst being warm to others, excluding you from conversations and banter, smearing you to others, triangulating and so on. Often starts once you start challenging and confronting them on their character and behavior problems which start to become readily apparent.

Discard – They drop you cold and move on as before. Sociopathic managers will use their influence to get you fired or moved out. Friendships will abruptly end with them ignoring you or creating a manufactured blow-up or argument which they blame on you. Will feign happiness with new colleagues and friends in an attempt to make you feel bad. This is all an act, since they are every bit as toxic and disordered internally as they ever were. It’s all mind games.

Hoovering – Often no hoovering in these cases. For whatever reason, they’re not so interested in reeling you back in. Take this as a positive, since you can wash your hands of them more easily.

Again watch out for this version of the abusive cycle in non-romantic contexts, like work relationships or friendships. The psychopath/narc will sometimes play it slightly differently, because there may not be the same room for intense idealization as there is in romantic relationships.

Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissists are the masters of manipulation and disguise. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist or have encountered one in your lifetime, chances are you have experienced or witnessed some of their toxic behavior. Narcissistic abuse can be subtle and often worsens over time. The abuse may be emotional, psychological, financial, sexual, or physical. Recovering from narcissistic abuse is not something you have to do alone.

What Is Narcissistic Abuse?

Narcissistic abuse typically involves emotional abuse in the form of put-downs, accusations, criticism, or threats. A narcissist may gaslight you or contradict you in front of others. Withholding money, the silent treatment, isolation, and lying about you to others are other narcissistic manipulative techniques in their toolbox. The end goal of a narcissist is to control their victim’s behavior into maintaining their supply. Victims of narcissistic abuse have been reported to experience symptoms similar to PTSD, known informally as narcissistic abuse syndrome. Symptoms include intrusive, invasive, or unwanted thoughts, flashbacks, avoidance, feelings of loneliness, isolation, and feeling extremely alert. Being placed in a similar situation may trigger the victim physically or emotionally.

Signs of Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissists have an arsenal of tactics to destroy their partner’s reality and confidence to gain or keep control over the relationship or marriage. They may make you feel like you’re crazy, making it less likely that you will reach out to family and friends for help. A narcissist may use emotional, mental, physical, financial, spiritual, or sexual forms of abuse.

1. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is the intentional act of making you distrust your views of reality or believe that you’re mentally unstable using specific targeted phrases to make you feel this way. Here are a few signs you are being gaslighted:

You no longer feel like the person you used to be

You feel like everything you do is wrong

You always think it’s your fault when things go wrong

You feel more anxious and less confident than you used to be

You often wonder if you’re being too sensitive

You often question whether your response to your partner is appropriate

You’re apologizing often

You have a sense that something’s wrong, but aren’t able to identify what it is

You make excuses for your partner’s behavior

2. Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse could include accusing, belittling, blaming, bullying, criticizing, demanding, ordering, raging, sarcasm, shaming, or threatening.

3. Projection

Projection involves dumping their issues onto their victim instead of taking any blame. For instance, a narcissistic abuser may accuse their partner of lying when they have lied (this is sometimes referred to as DARVO “Deny, attack, reverse victim & offender“). Or they make a partner feel guilty when they’ve done nothing wrong. This creates confusion.

4. Twisting

When a narcissist is confronted, they will twist it around to blame their victims for their actions. They will not accept responsibility for their behavior and insist that their victim apologize to them.

5. Lack of Empathy

The lack of empathy or ability to feel and express emotions is the major reason why a narcissist’s relationships fail. In a healthy relationship, both partners care for each other’s well-being. In a narcissistic relationship, the non-narcissistic partner will not feel cared for and will show signs of sadness and loneliness.

6. Lying

Persistent deception to avoid responsibility or to achieve the narcissist’s own ends.

7. Silent Treatment

Narcissists punish by ignoring. Then they let their victim “off the hook” by demanding an apology even if they weren’t to blame. A narcissist may also have a history of cutting others out of their life permanently over small things.

