Am I narcissistic? How to tell

Am I narcissistic? How to tell

Narcissism describes personality traits such as vanity and self-admiration. NPD involves persistent narcissism that affects all aspects of a person’s life. Someone who is narcissistic may be excessively concerned with their appearance or have little time for focusing on others.

However, this is not necessarily a sign that someone has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Anyone can behave in a self-centered way at various points in their lives. NPD is a mental health condition with traits that may include an excessive need for attention, an inflated sense of self-importance, and a lack of empathy.

People with NPD find it difficult not to focus on themselves and may not recognize that they do this. NPD is a long-term condition that significantly affects a person’s relationships and emotional functioning. In this article, we look at what NPD is, the signs of NPD, and how it affects relationships. We also discuss whether narcissistic people can change and how they may go about doing this.

What is narcissistic personality disorder?

A person with narcissistic personality disorder may have an exaggerated sense of self-importance. According to the American Psychiatric Association (APA), NPD is a personality disorder involving “a pattern of need for admiration and lack of empathy for others.”

People with NPD may have a grandiose sense of self-importance and a sense of entitlement. They often lack empathy and may have little interest in developing intimate relationships with others. While someone with NPD may appear overconfident, they often have low self-esteem. Depending on how severe their disorder is, they may react badly when a person or event challenges their sense of superiority.

An older 2008 study in the Journal of Clinical Psychiatry estimates that 6.2%Trusted Source of people experience NPD at some point in their lives. Rates are higher among males (7.7%) than females (4.8%). The study also reports that NPD is significantly more prevalent among:

black adults

Hispanic females

younger adults

those separated, divorced, or widowed

adults who never marry

Signs of narcissistic personality disorder

The signs of NPD are wide-ranging and present differently, depending on the severity of individual cases. People with NPD may be:

self-admiring or self-loathing

extroverted or socially isolated

industry leaders or unemployed

model citizens or people involved in antisocial activities

Therefore, it can be difficult to recognize a person with NPD. However, the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) provides the following symptoms:

1. An exaggerated sense of self-importance

Having a grandiose sense of self-importance is a defining characteristic of NPD. People with NPD have a sense of superiority over others. It is not always obvious that someone with NPD feels superior to others. Some people with NPD appear confident and self-important, whereas others may appear to be insecure and self-deprecating. In both cases, however, the person firmly believes they are better than others. They may insist on having the best of everything or reject things that they feel are beneath them, such as a mundane job. Those with NPD may exaggerate or lie about their achievements.

2. A constant need for attention and admiration

People with NPD have a deep need for attention and admiration from people around them. This is because they typically rely on other people as a source of self-esteem and do not have a defined sense of self. Someone with NPD may exhibit attention seeking behavior to get the admiration they feel they need or deserve.

3. The tendency to monopolize conversations

According to the DSM-5, people with NPD display little genuine interest in the experiences of others. As such, someone with NPD may dominate conversations or lose interest in conversations that do not revolve around them. They may also use relationships for personal gain.

4. A lack of regard for other people’s feelings and needs

As those with NPD often lack empathy for others, they will consistently disregard the needs of other people. They often care very deeply what others think of them, but otherwise may find it difficult to understand or simply do not care about their feelings. Individuals with NPD can also be antagonistic towards people due to this lack of empathy, or if someone challenges their feeling of superiority.

5. Difficulty receiving criticism and regulating behavior

Those with NPD struggle to accept anything they perceive as criticism, as this can damage their self-esteem and sense of identity. They may lash out at the person who has offended them. It is important to note that for someone to have NPD, these signs must be consistent features of their personality in all situations. They may not be the result of their age, physical health conditions, or any medications they take. People with NPD often also have other mental health conditions, such as:

addiction

bipolar disorder

antisocial personality disorder

borderline personality disorder

depression

anxiety

suicidal thoughts or behaviors

Narcissists in relationships

People with NPD often have difficulties in interpersonal relationships. They can find relationships unfulfilling, especially when others do not give them the attention or admiration they think they deserve. Family members have described loved ones with NPD as being:

controlling

frequently dissatisfied with others

quick tempered

quick to blame others

emotionally, physically, or sexually abusive

Other people may not enjoy being around those with NPD or narcissistic traits due to the way they behave in relationships. Those with NPD may not apologize or accept blame when they are in the wrong. They may also be quick to anger, especially if they feel that their partner is criticizing them. As a result, it can be challenging to remain in a relationship with someone who has NPD. In some cases, narcissistic relationships can be unhealthy or even abusive.

Can a narcissist change?

While there is no cure for NPD, treatment can help people with the disorder to address the behaviors that negatively impact their relationships. The treatment for NPD is psychotherapy. Individual therapy can help people to:

understand their emotions and motivations

regulate their feelings and behaviors

recognize and accept their abilities and potential

set realistic goals

tolerate criticisms and failures

relate better to others

foster greater intimacy and enjoyment in relationships

live in the present rather than in fantasy situations

work on self-esteem issues

Sometimes, it can also be helpful for those with NPD to attend relationship counseling or family therapy with their loved ones. A 2015 reviewTrusted Source found that relationship counseling varies in its effectiveness, however. Most experts agreed, it is too risky for someone with a partner who uses violence against them to attend relationship counseling. It is important to note that, while narcissists can improve their lives and relationships, they must want to change. If someone with NPD does not think there is anything wrong, they may not seek out or engage in treatment. They may not consider that therapy deserves their attention. There are no medications to treat NPD, but people who have complications, such as depression or anxiety, may require antidepressants or anti-anxiety medications.

Summary

People with NPD have an inflated sense of importance, an excessive need for admiration and attention, and a lack of empathy for others. They often struggle to maintain healthy relationships and may experience difficulties in other aspects of their lives. Therapy can help those with NPD to better manage their lives and engage with others in meaningful relationships. Individuals who believe they have NPD and who wish to seek treatment should speak to their doctor or a therapist.

