Key Reasons Why You Keep Dating Narcissists

Does the following scenario sound familiar? You finally leave an abusive relationship, meet someone promising and wonderful, only to discover that they’re just another narcissist! It’s a vicious and frustrating cycle that can result in anyone feeling helpless. So, why does the chaos keep happening to you? Are you doing something blatantly wrong? First, please know that this is a common phenomenon once you’ve had your first toxic relationship. It should be noted that abuse is never your fault. You’re not just attracted to narcissists or deserving of their awful behaviors. But you may unknowingly find yourself caught in these repetitive dynamics. Here are some of the main reasons why you keep dating narcissists.

You Love ‘Project’ Partners

Do you identify with falling in love with someone’s potential? Do you tend to take pity on society’s scapegoats or the misunderstood people of the world? If so, you may be attracted to ‘project partners,’ which often coincides with narcissists. If this is your pattern, you may consider yourself an eternal optimist. You believe that love and attention can change their behavior. You may assume that they just haven’t found the right person, treatment, or life circumstances to better themselves. Unfortunately, as you will continue learning, project partners rarely change their ways. They may present as damaged goods, and their presentation won’t improve their own time.

Their Narcissistic Behavior Feels Completely Normal

Did you have a narcissistic parent or caregiver? If so, you grew up in a toxic environment where shaming, blaming, and attacking your character were everyday experiences. Unfortunately, research shows that domestic abuse tends to be intergenerational. That means people who have abusive parents are more prone to ending up in abusive relationships when they become adults. They may also be more likely to abuse their children. This isn’t because you want to replicate the horrific things that happened to you. Instead, you may be subconsciously conditioned to believe that disrespect and hostility are normal parts of a loving relationship.

You Don’t Recognize Love-Bombing

Unfortunately, we live in a world with extremely skewed perceptions of love. For example, many of our favorite romantic comedies or novels display toxic representations of romance. In these unrealistic fantasies, people may stalk one another, fall in love extremely quickly, and give each other intense ultimatums from the beginning. These fantasies mimic something very dangerous: narcissistic love-bombing. And if you’re hooked on the idea of whimsical romance, you may mistake red flags as signs of adoration. Not all narcissists engage in love bombing, but many do, especially when they’re in a new relationship. Because you may be feeling euphoric yourself, it can be hard to ground yourself into reality. By the time you realize what’s really happening, you might be in the depths of a narcissistic relationship.

You Struggle With Self-Love

If you devalue or criticize yourself, you’re also likely to tolerate that same mistreatment in your relationships. Narcissists don’t want confident partners. They want people they can mold, change, and control. Subsequently, they have no incentive for you to feel empowered in your relationship.

You Lack a Core Sense of Identity

Many partners feel like their entire lives revolve around the narcissist. In some ways, this belief is entirely reasonable. There’s a good chance you spend the bulk of your time trying to understand, please, and even read your significant other’s mind. All this mental work takes away from something essential: your own identity. When you revolve your life around someone else, you neglect your other relationships and passions. Your personality becomes impressionable based on other people’s expectations. Because narcissists are so predatory, they will detect that trait instantly.

You Struggle With Codependency

As you may realize, codependency and narcissism go hand-in-hand. A codependent person will enable someone else’s behavior, even if it hurts them. This is because they often don’t want to cause problems or become a burden. And so, if you tend to people-please in your relationships, it might make sense that you keep dating narcissists. You haven’t learned how to truly set boundaries, causing you to tolerate abusive situations in everyday life.

Being Single Terrifies You

We all want to be loved, and it’s normal to want the benefits of commitment. Being single may scare you, and you might want to avoid it at all costs. But if you’re so desperate to be in a relationship that you routinely sacrifice your values and standards, you might keep picking the wrong people. Think about it. If you keep tolerating the bare minimum, you subconsciously tell yourself that you don’t deserve better. And whether you realize it or not, you exert that energy out in the world. Narcissists may pick up on this vulnerable behavior and offer to protect or rescue you. They know you don’t want to be alone. So, they promise to be that person to love you unconditionally. They promise that things will be different this time. But if you’re afraid of being single, you disregard serious red flags because you reason that living with those red flags is better than being alone. And even when things are going badly, you might justify staying because you feel trapped.

