The Pathological Narcissist’s Multi Addictions

The narcissist’s pervasive feelings of shame are the root cause of their multi-addictions. So, whenever they experience a narcissistic wound, the narcissist turns to one of their addictive mood-altering experiences to deliver them from pain, in this way their addiction becomes their form of self-soothing. For example, unable to regulate their strong feelings associated with shame, they may turn to one of their multi-addictions, i.e. a chemical substance as an auxiliary regulator (Hotchkiss, 2003), or to retail therapy to get their fix.

Narcissism, by its very nature, is an obsession and a compulsion, therefore the narcissistic personality is particularly prone to addiction. Obsessed by the illusion of a False Self, and an inflated sense of their own superiority, power, and control, the narcissist renders themselves susceptible to all sorts of obsessions, compulsions, and addictions. As well as being addicted to some of the classical addictions (i.e. drugs, alcohol, shopping, gambling, food, sex, etc.) the narcissist will also become addicted to anything that will assure the survival of their False Self. That is, anything that allows them to self- medicate against the pain of any unpleasant anxious emotions (i.e. loneliness, illness, failure, uncertainty, shame etc.) and guarantees the paralysis of the True Self.

The addictions are the nutrients to the narcissist appearing to be in control, and being beyond the control of others. For example, their addictions to “self” support their feeling superior and being better than anybody else in their presence; cultivates their feeling of being “special” so that they feel acceptance wherever they are; satisfies their need for the copious amount of excitement needed to burn off their deep anger and rage; maintain the illusion of the inflated self, thereby they can avoid facing their limitations, defeats, and ordinariness; relieves their horror of boredom, and fills the inner “Gap” in order to feel whole for at least a little while; and to gain access to their endless need for “narcissistic supply”.

Narcissism is indeed a pattern of addiction. The narcissist’s greatest addiction is not so much in getting attention than it is on having a grand view of themselves. Their goal in life is to gain admiration, power, and control, and in this way, they boost their self-esteem and avoid their constant intrusive shameful feelings.

The best way for a narcissist to reach this goal is specifically through their addiction for “narcissistic supply”. The narcissist in their addiction is like other types of addicts. They both yield to their urges of a preferred “fix”; for the drug addict, it may be their heroin, but for the narcissist, it is their new source of narcissistic supply (victim). In their pursuit, the narcissist is highly motivated, and will successfully search out a suitable candidate for their purpose.

They are especially drawn to people who are “caretakers”, those people who have advanced empathy because it is these people who offer the most satisfaction and pleasure, and who help them to self-regulate. Just like a drug addict, their craving for intense satisfaction grows stronger and stronger with each conquest, until it dominates their thought processes and behaviours.

They are continually on the lookout for new and greater triumphs that bring greater glory to their self-esteem. As they progress along this path, with their repeated behaviour they are likely to become bored, or, they may set the bar too high, and crash. Either way, this will result in the narcissist experiencing diminishing levels of satisfaction and self-esteem. So just like the junkie, they develop a “tolerance” to their drug, seeking even higher dosages to feel better about themselves. In time, because of their pathological behaviour, the pathological narcissist will eventually ruin the relationship that provides for these cravings.

When the narcissist gets their “high” through their narcissistic supply, they feel as if they are reaching their goal of sought-after admiration. They enter a period of inflated self-regard, where they feel wonderfully euphoric, flying high on the feeling of connection with another.

They are feeling relatively normal with a secure attachment and mirroring eyes that tell them that they are wonderful. Unfortunately, like the addict, they are likely to indulge their craving in a way that becomes destructive in the extreme. Unfortunately, before long, their acquired drug (their victim) will, unfortunately, disappoint them, and their self-aggrandising feelings soon deflate.

Like the junky whose fix wears off, the narcissist comes back to earth with a bang, and their self-esteem takes a tumble. Inevitable, the victim will stir up feelings of dependency and vulnerability in the narcissist-pilot, and in doing so, they find themselves becoming an enemy. The narcissist will then withdraw from them, devaluing them, and likely to turn to one of their multi-addictions in order to get back control.