8. Sabotage

Disruptive interference with your endeavors or relationships for the purpose of revenge or personal advantage.

9. Grandiosity & Overstating Their Own Importance

A narcissist’s grandiose sense of self-importance leaves no time or space for their partner or anyone else, leaving their partner feeling alone in the relationship.

10. Emotional Blackmail

Emotional blackmail is another form of manipulation to make you feel fear, guilt, or doubt. They may use anger, intimidation, threats, warnings, or punishment to keep you in line.

11. Making Everything a Competition

One-upping to always be on top, sometimes through unethical means, such as cheating in a game.

12. Love Bombing

Love bombing involves demonstrating attention and affection in an attempt to influence someone. It can cause internal conflict and confusion to the narcissist’s partner.

13. Financial Abuse

Financial abuse might include controlling you through economic domination or draining your finances through extortion, theft, manipulation, or gambling, or by accruing debt in your name or selling your personal property.

14. Privacy Invasion

Ignoring your boundaries by looking through your things, phone, or mail; denying your physical privacy or stalking or following you; ignoring your request for privacy.

15. Arrogant & Superior Attitude

Narcissists are incapable of connecting with other people’s feelings, causing their partner to feel unheard or ignored in the relationship. Over time, you will learn to not express your feelings or share the things that are happening in your life.

16. Character Assassination or Slander

Spreading malicious gossip or lies about you to other people.

17. Negative Contrasting

Unnecessarily making comparisons to put you in a negative light, pitting you against the narcissist or other people.

18. Sense of Entitlement

Narcissists expect to receive special treatment. If you do not bow to their every wish or demand, they will act out. You may receive the “cold shoulder” or “silent treatment,” or be met with name calling or physical abuse.

19. Withholding

This may include withholding such things as money, sex, communication, or affection from you.

20. Manipulative Behavior

Narcissists are the masters of emotional manipulation. They will try to control your thoughts and desires. Making future promises and emotional blackmail are two forms of manipulation but gaslighting is most common. Manipulation causes confusion, low self-esteem, anxiety, shame, and guilt. You may also be manipulated to stay home, not go to work, engage in sexual acts, or spend money on the narcissist.

21. Playing the Victim Card

When all else fails, the narcissist resorts to playing the victim card. This is designed to gain sympathy and further control behavior.

22. Ignoring Your Achievements

Talking about your achievements will trigger a narcissist’s insecurities and jealousy. They will escape the topic by cutting you off or changing the conversation. They will talk negatively behind your back or make up lies to discredit you and your accomplishments.

23. Hoovering

This term is used to describe a narcissist “sucking” someone back into a relationship, usually after a round of silent treatment.

24. Hogging the Conversation

Narcissists love to talk about themselves. They will embellish and flat-out lie to make themselves look better than others or inflate their accomplishments. There is no room to talk about your accomplishments, nor do they care about them in the first place.

25. Exploitation

People in their life are viewed as objects to meet the narcissist’s needs. They will take advantage of others without guilt or shame. They do not think about how their actions affect others, leaving their victims feeling unloved and uncared for.

Help For Narcissistic Abuse

Individual Therapy – Get personalized help with recovering from narcissistic abuse from a licensed therapist. Speak with your doctor and have them make a referral for you. On the other hand you can arrange therapy with a private practitioner in your area.

Support Groups – You are not alone in dealing with a narcissist. There are many support groups online (See our own listed on the right hand side of this page), also speak with your local services (Women’s Aid) to see if there are any local support groups in your area.

The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse

The narcissistic abuse cycle is a pattern of highs and lows in which the narcissist confuses their partner through manipulation and calculated behaviors aimed at making their partner question themselves. Each phase in the cycle works in tandem with the other in order to keep someone entangled in the narcissist’s web. Narcissists tend to deflect all their feelings onto others because of the pain they feel about their own feelings. They too may have had narcissist caregivers or parents, or experienced some kind of abuse or traumatic event which shaped their upbringing. However, this is not an excuse for the emotional and/or physical abuse inflicted on their victims.