Aromatherapy and Meditation: Essential in Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse

Recovery from narcissistic and emotional abuse is an investment. It takes repeated, conscious effort (and often, money) over the long term. There isn’t a magical phrase or one-time action that will help one heal from Narcissistic abuse.

If our bodies are out of shape, we need to exercise at least three to four days a week in order to get fit. The same concept applies to getting our traumatized spirits and souls “into shape”. When we first learn we’ve been the target of an emotional manipulator, such as a Narcissist, we spend a lot of time reading and educating ourselves about the manipulative dynamics of disordered personalities. This is helpful because it helps us to understand why our abuser did and said the things they did, as well as to realize that nothing they said about us was really true.

However, as much as I encourage the need for educating oneself by reading about NPD and other personality disorders, there comes a time when such research should cease and, instead, turn one’s attention to recovery methods that are mandatory to enhance and enable the healing process. But before I go into those, let me explain why reading alone does not heal us from Narcissistic abuse.

When we read, watch television, or interact with other people, we do so using our conscious minds. But did you know that some neuroscientists estimate that as much as 98 percent or more of all brain activity is completely unconscious? What that means to us is that most of our decisions and thought processes are performed with our subconscious mind, outside of our conscious awareness. So, when we learn about personality disorders, we cognitively understand the material, but it doesn’t fully address the subconscious mind where stored or forgotten memories and suppressed emotions reside. Enter aromatherapy and guided meditations.

Aromatherapy

In order to access and release emotional trauma, we must stimulate the amygdala. One way to do this is through the sense of smell. The emotional part of our brains doesn’t respond to information obtained through reading, talking, or watching TV or videos. Our sense of smell is directly related to emotions that have been stored, often as far back as childhood. Smell is the only one of our five senses that is directly linked to the lobe of the brain that houses our emotions. Along with all positive emotions, negative emotions such as fear, anger, depression, and anxiety originate from this area. This explains why the scent of an apple pie baking might remind us of Thanksgiving at our Grandmother’s house, resulting in feelings of nostalgia and comfort. It’s also why certain smells can trigger deeply buried fears and trauma, such as those experienced with PTSD or C-PTSD.

Essential oils allow us to access these buried emotions and memories so that we can accept and release them. Emotions are energy moving within our bodies, which work at a faster speed than our thoughts. Words in a book, as well as pictures, can take a few minutes to process, whereas a smell can evoke a memory in mere milliseconds. Suppressed emotions and memories can lead to anxiety, panic attacks, and depression. Essential oils can help us surface and release these negative emotions from wherever they are stored in our cells or energy field. They are especially effective when used in conjunction with other healing modalities such as energy healing and massage therapy.

Guided Meditations

If we were abused, neglected, or unloved during childhood or within an emotionally abusive relationship, over time our subconscious mind accepts these events as truth about who we are. Worse, we often carry around these feelings of unworthiness without understanding why. This manifests in the form of low self-esteem, codependency, depression, and other lower states of consciousness.

In order to lessen or eliminate these unconscious beliefs and feelings of low self-worth, we have to “retrain our brain”. Just as it took a while for us to accept lies as truth, it will take time for us to reverse this process. Guided meditations are an effective and easy way to do this. It is recommended use of guided meditations at any time of day, but especially at bedtime. This not only relaxes you and prepares you for a good night’s sleep; the meditation will still benefit you even if you fall asleep.

Choosing which meditations you prefer are a matter of personal choice. Some people are sensitive to binaurals, so you’ll want to test them out first to see if they’re a good fit for you. Meditations are not only beneficial for healing the psyche, but also for repairing DNA, manifesting, and realigning the Chakras.

**Standard Disclaimer: The content provided is designed to support, not replace, medical or psychiatric treatment. If you believe you may have a condition, please seek qualified professional care.

Long-Term Narcissistic Abuse Can Cause Brain Damage

The effects of psychological and narcissistic abuse come with many devastating consequences, but there are two that almost no one knows about unless theyre a doctor or neuroscientist. In fact, these two outcomes may be the most destructive result of emotional trauma over the long-term and is an added reason why if you have children with a narcissistic partner you should try to leave as soon as reasonably possible.

By now, most of us know that repeated emotional trauma leads to both PTSD and C-PTSD, which should be reason enough to leave an abusive partner. But, what many people dont realize is that over time, these repeated emotional injuries shrink the hippocampus, which is responsible for memory and learning, while enlarging the amygdala, which houses primitive emotions such as fear, grief, guilt, envy, and shame.

Hippocampus basics

The hippocampus, which is Greek for seahorse, is a paired structure tucked inside each temporal lobe and shaped, in fact, like a pair of seahorses. It helps to store and release memory. The hippocampus is especially vital to short-term memory, the retaining in mind of a piece of data for a few moments, after which it either gets transferred to permanent memory or is immediately forgotten. Learning depends on short-term memory.

Further, among the many analyses that have been conducted, one in particular shows very disturbing results. In a study conducted by a team of the University of New Orleans and Stanford University researchers, patients with the highest baseline cortisol (a stress hormone) and greater number of PTSD symptoms had the greatest decreases in hippocampal volume over time.

In other words, the longer you stay with an emotionally abusive partner, the more deterioration you can expect of your hippocampus. It can be easily understood how this neurological process may enhance feelings of confusion, cognitive dissonance, and abuse amnesia in victims of narcissistic and psychopathic abuse.

Amygdala basics

Narcissists keep their victims in a constant state of anxiety and fear, which in turn causes their victims to react from his or her amygdala (or reptilian brain). The amygdala controls life functions such as breathing and heart rate and the basic emotions of love, hate, fear, and lust (all of which are considered primal emotions).

