Ways of Narcissistic Abuse – The Narcissist Brainwashing their Victims

A relationship with a narcissist involves cruel and relentless emotional abuse. Narcissists are able to do this by brainwashing their victims. They use a variety of methods in order to obtain control over their significant other. First they “love bomb” their prey, then they threaten, degrade, shift blame, criticize, manipulate, verbally assault, dominate, blackmail, withdraw, withhold love and affection and gaslight their victims. Self-professed narcissist and author of “Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited,” Sam Vaknin describes how a narcissist abuses his/her victim:

“He infiltrates her defenses, shatters her self-confidence, confuses and confounds her, demeans and debases her. He invades her territory, abuses her confidence, exhausts her resources, hurts her loved ones, threatens her stability and security, involves her in his paranoid states of mind, frightens her out of her wits, withholds love and sex from her, prevents satisfaction and causes frustration, humiliates and insults her privately and in public, points out her shortcomings, criticizes her profusely and in a “scientific and objective” manner – and this is a partial list. Very often, the narcissist acts sadistically in the guise of an enlightened interest in the welfare of his victim. He plays the psychiatrist to her psychopathology (totally dreamt up by him). He acts the guru to her need of guidance, the avuncular or father figure, the teacher, the only true friend, the old and the experienced. All this in order to weaken her defenses and to lay siege to her disintegrating nerves. So subtle and poisonous is the narcissistic variant of sadism that it might well be regarded as the most dangerous of all.”

The narcissist will try to brainwash you and has many tools in his toolset. The aim of this is to keep you under control, to get the needed affection and attention he so deserves.

1. The Narcissist and Love bombing

“Love bombing” is an attempt to influence a person by lavish demonstrations of attention and affection. It has been used to refer to abusers in romantic relationships showering their victims with praise, gifts, and affection in the early stages of a relationship. One victim describes it as follows: “The narcissist girlfriend thought the world of me, came to me for advice, and would do anything for me; she was so like me and so perfect until the cracks began to show. They cannot keep up the facade for very long. But they are masters, if you don’t know better, at getting you hooked.” That feeling of “love” that you have is more intense than normal because the narcissist first floods you with expressions of love, and then they withhold, and then they give a little; over time this changes you- it’s a form of manipulation, control and brainwashing. There is no doubt that you have loved. But narcissists can’t love you back. What happens in these types of relationships is that you get so caught up in the feeling that you don’t listen to the alarms that go off in your head.

2. The Narcissist uses Degradation

Narcissists degrade their victims and tear apart their self-esteem which can make resistance to their control strategies difficult. They use tactics such as sarcasm, criticizing, name-calling, berating, belittling, excessive blaming, screaming, threatening and humiliation. Over time, the constant verbal and emotional attacks weaken the victims and erode their sense of self-confidence and self-esteem while it makes the narcissists feel more powerful and, hence, exert further control.

3. The Verbal Assaults of the Narcissist

This includes berating, belittling, criticizing, name-calling, screaming, threatening, excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation. It also includes exaggerating your flaws and putting you down in public. Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self-confidence and self-worth.

4. Emotional Blackmail

Here the abuser plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other “hot buttons” to get what they want. This could include threats to end the relationship, the “cold shoulder,” or other fear tactics.

5. Demonstrating Dominance:

A Narcissist believes and projects an attitude of being all-powerful and all-conquering which can convince the victim that resisting the narcissist is futile. They need to be in control of others, must have everything their way, and will resort to threats or any other methods to achieve submission. Eventually, the victim loses their self-respect.

6. Threats If Victim Does Not Comply

Narcissists will promote feelings of anxiety and despair in their victims by making threats and using intimidation. This encourages the victim to submit to the unreasonable demands or bullying of the narcissist.

7. Abusive Expectations

The abuser places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside (including your children) to tend to their “very important” needs. It could be a demand for constant attention, frequent sex, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person. But no matter how much you give, it’s never enough. You are subjected to constant criticizing and berating because you don’t fulfill all of this person’s needs.

8. Isolation

Isolation deprives the victim of any social support which reduces their ability to resist. The narcissist will keep the victim unaware of what is happening (e.g. by taking total control of the family finances, making plans that are unknown to the victim, tell lies about them to others, etc). This strategy leads to the victim becoming dependent on the narcissist for validation and information. The narcissist will insist on controlling their partner’s time and physical environment to try to curb their natural behavior and feelings of independence. They may insist on their partner giving up certain hobbies, social or work activities. They may even insist their partner move away with them to a new location, further isolating the victim from their family or friends.

9. Total Control of the Victim’s Perceptions

Abusers may convince the victims that aspects of the victim’s character or behavior are ‘wrong’ which takes the focus off what the narcissist is doing. Using the isolation of the victim, the narcissist can then control what type of information and stimuli the victim has access to.

