Life Setbacks and Failures of Narcissists

“That’s enough of me talking about myself - let’s hear you talk about me!” Anonymous narcissist

“It’s not easy being superior to everyone I know!” Anonymous narcissist

Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.” Here are eleven common narcissistic traits.

Conversation Hoarder Narcissists love to hear themselves talk, or hear others talk about them. They relish being the center of attention.

Conversation Interrupter Many narcissists like to interrupt and switch the focus of communication to him or herself. He or she shows little genuine interest in you.

Rule Breaker Enjoys getting away with violating rules and social norms, such as cutting in line, chronic under-tipping, or disobeying traffic laws.

“I take pride in persuading people to give me exceptions to their rules.” Anonymous narcissist

Boundary Violator Shows wanton disregard for other people’s thoughts, feelings, time, possessions, and physical space.

False Image Projection Likes to do things to impress others by making themselves look good externally.

“My accomplishments are everything.” Anonymous executive

“What my mother displays in public and how she really is are very different.” Anonymous

Entitlement Expects preferential treatment from others. Require others to cater (often instantly) to their needs, without being considerate in return. In their mindset, the world revolves around them.

“You’re sick? What about driving me to the mall?” Anonymous narcissist

CharmerNarcissists can be very engaging and sociable, as long as you’re fulfilling what they desire, and giving them all of your attention.

Grandiose PersonalitySome narcissists have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, thinking of oneself as a hero or heroine, a prince or princess, or one of a kind special person.

“Once again I saved the day - without me they’re nothing!” Anonymous narcissist

Superior/Inferior OrientationUnable to relate to individuals as equals. Narcissists either take an inferior position and defer to you, or a superior position and presume that they’re in some ways better than you. Both the superior and inferior postures are calculated to sway you to give them what they want – such is the purpose of relationships to them.

Negative EmotionsMany narcissists enjoy spreading and arousing negative emotions to gain attention, feel powerful, and keep you insecure and off-balance.

“Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others.” Paramhansa Yogananda

Manipulation: Use Others as Extension of Self Narcissists often make decisions for others to suit their own needs. The narcissist may use his or her romantic partner, child, friend, or colleague to meet unreasonable self-serving needs, fulfill unrealized dreams, or cover up self-perceived inadequacies and flaws.

Many narcissists are oblivious to their negative and often self-destructive behavioral patterns, which typically result in them experiencing life lessons the hard way. Below are eight common life setbacks and failures of narcissists. Negative consequence as the result of chronic narcissism may include one or more of the following:

1. Family Estrangement Multiple studies have examined the relationship between narcissism and difficult family relationships.

2. Divorce Research has also shown the tremendous negative impact narcissism has on romantic relationships and marriages.

3. Relationship Cut-Offs Since narcissists “use” rather than “relate”, they tend to leave many broken relationships behind. Narcissists also experience relationship dissolution from others feeling let down, disappointed, lied to, used, manipulated, violated, exploited, betrayed, ripped-off, demeaned, invalidated, or ignored.

4. Loneliness and Isolation Due to the first three factors described above, most narcissists have few, if any healthy, close and lasting relationships. Some higher-functioning narcissists achieve external success in life – at the expense of others – and find themselves lonely at the top.

5. Missed Opportunities From a lack of true substance and/or lack of connectedness.

6. Financial, Career, or Legal TroubleFrom rule breaking, gross irresponsibility, careless indulgence, or other indiscretions.

7. Damaged Reputation From personal and/or professional lack of credibility.

8. Deep-Seated Fear of Rejection / Being Unimportant Many narcissists are easily upset at a­ny real or perceived slights or inattentiveness. They are constantly hounded by the insecurity that people may not see them as the privileged, powerful, popular, or “special” individuals they make themselves to be. Deep down, many narcissists feel like the “ugly duckling”, even if they painfully don’t want to admit it.

Can a narcissist change for the better? Perhaps. But only if he or she is highly aware, and willing to go through the courageous process of self-discovery. For narcissists no longer willing to play the charade at the cost of genuine relationships and credibility, there are ways to liberate from falsehood, and progressively move toward one’s Higher Self.

Article from Psychology Today

Why do people stay in abusive relationships?

“Why Don’t They Just Leave?”

