What is a Rebound Relationship?
To explore a narcissist rebound relationship, first let’s explore what comprises a regular rebound.
Rebound Relationship
A rebound relationship is when someone moves into a new relationship before emotionally moving on and healing from their last one. It’s basically a reaction to their previous relationship. People often jump into, or find themselves in new relationships really quickly after a break-up with their last partner. A major reason for moving so fast is to distract themselves from the pain of the break-up.
Why do people get into rebound relationships?
Moving into a new relationship too quickly, before giving yourself the chance to process and heal from the last one can be to your own detriment. It can cause you to get stuck in the same old cycle with someone new and not actually grow as a soul.
Why it’s important to heal after a break-up
As human beings, what the vast majority of us all seek from relationships can be broken down into just a few main aspects.
We all come into this world seeking unconditional love, security, approval and validation from our outside world (our caregivers). Unfortunately, due to deep ancestral and conditional traumas, many of our parents were not able to provide some or all of those things to us. So, we grow into adults who head out into the world searching for the very things that were missing for us as children. These are the very things that we seek in our relationships. However, there’s one fundamental flaw with this unconscious strategy. When we are constantly looking for other people to fill our own personal gaps, it means we are consistently handing our power over to others. The danger here is that energy vampires (like narcissists) love people who walk around handing their power over to everyone else. The truth is, an endless abundance of self-love, self-approval, self-validation and self-security can only ever be found within.
When we take all the time that is necessary after a break-up to really go inside of ourselves, we can begin the journey back home. This is the true place to find all of the things that have been missing our whole lives. It’s a process of actually embracing the loneliness and triggers so that you can access your deepest wounds and release them from your body forever. And actually, there is no time limit on how long that process takes for you. I’m one-and-a-half years in and still going (there’s a lot of trauma to shift!). So, the idea of a rebound relationship actually makes me want to crawl into a hole, because I know I’m not yet ready to have someone else in my world.
Then, once you’ve done all of the healing, growing and learning that you were destined to do from the previous relationship, you’ll know when you’re ready to open up to the possibility of a new relationship. Not because you’re running from yourself or looking for a distraction to fill a void, but because you’ve done the work. Once you’ve truly healed and become your own source of love, validation, security and approval, never again will you hand your power away to someone else in the hopes of them giving you those things. That’s precisely what our souls signed up for when we took on this Earth journey. It’s always about soul growth and learning to become completely sovereign beings.
Can a rebound relationship last?
Not all rebound relationships come to a crashing end within the month, however many of them can do. You see, rebound relationships are not built on the same solid foundation that non-rebound relationships tend to be. When one or both parties is still ruminating over their ex and not able to be fully present, it makes it hard to build a relationship together moving forward into the future. Experts say that a rebound relationship will usually last anywhere from 1 – 12 months, with it being lucky to expand past the initial excitement of the ‘honeymoon’ phase. That’s not to say that the relationship can’t grow beyond the rebound stage. If both parties have a mutual respect and care towards each other, it can definitely evolve into a loving, supportive and healthy relationship.
Now that we understand what a rebound relationship is all about, let’s explore the narcissist rebound relationship. There are actually two different ways you can look at this. Either every narcissist relationship is a rebound, or, narcissist rebound relationships don’t actually exist.
THEORY 1: Every Narcissist Relationship is a Rebound
The very nature of narcissism means that they refuse to acknowledge any flawed aspects of themselves, which effectively makes healing an impossibility. Through childhood trauma, the narcissist made the unconscious choice a long time ago, to sever the connection with their True Self. You see, it was the existence of their True Self, which was responsible for them having to feel their inner wounding of rejection, abandonment and self-loathing. So, instead of acknowledging and feeling those things, they actually amputated the part of themselves that was making them go there. Without having access to their True Self, the narcissist is now left with zero capacity (or desire) to grow on a soul level. They no longer have the resources required to be able to look within, be accountable for their part in the break-down of the relationship and heal. Narcissists will bounce from one relationship to the next, without learning any lessons from their previous relationships, other than how to manipulate harder next time. They have no interest in taking the time to mend their wounds, so from that perspective, they could all be classed as rebound relationships.
Reasons we could view all narcissist relationships as rebounds:
Many narcissists can go into new relationships with definite hang-ups about their ex. But it’s not because they miss their ex or loved them in any capacity. In fact, they view their exes as items in which they own. To the narcissist, their ex was purely a tool that they could use for energy and resources, in order to prop up their false self. If a narcissist has ‘owned’ you once, they believe that they own you forever. They do not like to share their ‘toys,’ therefore they expect you to be sitting around pining for them and providing them with supply whenever they put their hand out for it. In addition, the narcissist will always view themselves as a complete victim at the hands of their ex, even though they were the abusive one. They will feel completely entitled to all of physical goodies from their ex, including cash, material items, property and child custody, just to name a few. The narcissist can most definitely bring a tonne of baggage into their new relationship, especially if they’re still fighting with their ex or going through a divorce.