10. Unpredictable Responses

Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts are used to keep the victim unsettled and anxious. This behavior leaves the victim feeling like they are always on edge. They are always waiting for the other shoe to drop and can never know what’s expected. They remain hyper vigilant, waiting for the other person’s next rage or mood change. Living like this is extremely demanding and anxiety-provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly frightened, unsettled, and off-balance.

11. Constant Chaos

A narcissist may deliberately start arguments and be in continual conflict with others. They are often addicted to “drama” since it creates excitement.

12. Gaslighting

The narcissist will deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. The victim knows differently but the other person will deny their perceptions, memory and sanity. That makes them begin to think they are crazy or losing their mind.

13. Enforcing Trivial Demands

The narcissist will make a huge commotion over trivial matters in order to condition the victim into developing a habit of being compliant.

14. Occasional Indulgences

The narcissist may provide ‘treats’ or demonstrate kindness to encourage and motivate compliance with their demands. In the end, the victim is brainwashed to believe their partner is somehow supremely intelligent and all-powerful; the victim feels it is useless to resist them. The reality is that the narcissist is a dysfunctional, malicious and abusive individual. Narcissists and other abusers employ these techniques because these tactics are highly effective for achieving their goals of manipulation and control.

13 Signs of a Narcissistic Husband (And What to Do)

When you met him, you couldn’t believe how lucky you were. He was charming, outgoing, and everything you ever hoped and dreamed of. You wondered what you did right in the world that made this fairy tale come true. And then he became a nightmare narcissistic husband. Slowly, he became critical and controlling. Everything was all about him, and he didn’t care how you felt or what you thought. Slowly, the man you met just disappeared before your eyes. How did that happen? What went wrong? How could he have changed so much? The thing is, he didn’t change. Deep down, he was always like that in his inner core. The problem was, he put on an act for you in the beginning, and you believed him.

Don’t worry – you are not alone. It has happened to countless women. It’s easy to get fooled by a narcissist, and by the time you figure out who he really is, you are probably already married to him. If this scenario sounds familiar to you, then your husband probably has narcissistic traits (or could even be a full-blow narcissist). Maybe you’re not even fully sure if your husband is a narcissist or not, so let’s take a look at some of the traits you should look out for.

1. He Acts Better Than Everyone Else

He probably goes around telling everyone about all of his “great” accomplishments. He wants people to think he is better than they are, and that includes you – especially you.

2. He Doesn’t Listen to Your Opinion

Whether it’s something simple like what you want to do on a Saturday night or something major like which house to buy, your narcissistic husband probably doesn’t really listen to your opinion. He might pretend to, but then he does whatever he wants to anyway, regardless of what you think.

3. He Needs to Be Right Every Time

He thinks he knows everything. You could tell him that 2 + 2 = 4, but he would argue with you and say, “No, 2 + 2 = 5.” Meanwhile, you’re scratching your head wondering how he thinks he could possibly be right. But he doesn’t really care what the truth is; he just needs to “win” and be right.

4. He Controls You

Maybe you put on some new jeans and he says, “You can’t go out of the house in those because they are too tight.” Or if you want to go out with your friends, he tells you that you can’t. He might limit you in main areas of your life or treat you like a child when you’re at home.

5. He Gaslights You

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation. When he uses it on you, he plants seeds of doubt in your head. This, in turn, makes you question your own memory or sanity. He turns reality around on you and makes you question yourself (when in actuality, he’s the one you should be questioning).

6. He Needs Admiration

A narcissistic husband always wants you to tell him how amazing he is. As I said in #1, he goes around trying to make himself look better than other people. And in doing so, he wants the admiration that goes along with being “superior.”

7. He Shows No Empathy

He completely lacks the ability to see your perspective on anything. He doesn’t care how you feel or if you are hurting. He just cares about himself and what he thinks. He likely doesn’t notice when you’re feeling down or angry, and when he does, he will glaze over it to make you feel that your emotions don’t matter.

8. He Blames You

He never takes personal responsibility for anything and always blames you (or other people). Everything is always your fault, and he does absolutely nothing wrong. Even if you try to reason with him to try to see how his actions were not right, he will deny it and try to blame you instead.

9. He Acts Like a Victim

Because nothing is ever his fault, your narcissistic husband is usually the “victim” of others’ actions. If his project at work failed, he will blame it on his boss, co-worker, or clients. He constantly has a victim mentality because he cannot look at his own actions and see that he is responsible.

10. He Doesn’t Feel Guilt

He might say or do things to you that are very hurtful. Maybe you caught him doing something like texting another woman. Even after you catch him, he won’t feel any guilt at all. He’ll shrug it off like it’s no big deal, and tell you to just get over it.

11. He Lies

Everything that comes out of his mouth tends to be a lie. You may or may not be able to catch him in the lies, but you probably have a gut instinct that what he’s saying most of the time is simply not true.

12. He’s Mean and/or Abusive

He’s just plain mean to you. He might criticize you and call you names like fat, ugly, or stupid. He probably tells you that you’re lucky to have him because no one would ever want you. He might even physically abuse you.

