Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries are key to a healthy relationship. Sometimes we get into unhealthy patterns with the people in our family, friends, or even coworkers. Often what starts as good intentions turns into something that ultimately isn’t serving anyone. When that happens, it’s helpful to look at the problems and consider if healthy boundaries are needed. We read so much about boundaries and how important they are, but what exactly are healthy boundaries? A boundary is a setting that you place on yourself and others to keep you safe and healthy. Boundaries exist in all relationships including personal boundaries regarding what you see as right and wrong, boundaries with others including family and friends, and boundaries at work.

What Are Healthy Boundaries?

With healthy boundaries, we know where we begin and end and where another person begins and ends. With our boundaries, yes means yes and no means no. If we violate our boundaries, we feel it in a negative sense, such as being overwhelmed, angry, resentful, and distraught. When we set healthy boundaries we also feel it but in a positive way such as feeling strong, competent, and perhaps even pleased and happy.



I Am Allowed To:



▪ Feel what I feel. Feelings aren’t right or wrong, they just ‘are.’

▪ Think what I think

▪ Make mistakes

▪ Change my mind

▪ Let go of others’ expectations of me

▪ Feel happiness and joy as well as sadness and hurt

▪ Say ‘no’ and stick with this boundary

▪ Set boundaries with others. They might not like these boundaries, but they’re my right to set.



I Have The Right To:



▪ Set boundaries for myself regarding my own values, morals, ethics, and beliefs

▪ Set age appropriate boundaries with my children

▪ Not feel guilt or shame for setting healthy boundaries

▪ Be free of physical, emotional, sexual, and spiritual neglect or abuse

▪ Use legal actions if abuse has occurred



I Can:



▪ Choose how to respond to others’ – with anger or acceptance, hurt or healing.

▪ Decide what to accept with others and what not to accept.

▪ Celebrate for living a healthy life.

▪ Only ‘fix’ myself, not others, nor am I responsible for ‘fixing’ them.

▪ Choose how to live my life. Even if others’ think I’m living it poorly, it is still my choice to make both good and bad decisions.

▪ Say ‘yes’ when I am ready

▪ Trust my judgement



I Am Responsible For:



▪ My feelings, but not the feelings of others. Setting boundaries may hurt someone, but it is their choice in how to respond to my boundaries.

▪ My own happiness. It is not someone else’s responsibility to make me happy.

▪ Setting boundaries in a compassionate, respectful manner. Being respectful to others when I say ‘no’



I Am Not Responsible For:



▪ Anticipating others’ needs; they are responsible in telling me about this.

▪ Everyone that surrounds me (children being the exception). But even with children, I choose my responsibilities and explore their responsibilities.

▪ If someone violates my boundaries, I have the right to confront them, reset the boundaries, and possibly, end the relationship if my boundaries are consistently violated.

Boundaries can be rigid, flexible, or too loose. By examining the above list, we can all see how to utilize flexible boundaries and to decide who and what enters our lives. It is our choice and our responsibility.

Things That Happen To An Aging Narcissist

Narcissism is a complicated personality disorder that involves the construction of a false self to replace what the narcissist truly believes to be a worthless true self. In defiance of the shame and self-loathing they truly feel, the narcissist infuses the false self with grandiose ideas of superiority that require an almost constant supply of external validation. Because of that reliance on external sources of adoration, aging is a complicated process for the narcissist. Aging narcissists often employ various tactics to ward off the effects of age, but as reality catches up to them, they become increasingly desperate. When that happens, any of the following 9 things may happen:

▪ Denial

▪ Defiance

▪ Bitterness

▪ Extremism

▪ Isolation

▪ Bigotry

▪ Exploitation

▪ Redefinition

▪ Narcissistic Collapse

To really understand why these 9 things often happen to the aging narcissist, it’s important to understand the way narcissism affects an individual. Their reliance on external validation along with an inability to accept criticism makes for the perfect storm as the narcissist grows older. Let’s examine why that is as well as how each of these things may manifest in older narcissists.

▪Why Do Narcissists Fear Aging?

Narcissism develops as a result of the failure of a young child to fully develop a sense of self. The child comes to view their true self as irrevocably flawed and they bury it deep inside. In its place, they construct a false self-image and infuse it with grandiose ideas of their own superiority. The false self, however, is unable to offer any internal support to the narcissist, and as a result, they must rely on an almost constant supply of external validation. They need other people to espouse their adoration and affirm their superiority. It’s not at all uncommon for narcissists, particularly female narcissists, to rely on and tout their physical appearance. It becomes part of their superiority as does any other physical talents they may possess. Of course, with age, your physical appearance changes and your body is less able to perform at the same level as when you’re young. This is an extraordinarily frightening concept for the aging narcissist. Moreover, narcissists also tend to place great value on external ‘things’ they possess as another display of their superiority. Like your body, those external things tend to change over time as new models replace the old. This is yet another reminder to the aging narcissist that even the most superior among us will change with age. To the narcissist, who fears the loss of their admirers, the potential for losing their abilities, their physical appearance, and their possessions is a terrifying prospect because all of those are what forms the basis for their claims of superiority. They believe their loved ones will see the terrible truth about them if they don’t still have what they had in their youth. That’s why these 9 things can often happen to the aging narcissist.

1. Denial

As the narcissist begins the aging process, the first thing many narcissists will experience is denial. They will continue to act as if age is not a reality for them at all. They will tout their ongoing superiority. They will often wear the clothes they did in their youth to show everyone their physical appearance remains unchanged and that they still ‘got it.’ This strategy involves what Professor Emerita of Psychology at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst, Susan Krauss Whitbourne calls identity assimilation. With identity assimilation, the narcissist simply doesn’t allow any of society’s negative views on aging to penetrate their identity. That can actually work for them by allowing them to maintain high levels of self-esteem despite those age-related changes that can affect their appearance and physical abilities. Aging narcissists using this strategy are always looking for the latest and greatest in age-defying products, and they may also employ cosmetic surgery to help them maintain a youthful appearance.

2. Defiance

This refers to denial taken to the next level. The defiant narcissist may insist they are just the same as they were in their youth despite obvious changes in physical ability or mental aptitude. This can lead to some dangerous behaviors. For example, the narcissist may insist their eyesight is perfect just as it was in their youth, but you can see that they really don’t have the same ability to see. That could affect their driving and other abilities as well. The loss of the ability to so easily charm and impress others can result in more aggressive tactics that the narcissist uses to prove that their youthful vigor has not left them. This can also put them at risk for being manipulated by those who would seek to take advantage of them. An aging narcissist might, for example, believe they can attract young men or women just like they were able to do in their younger days. That could leave them vulnerable to exploitation.

3. Bitterness

Aging is not for the faint of heart, as the saying goes. It’s a difficult process that forces us to realize the limits of our physical body. Many people will come to value the wisdom they’ve gained over the years in place of the physical prowess they possessed in their youth. For the narcissist, however, it is problematic to make that shift because they’ve invested so much in their grandiose ideas of superiority. Additionally, they are emotionally stunted and unable to empathize with others around them. For them, aging represents little more than a series of defeats in the struggle to stay youthful. This can create resentment and bitterness in place of the mellowing and maturing that healthy individuals experience as they age. The narcissist feels victimized by the process and they grow bitter as they continue to blame everyone around them for their problems.

4. Extremism

Often, narcissists will age into a more extreme version of their worst characteristics. They become more desperate and deluded, particularly as the aging process hands them a series of defeats. In the elderly narcissist, dementia can add a whole new layer to the extreme qualities of the narcissist. They may become increasingly paranoid and deluded which then leads to severe isolation and extreme defensiveness. Aging is simply a nightmare scenario for the externally validated narcissist, and for those who can’t find a healthier option, extremism may be the outlet they choose for their complex emotions. These individuals may also become increasingly emotionally and physically abusive as well.

5. Isolation

As the aging narcissist turns to extreme attitudes and behaviors in defiance of the aging process or in denial of it, they often become more antagonistic and drive people away. Their friendships may falter and even their loved ones may stop coming around. They may also face divorce and alienation from any children they have. Adult children may even opt for going no contact as they seek to heal their childhood wounds. Once their children pull away, the grandchildren become estranged as well. All of this leaves the narcissist more isolated to stew in their state of victimhood and look for scapegoats they blame for all their woes. This can lead to even bigger problems with extreme viewpoints.

6. Bigotry

As an aging narcissist is left more isolated and they feel the sting of a narrowing social sphere, they look for others to blame. They will often turn their attention to their own perceived superiority over marginalized groups of people to help bolster their faltering self-esteem. Sexism, racism, homophobia, and other such extreme views are easily adopted by an aging narcissist seeking to find a group with whom they can integrate. They’re looking to feel empowered, and there’s no shortage of bigoted groups that are looking to bolster their ranks. For the aging narcissist, such extremist hate groups may give them just the narcissistic supply they’re looking for. It will help justify their thoughts of being victimized, give them a scapegoat to blame for their woes, and feed into their grandiose delusions of superiority.