You Don’t Commit to No Contact

How do you typically end relationships with narcissists? Are you firm and grounded in cutting off all communication? Or are you more apologetic and passive? It’s no secret that ending relationships is challenging. But ending a relationship with a narcissist may seem downright impossible. Furthermore, going no-contact may feel dramatic or cruel. But it’s the only way to really commit to change. It’s also the best strategy to avoid dating narcissists (or staying in narcissistic relationships) in the future. That’s because going no-contact truly means honoring your need for integrity and respect. If the narcissist continues yielding their power and control over you, you may start condoning that behavior- both in your current relationship and in future ones.

You Fall For Different Types of Narcissists

Narcissists may all crave power and control, but they use different strategies to meet these needs. For example, more overt narcissists tend to be obnoxious and self-centered. You can pick them out of a line-up because they’re the ones bragging about themselves incessantly or interrupting others in a conversation. More covert or vulnerable narcissists, however, might portray themselves as victims. They might present as insecure or shy, only for you to later realize that they undoubtedly think they’re above everyone else. On the other hand, cerebral narcissists may win people over with their wisdom and intelligence. You might find yourself easily impressed by their impressive resume before discovering that they demean anyone they consider “below” them. And so, it is common for some people to oscillate between different types of narcissists. Don’t blame yourself if this happens. After all, most narcissists are relatively skilled at concealing their true colors at first!

You Keep Believing You Deserve Abuse

Narcissists often get away with their destructive ways because they are skilled in extreme gaslighting. Your past (or current) partner likely convinced you that you were the problem. In addition, you probably spent most of the relationship second-guessing or doubting yourself. When you believe you deserve abuse, you don’t stand up for yourself. You accept your reality as inevitable or even normal. You believe that things will never get better. So, if you want to stop dating narcissists, you have to truly internalize that you don’t deserve abuse. This rule applies in all circumstances. While your recovery may take time, the first step is to take back your freedom.

How Do You Stop Dating Narcissists?

Now that you have identified some key patterns, what do you do next? How do you change the cycle in your life? First, learning how to recognize narcissistic patterns is essential. Ideally, you need to be armed with this knowledge before you even begin dating someone new. If you’re single and have a history of narcissistic partners, avoid rushing into a new relationship. Even if you feel tempted to “move on,” you probably haven’t developed a strong radar for detecting narcissism. Insight is the best step for moving forward. Are you truly aware of your triggers? Do you recognize yourself in any of the reasons mentioned above? If so, spend some time reflecting on how you can improve those pain points.

Are You Using Empathic Projection to Rescue the Narcissist?

You’ve probably heard of narcissistic projection. It happens when narcissists transfer their own problems, toxic emotions, and wrongdoings onto you. For example, they accuse you of flirting with a coworker when they are, in fact, having an affair. Or, they criticize you for being lazy and not doing the dishes, even though you spent all afternoon cleaning the house. Narcissistic projection is undeniably painful (and frustrating), but it isn’t the only dysfunctional pattern in narcissistic relationships. Many partners unknowingly project feelings of empathy, love, patience, and compassion onto the narcissist- even when none of that exists. Empathic projection comes from a profound place of good intentions, but it ultimately creates a destructive dynamic. Here’s how it all works.

Signs and Symptoms of Empathic Projection

If you identify as an empath, you probably know what it’s like to feel overwhelmed by your level of empathy. You feel your emotions intensely and profoundly. You take on other people’s feelings, even when you wish you didn’t. But it isn’t just empaths who engage in empathic projection. Almost anybody who closely aligns with a narcissist, whether it’s a partner, child, or friend, often uses empathic projection to justify their relationship and cope with the abuse. Here are some common signs and symptoms.

You Believe You Must Rescue or Save the Narcissist

You care about the narcissist, and you see the good in them that nobody else sees. In addition, you also believe that they can reform themselves. After all, people can change, right? And so, you excuse their awful behavior and assume that it’s your righteous duty to help them come around. It’s your job to save them from their own agony. It’s your responsibility to show them the love you believe they deserve. This is a classic case of empathic projection. First, you assume that the narcissist wants to fix themselves (which generally isn’t true). You also assume that you’re the right person for this seemingly impossible task.

