Projection: When Someone Accuses You Of Doing What They’re Doing

Many of us experience this in toxic communications we have with others in our life, but we don’t quite have the right word or definition to describe it. Someone is accusing us of doing something that they are actually doing themselves, and it can be immensely irritating, especially if we can’t define the behavior or put a term to it. What is this kind of behavior called? As a general rule, when someone is accusing you of doing something that they’re doing, they are engaging in the psychological defence mechanism of projection. This is the attribution of things to others that are actually attributable to oneself, and is a way of avoiding taking ownership for one’s actions.

In psychological terms, projection often refers to mental phenomena like thoughts and feelings, but can also apply to physical attributes and actions. The person projecting is pushing what they don’t like about themselves (or what they did) onto someone else, as a way of denying this about themselves. Projection also crosses over closely with other terms like hypocrisy, gas-lighting, blame shifting and denial. When it happens occasionally, it isn’t always a cause for concern, because we are all prone to doing it every now and then, but when it is common within a relationship, it is time to look more closely into the personalities involved. Let’s look at the concept in more detail, including some examples and tips for handling it in communication, plus making the important distinction between one-off examples of projection which we can all be culpable of, and more toxic dynamics where projection is pervasively used as a defense mechanism and tool for abuse.

A Definition of Projection

Psychological projection can broadly be defined as an ego defense mechanism whereby unwanted thoughts, desires, motivations, attributes and feelings are attributed to others when they are actually attributable to oneself. It actually originates from Freudian psychology, but is a well accepted defense mechanism in even mainstream psychological literature today. It involves the denying of things about ourselves we don’t like, and putting them onto others instead, and is very real, as we can all relate to doing this ourselves if we are honest, and also having it done to us. It is a psychological defense mechanism that can be used to avoid accepting things about ourselves, but also to avoid taking ownership for our actions. Hence, when someone is accusing you of things they are actually doing, in psychological terms they are projecting onto you. You now have the correct word for it!

Some Examples of Projection

Like so many psychological phenomena, projection runs on a scale, with some examples of it more serious and potentially annoying and upsetting than others.

Here are some milder examples:

Attributing physical characteristics they don’t like about themselves to others (eg. saying someone is fat/ugly/hair looks bad etc, when this in fact applies to them).

Attributing tendencies to others which actually also apply to the person themselves (eg. saying a person is lazy/unmotivated/selfish etc, when this actually applies to themselves)

Attributing your own sexual impulses and desire to others. Accusing others of being hyper-sexual or obsessed about sex or flirting, when it is in fact that person themself who is obsessed with sex or overly flirting.

In general, we see that things someone doesn’t like about themselves are projected (put onto) others.

Here are some more extreme and abusive examples, where really serious accusations are being made:

Accusations of infidelity/cheating

Accusations of stealing.

Accusations of abuse.

A boss accusing someone of breaking rules.

In these cases, when the person making the accusation is actually engaging in this behavior, then projection is taking place. They are attributing to others what they don’t like about themselves.

Projection is Common With Sociopaths & Narcissists

Projection is used by all of us at some point, but is especially common among those with Cluster B personality disorders – sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists, borderlines. This is because these disorders are characterized by:

1. Often a sense of perfection and flawlessness; a sense that there is nothing wrong with them, and that they can “do no wrong”. Little or no willingness to accept blame or take ownership for wrongdoing.

2. A flagrant tendency and ability to deny reality, even when confronted with hard evidence.

3. A desire to flip reality on it’s head and erode other people’s sense of reality and perception.

4. A lack of morality and conscience. No problems in shifting blame onto others and using them to protect themselves.

Whenever you have these traits in a person, projection is going to present, both to deny anything bad about themselves, and also to deliberately chip away at the self esteem of those they are targeting. To emphasize this point, let’s give a brief comparison of how projection can manifest in normal people versus people with personality disorders.

Normal person – Projection to some degree is very common. We’ve all at some point put onto others what’s actually attributable to us to either avoid getting into trouble, deny something unpleasant about ourselves, or just when we were in an argument. It’s understandable and doesn’t mean we’re bad people. Most of us only project occasionally and perhaps less so as we get older and more mature, and less defensive.