7. Exploitation

Much of what the aging narcissist experiences as they face the realities of growing older makes them particularly vulnerable to exploitation. They fear losing their looks and charm, for example, which leaves them vulnerable to grifters who would seek to exploit them for financial gain. They are also vulnerable to schemes that promise to restore their youthful appearance or put them back on top in their professional realm. They are looking to turn back the clock, and anyone who can promise that or who can assure them they’ve still got it can take advantage of their fears.

8. Redefinition

Research by experts in personality disorders at the University of Colorado, the Yeshiva University, and the University of South Florida has also shown that some narcissists are actually able to adjust fairly well to aging. They can somehow reconcile the loss of their physical appearance and even recede into the background of their lives. In these cases, they tend to redefine standards for being accepted and focus more on less superficial forms of recognizing others. They might, for example, boast about the great children they have raised or the accomplished younger associate they mentored. They are able to bask in the reflected glory of their offspring or mentees rather than needing the focus to be on themselves. This is probably the healthiest adaptation for the aging narcissist given that the other possibilities either increase their vulnerability or emphasize their worst traits.

9. Narcissistic Collapse

A narcissistic collapse is the worst possible outcome for the aging narcissist. This is basically a massive mental breakdown that occurs when and if the narcissist loses their key source of narcissistic supply. For example, the death of their spouse could bring on such a breakdown. When this happens, it basically results in the collapse of the false self they so carefully constructed in their childhood. That exposes their charade and all their lies, and it releases the monster buried beneath. This typically causes the narcissist to lash out viciously at others around them, and it also usually results in their absolute isolation. It’s a sad end to a tragic life, and unfortunately, it occurs frequently in aging narcissists. Typically, it happens after all their other strategies have failed them and they face a life without any kind of support for their self-esteem.

Final Thoughts

Aging is difficult for anyone, but it’s particularly problematic for the narcissist who is externally validated and often relies on physical appearance and prowess to get their narcissistic supply. As their body fails them and they become less relevant in a world that favors youth, their struggle to maintain their self-esteem becomes more desperate. The aging narcissist will often deny, defy, and blame all while becoming more extreme in their views and more isolated from family, friends, and colleagues. It’s a recipe for disaster, and though they might instead redefine their standards and live out their golden years in relative peace, it’s not uncommon for the stress of losing their narcissistic supply to result in a narcissistic collapse. There are many different ways that narcissists react to aging, and with a better understanding of the possibilities, it’s critical to understand a little more about the specifics of how age affects different narcissists.

How To Set Boundaries With Narcissistic Grandparents

Narcissistic parents are extremely abusive to their own children, but that doesn’t stop when they become grandparents. The stereotype of the permissive, loving grandparent simply doesn’t apply to narcissists. They will continue to do many of the same things they did to their own children if you allow that to happen. To prevent them from harming your children, it’s critical to set and maintain strong boundaries.

Let’s take a look at 19 ways to set and maintain those all-important boundaries with narcissistic grandparents:

▪ Check that Family Gossip

▪ No Unexpected Visits

▪ Decide Your Own Family Size

▪ Parents Choose the Baby’s Name

▪ Monitor Photo Posts on Social Media

▪ No Spoiling

▪ Our House, Our Rules

▪ No Criticizing In Front of the Children

▪ No Rewards for Bad Behavior

▪ Scheduled Calls

▪ Watch Your Language

▪ Parents Decide on Clothing Choices

▪ Mom is Beautiful at Any Weight

▪ No Triangulation

▪ Permission for Large or Expensive Gifts

▪ No Religion Too

▪ The Food is Fine

▪ Don’t Give the Baby Away

▪ School Choices

If you have a narcissistic parent, you know that they like to insert themselves in everything you do. That includes the choices you make for your own children. It’s essential for your children that you understand that your narcissistic parent will emotionally abuse their grandchildren just like they did you. That’s why it’s critical to set boundaries and maintain them with consistent consequences. Let’s explore 19 ways to do that.

1. Check that Family Gossip

There’s nothing a narcissist likes to do more than manipulate and control people through gossip. For a narcissistic grandparent, a favorite target of gossip is the other set of grandparents. They want their grandchildren to like them better than the other grandparents. To ensure that’s the case, they will almost certainly gossip about your partner’s parents. Narcissists will often go to extreme lengths too, so the gossip may be particularly harmful. If you find this happening, you’ll need to set a strong boundary with your narcissistic parents. You’ll need to insist on monitoring the interactions, and you’ll have to use the threat of serious consequences to ensure they don’t do that. This likely means limiting their access to their grandchildren. You want your children to have good relationships with both sets of grandparents as well as other family members. That’s why you have to talk to your narcissistic parents to make sure they know that family gossip is not okay. Tell them consequences if they continue to behave that way and be sure to enforce those consequences with every boundary violation.

2. No Unexpected Visits

Narcissists in general are famous for their surprise visits. They see everyone around them, particularly family members, as mere extensions of themselves, so how can they be unwelcome? This can cause numerous problems with your partner and your children. It disrupts the normal flow of your family life, and given their toxic behavior, it can cause your children to act out in ways you don’t like. That’s why it’s vital to set a boundary around unexpected visits. You’ll need to let your parents know that, no matter how close or far away they live, they are only able to visit after ensuring you are ready and willing to host them. The consequences of an unexpected visit may mean putting them up in a hotel rather than letting them stay at your home. If they live close, you may have to ask them to leave and come back at another time, or you may choose to leave the house with your children. While these tactics may be hard to enforce, if you can do it a few times, your narcissistic parents will see that what they’re doing isn’t working, and they will adjust their behavior.

3. Decide Your Own Family Size

Many parents start desiring grandchildren once their own children are grown, but like many other things that are normal in healthy individuals, the narcissist takes this behavior to the extreme. Narcissistic parents see grandchildren as new sources of narcissistic supply, and to ensure they never run out, they want as many as possible. On a certain level, narcissists realize that they exhaust people in their life, and the result is that these people will either go no contact or limit their contact. The narcissist, therefore, develops a strategy of cultivating new sources of narcissistic supply in anticipation of that eventuality. That’s part of why they want more grandchildren, even if they don’t consciously realize it. That’s not, however, what you want for anyone you love. You know how abusive that can be. When your narcissistic parent becomes more insistent that you should have a particular number of grandchildren, calmly but firmly let them know that you will make that decision for yourself and tell them you won’t discuss this with them anymore. The pressure to have children can be enormous even with healthy parents, so don’t underestimate how this might affect you. It’s important to remember, however, that having children is a personal decision that you must make for yourself so that you will be a good parent who can take proper emotional and physical care of your kids.

4. Parents Choose the Baby’s Name

Choosing the baby’s name is another way your narcissistic parents might try to insert themselves into what are personal choices. Remember that the narcissist sees you as a mere extension of their own identity. That’s often why they believe they should be able to make choices for you rather than giving you the independence to make your own decisions. Moreover, it would give the narcissists the greatest pleasure if the child is named after them somehow. The narcissist is always looking for that adulation, and if you agree to name your baby after them, it shows the world the respect and love you have for them. That is exactly what they want. It’s a way to say to the world, “See, I am truly superior, and I am the greatest parent alive!” Once again, you have to set a strong boundary here by letting your narcissistic parent know that you will choose the baby’s name. Once you and your partner have decided on the name, let them know that the decision has been made and the topic is no longer open for discussion.

5. Monitor Photo Posts on Social Media

Narcissistic grandparents will often go overboard with posting pictures of their grandchildren on social media. Many parents don’t want that because they feel it is a kind of exploitation of their child. If you feel this way for that or any other reason, you’ll need to set a boundary regarding how many and which photos can be posted. You might set up a system with both sets of grandparents to review and approve any posts. You can expect your narcissistic parents to violate this rule regularly which is why you will need to set strong consequences to discourage them from ignoring your wishes. Your consequences may include limiting access to your child or even confiscating cell phones while your parents are around the child. It sounds like something a Hollywood star would do, but there can be problems with posting too many photos of your child. It can definitely feel like a violation of your privacy. Moreover, it’s something you have a right to control.

6. No Spoiling

Another thing that narcissists are famous for doing is spoiling their grandchildren. You might be thinking that all grandparents do that, and to some extent, that is true. The reason behind why the narcissist does it, however, is more toxic. Narcissists can be very charming when they want to be. That’s how they reel you in initially, but the reason behind that charm is that they want you to like them so that you’ll give them the adoration they crave. That’s the same reason they want to spoil their grandchildren. It’s not quite the same as spoiling a child because you just love them so much you want them to have everything they desire. Rather, they are spoiling their grandchild so that child will tell them how great they are and how much they love them. What’s more, they will then use their generosity as a manipulative tool to get their grandchildren to do what they want. They also use it as part of triangulation with other grandchildren. They will often make one grandchild the golden child, thereby forcing their other grandchildren to compete with that ideal. These are toxic games that can do irreparable harm to your children, so it’s better to avoid it by setting a strong boundary about spoiling. It will also help you raise better children.