People who have never been abused often wonder why a person wouldn’t just leave an abusive relationship. They don’t understand that leaving can be more complicated than it seems. Leaving can be the most dangerous time for a victim of abuse because abuse is about power and control. When a victim leaves, they are taking their abuser’s control away and threatening their power, which could cause the abusive partner to retaliate in very destructive ways.

Aside from this danger, there are many reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. Below are just a few of the most common ones:

Fear: A person may be afraid of what will happen if they decide to leave the relationship.

Belief That Abuse is Normal: A person may not know what a healthy relationship looks like – perhaps they grew up in an environment where abuse was common. They may not recognize that their relationship is unhealthy.

Fear of Being Outed: If someone is in an LGBTQ relationship and has not yet come out to family and friends, their partner may threaten to reveal this secret.

Embarrassment or Shame: It’s often difficult for someone to admit that they’ve been abused. They may feel they’ve done something wrong by becoming involved with an abusive partner or worry that their friends and family will judge them.

Low Self-Esteem: When an abusive partner constantly puts a person down and blames them for the abuse, it can be easy for the victim to believe those statements to be true and that the abuse is their fault.

Love: So often, the victim feels love for their abusive partner. They may have children with them and want to maintain the family unit. Abusive people can be charming, especially at the beginning of a relationship, and the victim may hope that their partner will go back to being that person. They may only want the violence to stop, not for the relationship to end entirely.

Cultural/Religious Reasons: Traditional gender roles supported by someone’s culture or religion may influence them to stay in an abusive relationship rather than end it for fear of bringing shame upon their family.

Language Barriers/Immigration Status: If a person is undocumented, they may fear that reporting the abuse will affect their immigration status. Also, if their first language isn’t English, it can be difficult to express the depth of their situation to others.

Lack of Money/Resources: Financial abuse is common and a victim may be financially dependent on their abusive partner. Without money, access to resources, or even a place to go, it can seem impossible for them to leave the relationship. This feeling of helplessness can be especially strong if the person lives with their abusive partner.

Disability: When someone is physically dependent on their abusive partner, they can feel that their well-being is connected to the relationship. This reliance could heavily influence their decision to stay in an abusive relationship.

Signs and Symptoms after Abuse

It is not uncommon to not recognize that we are/have been abused. We realize that something is wrong but it can be hard to determine exactly what the issue is or where it stems from. We can rationalize abuses as being our own fault, bad luck, or any other false creation our mind can conjure up. Until we come to terms with what has or is happening, we cannot begin to heal. If you are suffering or know someone who is exhibiting the signs or symptoms of abuse, please take the time to address the issue and get the help you/they need.

Based on the severity of the abuse, these signs and symptoms may last only a few days or they could have an effect for many years. Everyone heals and deals with abuse differently; some may hide their scars better than others. You are not expected to manage this pain alone and often professional help is necessary.

Signs and Symptoms include:

*Cognitive

confusion

nightmares

uncertainty

hypervigilance

suspiciousness

intrusive images

blaming someone

poor problem solving

poor abstract thinking

poor attention / decisions

poor concentration memory

disorientation of time or place

heightened or lowered alertness

difficulty identifying objects or people

increased or decreased awareness of surroundings

*Behavioral

withdrawal

antisocial acts

inability to rest

intensified pacing

decreased activity

erratic movements

change in social activity

change in speech patterns

loss or increase of appetite

hyperalert to environment

increased alcohol consumption

change in usual communications

*Emotional

fear

guilt

grief

panic

denial

anxiety

agitation

irritability

depression

intense anger

apprehension

emotional shock

emotional outbursts

feeling overwhelmed

loss of emotional control

inappropriate emotional response

*Physical

chills

thirst

fatigue

nausea

fainting

twitches

vomiting

dizziness

weakness

chest pain

headaches

elevated BP

rapid heart rate

muscle tremors

shock symptoms

grinding of teeth

visual difficulties

profuse sweating

weight loss or gain

difficulty breathing

Healing is not a linear, straightforward science. Congratulations on taking the first step by beginning to learn what abuse is and how it may relate to you. Use the resources available on this site and find the help that is best for you. Feel free to reach out. Continue moving forward but don’t expect the problem to be solved tomorrow. Long-term abuse takes a long time to heal and it is always wise to seek professional help.

