When it comes to relationship abuse and intimate partner violence, men are overwhelming portrayed as perpetrators. Despite such portrayals, research shows that rates of relationship violence are more balanced than such depictions suggest. Unsurprisingly, gender-specific resources for men who suffer relationship abuse are also particularly underserved.
“the DSM-V criteria for diagnosing narcissism may overemphasize the “grandiose” form of narcissism (more common in men) and overlook aspects of “covert” or “vulnerable” narcissism (which may be more common in women)”Academically and popularly, the past decade has seen increased attention to narcissistic relationship abuse. Important academic publications have broached the topic psychologically and clinically, while popularly there are now dozens of YouTube channels and podcasts dedicated to the topic. Laudably, many of these resources recognize that men can also be victims of narcissistic relationship abuse. Recent research also suggests the DSM-V criteria for diagnosing narcissism may overemphasize the “grandiose” form of narcissism (more common in men) and overlook aspects of “covert” or “vulnerable” narcissism (which may be more common in women), leading to an overrepresentation of men in data.
There are millions of men suffering abuse at the hands of narcissistic partners. Many fail to recognize what is happening to them, while others have had their lives destroyed and resources depleted by these relationships. Narcissism destroys lives and leaves victims picking up pieces of shattered lives and identities. Becoming informed is one of the first steps for men to recognize these patterns and prepare themselves to act. “the narcissist may describe the victim as their “savior” (especially common in covert/vulnerable narcissism)”
Narcissistic AbuseNarcissistic abuse is any form of relationship abuse where a narcissistic person takes advantage of their partner. In romantic relationships, this abuse follows an amazingly consistent pattern. First, there is usually an intense love and sex bombing stage during which the narcissist sucks in their victim and gets them heavily invested in the relationship. This is like a relationship’s honeymoon stage on steroids. Here, the narcissist may describe the victim as their “savior” (especially common in covert/vulnerable narcissism) and mirror their partner’s interests to build an intense connection and image they are a perfect match.
Once the narcissist knows their partner is invested, they gradually start devaluing their partner. Often slow and subtle at first, this devaluation becomes more intense over time. Devaluation can occur blatantly—as rage, insults, violence, or aggression—or more subtly—as gaslighting or passive-aggressiveness. This puts the victim on the defensive and gets them worried about the relationship. Many victims have caretaker or codependent tendencies, which make them particularly vulnerable to this type abuse because of their natural proclivity to be supportive, especially to people they love.
Interestingly, narcissists do not prey on weak victims. On the contrary, narcissists look for people that have admirable qualities or resources—looks, financial resources, career success, prestige, social status, etc.—and they seek partners who can boost their own egos.
Once the abuse begins, the victim will draw on their provider inclination to do all they can to console the narcissist in effort to get back to that intense honeymoon stage. However, that stage never returns. The narcissist continues exploiting their victim to satisfy their needs. This is often the narcissists’ insatiable need for attention, but it can also be a need to feed their egos being around admirable people, to exploit their victim sexually or financially, or their desire to exert control. The narcissist will accept the victim’s reconciliation efforts, but they are now in a cycle of abuse marked by the narcissist’s constant devaluation and the victim’s perpetual efforts to restore the relationship to that impossible state.
This cycle continues until the victim garners the courage to leave or until they are discarded. Once the narcissist gets bored of the victim or determines that they can no longer extract the resources from the relationship they want, narcissists usually discard their victims, leaving them confused, broken, and a shell of the person they once were. Narcissists often start grooming their next victim before their relationship with the first victim ends. When this discard happens, the victim is left with serious emotional and psychological damage. They are unable to fathom how a relationship that was like something out of a dream came crashing down in such devastating and dramatic fashion.
“Most existing resources on narcissistic abuse are gender neutral or approach it from a female perspective.”In such relationships, narcissists mold their victims into who they want them to be, stripping them of their identity and ultimately making them into a supportive staff in the narcissist’s life. The victim’s goals, ambitions, and needs are ignored while the narcissist refocuses all of the relationship resources onto themselves. This is often achieved through a trauma bond, whereby the victim develops a deep connection to their abuser through a repeated cycle of intense reward and punishment. In the process, narcissists often try to isolate the victim from their support network of family, friends, and acquaintances. Thus, when a discard happens, victims are left especially vulnerable and traumatized.
Male Victims of Narcissistic AbuseMost existing resources on narcissistic abuse are gender neutral or approach it from a female perspective. While some resources explicitly consider the male perspective, as with IPV, male victims of narcissistic abuse remain considerably understudied and underserved in terms of gender-specific resources.
When considering male victims of narcissistic abuse relative to recent research on men’s psychology and mental health, there are serious issues regarding men’s recovery from such relationships that deserve attention. These include the stigma of being a male victim of a female perpetrator, which can prevent a man seeing himself as a victim, and others recognizing him as a victim. Another issue is the heightened risk of suicide in men who experience relationship breakdown. A further issue is the perceived lack of support available to men.
The nature of narcissistic abuse inherently destroys victims’ identities. Identity loss after a relationship ends is common, but after a narcissistic relationship this loss can be particularly intense. Male victims can lose self-confidence and a sense of direction and may suffer professional and financial damage. Additionally, female narcissists’ behaviors are often aimed directly at a man’s sense of masculinity psychologically, financially, personally, and sexually, which aims to devalue their sense of manhood and make them further dependent on their abuser. Victims need time to recover from this, but the shock this can have to men’s sense of identity can be especially debilitating.
Recovery needs to focus on reclaiming the aspects of masculine identity that were destroyed during the relationship. Victims can find it incredibly difficult to move on and leave behind their idealized life with their abuser. The narcissist created an image that they and their victims would share a perfect life together, something referred to as “future faking.” Leaving this imagined life behind is immensely challenging because the high moments were as if they were straight out of a fairy tale. Being able to detach from this fantastical version of the future and see the relationship for what it was—an abusive, exploitative, and harmful connection built on lies—is incredibly painful and time consuming.
For divorces and situations with children involved, negative stereotypes of men often severely disadvantage them. Narcissists will put on amazing shows in courts to conceal their abusive tactics and even make themselves out to be the ones harmed by such relationships. Victims are often at a loss with how to respond. Men intending to take narcissist partners to court, need to be aware of the challenges they face.
A Short StoryI learned about narcissistic abuse when I realized that something in my past relationship was not right. I had been in difficult relationships before, but something here was just too extreme. The highs were higher than anything I ever experienced, while the lows were more brutal, vicious, and disparaging than I could ever imagine. No matter what concessions I made, the lows just kept getting lower. I continued hoping that my partner would see the value in our relationship and see that we were just a few steps away from that ideal future we had discussed. But the more I hoped, the further we got from that ideal. The cycle just kept playing out in more disheartening ways. Ultimately, as every resource on narcissistic abuse said would happen, I was discarded and replaced. I hung on to hope for as long as possible, even resuscitating the relationship on my own volition several times despite knowing how unhealthy it was. I also contributed by acting out negatively in response to the abuse and failing to set and enforce boundaries, both of which are common in victims. When it was over, I was left utterly confused, broken, and finding it hard just to get through daily activates. It also took substantial time to start reimaging a different future.
Paul Capobianco
