Invalidation and narcissism: Why they slowly erase you

Invalidation and narcissism go hand in hand. Ever get the feeling you’re invisible? Like you are entirely worthless and just don’t matter? If yes, you know all too well the obliteration that inevitably comes from narcissistic invalidation. It is the default modus operandi for pathological narcissists, underpinning all forms of abuse, whether physical, psychological, mental, or sexual. The effects are horrendously damaging and disempowering.

Invalidation is used to slowly erase you. After all, when you’ve been emptied of your identity, full compliance to the narcissist’s demands is almost guaranteed. There’s little left to fight with. BUT…the very fact you are reading this now means you are not down and out. You are still fighting for you. And in this battle to reclaim your life from narcissism, raising your awareness of when they are abusing you, sets in motion your release from the nightmare.

Defining validation

As human beings, we have basic needs, to be loved and to belong. These social needs are just as essential as other survival needs like food, shelter, and safety. Connection to others and being accepted is at the core of belonging. And being validated by others is an integral part of having these needs met. So, what is validation?

It is being present and supportive of another’s experience, by acknowledging their thoughts and feelings without attempting to change them. In being validated we feel accepted by others and we also accept ourselves. We feel heard, seen, and understood. In short, we feel valued. Appreciating emotional states of others however hinges on the capacity for empathy.

Invalidation is the product of an absence of empathy, hence being a natural space for the pathological narcissist to operate from. It is the act of purposefully denying, rejecting, minimising, negatively judging, and/or ignoring your expressed experience, thoughts, actions, or emotions. Invalidation can be overt as is typical in aggressive bullying tactics. It can also be covert, subtle & insidious. Gaslighting is a prime example of just how sneaky invalidation can be.

If a resounding ‘yes’ arose for you in feeling invisible and worthless because of the narc’s abuse, you know, from experience, how bereft the absence of validation leaves you, and how very central it is to your survival. Sadly, the vulnerability this causes only amplifies the power of invalidation…which is precisely what the narcissist wants in order to feed their needs.

Conceptualising narcissistic invalidation as supply

Once you understand the disordered thinking driving the narcissist’s invalidation, you can begin depersonalising this very personal attack. Truly you will. By seeing through their mask, in time you develop understanding that their dismantling of you has very little to do with you as a person. Rather, it has everything to do with them as a person. So here we go…

To protect themselves from facing the reality of their true selves, the narcissist creates a mask, their ‘false-selves’, which is all about being beyond reproach. Maintaining their fragile make-believe world depends on reinforcing beliefs held that they are ‘perfect’. Disproving the reality of who they are without the mask, drives their existence. This results in the fixation to constantly source supply. For the narcissist, this is their validation.

Unlike emotionally healthy people however, the pathological narcissist’s version of validation is not contingent on acceptance and understanding. Letting things & people be without the need to change them is not something the narc can do. Rather, validation (and by this I mean validating them, your needs are completely irrelevant to them) is all about controlling and manipulating you into giving them the hit of supply they constantly crave. Because supply is needed for their survival, they will score it at any cost. The hunt for validation is an obsession for the narcissist. This is how it plays out

Narcissistic invalidation in action

Denial Thing is, being perfect is not a thing. You and I know this, but the pathological narcissist cannot accept this. It’s therefore unsurprising that pursuing substantiation of being such a mythical being is fraught with difficulties that cannot be resolved.

To handle these inconveniences, during the genesis of their disorder, the pathological narcissist divided the world into two extremes: the good and the bad. The perfect and the deeply, irrevocably flawed. The black & the white. This need to allocate people, things, and events into one of the two extremes due to the inability to intellectually integrate both negative and positive qualities in the one entity, is referred to as splitting.

Obviously, the pathological narcissist allocates themselves to the all good/perfect category. And those who validate this view are of value to the narc, often idealised. However, anyone who does not support this view is rejected, devalued and assigned the ‘all bad’ label. This stunted and polarised thinking of the pathological narcissist is actually quite simple once decoded (albeit completely illogical and disordered, of course).

It goes like this: to retain beliefs in always being right and superior means that anyone who knowingly or unknowingly challenges these points, must be wrong and inferior. Facts and logic don’t play into it. The ONLY thing that matters is that your thoughts, feelings, and experiences are negated.

Devaluation takes place by invalidating you, which to the disordered mind of the narcissist, validates their elevated status. Unfounded contrariness reaches new heights in the world of the narcissist! And this is the foundation of narcissistic invalidation. In their minds, by denying you, in relation to whatever, means you cannot catch them out on their own denial about who they really are.

Diversionary tactic So, we’ve established the narcissist’s obsession for validation of the false-self, in order to deny the real-self, as the driver of their compulsive behaviours (I know it’s a mouthful!). Thing is, that whilst they madly try to protect themselves from reality, simultaneously, a level of awareness of their truth shadows their existence.

This makes them hyper-sensitive to anything that has the potential to bring this to light. In addition to denying the truth, invalidation is used to exert and maintain control over you. Anytime they feel suspicion you may be sniffing out who they really are, by invalidating you, your attention is diverted to refocus on what’s wrong with you. It works every time until you wise up to their game.

It is so effective because through the abuse, the narcissist has been training you to react emotionally to any triggering that targets your vulnerabilities. The programming is undertaken for the very purpose of derailing you, of diverting you when required. See, in this way they are controlling you by avoiding accountability and silencing any potential threat to their fragile belief system. By voiding you, your experiences, thoughts, and emotions, they make the issue go away. The ultimate red herring! In doing this, they are also erasing all that makes you, you.

Spotting narcissistic invalidation

So, now we’re clear why invalidation and the narcissist go hand in hand, let’s check out examples so you can pause, assess when it’s happening, and learn to detach from their abuse thereby neutralising its impact. The starkest example is the cycle of narcissistic abuse where the narcissist displays great awareness of how to intentionally apply validation, and it’s opposite, to manipulate you.