Personality disordered person – Will be more toxic and exasperating to deal with, because sociopaths and narcissists relentlessly use projection to put things onto others. It’s not just an occasional thing; it is a constant pattern in their communications with others, since they have been using this defense mechanism usually for many years. It is firmly ingrained into their psyche, and is in fact essential for them to deny ownership for their toxic behavior towards others and prevent their tightly clung onto (but false) image of themselves from being broken. Projection has become automatic and natural for them, to the point where it is easy for them to deny reality with a completely straight face.

With psychopaths and narcissists, projection is also often done deliberately because they know it winds up and annoys people to have things put onto them that belong to the other person. It is not just a one-off thing to escape uncomfortable feelings, but a deliberate tactic in the abuse they inflict on others. Psychopaths and narcissists use projection incessantly to an extreme extent. It will become insidious as your relationship with them deepens. They do not want to face the toxicity that lies within them so they constantly project it onto others. Here are some common examples of projection you will encounter constantly if you are dealing with a psychopath/sociopath or narcissist:

Nothing is ever their fault, even when it clearly is.

Constantly blaming you for things which are their fault.

Constant gas-lighting, where they say things didn’t happen when they did or vice versa.

Attributing to you things which are actually true to them (eg. lying, cheating, not taking criticism, lazy etc).

Regular situations where you find yourself apologizing or making up for something when it was their fault in the first place.

A constant sense of an inverted reality, where you are seen as the bad person while they walk off scot free.

Situations constantly flipped on their head so they are never the one at fault eg. a perfectly normal and justified reaction to something unacceptable they do or say is flipped around so that you are over-reacting, they didn’t say that, or some other distortion of reality.

More generally, whenever there is any conflict, it is always you that is the problem, never them. There is always something wrong with you, never them. They never take any ownership for any problems in the relationship whatsoever. It is always the other person.

Erosion of your identity and self belief as with all the gas-lighting, projection and distortion you start to question your own judgement and don’t know who you are anymore.

Therefore, if you are seeing projection in someone not once every now and then, but consistently, it’s time to a) start being on guard around this person, especially in work scenarios; and b) start looking into the topic of personality disorders to make sure this is not what you are dealing with.

“Those of you who are taking notes, write in capital letters Deny and Project (when talking about Cluster B personalities). It’s essential. When you’re talking about someone being narcissistic – “oh he’s a bit vain, he’s a bit rude, he doesn’t pay his tab” – that’s different to someone who is neurotically denying any wrongdoing whatsoever. They have no negative attributes. They admit to nothing. They is no humility. Denial and projection (is at play). This is why therapy doesn’t work (for Cluster B disorders). “Why would it work for me; there’s nothing wrong with me. I know more than you, stupid therapist”” Richard Grannon, personality disorder expert.

Dealing With Projection

Here are some quick tips for dealing with projection when you encounter it in communication.

Dealing with projection in relationships:

Call out projection for what it is straight away if it is a serious, non joking discussion.

Detach from any relationships immediately where projection and gas-lighting are commonplace. Do not tolerate this behavior when it keeps happening all the time, as over time it will erode your self esteem and perception of reality. Just end the relationship.

Save texts, emails and screenshots as evidence is necessary to counteract projection and gas-lighting.

Stick to facts and reason. Do not be provoked or wound up in confrontation.

If you are dealing with someone for whom context is clearly more important than content, do not waste your time trying to reason or argue facts. Save your energy and end the relationship.

Other Closely Related Terms

Here are some other broadly similar terms to projection that could also be used to describe someone who is accusing you of doing things they are actually doing.

Hypocrisy – Pretty obvious – describes someone who says one thing and does another, breaks their own rules, or doesn’t follow the principles they espouse themselves, or the rules they enforce on others. Common terms we use to describe this are “one rule for them, another rule for everybody else”, or “do as I say, not as I do”. Fits more nicely with projection when we flip it round, and the toxic partner or boss tells you off for things they blatantly do themselves. Very common with politicians in the modern world, and also in narcissistic, entitled bosses and partners. In this context, hypocrisy could be seen to be a deliberate abuse tactic, and sometimes is, but perhaps is also often a sign of low self awareness – the person has no concept of how they are being hypocritical in not following what they recommend or impose themselves.

Blame shifting – Another very equivalent term, when someone shifts the blame for something onto you when it was clearly their fault, then projection is taking place. Could also often incorporate the term scapegoating, where one person or a group of people shift all blame for a situation onto one person or target. Common in toxic family dynamics where one person becomes the family scapegoat or “emotional dustbin” for all the unpleasant emotions other members of the family don’t like or don’t want to deal with inside themselves. It’s all projected onto the scapegoat.