Effects of Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic abuse has both short and long-term effects no matter how long or short the involvement. This type of control and manipulation is slow, subtle, and deliberate. While narcissistic abuse syndrome is not a diagnosable disorder, the symptoms of the emotional pain can leave you feeling disconnected and confused. Narcissistic abuse is a form of trauma, and the body internalizes and reacts to stress and trauma in many ways. You may experience body aches, headaches, and digestive problems from feeling on edge. In addition to stress on the body, the brain is affected too. You may experience a wide range of issues after surviving narcissistic abuse, including:

Cognitive difficulties including confusion, hypervigilance, or intrusive thoughts

Behavioral issues including withdrawal, increase in alcohol or substance consumption, or a change in communication

Emotional problems like fear, guilt, or irritability

Depression

Anxiety

Exiting a Relationship With a Narcissist

You can never please a narcissist. You cannot make them happy because they are not happy with themselves. It is often best to end the relationship for your own mental health. Exiting a relationship with a narcissist can be challenging. At the end of a relationship, they may beg, make promises to change, lavish you with expensive gifts, or profess their undying love for you. But know that a narcissist never changes—they only get better at their craft. Remind yourself that you deserve better and are worthy of love.

Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

Healing from narcissistic abuse can be a long road to recovery, but you can heal and live a full happy life. Finding a therapist who is experienced in dealing with trauma can be the best place to start. If you are unable to leave the relationship, a therapist can help you learn to set boundaries and communicate effectively with the narcissist to reduce the pain and suffering of the relationship. A counselor or therapist can help you:

Work through denial, guilt and shame.

Process the grief of ending the relationship

Challenge your negative thoughts and feelings

Deal with depression, anxiety, or other mental health symptoms

Reclaim your identity

Forgive yourself

Understand your feelings

Build new coping skills

Tell others about the abuse

Fight the urge to contact or get back with the abuser

Overcome self-harming behaviors or thoughts of suicide

Why victims who listen to narcissistic people develop C-PTSD

The “Denial Trap” is one narcissistic people love to use all the time while gaslighting their victims into questioning their own memories, heart, intelligence, and even sanity after they have been openly caught doing something nefarious. It’s their go-to responsibility avoidance move during any confrontation — one they will readily be angered by should the conversation turn to discussing the confrontation denial trap. Avoiding taking personal responsibility for any word, deed, or lack of appropriate action that they do is one of the favorite hobbies of most people who enable for sadistic pleasure or who actively decide to abuse.

Ultimately, confronting them about lying and manipulating leads to nowhere for the victim other than being left with an overwhelming sense of disappointment, heartbreak, and confusion. Obviously, persistent abuse leads to a trauma victim developing C-PTSD triggers galore, buttons an abusive person will love to push any chance they get for no other reason than to amuse themselves more.

Think about it. Does any of this stuff sound familiar? If you said yes in your gut, you might want to consider something dreadful — that you might be a Narcissistic Abuse victim. What’s more, you are likely to have spent quite some time living under their charming but not so charming love bombing or hoovering spells. After a breakup or family rift, life for a SURVIVOR who has not quite put two and two together about having been victimized may seem something like this…

You have officially been placed in the discard pile. Life has changed permanently. You have gone from being a person who loves life and family to being broken-hearted. What you once believed to the core of your heart and soul was a loving, nurturing support network is gone. Now, after having outed your abuser, you are left out in the cold, sitting back watching from the sidelines while angry estranged Narcissists and people with Flying Monkey personalities fawn all over the person who abused you. People you thought would never betray you, will — and what’s worse, won’t even give you the courtesy of telling you why they are doing it. Meanwhile, the monster himself or herself has run around claiming false victimization, telling made-up stories and partial truths spun so far out of context from the actual provable, factual events that happened that your head is still spinning and reeling from the last time a concerned Flying Monkey came to tell you all about how the poor victimized abuser was so wronged by you refusing to accept the toxic, brutal, or obnoxious ways they and their peer group have been treating you.