Entering The Narcissist’s Maze Of Confusion

Written by Christine Louis de Canonville

All pathological narcissists, when they look into the mirror, see a superhero; someone who is intelligent, assertive, mentally healthy, highly attractive, and worthy of admiration. I don’t think they seem to care if they are particularly seen as friendly or likeable. They believe that they are more intelligent, and indeed more competent than everybody else, especially when it comes to their co-narcissist caretaker victims. So naturally, to them, they have earned the right to be in their prestigious seat.

The amazing thing is that narcissists do seem to make a good impression on people at the beginning of the relationship (during the Idealisation Stage), even with those people who pick up on their narcissistic cues. In the beginning of the relationship, the pathological narcissist is excitingly intense and appears to be full of spontaneity. However, due to their negative interpersonal style, it does not take long before healthy individuals come to view them in a negative light. Those who are most in danger of their seduction are people that have already been conditioned by another narcissist sometime in the past, especially as a child.

These damaged individuals tend to tolerate them and accept their behaviour as quite reasonable, and so they will enter the dance (especially those that have learned to do so in the earlier previous relationship). To fully understand narcissism, research needs to take broad multiple perspective approaches to get to know what a narcissist is like, both on the inside and outside. For example, there is a need to study the narcissist’s personal self-perception. How they see themselves, and how they think others see them, especially their poor interpersonal style.

It is useful to know how important it is for all narcissists to shine. If they cannot shine in a person’s company, they are likely to lose interest in them and move on to a new source of supply. Not being seen to be special seems to cause them unease and distress. For that reason, they are particularly drawn to seek out co-narcissist victims, many of whom are empaths. These individuals are willing to accept them as they see themselves, they are not going to compete for the limelight or attention that the narcissist craves, and they will compassionately hold them with a good heart. It is important also to know, that in the early stage of all their new relationships, the narcissist gets all the positive feedback that they are looking for, this ultimately confirms their sense of entitlement and superiority.

Of course, as the relationship progresses, their less attractive characteristics begin to slowly emerge (i.e. envy, exploitation, arrogance, etc.). Generally, narcissists do not expect long-term relationships, they have grown accustomed to people coming into their lives and leaving them. In these short-lived relationships, they are not necessarily looking for approval or concerned about what the other person feels. Therefore, all things considered, they are unable or unwilling to change their negative behaviour. Getting their needs met is their end goal, not genuine reciprocal relationships. They are not interested in making any changes to their conduct. Therefore, all the changes for accommodating the relationship will become the responsibility of the caretaking co-narcissist victim.

As co-narcissist victim, it automatically becomes your responsibility to make monumental changes that aid the relationship along with your narcissist with the least conflict. So much of the caretaker’s time goes into keeping the relationship on an even keel and this tends to keep the focus off what you need from the relationship. Unfortunately, the relationship rests on a foundation of fantasy. You met the beautiful Dr. Jekyll side of your narcissist in the beginning of the relationship, and you long for that side to return so that everything will then be alright.

In the meantime, the co-narcissist keeps the tragic secret of the dysfunctional partnership from not just the world, but also from their own self by repressing the reality of the problem. By doing that, the caretaker is isolating themselves from concerned family and friends. They have caught sight of the elusive Mr. Hyde, and feeling their warnings are falling on deaf ears, they begin to withdraw their support, and with it the likelihood of much-needed reality checks for the victim.

When one takes on a caretaking role in their family as a child, there is every likely hood that you will continue to take on that role in all your adult relationships. It becomes second nature to you, and you are unlikely to be even aware of it, putting everybody’s needs before your own. This can present itself in many ways. For example, growing up with my pathological brother, I was intent to make myself invisible. This spilled over in my not wanting to cause any trouble anywhere, i.e. with any authority figures, especially my parents and teachers. I became a little helper (i.e. cleaning the house, shopping, putting on the dinner, obliging, setting up visits to the elderly, etc.).