Gas-lighting – A term for any psychological abuse tactic which is designed to erode a person’s sense of reality and their own perception, to “chip away” at the sense of self and reality. Common examples include saying things were said or done when they weren’t, or vice versa. Very commonly overlaps with projection, and the two terms can often be used equivalently, because in the course of gas-lighting, the abuser will often push or project things onto the victim as a deliberate way to mess with their perception and flip reality on it’s head.

Reasons NOT To Engage With a Narcissist or Sociopath

Engaging Is Giving Them Exactly What They Want

This is the first and most important point to realize when dealing with all the Cluster B disorders – they feed off the emotional reactions of others. This is why they are so provocative and reaction-seeking in their behavior. All the following points basically feed off this core point; it’s vital to grind this into your sensibilities when dealing with narcissists, sociopaths, and other toxic personality types. Therefore, by engaging with them in a confrontational way, and getting drawn into arguments with them, you are giving them exactly what they want. You are feeding them “supply” – the fuel or “food” through which they prop up their false sense of self.

Perhaps the most obvious example of this is when engaging with them in an argument, either in person or via phone/text/email etc. By getting upset and pouring out your emotions to them, it “fills them up”, because they can see they’ve “got a rise” out of you. Narcissism expert Richard Grannon puts it best here – describing that trap that overly naive and sincere people fall into trying to engage with toxic personality types when provoked by them:

The narcissist (or sociopath) reaches out with a provocative communication, with the intent of upsetting or hurting you…..The victim gets their adrenaline spiked….they become angry or anxious or depressed….The victim feels instantly, neurotically compelled to redress the balance…and they reply way too instinctively, way too quickly, with way too much emotion….trying to use reason where there is none….

(The victim feels): ‘I have to drop everything and answer straight away and send through a 500 word essay about what they just said was wrong, and it was wrong, and they shouldn’t and it was unfair, and this is because of this, and also when you say that to a person that means X etc etc.’

And you’re psycho-babbling and philosophizing and you’re pouring out all this stuff. And the narcissist is sat back going “Ha ha ha ha! Got ya!”. You’ve given them exactly what they want. Because you’re showing them you’re upset. You’re showing them you’re in an emotional state. The narcissist then goes into an emotional high….and they learn that this works, and they keep it in their toolbox. Effectively what we do over time is we teach the narcissist what hurts us….Don’t teach the narcissist what hurts you.

Most people who’ve dealt with these toxic personality disordered people without fully understanding them will relate to this – we jump in trying to “set the record straight”, but really, this is exactly what they want. They want to pull us in and engage us in their games. Don’t fall for it, and you gain the upper hand right away.

One of the biggest things you can do for yourself if you are dealing with someone like this is to always remain calm when dealing with them because what you’ll find with psychopaths and narcissists especially is that they’re trying to provoke you. They’re trying to provoke reactions so that you look crazy and hysterical and they can then sit back and play victim and say ‘oh look what this person did to me and how crazy they’re acting’.

If you remain calm completely with them, you gain that upper hand. They’re trying to put you on the defensive. They’re trying to make you feel like you’re under attack. So if they say the perfect thing that has you thinking ‘oh my god, I have to respond to that because I have the perfect response, you should know that was intentionally planned.

Another context to apply this rule in is after toxic relationships, when we’ve cut them off and gone no contact. Lots of times, they’ll circle back weeks, months or years later, trying to engage with you again. The same rules apply; do not engage with them or feed them any supply. They feed off your reactions so starve them off by giving them none.

Not Engaging Irritates Them

This is really the inverse of the above point, but still bears mentioning. If you want to treat this like a game, understand that not engaging with them is how you win it. It actively irritates narcissists and sociopaths when you DON’T engage with them. You’re starving them of supply.

Divorce lawyer and narcissism expert Jonathan C Noble puts it brilliantly: If you’re ever entangled with a narcissist, you’re gonna know, when these critical barbs start to come out of their mouth towards you. They’re not going to like your haircut, they’re not going to like your jeans. They’re not going to like so much about who you are. This is after love-bombing. The mask is starting to peel off. The truth is I’ve had the unpleasant experience of dating women who were narcissists, and it’s almost a joke when you listen to what they say to you…I’d liken it to if someone were an 8th degree black-belt in Jiu-Jitsu, and a middle school child came up to them and tried to fight them. You would just say ‘that’s ridiculous’. You wouldn’t even engage them. So my advice is, listen and observe and put yourself in that position where you if you get tangled up with a narcissist, you would do what that 8th degree black-belt does….You don’t even engage. Because they’re dying to engage you. You’re maddening them…It’s kryptonite when you don’t engage with their nonsense. That drives them crazy“.