Its also responsible for the fight or flight reaction. Victims of narcissistic abuse live in this state almost daily. Over time, the amygdalae remember the things we felt, saw, and heard each time we had a painful experience. Subliminal hints of such stressful events (even photos) will set off the organs attack or escape routines triggering avoiding behaviors or internal turmoil (another good reason to refrain from stalking your ex on social media).

Even after the toxic relationship has ended, victims suffer PTSD, C-PTSD, panic attacks, phobias, and more due to the triggering of their primal fears by their overactive amygdalae. Out of these fears, targets of narcissistic abuse often engage in primitive defense mechanisms including (but not limited to):

Denial Victims use denial to escape dealing with painful feelings or areas of their life they dont want to admit.

Compartmentalization Victims pigeonhole the abusive aspects of the relationship in order to focus on the positive aspects.

Projection Victims project their traits of compassion, empathy, caring, and understanding onto their abuser, when in fact, narcissists and other emotional abusers possess none of those traits.

Narcissistic abuse changes your brain

According to Goleman (2006), everything we learn, everything we read, everything we do, everything we understand, and everything we experience counts on the hippocampus to function correctly. The continual retention of memories demands a large amount of neuronal activity.

In fact, the brains production of new neurons and laying down connections to others takes place in the hippocampus (Goleman, 2006, p. 273). Goleman also stated, The hippocampus is especially vulnerable to ongoing emotional distress, because of the damaging effects of cortisol (p. 273). When the body endures ongoing stress, cortisol affects the rate at which neurons are either added or subtracted from the hippocampus. This can have grave results on learning. When the neurons are attacked by cortisol, the hippocampus loses neurons and is reduced in size. In fact, duration of stress is almost as destructive as extreme stress. Goleman explained, Cortisol stimulates the amygdala while it impairs the hippocampus, forcing our attention onto the emotions we feel, while restricting our ability to take in new information (pp. 273-274). Goleman adds,

The neural highway for dysphoria runs from the amygdala to the right side of the prefrontal cortex. As this circuitry activates, our thoughts fixate on what has triggered the distress. And as we become preoccupied, say, with worry or resentment, our mental agility sputters. Likewise, when we are sad activity levels in the prefrontal cortex drop and we generate fewer thoughts. Extremes of anxiety and anger on the one hand and sadness on the other push brain activity beyond its zones of effectiveness.(p. 268)

But, there is hope. There are reparative activities you can do to restore and rebuild your hippocampus and stop the hijacking of your psyche by your amygdala.

What to do

Luckily, as brain scans have now shown (thanks to the magic of neuroplasticity), it is possible for the hippocampus to regrow. An effective method includes the use of EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). One recent study showed that 8 to 12 sessions of EMDR for patients with PTSD showed an average of a 6% increase in the volume of their hippocampi.

EMDR is also beneficial for counteracting the hyperarousal of the amygdala, allowing the brain to more appropriately direct what needs to happen rather than remain stuck and unnecessarily trigger problematic emotions. Other methods that have been shown to repair both the hippocampus and amygdala include:

Guided meditation Recent studies from Harvard University show that daily meditation can help repair the brain by actually rebuilding the brains gray matter. Study participants who spent an average of 27 minutes per day practicing mindfulness exercises showed a major increase in the density of the hippocampus and amygdala and associated reductions in stress, compared to a control group.

Aromatherapy and essential oils Please see article: AROMATHERAPY AND MEDITATION: ESSENTIAL STEPS IN RECOVERING FROM NARCISSISTIC ABUSE

Performing acts of kindness simple, daily practice of altruism can dramatically alter your outlook on the world.

EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) helps correct the biochemical short-circuiting that occurs with chronic anxiety.

Of course, the first course of action would be to plan and implement an exit strategy. It takes time to recover from narcissistic abuse and one short encounter can set you back enormously.

Rebuild Self-Esteem After Narcissistic Abuse

What is self-esteem or self-worth?

Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself. It’s similar to the concept of self-worth (and I will use the terms interchangeably in this article). Our goal is to have high self-esteem, meaning we feel good about ourselves most of the time. We know we have intrinsic value. And we know we are still good and worthwhile people even when we’re imperfect and make mistakes. Self-esteem isn’t conceited. It doesn’t mean that you think you’re the best or better than others. People with high self-esteem recognize their strengths and good qualities—and also their weaknesses or areas in need of improvement. They generally feel confident, capable, and worthwhile, but know they aren’t perfect. Unfortunately, lots of people don’t feel good about themselves. This is especially true for people who’ve experienced abuse or relational traumas (such as betrayal, infidelity, child abuse, or abandonment).

How does narcissistic abuse affect self-esteem?

People with narcissistic traits can be manipulative. They blame and criticize, and need to be the center of attention. They shift the blame, making you think you’ve done something wrong. They rarely acknowledge their shortcomings and instead convince you that you are the problem; you’re wrong, incapable, or stupid. As a result, we second-guess ourselves and don’t trust our own judgment or perceptions.

People with narcissistic traits can be volatile. They are quick to anger and sometimes make irrational or unrealistic demands. They are unwilling to compromise and always have to be right. So, we learn to walk on eggshells. We focus on keeping the person with narcissistic traits happy or calm by minimizing or denying our needs and feelings. We discount our needs and wants and think they don’t matter or are wrong. We stop asserting ourselves and become passive or passive-aggressive.

People with narcissistic traits can be cruel. They are critical and harsh. This leads us to feel inferior and defective. And because we don’t feel worthwhile, we don’t take care of ourselves. We become focused on keeping the peace and making others happy. We don’t want to be called selfish, so we don’t do anything for ourselves or ask for much.

After narcissistic abuse, people often feel:

Defective or like there is something fundamentally wrong with them.