13. He Enjoys Your Pain

Because he is incapable of feeling empathy, he almost enjoys seeing you in pain – either emotionally or physically. It gives him a sense of power over you. He also feels absolutely no guilt when he inflicts pain on you.

What You Can Do If You Have a Narcissistic Husband

Now that you know the signs of a narcissistic husband, there are some things you can do. Let’s take a look at some of them.

Set Boundaries

Narcissists will take and take and take some more – unless you don’t let them. They are bullies, and bullies like an “easy target.” They don’t want someone to fight back and draws boundaries that they can’t cross. However, when you do it, they will have no choice if you stand your ground (and you should).

Stay in the Right Mindset

Don’t allow your narcissistic husband to manipulate your mind. Stay in the right mindset, and don’t allow him to brainwash you. You know the truth, and you know you do. Don’t allow him to make you second-guess yourself.

Don’t Take It Personally

I know that his words and actions are hurtful, but try not to take it personally. Honestly, what he says and does is actually not about YOU. It’s about HIM and his own insecurities. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you are the bad person in the relationship. You aren’t!

Leave

I hate to say it, but you can’t really change a narcissistic husband. In fact, you really can’t change anyone. They have to want to change, and if they don’t, they won’t.

If you have tried your best to make it work and are still miserable, then you have two choices. Stay and get more of the same, or leave and find someone who isn’t a narcissist. I know it’s not easy to leave, but you just need to make the decision that is best for YOU, not him.

Being married to a narcissistic husband is not easy. There are a lot of narcissists in the world, so you are not alone. Try to find some support and remember to love yourself first because you deserve it!

Healing After Narcissistic Abuse

In many cases, victims of narcissistic abuse don’t leave the toxic relationship, they are discarded. You will feel as if you have been left in the middle of an ocean with no anchor and no way to swim back to shore. The confusion is immense, you don’t understand why he left you because you tried to do everything right, but it wasn’t good enough. It is important to remember that narcissists suffer from a mental disorders, they don’t choose to act that way. Therefore, what has happened to you is neither your fault nor your ex-partners.

Due to his (or her) condition, he is unable to experience the natural progression of a relationship, there is no bonding stage with a narcissist. After they have come down off their dopamine high, they get bored and become overwhelmed with negative feelings, and it is this that ushers in the devaluation phase. The narcissist doesn’t sit down and plan this out; the fact that the majority of narcissists operate in a similar pattern is evidence that it is a psychological disorder. Unfortunately, you will have experienced a lot of emotional trauma in your relationship with a narcissist, it is possible to overcome the pain you have been subjected to. But it is going to take time and it is important that you become familiar with the 6 stages of healing after narcissistic abuse.

There are three stages of narcissistic abuse; idealize, devalue and discard.

Victims describe the experience as living on an emotional rollercoaster. The narcissist will repeat the cycle as often as they feel is necessary to keep their partner in a place of submission. The 3 stages include the following:

Idealise

Narcissists don’t target anyone; they look for a combination of vulnerability and status. For example, an extremely beautiful woman who seeks constant validation is the perfect partner for a narcissist. Beauty gives them status, and vulnerability means there is a high chance of her tolerating his abuse, which means she makes a good candidate for narcissistic supply. Once they decide a person is of value, they pursue them relentlessly. The narcissist will shower their victim with gifts, compliments, and promises of the perfect relationship. The idealize stage is also referred to as love bombing; this charming side of a narcissist makes them impossible to resist.

Devalue

When the narcissist launches their devaluing attack, in most cases, the victim is oblivious to what is taking place. By this stage, they are so enamored with the narcissist they believe he could never do anything wrong. They cleverly disguise insults as compliments; instincts will tell the victim that something is not quite right, but the love-bombing stage has clouded their vision so much, they brush it under the carpet and act as if all is well. The devaluing stage is very confusing because the narcissist starts displaying a split personality where they act one way in public, and another in private. They launch their attack slowly and may start of by targeting the victim’s friends and family in an attempt to isolate them. In this way, the victim becomes totally dependent on the narcissist.

Discard

The narcissist will start dating someone because of what they can get out of them. Once the victim loses their value, and they are no longer providing a supply, the narcissist will discard of their current partner. During this time, the victim will experience intense manipulation known as gaslighting, projection, scapegoating, and blame-shifting. The discard phase is an extreme version of the devalue stage, sugar coating has gone out the window, and the real reign of terror begins. Victims find this stage especially difficult to deal with because the narcissist will blame them for the breakdown of the toxic relationship. They make every effort to please the narcissist so they can experience the love-bombing stage again, but there is nothing that can be done, the narcissist is ready to move on.

The 6 Stages of Healing After Narcissistic Abuse

Healing from abuse is a process, and you will go through several difficult stages on your journey to recovery. There is no specific order for these stages and you don’t have to experience them all. But these are the stages most common experienced after an abusive relationship with a narcissist.