During idealisation when you were love bombed to hook you into being a reliable source of supply, it was ALL about validating you. To successfully reel you into the relationship the narc was hyper focused on making you feel acknowledged, valued, listened to, cared for, accepted, and understood. Enter devaluation and discard, and the flip has taken place. Validation, no longer needed once you are hooked, is ditched. Invalidation becomes the norm to break down your strength and identity so that you remain dependent and compliant as a source of supply. Now you face relentless:

Arguments about seemingly everything you express citing that you are illogical, your view is groundless and invalid, perhaps even crazy irrespective of facts

Rejection, dismissiveness, and/or your needs, thoughts, and emotions are ignored

Judgements that you are being defective in some way

In each of these scenarios you can see how denial and diversion are at work. The inference in all of these are that you are wrong, and they are right. That you are flawed and of no worth to them. Drilling down further, you know these tactics are being used when you hear things like:

You shouldn’t feel that way

You’re over-reacting/too sensitive

You take things too seriously

You’re wrong, that isn’t how you feel, this is how you feel…

You have no right to feel that way

I never said that/that never happened/it’s all in your head

It wasn’t that bad/it could be worse

You have things so much better than others

You should be grateful for everything I do for you

Nobody else agrees with you/has a problem with it

There’s something wrong with you/you’ve got big problems/you’re crazy

Get over it already

I’m not going to talk to you about this

Conversely…you could hear nothing at all. Crickets. Body language, and silence however, are just as potent in negating your worth, arguably more so than carefully selected poisoned words.

When we internalise it

Ultimately, narcissistic invalidation serves to convey that your value exists only within the context of the narc’s own needs. Any incompatibility with this is not permitted. Devastatingly, the invalidation you are punished with conditions you to comply by suppressing all that makes you, you.

When your own needs, thoughts, experiences, and emotions are voided to be replaced by those of the narc, you have effectively been erased. Know that even if you feel somewhat transparent already, you can reclaim all that is you. Keep up the fight for yourself. The world needs you in it. You need you in it.

3 Effects of Narcissistic Parenting on Minor Children

TRAUMA IS THE WORD most commonly associated with extreme narcissism – and with good reason. People who have been targeted for narcissistic abuse often scoff when the pathology is described as shame based because they are distracted by the spectacle of the narcissistic person’s formidable defenses. But in reality, narcissistic personality disorder is a post-traumatic stress adaptation. It is usually developed to resolve intense feelings of inferiority and shame often connected with psychological devastation.

Extreme narcissism is a kind of scar tissue that develops to protect unhealed trauma. It numbs, hardens, and desensitizes the mind, eventually severing consciousness from feelings of incessant vulnerability, fear, and hyper-vigilance. It restricts the ability to genuinely bond with others, making empathy an elusive prospect. The deeper the trauma, the more narcissistic people disconnect from their emotions to cope. The overarching feelings of inferiority and shame become submerged in the subconscious mind. There, a false self is generated to serve as a bulwark to keep unbearable, vulnerable emotions at bay. The words narcissist and narcotic originate from the Greek narkao which means “I numb myself”.

Early life wounds fuel the adult fury boiling under the surface of this personality type. It’s what drives the explosive narcissistic rage that detonates with every real or perceived threat to their cherished false self. It feeds their obsessive need for control and it can blind them to the fact that they perpetuate the very trauma that wounded them on others, especially their children.

3 Effects of Narcissistic Parenting on Minor Children

Research shows that children who witness narcissistic abuse suffer the same degree of harm as the parent who is the primary target for the narcissist’s aggression.

Children who witness or experience narcissistic abuse are at risk for long-term physical and mental health consequences.

Some children who witness narcissistic abuse may have an increased propensity to act out the same violence in their own relationships.

“Children learn first and foremost by what they see and what they observe.” explains Clinical Psychologist and parent-child attachment specialist Dr. Michael Kinsey, “There are going to be lasting impacts of trauma in a context where there is emotional and physical abuse.There are things people can do to buffer against the permanent arresting of development that can happen as a result of witnessing or seeing that type of abuse.”

Causes of Parent-Child Estrangement in Narcissistic Abuse with Dr. Michael Kinsey

ONE OF THE MOST DEVASTATING aspects of narcissistic abuse in families is that it often leads to estrangement between the recipient of the abuse and their children. To orchestrate parent-child estrangement, narcissists use a manipulation tactic called triangulation. One of the reasons why extreme narcissism is so malignant is because a narcissistic person is prone to objectifying others and, therefore, has no qualms about weaponizing their children in order to exercise abusive power and control over the other parent.

Narcissistic abuse is most effective when the targeted person is isolated, so they excise external influences from the targeted person’s environment that threaten to disturb the narcissist’s narrative. In this way, the perpetrator of the abuse is able to control the targeted person’s perspective and shape the way the individual sees themselves, the narcissist, and the world around them.

In extreme cases of domestic violence, narcissistic triangulation can result in child-to-parent violence with the child mimicking the narcissist’s aggression toward the recipient of the abuse. This shocking behavior is devastating to the targeted parent, who cannot understand why their beloved child is unable to empathize with them or how their children rationalize enabling and sometimes participating in the abuse.

1. Narcissists See The World Through A Binary Lens

An important factor in understanding the behavior of children in the context of parent-child estrangement is the awareness that narcissists view the world around them through a binary lens. Dr. Kinsey explains:

“The context that I would give people who are estranged from their children or who are caught up in the narcissist’s version of reality [is] to understand is the nature of the narcissist’s defensive structure. The world to a narcissist is divided into good and bad and the narcissist distances himself or herself from the bad as much as possible. There is intense profound disgust for the bad and the bad always has to be outside of the narcissistic personality and that means that there are scapegoats, demons, devils, and people who are completely unworthy of association.”

2. Children Often Identify With The Same Sex Parent

Another aspects as to why parent-child estrangement can occur is because the identity of the child may be in lockstep with the narcissistic parent due to social influences, such as gender.

“An identification often develops, especially with the same-sex parent,” says Dr. Kinsey, addressing why some children who grow up the the dysfunction of narcissistic family dynamics may be unwilling to empathize with the recipient of the abuse, “If the same-sex parent is a narcissist then there is a tendency to emulate that way of dealing with problems, difficulties, and emotions. so, functionally, what this means is the bad that exists in everyone and especially exists in the narcissist is displaced or it’s placed into the other parent. Usually, these are things like vulnerability, weakness, and unworthiness can be disowned in that way”.

3. The Child Prioritizes Their Survival In Power Holder’s Social Circle

Another social aspect of the equation that could impact the child’s behavior is their survival instinct.

“Being within the narcissist-child dyad is, obviously, a very coveted place. You know with both of our parents there is such a deep need to be loved and accepted,” according to Dr. Kinsey, “If a child is forced to choose, they might choose the person that they feel they are most like or they’ll also choose the person who they feel is safer or who they feel is the more desirable one to follow. In the case of the kind of scenario you’re discussing, it’s really a matter of survival. Being in the “in-group” of the narcissist is so essential to survival.”

Final thoughts

If you have been targeted for narcissistic triangulation and are estranged from your child, remember that you are not alone. Up to 45% of domestic violence survivors are targeted for this strain of post-separation abusive power and control. As distressing as the situation is, bear in mind that your children are secondary victims to intimate partner violence. Focus on what you can influence and practice radical acceptance of the things you cannot control. Recognize that the aim of narcissistic tribulation between a parent and this child is to psychologically destabilize you, so it is especially important to practice emotional hygiene.