Useless, like they can’t do anything right and have no value.

Disconnected from themselves.

Afraid to assert themselves. They may become people-pleasers and pushovers.

Self-doubt. They have difficulty trusting themselves and making decisions.

Self-critical.

How to rebuild self-esteem after narcissistic abuse

Rebuilding self-esteem is a process. It’s something that you’ll need to work on consistently for an extended period of time. Bit by bit you will start to feel better about yourself and it will be reflected in the way you treat yourself, the people you choose to spend time with, your dreams and goals for the future, and so forth.

A note for those still experiencing narcissistic abuse: The strategies below are suggested for those who are recovering from previous abuse. It is very difficult to build self-esteem while you are still experiencing narcissistic abuse (or any form of abuse). It’s like swimming against the tide. If you are in an abusive relationship with anyone (partner, sibling, parent, etc.), I encourage you to reach out for help from your local support resources.

Self-Care

Not only is self-care essential for your health, but it also demonstrates that you care about yourself. When you brush your teeth, spend time with friends, or eat healthfully, you are saying to yourself, “I am worth taking care of. I deserve to be healthy and happy.” Most people who have experienced abuse or relational trauma don’t feel worthy of self-care—but don’t let that stop you from practicing self-care! Through consistent acts of self-care, you are building a sense of worthiness. Start by asking yourself what you need throughout the day. Do your best to meet your needs. For example, if you feel hungry, eat. If you feel tired, rest. If you feel lonely, connect with others. Focus on acts of self-care and the feelings of worthiness will follow.

Connect with Your Authentic Self

It’s hard to think highly of yourself if you don’t know who you are! In abusive, codependent, or “lopsided” relationships, the focus is on meeting one person’s needs rather than what both people need. And when you focus so much of your time and energy on someone else, you can lose sight of who you are, what matters to you, what you like to do, and so forth. So, it’s likely that you need to reconnect with your authentic self. I encourage you to take some time every day to connect with yourself. This might include journaling, a spiritual practice, trying something new to see if you like it, or getting back to something you used to enjoy or participate in to see if it’s still of interest.

Trust Yourself

It’s important that you know you can count on yourself. You can build self-trust much in the same way that you build trust with others. Start by keeping your word to yourself. When you tell yourself you’re going to do something, do it. It’s important that the goals or commitments you make to yourself are doable. Start with a commitment that you absolutely know you can accomplish—because this builds self-trust. This isn’t the time to set lofty goals that are out of reach. Keep it simple and realistic. For example, if you want to reduce the time you spend on social media, you might start by setting a goal to reduce your usage by 15 minutes rather than trying to give it up cold turkey. When you follow through and cut back by 15 minutes, you are building self-trust, a sense that you can count on yourself not just when it comes to this goal, but you can trust your judgment and decisions regarding the important things in your life.

Listen to Your Feelings

Feelings provide valuable information. For example, feeling scared or uncomfortable alerts you to danger, while feeling resentful lets you know you are being taken advantage of. It’s important to pay attention to your feelings so you can act accordingly to take care of yourself. One way we cope with abuse is to suppress our feelings; we stop paying attention to them, or we notice them, but don’t take action to meet our needs and feel better. So, you will probably need to intentionally practice noticing your feeling. A great way to tune into your feelings is to pay attention to the bodily sensations that accompany them. How does your body feel when you’re tired? What are the bodily sensations that let you know you’re hungry? What are the physical signs that you feel anxious or worried?

Be Assertive

Standing up for yourself is another way to build self-esteem. Being assertive, such as setting boundaries, protects you from being mistreated. And like self-care, assertiveness is necessary for your health and wellbeing, and it reinforces that your opinions and needs matter. Being assertive can feel very uncomfortable, even scary, for many abuse survivors. Practice being assertive with “safe people”. These are people who respect you, are interested in your opinions and wellbeing, and can tolerate disagreements. And start by speaking up about small things and then work your way up to setting more important boundaries. Perhaps, to start, speak up about which movie you want to watch or practice saying no to small requests. This will help you build confidence in your boundary-setting skills.

Being a victim of abuse is not your fault

Abused empaths take responsibility for everything that happens to them – regardless of whether it is in any way their fault. Abusers, on the other hand, spray accusations all around them like bullets, taking responsibility for precisely NONE of the mayhem that they cause. According to their own narrative, abusers are never responsible for any of the harm that they do. None of it was their fault.

As a general principle, when someone says that they are without fault, I see ABUSER writ large in front of my eyes. I have had too much firsthand experience of self-professed People Without Fault and the damage that they inflict on others. Conversely, when someone tells me that they are ultimately to blame for Everything, I sense a likely victim of abuse. It takes someone who has had a long training in carrying the heavy burden of other people’s accusations for a very long time to assume blame for Everything.

The problem with being a wounded empath

Being an empath with a wounded, fragile sense of self is that it leaves you with few certainties about yourself. That leaves you with a major problem. Through no fault of your own, it doesn’t take much to send you into melt-down. All attacks on you hit their mark. You become defenseless against the attacks of your so-called “near and dear ones” – despite doing nothing to deserve it. Sadly, that defenseless extends out to others who do not even enjoy that privileged status. In fact, those “near and dear ones” have trained you to accept that it is always open season on your psyche. Your role in all of this is, essentially, to stand there and be target practice.

What really happens when you “fight back”

I often hear from women who protest that they “fight back”. To the best of their ability, they do. Unfortunately, they fight back with a view to getting the offensive person to retract their accusations. They try, in other words, to get the abuser(s) to change their opinion. Abusers – rightly in my view – register this attempt as an acknowledgement of the overwhelming importance of their good opinion. Why ever would they choose to give up that power? So “fighting back” serves only to lock you into an ongoing battle with an abusive partner. You tell yourself that you need the validation that they will never give you to be – and see yourself – as a worthwhile person. Now, that is already quite crazy-making enough. Unfortunately, there are other factors that make it even worse.