7. Our House, Our Rules

Another thing that narcissists love to do is break everyone else’s rules. They will revel in doing things that are against your house rules as a way to show their superiority and charm your children. They will strive to undermine your authority in your own house as a means of showing how much better they are than you. When your children see that someone can get away with breaking the rules, they will start to disrespect them too. Even if it means monitoring every interaction to ensure no rules are broken, it’s worth the effort to show your children that everyone needs to respect your rules. A consequence of crossing this boundary is simply to not allow them back into your home until they can agree to abide by your rules.

8. No Criticizing In Front of the Children

As part of undermining your authority, your narcissistic parents will criticize you in front of your children. They want to show them that they know better than you do. This criticism will be a constant theme as long as you let it go on. It’s important to nip this in the bud. You will want to set a hard boundary with your parents. If they have something they want to criticize, it is not acceptable to do it in front of your children. They can pull you aside or talk another time, but they need to keep quiet in front of the children. This is a basic rule of respect for anyone. It’s particularly important for someone dealing with a narcissist because they need people to focus positively on them. They often achieve that by criticizing the other people around them. While they have a right to have their opinion, they do not have the right to express that opinion in front of your children. The remedy for continued violations may be to simply not allow them around the children until they can control their critical voice.

9. No Rewards for Bad Behavior

We have all probably experienced times when a child has done something inappropriate, but they seem so cute doing it that they sometimes get rewarded with positive attention, if nothing else. The problem with a narcissistic grandparent, however, is that they will often reward bad behavior that serves their toxic purposes. They do this consistently with grandchildren, particularly when the child is doing something that makes them feel adored or superior. This can easily create behavioral problems in your child. For that reason, you have to set a strong boundary around how your children are treated when they do something inappropriate. A 2004 study by the Canadian Paediatric Society notes that consistency is a vital part of disciplining children effectively. Consistency means that all adults responsible for discipline must enforce the rules the same way every time there is a violation. Grandparents, in general, have problems with this, but for narcissistic grandparents, it’s almost impossible. That’s why you’ll need strong boundaries and effective consequences to ensure they abide by your rules.

10. Scheduled Calls

Another way that narcissistic grandparents can be overly intrusive is by calling, either on the telephone or via video calls, way too often. This is particularly true when they live further away, but it can also happen if they are nearby. From the narcissist’s point of view, their needs take priority, and they also believe you should be focused on what they want. They don’t see anything they do as intrusive and will continue to do as much as you allow. That’s why you should set up a plan of scheduled calls. You should decide when the calls will take place and for how long. You can also feel free to make a list of unacceptable conversation topics. If a narcissist is in your child’s life, you don’t want them to be feeding your kid toxicity, and so, you shouldn’t feel like you can’t set appropriate limits. You want to protect your child from that kind of negative and abusive interaction. To maintain this boundary, simply don’t take the call if it is outside the time you’ve set up. You can also feel free to let the narcissist know that your child has to go now and it’s time to hang up.

11. Watch Your Language

This doesn’t only refer to foul language, but also the way that the narcissist talks about other people in general. They are often dismissive and condescending. This can leave a strong impression on young children who are unaccustomed to seeing adults disparage people they know. That’s why you need to let your narcissistic parents know exactly the kind of language you feel is appropriate around your children. Remember that children are like sponges, soaking up all the different behaviors to which they are exposed. When they see someone they love behaving in a certain way, it’s common for them to copy that behavior. If you don’t want your children to start talking that way about other people and/or using foul language, you need to be stern with your narcissistic parents. Remind them that the consequences for their bad behavior include limitations on how frequently they can see their grandchildren.

12. Parents Decide on Clothing Choices

Another way that narcissistic grandparents will insert themselves into their grandchildren’s lives is by getting them clothes to wear. Their choices may or may not be something you agree with, but often they are inconsistent with what parents want for their children. While you might appreciate your parents buying clothes for your children, you need to approve their choices to be sure they are something appropriate for your child. Remember that narcissists won’t feel as though anything they do is inappropriate. They believe themselves to be above any judgment. That’s why you need to let them know before they buy anything what is and what is not appropriate. Let them know that if they go off script and get something you haven’t yet approved, you will not allow them to give it to your children. This is another situation where you need to be calm but firm.

13. Mom is Beautiful at Any Weight

Another common tactic of narcissistic grandparents, particularly with regard to their daughter-in-law, is to criticize her baby weight gain. Narcissists are accustomed to feeling shame, and they like to make other people feel that way too. They will shame the mother of their grandchildren in numerous ways, but one particularly hurtful way is to make her feel bad about any extra weight she put on during her pregnancy. It’s a personal attack on her appearance, and in a culture obsessed with weight, it often cuts deep. Whether the narcissistic grandparents are the mother’s parents or her spouse’s parents, they need to be told that any such criticism of their grandchildren’s mother will not be tolerated. You want to make clear that such toxic behavior is not welcome in your house, and the narcissistic grandparents need to adjust their behavior or they will not be allowed back.

14. No Triangulation

Another particularly damaging behavior that narcissists regularly use is called triangulation. Triangulation is basically playing both ends against the middle. This is where narcissistic grandparents will tell a child one thing and either their parents or siblings something different. They feel superior when they can create problems within the family and watch it play out. They also use this manipulative technique to control both their child they favor and other family members. This is incredibly destructive to your children’s self-esteem as well as the family dynamic in general. It can create long-term problems and rivalries that may never be fully resolved. It’s vital for you to stop this kind of manipulation before it takes root. The solution may be no contact, but it can also be only allowing supervised visits. You might also have to talk with your children to help them realize what is happening so that they won’t buy into anything their narcissistic grandparents might tell them.

15. Permission for Large or Expensive Gifts

This is another favorite technique the narcissist will use to garner favor from their grandchild. What’s more, they will often buy one grandchild something expensive or large while completely ignoring the other grandchildren they have. Whether your child is an only child or one of many, it’s important that you don’t allow their grandparents to give them large or inappropriately expensive gifts. Their grandparents will use this to manipulate them in the future. It’s not an act of generosity, but a way for them to lay a foundation for future control. While you might not be able to explain this to your child, you can prevent their narcissistic grandparents from influencing them in this way. It’s a good idea to allow them to give only gifts that you have pre-approved. Let them know that if they violate that boundary, they will not be allowed to give your child a gift at all. That way, they will have no choice but to abide by your wishes.

16. No Religion Too

The religion a child is raised in is the parent’s choice, but narcissistic grandparents will try to repeatedly and persistently to influence this decision. They might even go so far as to take your child to religious services when they are alone with them. It’s vital for any parent to make their religious choices clear to their parents. It’s equally important to set strong boundaries around the consequences for violating their wishes. It almost goes without saying that narcissistic grandparents will try to violate your choice if they don’t agree with it. That’s why you need to make it absolutely clear what is acceptable in your mind. Once again, the threat that carries the most weight is that they will be restricted from seeing their grandchildren. Even if you set strong boundaries, you need to be vigilant for any violations. Religion is a very sensitive subject in many families, and true believers will go to extreme lengths if they genuinely believe they are saving a soul.

17. The Food is Fine

Another way that narcissists are critical of their own children’s childrearing choices involves the food they feed their children. The narcissist may think you’re not being healthy enough or that you’re being overly cautious and not letting your child have any fun. In either case, the ultimate goal is to get the child on their side and alienate you from your own children. They have done the same thing in many ways throughout your life, and this is just another expression of that same kind of behavior. Give your parents a list of foods that are acceptable and those that aren’t. If you find they are giving your children other foods, restrict their time with their grandchildren. That may mean no contact or supervised contact, but it’s essential you monitor the situation. In some cases, some foods may be a real health risk to your child, so it’s vital that you set strong boundaries. As your child gets older, they can understand why it’s important for their health, but when they’re younger, you have to keep close watch over what they are given to eat.

18. Don’t Give the Baby Away

While narcissists want desperately to be around their grandchildren, their motives are not always driven by love for the child. They often want to show off to the other people around them by showing them their grandchild and letting them hold them child. They love the attention that they get from the other people in their life as a new grandparent. Letting other people hold the baby is a way for them to get that attention without having to really care for the child. You may not want this, and in fact, early on, it can even pose a health risk because of possible exposure to bacteria or viruses. It’s probably the best course of action to allow your narcissistic parents to visit and hold the baby only while you’re around. As the child gets older and stronger, you can let them have unsupervised visits, but you still need to make your wishes clear. Anytime you let a narcissist make such manipulative choices without restriction, you can be sure they will do something they see as benefiting them, and only them. That’s why it’s imperative to set and maintain strong boundaries.

19. School Choices

One other common way that narcissistic grandparents will try to insert themselves into the lives of their grandchildren is through attempts to influence your education choices. It’s almost a given that they will criticize your choices. They will likely try persistently to get you to do what they think is best because, of course, they think only they know what’s best. The type of education your child receives is one of the most important choices you will make. You need to be clear about what you want, and you need to tell your narcissistic parents to back off. It’s critical that you make it clear to them that you will make that decision, and if they can’t accept your decisions, they don’t have to visit your child. It might also be important to let your child’s school know that your parents do not have your permission to come get your children or make any decisions regarding their education. The school needs to know about any family members that don’t have your permission to intervene in any way.