You Rationalize Their Behavior

They had a horrific childhood!

Their mother/father is a narcissist.

Their ex treated them terribly.

They struggle with addiction!

Do the above excuses sound familiar? While there may be a grain of truth behind them, adamantly defending toxic behavior only perpetuates the problem. Even if the narcissist had a traumatic childhood or suffered significant abuse, that doesn’t make their current behavior acceptable. Justifying it only keeps it alive. As long as you engage in this pattern, you continue reinforcing the narcissist to keep treating you poorly.

You Keep Future Tripping

So, things are bad now. You can admit that. But you hold onto hope that a beautiful future lies ahead. Once they quit drinking or manage their anger or decide they’re ready for marriage, things will be magically better. Right? If these fantasies sound delusional, it’s because they mostly are. Narcissists love to promise you anything you want when they feel threatened. They know your weaknesses, and they will exploit them to try to keep you committed. So, when all the chips are down, you can expect them to suddenly “come around” with the beautiful engagement ring or promise to enter therapy. Don’t be fooled. They aren’t genuinely interested in changing or making you happy- they’re only interested in ensuring that you stick around. Once they feel secure in that, they’ll pull the rug right from under you again.

You Believe They’ve Stopped Being a Narcissist

After a phase of intense and euphoric love bombing, you might feel heartbroken if the narcissist ends the relationship. They were your soul mate! You two were supposed to live happily ever after! And now, you can’t help but seethe with envy and rage towards their new partner. Part of you may even believe that this person gets the “better, healthier” version of the narcissist. Don’t fall for this fallacy. A narcissist will try hard to gaslight you into believing that they only act this way because of you. Then, they will do everything in their power to convince you that you’re responsible for their terrible treatment. But narcissism is a fixed personality disorder. So even if the narcissist can conceal some of their awful behavior when they first meet someone, it’s only a matter of time until their authentic self emerges. The truth about narcissists is – they create and install traumas inside you so that they live on inside of you, even when the relationship is over. Getting closure from the narcissist is not possible. You cannot negotiate with them. You cannot make them atone for their wrongs. These are things that never happen with narcissists, even with the passage of time.

You Keep Falling For Their Lies (And Disregarding Their Actions)

Narcissists talk such a good talk. They know how to tell you exactly what you want to hear. And if it isn’t what you want to hear, they know how to manipulate any situation to make it feel like it’s entirely your fault. If you’re involved with a narcissist, you need to stop listening to what they say. All that really matters are their actions. Their actions reveal the truth and tell you everything you need to know about how they care about you. At first, this task may seem impossible. If you struggle with empathic projection, you will naturally excuse their actions because you’re so focused on empty promises, fake apologies, or grandiose declarations of love. And if you call them out on inappropriate behavior, the narcissist will respond with either more sweet talk or complete narcissistic rage- there is very little in-between. Regardless of their response, make no mistake about it. The narcissist is counting on you to stay under their captivating spell. And they will tell you whatever you want to hear to keep you close. Even if they eventually discard you, the narcissist isn’t interested in giving you peace or leaving you alone without keeping you traumatized. This is why they generally hoover you once they believe you might be ready to finally start moving on without them.

You Get Angry When Others Call Them Out

Maybe you’ve identified that the narcissist hurts you or acts inappropriately, but you become unraveled when someone else acknowledges that. Why? Because it feels personal! It feels like the other person is demeaning you for your choices. Additionally, empaths tend to be protective of their narcissistic partners. Again, this often comes down to rationalizing narcissistic behavior or assuming that their motives are inherently good. Therefore, you feel frustrated when others won’t give the narcissist that same patience or compassion. So, if you feel like you must protect the narcissist at all costs, ask yourself this:

Am I afraid that the narcissist will hurt me if I don’t?

Do I subconsciously want to believe I’m imagining the narcissist’s toxic behavior?

Am I afraid of how people will judge me if they really understood the narcissist?

If you answer yes to these questions, you’re enabling the narcissist. Unfortunately, you’re also dismissing your own reality and likely alienating yourself from others! Keep in mind that this is exactly what the narcissist wants.