As a defence mechanism, this “pleasing behaviour” was a good way to make me feel safe, and to also regulated my fluctuating self-esteem. I was both uncomfortable with conflict, and sensitive to others pain. So, it does not take much stretch of the imagination to see how I was destined to become the harmoniser who brought peace to the family. But this also affected my identity in the narcissistic relationship with my brother. The consequences for my behaviour is that I became over responsible for my tender years, and this took some of my innocence away.

In many ways, I was a 15-year-old going on 25. I was the serious one out of all my friends, the one who everybody came to in order to solve their problems. Even my friends got in on the act. They discovered that they could go places if I were going too, because their parents saw me as responsible, therefore a good influence on their children. In many ways, this stunted my playfulness, looking out for everybody, watching to see if my peers were drinking too much and putting themselves in any danger. I never learned to depend on others to look out for me, and thus, lost myself in a fog of over responsibility. In this way, most co-narcissists become over responsible and automatically take on the responsibility for others without being asked. This becomes their fixed pattern, their learned behaviour because of growing up in a household with a narcissist. In my case, I was being forced to act more mature than my years could carry.

My brother set rules and expectations for me that he failed to achieve or honour himself. Naturally, this made me angry, and most of the time I was not able to express that unfairness for fear of reprisals. Consequently, even today, I cannot stand by and watch injustice in any shape or form being done to anybody. So clearly, I still have unfinished business to attend to.

Divorcing A Narcissist, Tips To Get You Battle Ready

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW WHEN DIVORCING A NARCISSIST

Especially having lived with a narcissistic spouse or partner through the IDDH Cycle. That cycle is:

The Idealisation Phase (the “honeymoon” time when you can do nothing wrong).

Devaluing Phase (when you can do nothing right),

Discarding Phase (when you are perceived as being no longer useful)

Hoovering Phases (when you are stalked for further “narcissistic supply”).

During the IDDH Cycle, a victim will have been subjected to all forms of narcissistic abuse. Once the narcissist’s mask of sanity slips, they bombard the victim with constant criticism, double standards, gaslighting, ambient abuse, and coercive control. The victim finds themselves living in a state of confusion and paralysis with a stranger they do not know or understand, this is akin to Intimate Terrorism. When the victim finally decides to divorce their narcissistic partner, they will need to prepare themselves for a war that will be made up of many battles (i.e. physically, emotionally, psychologically, logistically, financially, spiritually, etc.).

BE AWARE YOU ARE NOW ENTERING A WAR ZONE

Asking a narcissistic spouse for a divorce is the equivalent of declaring a full-scale war on them. At first, they do not believe that you mean it, and they are not one bit concerned about you or your happiness. The only thing that matters to them is that you are a great source of “narcissistic supply” for them, and they will not give you up easily. Therefore, you must engage the first rule of war, which is: “Know thyself, know thy enemy, and never let your opponent choose the battleground”.

HOW DO YOU SURVIVE DIVORCING A NARCISSIST?

Divorcing a narcissist is draining, it may be the biggest challenge of your life, so the healthier you are emotionally, the better chance you have of winning. Narcissists will make it as difficult as they can for you, so, staying strong is a priority. I suggest you educate yourself about narcissistic behaviour so that you can deal with the reality of the situation, that way you are going to experience fewer surprises. You are also going to require a good support system that consists of a “Battalion of Foot-Soldiers”. For example, you will need:

A Legal Team that understands how to deal with high-conflict narcissistic behaviour during the legal process.

A Trauma Therapist that understands narcissistic victim abuse.

Your family Doctor for monitoring your physical health throughout the process.

A contact person at one of the Domestic Violence Support Service (someone you can call on if you find yourself in immediate danger and need shelter).

Support from the children’s school, who can flag any changes in the children’s behaviour (due to stress).

A Forensic Accountant to uncover any hidden assets you may be entitled to (because the narcissistic partner will generally try to deny you your fair share of the assets).