Final Thoughts

Narcissistic grandparents can cause almost as much damage to their grandchildren as they did to their own children. It’s vital for parents to recognize the danger they can pose and take action to prevent them from harming their children. That means setting strong boundaries and maintaining them consistently.

Hidden Tactics Of Narcissistic Grandparents

When you think of grandparents, you typically think of charming, loving people who adore their grandchildren and want nothing more than to spoil them. Grandparents with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), however, are completely different. They use manipulative tactics to groom their grandchildren, undermine their own children’s parental authority, and gain control over the entire family.

To do this, grandparents use any and all of the following 7 manipulative tactics:

▪ Triangulation

▪ Playing Favorites

▪ Exploiting Vulnerabilities

▪ Filling a Need

▪ Subtle Isolation

▪ Gaslighting

▪ Buying Loyalty

When narcissistic grandparents begin to manipulate their own grandchildren, it’s extremely disruptive to the family dynamic. Parents need to understand these tactics and the reasons behind them if they are going to have a prayer of protecting their children from narcissistic grandparents.

1. Triangulation

Triangulation is a very damaging manipulation tactic. This involves telling one person in the family one thing and someone else something completely different. Narcissistic grandparents regularly use this technique both between their grandchildren and between their grandchildren and their own children. In other words, narcissistic grandparents will tell one grandchild one thing and another something different. They will also tell their grandchild something and the child’s parents something different. This is an incredibly damaging manipulation tactic since it sows mistrust between family members. Sometimes, the damage done can last a lifetime.

2. Playing Favorites

Another damaging tactic that narcissistic grandparents will use is to choose one grandchild as their favorite. They will shower this child with loving attention while ignoring or even devaluing their other grandchildren. They use this tactic to get the other grandchildren to compete for their attention. It makes them feel loved and valued, and it also creates family drama that narcissists just love. It’s also very damaging because it can cause a rift between siblings that will never quite heal.

3. Exploiting Vulnerabilities

One thing narcissists are extremely adept at doing is spotting vulnerabilities. They are very capable of noticing what exactly makes a person feel uncomfortable or become emotionally distraught. Once they see what makes someone uncomfortable, they will use that to their own advantage. Children are typically very open about their emotions, and thus, they make easy targets for narcissistic grandparents. Because children are not mature enough to understand manipulation, their own narcissistic grandparents don’t have difficulty exploiting their vulnerabilities.

4. Filling a Need

Narcissists are very good at presenting themselves as compassionate people who want to help in any way they can, at least initially, they are. It generally isn’t until later in a relationship that they reveal their true motivation. For narcissistic grandparents, it’s often easy to see something their grandchildren need. Some kind of seemingly emotional support or a friend to talk to when they are frustrated, for example, is a great way for a narcissistic grandparent to get on their grandchild’s good side. They often come off seeming like they are on the child’s side, but nothing could be further from the truth. Narcissists are only on their own side.

5. Subtle Isolation

Narcissistic grandparents, like all narcissists, try to isolate their targets. The reason for this is that they don’t want other people to give them perspective about the emotional abuse they are enduring. When the victim of a narcissist doesn’t have anyone they can turn to in order to process their feelings, they often start believing what the narcissist is telling them. This is true, as well, for the grandchildren of narcissists. Their toxic grandparents will subtly try to isolate them from other family members and friends so that the only people they have to turn to are their grandparents.

6. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a common tactic that narcissists famously use to make their victims feel like they are the crazy ones. In fact, the tactic actually comes from a movie where a narcissistic husband was trying to make his wife believe she was insane. That’s exactly what narcissists want you to believe. The grandchildren of narcissists are no exception to this rule. They, too, are the victims of gaslighting by their grandparents. It’s common for narcissists to either deny outright their victim’s version of a story or make it seem like they are overly sensitive or took something the wrong way. It’s an effective tactic that can undermine the self-confidence of their grandchildren, and that damage done can last a lifetime.

7. Buying Loyalty

Another tactic that narcissistic grandparents regularly employ is to buy their grandchildren’s loyalty. They often do this despite the objections of their own children. They will buy the grandkids that expensive gift the parents wouldn’t or couldn’t give them. They use this kind of tactic to create a ‘special’ relationship between themselves and their grandchildren. This not only gets their grandchildren to be loyal to them, but it also undermines your parental authority. Narcissistic grandparents might, for example, buy your children a gift that you didn’t want them to have. They will often go against your express wishes even though you have told them why you don’t want the kids to have the item in question.

How Can You Protect Your Children from Narcissistic Grandparents?

If you know your grandchildren are exposed to narcissistic grandparents, you want to act in their best interests to prevent any long-term damage to their self-esteem or self-confidence. You also want to try to preserve their relationship with their siblings, which is something narcissistic grandparents will damage if left unchecked. There are several things you can do to prevent the damage narcissistic grandparents will do. Here are some of the best ways to protect your children:

▪ Set Strong Boundaries

The first thing you need to do is set strong boundaries with the narcissistic grandparents in question. They should know explicitly what is and what is not acceptable behavior. They should also be told exactly what the consequences will be for violating those boundaries. Consequences should include the possibility of going no contact. In fact, even if you feel you could never do that, you should leave that possibility on the table.

▪ Monitored Visits

If you fear that your parents are doing things to undermine your authority as a parent or cause conflict between siblings, you should exercise your option to monitor their interactions when they’re visiting with your children. That allows you to step in if they begin doing something you don’t want them to do.

▪ Limited Visits

Another way to control your children’s exposure to their toxic grandparents is to simply limit the time they can spend with them. You have a right as a parent to control how long your parents spend with your children. You can set a specific time limit so that there isn’t as much time to do the kind of damage that narcissists like to do. You also have the right to control when your parents can visit with their grandchildren.

▪ Off-Limits Subjects and Activities

You also have the right to set limits on what your parents can talk about around your children and/or what activities are off-limits. To ensure they don’t violate these boundaries, you’ll likely have to monitor their visits. There’s nothing a narcissist loves more than breaking the rules set for them by other people, so, don’t expect them to abide by your rules; you need to make sure they do for yourself. As a parent, you want to do everything in your power to protect your children from any dangers or challenges they might face in their life. Narcissistic grandparents are a very formidable threat to your child’s wellbeing, and it’s vital to ensure they can’t do the kind of damage that children of narcissists know so well. You not only want to take the steps mentioned above, but you also want to help them protect themselves emotionally.

Most Common Lies of a Narcissist

Narcissists lie frequently and feverishly. They are trying to convince themselves as much as they are trying to convince you of what they are saying, and they want to manipulate you to do what they want you to do. While many people see a narcissist as someone who is in love with themselves, it’s more accurate to say they are in love with an idealized self-image. They project that self-image so that they won’t have to deal with their own wounded self. Because this makes them dependent upon external validation of their projected ideal image, they have to maintain an almost constant control over the people and circumstances around them. To do that, they lie pathologically to get what they want and manipulate people and circumstances to make them appear as their ideal self.

Common Lies Narcissists Tell

These are the most common lies the narcissist will tell to control or manipulate the people around them. While everyone may use these deceits from time to time, for the narcissist, these are habitual lies.

1. I’m the Best!

As part of their need for external validation, narcissists display traits of grandiosity and superiority. They believe themselves to be superior and expect to be recognized as such. In fact, they almost have a need to be recognized as such. Toward that end, they will take great satisfaction in reminding you in both large and small ways just how much better they are than you. Once again, this is nothing more than a disguise they use to hide their true sense of inferiority.

2. I Promise (With My Fingers Crossed)!

Narcissists will frequently make promises they can’t — or won’t — keep. There is a pattern among people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder of failing to follow through on their obligations and agreements. It doesn’t matter much if it’s a mild obligation like missing an appointment or something major like a relationship commitment. The only time a narcissist meets their obligations is when it is in their self-interest. If they’re promising something, you can bet their fingers are crossed.

3. I’m Really Great — Just Ask Me!

Narcissists over-inflate their sense of self by bragging, name-dropping, showboating or exaggerating. They do this to let you know they are special, important, powerful, attractive or popular. They are constantly talking about themselves in a flattering manner. Deep down, their self-esteem is very different. They tend to be masking a vulnerable sense that they are nothing without that external validation.

4. Don’t Worry, I’ve Got Everything Under Control!

Narcissists don’t care much about rules and boundaries. They frequently engage in activities that are devoid of morality, ethics or credibility. These can range from minor offenses to serious ones. In fact, narcissists often thrive on breaking the rules. It makes them feel special. If you express concern, they’ll quickly tell you that there’s nothing to worry about, but that may not be the truth. It may also not be something over which they have control.