Learn the Language of the Narcissists World.

As you begin your journey into the discovery of what a narcissist is, you will focus on what happened, how you seem to attract them, and most importantly, how to heal. When I was just learning about narcissists, NPD, and sociopaths, I found there was an entire cast of characters in this NarcWorld. In NarcWorld, we have plenty to learn so here is an initial list.

NarcSpeak - Narctionary - Types of Narcissists

Somatic Narcissists – Fixated on their body and appearance. They are often seductive and are pathological cheaters. To them, sex is a weapon.

Cerebral Narcissist – Take great pride in their intellect and are incredibly convincing. They are master manipulators.

Covert Narcissist – These Narcissists do not fit the mold of your standard Narcissist. In fact, they often come across like the exact opposite. They tend to be charming, likable, and humble. Making it very difficult to recognize, as they are often very convincing.

Overt Narcissist – Tend to fit the mold of what a narcissist presents like. These individuals are larger-than-life, arrogant, often loud and boisterous, love to be the center of attention, and often come across as obnoxious to most people.

Classic Narcissist – A person whose set of behaviors are characterized by a pattern of grandiosity, self-centered focus, need for admiration, self-serving attitude and a lack of empathy or consideration (remorse) for others.

Delusional Narcissist – Very grandiose in their beliefs and are often full of stories that are so over-the-top that rarely do other people believe them.

Malignant Narcissist – An (unofficial) term that describes the type of Narcissism that is in the middle of the (unofficial) Narcissistic spectrum.

Cluster B: Refers to a grouping of personality traits in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Illness (DSM). These traits are broadly described as dramatic, erratic and emotional. Within the Cluster B are four of the ten recognized personality disorders: Borderline, Narcissistic, Histrionic, Antisocial.

Do you have a narcissistic sibling?

Criteria for any narcissist.

The disorder begins by early adulthood and is indicated by at least five of the following to be medically diagnosed as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

An exaggerated sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

Believes he/she is “special” and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

Requires excessive admiration

Has a sense of entitlement

Selfishly takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends

Lacks empathy

Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him

Shows arrogant, haughty, patronizing, or contemptuous behaviors or attitudes

DOES YOUR NARCISSISTIC BROTHER OR SISTER DO THESE BEHAVIORS/SIGNS?

Your narcissistic brother believes they are more important than you are and that they deserve to be recognized in the family lineage as smarter, more successful than you. Were there any family jokes about them being better looking than you or smarter? Being the superior off-spring, they feel entitled to everything from the parent’s attention, to the better education, better job, better spouse and better kids. They might feel entitled to your money; some narcissists are successful where they tend to live parasitically off others and you might have been one of their victims.

Does your sister have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of you or others? The lack of empathy is most clear in a narcissistic sibling when they cannot conceive of the harm they have caused you. They may be unable to hear stories of your struggles or illness, but you must listen to theirs. Have you noticed that your sibling has no interest in hearing about the great things in your life? It can go both ways with no empathy for your struggles or strengths.

When your sister is a pathological liar she will lie to exaggerate her own achievements and talents. The narcissistic lies start off gradually at first and snowball into crazy off-the-chart stories. Over time the stories become harder and harder to believe and you will start to see the lies; in fact things just don’t add up or make sense. When you press her for more details (fact checking) she will get angry at you for questioning her and then you are to blame. Lies are often told about you. Stories told are designed to hurt your reputation and your place in the family.

Was your brother always looking for you or your parents to tell them how great he was? It can be relentless and exhausting to listen to or compete with this constant need of excessive admiration. Was he self-boastful and a bit pretentious with his mission to make sure everyone knew how great he was?

Your sibling is extremely envious of you despite the constant put downs, and they believe you are envious of them. They will never show that they know you are better than them unless the situation requires them to charm someone; if this happens then you are being used as a pawn to make them look like a good brother. You should never interpret this as a real compliment. Your brother has always considered you his “rival” and in his eyes he must do anything to win the parents’ attention away from you.

Being entitled to get all the attention. The narcissistic sibling will monopolize conversations to show everyone how important they are. There are different ways they do this: they can boast about themselves, pull the sympathy card to get everyone to sympathize with them or they can use illness to get attention or ruin parties. If they are successful, they will shower people with gifts to show how caring, generous and fruitful they are. Either way they are getting the attention.

A narcissistic sibling will take advantage of others with cunning style and charm so people never see what hit them. They use this tactic to get what they want, but you will not see this behavior if there is no gain for them. They are not charming; they can be pure evil.

Like all narcissists, they use masks to play various roles depending on who they are with and what they need to do to control them. One of the most common masks is that of the innocent victim. This role is used when they want attention from mommy or daddy and again will be used later in life to manipulate people into giving them what they want. Other masks may include playing the role of perfect daughter or even perfect sibling. This is where it gets confusing because you see this side of her and think this is the ‘real’ her and behind closed doors all hell breaks loose and she reverts to the lying, denying sister.

Overtly or covertly, the narcissistic sibling has been sabotaging you your whole life. They may have tried to get you taken out of the family will? The lies and secrets revealed were done to alienate you from the family and possibly get the family money they feel they are entitled to.

Did your brother triangulate, spin stories or tell half-truth lies to alienate you from your other siblings or your parents? Triangulation is the art of pitting people against each other – using lies and manipulation tactics. The goal here is to not have the other family members unite against them. If they tell you lies about your other sibling and tell them lies about what you “said”, they are pitting you against each other. If the narcissist can keep everyone else in small little wars against each other then they become the sane one, the peaceful one and no one can see the pulling puppet strings of manipulation. Each side is pitted against the other and the only winner is them, and that is because they leave a wake of chaos in this path. Victims of triangulation feel betrayed and don’t know who to trust. Note: if you had a narcissistic parent, they probably started the triangulation game early in life with the goal of keeping the siblings apart because even if you were strong then together you would have had more confidence to stand up together and the narcissistic parent would have had no control over any of you.

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO HAVE A NARCISSISTIC SIBLING?

Do you enjoy being around them? This is usually the first sign you know something is wrong. Many sibling victims do not enjoy time with their siblings. It’s exhaustive and takes so much energy to keep up the charade of playing the game of “I know” what you did and who you are, but I will still sit and eat Thanksgiving dinner with you. Anxiety before you see them in anticipation and dread of the depression you will have at yourself for allowing this to ruin another holiday is another tell-tale sign. The non-narc sibling often feels obligated because they do not want to risk isolating themselves from other family members, so they break bread and endure another holiday.

Is it hard to talk to your narcissistic brother or sister? Does your head spin like you are being served “word salad”? Word salad is a term for conversations that go around and around in many directions with nonsense arguments that just don’t make sense. Think of Gaslighting and mix it with a dash of confusion, lies, and crazy and you have word salad. Do they always bring up things from the past to use against you? Are your conversations blame-game conversations?

Are you always the loser? Is your role to never win when arguing? Narcissistic siblings always need to win, so by default that means you always need to lose. Even when evidence comes into play, perhaps you got a better grade or job, expect that they will seek to devalue your achievements. Narcissistic siblings will often put you down and tell lies about you to take away “your win”. If the spotlight dances on you and you gain praise from parents and family, expect them to toss out an old argument or thing you did when you were six. They are happy to smear your name whenever that light shines. This leaves a sibling victim always feeling they need to compete for any attention, depressed and never being able to measure up.

Is your sibling unable to accept accountability? Nothing is ever their fault. Think back to childhood. Did your sister always blame you for things she was doing? Did she leave the dog outside and then blame you? Does your sister still today blame everyone else for her own choices? As an adult, the narcissistic sibling has not learned that it’s okay to make a mistake, because to them making a mistake and admitting it will make them less then perfect. Perfect is the mask they want to world to see.

The secret dance When your brother first asked you to do his homework but not tell anyone, the dance began. From that point you were probably covering up so many secrets you couldn’t keep track. If you did tell the secret, you probably paid the price of possibly being physically abused or verbally tortured, so you learned it was easier to go along with their lies to keep the peace. Later in life the secret game masks their fails and protects their lies.

Are you dealing with sibling rivalry? Are your narcissistic siblings always in competition with you? In childhood and in a dysfunctional home, rivalry amongst siblings is encouraged as sort of a competition to push the weaker one to be more like their stronger brother or sister. Competition in sports among rival teams is in many ways accepted practice. Sibling rivalry can drive siblings to no longer want to spend time with each other because it is so painful to live in this role.