The victim blaming tradition

From popular wisdom – “You made your bed. Now lie in it.” – all the way through to the Law of Attraction, there is a line of thinking that argues that the victim is somehow responsible for the bad people and things that happen to them. I don’t buy that, at all. Rather, I find it deeply offensive and damaging. This is, in fact, fits comfortably with the long tradition of – unthinking – victim blaming. The wasband’s last – and most expensive – psychoanalyst actually asked me to go in and see him. When I did, he informed me, “It takes two to tango.” (The wasband was happy to pay for platitudes because he and his analyst enjoyed a meeting of two small minds.) The shadow side of the Law of Attraction would have you believe that you “attract” the bad into your life, as much as the good. At its most obscene, that kind of approach suggests that you caused your own cancer by not being sufficiently “woke”, or whatever.

What makes victim blaming a smart move

Blaming the victim is usually a smart – move for the accuser, anyway. People who have been habitually victimized are used to shouldering the blame for anything in which they are even tangentially involved. I see that tendency in my clients and I know that I did it myself in the bad old days. (At one stage I agonized about causing my mother’s demise – according to my father. Happily, mother invalidated father’s diagnosis by surviving for a further four decades. In rude health. I use the word “rude” advisedly.) Abusers are totally shameless. They will blame you for anything and everything that serves their ends. The more pain their accusations cause you the better, as they see it.

You cannot accept blame and heal

Your healing hinges on you rejecting all these appalling claims of being at fault. You cannot accept that you are at fault for an abusive person’s behavior and heal. Bad things and bad people have played havoc in your life because you were not in a position to defend yourself. Most of us lurch into an abusive relationship with a partner because we suffered abuse growing up. As children, we had no possibility of protecting ourselves from abuse. By adulthood, we automatically accept the blame that other people foist on us. Your healing requires you to understand your own wounds and take responsibility for moving beyond past mistakes. But that is a very different thing from being at fault and causing the damage. Nobody, as far as I know, ever says, “I hereby declare that I am going to do everything in my power to attract to me people who will use, abuse and make me feel worthless, powerless and invisible for the longest time.”

Your abusive partner was not your fault

Your abusive partner was not your fault. Your tolerance of abuse was not your fault. That trope about you “attracting” toxic people into your life is, in reality, another form of abuse. By people who lack compassion. I totally believe in taking responsibility for your present and your future. I believe in owning responsibility for your own part in your own past. However, I do not believe in accepting the negative judgement that a critical, hostile, interested party passes on you.

The key difference between you and an abuser

The time has come for you to trust in yourself. Unlike an abuser, you are not the kind of person who would dream of diminishing your own responsibility for anything to make yourself look better. Rather, you have an ingrained pattern – that you need to lose – of accepting any accusation that makes you look and feel worse. In reality, you do, and always have done, the best you possibly for other people can in any circumstances. Now, it’s time for you to do that for yourself first of all. And if that means rejecting the accusations of being at fault, that is what you need to do. Besides, all those accusations of being at fault were never intended to help you improve in any way. They were designed purely to keep you stuck in a situation of inferiority. The grown up way is different. As and when you do make a mistake – which we all do – instead of agonizing about “faults”, you simple make appropriate amends. Then you move on. End of story.

Written by Annie Kaszina

The Importance of Self Care When Coping with CPTSD

Trauma can affect a person’s emotional, physical, and psychological well-being in various ways. Because the trauma experienced may be unique to an individual, their response to a traumatic event is also unique and may include: flashbacks; trouble sleeping; avoidance of people or places that may trigger an emotional reaction; dread; an overall feeling of numbness; difficulty sleeping/nightmares; anxiety; self-destructive behavior; difficulty concentrating; aggression; or, difficulty with memory and cognition.

While the DSM-V (2013) recognizes these symptoms as associated with PTSD, some may go on to develop more severe symptoms associated with CPTSD which has been identified as a syndrome specific to survivors of chronic, repeated trauma (child abuse, narcissistic abuse, captivity). An important consideration in healing from CPTSD is to engage in the practice of self-care.

Self-care is more than simple acts of getting enough sleep, especially when symptoms of CPTSD are affecting the quality of your life. Here are several tips to help ensure that your self-care is centered on helping you heal and re-engage in life.

Awareness.

Becoming aware of what your body is telling you is important in learning to create a self-care program that is geared to your specific needs. For example, recognizing if you’re feeling run-down, unusually tired, anxious, or depressed can help you with changing your sleep schedule, or taking a break when needed. Awareness can include recognizing if you’re experiencing symptoms such as mental fog, exhaustion, physical limitations, or basically anything that negatively impacts your daily life. By becoming more aware of your mind/body/emotions connection, you can empower yourself in your self-care.

Pro Tip: Keep a journal on tap so you can jot down your thoughts, feelings, or body sensations as you’re having them, along with the time of day, and what you’re doing.

Meditation.

Because intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, and anxiety are commonly experienced with CPTSD, meditation can be an excellent way to help self-calm and to redirect your energy. Research suggests that meditation and mindfulness techniques are often safe practices and can be especially useful in conjunction with therapeutic intervention.

Social Support.

Social support may include close friends, family, significant other, or a trusted counselor or therapist who can help provide emotional support for you along your self-care journey. Social isolation is commonly reported in those with CPTSD because many often struggle with public places, noise, or emotional triggers. Because symptoms can be challenging for those battling CPTSD, having someone to talk to for encouragement, guidance, or just a shoulder to lean on is important in helping with healing.

Consistency.