Not only that, they’ll be actively smearing their exes name to all and sundry, while painting themselves to be the angel who did no wrong. If you discarded the narcissist, they must completely devalue you, then flip the script around to a place where they were the ones to have actioned the discard. This is the only way their ego can control the storyline, which says that they are superior, while you are inferior. It’s a reaction to avoiding the pain of rejection, while creating (in their false reality) that you were worthless to them. Does that sound like someone who’s completely moved on from their past relationship and is ready to healthily move forward with someone new? No way! As if all of that isn’t enough, the narcissist will quite often still be using their ex for supply. They might be hoovering their ex in order to keep them on the hook, just in case the rebound relationship doesn’t work out.
Another tactic is to use social media and flying monkeys to intentionally trigger their ex, in order to extract heavily charged emotions from them. All of these things feed them narcissistic supply (even if they never see them). Their exes energy and attention makes them feel so incredibly significant, that they can extract life force energy from them remotely. All of this evidence leads me to the next perspective, which is that the narcissist rebound relationship doesn’t actually exist. Given that the narcissist is a fractured soul who enters every relationship unhealed and still hung up on extracting energy from their ex, you could surmise that every narcissist relationship is a rebound.
THEORY 2: The Narcissist Rebound Relationship Doesn’t Exist
You can see how precarious of an existence the narcissist lives in 24-7. They need to be constantly feeding their false illusion, just to make sure that it’s ever-present and always ‘real’ for them. The narcissist needs people around them to be continuously saying, “yes, you’re absolutely right!” no matter how absurd and ridiculous the words are that are coming out of their mouth. The single most important thing that the narcissist requires from others for the feeding of their false reality is attention. Good or bad attention, it really doesn’t matter. It’s through this attention that the narcissist is able to feel extremely superior and significant, which feeds their illusion of grandiosity. When the narcissist cut off their True Self and left their ego to dictate their world, they effectively made themselves a drug addict. Life force energy (narcissistic supply) is now the drug they need to feed upon, in order to keep their psychological state of being intact.
A ‘relationship’ with a narcissist is actually more like a vampire disguising themselves as a regular human, so that they can drain you of your life force energy. At the end of the day, a narcissist doesn’t go into a relationship for love, mutual respect and to build an emotional bond with someone else. They enter a relationship with only one goal in mind – to extract energy and resources from the other person. This life force energy can come to them in many ways, but it always comes down to getting attention from their partner and other people, which feeds their false self. So, we can surmise that no relationship with a narcissist is a rebound because to them it is never truly a relationship in the first place. It’s only ever about what they can get out of it. Narcissists are incapable of engaging in healthy relationships because they are a conscienceless being. They lack the resources to experience empathy, compassion, kindness and love. For a narcissist, the relationship was only ever a tool to gain resources and energy for themselves. It was never a true relationship because it lacked the fundamental elements, such as love, emotional attachment, respect and teamwork.
How Long Will a Narcissist Rebound Relationship Last?
When pondering how long will a narcissist rebound relationship last, it’s really no different to looking at the expected length of any narc relationship. It all depends entirely on what the new supply can provide for the narcissist (without them ever realising that that’s all they are to them). A common misconception is that narcissists change their relationships as often as they change their underwear, however that’s not always the case. Grandiose narcissists can most definitely get bored quickly and want to switch out their supply regularly, to keep their lives extravagant and exciting. They’ll love bomb with fancy dinners, flowers, over-the-top dates and other great shows of luxury – all designed to reiterate how amazing they are.
However, covert narcissists are much less confident in their ability to get such a steady stream of supply. The covert variety want to hook their supply in and hang onto them forever. Their love bombing looks entirely different to the grandiose kind. You can expect a covert narcissist to love bomb with (false) compassion and empathy, sharing their vulnerabilities (i.e. playing the poor victim) and fake modesty. You’d never even know that you’re canoodling with a narcissist… until it’s too late and they’ve already implemented a trauma bond. Ultimately, the narcissist rebound relationship will last as long as the narc is getting supply from the new person. Or, until the new person gets a glimpse of who they really are behind the mask and they choose to walk away. There are loads of ways narcissists can extract supply from their new partner. Remember, it all comes down to attention, which makes them feel extremely important and above all others.
Here’s how narcissists gains supply:
If the new supply can provide any of the above things for the narcissist, they’ll want to keep them on the hook. In fact, the narcissist may have multiple people (sources of supply) on the go all at once, just to make sure they’ve got a good abundance of their drug. An interesting anomaly that I’ve witness is where narcissists tend to go for younger people as they themselves get older. I believe this is because younger partners are less worldly, less in tune with themselves and therefore more likely to fall prey to the narcissist’s manipulations.
A narcissist rebound relationship will last either:
Will the Narcissist Treat the New Person Better than Me?
The narcissist thinks, “man, I must be so incredibly powerful to get such a huge reaction out of my ex. That’s how significant and superior I am.” However, once it’s all said and done, the narcissist is still a narcissist. They can put on a good show (as we well know), but a wolf can never be a sheep. If anything, the narcissist has actually learnt how to lie better and manipulate harder with the next person. Narcissists typically get worse with age, because as their looks, money, resources and false charm fade, their ability to swindle new supply dwindles. Then you’re left staring at who they truly are underneath it all. A dark, resentful, seething and angry person who utterly despises themselves and everyone around them. Count yourself lucky for escaping the narcissist and having the chance to heal and grow into who you were always meant to be during this Earth journey!
