The Narcissistic Mother & The Drama Triangle

The narcissistic mother takes pleasure in creating a situation where the siblings have to compete for her attention by unfair means. This can create jealousy between the siblings, making them become arch-enemies. Due to the deep emotional scars that the mother creates, there may be little connection between the siblings as they grow up. None of the narcissistic mother’s children realises that they are their mother’s puppets where the roles may switch at any time. Without any awareness, they will each take their turn of becoming either the persecutory villain, the victim or the rescuer in the drama triangle as their mother dictates the outcome of the family dynamics convoluted dance.

As the child of a narcissistic mother, one is going to find oneself caught in the Drama Triangle with the mother’s pathological conflict one way or another.

THE VICTIM STANCE: When we talk about the victim, we are not talking about an actual victim, but rather someone who is acting the victim. However, even though they are acting, they sincerely feel that they are being victimised, oppressed, hopeless, ashamed, etc….they are engaging in the “Poor me!” stance.

THE PERSECUTOR STANCE: The persecutor will go out of their way to control, blame, criticise. They will come across as being superior, self-righteous, angry, oppressive. No matter what happens, the persecutor will always insist that you are at fault.

RESCUER STANCE: The rescuer is the consummate enabler who suffers guilt if they don’t rescue the situation. Unfortunately, their rescuing can have adverse effects for the victim; it keeps them dependent on others and robs them of the experience of learning how to solve their problems.

For example, if the narcissistic mother enters into conflict with one of her children, she will see that child as her persecutor, and herself as the victim. She will always involve her other children in the conflict. She will expect them to rescue her and become her enabler and accomplice to further discredit her victimised child (unwittingly or wittingly). All three participants become drawn into, or even seduced, by the energy that the drama generates. Unfortunately, the real issue becomes obscured, and confusion escalates. The focus becomes on winning the argument rather than finding a solution to the problem. In reality, it is the narcissistic mother that is the persecutor who is abusing and exploiting both members of her family (i.e. it may be both siblings, or the father and a child). It is no mistake that the triangle shows the “Victim” at the top of the triangle on their own, while the narcissistic mother, the “Persecutor” sits at the broad end of the triangle with her “Rescuer” in allegiance with her. This loyalty causes divisions between each of her children and their father.

With the interlocking of the three roles, the actual victim is left confused at what has just happened. The fact that the mother is joined by her rescuer, (who unknowingly backs up every word of her manipulation), means that once again, the victim is left swimming in a pool of blame and shame, and they are yet again “the problem”.

This game of manipulation becomes the narcissistic mother’s lifestyle, and she will assume the role as victim, rescuer or persecutor whenever it suits her cause. If the children of the narcissistic mother continue to play this game with her, the Drama Triangle flourishes. If you are a child of a narcissistic mother, it is important to get familiar with how this works, and then refuse to engage in her destructive behaviour. One good way is to watch movies that illustrate the Drama Triangle in action, for example: –

Notes on a Scandal (2006)/Judy Dench

Shattered Glass/Hayden Christensen

House of Sand and Fog (2003)/ Jennifer Connelly, Ben Kingsley

Weight of Water (2000)/Sean Penn

RECOGNISING WHAT IS HAPPENING: When you can recognise what is happening in the relationship, the good news is that you can choose to get off the “drama triangle” (regardless of the role you find yourself in). When you do that, it changes the whole dynamic between you and the others in the family (or workplace, or friendships, etc.). Getting off the triangle calls for different action, and a willingness to negotiate putting down new boundaries when necessary. It also requires that we look more closely at our behaviour with curiosity and understanding. In that way, we remain connected to our self. This allows us to take decisive action, such as choosing to walk away from the situation rather than trying to defend ourselves from within the manipulated triangle, rather than becoming a persecutor ourselves.

The goal is to stay with the truth of the situation and allow others to behave according to their story. It does not matter if the stories do not match. What is important is that you liberate yourself through self-responsibility and truth. Not allowing yourself to get caught up in your mother’s Drama Triangle, where there is no room for truth.