Consistency is about sticking to a routine, which should include daily tasks such as getting quality sleep each night, personal hygiene, eating a healthy diet, drinking plenty of water, and keeping a schedule of daily chores. Those coping with the effects of CPTSD often struggle with simple tasks such as getting out of bed because of the emotional and physical exhaustion that often accompanies them. Having a daily schedule is important for helping in healing and re-engaging back in life.

Pro Tip: Jot down a daily schedule starting with simple tasks (showering, making your bed) and consider building one new task daily, or each week as recommended by your support team.

Are Narcissists Happy With Themselves?

On the surface, it may seem like narcissists are universally happy. After all, they appear entirely confident and self-assured. They seem to have no remorse when it comes to manipulating others or twisting reality. And their self-esteem is to the moon…or is it? Are narcissists happy? Do they love themselves and the life they live? Or is it all an obnoxious facade?

As it turns out, the relationship between narcissism and happiness is incredibly complex. While they can undoubtedly feel joy, their fragile self-esteem often makes them feel hollow and depressed. Additionally, their overinflated complex of self-importance makes it challenging to enjoy the things that generally make other people happy.

Are Narcissists Happier Than Normal People?

Narcissists Happier Than “Normal People?” Do narcissists have the upper hand when it comes to experiencing happiness? Do they get all the pleasure without any of the pain? Are their lives easier than everyone else’s? These are all complicated questions without overly straightforward answers. While more studies are examining the impact of narcissism on mental health, there is still a lot that we don’t know. And because narcissists inherently downplay, lie, and omit information, even the best research may be skewed.

They May Be Less Depressed

Some preliminary research suggests that people with narcissistic personality disorder may have lower rates of depression than others. For example, in a recent CNBC interview, researcher Kostas Papageorgiou, shared that narcissists fundamentally believe they deserve the best in life. Due to this belief, they often work extremely hard to overcome adversities. Overcoming such obstacles can build mental toughness, which may offset depression and low self-esteem. It can also build self-esteem, a factor closely associated with happiness. However, this research doesn’t inherently suggest that narcissists are happier than other people. Instead, they may simply have higher levels of self-esteem and self-worth.

But They’re Probably More Insecure

In contrast, another recent study cited insecurity fuels narcissistic behavior. This research suggests that narcissists use various ‘flexing behaviors’ (bragging, gaslighting, disregarding others, and showing off) to compensate for their deeply-rooted feelings of inferiority. Narcissism, in a sense, is an entire defense mechanism. At a core level, they know their behavior is destructive. They may even be entirely aware of their narcissistic patterns. But they feel compelled to continue seeking attention, reinforcing why they keep doing it.

5 Reasons Why Are Happy With Themselves

Can a narcissist be happy despite their selfish or conniving behavior? Do they genuinely like themselves, or is it just a massive cover-up?

Why narcissists are happy with themselves:

They don’t feel empathy

They tend to go after what they want

They prioritize their Narcissistic Supply

They don’t need someones approval

They shield themselves from pain

They Don’t Feel Feel Drained By Empathy

It’s a misconception that narcissists don’t feel any empathy for others. Many of them do. They can care about other people and things. However, their own needs will usually trump anything (or anyone) else. Empathy is on their terms, and it’s a relatively finite resource. In some ways, their empathy only stretches as far as their own emotional limits. Empathy isn’t a choice. Many self-described empaths report feeling exhausted by how much they listen and give to others. Even people who don’t identify as empaths often feel burnt-out or anxious after heavy interactions with others. But empathy doesn’t work that way for narcissists. They may feel sorry for someone else, and they can certainly feel sadness, anger, or fear, but empathy tends to be more cognitive than emotional. Often, they will “attune” to what they think other people need rather than respond genuinely and organically. This explains why narcissists can seemingly present as great listeners. They may seem deeply concerned about the welfare of others. They can appear to be closely paying attention to whatever you say. In reality? They’re probably listening because they’re collecting information about you, your life, and your weaknesses. They will likely use those details to benefit their best interests later.

They Tend to Go After What They Want

Have you ever seen a narcissist apply for a job they were grossly unfit for just because? Or have you ever watched a narcissist mercilessly pursue a specific talent without any prior experience? When narcissists set their minds on achieving something, they don’t let backlash or fear get in their way. Instead, they go after what they want, and they can be ruthless in their endeavors. This mindset likely triggers some happiness. Research shows that regularly taking risks is good for your mental health. It can benefit your self-esteem and boost your confidence.

They Always Prioritize Their Narcissistic Supply

Have you ever noticed how a narcissist always has someone or something to validate them? This phenomenon isn’t random- it’s highly prioritized and intentional. Narcissists rely on their narcissistic supply for self-worth and confidence. Even though this supply doesn’t provide an authentic form of happiness, it can (temporarily) make them feel whole. A supply can be anything that makes them feel valid, approved, and important. This supply can come from relationships, money, careers, and status. In many contexts, even negative attention can fuel their supply because it still focuses on them. The more “full” their supply feels, the happier they are. The cost, of course, is steep. Because a supply can ebb and flow, they often feel constant pressure to maintain their goods at all costs.

They Don’t Need Anyone Else’s Approval

How often do you care about what others think? If you’re like most people, you want approval. You may question yourself or avoid taking certain risks because you worry about what others will think. Many people avoid living authentic, meaningful lives because they fear the fallout associated with potential rejection. This is part of human psychology- we value a sense of belonging and want to fit in with others. It’s no secret that narcissists don’t generally operate on this same fear. They do what they want- they usually want approval for it, but it isn’t an essential requirement. If something is that important to them, they don’t let anything get in their way. In fact, they will often do things to spite other people. Attention is often more important than approval, so if they get attention for something, that keeps them motivated.