YOU MUST BECOME BATTLE-READY BY KNOWING YOURSELF

It is not advisable to take on this type of divorce alone, because you are no match for the manipulating pathological narcissist. A therapist will be especially helpful for getting you emotionally healthy for dealing with your narcissist partner in the Court-room. Importantly, they will help you to stay proactive rather than reactive to the narcissist’s power games. Remember, with the help of a well-informed team, you can change your responses to the narcissist’s behaviour, and get some power and control into your fighting corner. Your therapist can also help you to get to know yourself, your strengths and weaknesses, and show you how to establish good boundaries. They will also support you through the definitive decision of going “no contact”. They will also provide a safe space when you are vulnerable and need to deal with your ongoing fear and emotional pain (i.e. especially when you are worried about the toll the process is having on the children). The children may be at the seat of your confusion, causing you to question if you are doing the right thing for them by divorcing their dad. That is why it is important for the victim to remind themselves of the extent of the abuse they experienced while in the relationship. They must remember how the abuse impacted on them and the children negatively, leaving them all walking on eggshells around the abuser.

YOU MUST BECOME BATTLE READY BY KNOWING YOUR ENEMY

By studying your enemy, you will discover there is inherent predictability to the narcissist’s behaviour. Generally, if you leave them to their own devices, they will “self-destruct”. But for sure, when your narcissist realises you mean business, their abusive behaviour will escalate. They will use any means they can to weaken your resolve and create havoc. They will provoke fear in you, especially concerning the children. They are so grandiose that they still think they have the power to manipulate you and reel you back into the relationship. Although you may not realise it, without you, your narcissist vulnerable ego is likely to go into “free fall”. In the panic of their narcissistic wounding (rejection and abandonment by you) they will create dramas all around them; in their familial relationships, their work-place, their friendships, etc. Without you as a buffer, other people will (in time) find your narcissist difficult to handle and may start pulling away. This is especially so when they feel they have been used as the narcissist’s “flying monkeys” to do their bidding. Or they tire of listening to the narcissist’s endless character assassination and smear campaign of you, and the constant unrealistic demands made on them. Once the narcissist feels out of control, they begin to show themselves as the hollow, empty, wounded children they truly are. Others do not know what to make of their behaviours. Remember, unlike you, they never saw this side of the narcissist’s covert behaviour before. As the narcissist’s rage increases, they are unable to disguise the brittleness and shallowness of their emotions, and how everything is always about them. However, all this can work to the victim’s advantage in the long-run,if you can stay calm.

HOW DO NARCISSISTS DEAL WITH DIVORCE?

Generally, not very well, that is why they set out to break you and win everything. You have caused your narcissistic partner a “narcissistic injury” by wanting to divorce them, and now you must pay. No matter how nice they may appear at times, you must never forget that they will want revenge for your action. As far as they are concerned, they are the victim (not you). But this is also a serious game that brings them a great deal of drama and narcissistic supply; therefore, they thrive on their game plan (i.e. their lies, false accusations, delay tactics, seduction of the Court, etc.). Don’t let their behaviour get in your way, because they often expose themselves through their mind-games. For example, in the Courtroom, they will lie and try to cause endless delays by not conforming to the judge’s orders. But their behaviours will not go unnoticed by the Judge. You need to remember to stay calm as your narcissist does all in their power to grind you and your legal team down. Don’t let your narcissist rattle you, because you need the Judge to see you as having a sound mind; not mad or mentally ill, as the narcissist is trying to make out. Let your narcissistic partner show their true colours as they set out to win the battle. Give them enough rope so they hang themselves in front of both legal teams. Furthermore, narcissist’s do not care how much this all costs them financially, they are in their protective grandiose fantasy world while on stage in Court. You also need to know, that even when you win, they tend to want to bring you back into court whenever you have any dispute (i.e. child support issues, or when not happy with children’s schedules, etc.). Unfortunately, while the narcissist is in your children’s lives, you will find you have to document everything (for years ahead) …. “just in case”. Your solicitor/lawyer will guide you in this area, as documentation pays off with the Judges each time you have to go through the courts.