How to Stop Using Empathic Projection

If you recognize that you use empathic projection, congrats! The first step is awareness, and you are certainly not alone in your experiences. Victims of emotional abuse often rely on empathic projection to cope with their horrific circumstances. The projection, in a way, keeps you feeling safe and grounded, even when life feels utterly chaotic. And yet, the more you engage in this pattern, the more it will persist. Narcissists don’t stop hurting people once they get what they want. If anything, they often double down on their efforts to ensure they can maintain their narcissistic supply. If you struggle with empathic projection, here are some steps you can take to change your behavior.

Recognize and Label It When It Happens

Did you defend the narcissist again? Did you overlook abusive behavior or say to yourself, that’s just how they are? It happens! Changing your mindset will take time and effort, but growth requires holding yourself accountable. That means you must identify and label instances of empathic projection as you notice them. Doing so will help you recognize trends and triggers. Over time, you can start anticipating when you might use empathic projection. But instead of acting automatically, you will have the insight (and choice!) to respond differently.

Avoid Blaming Yourself

It’s easy to fall into a self-defeating trap when you decide to change problematic behavior. Be careful of staying in this trap for too long. The narcissist wants you to feel guilty, insecure, and vulnerable. They love when you beat on yourself- it takes all the pressure off them. Instead, it’s important to remind yourself that you are a loving, compassionate person with an abundance of empathy. You reacted in ways that tried to ensure your survival. You wanted to give someone the benefit of the doubt, and that makes you a good person! Furthermore, most people in your situation would react in similar ways. So, try to let go of blaming yourself. You can and will grow from this experience.

Commit to Breaking Free

The only effective, guaranteed way to end all empathic projection is to disengage from the relationship entirely. This step may seem dramatic, but it’s necessary for your healing. By now, you probably realize that narcissistic relationships make it impossible to enjoy a genuine connection. After all, you’re too busy feeling angry, second-guessing yourself, and trying to make the narcissist happy. It is no way to live your life, and it’s certainly no way to coexist with someone else! Healing is a process that can open up some truly transformative revelations and opportunities when we give ourselves the chance to recover and thrive. Please know that as crippling as it feels to finally break free from abuse, there is an end to it. The body and mind know how to heal themselves when we create the conditions for them to do so.

10 Ways Sex With a Narcissist Makes You Feel Used

At first, sex with a narcissist may seem addictive. It’s like you can’t live without each other. You want to spend all your time in bed, pleasuring and enjoying your partner’s body. But as time goes on, the euphoria fades. And suddenly, the excitement is replaced with…annoyance, resentment, shame, and even fear. While you know you definitely don’t enjoy sex the way you once did, maybe you aren’t exactly sure why. While it’s normal to experience ebbs and flows in your sex life, sex with a narcissist almost always becomes unfulfilling and disappointing. No matter how exciting things once seemed, the letdown can be fierce. Here are ten reasons why.

Sex Is All About Them

At one point, they may have devoted time and attention to your needs. They may have even pleasured you in a way nobody else could match. But this pattern often indicates love-bombing, and it’s a common way to “hook” new partners into toxic relationships. When it comes to the early stages of sex, narcissists know how to appear generous and compassionate. They will lavish you with love, reeling you into their world without regard for your feelings. And once they have you captivated? The sex becomes entirely selfish. They may go through the motions to keep you barely satisfied, but eventually become utterly indifferent to your body, sex, or even kissing. That’s because sex is all about their needs, desires, and expectations.

They Want Constant Validation

Although it can seem paradoxical, narcissists have terrible concepts of self-worth. It’s why they rely on sex and romance to maintain their narcissistic supply. This need for validation can play out in several ways. For example, they might seek constant approval about “how well” they pleasure you. Or, they may subtly fish for compliments about their appearance or performance. But, it doesn’t take long to realize that even though they seem to want your opinion about their performance, they don’t use your feedback in order to get closer to you. In fact, they will often use your feedback to make sure they are performing well for other supply that’s in their pipeline.

Sex Is Just a Game

What does sex mean to you? Is it a way for you to bond and connect with someone you love? Does it create a sense of powerful intimacy between you and your partner? Now think about what sex might mean to the narcissist. To them, it’s not about bonding, connecting, or building intimacy. Instead, it’s about “winning a game.” From that framework, you are nothing more than a mere pawn in their quest for power, control, and personal satisfaction. Sex is just one of many ways they inflate their ego. So, when they sleep with you, it’s all about maintaining and restoring the ego- not about creating a powerful sense of love.