I’ll be the first to admit this is easier said than done. When they’re provoking us, our ego really badly wants us to engage back, but if you can in any way manage to sublimate that desire, and instead NOT engage, that is what will really irritate provocative narcissists and sociopaths. Similarly, if it’s after a relationship, and they’re either sniffing around trying to “hoover” you back in, or you must remain in some contact with them because children are involved, then it’s best to engage in grey rock tactics. Meaning, you’re boring, dull, lifeless, not dramatic, and using as few words as possible in dialogue. Be boring and dull, and they’ll go away – these people need drama and stimulation (they’re addicts), so starving them of this will get rid of them eventually. They’ll have to get their “supply” elsewhere.

They Understand Very Well What Is Going On (And Do NOT Need Things Explaining)

This is another point we often come round to understanding once we see better how Cluster B disordered people feed off the reactions of others, and are therefore NOT interested in facts, reason, logic or fairness. After being tangled up with narcissists and sociopaths, we’ll often kick ourselves down the line for how naive we were in engaging with them, trying to “explain”, the situation to them, so they could “understand” better. The truth is that they understand very well what’s going on. But they’re very happy for this charade to keep going on, because it keeps us engaged and invested, so they can keep feeding off our emotional response.

“The more chaos inducing communication and the more chaos inducing behavior we get from (the narcissist/psychopath), the more we push the pedal down on reason, rationality and information. We’re like “No no no, just let me explain to you, let me just give you the right data, let me just give you the right information”, with this fallacious nation behind it, that if they just understood more, they would stop (the toxic behavior). They understand perfectly. They understand the situation perfectly, believe me” - Richard Grannon

Once we see through their simulated naivety and faked ignorance, and see that they know full well what’s going on, it’s much easier to dis-engage from their nonsense and regain our sanity. Don’t waste energy trying to reason or explain things that shouldn’t need explaining, to toxic people. It keeps their childish game going. Simply detach and move on.

Here’s another quick quote on this, contrasting the before (when we’re too naive and sincere, and over-engaging) to the after (when we understand Cluster B disorders better, and see the game they’re playing, and simply stop engaging): “….in the past you would have kept tolerating, and kept trying to work it out with this person, or kept trying to explain to them how their behavior affects you. But that’s not what a person with high value does. That person walks away.” - Meredith Miller

Narcissists & Sociopaths Cannot Change

This is closely related to the last point. A large part of what keeps us invested and engaging in toxic relationships with narcissists and sociopaths is a belief that we can still somehow “reach” them or “fix” them. That there’s a good person in somewhere, buried deep down, that we just need to somehow bring out, and we’re the ones who can do it.

If you’re holding onto any belief like this, you need to let go of it. Narcissists and sociopaths cannot be cured or fixed. They are completely resistant to any kind of therapy or reform, and in fact never believe there is anything wrong with them, considering themselves superior to others.

Bottom line – these people cannot be “reached” or “cured”, so give up on any hopes of that. It’s another way they can keep you “corded” to them, and they’ll be happy to play along with it. Disengage and move on with your life. Whatever toxic behaviors they engaged in before, they’ll keep doing. Their personalities are broken at the core – they need to feed off the reactions of others, or they literally start to feel like they’re dying inside. Resolving these disorders would take many, many years of committed and intense therapy on their part, and even then would likely only produce modest changes in outer behavior, not core level change. This doesn’t happen with Cluster B disordered people – they already believe they’re perfect and don’t submit themselves to scrutiny or examination, so save your energy and move on from them.

Engaging Just Teaches Them How To Be Better Manipulators

This is another point which hits home once our naivety lessens and we become a bit more streetwise in seeing how these people operate. We may have engaged with narcissists or sociopaths, trying to “explain” things to them, and “help them see” what they did was wrong, how this/that thing they did/said was unacceptable. We might have poured our hearts out, used clever sounding therapeutic or relationship jargon. They may have nodded their heads and pretended to listen and agree.

The truth and is that narcissists and sociopaths don’t care about any of this. They were soaking up everything you said, so they can better manipulate you (and others) down the line.