How Long Will a Narcissist Rebound Relationship Last?

The question of how long will a narcissist rebound relationship last is largely dependent on what the next person can offer the narcissist for them to profit from. Everything in a narcissist’s world always boils down to one thing – narcissistic supply. If the new person simply offers them a short-term source of attention, sex and accommodation, the narcissist will utilise them while looking for more supply on the side. So, let’s explore what constitutes a rebound relationship and how it translates into the world of a narcissist.

What is a Rebound Relationship?

To explore a narcissist rebound relationship, first let’s explore what comprises a regular rebound.

Rebound Relationship

A rebound relationship is when someone moves into a new relationship before emotionally moving on and healing from their last one. It’s basically a reaction to their previous relationship. People often jump into, or find themselves in new relationships really quickly after a break-up with their last partner. A major reason for moving so fast is to distract themselves from the pain of the break-up.

Why do people get into rebound relationships?

To escape the feelings of loneliness

To seek validation that they are worthy and wanted

To fill a cultural or societal expectation that they need to be partnered

To feel ‘alive’ again

To feel safe and secure

For financial or material reasons

Moving into a new relationship too quickly, before giving yourself the chance to process and heal from the last one can be to your own detriment. It can cause you to get stuck in the same old cycle with someone new and not actually grow as a soul.

Why it’s important to heal after a break-up

As human beings, what the vast majority of us all seek from relationships can be broken down into just a few main aspects.

Unconditional love

Security

Approval

Validation

We all come into this world seeking unconditional love, security, approval and validation from our outside world (our caregivers). Unfortunately, due to deep ancestral and conditional traumas, many of our parents were not able to provide some or all of those things to us. So, we grow into adults who head out into the world searching for the very things that were missing for us as children. These are the very things that we seek in our relationships. However, there’s one fundamental flaw with this unconscious strategy. When we are constantly looking for other people to fill our own personal gaps, it means we are consistently handing our power over to others. The danger here is that energy vampires (like narcissists) love people who walk around handing their power over to everyone else. The truth is, an endless abundance of self-love, self-approval, self-validation and self-security can only ever be found within.

When we take all the time that is necessary after a break-up to really go inside of ourselves, we can begin the journey back home. This is the true place to find all of the things that have been missing our whole lives. It’s a process of actually embracing the loneliness and triggers so that you can access your deepest wounds and release them from your body forever. And actually, there is no time limit on how long that process takes for you. I’m one-and-a-half years in and still going (there’s a lot of trauma to shift!). So, the idea of a rebound relationship actually makes me want to crawl into a hole, because I know I’m not yet ready to have someone else in my world.

Then, once you’ve done all of the healing, growing and learning that you were destined to do from the previous relationship, you’ll know when you’re ready to open up to the possibility of a new relationship. Not because you’re running from yourself or looking for a distraction to fill a void, but because you’ve done the work. Once you’ve truly healed and become your own source of love, validation, security and approval, never again will you hand your power away to someone else in the hopes of them giving you those things. That’s precisely what our souls signed up for when we took on this Earth journey. It’s always about soul growth and learning to become completely sovereign beings.

Can a rebound relationship last?

Not all rebound relationships come to a crashing end within the month, however many of them can do. You see, rebound relationships are not built on the same solid foundation that non-rebound relationships tend to be. When one or both parties is still ruminating over their ex and not able to be fully present, it makes it hard to build a relationship together moving forward into the future. Experts say that a rebound relationship will usually last anywhere from 1 – 12 months, with it being lucky to expand past the initial excitement of the ‘honeymoon’ phase. That’s not to say that the relationship can’t grow beyond the rebound stage. If both parties have a mutual respect and care towards each other, it can definitely evolve into a loving, supportive and healthy relationship.

Narcissist Rebound Relationship

Now that we understand what a rebound relationship is all about, let’s explore the narcissist rebound relationship. There are actually two different ways you can look at this. Either every narcissist relationship is a rebound, or, narcissist rebound relationships don’t actually exist.

THEORY 1: Every Narcissist Relationship is a Rebound

The very nature of narcissism means that they refuse to acknowledge any flawed aspects of themselves, which effectively makes healing an impossibility. Through childhood trauma, the narcissist made the unconscious choice a long time ago, to sever the connection with their True Self. You see, it was the existence of their True Self, which was responsible for them having to feel their inner wounding of rejection, abandonment and self-loathing. So, instead of acknowledging and feeling those things, they actually amputated the part of themselves that was making them go there. Without having access to their True Self, the narcissist is now left with zero capacity (or desire) to grow on a soul level. They no longer have the resources required to be able to look within, be accountable for their part in the break-down of the relationship and heal. Narcissists will bounce from one relationship to the next, without learning any lessons from their previous relationships, other than how to manipulate harder next time. They have no interest in taking the time to mend their wounds, so from that perspective, they could all be classed as rebound relationships.

Reasons we could view all narcissist relationships as rebounds:

They are never healed as they move into a new relationship

They’re often still focussed on ‘winning’ against their ex

They’re often still using their ex for narcissistic supply

They haven’t let go of their ex, because they view them as an item that they ‘own’

Many narcissists can go into new relationships with definite hang-ups about their ex. But it’s not because they miss their ex or loved them in any capacity. In fact, they view their exes as items in which they own. To the narcissist, their ex was purely a tool that they could use for energy and resources, in order to prop up their false self. If a narcissist has ‘owned’ you once, they believe that they own you forever. They do not like to share their ‘toys,’ therefore they expect you to be sitting around pining for them and providing them with supply whenever they put their hand out for it. In addition, the narcissist will always view themselves as a complete victim at the hands of their ex, even though they were the abusive one. They will feel completely entitled to all of physical goodies from their ex, including cash, material items, property and child custody, just to name a few. The narcissist can most definitely bring a tonne of baggage into their new relationship, especially if they’re still fighting with their ex or going through a divorce.

Not only that, they’ll be actively smearing their exes name to all and sundry, while painting themselves to be the angel who did no wrong. If you discarded the narcissist, they must completely devalue you, then flip the script around to a place where they were the ones to have actioned the discard. This is the only way their ego can control the storyline, which says that they are superior, while you are inferior. It’s a reaction to avoiding the pain of rejection, while creating (in their false reality) that you were worthless to them. Does that sound like someone who’s completely moved on from their past relationship and is ready to healthily move forward with someone new? No way! As if all of that isn’t enough, the narcissist will quite often still be using their ex for supply. They might be hoovering their ex in order to keep them on the hook, just in case the rebound relationship doesn’t work out.