Denial

It is not uncommon to experience denial after a narcissistic relationship. You will feel helpless, and out of touch with reality. Because you loved your partner so much, you will not want to accept the deficiencies in the person you had devoted your life to. You were dependent on him for your happiness, so you will feel safer blaming yourself for the abuse than accepting you fell in love with someone who was capable of treating you in such a horrific manner. This is not a conscious decision; it is a fact of human psychology; many people will experience this after a traumatic event.

Guilt

Narcissists take out their life’s frustrations on their victims. They project their failures, disappointments, and hurts on the person they are targeting. Everything that is wrong, that goes wrong, all the imperfections they see in themselves, the things they cannot fix, is blamed on you. After hearing this day in and day out, you end up internalizing it and become programmed to believe you are at fault. When you leave the relationship, you are still carrying this burden and feel guilty that you were not good enough to make him stay.

Shame

Shame kept you trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship, and shame will keep you from moving forwards after getting out of it. In some cases, the feeling of shame will drive a victim back into the arms of their narcissistic partner. You will feel shame and embarrassment because you feel that you deserved the abuse and it was your fault because you acted in a way that made him lash out. Additionally, friends and family members can be unintentionally insensitive and will ask you hurtful questions such as, “Why didn’t you leave earlier,” or “Why did you allow him to treat you that way.” Questions of this nature make you feel as if they are blaming you for the abuse. They are looking at your situation subjectively, and don’t know how to relate to what you’ve been through. In their mind, they are asking these questions because they want to get a better understanding. But in your mind, they are blaming you for allowing the abuse to happen, which only intensifies the feeling of shame.

Anger

Once you have freed yourself from the constraints of an abusive relationship, you will look back and question how you ever got involved with such a person. You will feel angry at yourself for several reasons; for not realizing what was happening sooner, for the lost time, for giving yourself to such a cruel person, for allowing your partner to convince you that your friends and family were no good. The more you evaluate what has happened to you, the angrier you will become.

Depression

Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional abuse, in most cases, your partner will not have put his hands on you. But the residual effects of this type of abuse can lead to severe depression.Life will feel heavy, on some days, you will want to sleep the pain away; on others, sleep will fail you. On some days, you won’t be able to eat, on others you will eat yourself out of house and home. You will feel disconnected from the world; but most times, you won’t feel anything, just numb. When darkness prevails, it is impossible to see any light, and it becomes easy to believe that this is the existence you will inhabit for eternity. Depression comes in cycles, the moment you think you are getting better, it will creep up on you and take you right back to your worst days.

Recovery

Recovery is a decision only you can make, after going through the stages of healing after narcissistic abuse. You will get to a point where you just want to get better, you will want to put it all behind you and start living again. There is no timeline for when you will get here, as everyone is different. But at this point, you will either seek professional help or start educating yourself on how to get better and implement the recommendations.

How do You Feel After Narcissistic Abuse?

You will experience a range of unpleasant emotions and feelings; unfortunately, they are a part of the stages of healing after narcissistic abuse. Some of them include:

Confusion

During the love bombing stage He made you feel so special; there was no one in the world capable of making him feel this way. You were the apple of his eye, his everlasting and unfailing love. One day, you were going to get married and have a house full of children. Fast forward to the devaluing stage, and your partner categorically denies ever mentioning marriage to you. He starts making digs at your weight, and might say something like, “I know I didn’t say that because I’d never walk down the aisle with a fat bride.” Then he reverts back to the love-bombing stage and starts talking about marriage again. You were confused when you were in the relationship and remained confused when you left because you never truly knew how the narcissist really felt about you.

Loneliness

Whether you were in the relationship for one month or two years, your partner was the love of your life. You spent every waking moment together and now they are gone. It is only natural you will feel lonely after the breakdown of a relationship. However, this loneliness is heightened because of the extreme highs and lows your narcissist partner took you through.

Ptsd

The abuse you’ve experienced was a form of psychological abuse and it traumatized you. Trauma is defined as any experience that threatens your sense of security or safety. Being in a relationship with someone suffering from a personality disorder is incredibly stressful. You never know where you stand with a narcissist. Your emotions are unstable, and you are in a heightened state of alert at all times. This can cause post-traumatic stress disorder, the symptoms include:

Having flashbacks or nightmares

Unable to control your emotions

Suicidal fantasies/thoughts

Destructive coping strategies such as prescription medication, drug or alcohol abuse, eating disorders and self-harm

Physical ailments due to the trauma such as irritable bowel syndrome, tingling limbs, dizziness, chest pains, tummy aches, headaches

Extreme tiredness and fatigue

Feeling numb/dissociative/disconnected/zoning out

Shame/guilt

Thinking the worst in every situation

Not everyone who has suffered from an abusive narcissistic relationship will get PTSD. However, post-traumatic stress disorder is a serious condition and if you are experiencing any of these problems, it is essential you seek professional help immediately.

How to Recover From Narcissistic Abuse?