Are you the crazy one? To make themselves always look like the perfect child they will create stories about you to make you look like the crazy one. This can be overt where they are outright smearing your name and telling people you are crazy, or they could be more covert and be very subtle using tactics like creating an argument to make you look unstable or telling complete lies about you to people. This tactic is crazy making because victims are forced to defend themselves against these false accusations.

Do they honor your boundaries? Most narcissists are boundary violators and the reason for this is quite simple – they are entitled not to need to comply with your wishes. It probably started early in life where you didn’t even understand you were setting boundaries. For example, if you picked the chocolate cupcake and they picked another flavor. Later at night after dinner they decided they wanted the chocolate cupcake, they created a fuss and mom or dad ordered you to be nice to your brother and let him have the chocolate cupcake. It starts off slowly and you were trained that giving in is the easiest way to get through life.

Has your narcissistic sibling betrayed your confidence? Personal example: During my divorce, my sister had stepped up to be there for me against my husband. She was uncharacteristically friendly, open, listening and caring. This built trust in our sisterhood again and I conveyed what my lawyers were planning to do and what information I was being asked to disclose. I should have suspected something because she hadn’t been nice in years, but I was vulnerable and in great isolation being 2000 miles away from my core support system, so I trusted her again. I never suspected that she was playing double-agent, relaying my secret divorce tactics back to my husband. They were never close, in fact, he really hated her, so I would have never believed they would team up. I never saw it coming when my lawyer informed me that she had offered to testify against me. She was after his money and hoped that being a snitch would give her some financial gain. She never made it to the stand or (to my knowledge) get anything out of him. She didn’t realize she was up against a sociopath mother in-law that was just using her to extract what they needed and then she was discarded. Her lies and efforts went to good use in ruining me and giving them advanced knowledge so they could counter attack.

Can you think back to times your brother or sister betrayed you? How did it feel? Did you trust them again like I did? If you did, please don’t blame yourself. You were fooled by a con-artist that knew more about you then you did. Going forward you will need to decide if they are trustworthy and even then, you need to always be careful to trust or reveal any information. Keep it light and remember to give them as little personal information as possible so you are not giving them data that they can betray you with.

WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOUR SIBLING SHOWS SIGNS OF THESE BEHAVIORS?

Never tell them you think they are a narcissist This tactic never ends well. You are dealing with someone with no ability to care about you and are willing to up the game to destroy you, no matter what the cost. This is a secret you will need to keep from them. When a narcissist feels like the game is up, the mask has fallen and you are no longer going to be under their control, then the game changes and they will do everything to hurt you: the lies and the smears will reach epic proportions. Try to avoid this common mistake.

Protect yourself and listen to your intuition There is no one that can tell you whether to have your sibling in your life but you. Ask yourself what types of behaviors you are willing to allow from your sibling and be honest with yourself to examine if they can keep their end of your guidelines. Your intuition has always been warning you of the dangers; now tap into that and listen to it.

Set better boundaries The boundaries we tried to set as children didn’t work. To set a proper boundary you need to clearly define what it is that you do not want them to do anymore. Then decide a consequence if they violate it. It is so important to set something that is possible. If you tell them if they violate your boundary again that you will…. Make sure it’s enforceable. Then communicate to them the boundary, because if you don’t tell them and you keep this only in your head then it’s not a boundary, it’s a wish. They need to hear it for it to be a proper boundary. Then, if they violate it again you must be willing to enforce the consequence or they will begin the walking all over you again game.

Often going no contact is your only solution Narcissists do not like to play by a new set of rules and narcissistic siblings that have had a lifetime of using you as a punching bag will not go down without a fight. The game you are playing now (self-healing) will piss them off and they may begin to jack up the pain and smears, in which case evaluate going completely no contact. It may not be easy to never see your sibling again because of family events that you may need to skip if they are there. Understand what the price will be of this choice. Not a day goes by that I don’t wonder about my sisters, but I know I am finally healing because of the drama being gone. If you cannot go completely no contact, then learn Grey Rock techniques to manage the exposure you will have with them going forward. Only when you are free from the narcissistic sibling are you free to heal and release the drama.

From the Narcissist Abuse Support Website