PLAY TO YOUR STRENGTHS, AND USE YOUR NARCISSIST’S WEAKNESSES

When divorcing a narcissist, you must know what you are dealing with, and play to your strengths, because victims of narcissistic abuse are very resilient and can rise when they need to. When you play to your strengths (i.e. your humility, your kindness, your empathy, your sense of fair play, your resilience, etc.) you gain the respect of the Courts, you also show up the narcissist’s lack of respect for the Courts. Remember, the narcissists use the following 9 criteria as their defence mechanisms to support their fragile ego. These criteria can also be seen as weaknesses and can be used against them when at war with them. For example: –

(1) Their grandiose sense of self makes them think they are smarter than you and everybody else. Everything has to be about them, and that will show itself in the Courtroom.

(2) They need to have power and control in every situation. So, when they fail, they become emotionally dysregulated. That is when they are likely to fly into a rage and expose themselves to the Court.

(3) They believe they are “special” and can only be understood by other special people. In their mind they and their team are superior to you and your inferior team. So when you challenge them as a spouse or parent, it creates deep shames in them (they do not take criticism well).

(4). They demand excessive amounts of praise or admiration from others. So, you can exploit this weakness in them by giving them some praise, especially when you want to give yourself a better chance of getting something you want from them. For example, you could say “He/she is exceptional in business, or they are very patient with the animals at home.”

(5). They feel entitled to automatic compliance or favourable treatment from others. So, each time you or your team scores a point in Court, their sense of entitlement will be badly injured.

(6). They are exploitative towards others. So, if they sense any weakness in you, they will take advantage and exploit it.

(7). They have no empathy for anybody (including their children), therefore no conscience for the distress they cause their family.

(8). They are very envious, and think others are envious of them. For example, that will show if you have managed to get the barring order against them, and you are still in the house living your normal life. You can expect that they will try to damage the relationship between you and the children. Envy can be seen in the way they often cause parent alienation (PA),

(9). They “have an attitude” or frequently act in haughty or arrogant ways. They see themselves above the rules that apply to ordinary people, this will be seen in the way they lie and try to manipulate the Courts.

CAN YOU NEGOTIATE WITH A NARCISSIST?

Generally, the answer is “no”. That is why knowing this information prepares the victim spouse to be better emotionally equipped to enter the divorce process and face their adversary knowing that they will stop at nothing to win. With this type of personality disorder “The Gloves are off”, their only goal is to WIN. I hope by the time you go to Court that you have educated yourself about narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). That you are realising that your narcissist is not going to be amicable when it comes to the divorce process. That you have searched for a Divorce Lawyer and a Psychotherapist that understands P.T.S.D. and narcissistic abuse. Ideally, you will have managed to get your Support Team in place before the divorce proceedings begin. That you are working on getting a barring order to remove the narcissist from the home, or with look, you may already have achieved that. If so, expect the narcissist to try to “hoover” you, or use friends and family as “flying monkeys” to help them get back into the home. Pick your battles wisely, there may be times when it feels prudent to give your partner something they want, let them feel that they won that round. You set your boundaries as best you can, and stick to them. And don’t forget to set a habit of tending to your self-care as you move along the process (i.e. meditation, nice hot baths, massage, walk in the fresh air, engage with good company, etc.). So here are 14 tips to prepare you for the battle ahead.

14 TIPS YOU NEED TO KNOW NOT ONLY FOR DIVORCING A NARCISSIST, BUT FOR SURVIVING A NARCISSIST:

NARCISSISTS TAKE THE LOW ROAD, SO ANTICIPATE THAT THEY WILL TELL LIES: While narcissists will lie through their teeth, they cleverly weave nuggets of truth into their story that embellish their lies. This makes their lies more powerful and believable to any listener. You must make sure to take the High Road by sticking with the truth of the facts, otherwise, the narcissists will skilfully unravel your story.