Getting “off” the Drama Triangle is not something you do just once and it then it lasts for all time. Think of it more as a process, and not a final destination, where you will most likely find yourself getting on and off repeatedly with your narcissistic mother. As long as we stay in the drama, we allow ourselves to get caught up in all types of conflict that lock us into rigid and self-punishing roles that limit us beyond measure.

The Pathological Narcissist As Parent

When it comes to their children, because the narcissist lacks empathy, they make a terrible parent (both the male and the female parent). Rather than the child living through the parent, the parent lives through their child. Their children are little more than objects or possessions to them, to be used and controlled indiscriminately. The child is always in this parent’s shadow, with unreasonable expectations required of them, expectations that are designed to fulfill the narcissist’s selfish needs.

The children are there to serve them as co-narcissistic supply, and they will become extremely jealous at any signs of the child’s growing maturity and independence. Any independence in the child will be perceived as a threat, so it must be stamped out before it takes hold. They try to create a dependency in their children (i.e. emotional, physical, financial, and sexual, etc.) this helps to keep the child in servitude to them throughout their lives.

The hidden message is telling the child that they would not be able to manage out in the world on their own, so don’t even think about doing that, you are so useless you will get lost in the big world (Infantilisation). This becomes especially useful in older age when the pathological narcissistic parent finds themselves lonely and abandoned by most of their acquaintances.

These tactics erode the child’s confidence and keep them more pliable for narcissistic control. Of course, the time will come when the adult child will push for independence, and this will be a stormy time for both child and narcissistic parent (regardless of whether it is a father or mother).

For example, I know a boy when in his 20’s insisted on leaving his family home and moving in with his girlfriend. His narcissistic mother instantly felt rejected by her son, so she totally rejected and abandoned him in return. She refused to speak one word to him if he was with that young woman, and after a year the son returned home and complied with his mother’s wishes. He could no longer take the rejection of his narcissistic mother who completely cut him off. He ended the relationship with the girlfriend to please his mother and win back her love. He then, in his bid to please her and win her love, he had two tattoos with her name placed on his body. This thrilled her no end. Later, in his 30’s he did marry, but it was someone his mother approved of, a nice soft woman she could also control.

The child is also likely to experience competitive marginalisation (i.e. this involves constant nit-picking, criticism, being compared unfavourably to other siblings (or other children), unreasonable judgments, etc.). Commonly, this type of parent manipulates their children through guilting, blaming, shaming, reward and punishment (giving love as a reward and withholding love as a punishment), and emotional coercion.

To survive the trauma of this type of parental influence and withstand the harsh environment they find themselves living in, the child will learn to respond predominantly with one or two of four unconscious survival instincts (i.e. Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn). For example, they may decide to fight back against such tyranny (at their peril) or take flight by distancing themselves from that parent. Or they may choose to freeze, and by doing so they will substitute their chastised and invalidated True-self for a grandiose False-self persona.

Or finally, they may fawn, and seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs, and demands of their pathological narcissistic parent. In this way, to cope with their own narcissistic wounding due to such dysfunctional parenting, the child will either identify with that narcissistic parent, and possibly be conditioned to become a superior narcissist themselves in later life; or they will acquiesce to the narcissistic parent, and be conditioned in adopting the traits of the co-narcissist, where they become consummate caretakers throughout their entire life.

Either way, in effect, the child will find themselves parenting their pathological narcissistic parent in a role reversal dynamic until such time they manage to break free. Sadly, for as long as the child is under their narcissistic parents control they will experience crazy behaviours; they will be made to feel inferior, be criticised, made to feel guilty, humiliated in front of others, ignored, they will be always “walking on eggshells” wondering where the next reaction or mood of the narcissistic parent will lead.

They will be told to “grow up”, but when they try to assert themselves they will be slapped down. All these abusive victimizing behaviours are likely to hinder the adult child’s normal mental, emotional and social growth. The narcissistic parent cannot respond to their child’s needs, either emotionally or psychologically. Very often the child can sense that something is very wrong, unfortunately, they are unable to identify what the problem is while they are submerged in the terrible dysfunction.

Although they may feel frustrated with their parent, they may be afraid to show their true emotions for fear that they may lose the little connection they have with that parent. Children placed in this position are likely to react in one of three ways; they may either respond by becoming: –

1.The Conformer or Golden Child: They survive by people pleasing, conforming, being over-responsible, compliant, self-depreciating, and always catering to other’s needs.