They Always Shield Themselves From Pain

Narcissists don’t let other people hurt them. Instead, they engage in narcissistic abuse to protect themselves. While these harmful tactics undoubtedly hurt others, they don’t really affect their well-being. Narcissists have no concept of sitting or tolerating their emotions. They attack or run from them altogether. At the first sight of trouble, a narcissist may gaslight, blame, smear, or cut out someone entirely. They don’t necessarily try to work it out. They don’t engage in introspection or compromise. Instead, they protect themselves and their egos- in a shallow, childish way, this strategy can safeguard their own happiness.

7 Reasons Why Narcissists Are Unhappy With Themselves

So, are narcissists unhappy? Does their version of happiness always come at the expense of concealing their feelings, hurting others, and playing other mind games? As you can see, genuine happiness is challenging to measure when it comes to narcissism. Even if they appear to feel happy, it’s likely that their emotions are completely distorted. It’s also quite likely that they are lying to themselves and others. Here are some reasons indicating why narcissists are profoundly unhappy.

They can’t be vulnerable with others

They can’t be happy for others

They struggle with jealousy

They can never let their guard down

They have unresolved trauma

They never feel good enough

They struggle with other mental health issues

They Can’t Be Vulnerable With Others

Vulnerability is the glue of emotional intimacy. When we are vulnerable with someone else, we remove our defense mechanisms and let the other person truly see us. Narcissists struggle immensely with vulnerability. It terrifies them. They often perceive it as a sign of weakness, and they tend to avoid it all costs. Instead, they are entangled with their false selves. They may, at times, appear to be vulnerable, but it’s often calculated and scripted. They know what to do and say to make other people feel appreciated. In addition, they recognize how “faking” vulnerability often elicits empathy. That said, the narcissist often feels profoundly lonely. They don’t know how to connect with others. They don’t know how to be an authentic, flawed person. And so, they spend their lives in a land of make-believe, hoping that nobody else will see the truth.

They Can’t Be Happy for Others

If your loved one has good news, how does it make you feel? Typically, happy people can celebrate other successes and joys. Even if they feel somewhat jealous, they can separate that feeling from the other positive ones. Narcissists, however, tend to get enraged by someone else’s good fortune. Because they often feel entitled, another person’s success triggers immense rage and envy. This explains why narcissists often try to sabotage other people. For example, if you landed an exciting promotion at work, they may suddenly start badmouthing your boss or complaining that you still aren’t earning enough money. Or, they might turn the situation inside out and vent about how they never feel acknowledged in their career. In summary? They don’t know how to feel happy for other people because they don’t feel happy with themselves.

They Struggle With Immense Jealousy

It may seem paradoxical that such elevated egos coincide with such uncontrollable jealousy. But that is, in many ways, the crux of narcissism. As mentioned, narcissists experience immense entitlement. They believe the world owes them whatever they want. When things don’t go their way, they can’t comprehend why. Everything suddenly feels entirely unfair. Jealousy is the backbone of narcissism. They will get jealous of everything- someone else’s success, their relationship, their house, the way another person talks to them. They will get jealous of people they love, and they will get jealous of people they hate. The narcissist wants everything, and they especially want completely unattainable things. As a result, they often feel miserable and trapped within themselves. And so, they can’t be very happy because they’re always comparing themselves to others. If they feel they’ve fallen short, they feel angry and ashamed. They often must cut other people down to feel better about themselves.

They Can Never Really Let Their Guard Down

As you have probably noticed, narcissists can’t enjoy authentic relationships with other people. They must constantly evaluate the situation and try to meet their needs. Likewise, they tend to be suspicious and doubt other people’s motives. As a result, they are always testing other people’s loyalty. You’ve probably noticed this in your own relationship. The narcissist wants constant reassurance. They may accuse you of doing things you’ve never thought about doing. And even though they might not be committed to you, they expect utmost compliance and respect on your end. All this mental energy is exhausting. They can’t just sit back and relax. They can’t just accept that other people may, at times, disappoint them. Therefore, they feel tormented by their own psychological gymnastics.

They Have Unresolved Trauma

Research shows that trauma is a key risk factor in personality disorders, including narcissism. Trauma can affect all areas of one’s functioning and significantly impair one’s development. Childhood trauma, in particular, can be especially damaging. Many narcissists grow up in situations where physical or emotional abuse is prevalent. In addition, many experience neglect and constant feelings of unlovability. Narcissists don’t usually recognize the impact of their past traumas. For example, they may portray their childhoods as perfect. Or, they might identify that “bad things happened,” but they don’t acknowledge them beyond that basic sentiment. Unresolved trauma can lead to profound feelings of insecurity and inferiority. Because this is the core struggle most narcissists face, it’s reasonable to assume happiness is more of an illusion.

They Never Feel Good Enough

Narcissists measure their worth by their external achievements. A new car, an impressive job title, a massive net worth, a child’s stellar report card, a number on the scale. Checking off these achievements make them feel confident and happy. Of course, we all love the feeling of success, but narcissists rely on it to feel whole. That’s why they never seem to “stop.” They’re always on a mission to obtain more, do more, or feel more. It’s never enough because they’re never enough. And so, while they might feel happiness, it’s always a product of what they have earned. It’s never internal or intrinsic.

They Struggle With Other Mental Health Issues

Most narcissists also have other mental health conditions. For example, they may face anxiety or depression. There is also a high rate of eating disorders and substance use disorders. Narcissism can exacerbate other psychiatric symptoms. At the same time, those other symptoms often make narcissism worse. It can be a vicious cycle for the narcissist and their loved ones. That said, most narcissists won’t seek help for their emotional well-being. They often dismiss therapy or medication because they are skeptical of professional support. Furthermore, they won’t open up about their struggles because they don’t want others to judge them negatively. As a result, they must work extra hard to maintain the image they hold about themselves. Even if they feel like everything is falling apart, they aren’t necessarily willing to do anything about it.