NARCISSISTS PLAY TO WIN GLORIOUSLY: Remember that narcissists are shame-prone, so no matter what the cost to you (or the children) narcissists need to win big. Therefore, expect their dirty deeds and their need to fight to the death.

NARCISSISTS ARE DEVOID OF EMPATHY & PLAY BY FOUL RULES: Narcissists have total disregard for others and play by their own rules. Their lack of empathy leaves them without much conscience, so it will not matter if you or the children get hurt.

POWER & CONTROL IS CENTRAL TO THE NARCISSIST’S GAME: Unlike most people, narcissists are grandiose. Therefore, they do not fear to go into Court, it feeds their need for narcissistic supply, where they are the centre stage of attention.

NARCISSIST’S SET OUT TO DEFEAT & DESTROY THEIR FOE: Narcissists are black & white thinkers; you are either with them (friend) or against them (foe). If you are an enemy, they are not happy unless they destroy you, and what better way to destroy someone than with a court-room full of witnesses and drama. They thrive on the drama.

NARCISSISTS WOULD RATHER SPEND HUGE SUMS OF MONEY IN THE COURTS THAN SETTLE PRIVATELY OUT OF COURT: Rather than working things out with the partner, they would rather drag them back to court at every opportunity, and of course, at the same time, use up the partner’s financial resources. They do not want their partner to gain in any way, so negotiating with them is almost impossible. If they have to agree on something, they feel they are being controlled. So, perversely, having the Judge decide on every outcome saves them losing face in the world (they can say, “It was the Judge’s decision.”. This is especially important if the partner manages to get a good settlement, then the narcissist can blame the Courts for victimising them.

KEEP YOUR LEGAL-TEAM INFORMED AT EVERY STAGE: Especially keep your lawyer informed as to what you expect the narcissist’s next move to be. Do not underestimate your instinct and knowledge, so don’t give away all your power to your legal team. Sometimes you know more about your partner than they do. Just keep in mind that they are working for you.

DOCUMENT EVERYTHING AS YOU GO THROUGH THE PROCESS: Also, keep copies of any communication your partner tries to have with you (i.e. emails, texts, voicemail, etc.), because they can always be altered by your partner. Screenshot any social media messages, because they can be easily deleted. This evidence may be vital for the courts if you find yourself getting into a “he said/she said” scenario.

ABOVE ALL ELSE, STAY CALM, ESPECIALLY IN THE COURTS: Narcissists will do their best to make you lose control, especially in the Courtroom. This serves them well and backs up what they are saying about you. The less emotional you are in the Court-room, the better. If need be, you can always practice “restraining yourself” through role-play with your therapist.

DO NOT MAKE DISPARAGING REMARKS ABOUT YOUR PARTNER TO THE CHILDREN: If they love their Daddy/Mummy, this will push them into protecting them in their absence, and that is not fair. Leave the mudslinging to your partner, and soon the children will see through their behaviour.

DO “NO CONTACT” WITH YOUR NARCISSISTIC PARTNER: This gives your brain a chance to cool down and be more rational where it matters (i.e. when with your legal team or in the Court-room). If you must have contact, do this through your legal team.

MAKE A PLAN OF WHAT YOU NEED FROM THE DIVORCE: Think how you want to divide your assets for moving on and giving the children what they need for a smoother transition. Know what you are willing to give up, and what you are not willing to give up. However, do not expect your partner to be reasonable, but stick to your plan no matter how difficult it is.

DO NOT WASTE TIME BLAMING YOURSELF FOR FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOUR NARCISSIST. You now know that they use the Idealisation Phase to seduce, love-bomb, and gaslight you into their web of deception. It was not even personal; it is just their nature. Show yourself some self-compassion.