This comes back to the same point about the Cluster B disorders being completely resistant to any kind of change, as well as being manipulative and exploitative to the point of feigning sincerity as a way of manipulating. Not only is there no way to truly “reach” these people, but they’ll even use these attempts to reach them as fuel to manipulate more effectively. They’re happy to soak up clever sounding terminology from therapy or self-help circles you use on them, not to improve or understand, but to give themselves an air of emotional literacy and intelligence to better manipulate others down the line.

Therefore this is another reason we need to learn to disengage with these people, and not waste our energy trying to crack this “shell” that surrounds their personality, that makes literally everything they do manipulative, exploitative and insincere. We can exhaust ourselves trying to “fix” these people, when all we’ve actually done is make them better concealed predators:

“In the end, after being well and truly drained and poisoned, idealistic fixers realize that they have made no progress (with the sociopath/narcissist/energy vampire) whatsoever. (They have) merely upgraded their arsenal and become more experienced in deception”

Using The DEEP Technique To Handle a Narcissist/Sociopath’s Provocation

Readers could very reasonably point out that it’s all very well having rules about not engaging with narcissists and sociopaths in our midst, but these people are masters at provoking and engaging others. They’ve been practicing all their lives. How do we fight against this really? It can help to put a framework around this; a simple set of criteria that we can apply to NOT get drawn into engaging with toxic and provocative personalities. The best framework I’ve found is Ramani Durvasula’s DEEP Framework:

DEEP Technique – Don’t Defend, Engage, Explain or Personalize

Here’s a quick summary of each point – if you have to deal with anyone who is narcissistic, sociopathic or otherwise provocative, DON’T do any of these things:

Defend – Don’t waste energy trying to defend yourself – they want you on the defensive, they aren’t listening anyway and they don’t care what you have to say. They aren’t interested in facts or logic or reason, and you’re just feeding them supply if you’re getting upset or angry or frustrated while trying to defend yourself.

Engage – Simple. Don’t even engage, resort to grey rock tactics – be boring and dull. Don’t share opinions, be vulnerable or critique them. Engaging is just feeding them what they want.

Explain – Don’t explain to someone who isn’t listening and doesn’t care about facts anyway. It will feed your exasperation (which feeds them) and waste your energy. Pretending they don’t understand what you say (when they understand perfectly well) is a great way of gas-lighting and crazy-making. Don’t give them the chance.

Personalize – Don’t take anything they do personally. All the nonsense they engage in (gas-lighting, lying, rudeness, projection, blame shifting, provocation) is THEIRS to own, not yours. It comes from them having a broken personality which means they need to feed off the emotional reactions of others. If you take in their abuse, it will create strong introjects or inner critics in you, so don’t ever take disordered people’s behavior to heart. Keep a detached distance.

Being drawn into ANY of these 4 things, just opens up the door to more blah blah blah, gas-lighting, projection and blame-shifting, so don’t do any of these things, and simply shut down conversations right away. It saves your time and energy and stops you getting exasperated in the way that Cluster B’s often will in confrontations (“why don’t they understand?” Answer – they understand perfectly, but are keeping it going to feed off your annoyance and exasperation).

Tips If a Narcissist Ex Contacts You After a Long Time (Months/Years)

Narcissists often re-contact ex partners after a long time because they are idealizing and seeking to re-connect with old sources of “narcissistic supply”. The fundamentally broken and manipulative nature of the narcissistic personality means that these attempts to re-contact you should be ignored or rebuffed.

Understanding how narcissists are essentially desperate attention and supply addicts, as well as the fundamentally incurable nature of NPD, allows us to quickly see through these attempts to re-kindle that narcissist ex partners often make, and we can quickly dismiss them and move on with our lives.

Let’s run through the what, and the why of this common pattern with narc ex’s, as well as some background theory on the narcissistic personality, so that we can better understand and handle this when it happens.

Why Do Narcissists Do This?

One of the things that often puzzles many ex’s of narcs when this happens is the weird timing of the contact – we’ll cover this below. But another question people ask is simply why do narcs do this? Why do they suddenly appear out of nowhere again? Some people in the recovery space think the reasons for this are unimportant, but I disagree. To permanently rid our lives of these disordered people, we need to understand how they think, and how their mind works. With the narcissist, it’s actually not that hard, because it’s a peculiarly broken type of personality that operates out a predictable series of cravings and defense mechanisms.