There are several strategies you can implement to overcome abuse. But in some cases, the trauma may be so severe that you will need a therapist. Here are some tips to get you started:

Grieve

Allow yourself to feel your emotions no matter how painful they are. Acceptance accelerates the healing process; when you grieve, you release the emotional energy stored in your system. Confide in a trusted friend or family member about your feelings and allow yourself to reminisce over the good and bad times of the relationship. You can also express yourself in a letter, get all your emotions out on paper, and say a final goodbye to your partner.

Confront Your Negative Beliefs

The abuse will have left you feeling terribly insecure. Narcissists are experts at making their victims feel unworthy, you would have spent months hearing that you are fat, ugly, stupid etc. When you hear something often enough, you start believing it; therefore, you will have accepted that you were discarded because you are so repulsive you pushed your partner away. None of the negative things your partner said about you are true, and to confront them, replace these hurtful words with positive affirmations. When you catch your inner voice speaking to you in this way, tell yourself that, “You are deserving of love,” “you are attractive,” “you are intelligent,” “you will achieve your dreams.”

Change Your Perspective:

No one wants to endure pain, but if you change your perspective of it, you will find a powerful lesson in the midst of your sorrows. To start, you now know what a narcissist looks like which means not only can you ensure you don’t get into another relationship with one again. You can also help your friends and family members spot the red flags too. A lot of people who overcome difficult situations use their pain to fuel their purpose in life. They become so passionate about helping others overcome abuse that they become motivational speakers, authors and therapists.

How to Move on After Narcissistic Abuse?

Moving on is not easy, but it is possible. It will take a lot of mental energy to heal the wounds you have endured. But if you are determined, you can live a fulfilling life again. Here are some tips to get you started:

Stay Single

The worst thing you can do after getting out of an abusive relationship is to get into another one. You need time to heal, process what you have been through and learn to love yourself again. Jumping from relationship to relationship is a coping mechanism, it is a way of masking the pain. Since you are still vulnerable, you run the risk of entering into another abusive relationship. Staying single is an essential part of the healing process.

Be Kind to Yourself

Get rid of anything connected to your ex-partner, gifts, pictures, text messages, and cards. Throw them out, burn them, or shred them, you don’t want any reminders about them whether good or bad. Go shopping, get a makeover, go on vacation. Whatever it is you do to pamper yourself, do it, you deserve it after all the hell you’ve been through.

Learn to Listen to Yourself

You are going to hear a lot of voices after the breakup. Friends, family members, and associates will all think they have the perfect solution to help you get over the relationship. If you don’t feel comfortable with the advice, don’t take it, do what feels right to you.

Life is going to look very different now, you are no longer in an abusive relationship, but you’ve got to go through the healing process. Healing is difficult, there are going to be times when the pain feels worse than when the injury was inflicted. But you must decide to throw off the victim mentality and see yourself as victorious instead.

The Painful Narcissist Silent Treatment is a Form of Abuse

Sometimes it starts with an argument, an off-handed comment in front of a mutual friend, or maybe just forgetting to do something your partner asked of you. They’re minor slights that most couples work through by having a dialogue and understanding each other’s feelings. Narcissists have a completely different playbook though. They use the Narcissist silent treatment, sometimes with no end in sight. We typically think of narcissists as gregarious, full of themselves, and always the center of attention. Tell that to their partners though and you’ll get a story of how they clammed up days or even weeks at a time. So why would an attention seeker suddenly go silent?

As with most things pertaining to narcissism, it boils down to control. When a narcissist goes quiet, their partner questions what they might have done to cause offense. More often than not it’s that something shattered the narcissist’s grandiose vision of themselves. It might be something you said or did, or it may be completely unrelated to you and the narcissist is just taking out their rage on those closest to them. Narcissistic rage and the silent treatment frequently accompany one another; the silence puts them back in a position of control. By remaining silent, the narcissist doesn’t need to explain themselves, work through problems, or see your side of the conflict. You’re forced to do all the emotional heavy lifting, racking your brain as to why they’re upset and what you can do to fix it. While you’re pondering that, it’s unlikely that you’ll notice that the narcissist was at fault in the first place and should be apologizing to you.

Is the Narcissistic Silent Treatment Manipulation? It can easily be mistaken for anger; every once in a while we all get too upset to work through our problems in the moment. We need time to cool off, let our rational brain takeover, and be ready to compromise with our partners. This is what happens in a healthy relationship, with both sides taking the time they need before returning to the table and coming to a resolution. It is nothing of the sort – the narcissist fully expects you to be the one to apologize, even when you’ve done nothing wrong. For narcissists, they use the silent treatment as a form of manipulation. They’ll refuse to communicate for days, weeks, or even months. However, at no time will they explain their actions because the goal is to get you to apologize first and offer subservience to get back into their good graces.

As such, narcissistic injury and going silent go hand in hand; when the narcissist’s ego is threatened by criticism. They will go silent until the person that criticized them shows contrition and goes back to boost their ego. Never mistake it as a display of emotion – it’s always manipulation. Being on the receiving end of it is akin to being ostracized, which has been shown to have far-reaching negative effects on a person’s psyche. It can make a person feel like they have no control over their life, emotions, or behavior. This is the goal of the narcissist, to have their partner dependent on them for happiness. Why is the Silent Treatment so Effective?