STAY FOCUSED ON WHY YOU ARE GETTING A DIVORCE: Remind yourself of the narcissist’s covert aggression (i.e. their gaslighting (toying with your sense of reality), their ambient abuse (instilling irrational fear in you), their coercive control (taking away your freedom). These are all the ways your narcissist robbed you of your “liberty”. In time, these behaviours keep the victim imprisoned in a jail without bars. Although divorcing a narcissist is probably the hardest thing you will ever do, with a good support team, determination and a lust for freedom, you will be glad you persevered to the end.

Narcissistic Abuse: Signs, Effects, & Treatments

Signs of Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissists have an arsenal of tactics to destroy their partner’s reality and confidence to gain or keep control over the relationship or marriage. They may make you feel like you’re crazy, making it less likely that you will reach out to family and friends for help. A narcissist may use emotional, mental, physical, financial, spiritual, or sexual forms of abuse. Here are 25 signs of narcissistic abuse:

1. Gaslighting Gaslighting is the intentional act of making you distrust your views of reality or believe that you’re mentally unstable using specific targeted phrases to make you feel this way. Here are a few signs you are being gaslighted:

You no longer feel like the person you used to be

You feel like everything you do is wrong

You always think it’s your fault when things go wrong

You feel more anxious and less confident than you used to be

You often wonder if you’re being too sensitive

You often question whether your response to your partner is appropriate

You’re apologizing often

You have a sense that something’s wrong, but aren’t able to identify what it is

You make excuses for your partner’s behavior

2. Emotional Abuse Emotional abuse could include accusing, belittling, blaming, bullying, criticizing, demanding, ordering, raging, sarcasm, shaming, or threatening.

3. Projection Projection involves dumping their issues onto their victim instead of taking any blame. For instance, a narcissistic abuser may accuse their partner of lying when they have lied (this is sometimes referred to as “Deny, attack, reverse victim & offender“). Or they make a partner feel guilty when they’ve done nothing wrong. This creates confusion.

4. Twisting When a narcissist is confronted, they will twist it around to blame their victims for their actions. They will not accept responsibility for their behavior and insist that their victim apologize to them.

5. Lack of Empathy The lack of empathy or ability to feel and express emotions is the major reason why a narcissist’s relationships fail. In a healthy relationship, both partners care for each other’s well-being. In a narcissistic relationship, the non-narcissistic partner will not feel cared for and will show signs of sadness and loneliness.

6. Lying Persistent deception to avoid responsibility or to achieve the narcissist’s own ends.

7. Silent Treatment Narcissists punish by ignoring. Then they let their victim “off the hook” by demanding an apology even if they weren’t to blame. A narcissist may also have a history of cutting others out of their life permanently over small things.

8. Sabotage Disruptive interference with your endeavors or relationships for the purpose of revenge or personal advantage.

9. Grandiosity & Overstating Their Own Importance A narcissist’s grandiose sense of self-importance leaves no time or space for their partner or anyone else, leaving their partner feeling alone in the relationship.

10. Emotional Blackmail Emotional blackmail is another form of manipulation to make you feel fear, guilt, or doubt. They may use anger, intimidation, threats, warnings, or punishment to keep you in line.

11. Making Everything a Competition One-upping to always be on top, sometimes through unethical means, such as cheating in a game.

12. Love Bombing Love bombing involves demonstrating attention and affection in an attempt to influence someone. It can cause internal conflict and confusion to the narcissist’s partner.

13. Financial Abuse Financial abuse might include controlling you through economic domination or draining your finances through extortion, theft, manipulation, or gambling, or by accruing debt in your name or selling your personal property.

14. Privacy Invasion Ignoring your boundaries by looking through your things, phone, or mail; denying your physical privacy or stalking or following you; ignoring your request for privacy.

15. Arrogant & Superior Attitude Narcissists are incapable of connecting with other people’s feelings, causing their partner to feel unheard or ignored in the relationship. Over time, you will learn to not express your feelings or share the things that are happening in your life.

16. Character Assassination or Slander Spreading malicious gossip or lies about you to other people.

17. Negative Contrasting Unnecessarily making comparisons to put you in a negative light, pitting you against the narcissist or other people.