5. It’s Not Me, It’s You!

No matter the situation, the narcissist will not take responsibility for their own actions. It is always someone else’s fault, usually yours if you’re in an intimate relationship with a narcissist. Blaming their victims not only absolves them of responsibility for their own actions, it allows them to exercise control over their victims. They get pleasure out of causing you to question your own perceptions of reality.

6. I’m Here for You, Not!

The truth is that the narcissist is only here for themselves. Like a salesperson, they know the right thing to say to gain your trust and appear supportive. They usually do this only because they want something from you. They use such charismatic tactics to manipulate your emotions and exploit your weaknesses. You are little more than another conquest for the narcissist. Once they have what they want, they will no longer be there for you.

7. I’ll Change, Trust Me!

When a narcissist realizes they have pushed you beyond your limit, they’ll often try to win back your affections by promising to change. This is typically when you’re at the point of breaking off all contact with them. They will make this promise and beg for your forgiveness. The problem is that they will not be able to keep this promise. Instead, they are just trying to get you to back off your resolve to end the relationship. They will say almost anything to prevent that, but they will not likely be able to do much to change, at least, not without significant long-term therapy.

8. I’m Disappointed in You!

Narcissists demand almost constant attention from close friends and family members, and if they are not getting that, they feel a sense of disappointment. In reality, what they are asking from their close relations is unrealistic, and when they don’t get it, they behave like a petulant child. By expressing their disappointment in you, it’s their way of throwing a tantrum because they didn’t get what they wanted. They rely on their manipulation techniques to get you to give them what they want, and when that doesn’t work, they lay the blame at your feet by calling you disappointing.

9. You’re Nothing Without Me!

This is nothing more than a manipulative tactic the narcissist uses to keep their victim close. They will try to make you doubt your own abilities and fear leaving them. They will try to make you think that there’s nothing out there for you, and you’ll do best to stick with them.

Final Thoughts

The lies of the narcissist only reflect the depth of their illness. Inside, they are little more than a frightened, damaged child lashing out at you with lies and misdirection. In doing so, they can cause significant damage to your own self-esteem. To keep yourself from succumbing to their deception, you’ll have to first recognize the common lies they tell. You’ll also need to set strong boundaries to prevent them from doing more damage. This is particularly true if you can’t or won’t break off all contact with them. You deserve better, so take steps to protect yourself from narcissistic manipulation.

How a Narcissistic Co-Parent Can Manipulate Your Child

A narcissistic co-parent often influences a child in two potent ways. These maneuvers exploit a child’s fundamental need to protect his or her attachment relationships and are difficult to undo once enacted. Understanding how these dynamics impact a child may be pivotal in assisting a child who is under a narcissistic co-parent’s "spell." A healthy child enters this world neurologically, psychologically, and emotionally “hard-wired” to attach to primary attachment figures. Even before the infant is born, he or she is able to recognize a primary caregiver’s voice.

At 6 weeks, an infant is able to smile at caregivers and at 3 months, an infant can recognize an attachment figure’s face, smell, and voice. Rooting, crying, grasping, smiling, and babbling are examples of an infant attempting to attract attachment figures and solidify the bond. Assuming a caregiver’s response is consistently empathic, the infant may develop a secure attachment style. If a parent fails to routinely meet the infant’s biological and emotional needs (providing soothing and comfort in times of distress), the young child may develop an insecure attachment style.

However, the worst-case scenario occurs when the infant’s physiological and emotional needs are repeatedly neglected for prolonged periods of time. In response, the infant may adopt an avoidant attachment style. This often results in an infant’s constant and continual withdrawal from the attachment figure. Provided the infant has a secure or insecure attachment style, she may progress through childhood with a strong instinct to protect her attachment figures, as well as the bond they share. It is a compulsion often exploited by a narcissistic co-parent.

First, the narcissistic co-parent frequently frames himself or herself as the victim in a divorce. For example, he or she may say to the child, “I never wanted this. I am broken. I’ll never be the same. I’ll never survive this. All I want to do is love your mom. I am all alone.” These sentiments allow the narcissistic co-parent to position himself or herself as the victim in the scenario while simultaneously posturing the other parent as the person who “hurts,” “mistreats,” and “abuses.” In a millisecond, the child’s perception of the healthy parent changes.

Due to a child’s inclination to protect an attachment figure and an attachment bond, the child may rush to aid the “vulnerable” parent. Ironically, the narcissistic parent does not need to say anything derogatory about the other parent in order to successfully position him or her as the ultimate “bad guy” in the child’s eyes. By painting himself or herself as the wounded party, the narcissist automatically positions the other parent as the antagonist and seizes the opportunity to invite the child to take care of him or her.

In many cases, the child immediately strives to help the narcissistic parent, and then feels responsible for this parent’s emotional welfare. Coaxed into turning away from the healthy parent and convinced that she is the narcissistic parent’s “lifesaver,” she is trapped. During this process, the child is often deceived into thinking that healthy love is bad and unhealthy love is good. This pattern of relating, or working model of attachment, may dupe a child in his or her adult life as well.

The second way a narcissistic co-parent manipulates a child is by obtaining emotional control of the child. An emotionally abusive parent lavishes a child with love and affection when the child does what he or she wants. However, when the child offers a feeling or perspective that the narcissistic parent does not like, he or she shames the child and immediately withdraws his or her love. The child experiences emotional abandonment, albeit temporary, and is traumatized. To avoid this emotional obliteration in the future, the child complies with the narcissistic parent's requests.

For example, a child is spending time with a narcissistic co-parent and admits that she misses her other parent. Instead of providing empathy and allowing the child to contact the parent, the narcissist may pervasively shame the child and withdraw love. The child quickly learns that in order to avoid the pain of emotional abandonment, she must ignore her own needs and feelings and do what the narcissistic parent wants.

In addition, the child instinctively realizes that the healthy parent provides unconditional love. She intuitively senses the healthy parent’s attachment is secure. It is not going anywhere, ever. Alternatively, the child is quite aware that the attachment bond with the narcissistic parent is constantly in jeopardy. If she gets it right and is able to do and say what the narcissistic parent wants, she receives love. If not, she is emotionally abandoned. Avoiding the pain of emotional abandonment may become the child’s goal. Because one attachment relationship is secure while the other is constantly at risk, the child may feel compelled to attend to the elusive love, or it may vanish.

Although these manipulations are plain as day to a healthy parent, the child may not be able to decipher them. Pointing out the narcissistic co-parent as a manipulator may not help because the child has already been convinced that the secure parent "has it out" for the co-parent.

For example, two people are fighting over a doll. One person has been pulling the doll’s arm for a long time and has successfully wrangled the doll onto his or her side. If the other person begins tugging on the doll’s opposite arm, the doll may be ripped apart. Although a child should never be compared to an object, the analogy may help a parent understand why attempting to get the child on his or her side, safe from the narcissist, may backfire. It may be best to empathize with the child’s feelings when she opens up about her inner conflict, without directly “calling out” the narcissistic co-parent. If she realizes she can talk about her feelings without drama ensuing, she may be more inclined to continually ask for help.

For example, saying: “It hurts to feel like you can’t say what you really feel in a relationship. I get it, honey.” Or, “Feeling guilty is awful. I get it. People who make you feel guilty for not doing what they want are difficult to deal with. I understand.” Or, “It’s scary to feel like you’ve lost someone’s approval. I would feel the same way.” Although it seems as if the narcissistic co-parent has won, stay in the fight without throwing a punch. Be there for the child and empathize with everything she feels. Sticking with her feelings and refraining from attacking the narcissist may help the child realize one parent is not pulling her arm. Discussing the manipulative dynamics instead of the manipulative parent may keep the conversation safe for both the parent and the child.

Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: The Do’s and Don’ts

Congrats are in order, you’ve managed to divorce a narcissist (or maybe you were lucky enough not to marry them in the first place). Not an easy feat! But co-parenting with a narcissist is just as tormenting, if not more so. Narcissists dwell in anger and live for vengeance. They must be the winner, the best, and take great pleasure in tormenting you…still. Years could pass, but a narcissist can be unrelenting. They view themselves as special, entitled, and above others…everyone else is simply inferior. They manipulate reality (lie and cheat), then justify it to themselves and others to make their wretchedness seem necessary and okay. Until your children become adults, your narcissist co-parent will be in your life, and in the lives of your children. It’s like a nightmare you can’t wake up from.

While you can’t change your ex or make them aware of their problem, there are things you can do to set boundaries, protect yourself, and protect your children. Should you try to prove to the court that your co-parent has a personality disorder like narcissism? This is a REALLY tough one to answer. When the abuse is not physical, a personality disorder like NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) is a hard thing to prove. A narcissist isn’t willingly going to seek therapy for self-improvement (they’re perfect, the problem is everyone else), so there likely won’t be an official, clinical diagnosis. Do, however, keep a sharp attorney – one with experience in dealing with toxic individuals – on speed dial. The problem with proving narcissistic personality disorder in court is the time, expense, and difficulty of actually proving it. The effort will be exhausting and expensive and, in the end, could prove futile. The family court system simply isn’t set up to deal with the sh*t-storm associated with narcissism or other personality disorders, for that matter.