They are out there loving life, keeping themselves busy publicly doing everything they can think of to win friends and influence people by lying and making up horrible stories about you. You feel alone, devastated, totally betrayed, like perhaps all the “mean people” are right — you are somehow yourself morally deficient for asking to be treated with a shred of decency, to not be lied to or about, and to ask for people to treat you with at least common courtesy (even if they are not your best friend or biggest fan in life). What, under such surreal circumstances is the best thing for an abuse target or scapegoated victim of social smear campaigns, bullying, and mobbing to do?

Many fall into the trap of minimizing the abuse or worse — believe the gaslighting claim that it takes two to tango. Excuse us very much, but that is NOT the case at all when dealing with a narcissistic parent, high conflict divorce situation, or Ted Bundy-esque charming but ultimately sadistic and evil, toxic predator.

Avoid the pitfall trap of buying into the Cognitive Dissonance Flying Monkeys promote. They expect victims to believe tolerating and overlooking abuse is a virtue or they blame the victim. The person who has a Cluster B personality disorder acts covertly and pathologically lies.

The abusive person and their posse can be counted on to do the selfish and exactly wrong thing given every opportunity to do right. Their objective and subjective versions of their experience of truth are rapidly shifted on the fly while they promote themselves at the expense of others by telling anybody who will lend them a sympathetic ear a pack of partial truths twisted and distorted into a massive fertilizer pile of lies.

Friends and family members who are passive-aggressive (Covert Narcissists) are likely to pull the old narcissistic flip when and if a victim speaks up for himself or herself about domestic violence, covert manipulation, people who are situational abusers, and those who actively engage in serving up heaping plates full of unjust, extreme, and brutally traumatizing narcissistic abuse. These are NOT GOOD PEOPLE who would support an abuser. There are never two sides to the story when it comes to the truth — only subjective versions and people who act as jury and judge.

If any of them have a “Covert Narcissist” passive-aggressive streak, chances are they have been chomping at the bit to bring down a better human. True victims of narcissistic abuse fall prey to Flying Monkey predators and weaker Cluster B’s after a split because they are psychologically and emotionally reeling. The blood in the proverbial water after a huge argument or family fight brings rubberneckers and sharks out to watch the fireworks, all of them thinking only about how to keep the show going.

Seldom do toxic people encourage victims by validating their emotional experiences. They purposefully strive to interrupt the grief cycle of abuse healing in order to prolong the reality television episode while doing their best to cinch up their own fresh narcissistic supply. Stay away from jackals and fishmongers. If something about a friend or relative’s advice seems fishy — trust your gut. They are either into watching traumatic events go down for entertainment value or they are ultimately going to tear their own pound of flesh off your already raw emotional hide.

Resist the urge to have blind faith in people. Trust your instincts, protect yourself from predatory people, and by all means resist the urge to shift blame to yourself as a victim. The truth is sometimes stranger than fiction. For that reason alone, resist the urge to enable narcissistic abuse. Be polite and even kind — but seriously… for the sake of your mind, body, heart, and soul — resist the urge to invalidate yourself. When it comes to suffering through, witnessing, or being subjected to trauma, resist the urge to minimize.

The more malignant the narcy person, the more likely their favorite quote will be, “Who me? I didn’t do anything!” If you hear phrases like that and think to yourself, “Yeah, right…”, welcome to real Narcissistic Abuse recovery part of the process — learning how to trust your own insight, feelings (again), conscious knowledge, and personal spider senses when and if they start tingling when exposed to a thought form, argument, or person. It’s a safe psychological and emotional space, a place where the only people who survive and thrive resist the urge to minimize, the world of Narcissistic Abuse recovery.

How to spot the red flags and warning signs of NPD

People with narcissistic personality disorder tendencies are both overt and covert about their desire to engineer the social, emotional, financial, or physical well-being of their targets. Every person who comes into contact with one or a person who has ever been bullied, targeted, or scapegoated by a Narcissist for smear campaigning or abuse has (whether they are fully aware or not) been socially and emotionally impacted.