Are Narcissists Happy In Their Relationship?

I think my partner is a narcissist. No matter what I do, it’s never good enough. They always have to point out something wrong or put me down. But there is no actual accountability for their mistakes. They’re always right! Am I the problem? Because I’m starting to think it might be me. I love my partner, but are narcissists ever happy in a relationship? And can a narcissist be a good person?

If that script felt eerily familiar, you probably know the first-hand effects of loving a narcissist. The relationship can feel chaotic, unnerving, and emotionally exhaustive. Narcissists can certainly be happy in relationships, but this happiness tends to be situational and short-lived. Subsequently, their happiness is also conditional- you must meet specific needs to ensure that the narcissist feels content.

They Always Want Things Done Their Way

Narcissists value power and control above anything else. They tend to be happy in relationships with submissive people who follow their commands. In other words, as long as you do what they say and respond appropriately every single time, they should be happy. Easy enough, right? Even when it seems like they appreciate your values and individual thoughts, they will discard them as soon as they jeopardize their desires. And so, the relationship is never fully equal. They can’t respect your autonomy because it might infringe on their needs.

They’re Never Fully Content

A narcissist wants the best of the best at all times. Even if their standard is entirely unrealistic, they won’t settle until they reach it. Therefore, they are always chasing the next best thing. Many narcissists start their relationships by love-bombing their partners. They meet someone, and that person seems perfect. For a brief time, it appears as if all their problems will be solved. That’s why they put other people on temporary pedestals. They feel amazed that someone else can fit their needs so perfectly! But eventually, they start recognizing that the other person has flaws. And these flaws, no matter how slight, feel tremendous and unacceptable. It all feels like a slap in the face. As a result, narcissists begin discarding their partners. This progression can happen quickly. One day, it may seem like everything is magical. The next day, it can feel like your partner hates you! You probably haven’t done anything wrong. Narcissists just don’t know how to accept people for who they are. They want things on their terms. If a person can’t wholeheartedly meet their every need, they often feel disrespected and even confused.

They Can’t Resolve Conflicts Effectively

Narcissists may seem to love arguing, but they don’t know how to actually manage conflict. When something goes wrong in the relationship, it will always be the other person’s fault. There is no personal accountability. Happy couples recognize that some conflict is inevitable. They aim to compromise with one another and be respectful during challenging times. But a narcissist wants power more than connection. They don’t want to sacrifice their needs for someone else. They also don’t really know how to regulate their emotions when they become upset- instead, they will usually yell, criticize, blame, or withdraw from the conversation altogether. Therefore, the same problems often continue resurfacing. You might always feel like you’re walking on eggshells. The narcissist might always feel like you’re intentionally trying to hurt them. This standstill makes it hard for anyone to feel happy.

They Can’t Tolerate Any Negative Feedback

What happened the last time you gave the narcissist a suggestion about doing something differently? Did they become downright hostile? Did they accuse you of overreacting or being difficult? Did they lie about what happened to make themselves look better? Chances are, the situation didn’t go very well. Narcissists can’t tolerate anything that resembles criticism. They will usually lash out at even the most benign requests. Anything that threatens their ego- no matter how slight- makes them feel emotionally paralyzed. Of course, the dynamic feels completely unfair. Although they can’t handle constructive advice, they have no problem constantly criticizing others.

They Always Fear Abandonment

Why don’t narcissists stay loyal to their partners? Why do they sometimes present as callous and aloof in their relationships? Although it may seem strange, most narcissists feel terrified by the idea of abandonment. That’s why they struggle with vulnerability and refuse to let their guards down. They don’t want people to see them for their true selves and reject them. Narcissism is a grandiose facade. Their superior attitude keeps them at a safe distance from others. But this distance results in them feeling perpetually lonely. Even if they want to connect with others, they don’t really know how. They fear abandonment, but they continuously engage in harmful actions that make others want to abandon them. It becomes a vicious cycle. They will blame other people for hurting or leaving them without recognizing how their behaviors trigger that response.

How To Keep A Narcissist Happy In A Relationship

You might be asking yourself these questions after reflecting on your relationship with a narcissist. First, it’s important to remember that there are no black-or-white, absolute answers. Narcissism, like all mental health disorders, is complex. Furthermore, it lies on a spectrum, with some cases being far more severe than others.

Why Is Narcissism Bad for Relationships?

Narcissism often creates unequal playing fields. The narcissist may be demanding and tyrannical. The other person tends to want to keep the peace and avoid conflict. If you stand up for yourself, you usually risk stirring more chaos. Narcissists struggle with empathy, respect, and compassion for others. They also find it difficult to trust people, even their loved ones. These issues make happiness challenging in a relationship. So, if you love a narcissist, how can you actually keep them happy?

Accept Them for Who They Are

Sure, you might long for a different dynamic or hope that they will change. They might even give into this narrative and promise to act better. But your own happiness requires a level of acceptance. If you want to stay in the relationship, you must accept your partner for who they are. Not who they say they will be. Not who you want them to be. Having unrealistic expectations will only make you feel resentful. If you can’t accept your partner, you need to reevaluate your motives for staying in the relationship.

Avoid Taking Things Personally

Narcissists project their feelings and insecurities onto other people. This tends to happen most often in relationships. If they’re upset with themselves, they will take it on you. Try not to give in, fight back, or take it personally. Doing so only makes the situation worse. It also makes you feel bad about yourself, even if nothing was your fault!

Set Limits

This won’t make the narcissist happy, but it will keep you happy. It will also make the relationship healthier because you won’t enable problematic behavior. You deserve respect. Narcissists don’t have the right to treat you poorly. But it’s your job to stand up for yourself and set nonnegotiable boundaries within your relationship. The narcissist might pout, complain, or try to break your limits. