Unspoken Rules of Engagement in the Narcissistic Family

As in other kinds of dysfunctional families, there is abuse and corresponding denial of the abuse. There is also secrecy, neglect, unrealistic expectations, an impoverishment of empathy, disrespect for boundaries, and ongoing conflict.

Unspoken Rules in the Narcissistic Family

Narcissistic homes have unspoken rules of engagement that dictate interactions among family members:

1. Acceptance Is Conditional To gain acceptance, you must comply with the family narrative and value system. Expressions of difference are rejected and pathologized.

2. Submission Is Required Everyone is expected to submit to the dominant narcissist’s authority, no matter how ignorant, arbitrary, cruel, or destructive it is.

3. Someone Must Be Blamed for Problems When something bad happens, from a lost job to a spilled glass of milk, someone must be blamed for it. Typically there is a family scapegoat who is made to bear the main burden of the family’s problems, frustration, and unhappiness, as well as the dominant narcissist’s projected self-loathing.

4. Vulnerability Is Dangerous Mistakes, accidents, and weaknesses, even ones you take responsibility for, are cause for shaming treatment that can persist for years.

5. You Must Take Sides Just as there is always blame and shame, there are always sides, and if you are not on the dominant narcissist’s side you are wrong. Children often feel forced to choose between parents, siblings, and other family members.

6. There Is Never Enough Love and Respect to Go Around Renewable resources in healthy families, love and respect are limited to the narcissist and whomever else is deemed worthy, usually a favored “golden” child. Respect for one person means disrespect for another.

7. Feelings Are Wrong The feelings that make us human, help us connect and get our needs met, and protect us from harm are selfish and must be repressed. Only the narcissist has free rein to express feelings, have emotional reactions, and make demands.

8. Competition, Not Cooperation, Rules the Day One-upmanship, favoritism, and constant comparison create a harshly competitive environment that undermines trust and breeds hostility and betrayal.

9. Appearances Are More Important Than Substance Even if everyone is suffering, they must smile for the family photo.

10. Rage Is Normalized Everyone is expected to swallow and endure the dominant narcissist’s irrational, explosive, and perhaps also violent rage. This may be magnified by other forms of mental illness and/or addiction.

11. Denial Is Rampant To sustain the dominant narcissist’s control over the family, there is denial of

abusive incidents

the continual atmosphere of fear

the ongoing mistreatment of the scapegoat

routine forms of neglect

12. There Is No Safety Although the scapegoat is targeted with the most abuse, everyone is on hyperalert because no one is safe from blame and rage.

How and Why Narcissists Get Worse with Age

Why does it seem that narcissists get worse with age?

Aging is hard. Losing our vitality and facing our mortality can be scary and painful. But we discover upsides, like reaping the fruits of our personal and professional labors, recognizing our core values and releasing shallow pursuits, and enjoying long-term connections with family and friends. But for the narcissistic personality, gratitude is difficult and aging tends to heighten feelings of vulnerability, fear, and rage.

Bitterness

Instead of maturing, mellowing, and gaining wisdom, narcissists, unless helped with treatment (which is unusual), remain emotionally stunted children whose deficient empathy and self-centered neediness intensify with aging. They view growing old as a series of ravaging defeats that they struggle against with denial and resentment or submit to with depressed resignation.

Having relied heavily on externalities such as their looks, wealth, fame, connections, or professional achievements to fortify their fragile self-esteem, older narcissists find themselves increasingly stripped of their defenses and diminished in their ability to charm, impress, bully, manipulate, and otherwise control others. Since narcissists nearly always refuse to take responsibility for their actions or circumstances, they grow bitter and feel victimized by life, blaming others for their disappointments.

Going to Extremes

Narcissists tend to age into extreme versions of their worst selves. And when dementia comes into the picture, it often exacerbates matters. As narcissists get worse with age, they become more;

desperate

deluded

isolated

paranoid

defensive

bitter

angry

rigid

mean

abusive

Isolation

Because of narcissists’ lack of compassion and their antagonism, as they age their relationships and friendships often falter or fail, leaving them lonely and isolated:

Spouses may have left or withdrawn to avoid their criticism and combativeness.

Adult children may have pulled away or cut contact altogether because of their toxic influence.

Their grandchildren may be estranged from them because their adult children have asserted boundaries to protect their families.

Friends may have pulled away because of their unmasked arrogance, selfishness, and envy.

Neighbors and other community members may have rejected them because of their callous behavior and rude assertions of superiority and entitlement.

Extended family may have excluded them because of their divisiveness.

Bigotry

As their personal power fades and their social sphere narrows, narcissists are more likely to look for scapegoats anywhere they can. Their increasingly desperate grandiose delusions often bring out bigotry and assertions of superiority over marginalized people, including other old people. Aging narcissists often express ageism, sexism, racism, and queerphobia to bolster themselves against their feelings of lost power over others.