Truly, adults who are suspected of having or have been formally diagnosed with NPD are a vexing bunch. Since childhood or adolescence, was unkind, greedy, arrogant, and callously exploited others. Felt superior to others and didn’t respect the feelings and needs of others. This was not due to a medical or substance use disorder.

Social symptoms include the following personality “evidence”. Patterns of behavior that all Narcissistic people exhibit tend to include but are not limited to the following:

a grandiose and falsely inflated sense of self

acting as if they are the center of the universe

a propensity to act as if they are an absolute authority figure on any and all subjects — including when they have little to no objective or subjective experiences to meaningfully share with a group, individual, or to speak in public or private about but still compulsively feel the need to dominate conversations or negatively interject

Works poorly in a close teamwork environment with others (self-centered, can’t tolerate criticism or defeat, has a tendency to sabotage others or will deliberately self-sabotage so work that needs to be finished remains functionally incomplete)

Arrogant; feels superior to others; has a sense of entitlement; snobbish or patronizing attitudes

Attention-seeking (requires constant, non-stop, excessive praise or admiration)

Limited to no ability to self-soothe in a healthy manner

Passive-Aggressive tendencies

Irrationality centered in faulty logic and egocentrism

Frequently rage for little to no reason at the slightest provocation in order to control other people’s emotions (raging for no reason other than to cause discomfort for targets and collateral damage witnesses [victims])

Callous (lacks guilt); unkind; doesn’t respect the feelings and needs of others

Perpetually short-sighted; unable to conceptualize long-term consequences and concentric circle results

Pervasively invalidates the fundamental human rights of others

Greedy

Jealous

Manipulative

Pathologically lie to gain “advantage” for themselves and favorite friends or family members

Little to no respect for court orders or the law

Constant “crazy-making”

the tendency to commit the psychological mistake of “projective identification”

circular argument style that prohibits progress

employs word salad conversation techniques

makes “Ad Hominem” style attacks predictably and regularly against any and all perceived competitors or attention rivals

chaos manufacturing

gaslighting

constant rewriting of revisionist history or public promotion of lies that can be factually proven to be smear campaigning of honest people while engaging in the false promotion of deceptions

sabotaging behaviors (pulling the rug out from under someone’s feet, deliberate refusal to play an appropriate social role)

undermining

backstabbing

And the list goes on… you name it.

Individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder grow up feeling superior and needing to be admired. They have a longstanding pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy. The core feature of this disorder is antagonism (grandiosity, attention-seeking, callousness) which repeatedly puts the individual at odds with other people. This disorder is only diagnosed if:

(1) it begins no later than early adulthood

(2) these behaviors occur at home, work, and in the community, and

(3) these behaviors lead to clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder should not be diagnosed if its symptoms can be better explained as due to another mental disorder, Substance Use Disorder, or another medical condition. Interpersonal relations of individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are typically impaired because of their feelings of entitlement, need for admiration, and callousness. Although these individuals are usually very ambitious and confident; vocational functioning often is impaired because of intolerance of criticism or defeat.

Like all personality disorders, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a deeply ingrained and enduring behaviour pattern, manifesting as an inflexible response to a broad range of personal and social situations. This behavior represents an extreme or significant deviation from the way in which the average individual in a given culture relates to others. This [their] behaviour pattern tends to be stable [meaning predictable].

If you feel you have been targeted for social, emotional, physical, or psychological destruction by a person, family, or peer group exhibiting Narcissistic Personality Disorder tendencies, be careful. Narcissists very seldom work alone. Most run in packs or have an aggressive group of “easy to manipulate or con” enablers who are ready to jump in and lie for them or work together against a target to launch coordinated smear campaigns and/or Flying Monkey attacks. If you feel you are being abused on a consistent basis, you probably are — it’s that simple. Reach out to your local Domestic Violence shelter advocate or social services in YOUR area to discuss your issue and devise a plan to flee abuse or be able to more comfortably depersonalize the social and emotional impact of a Narcissist’s cruel target or scapegoating attacks.