2.The Rebel or Scapegoat Child: They survive by retaliating with a siege response, becoming rebellious, defiant, withdrawn, etc.

3.The Runner or Lost Child: Avoids conflict by lying low, doing what they can without becoming a threat or bringing negative attention to their selves.

A child may find themselves being placed in any (or all) of these positions at different times throughout their life, (i.e. being a Lost Child in the early years, until they excel in some way, they may then become the Golden Child who brings more attention for the narcissistic parent).

Whatever way each child adapts, this can have a significant deep-seated effect on the child’s self-esteem, self-concept, self-worth, and life satisfaction, which persists into adulthood.

What Makes A Self-Absorbed Narcissistic Mother?

Written by Christine Louis de Canonville

It is assumed that all mothers want to do the best for their children, but that is not always the case, definitely not the case when it comes to narcissistic mothers (as seen in the life of Joan Crawford and her daughter Christina). This raises the question, “What makes a good mother?”

It would seem to me that the ingredients required for being a good mother are the same ingredients that are required to be a good person generally (i.e. having empathy, being patient, kind and considerate, being able to admit when you are wrong, etc.). Also, it is important to be able to give and forgive, and to be able to go beyond the self to that of the other. Children are people too; they are just smaller and sometimes less able; therefore, they need a little more help and understanding. It is not a hard task to be a good mother, not when you focus on the essential requirements of a child. Being a good mother has nothing to do with being a superwoman, although many parents push themselves in that direction.

What Are The Healthy Attributes Of A Loving Mother?

Before you look at the self-absorbed narcissistic mother, it is important to know what makes a “good mother”. I consider that I had a wonderful, magical mother, a woman who loved being in the company of her children above all else, and was willing to give quality time to each of her children, and make happy memories that would last us a lifetime. But she was not silly, she knew each of us well, each with our different foibles, and she responded to our differences as well as our sameness accordingly. My mother was always supportive, encouraging each one of us to follow our dreams, and helping us to feel good about ourselves. She never made us feel a burden; she enjoyed being with us as much as we enjoyed being with her, and we knew that. She was sensitive to our needs, and never resorted to shaming us when we got things wrong. Making a mistake was always allowed. In fact, our mistakes were seen as great teachers that we could learn from, and we learned this from very young. Not being afraid to make a mistake allowed us also be able to apologise when we got things wrong.

Mum taught us to be optimistic; she always mirrored to us that her glass was half full, not half empty. Even though she had five living children of different ages, she was in perfect attunement with each of us. She always allowed us to be age appropriate in the tasks she set us, therefore, never fostering premature independence upon us. This built confidence and emotional intelligence and helped us not to be afraid of making our decisions when we felt ready. She delighted in our self-expression, whether it was through music, art, dance, writing, cooking, anything that gave us pleasure; and expanded our interest and growth.

In my case, I was making my clothes from age 13 (Mum was a wonderful seamstress that I learned from), and she never criticised my attempts at fashion, no matter how independent or bizarre my thinking was. She would offer her help, but if I refused it, she would respect that, and leave me to figure things out for myself. Of course, there were times when I made a mess of things, but she would wait for me to ask for her help, and then give it lovingly. She encouraged each of us to be independent thinkers; she even told us not always to follow like sheep, but to sometimes take the lead, and whenever I did take the lead she was very patient with my decisions. She did not make too many rules, but she would take the time to explain the logic behind each rule, and then she would expect us to adhere to that rule. She was clever, the few rules she did make seemed to cover a multitude of behaviours that we understood would not be acceptable. We were all made very clear of the boundaries, but she was open to negotiating when the boundary needed shifting. For example, I knew what time I had to be home each night, but on special occasions (like a dance) I could negotiate getting an extension that was fair to me, and would keep me safe.