18. Sense of Entitlement Narcissists expect to receive special treatment. If you do not bow to their every wish or demand, they will act out. You may receive the “cold shoulder” or “silent treatment,” or be met with name calling or physical abuse.

19. Withholding This may include withholding such things as money, sex, communication, or affection from you.

20. Manipulative Behavior Narcissists are the masters of emotional manipulation. They will try to control your thoughts and desires. Making future promises and emotional blackmail are two forms of manipulation but gaslighting is most common. Manipulation causes confusion, low self-esteem, anxiety, shame, and guilt. You may also be manipulated to stay home, not go to work, engage in sexual acts, or spend money on the narcissist.

21. Playing the Victim Card When all else fails, the narcissist resorts to playing the victim card. This is designed to gain sympathy and further control behavior.

22. Ignoring Your Achievements Talking about your achievements will trigger a narcissist’s insecurities and jealousy. They will escape the topic by cutting you off or changing the conversation. They will talk negatively behind your back or make up lies to discredit you and your accomplishments.

23. Hoovering This term is used to describe a narcissist “sucking” someone back into a relationship, usually after a round of silent treatment.

24. Hogging the Conversation Narcissists love to talk about themselves. They will embellish and flat-out lie to make themselves look better than others or inflate their accomplishments. There is no room to talk about your accomplishments, nor do they care about them in the first place.

25. Exploitation People in their life are viewed as objects to meet the narcissist’s needs. They will take advantage of others without guilt or shame. They do not think about how their actions affect others, leaving their victims feeling unloved and uncared for.

The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse

The narcissistic abuse cycle is a pattern of highs and lows in which the narcissist confuses their partner through manipulation and calculated behaviors aimed at making their partner question themselves. Each phase in the cycle works in tandem with the other in order to keep someone entangled in the narcissist’s web. Narcissists tend to deflect all their feelings onto others because of the pain they feel about their own feelings. They too may have had narcissist caregivers or parents, or experienced some kind of abuse or traumatic event which shaped their upbringing. However, this is not an excuse for the emotional and/or physical abuse inflicted on their victims.

Effects of Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic abuse has both short and long-term effects no matter how long or short the involvement. This type of control and manipulation is slow, subtle, and deliberate. While narcissistic abuse syndrome is not a diagnosable disorder, the symptoms of the emotional pain can leave you feeling disconnected and confused. Narcissistic abuse is a form of trauma, and the body internalizes and reacts to stress and trauma in many ways. You may experience body aches, headaches, and digestive problems from feeling on edge. In addition to stress on the body, the brain is affected too. You may experience a wide range of issues after surviving narcissistic abuse, including:

Cognitive difficulties including confusion, hypervigilance, or intrusive thoughts

Behavioral issues including withdrawal, increase in alcohol or substance consumption, or a change in communication

Emotional problems like fear, guilt, or irritability

Depression

Anxiety

Exiting a Relationship With a Narcissist

You can never please a narcissist. You cannot make them happy because they are not happy with themselves. It is often best to end the relationship for your own mental health. Exiting a relationship with a narcissist can be challenging. At the end of a relationship, they may beg, make promises to change, lavish you with expensive gifts, or profess their undying love for you. But know that a narcissist never changes—they only get better at their craft. Remind yourself that you deserve better and are worthy of love.

Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

Healing from narcissistic abuse can be a long road to recovery, but you can heal and live a full happy life. Finding a therapist who is experienced in dealing with trauma can be the best place to start. If you are unable to leave the relationship, a therapist can help you learn to set boundaries and communicate effectively with the narcissist to reduce the pain and suffering of the relationship. A counselor or therapist can help you:

Work through denial, guilt and shame.

Process the grief of ending the relationship

Challenge your negative thoughts and feelings

Deal with depression, anxiety, or other mental health symptoms

Reclaim your identity

Forgive yourself

Understand your feelings

Build new coping skills

Tell others about the abuse

Fight the urge to contact or get back with the abuser

Overcome self-harming behaviors or thoughts of suicide