How to spot a person with a toxic personality disorder

How do you know whether or not a bully (or temperamental, abusive person) has a full-blown Cluster B personality disorder? It is totally ‪ Crazymaking‬ — but truly toxic personalities always reveal their true nature over time. By the time they reach their 40s and 50s, typically their friendship pool begins to narrow to ONLY Flying Monkeys or people who — like them — have similarly toxic family units they themselves have cultivated, conditioning children to be “People Pleasers” with Stockholm Syndrome or taking after their own Cluster B natures.

Technically speaking, time will tell all about these characters. All you can do is pay attention to the patterns, monitor the person’s “acting out” or smear-campaigning behavior, give it time, and wait. If someone truly is dysfunctional or evil to the core, eventually they will be unable to control their own impulses to such a degree that socially at the very least close friends, family, and co-workers will not be able to “un-see” what they know to be red flags and warning signs of personality disorders.

A massive set of red flag issues is drug or alcohol abuse, drug addiction, any form of domestic violence, road rage, and academic or workplace bullying issues. Over time, pay attention to court records (both civil and criminal) and be sure to check multiple states and counties where the person in question is known to frequent, reside, or travel. Peer groups who have addictions issues typically are not on the ball or savvy enough to comprehend the depth of evil or harm such people can do. If they get off the sauce and uncloud their mind and if they are average people they will quickly learn how to distance themselves. If they are LUCKY, they will be able to escape narcissistic rage.

The unlucky ones? The Flying Monkeys and other enabling “Cluster B groupies” who minimize the impact of behavior on victims and any subtle or glaring red-flag warning signs their person of interest displays? Those are the people one sees in the headlines — typically ending up in jail or linked to some other malfeasance related to manufactured chaos — a specialty of the Cluster B person to create. It is all part of the SOCIAL SPHERE OF INFLUENCE of the egocentric.

The narcissistic cycle of abuse ‪hurts friends, family, community, and affects every neighborhood around the world. Your silence is an emotional terrorist’s BEST WEAPON. Break the silence, educate friends and family, and keep living YOUR life. It is never FAIR and there is seldom legal JUSTICE — but take comfort and solace in the fact they have to live with themselves.

Be yourself and be THANKFUL for your own space, emotional safety, and cognitive “gray rock” ability to de-personalize their vicious attacks. You will know you are healed FULLY when you can look at the person, spot the warning signs of cluster B manipulation, and see them for the circus monkeys they are…Remember — their PRIMARY goal is to have absolute power at all times over your intellect and emotions. They strive to estrange you from friends, family, and community, and to cripple you physically, spiritually, and financially.

Attitude is EVERYTHING. Abusive people think they are constantly under attack and act offensively in an effort to protect themselves while enjoying the sadistic torture of others. They only “win” when you stop talking… when you stop being yourself. Basically, they only win when you stop living.

Learning how to identify and depersonalize Narcissistic Abuse can help reduce the brainwashing and mind-control affect a person with a Cluster B personality disorders chooses for fun and sport to abuse. If your spider senses have led you to this page, trust them. People with Cluster B personality disorders are socially, physically, financially, and emotionally dangerous to any and all scapegoats, targets, and collateral damage victims. They also have a profoundly traumatizing impact on family members as well as children.

How Narcissistic Abuse in relationships leads to the formation of wholly preventable stress related illnesses

Narcissistic Abuse in relationships leads to the formation of wholly preventable stress-related illnesses. It’s a medical fact. C-PTSD and its symptoms cost every nation and country not only the social and mental health of their citizenry, but the cost to caretake people who have been brutalized by Cluster B individuals in public or private who develop things like life-threatening or chronic health issues as a result are likely to do fiscal and tremendous life-quality harm to (physically) almost everybody.

With depression named as the most common global illness by the World Health Organization (WHO) likely due to misdiagnosis of Narcissistic Abuse victims who are too scared to report or who don’t realize their hospitality is being abused in the 2017 – 2018 year, taking the issue of social abuse seriously at this juncture in 21st-century society is essential.