If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you know how hurtful their words can be. Whether it’s insults, sarcastic comments, lying, or emotional blackmail, the verbal abuses can feel endless. So it might seem like something of a break to have peace and quiet in the relationship. Unfortunately, this type of silence will feel anything but peaceful. For starters, narcissists often pull people into relationships with them by showering them affection, which is sometimes referred to as love bombing. They build up their victims, making them feel special, and telling them that they’re responsible for the narcissist’s newfound happiness. When the narcissist engages in the silent treatment, that all gets turned on its head and the victim feels like they are 100% responsible for the narcissist’s sadness or anger.

Additionally, humans naturally want to feel loved and “seen” by their partner. They want to be acknowledged in a world where we often feel like little cogs in a big machine. When the person closest to us turns their back and shuts their mouth, it can feel like we don’t matter to anyone. This is the narcissist’s goal, to make their victim feel like the only way they can pull themselves from this darkness is by making the narcissist “love” them again. Their “love” is conditional and can only be regained by submitting absolutely to them. In many cases, this is the only type of relationship the narcissist knows. Many grew up in homes where love was conditional and used to exert power.

Every relationship, and every interaction within the relationship is a game to be won. For them to win, they need you to break first, to come to the table asking for forgiveness. They know that their victims can’t stand the silence as long as they can.

How Long Do Narcissists Give the Silent Treatment? The short answer is that it varies depending on what caused the silence and what the narcissist hopes to gain from it. If it originated from a minor strike against their ego, the silence may only last a few hours – just long enough for you to see how awful it can feel when the narcissist stops communicating with you. For larger slights or when there’s a pattern of using silence as a weapon, you could be looking at days or weeks. What most want to know though is do narcissists come back after they went silent and what prompts it? Some people experience a much longer period of pseudo-silence from their partner though.

The narcissist might communicate about basic necessities: finances, issues related to child-rearing, or what to buy at the grocery store, but there’s no emotion connected to their words. This type of silence can go on for several months and is utterly destructive to their partners sense of self worth. It feels like you don’t have a partner. So do narcissists come back after several months of going silent? Usually not. This form of emotional abuse is less likely to be about manipulation and more to do with an upcoming discard. The narcissist was slighted in some way, but they no longer see a use for you and they’ve likely found another source for their narcissistic supply. If they do come back, it will only be temporarily and just to wring the last bit of supply from you.

What Happens When you Don’t Reach Out During the Narcissist Periods of Silent Treatment? You’ve been given the silent treatment once or twice now and seen how it progresses: you apologize, you make concessions, and you end up feeling controlled.

The solution? Perhaps you could just ignore their emotional abuse? Treat them like a child acting out and disregard their behavior until it stops. Unfortunately, it’s not quite that simple. Narcissists depend on supply and that usually takes the form of compliments and affirmation of the delusional image they have of themselves. However, supply can also take the form of subservience and feeling feared. They know you’ll do anything to end the it and stop it from happening in the future, no matter the cost. When you refuse to acknowledge the narcissist’s behavior they tend to lash out in other ways like:

Belittling you

Expressing rage

Provoking guilt

Turning friends against you

Gaslighting

They’re unlikely to give up until you’re groveling before them and asking for forgiveness. If silence isn’t enough to accomplish that, they’ll simply find another way.

What Happens When You Give a Narcissist the Silent Treatment? If you’ve been previously hurt by a narcissist, you might be tempted to turn their tactics on them. As your mother probably told you though: two wrongs don’t make a right, and that’s doubly true when you’re dealing with a narcissist.

First, ask yourself why you are using their tool set of emotional abuse? Are you trying to hurt the narcissist or are you hoping they’ll come back to apologize? If it’s the former, their hurt will be short-lived. They’ll almost immediately fall back on ego-defense mechanisms, perhaps by lashing out and manipulating your mutual friends, painting you as the aggressor. You’ll be equally disappointed if you’re looking for an apology as narcissists rarely admit guilt or show remorse (and mean it). It is never a healthy method for dealing with conflict. Whether you use it on someone with a narcissistic personality disorder or someone without, the results are sure to be disastrous.

How to Deal with the Narcissist Silent Treatment? So how do you respond to the narcissist’s silent treatment without giving them the cold shoulder? It depends on where you’re at in the relationship and what kind of resolution you’re hoping for.

1. If you’ve legitimately done something wrong, apologize for it.

Make it clear that you regret your actions and would like to talk about the issue further. No matter what you did though, the silent treatment is not an acceptable response. Don’t internalize the guilt that the narcissist will inflict upon you. Don’t allow the narcissist to control you through the apology. An apology is about love, not power.