Monogamy Is Optional

Think your partner is totally committed to you? Think again. Many narcissists are notorious for cheating on their partners. The premise here is simple: They want what they want, and if they want someone else, they don’t care about the appropriate rules regarding fidelity. Furthermore, they often engage in manipulative tactics, like monkey branching, to ensure they get the best of both worlds. With this strategy, they may present as monogamous, but they’re always scouting for new supply. So even if you think things are going well in the relationship, they’re preparing to bail whenever the right opportunity presents itself.

They Will Shame Your Desires and Preferences

Have you ever divulged a fantasy or secret desire to your narcissistic partner? Did you finally do so after they prodded for information? If so, how did they respond after your big reveal? A typical narcissist may react by:

Laughing at you or calling you silly.

Calling you dirty, slutty, or some other derogative term for having that desire.

Making it about them (so, having sex with me isn’t good enough on its own?).

Giving into your desire and then expecting you to thank them incessantly for it.

Gaslighting you into believing you’re the selfish one for having needs.

All of these responses undoubtedly cut you down and make you feel insignificant and inferior. This will often apply even after you express that you don’t necessarily want to engage in these preferences. It’s all a way to manipulate your feelings and keep your focus on their needs.

You Know You’re Being Compared to Porn

Many narcissists are addicted to porn. Unfortunately, they often confuse real-life sex for fantasyland. Therefore, they assume that their partners should match the energy, appearance, and gusto of pornstars! This comparison, of course, can be devastating for partners. After all, it’s essentially impossible to compete with these fabricated narratives about what sex is (and what it isn’t). Keep in mind that narcissists will often downplay or lie about their porn consumption. But you can likely tell they’re viewing excessive porn if:

They suddenly want to engage in different kinds of sex without any real explanation.

They have a hard time getting or maintaining an erection.

They no longer have as much interest in having sex.

They don’t seem to be “looking at you” when having sex.

They are masturbating much more frequently.

They Withhold Sex

Narcissists love changing the rules just to keep their sex partners on their toes. So, one week, you two might be having lots of amazing sex. But the next? It’s radio silence. And not only that, they may even snap when you try to initiate sex. So, what gives? Withholding sex can be a malicious form of devaluing you, and narcissists use it because they know it keeps you doubting your reality. They also know that it will likely make you feel deeply insecure or ashamed, which keeps them having a sense of control. Sometimes, the narcissist will have a legitimate reason for not having sex. But often, they will be intentionally vague. If confronted, they will likely respond by saying something like:

I just haven’t been in the mood lately.

I have a lot on my mind.

We have tons of sex. Why are you being so pushy?

I just need some space.

I need to think about things.

These cryptic responses have one thing in common: they make you feel like you did something wrong (even when you know you didn’t). And so, this often perpetuates a pattern of you trying to read the narcissists’ mind, all while knowing that nothing you do will be good enough.

Sex Feels Like a Massive Chore

Maybe you just “put up” with sex because you don’t want to disrupt the status quo. But in doing that, nothing feels that satisfying. Instead, you’re probably seething! Even though sex may not always feel explosive, it certainly shouldn’t just feel like an item to check off your to-do list. If that’s the case, there are some serious issues you need to address within the relationship. Unfortunately, bringing up your feelings will likely backfire. As you probably know, narcissists don’t handle feedback very well. They will likely attack you over any perceived criticism, making you feel like the perpetual bad guy.

They Won’t Commit

Maybe you keep having sex with a narcissist, hoping that it will lead to something more. Perhaps they keep promising about a relationship or marriage. But in reality? Nothing happens. What’s going on? Narcissists will tell you whatever you want to hear to get whatever they want. So, if they know you want a committed relationship or marriage, they might make off-handed remarks about those topics just to keep you pining for more. Of course, these remarks don’t have real substance behind them. The narcissist will always do things on their terms. So, if they aren’t willing to commit, that won’t change until they decide it needs to change. But in the meantime, when it comes to sex, they’ll undoubtedly continue having their cake and eating it, too!