The supply model of NPD is the best way to understand the disorder. It basically states that narcissists are constantly looking for some form of supply from other people, which confirms one of two things:

1. How they’re so beautiful, clever, bright, funny, exceptional and special. Some kind of admiration/adoration/attention.

2. How other people (or one target scapegoat individual or group in particular) is stupid and dumb, which makes them feel superior and “full” by comparison

This can take many different forms; here are just some of them (list is not exhaustive):

Admiration

Attention.

Being feared

Constantly being validated and affirmed in their twisted worldview 100% of the time.

Sexual attention.

A sense of special-ness, uniqueness and perfection.

A sense of being the best/number 1/top dog in some field or environment

A sense of being the smart, enlightened one, while everyone around them is a stupid, inferior servant.

Constant silly-ness and back and forth humor, jokes, memes, and being fed constant entertainment, as long as they’re the center of attention.

A back and forth implicit arrangement where you’ll always agree on stuff and never disagree or challenge any of his obvious character deficits.

Narcissists are literally addicts in this sense; they need topping up with constant new supply, or else they start falling into depletion, which is when the more fragile ones can appear depressed, low, moody and start attacking and provoking others as a secondary backup to inflate themselves.

So here is the bottom line on why the narc ex is suddenly contacting you again:

They’re re-idealizing their old source of supply they got from you. There was something about it that they liked, and they want to see if they can get it again.

Their current source of supply from the people around them at the moment is low, or has gone. Perhaps someone else has seen through their BS and discarded them as well, so now they’re addicts again in need of a fix.

A combination of the above two factors.

Moreover, this can vary, and there isn’t a one size fits all answer. Some narcissists you will literally never hear from again after the discard or after you drop them. It’s like you’re dead to them, and it’s best to return the favor by also pretending they never existed. However, some narcissists will circle back after months or years and see if they can top up their supply. It all depends on how much they liked the supply they got from you, and still want it from time to time, plus how much or little supply they’re managing to leech of the people currently in their midst.

Pay Attention to The Timing of the Contact

The supply model is all well and good, and is definitely part of the explanation as to why narcs can re-contact you after a long time. But in many cases, there’s something even deeper going on, as evidenced by the weird timing of the contact that so many ex’s of narcissists report. It’s so often that this contact happens right at the point where the victim has made a major breakthrough in recovering from the narc and moving on with their lives.

Pay close attention to this; it could be one of these things:

You’ve made a major breakthrough in therapy and feel you now “get” something about their behavior or the relationship you had with them. You feel more in control and detached.

You’re just about the start a new job

You’ve just started a new relationship.

You’re about the move to a new country.

You’ve just woken up one day, and thought to yourself “do you know what, I’m over this person now. I don’t care about them one way or the other. I’m in a good place”, or something similar.

In general, you’ve made a major mental breakthrough that’s further detached you from them, or you’re about to start a positive new chapter in your life that represents another level of moving on.

If this applies to your situation, you are not alone. It is so often at these positive points of change that the narcissist ex will contact you out the blue again and try and draw you back in. I’ve seen this myself and in others too often for it to be a coincidence. It can be very strange to experience, but is indicative of a deeper connection between disordered people and those they’ve manipulated and abused, to the point where they can almost seem to sense when you’ve taken a step forward in moving on from them.

A person who had ended their relationship with a narcissist, at the moment when they start to recover, the narcissist crawls out of the woodwork and sends them an email or calls them. The day, the morning, the afternoon. They’re getting on with their life, something great happens, they just got a new job, they’re about to move to a new country, life’s moving forward finally. BOOM! In the narcissist comes. How does he know? How does she know? It’s almost like there’s a web, a connection there….The point that I’m making here is, you’re conveying more about your emotional state than you realize. You might even be conveying it without being in contact at all. So be happy, that tortures them…Get to the point where they are not on your mind.

Another way he puts it is that your state transmits, to the point where it often appears that the narcissist can tell what state you’re in, even when you’re not in contact with them at all. Conversely, many of them can also seem to sense when you’ve made a major leap forward in detaching from them and moving on. This is why detachment, indifference, and staying in as good a state as possible as so important, since it is the best thing for you, but also the best way to annoy and torture the narcissist, who much prefers that you’re miserable and under their control psychologically.