2. Give them the chance to make up in a healthy way

Some people just don’t have the emotional tools to deal with upsetting situations and the silent treatment could be a manifestation of their fear. Let them know that you care about them and want to understand what’s troubling them. Another option is to let the narcissist know that them being silent is not a responsible way to deal with their pain. Calmly explain that you’re willing to talk and make compromises if necessary, but that staying silent will get them nowhere.

3. It is often just one component in a pattern of emotional abuse

Tell the narcissist that their silence is an unacceptable way of dealing with conflict and that you will exit the relationship if it continues. Narcissistic discard and the silent treatment are commonly associated though, so don’t be surprised if the narcissist reacts angrily and breaks it off with you first. Chances are this won’t be permanent and the break up is just a way for them to gain the upper hand. In that case, do not initiate contact or respond to the narcissist. Walk away and don’t look back.

4. Lastly, you can ignore the narcissist’s silence, though this isn’t likely to turn out in your favor

Narcissists have many tools for getting their way and if silence is ineffective they will use a different one. Fortunately, this will confirm the type of person that you’re dealing with and can help you understand the importance of distancing yourself from the narcissist.

Being on the receiving end of the silent treatment can be an incredibly painful experience. You’re left questioning yourself, what you did wrong and what to do when the narcissist ignores you. Remember that it’s not your fault, even if you did something to provoke their narcissistic rage. Their unhealthy reaction is their problem and you can’t always fix it. Letting them know that you care to mend the relationship while setting boundaries is the best way to keep the peace and your sanity if you’re to stay with the narcissist.

Lasting Damage Of A Narcissistic Family

The damage of a narcissistic family is painful, lasting, and difficult to overcome. Here’s why. In a narcissistic family image is the most important thing. It’s all about making the parents and grandparents look good and feel good. To be beautiful, successful, and seen as wonderful people are all that matters. If you are in such a family, you function as a prop in a play. Children are taught to suppress their emotions and never speak the truth.

Damage of a narcissistic family is inability to express your feelings

In narcissistic families, reality is denied and so are the members’ real feelings. Children try very hard to get approval because they don’t think anyone cares. They don’t think they matter. Growing up in a home where no one asks how you are inside or listens to what you have to say can lead teens to experiment with substances to cope with their anxiety and/or depression.

Role playing means you can’t be your real self

You might be surprised by the role playing in narcissistic families. Each member of the family is given has a role to play from a very young age. There is the good child and the bad child, the scapegoat and the clown. Everyone strives for attention and approval from the narcissist. Getting love is viewed as a competition. Family members learn that love can only be attained if they fit into a certain role and play their parts perfectly. The damage done by a narcissistic family impacts each member’s mental and emotional health in lasting ways. Because they grew up in a toxic household, adults can have difficulty achieving healthy relationships. They don’t know what a loving family is like, which leads to failed or toxic relationships. What are some other consequences of growing up in a narcissistic family?

Anxiety and depression are two kinds of damage of a narcissistic family

In a toxic family, the children are always guessing – what’s next? Because they don’t understand the narcissistic parent’s agenda, they’re often on an emotional roller coaster. The random acts of this feared presence is what causes their anxiety. Their constant quest for acceptance and not knowing when/if they’ll get it triggers anxiety as well. Without approval and constantly worrying about how or when they’ll attain this acceptance can send them into depression.

Emotional suppression

Narcissistic people have their own lives to worry about – it’s all about them. Their feelings come first in the world they’ve created and all of the family members have to adhere to this to keep that “happy” family image. This means that there will be a lot of emotional suppression among the rest of the family. The children realize early-on that their parents are too self-absorbed to understand their emotions. They understand that their feelings come in second – if that. After being raised by their “surrogate parent” sibling, who also must steel themselves emotionally, they see that emotions don’t matter in the family. So, they swallow them. It’s painful and keeps the child from thriving and learning to love and trust others.

Low self-esteem

Growing up in a narcissistic family means there’s never an opportunity to finally understand the agenda. Children in the family often suffer from these narcissistic family consequences and develop low self-esteem. Because they’re never on the same page as the narcissist for long, they feel that they’re “stupid” or “not good enough” to understand what’s going on. The lost child is neglected and feels worthless and the scapegoat is full of shame and exhausted.

Negative beliefs about relationships are consequences of a narcissistic family

These roles all pigeonhole the family members into a particular part when growing up. The children become stuck in that mindset – that need for a role. They are groomed to believe that relationships and love are all about how well you play that role. It becomes a competition.

Lack of trust

When children in a narcissistic family don’t grow up with love as a sign of nurturing and support, intimacy becomes difficult to understand. Children want to open their hearts. In this case, the narcissist ignores their children’s needs. The children feel unaccepted and eventually develop trust issues that affect their daily lives. Love becomes frustrating and they throw up walls as a form of protection. This creates many complications in future relationships as they mature.