They Sexually Abuse You

Sexual abuse is one of the most devastating, destructive outcomes associated with having sex with a narcissist. The American Psychological Association (APA) cites sexual abuse as any unwanted sexual activity made through force, threats, or the inability to provide clear consent. When it comes to narcissists and sex, this abuse can look like:

Insisting you don’t love them if you don’t have sex with them.

Threatening to hurt your reputation or “break up with you” if you don’t have sex.

Guilting you into having sex due to not wanting blue balls or other types of discomfort.

Trying to weaken your impulses by encouraging you to drink heavily.

Attempting to flatter or guilt you into having sex because they “need” to feel connected.

Remember that sexual abuse is never your fault, and it is never okay! Healthy relationships require trust and respect. Sexual abuse violates those essential concepts and can seriously compromise your physical and emotional well-being.

Will Sex With A Narcissist Get Better?

The short answer: no. The long answer: No. Sex with a narcissist escalates into a selfish power differential, and it can quickly spiral into an insidious form of control, manipulation, and abuse. For these reasons, sex with a narcissist will never be a mutually fulfilling form of intimacy. In fact, if you are having sex with a narcissist, your soul is being sucked out of you. Narcissists don’t make real love, they don’t have the ability to connect with you on a soul mate level (even though it often feels like this in the beginning). Instead, over time it will feel as if your spirit is slowly getting sick. This is why relationships with narcissists are often referred to as “soul rape”.

If you are being (or have been) intimately or sexually narcissistically abused, it probably has begun to feel like you are sleeping next to a stranger. All the connection you felt with them has vanished into thin air and suddenly the person who used to feel like home to you has become some unknown entity who exudes boredom and irritation with you.

From ‘soul mate’ to worthless: What’s behind the narcissist’s 180?

How on earth is it possible to go from soul mate to worthless for no apparent reason? How can anyone in a relationship make such a dramatic 180? If you’ve clicked on this post, then you are probably feeling extremely confused, lost, and heartbroken. You may also be feeling unsure of yourself, down and anxious, and possibly even like you have no worth or value. You may be trying to understand why things have changed so dramatically with your partner, when you believed you had found the love of your life. The person you love and who used to worship you so completely, seems to have turned into someone else entirely. The once perfect soul mate, now appears to almost despise you, endlessly criticizing, mocking, threatening, controlling, and abusing you for little or no reason whatsoever.

Every now and then you briefly glimpse the one you miss, so you come to believe that your soul mate is still there, somewhere. You ask yourself, what do I need to do to get that person back? Sadly, you are also most likely trying to make sense of what you have done wrong, and what you need to do to fix things to make your partner kind and loving once more. Does this sound familiar?

Here’s the thing. It is not you. There is nothing you can do to ‘fix’ things to bring your loved one back. That person doesn’t exist. The one that does exist, who is painfully real, is the monster before you, an abusive narcissist. The person you fell in love with was merely a carefully constructed charade. The person behind the façade is the one who has constructed, and can only ever offer you, the hell you’re in right now.

You are not worthless. Your value is endless. Hell is not right for you. Time to find some peace and freedom. Let’s start getting you to that place by answering your question: how is it possible that in the eyes of your partner you have shifted so dramatically from being their soul mate to someone worthless?

How the narcissist relates

There are predictable phases to the abusive narcissists’ relationships. These are idealize, devalue, discard. These labels accurately reflect the core purpose of each stage, with the abusive narcissist treating you ultimately as an object. The inevitable narcissistic relationship cycle adopts the following patterns:

Idealization is all about worship, adoration, and making you feel like no one can love you like they can. You are “love bombed” receiving incredibly fast declarations of undying love, constant contact reminding you of the unparalleled love shared, and intense focus on you and meeting your needs.

This is starkly contrasted with devaluation where the abusive narcissist does a 180 and deliberately undertakes to convey contempt for you, keep you insecure about the relationship, and dismantle your sense of self and power. The focus is to debase and diminish you.

Discard delivers on the threats embedded in devaluation. You are rejected and abandoned with brutality, disposed of like an inconvenient thing, at times this is done with less energy invested than one would in actually taking out the trash.