Tips For Managing Attempts to Re-Contact You

Given all we’ve gone over so far, the answer to dealing with unexpected contact from a narcissist ex after a long time should be clear – don’t get drawn back in and ignore or dismiss them. However, precisely the fact that it happens out the blue after months or years can shock and unsettle us. Here are some tips to handle this:

Stay calm. If it’s an email/text/social media message, and you’re taken by surprise because it’s been so long, your heart may jump and you may be flooded with adrenaline again (plus other psycho-somatic reactions) once you realize it’s them. Do not react when still in this state. Take time to calm yourself down:

Go for a walk or do some exercise

Try meditation if you can

Try relaxing music

Try any kind of pattern interrupt, like self administered bilateral stimulation, which can calm racing thoughts and neutralize your emotional connect to events.

Do any or all of these things until you return to a baseline state of calm where you can see things clearly.

Once you’ve calmed down, then handle it in a way that keeps you in control. Do NOT respond right away if it triggers you, as you’re not in control.

If you are recovered to the point where you stay calm even when the unexpected contact comes through, then great! It’ll make brushing them off even easier.

Do NOT be drawn back into long discussions about anything.

In fact, you don’t need to respond at all. You can just ignore them and block their number (best approach if you’re perfectly happy doing this). If it’s a phone call, just put the phone down. Also consider changing your number, email, social media etc. since the best approach is to block off any avenues they can contact you anyway (full-on no contact).

It can also be satisfying however to brush them off in a briefly dismissive way. Say you’re not interested, and imply they’re boring, dull, uninteresting and unexceptional, and put the phone down and block their number, as a final parting shot to irritate them. Be aware that even in the briefest communications, they’ll probably be trying to provoke or annoy you, or make you jealous again. Be especially aware of hoovering, where they’ll pretend they’ve changed to try and draw you back in. See next section. Don’t fall for it.

Bottom line – Ignore or quickly dismiss. Don’t waste your time on them. Move on with your life.

Beware of Hoovering From The Narcissist

This is another crucial tactic of manipulative people like narcissists that you must be aware of. As part of the attempt to re-kindle with you, they’ll often bombard you with promises of how they’ve worked on themselves and have truly changed, are ready to be a better partner. It’s often called hoovering in the recovery space, because they’re trying to suck (hoover) you back in. Do not be taken in by any of this glib nonsense. It’s just more game and manipulation.

Here are some examples of it:

They’ll contact you again out the blue on social media or by text, email or some other means. This is why no contact is important to stop them doing this.

They’ll go back to the seemingly innocent, sweet, caring image if this is what they initially reeled you in with.

They may issue seemingly heartfelt apologies about how sorry they are about how they hurt you.

There will be promises that the cheating, gas-lighting, projection, lying etc. won’t happen again.

If you had been trying to get them to go to therapy because of their toxic behavior, they’ll promise to get help if you take them back.

Any other changes in their behavior that you wanted them to make first time but they never did, they’ll latch onto these and promise to do them now, or claim they are “growing/changing/evolving/self aware” now when they haven’t changed at all.

The general message they’ll try to hoover you back in with is “I’ll be the person you always wanted me to be”.

If you do take them back, they’ll keep up these apparent changes for a while, then drop them and go straight back to the old, abusive patterns.

When you see through the cheap trickery of an NPD, it’s almost comical. Don’t fall for any of their nonsense. Drop them cold and move on.

Do Not Let The Narcissist Back In

The bottom line on all of this is that if narcissist ex partner contact you again after a long time, just ignore or dismiss them. Don’t be drawn back into their drama and toxicity, and don’t fall for their trickery trying to convince you it’ll be different this time. Whatever abusive behaviors they did before; they’ll do again. Full blown narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a completely un-treatable and incurable condition. There’s nothing that anyone else can do to make a narcissist change.

Here’s a simple criteria to assess the narcissist’s claims of change:

Foundational question – has the narcissist ever sincerely apologized for their abusive/exploitative behavior? You’ll be surprised how often they actually don’t do this, even when trying to hoover you back in. They will often use clever word trickery that may sound conciliatory but avoids them actually ever taking any ownership and blame for their toxic behavior.

Have they undergone several years at least of intensive psychotherapy, with a skilled therapist well trained in personality disorders?

Additionally, or alternatively, have they “hit rock bottom” in their lives – reached a low point where they have lost everyone and everything, and undergone a process of several years of fully rebuilding themselves from the ground up, which will also likely include the intensive, prolonged therapy.

9,999 times out of 10,000, the answer to all 3 of these questions will be no, and you can brush them off accordingly and move on with your life.