Highly-skilled NPD charmers easily dupe the courts, as they do most people. A judge may not see that your NPD co-parent is simply using the court to torture and control you through the kids. I’ve known a few brave souls to attempt to prove to a judge that their ex is indeed a raging narcissist. None could. In fact, one brave woman tried for over four years – court dates, mandated evaluations, even lobbying the government – but nothing came of it.

How do they get away with it?

Your narcissistic co-parent will use their talent for manipulation and deception to concoct the perfect parent persona- only interested in the best interest of the kids…all the while you know it’s a load of hooey. But what the court CAN do is order both parents into co-parenting counseling, which may or may not help (probably the latter). In most cases, your ex won’t even show up for a single session. If they do, expect that they will devalue the therapist, petition the court for a different one, and then just stop coming altogether. What they want is a therapist who they can manipulate for their own agenda. A judge could also order both parents to take part in a psychological evaluation. They will usually recommend a special test called the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI). If your ex doesn’t find some way to outsmart it (they could), it would reveal a lot to the court.

Once the judge knows that, in fact, your ex indeed suffers from narcissistic personality disorder, they can make far better decisions regarding the best interests of your children. Just don’t get your hopes up. A judge could also place your child on the witness stand. When answering questions in front of the NPD parent, you know there is a power play going on right in front of you. But most people can’t see how the very presence of an NPD can be so conniving, powerful, and threatening to a child. It’s hard to see how scared the child is, and how they are totally under the NPD parent’s control. With one look, the child is ‘told’ what to say – agreeing with and validating everything the NPD’s side says. Until family law has a better way to recognize and deal with narcissistic parents, you’ll likely be forced to share parenting time 50/50.

Narcissists as Parents

The most unfortunate part of all is that being raised by a narcissistic parent is tough on children. Really tough. A narcissistic parent is a system gone wrong. Instead of a parent putting the needs of the children before their own, the child is groomed to take care of the needs of the narcissist parent. Narcissistic parents often view their children as an extension of themselves and try to control or manipulate them into being who they want them to be. The level of manipulation, brainwashing, demoralizing, and self-esteem destruction that a narcissistic parent inflicts upon a child is sadistic.

How do you know your kid won’t turn into a narcissist like their other parent?

The exact cause of narcissistic personality disorder is unknown, but most professionals believe that there is a combination of biological and genetic factors at play. Narcissism affects males more than females and tends to start developing during the late teens or early twenties. And while it’s very common for children and teenagers to display signs of narcissism, most outgrow this over time and don’t progress into full-blown narcissists. Every time my toddler had a meltdown (much resembling those of his adult NPD father) I would panic. I couldn’t help but wonder if he too was a budding narcissist with borderline tendencies. It’s a tough thing not to question, and there’s no way to know for sure. However, many people have been raised with only one good parent and turned out just fine.

And for the record, my toddler has grown into a sweet, caring, empathetic, sincere child who can deliver a genuine apology when he knows he’s in the wrong or breaks the rules.

What personality disorders are found in children of narcissistic parents?

As I said, don’t panic! Not all children of narcissists become narcissists themselves, especially if they have one stable, emotionally healthy parent. But some children are susceptible, depending on the level of abuse and how the narcissist parent treats your child. Different types of narcissists (can) produce different types of children

The High-Functioning, Achievement-Obsessed NPD Parent

This type of NPD parent is driven to succeed (at least outwardly) at all costs. He/she is usually a CEO and expects his/her children to become CEO. Everyone in their family must look the part and be THE BEST. They need Trophy Kids! They insist their children conform to what they want for the child, with little regard for what the child wants for themselves in life. They insist that their offspring be ‘better than’ and admired by others; Outward appearance and image are everything. The children are praised and loved ONLY when they toe the line. With this type, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. The children tend to become high-functioning narcissists themselves or could rebel eventually.

The ‘I am God, I must be worshiped by all’ NPD Parent

This type of NPD parent demands admiration, from everyone, especially from their offspring. It’s the NPD’s world and everyone else in the household is allowed to live in it, as long they know who is king (or queen). When the child dares to offer an opinion that differs or disobeys an order, they will be devalued. Conversely, when they are good little worshipers, they get rewarded with love, gifts, and attention. Children raised by this type tend to have lower self-esteem, as they are never allowed to feel special or celebrated for being themselves. They may doubt their self-worth and stay in that role. Or they may become determined to achieve greatness in order to prove something to their parent, but still, can always feel an underlying sense of ‘not quite good enough.’

The Covert NPD Parent

The covert NPD is more under the radar, especially is their public persona. But at home, they can divide and conquer. They’ll choose a favorite, a golden child, then devalue the rest of the siblings who aren’t as outwarded talented and vivacious. They see the golden child as their pride and joy and shower them with praise; They are never criticized. The NPD views this ‘chosen one’ as an extension of themselves. This child can go on to become confident and successful. Or, one day they may realize that they are not the best at everything, and other people may be just as talented, or more so. They will feel confused and angry when the world doesn’t bow at their feet the way they are accustomed to. Then there are the ‘others.’ The other siblings who don’t measure up to the golden child can grow up feeling ignored, and not important.

Overt, Devaluing NPD Parent

This parent’s message to their children is that they are not good enough and that they will never be good enough. They blame their own bad behavior or disappointments on the children. If only that child were smarter, better, more this, more that, less this, less that – then things would be good. These children will internalize this message and self-esteem could always remain slightly out of reach.

Neglectful NPD Parent

This is where things get very scary. Since this NPD is only looking out for numero uno (themselves), they may neglect the children completely. At best, they leave their kids in the care of nannies or other functioning adults. At worst, all-out neglect. At an early age, these children realize they are on their own in this world, and they must take care of themselves, and any younger siblings. They learn that the parent is basically useless and cannot be relied on. These children literally take life into their own hands. They can become resilient, resourceful and strongly independent. When they become adults, they realize that their childhood made them mistrustful and it can be hard for them to get close to people. The ones who had to take care of younger siblings too usually never want children of their own.

Malignant NPD Parent

These parents are extremely toxic and dangerous to children. They treat their kids as slaves and punching bags, as tools who have zero feelings. The children are there to serve them. This type of NPD can be physically abusive. If you suspect even a morsel of physical abuse, GET HELP IMMEDIATELY. Talk to your lawyer about getting the children removed asap. Engage other resources to help as well. Therapy, Therapy, Therapy.Your kids will need it. Heck, don’t you? Living with any type of narcissist can be damaging to one’s sense of self. Imagine being (partly) raised by one. A good therapist can help mitigate the horrid impact that a narcissistic parent has on the emotional health of your children. Get them to go once a week if possible, for as long as they need…which may be well into adulthood. Think of therapy as damage-control – the sooner you start, the better.

They Still Want to Make You Pay

Your ex NPD will still want to control everything financially. They feel entitled to your money too. If you were a stay-at-home parent, chances are they don’t see it as ‘your’ money anyways. (Don’t try to explain the concept of community property to a narcissist. Trust me, I’ve tried!) Even if you make a tiny fraction of what your ex makes, they’ll insist you pay 50% of everything. My ex once sent me a bill for a pair of socks and a hair bow. Expect them to sign the kids up for club sports and fancy camps and insist you pay half. They’ll know you really can’t afford it, though they easily can. They will be persistent; they don’t tire easily in their constant campaigning against you. My ex loves to sow those rumor seeds. Spreading lies about me gives him joy. They will present themselves as innocent victims of their evil ex (yes, you). They are brilliant when it comes to manipulating situations/people and twisting the facts to fit their confabulated narrative.

Narcissists will have a nonstop and well-rehearsed litany of complaints about you to spew to anyone within earshot, all the while making themselves appear to be the perfect parent. They will tell people that the divorce was all your fault. Poor little them – abandoned and discarded for no reason at all. And people will believe them, for they are awfully good at what they do. They will trash you as a parent to other parents around town. And if you’ve moved on with someone else, they will trash your new partner, too. Mine told parents in my son’s class what an awful parent I was. Some believed him, making it so they refused to let their kids have playdates with my son at our house. Whenever we invited a kid over, the parent would get visibly uncomfortable and then not-so-slyly suggest the playdate be held at their place instead.