Time to break the cycle of ‘what can I do to fix this, be good enough, be worthy once more…etc.’. Time to break the cycle of abuse. Time to reclaim your power and your true self. To achieve this you must understand what motivates the abusive narcissist in each stage, that moving through each of these is unavoidable, and that you had absolutely nothing to do with why you are receiving the abuse. To recap… you CANNOT fix this. Walking away is the fix.

From soul mate to worthless – why the 180?

‘Splitting’ is a fundamental component of the psychological make-up of the abusive narcissist. The Narcissistic Personality Disodered (NPD) individual is incapable of accepting both the positive and negative aspects that are the hallmarks of being human, and of integrating these into one whole (Vitek, 2000).

Not only does this apply to others, but also within themselves. This means that those with NPD view themselves and others in extremes. One is either ‘all good’, or ‘all bad’, there is no balanced position or in between (Zosky, 2001).

You can do no wrong

The ‘love bombing’ that creates enmeshed attachments during idealization feels like worship, because this is, in essence, what it is. Here you are viewed as ‘all good’, your strengths are amplified, and you are told you are incomparable amongst others. You are rhapsodized at every turn for your greatness. Not only are your own traits magnified, but the narcissist also bestows upon you the traits they desire of their mates, as well as those that they believe they possess in themselves (Hinrichs, 2016; Mahoney, Rickspoone, & Hull, 2016). This is the start-up of projection, when you suddenly acquire characteristics that don’t really ring true for you, because they are not really reflective of who you know yourself to be. For example, you might be questioning whether some of the devotions are somewhat over-the-top however much you’d like to accept them. Still, aversion to lavish praise and adulation is not commonly something we object to! Being seen as ‘all good’ is generally, ‘all good’, so we happily roll with it.

You can do no right

Splitting and its slave, projection, become less welcome once devaluation hits. Particularly when contrasted so starkly with the adoration that was heaped upon you in the first weeks (or few months if you were lucky). The 180 is that you are now, suddenly and jarringly, ‘all bad’. Once the shift starts, so does your self-questioning and search for answers about what the hell is going on? This is what is going on: you are being punished by the narcissist. There are three key reasons for this, none of which have ANYTHING to do with you, and are entirely due to what festers behind the mask of the abusive narcissist.

The first reason relates to the inability to accept that they themselves are flawed. They develop a false self to manage and to preserve their conviction that they are ‘all good’. This results in using defence mechanisms of grandiosity, superiority, inability to accept criticism, and constant need for adoration. The imperfections must however be dealt with, and these are denied as being aspects of the narcissist and are projected onto you (Vitek, 2000; Zosky, 2001).

The second reason is that it is fair to say that you as a normal human being (albeit a gorgeous one!), will have moments of imperfection. Devaluation will also be precipitated when the narcissist comes to this realisation. The narcissist incapable of accepting flaws in you, and now incompatible with being ‘all good’, will reclassify you as ‘all bad’ in keeping with their black and white thinking. The abuse that ensues is driven by contempt and the need to punish, control and manipulate you for being ‘less than’ their superior selves and the image of perfection they previously idealized you as being (Keller, Blincoe, Gilbert, Dewall, Haak, & Widiger, 2014).

The third reason is that dependency and attachment are reviled by the abusive narcissist. These evoke hate, frustration, envy, and unbearable vulnerability which are emotions that challenge the omnipotence and control held so dear by the monster. Your reclassification as ‘all bad’ in the devalue and discard phases are also defences against these intolerable emotions (Vitek, 2000; Zosky, 2001).

So here are your reasons. The abusive narcissist is only capable of existing within relationships where the other party is either worshiped or reviled. Once the pendulum has swung towards realisation that you are a perfect imperfect human being, it does not swing back the other way. Ghosts of your ‘soul mate’ make fleeting appearances only for the purpose of maintaining power over you. There is no recapturing what once was. Walk away now and reclaim your power.

DO NOT for a second think you can change any of these aspects of the abusive narcissist. You cannot. These cognitive classifications are hard wired into the NPD’d individual. Even if you could, not for one millisecond would the monster choose to be any other way than who and what they are. They are ‘all good’, remember? To their way of thinking, why would they elect to be any other way?