Mum inspired us to self-govern and take responsibility when we were out of her range, and she trusted us, to tell the truth, always. It was an unspoken law that if you did something wrong but told the truth, you may or may not be in trouble. However, if you lied, you would be in trouble, no two ways about that. This instilled a sense of truth in us all, and when asked if we had done some misdemeanour or not, we would be truthful regardless of the consequences. This worked well for keeping us safe, especially outside of the home. Mum was always consistent in her rules; therefore, we knew the guidelines well and lived by them. We grew up in a home where our parents were both respectful to each other, and that was extended down to us children. She was always there to listen to our problems, but she would give us the space to work those problems through without her interference. She neither judged us, nor indulged us, but we always knew we could depend on her support in doing the right thing. She was not one of those mothers who told us “wait until your father gets home”. If there were a problem with our behaviour she would deal with it on the spot, and then it would be forgotten. We were never sent to bed with the fear of punishment hanging over us or the fear of being pulled out of the bed from sleep to an angry parent. We trusted both our parents, and it was Mum who regularly encouraged us to stretch ourselves, and would celebrate each of our accomplishments with us. She did not spoil any of us with material possessions, but she shared all her love by giving us individual attention and stretching us to be the best we could be.

What Are The Attributes Of A Self-Absorbed Mother?

All of the above qualities are those of a mature mother with normal, healthy maternal nurturing instincts, a woman who is selfless, validates and loves her children unconditionally. She parents her kids with empathy and attunes into their inner emotional life as she prepares them for independent living when the time comes for them to leave the nest. A narcissistic mother, on the other hand, is the antithesis of the mother I described above. She presents with the following criteria: –

(1) She has a grandiose sense of self-importance.

(2) She is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, beauty, or ideal love.

(3) She believes that she is special and can only be understood by high status people.

(4) She require excessive admiration.

(5) She has a sense of entitlement.

(6) She is interpersonally exploitative and takes advantage of others to achieve her goals.

(7) She lacks empathy.

(8) She is envious of others, and believes that others are envious of her.

(9) She shows arrogant behaviour.

The narcissistic mother is a mother who, instead of nurturing her children, is self-centred and mainly focused on herself. Rather than taking care of herself, the narcissistic mother expects to be taken care of and therefore expects her children to respond to her needs, and make her feel like a real mother that is lovable, the best Mum ever. It is their job to hold the spotlight on her and keep her centre stage. Unfortunately, she does not trust her children or believe in their essential goodness. She is brittle, controlling, does not observe boundaries, never apologises or remembers her inappropriate behaviour, needs to be always right, will fly into rages at the speed of lightening, and project that anger onto her children. She frightens and upsets her children, and discourages their independence. She needs to be the centre of attention and is jealous or resentful if the children get attention from others. Her children are mere objects who represent her and show her in good light, but at the same time, she is envious of their accomplishments, gifts and talents. Her punishment is inconsistent and punitive, and she often uses the threat of abandonment to control them. All of this craziness serves to confuse her children and undermine their self-esteem. Of course, to the outside world everything is perfect, but behind closed doors, the child is exposed to the horror of a mother with a personality disorder. Where a narcissistic father is concerned with performance, the narcissistic mother’s emphasis is on appearance.

Therefore, if you are the child of a narcissistic mother, or if you are a therapist working with the adult child of a narcissistic mother, then you need to understand that you are dealing with the behaviour of a mother who acts from a different set of criteria than the healthy mother. As you can imagine, this disordered kind of parenting creates significant emotional damage to the child. Generally speaking, children of narcissistic mothers grow up insecure because they have not had their value mirrored back to them in a healthy way. Because they have always had to look after the mother’s needs, they become over responsible for everything; they go on to act out this behaviour in all their future relationships. Usually, they tend to be unaware of their needs and feelings, always putting others before themselves. When they do put themselves first, they are filled with guilt, worrying that they are inherently insensitive or selfish, and this makes them feel anxious, or even worthless. They become consummate “pleasers” and work hard to cater to other’s demands. They always take the blame for any interpersonal problems in their relationships. All of their adaptions are unconscious; therefore, they are unaware of their behaviour. However, they are the ones likely to be found in the therapy room, because they consider they are responsible for fixing themselves. So it is vital for therapists to understand how the narcissistic mother operates in the home, and may have contributed to the dysfunctional patterns displayed by the adult before you that is seeking your help.