They will trash you to your own children

I’ve learned to live with the gossip and side-eyes. But even more damaging (abusive actually) is that a narcissistic co-parent will speak badly about you to your own kids. They do this as a way to ‘win’ love by trying to ‘steal’ love away from you. Insane thinking, I know. Do they not know love is limitless? They believe that by making you look bad, they look better. And an NPD always has to be “better than” at all times. NPDs will continue to do what they do best: triangulate, trash talk, and control. Only now that the focus is off of you, it needs redirection. Every good narcissist needs a target, and it could be your kids. While his tactics didn’t work on my son, they did on my daughter. A narcissist acts like a general – and every general needs loyal soldiers. When he’s angry with me, she must be too. When he calls for a cease-fire (usually because he wants something from me), only then can she be at ease. He reinforces that the divorce was all my fault time and time again – keeping me the enemy. Not only am I the enemy, everyone in my household is too: my husband, her half-brother, even our cat. She and I were very close, but the well has been poisoned by his malicious tactics, and now she barely acknowledges me. It eats away at me. My son, a seemingly older soul, is more resilient to his smack-talking. Some kids are. My son is more aware that his fathers’ actions are not okay. He’ll say things like, “Dad really didn’t have to scream at you about XYZ, he could have just asked nicely.” Out of the mouths of babes, I couldn’t have said it better myself. Whereas when my daughter witnesses his angry outbursts towards me, she’ll respond with, “well, you deserved that Mom.”

Parental Alienation

This is one of the most heart-breaking things that can happen to a family. The loss of the loving parent-child relationship you once knew gone, all because your ex had to ‘win’. The loss of laughter, hugs, genuine bonding and conversation feels like the surgical removal of your heart (performed without any anesthesia while you’re wide awake). The loss of precious time with your child is time you can never get back. Much like with NPD in the hands of the family court system, parental alienation is also a hard thing to recognize and prove. Even though it is generally accepted that victims of a narcissist can develop an array of mental health issues, depression, and anxiety, the courts don’t really recognize parental alienation as a real thing, sadly. I’m holding onto my daughter by a thread. Some days I see warmth and openness, and other days she just repeats a laundry list of complaints relayed to her by her father: “You should get a better paying job” or ‘You need to buy me XYZ because that’s what child support is for.”

9 Steps You Can Take to Co-Parent with a Narcissist

While you can’t control the way your ex NPD interacts with your children, you can control how you interact with your ex. Here are some important tactics:

1. Keep your distance and avoid conflict.

Avoid your narcissist ex whenever possible and ignore their cruel remarks. Narcissists like making noise, tune it out. Do NOT let them rope you into a hostile conversation about the divorce, or the past, or even the present, it’s a recipe for disaster. And NEVER engage with them while they are having one of their typical, epic, explosive, rage-fests. You can’t reason with crazy so don’t try (you should know this by now though). If you find your ex trying to engage you into conflict, don’t take their bait. Stop all communication immediately. Just take a deep breath and walk away/hang up/stop texting. Also, this is probably an obvious one, but don’t put yourself in a situation where you are alone with them, duh. Co-parenting with an NPD can be like banging your head against a wall. Much like when you were married. There’s a haunting saying; “When you’re divorced, with children, you’re never really divorced.”

2. Keep communication simple, short, and business-like.

Stick to brief, basic, to the point, interactions (text or email is best). Keep the sole focus of your conversations on the well-being of the kids, and nothing more. Always keep good documentation too; There is even app for this – it timestamps and verbiage can’t be altered after the fact! When your NPD ex drags you back to court (expected) you’ll have definitive records to work with.

3. Work out a detailed, finely-tuned schedule.

Spell out the specific days when the children are with each parent, including holiday and vacation specifics as well, even if seems petty and unnecessary. Settling this up from the start saves you from future conflicts and makes for less communication with your ex over logistics.

4. Choose Your Battles.

My narcissistic ex is conniving and angry, and co-parents with a vengeance. He goes low every chance he gets, even for the pettiest of things. Take the time he ripped me a new one because I rescheduled – not missed – my son’s karate class due to a scheduling conflict, on my parenting time, due to a scheduling conflict. He may be nannied up, but I can only be in one place at one time. He’s like a lurking paparazzi hungry for even the measliest scrap, anything he can spin to use against me. One morning, I showed up to volunteer in my kid’s class only to find he wasn’t there. The teacher informed me that he was pulled from school earlier because ‘Dad took us to the museum.’ Did I make a peep? No. Or when I found out that my 5-year old son got on a plane, by himself, without my knowledge or permission? Again, no peep out of me. The list goes on and on. Why do I let him slide? Because I have to pick my battles. And besides, it’s usually a battle that cannot be won – at least not without emotional collateral. Next time your ex does something vial that you know they would tear you to pieces for if things were reversed, just ask yourself: Is this battle REALLY worth it.? You only get a small handful.

5. Rise Above

Narcissistic qualities (i.e. lack of respect, constant critiquing, blaming, and trash-talking) are in direct contradiction to the skills required to maintain a solid co-parenting relationship. So since co-parenting in the traditional sense is sadly not an option, think of it as ‘parallel parenting’ instead. As a healthy parent, you MUST rise above and put your children’s feelings above all the BS that comes with co-parenting with a narcissist. Maintain your Zen – stay cool, calm, and collected. Be the reason why your children have some peace in their lives. Of course, this is easier said than done. You don’t have to go it alone. If you’re struggling with recovering from narcissistic abuse, there are resources that can help. One of the best I’ve found is Dr. Judy’s Be the Cause Mind Map System.

6. Be the best parent YOU can be – and don’t expect anything from your ex.

But how do you instill goodness when the NPD constantly models the opposite!? All you can do is be their role model and be their rock. It’s a long game. Be the example of how to handle challenges in a constructive, rational, not overly emotional manner. Model that it’s ok to be upset or frustrated without flying off the handle or screaming in someone’s face. Your children must see that there are better ways to solve problems and express opinions. And that it is ok for others to have an opinion that differs from their own; That a difference of opinion doesn’t warrant a verbal attack or otherwise.

7. Live by example.

Show them what normal, healthy actions and reactions look like, especially when faced with difficulty. Model humility. Your children won’t learn about empathy, compassion, and forgiveness from their other parent. Show them what a genuine apology looks like (they’ll certainly never see that from their narcissist parent). Exemplify emotional intelligence and doing the right thing. Always take the high road –when they go low, you go high. Absolutely no smack-talking about your ex to the kids, even though they hear it consistently from their other parent. Badmouthing their other parent feels to them like you are talking badly about them. For they see themselves as a part of each parent. Kids have a natural want to love both their mother and father.

8. Be the better person.

It’s a hard burden to bear and a tough pill to swallow sometimes. My daughter may never come around, or maybe she’ll come around once she has children of her own. All I can I do is exemplify goodness and love… as I wait…and wait…and wait.

9. And remember: Only you can control you.

You do you; There ain’t a dang thing you can do to change your ex’s parenting skills–or life skills in general. Why even worry about what is or isn’t going on over there (unless there is imminent danger or abuse, then act yesterday). Show your kids stability. Stay focused on your main goal of putting your children’s best interests first and foremost. Break the wheel! And most importantly, love them no matter who they are, or who they want to be, without condition. They’ll appreciate you for it, if not today then one day! A narcissist will forever attempt to strip you of your confidence in yourself and in your parenting decisions. Do not let them. Stay strong survivors of narcissistic exes! The only thing worse than divorcing a narcissist is co-parenting with one. At least there’s a light at the end of the tunnel with a divorce! You’re stuck co-parenting with your narcissist ex for years to come. Remember, the narcissist’s game is all about manipulating you. That’s what drives their fragile little egos.

This Is How A Narcissist Chooses A Husband Or Wife

If you have a partner who is a narcissist, you might reasonably be wondering why they were attracted to you. It’s not uncommon to think that there must be something wrong with you if they were attracted to you. It’s easy to think that you somehow should have known or that you have some kind of problem of your own, but the situation is much more complicated than that. Narcissists are looking for some very specific characteristics in a spouse that will benefit them the most. These traits are typically thought of as being good, but the narcissist uses them to their advantage. Narcissists may also look for certain weaknesses that complement their own bad behaviors.

Traits the Narcissist Looks for in a Spouse

By the time a narcissist is looking for a spouse, they’ve usually received feedback by that point in time about their bad behavior, so they learn what to look for that will work to their advantage. One of the things they prize in a partner is a forgiving nature. They may not have empathy for the hurt they cause other people, but they need someone who will not hold their actions against them. Empathy is a trait they also prize highly in potential partners. In fact, empaths are people whom narcissists find very attractive. Their desire to help other people means they are more willing to forgive a narcissist for their bad behavior and sacrifice their own needs to help them. Narcissists also look for people who are self-sacrificing. They are frequently attracted to people who are codependent. Codependent people — because of their own traumatic childhood experiences — are willing to sacrifice their own needs for those of the people they love.

That suits the narcissist just fine because they don’t want to have to focus on the needs of other people. They are concerned only about their own needs. Narcissists also require their partners to be loyal, although that loyalty only works one way. Narcissists often cheat on their partners, but they fly into a rage if they even suspect that their partner may be doing the same thing. They don’t see the hypocrisy in this, and they don’t understand how their own disloyal actions affect their partner. Codependent people often have another trait that narcissists prize; they are frequently overly responsible. This complements the narcissist’s irresponsible nature. Another trait of a codependent person is that of being very accommodating. They will put up with last-minute changes and just go with the flow, something narcissists are not able to do.

Are Narcissists Attracted to Other Narcissists?