Narcissism can be taught Narcissism can develop during childhood due to toxic household environments. The “golden child” has a great chance of developing narcissistic tendencies because they’re trained and groomed by the parent to mirror their behaviors

How To Deal With a Narcissistic Family Member

A narcissist is someone diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, which is marked by grandiose thinking, inflated sense of ego, lack of empathy and a need to be admired by all. A narcissist family member may gaslight you and need a constant stream of praise. Some tips for how to deal with a narcissistic family member include journaling, creating support networks, and avoiding conflict.

Signs You Have a Narcissistic Family Member

When there are signs of narcissistic parents or siblings in a family dynamic, it can certainly lead to a lot of frustration and turmoil. In parents, it can be hard to have your needs heard or met, and with narcissistic siblings, you may be the scapegoated child or be pitted against the other siblings whose narcissism is demanding more time from the parent.

Some signs you have a narcissistic family member include:

Your family member is gaslighting you: Narcissistic gaslighting is a manipulation tactic where a person intentionally distorts the truth in order to manipulate someone. A narcissistic family member or parent may gaslight you, using this technique to try to convince you that events transpired differently from the way you remember them to cover their abusive behavior.

Love is conditional: Instead of giving love unconditionally, your family member makes you feel that you are not worth love unless a condition of theirs is met. You may have to earn their love through praising them.

They’re self-centered: Your family member makes everything about themselves and cannot handle not being the center of attention, even in the midst of tragedy. They may use narcissistic phrases like, “You’re overreacting,” or, “You’re so insecure.”

You were silenced: Whether it’s stating how you feel or sharing what you need, you are silenced and ignored and made to feel that you don’t matter. Long term this can become very traumatizing.

You feel confused: Feeling more self-doubt and unsure of your reality is a sign that you have a narcissistic family member who is gaslighting you.

You are anxious around them: Whether the anxiety comes from being around them, not knowing what to expect or fearing their anger, it may be a sign that you have a narcissistic family member. You may feel anxious about what will happen if they are not pleased with something you did or said.

They have other unhealthy relationships: If your family member is talking poorly about others in front of you, name calling them, taking advantage of others, becoming aggressive at others and showing jealousy of others, it’s likely that they are a narcissist.

They were always right: If your family member expects you to always agree with them, side with them and back them up, it’s likely they are narcissists.

You carry the weight: If your family member makes you feel that you are responsible for their happiness, such as you always validating how they feel and shouldering their depressed feelings, it’s likely they are a narcissist.

They love-bomb you: Love-bombing is when someone uses excessive attention and admiration to gain trust. Narcissistic family members may do this in order to win your favor to provide them with praise. This praise fills their narcissistic supply, which is their constant need for admiration.

How to Deal With a Narcissistic Family Member

Learning how to deal with a narcissist, especially a narcissistic parent or narcissistic family, member is no easy task. Most of the time, the only solution is to cut this individual off from your world so they don’t have access to you to continue using you. This may not always be an option for many reasons. If this is the case and you are not able to cut this individual out of your life, here are 10 tips to deal with a narcissistic family member:

1. Establish a Safe Space During Heated Moments

Have a safe space you can retreat to. It’s important to feel safe and having a place where you can go, whether it’s in the home or outside the home, is going to be very helpful for you while you maintain your stance.

2. Set Clear Boundaries

Narcissists will always try to push your boundaries, so setting clear and firm boundaries gives you leverage to lean on. Setting healthy boundaries can help you prioritise your own needs over those of your narcissistic family member.

3. Avoid Conflict

If at all possible, try to simply avoid conflict and think about what the gain is for you to engage in the conflict. Now, the goal of this is to not succumb to whatever the narcissist wants, but more about protecting your peace.

4. Accept & Let Go

You won’t be able to change the narcissist in the family, and being able to understand this and relieve yourself of the responsibility to do so will let you move forward.

5. Read Books on the Topic

Reading other’s stories on how they coped with these relationships in the family and how they survived can be both inspiring and educational and can give you a new perspective on ways you can cope that you may not have considered before.

6. Build a Support Network

Having friends, a therapist, and relatives outside of the immediate family can be very helpful for you as you will need a lot of support when dealing with a narcissistic family member. People who support you and give you unconditional love is something that will help keep you going.

7. Have Self-Compassion

With the same token, be kind to yourself since the narcissist is already being very negative towards you. Taking a break on yourself and having self-love is critical when dealing with a narcissistic family member.

8. Begin Journaling

Journaling is a great way to channel emotions and also keep a record for yourself of what happened during intense moments. Having this record can be helpful if you are feeling confused or are being gaslighted–it can be the source of truth to journal with the date and time of your entries.

9. Make an Exit Plan

If it’s possible to work towards leaving or cutting this person out of your life, it’s important to start with an exit plan and think about what you need and want before you leave. Sometimes leaving is the only solution.

10. Speak With a Therapist

Speaking with a therapist about this is an important step to always consider, even if you are practicing all of these other ways of dealing with the narcissistic family member. Therapists can give an objective view and help you feel more empowered in your situation and build up your self-esteem to be able to better deal and cope, or even to help you craft an exit plan.