Another tactic is to use social media and flying monkeys to intentionally trigger their ex, in order to extract heavily charged emotions from them. All of these things feed them narcissistic supply (even if they never see them). Their exes energy and attention makes them feel so incredibly significant, that they can extract life force energy from them remotely. All of this evidence leads me to the next perspective, which is that the narcissist rebound relationship doesn’t actually exist. Given that the narcissist is a fractured soul who enters every relationship unhealed and still hung up on extracting energy from their ex, you could surmise that every narcissist relationship is a rebound.

THEORY 2: The Narcissist Rebound Relationship Doesn’t Exist

It could be said that no relationship with a narcissist is a rebound because they are missing the vital piece that allows them to get emotionally attached. Meaning, that they literally never need to genuinely grieve from a relationship in the same way that an emotionally adept person does. You see, without their True Self playing any role in their existence, the narcissist is now left with pure ego running the show. For the ego to protect itself from the truth (that they are just as flawed as the rest of us), it created a False Self. This False Self doesn’t have the ability to see themselves as both good and bad, so it has chosen superiority and entitlement as its false reality. The problem is, the upkeep of their false reality requires constant validation from other people, affirming for them that their illusion is in fact ‘real.’ Without this consistent stream of approval, their whole false illusion and the survival of their ego would completely crumble. They would be stripped back to being the scared little child, which is truly what lies deep within the narcissist. However, they absolutely refuse to accept that part of themselves, which is why they discarded it long ago.

You can see how precarious of an existence the narcissist lives in 24-7. They need to be constantly feeding their false illusion, just to make sure that it’s ever-present and always ‘real’ for them. The narcissist needs people around them to be continuously saying, “yes, you’re absolutely right!” no matter how absurd and ridiculous the words are that are coming out of their mouth. The single most important thing that the narcissist requires from others for the feeding of their false reality is attention. Good or bad attention, it really doesn’t matter. It’s through this attention that the narcissist is able to feel extremely superior and significant, which feeds their illusion of grandiosity. When the narcissist cut off their True Self and left their ego to dictate their world, they effectively made themselves a drug addict. Life force energy (narcissistic supply) is now the drug they need to feed upon, in order to keep their psychological state of being intact.

A ‘relationship’ with a narcissist is actually more like a vampire disguising themselves as a regular human, so that they can drain you of your life force energy. At the end of the day, a narcissist doesn’t go into a relationship for love, mutual respect and to build an emotional bond with someone else. They enter a relationship with only one goal in mind – to extract energy and resources from the other person. This life force energy can come to them in many ways, but it always comes down to getting attention from their partner and other people, which feeds their false self. So, we can surmise that no relationship with a narcissist is a rebound because to them it is never truly a relationship in the first place. It’s only ever about what they can get out of it. Narcissists are incapable of engaging in healthy relationships because they are a conscienceless being. They lack the resources to experience empathy, compassion, kindness and love. For a narcissist, the relationship was only ever a tool to gain resources and energy for themselves. It was never a true relationship because it lacked the fundamental elements, such as love, emotional attachment, respect and teamwork.

How Long Will a Narcissist Rebound Relationship Last?

When pondering how long will a narcissist rebound relationship last, it’s really no different to looking at the expected length of any narc relationship. It all depends entirely on what the new supply can provide for the narcissist (without them ever realising that that’s all they are to them). A common misconception is that narcissists change their relationships as often as they change their underwear, however that’s not always the case. Grandiose narcissists can most definitely get bored quickly and want to switch out their supply regularly, to keep their lives extravagant and exciting. They’ll love bomb with fancy dinners, flowers, over-the-top dates and other great shows of luxury – all designed to reiterate how amazing they are.

However, covert narcissists are much less confident in their ability to get such a steady stream of supply. The covert variety want to hook their supply in and hang onto them forever. Their love bombing looks entirely different to the grandiose kind. You can expect a covert narcissist to love bomb with (false) compassion and empathy, sharing their vulnerabilities (i.e. playing the poor victim) and fake modesty. You’d never even know that you’re canoodling with a narcissist… until it’s too late and they’ve already implemented a trauma bond. Ultimately, the narcissist rebound relationship will last as long as the narc is getting supply from the new person. Or, until the new person gets a glimpse of who they really are behind the mask and they choose to walk away. There are loads of ways narcissists can extract supply from their new partner. Remember, it all comes down to attention, which makes them feel extremely important and above all others.

Here’s how narcissists gains supply:

Admiration and compliments

Arguments and creating drama

Fame and infamy

Being in complete control

Sex

Having the ‘perfect’ image (partner/ house/ job etc.)

Appearing successful

Financial security (even if it’s fabricated)

Acquiring material items

If the new supply can provide any of the above things for the narcissist, they’ll want to keep them on the hook. In fact, the narcissist may have multiple people (sources of supply) on the go all at once, just to make sure they’ve got a good abundance of their drug. An interesting anomaly that I’ve witness is where narcissists tend to go for younger people as they themselves get older. I believe this is because younger partners are less worldly, less in tune with themselves and therefore more likely to fall prey to the narcissist’s manipulations.

A narcissist rebound relationship will last either:

As long as the narcissist is receiving valuable narcissistic supply, or…

Until the new supply sees through the narcissist’s false charade

Will the Narcissist Treat the New Person Better than Me?

Although social media may boast that the narcissist is treating their new person better than they ever treated you, I can tell you that it’s completely bogus! What the narcissist is actually aiming to achieve, by flaunting their new supply publicly, is twofold. First they need validation from the outside world that they are so amazing and successful to have found ‘happiness’ so quickly. Second, your emotional reactions caused from the pain of seeing them move on so quickly, grants them an incredible amount of narcissistic supply. Even if you never see the narcissist, on a psychic level, any attention you give them, feeds them more life force energy. And if they do have the pleasure of seeing you in pain, their god-like image of themselves will feel all the more superior and special, given that they are able to cause you so much anguish.

The narcissist thinks, “man, I must be so incredibly powerful to get such a huge reaction out of my ex. That’s how significant and superior I am.” However, once it’s all said and done, the narcissist is still a narcissist. They can put on a good show (as we well know), but a wolf can never be a sheep. If anything, the narcissist has actually learnt how to lie better and manipulate harder with the next person. Narcissists typically get worse with age, because as their looks, money, resources and false charm fade, their ability to swindle new supply dwindles. Then you’re left staring at who they truly are underneath it all. A dark, resentful, seething and angry person who utterly despises themselves and everyone around them. Count yourself lucky for escaping the narcissist and having the chance to heal and grow into who you were always meant to be during this Earth journey!

How a Narcissist Treats You When You’re Sick

A common complaint among the difficult personality relationships is how a narcissist treats you when you’re sick. Let’s be honest, when you’re in a tight relationship with someone, whether it be an intimate partner, parent or child, you kind of assume it’s “in sickness and in health,” right? Nope, not when it comes to a narcissist. How a narcissist treats you when you’re sick is through the only lens they’ve got, one of pure selfishness. In short, you can count on the fact that they won’t give a damn. Narcissists are extremely self-centred and ultimately, your sickness is your problem, not theirs.

How they actually treat you can range from ignoring you and bailing, to devaluing your sickness and any symptoms you might be experiencing. In some cases, they may even put on a public show of being the ‘perfect support person,’ just to gain supply from your sickness, without actually being there for you at all. Let’s explore how a narcissist treats you when you’re sick, covering six common tactics they employ.

Narcissists won’t give you empathy when you’re sick

Readers Example; It was a hot summer’s day and my partner and I had planned to get stuck into the yard work. At some point throughout the morning though, I started to get some cramping in my lower abdomen. My period was due, but it was very late, which was unusual for me. So, I figured that’s what was causing the cramping. Then the pain hit me hard and fast. I was lying on the bed with excruciating period pain, which was coming in waves, much like contractions. I’d had this pain in the past on some occasions, but never to this severity. All I could do was lie there and breath my way through it. I was thinking, “I wish I’d had time to get a hot water bottle first.” To be honest, I just didn’t feel right. I was wondering if it was possible for me to be having a very early pregnancy loss. Then my partner came in to see where I was, because he’d already started in the yard. He saw me lying on the bed and I explained what was happening. He reacted with such a complete lack of empathy and compassion, I was totally gobsmacked. “Fucking hell. You’ll do anything to get out of the yard work. No, you’re right, I’ll do all of the work,” then went back outside and left me lying there feeling ashamed and guilty as hell. I can still remember being curled up on the bed, sobbing quietly. Between the waves of physical pain, I was feeling all of the emotional pain of a partner who literally could not care less about me. I was completely discarded in a time of need. He’d made it abundantly clear that I would get nothing from him, so I definitely didn’t ask him to heat me a hot water bottle. Not to mention that I certainly couldn’t talk to him later about my concerns over possibly having a pregnancy.

Being in a relationship with a narcissist is an extremely lonely experience.

To this day I still don’t know if it was a pregnancy loss, or just a very intense period. Either way, I’m so damn grateful to have not brought another child into the world with a narcissistic father.

Narcissists will invalidate you when you’re sick

An extremely common trait of how a narcissist treats you when you’re sick is to completely invalidate you. Using the example above, not only did the narcissist show zero empathy, he totally invalidated her experience. The invalidation was executed by belittling her and twisting the situation around to throw her in the light of being ‘selfish’ for being in pain and not being outside helping him with the yard work. Remember, everything must be about the narcissist, not you.

Common narcissistic invalidation terms:

“You’re such a sook.”

“Toughen up.”

“What’s your problem?”

“Get over it already.”

“If you weren’t so overweight/ unfit/ weak you wouldn’t be sick.”

“There’s always something wrong with you, isn’t there.”

Narcissists will disappear when you’re sick

To a narcissist, you are merely a source of energy. Whether that comes in the form of validation (praise, laughing at their jokes and going along with their antics) or doing things for them. If you’re sick, you literally serve no purpose to the narcissist. You’re basically a broken toy that gets thrown to the corner so that they can go find another exciting toy to play with. Not to mention, how dare you take the focus off them! In other words, how dare you take your energetic supply away from them. The narcissist will treat you with utter contempt if they do have to stick around and care for you. Honestly, you’re better off if they do disappear, as hurtful as that is. Another reason that a narcissist may disappear when you’re ill is because image is everything to them. If you being sick brings down how they look in their world or makes them look weak, they won’t want to have anything to do with you.

Narcissists will still expect you to wait on them, even when you’re sick

Don’t be under any false illusions that just because you’re sick, you get the day off from being at the beck and call of the narcissist. You must still wait on the narcissist hand and foot, even when you’re sick. After all, being sick is your inconvenience, not theirs. Why should that stop you from being their ever-loyal servant? I’ve witnessed many times, in a family relationship between a codependent husband and narcissistic wife, where this exact scenario played out time and time again. The covert narcissist forever had something ‘wrong’ with her, which consistently kept her in the victim role. The husband had completely been programmed to always ‘feel sorry for her’ and pander to her ailments. She had him running around after him like a servant. Heaven forbid he ever (even jokingly) questioned her, she would turn very vicious and just like that, he’d be back in line.

So, you can only imagine that when he was sick, the dynamics were so set it stone that the husband would still be the one running after the wife. The storyline had been painted so that her illness always superseded his, no matter what. There was a very rare occasion where the husband was bed-bound and extremely unwell. During this time, the covert narcissistic wife was absolutely beside herself. Not because she genuinely cared for her husband’s health, but because she recognised how much she was set to lose if he wasn’t around anymore to be her servant. Deep inside, she had extremely low self-worth and knew that without her husband, she’d be left with no supply. By that late stage in her life, it’d be much harder to find a replacement.

Narcissists will use your illness to gain supply for themselves

On some occasions, how a narcissist treats you when you’re sick may appear to be caring… at least in the presence of other people. You see, if the narcissist can gain sympathy and energy from others due to your illness, they’ll soak it up like there’s no tomorrow! The game here is that they need to appear to be the ‘loving support person’ of someone who’s suffering, so that people will either feel sorry for them, or peg them as a hero. This may come in social media posts, which paint the narcissist as a champion for all that they do for you (even though you know that it’s false).

Example of a social media post where the narcissist can use your illness to their advantage:

“Sarah is back in hospital again. I’m so exhausted between being there for her, as well as taking care of the kids, plus having to fit in work so that we can afford all of the medications. But it’s all good, as long as Sarah gets better.”

Notice in the above example how the narc has made his sick partner’s hospital visit all about himself. There’s not even a mention of how the sick person is actually doing. You can only imagine all of the comments of concern and validation they’ll get from their friends and family – “you’re doing such an amazing job, you’re such a superstar!” Another way that narcissists use your sickness to their own advantage is by using it to get days off work. They’ll pour out the sob story to their boss and claim that they need to be at home to care for you (or to take care of the kids). You’ll find out soon enough that they really don’t do much at all in the way of caring for you, it was merely an excuse to take a ‘sickie’ for themselves.

Narcissists will use your sickness to reinforce that they are the important ones, not you

The dynamics in a narcissistic relationship dictate that the narcissist is really the only important one, therefore making everyone else much less important, or not important at all. This is reinforced by gaslightning the other party in the relationship to basically make sure that they know their place and will comply with the narcissist. By squashing their victim’s self-worth, they are much less likely to rise up and call out the narcissist on their bullshit. As you can imagine, implementing these tactics of devaluing and messing with one’s reality can be much easier when someone is sick, as they are already in a position of vulnerability.

Let’s take a look at the words the partner used at the top of this article, when she was lying on the bed in pain and he was angry and slighted that she wasn’t outside helping him in the backyard.

“You’ll do anything to get out of the yard work, won’t you. No, you’re right, I’ll do all of the work.”

Even in a moment of physical pain for her, the narcissistic ex was incapable of feeling a scrap of empathy. As far as he was concerned, the yard work needed to be done so that he could resume kicking back on the couch, but he didn’t actually want to have to do the work. So, he used that moment of weakness to show that she was not worthy of his time, sympathy or attention. He was basically reinforcing that he was the most important person in the relationship and that she did not matter.

When the person who’s supposed to love you literally gives zero concern when you’re sick, that is not love. However, when a narcissist is sick, that’s a completely different scenario.

Narcissists and Pets – Can They Truly Love Them?

Have you ever wondered how narcissists and pets fit together? It’s a very interesting topic and while each individual situation is different, the common thread is always the same. From the loving moments of seeming adoration, to complete and utter contempt. Narcissists can be wonderful and horrendous towards their pets all in the same breath. Which begs the question, do narcissists love their pets? Do they genuinely care about them and can they make good pet owners?

As with anything narcissism, owning a pet is all about what the pet provides for the narcissist, not the other way around.“But I’ve seen narcissists treat their dogs like kings,” I hear you say! Yes, that is true, narcissists can treat their pets amazingly well, however if there wasn’t anything in it for the narc, they wouldn’t do so. Interestingly, many of the tactics discussed here are often used with children as well, especially when you’re dealing with separation, divorce and custody issues.

Narcissists and Pets

How Do Narcissists Treat their Pets?

It’s important to understand that narcissists do not even view people as independent, sovereign beings with their own needs, wants and desires. So, it just makes sense that they cannot view their pets in that way either. To a narcissist, their pets are mere extensions of themselves. Some narcissistic pet owners treat their pets like prized possessions, just like they would their shiny sports car. Since the pet is a direct reflection of them, they must make sure that the world views their pet as superior (just like they view themselves). Narcissists must control everything in their world and their pet is no exception. Their pets are there to serve them and if they fail to stack up to the narcissist’s ridiculous expectations, the narc will either punish them or completely discard them.

Narcissists treat their pets as items, in which they own. Therefore, if the pet makes a mess or misbehaves, the narcissist can fly into a rage, going from 0-100 in a matter of seconds. In their warped version of reality, the pet has now intentionally set out to make them look bad or piss them off, which must not go unpunished. How dare they! To put it another way, the pet’s negative behaviour will generate a narcissistic injury, meaning that a deep insecurity within the narcissist is triggered. However, the narcissist refuses to acknowledge the existence of that insecurity, so they immediately project their feeling onto the pet. In other words, the narcissist will perceive it as a personal attack, which the ego will not tolerate.

For example, let’s say the narcissist’s dog is pent up in a tiny yard for twelve hours a day, bored out of its brain. So, the dog pulls some of the washing off the line and spends the day playing with it. Rather than the narcissist looking at themselves as to why the pet may have acted that way, they immediately project their inner critic onto the dog. To them, it’s the dog’s fault for making them feel a millisecond of guilt around the dog’s boredom, therefore the dog is lined up by the ego and attacked as a way of eliminating that extremely uncomfortable feeling.

A pet is merely another prop for the narcissist to use in order to gain supply and keep their public facade in place.



Do Narcissists Love Their Pets?

People can only meet others as deeply as they’ve met themselves. Narcissists are so incredibly self-avoidant that they utterly refuse to meet themselves. On top of that, the narcissist denied the existence of their True Self years ago, because that aspect of themselves was seen as weak and vulnerable. When they severed that connection, they also eliminated the very things from their consciousness that make us inherently human. Feelings such as empathy, compassion, kindness, authenticity and unconditional love have all gone.

The narcissist does not have the resources or desire to ever truly experience love in this lifetime. To them ‘love’ is that good feeling when they get a hit of supply in the form of control, adoration or attention. They see love as what they get from others, rather than being a wholehearted experience of giving and receiving from true authenticity. So, in short, no, narcissists do not love their pets. Narcissists do not love anything or anyone, therefore they don’t have the capacity to feel love for their pets.

What the narcissist actually means when they say, “I love my pet:”

“I love how good this pet makes me look.”

“I love how much my pet loves me.”

“I love being able to have complete and utter control over my pet.”

“I love how my pet adores me, no matter how I treat it.”

“I love that my pet doesn’t talk back to me.”

“I love that my pet accepts my version of events without question.”

Narcissists ‘love’ what the pet gives to them. It’s not a two-way street.



Do Narcissists Prefer Dogs or Cats?

Combining my own observations of narcissists and pets over the years, as well as what we now understand about narcissism, dogs are clearly much more preferred. That’s not to say narcissists can’t own cats, there are certainly some who do, but most narcissist pet owners have dogs. You see, dogs are the ultimate servant to any master. All they do is love, no matter how they get treated or what scraps they get thrown. Dogs will be eagerly awaiting the narcissist’s arrival at the end of each day, hoping for any affection they can get. If the dog is cruelly punished for misbehaviour, the dog will cower underneath the narcissist’s power and do anything to get back into their master’s good graces.

Cats on the other hand are extremely independent. They do not follow their master around, like a good, loyal servant. In fact cats are likely to ignore their owners, which does not bode well with a narcissist. Cats are off doing their own thing all day until they want some food, then they’ll wander in and request a meal. In fact, to be considered in the world of a cat, you must bow to them. As we know, narcissists see themselves as the most important and certainly will not bow to a mere pet. It must be the other way around as the narcissist believes that they are the ones to be revered at all times.

Narcissists prefer dogs, since they are easy to control and willingly supply the narcissist with undivided attention, asking for very little in return.

Cats are independent of the narcissist, meaning that they cannot be controlled, which the narc hates. Nor do cats offer constant adoration.



Can Narcissists Be Good Pet Owners?

Narcissists can be amazing pet owners, dependent on how they see their pet and what’s in it for them. However they can also be extremely cruel pet owners as well. If their pet is merely the mongrel out the back for them to kick around and assert control over, then no, the narcissist will be an horrendous pet owner. They will be outright abusive and think that they have every right to be. After all, they ‘own’ the pet, therefore they can do whatever they want to it. Alternatively, if the pet is the narcissist’s object of grandeur, then it’s a totally different story. This type of pet makes them look stunning and grants them lots of attention, admiration and narcissistic supply, so the narc is a fantastic pet owner.

They will treat their grandiose pet no different to an expensive car or piece of property. Being well-dressed, getting groomed every week and dining on the best food is how that pet can expect to be treated. It’s not that they truly love their pet, but because the pet is seen as an extension of themselves, the pet must appear exceptional, in turn making the narcissist look and feel superior. But don’t be mistaken, the grandiose pet is held to incredibly high expectations. Since it’s being used as a tool to uphold a certain appearance, the pet is expected to be behaviourally and aesthetically perfect at all times or else punishment with ensue.

Narcissists can treat their pets like royalty or less than the dirt underneath their shoe – it all depends on what’s in it for the narcissist.

Narcissists Use Pets as an Unconditional Love Source (Supply)

Narcissists are ruled by their ego’s false self, which demands constant attention and adoration. The more their ego gets fed, the higher (and better) the narcissist feels. Without that inflated false self, they are left to sink deep inside themselves and therein lies the empty, dark black hole, which is all that’s left. The narcissist unconsciously amputated access to their true divine self a long time ago and with that, they removed the capacity to feel anything remotely close to unconditional love. So, while the narcissist is incapable of giving unconditional love to any other living creature, they demand that very love from those around them. However, everything that they receive is merely absorbed as narcissistic supply, it’s not actually felt as love. A narcissist does not have the resources to experience real love, so to them, ‘love’ is when they get a hit of their favourite drug (life force energy), which makes them temporarily feel good. Dogs in particular offer a limitless source of unconditional love and attention, all directed towards the narcissist. On top of that, dogs expect almost nothing in return. What a perfect energetic transaction for the narcissist!

The narcissist uses the pet for the unconditional love that the pet offers, which feeds the narcissist with life force energy.

The pet doesn’t demand ‘love’ in return like a human would, therefore the narcissist can enjoy the relationship whereby they do all of the taking and the pet does all of the giving.



Narcissists Acquire Pets to Boost their Status

Narcissists are obsessed with appearances and status, because those two things directly funnel in narcissistic supply from the outside world. Many narcissists are likely to view particular breeds of dogs as status symbols, depending on what facade their ego is going for. It could be a Pit Bull, because that makes the narc look ‘tough,’ feeding their notorious image. Or they may go all out with a French Bulldog, because they’re expensive, directly showcasing that the narcissist must be well-off to even own one. Having a dog is also another one of those life milestone boxes to tick. Many narcissists will get a dog just to be acquiring the next item, which deems them ‘successful’ in life, much like a house, family, annual vacation and two cars in the driveway.

Narcissists often use pets as status symbols in order to puff up their egos and appear successful in life.



Narcissists Use Pets to Pick Up New Supply

Yep, narcissists will often use pets as a way of finding new supply. Let’s step into the shoes of the narc for a hot minute. Taking the dog for a walk shows potential dating stock that they’re a responsible and caring adult, tending to their beloved pet’s needs. It also gives the vibe that they’re fit, health conscious and an outdoorsy type. Think about it, what better way to start up conversation with a random stranger, who’ve they’ve set their crosshairs on, then by chatting over funny dog antics. Before you know it they’re heading off for a coffee and the love bombing can begin before the sun sets!

Narcissists often use pets as a tool to look caring and responsible. Pets offer a great excuse to start up conversation with potential new supply.



Narcissists Use Animals in Order to Appear Altruistic

It can be common for some narcissists to be ‘animal lovers,’ which may leave you scratching your head as to whether or not this person truly is a narcissist or not. Altruistic narcissists are in the business of doing good deeds for others with the full expectation that they will get heavy validation in return. They will even get extremely resentful for having to do the good deeds (which they actually despise), even though they willingly offered. This is particularly the case if they don’t feel as though they’ve received enough validation (supply) for the good deed. These are the narcissists who will put up social media posts, tooting their own horn with how “helpful” they’ve been. Maybe they volunteer at the local animal shelter or they foster animals. In return they are needing all of their minions to express how wonderful they are. “Gosh you’re amazing! I don’t know how you do it all. Where would we be without you?”

The altruistic narc animal lover will also use their knowledge and ‘care’ to build a superior status. They’ll think that they are the biggest expert on the topic and that they’re the most special because of all the work they do. They believe that they’re well within their rights to boss other people around and tell them how things should be done in the field and even publicly smear people who question them or go against their agenda. The whole point for the ‘animal-loving narcissist’ is to appear kind, compassionate and generous, so as to get the narcissistic supply generated from that attention and status. We well know that narcissists have no capacity to genuinely be kind or compassionate, nor are they generous without expecting something in return. The whole show is a facade.

Narcissist don’t genuinely care about animals, all they care about is how kind and caring they appear to be. It’s in that appearance of caring that grants them attention and supply from the outside world.



Narcissists Use Pets to Triangulate

Triangulation is where the narcissist uses a third party to devalue you, make you feel insecure, create confusion and basically keep you in a state of anxiety about your relationship with them. This ties in with the trauma bonding process where they withhold their affection and time from you in order to keep you on the hook, hoping for a mere morsel just to feel ‘okay’ again. It’s all part of a psychological process whereby they get you addicted to them. You see, when they taketh away from you, you’re left feeling awful and confused, which is totally based on their manipulative behaviour. So, when the narcissist gives something back to you, usually just a breadcrumb of attention or pretending as though nothing ever happened, you feel such relief that it’s akin to feeling high. The narcissist is training your chemical body to actually need them as a way of feeling relief from the very abuse they’re inflicting on you.

Crazily, narcissists can use pets as the third party for triangulation. It’s not uncommon for the narcissist’s pet to be treated like royalty, while you’re left feeling like the peasant. The dog might get to ride shotgun in the car, while you have to take the back. Maybe the pet gets all of the narcissist’s love and attention, while making you feel like the dirt underneath their shoe. Narcissists can lavishly spend money on the pet, while completely forgetting (i.e. ignoring) your birthdays and anniversaries. In fact, ruining your special days is another abuse tactic they use. I used to think that it was just a coincidence that my narc ex managed to ruin birthday after birthday. However, it was all 100% intentional.