Narcissists can often be attracted to other narcissists. This is particularly true for grandiose narcissists. Both love the limelight, and at least initially, they can have a great time together. They understand each other in a way that others cannot. The traits that often attract narcissists to other narcissists include the tendency to focus only on the good and overlook the bad. Narcissists don’t like to focus on anything they have done wrong, and so, they appreciate that same trait in their partners. It means they don’t have to examine their behaviors. They are also attracted to someone who has an external locus of control. Narcissists are externally focused. They may care more for how someone looks, for example, as opposed to how they act. The narcissist never wants to look inside, and so, someone who won’t force them to do that is preferable to another potential spouse. If two narcissists are able to get beyond the inevitable devaluation stage that happens in most relationships involving someone with this personality disorder, they can even go on to have a long-term relationship.

What are the Stages of a Narcissistic Relationship?

Many people who get involved with a narcissist report feeling initially as if they had found their soulmate. The narcissist seemed so supportive and loving, but that didn’t last, and they soon showed their true colors. This is typical in relationships with narcissists. The narcissist begins by charming the person they are interested in, and they will pay attention to what that person likes and desires. They seem very supportive of their needs, and they are so loving and kind. During this initial stage, the narcissist is busy learning everything they can about you, including what your weaknesses are. When they start to think they have gotten you hooked on them, they start to show their true colors. This is when the devaluation stage begins. They start making more demands of you — usually unrealistic demands — and they criticize you when you are unable to meet those demands. For you, their victim, this seems unbelievable. You can seem to reconcile this new behavior with that of the person you fell in love with at the beginning of your relationship. It’s typical for victims to make excuses for the narcissist at this point. You might think, for example, “He’s really stressed at work,” or “She hasn’t been getting enough sleep.” The emotional abuse doesn’t stop, however, and you usually start to realize this is what the narcissist is really like. If you stay, you may begin to doubt your own sense of self, and your self-esteem may start to suffer. Many people leave the narcissist at this stage, but if they suspect you might do that, they often turn the charm back on to lure you back in. Even if you don’t fall for that, the narcissist will likely come back into your life at some point.

Is There a Difference Between Male and Female Narcissists?

There are some differences and some similarities in what male and female narcissists are looking for in a spouse. Female narcissists focus more on their looks and will often use their feminine wiles to get what they want. Male narcissists are more focused on their possessions and their status. Both male and female narcissists, however, are looking for partners they can control. They want someone who makes them look good too. For a male narcissist, that likely means a beautiful woman they can show off to their friends. For a female narcissist, that likely means a man who makes a good living or is in a high-status profession. Both still need the same kind of narcissistic supply — that constant adoration that props up their self-esteem — and both will happily manipulate not only their spouse but their children too. The main differences between male and female narcissists are in how they go about manipulating their victims.

Does a Narcissist Love Their Spouse?

This is a tricky question, because narcissists, like anyone else, have feelings, and no one can ever truly know what is in the heart of another person. It may seem that a narcissist loves you, at least initially, but as sociologist, Virginia Stein, states, “Sadly, they might appear to love, very convincingly, but I don’t believe they have the capacity to love.” Many narcissists express love for their partners, but the problem is they don’t treat them very much like they love them. To feel loved, you need to feel understood, respected, and supported. Narcissists don’t feel empathy in the same way healthy people do, and so, they have difficulty understanding your feelings. They can’t put themselves in your place. What’s more, narcissists are focused on themselves, and so, they don’t bother to really try and understand your needs or desires. They are only able to see what it is they need or want and how they can go about getting their needs met. Another factor is that the constant manipulation employed by narcissists causes pain and bad feelings. It doesn’t feel like love. While they may truly feel love for the people close to them, the problem may lie in the fact that they don’t seem to know how to express that love. They definitely fear intimacy because, if you get close to them, they fear you will see the truth about their hateful and flawed true self. They can’t let you get that close both because you will see the truth and also because they will have to face it too. That means that even if they do feel love for you, they will always keep you at arm’s length.

Can A Narcissist Destroy An Entire Family?

Narcissists are selfish individuals who don’t have a strong sense of self. They need other people to feed them a steady diet of love and praise so that they can maintain their grandiose ideas and false self-image they’ve created in place of a real identity. To get that narcissistic supply, they will do almost anything. Additionally, they love drama and will happily create problems within the family dynamic. Because of the way a narcissist manipulates the people around them, they can create so much disruption within a family that they destroy it. They use triangulation to sow distrust among family members. They also use blame-shifting to scapegoat loved ones. This can completely destroy the family. It is absolutely critical to understand what a narcissist can do to the family unit if you want to preserve your family. If you don’t understand the kinds of things they can and will do, it can cause a family breakdown. Let’s examine how narcissists can do this and what you can do to prevent it.

How Do Narcissists Disrupt the Family Dynamic?

The manipulation tactics a narcissist uses can completely destroy their entire family. It can leave individual family members with lifelong mental problems, and it can sever the bonds they have with each other. They do this using a number of toxic manipulation tactics. Let’s take a look at some of these techniques and what they do to the family.

They Use Triangulation to Sow Distrust

Narcissists will use triangulation to sow distrust among family members. They will tell one of their loved ones something and then they will tell someone else a completely different story. For example, they may tell one family member, “Your mother said you’re being selfish, but I really think it’s your sister who is being unfair.” Then they tell the sister, “I don’t care what Mom says, I think you’re in the right.” This pits the two siblings against each other and both against their mother. If someone tells you something like this, you don’t know who you can really trust even if you do confront the other parties. It’s an extremely destructive technique that narcissists use often.

They Lie as Easily as They Breathe

Narcissists have no compunction about lying to any member of the family whether it’s a parent, a sibling, or some other close family member. They do this routinely and easily. They justify it in their own mind as something they are entitled to do because of their superiority. Of course, this is disruptive to the family dynamic, particularly if the lies are designed to break strong family bonds. Narcissists do this for that reason and also because they like the drama it creates. It does create drama too since the players involved don’t know who they can trust or believe. They often won’t speak to the other family members, so they may not ever discover that the narcissist has lied.

They Gaslight to Distort Reality

Narcissists also regularly use gaslighting to distort reality and cause their loved ones to be uncertain of their own perceptions. They deny that something happened or call the loved ones involved overly sensitive. They may even claim that what happened was simply a joke. They will also make statements like, “That’s not what happened,” or “That’s what you saw?” They minimize the feelings and perceptions of their family members and insist they are innocent of any wrongdoing. To get the focus off themselves, the narcissist will often also scapegoat another family member and blame them for the misunderstanding. This toxic technique can create so much drama and misunderstanding that it unravels all of the strong family ties.

They Initiate Smear Campaigns

Narcissists will also go on what might be called a smear campaign against family members they feel have wronged them. They will tell everyone who will listen about how their brother or sister or child or spouse is crazy. They will talk about how they were wronged. They paint themself as an innocent victim of the toxic behavior of the family member they are smearing. When you become the enemy of a narcissist, they want to crush you, and they will stop at nothing to do so. This smear campaign may even go beyond the family to more distant family members or friends. Narcissists usually initiate a smear campaign when they fear you are close to revealing the truth about them. They want to undermine your credibility before you have a chance to damage their image.

Narcissists Have No Loyalty

While a narcissist will demand loyalty from everyone around them, they will not give any in return. They may make you think they’re with you all the way, but the moment the going gets tough, they will throw you right under the bus. When they do this frequently enough to family members, it creates resentment. It undermines the relationships between themselves and other family members, but it also damages the relationships between other family members. The narcissist will demand that other family members take sides, thus damaging the family bonds. As life coach and author Angela Atkinson writes about the time her narcissistic mother lied about her to child protective services, “I would learn later that it was even worse than I thought. She had ‘turned’ my brother on me. He had fallen for the lies and made-up stories she told him about what a terrible mother I was. She had “whipped him up into a frenzy,” as she was prone to saying, and made him believe I was neglecting and abusing my children.”

What Can You Do to Prevent a Narcissist From Destroying Your Family?

Healing begins with you. The first step to stopping the narcissist in their tracks is to heal your own emotional wounds and learn to set strong boundaries to prevent the narcissist from abusing you. Those boundaries need to include consistently enforced consequences. You don’t have to argue about it, just walk away or refuse to take part in the drama. While that can help you, how can you stop them from turning family members against you? This is where it is vital to maintain open lines of communication with the other members of your family. You need to be willing to clear the air if the narcissist has been spreading lies about you or other family members. You need to let your family members know that you value the relationship you have with them, and toward that end, you will let them know any time the narcissist says something about them. Let them know you would appreciate it if they would do the same for you. You also want to remind your family members that you love them. This can even include the narcissist. You can tell them that you love them, but you won’t permit their abusive behavior. It can set an example for other family members to follow.

Final Thoughts

Narcissists can destroy your entire family if their behavior goes unchecked. Before you can stop them, you have to get your own house in order and begin the process of healing yourself. With strong boundaries and healthy emotions, you can prevent them from abusing you and take steps to stop their abusive behavior toward other family members.