People who abuse the hospitality of others by acting in ways that are socially abusive, neglectful, antagonizing, or competitive cause people — themselves included — to suffer issues relating to things like high blood pressure and increased sensitivity to physical pain or discomfort. The folks we are discussing in this stipulative context are individuals typically suffering from Cluster B personality disorders.

To be more accurate with our discussion, problem people cause other individuals to suffer. Then, they wonder why when the bloodlusting chemicals released in their brain when they are in fight mode subside, life — to them — seems somehow lackluster and boring.

People with Cluster B minds are socially competitive and aggressive. Prone to actively and willfully engaging in various and or all forms of social or physical violence depending on their extremity of type, toxic people — problematic individuals — tend to lack the ability to self-soothe without needing to act like a codependent person interested in self-generating opportunities to engage in socially or personally destructive behavior.

Emotional abuse includes but is not limited to all of the following Machiavellian Narcissistic Abuse tactics:

yelling

name-calling

spewing insults or otherwise ridiculing you

attempting to make you question your own sanity (gaslighting)

invading your privacy

punishing you for not going along with what they want

trying to control your life

isolating you from family and friends

making subtle or overt threats

Noting that reacting to abuse is NEVER the same thing as initiating abuse to attention seek is crucial for victims seeking to regain a locus of emotional and psychological well being. People who create problems in a community, a workspace, a school system, a peer group, a romantic relationship, and or within a family unit by doing things like gaslighting, lying, betraying people’s trust, by causing big scenes at always the most socially destructive moment possible, and who fail to show other humans any form of respect cause everyone around them to develop medical distress.

By yelling — using words to hurt, amplified in tone — an Abuser frightens and humiliates their target while brutalizing anyone in listening distance as collateral damage victims. The chemicals produced in a victim forced to freeze are profoundly destructive to health and psychology.

A victim with the emotional strength to fight back when lied to or about or physically mistreated is likely to end up exhausted physically and emotionally. They are also likely to suffer side effects caused by neurochemicals related to hyper-adrenalization.

Someone spewing insults is as likely to be doing themselves harm by indulging in rage. Bloodlusting causes or caused by a hyper-adrenal flush is what it is — a survival mechanism; the more one turns on that primal instinct and floods the brain with neurochemicals that are related, the less one is likely to be physically able to engage in the use of EQ (namely, emotional intelligence).

Seeking validation from our abusers as well as medical attention from them for our mental health when they are the ones who are inflicting the damage and in need of moral sanity is a ridiculous trauma bonding habit. Stop it.

Acting like if one of our family members, one of our children, or one of our lovers treats us badly that it says anything about us other than we have toxic taste in relationship choices at times is foolish to do from a medical perspective. Social Anxiety born from feeling personally ashamed or embarrassed that someone we know, are blood-related to, or are bound to due to a relationship of affection is a nurtured medical condition that would never exist had people in positions of social power and influence over us during our earliest ages of childhood had not groomed us to feel shame and responsibility for causing or for other people’s behavior.

Caregivers who teach young children that they can do things like disrespect other people and other people’s property do tremendous harm to themselves, to all impacted family members, and to the child under-parented. The stress placed on older siblings, for instance, by a parent who refuses to tell a toddler not to touch or to break other people’s stuff or to tell the child that they cannot be the center of attention at all times in every social setting or situation and on literally everyone that an undisciplined child, an under-parented teen, or a Cluster B adult is enormous socially, medically, and ultimately intellectually.

Children who do things like bite, throw food or toys, or who hit others when they do not get what they want or who throw temper tantrums to effectively control behavior and emotions of any caregivers, collateral damage victims, or parenting adults become adults who do the same thing to their husbands and wives.

The Borderline Personality Disorder tactic to net gain attention, to ensure the person throwing the manipulative fit will not only get what they want but ensure they are never abandoned. Their family and friends and co-workers walk on eggshells. No one thrives physically when predatory, morally insane, dominating behavior is “tolerated”. Tolerating an abuser acting poorly so no one has to stand up to the person is not only passive suicide for the Enabler but it’s passively-aggressively medically assaulting the aggressor.