So, why do narcissists triangulate partners with their pets? Because it reiterates to the partner that they are worthless, while the pet exemplifies the type of perfection they need to be in order to be good enough for the narcissist. “If only I put in a bit more effort, then the narcissist might treat me as good as they treat the dog.”

It’s devaluation at it’s best, which keeps you in their cycle of abuse as a result of low self-worth and needing the narcissist to be your provider of security, survival, approval and love (ironically). And if you bring the topic up with them, expect to be gaslit. Plus, they will use your very feelings against you and throw them in your face down the track. “Oh my god, are you actually jealous of the dog? That’s pathetic.” “Are you saying I’m not allowed to care for my pet?” “You’re crazy!” “I never did that/ said that. You’re making things up.” Just to rub more salt into the wound, they are also actively working to be the pet’s ‘favourite,’ so as to isolate you from your pet. It’s all completely immature and extremely manipulative behaviour.

The narcissist likes to demonstrate that you are so worthless, you’re even beneath the pet in the household pecking order. This works to erode your self-worth, so that you don’t think you’re even worthy of anything more, eliminating (in their mind) the chance of you abandoning them.



Narcissists Can Be Extremely Jealous of Pets

Yep, if you greet your pet before you greet the narcissist at the end of a busy day, heaven forbid! If you give your pet attention when the narcissist is demanding you give them attention, be prepared for a narcissistic rage to ensue. In the narcissist’s world, they are the most special, most important being. If you are found to be giving more attention to someone or something else, they will behave like a selfish child throwing a tantrum. Your purpose in the narcissist’s life is to serve them without question. If you’re found to be giving more attention to the pets than what the narcissist sees fit, they’ll somehow find a way to punish you and put you back into place.

Examples of narcissistic punishment around pets:

They won’t care for the pet properly

They’ll treat the pet with contempt

They’ll verbally and physically abuse the pet

They’ll fly into an unrealistic rage at the pet’s behaviour

They might ‘accidentally’ let the pet wander off or die

They might torment the pet to get a reaction out of you

They’ll encourage the pet to behave badly so as to justify why the pet needs to be discarded

They’ll invalidate how you care for and treat the pet, making you second-guess yourself

The narcissist believes that they are superior to all others and must be the centre of focus at all times. If the attention shifts to the pet instead of them, they will punish you and even get rid of the pet so that they can once again be centre stage.



Narcissists May Totally Ignore Pets

Some narcissists just outright ignore pets, because they deem animals to be of zero value to them. If they don’t get anything from the pet (in the form of attention and admiration), they will completely ignore its existence. Everything with a narcissist is purely transactional. There has to be something in it for them or they won’t bother. You might have a pet that you love dearly and ask the narcissist to feed it for you while you’re away. They will grumble and whinge the whole way along, then need a medal at the end for being such a gracious human being for feeding your pet for you. It’s like dealing with a toddler who needs constant validation for the growth of their confidence… except with a narcissist there is never any growth.

Some narcissists view animals as completely worthless, therefore they’ll simply ignore their existence.



Narcissists Have Pets to Be in a Position of Power

Narcissists are complete control freaks. Somewhere inside themselves, they know that they need to feed off of others in order to feel good and keep their facade going. However, I’m sure they’re not aware of the level of spiritual vampirism in which they take part. The irony of narcissism is that one of their deepest fears is around abandonment. Yet, they do nothing genuine to actually make people want to stick around. They actively treat people like crap, abuse them and gaslight them to make them feel crazy. The narcissist is a false self, who actually has nothing authentic to offer. They are nothing without others around them, buying into their false reality and validating their very existence.

That’s why narcissists are so hell-bent on controlling everyone and everything in their lives. It’s the only way they can hold supply in place without them abandoning ship once they see the real person underneath. Their hunger to control doesn’t just apply to people, it very much applies to their pets as well. In fact pets are easier to control because they don’t talk back or question the narcissist’s narrative. They just love unconditionally and willingly hand over life force energy. For the narcissist to feel in control of themselves and not spiral down into their deep inner shame and disgust within themselves, they must control their outer world. “If I can have this much power over something else, I must be incredibly special and important.”

When the narcissist has complete control over their pets, it makes them feel extremely worthy, superior and special.



Narcissists Abuse Pets

The whole structure of a narcissist’s life is based around abuse. Their friendships and relationships are always moving through their abuse cycle, so why would we expect anything different with their pets? If their pets don’t behave exactly how the narcissist wants them to, they will not hesitate to be verbally and/or physically abusive towards the animals. Narcissists use pets to project their own anger onto, so that they don’t have to feel their own uncomfortable feelings. It’s a low-ball shot to say the least.

Here’s an example. A narcissist is walking along and stubs his toe. Immediately he feels a shot of pain, which he does not want to feel. A narcissist injury is triggered, where he feels shame and worthlessness for a millisecond. Immediately his ego flips the script, because he is perfect, it simply cannot be his fault. Therefore he must find something to shift the blame onto. Right beside him sits his dog Fido, loyal as ever. So, the narcissist boots the dog up the backside while raging, “get out of the way you stupid mongrel!” As heartbreaking as it is, this type of treatment of animals by narcissists is all too common.

Narcissists actively manipulate and abuse both people and pets to get what they want out of life. They’re a defective person who doesn’t know how to operate in any other way.



Narcissists Use Pets to Hold You in the Relationship

Much like having children, narcissists can use pets as a way of keeping you bound to them. Everything they do is to further serve their agenda, so if they feel that there’s still plenty of supply left in you for the taking, they will want to keep you around for that. If they get any indication of you leaving them (aka abandoning them), they will threaten you with losing your pet and never seeing it again. They will literally try anything to emotionally blackmail you into staying with them – cycling through threats, love bombing, invalidating, blaming and raging. If you do leave them and take the pet with you, get ready for heavy guilt-tripping from the narcissist about how sad and lonely they are without the pet. The narcissist doesn’t actually give two hoots about the pet, it’s just a prop for them to use to get what they want.

Why does the narcissist use the pet to hold you or pull you back in?

They use the pet as an excuse to get back into your world, which is called hoovering. They are using guilt to play on your compassion and empathy.

They cannot handle being rejected (if you left them), therefore they need to get you back to save face publicly, and then they will punish you for daring to leave them.

They see the pet as an item in which they are entitled to getting in the split, not you. This is all about them coming out on top and winning.

They’ll use the pet to make you feel too afraid to leave them, therefore you stay and keep being abused by the narcissist.

They’ll take the pet and flash it around as a ‘trophy’ if they get guardianship. Posting happy pics of them, the pet and their new supply on social media is common so as to trigger you even further.

They’ll smear you and make out that you’re a neglectful and careless pet owner.