People enabled to behave badly freeze their own neuropsychology. That means people who enable are actually passively getting even with their Abuser by doing and saying absolutely nothing to prevent that person from harming themselves medically by failing to exercise social skillsets like self-control, self-reflection, and acting with civic respect for everybody.

Toxic people refuse to honor other people’s boundaries. They might esteem other predators and themselves, but when it comes to thinking about victims of their social mistreatment, few if any actually think of “normal” or kind and emotionally intelligent people as humans.

By thinking of targets and rivals as nothing more than disposable objects or livestock they can treat like a commodity, Abusers profoundly dehumanize their targets in their own minds. If they mix animal comparisons with how they refer to their rivals or to preferred scapegoats… ie saying “All men are DOGS!”, she’s just a (female dog used for breeding purposes), or by comparing all people unlike themselves to sheep… the social predator does terrible harm to their own brain anatomy.

How? By freezing or failing to use complex emotions leading to areas of the brain responding to social stimuli as if the tissue is materially physically as well as chemically repressed. But don’t take our word for it. Start checking the science.

Acting in ways that are passive-aggressive is the Cluster B covert social abuse MO. Getting even with someone for doing or saying something the predator does not like is their primary mental fixation. Getting even — a concept that hardly ever (if ever at all) crosses the mind of a high EQ person — causes the predator to cycle. Typically their anxiety coupled with adrenal flush causes them to do things like look older than they actually are by or before they hit just past their prime.

Middle-age and senior years are not friendly to people who live their lives behaving self-indulgently and sabotaging other people. For instance, someone’s blood pressure may elevate in response to a social predator hiding a target’s car keys just before that big day at work or the exam they cannot miss… with the victim and all of the people they let down as a direct result of the social sabotage all having their biology directly or indirectly quite personally harmed.

Every time someone lies or harms another in order to self-promote, they do neurological damage to their own brain in such a way that costs them dearly in life in ways they are medically speaking unlikely to physically ever emotionally to be clinically able to experientially understand. They lose things they never find out exist because their parents refused to actually actively parent.

People who develop personality disorders also develop grandiose authoritarian personality types. They fear monger to groom others to seek out their protection, leaving themselves in a position of authority essentially over no one other than profoundly gaslit, codependent members of their Narcissistic Harem.

Telling people what to do, what to think, and forbidding them from doing any actual thinking for themselves is the most common modus operandi for people who are groomed to aspire to be vertical thinkers. Sadly, those who embrace the groomed Cerebral or Cerebral Somatic Narcissist function are the most likely to become Abusers as well as to be profoundly mistreated in life.

Triangulating other people’s affection is also their thing — people into social competition. Who is wearing what socioeconomic status symbol or in the “in crowd” with them becomes their life and psychological health and healthy neurological function limiting obsession.

Bullies are always the most obvious about who they do or do not choose to treat like a human — as if they somehow have the “right” to make that kind of social, moral, or spiritual assertion. By gaslighting people into seeking their validation, they make themselves into a joke… by pretending to somehow be like collaborative humans.

Knowing how to spot the wolves pretending to be SHEEPDOGS is the fastest way to protect oneself from such individuals in society. It is also a way to guarantee health improvement for yourself and for all of your peers. Narcissistic Abuse in relationships causes stress illnesses to form in Abuser and targets, yes… but knowing that in advance gives people a chance to avoid trauma bonding rituals entirely during their adulthood in order to avoid having a lifetime’s worth of C-PTSD from being accidentally created.

Abusers and their prey all share a desire to be treated like ends instead of means in all forms of society. By holding a predator socially accountable for their actions, people targeted by such predators actually show them respect, medical care, and pro-social attention. By limiting social interaction with people who do things like cause blood pressure to rise, bodies to develop life-threatening illnesses like cancer or heart disease, to suffer from stress-induced strokes, sleep disturbances, emotional fatigue, physical injury to victims using physical forms of social violence, tension headaches, nervous stomach, ulcers, you name it…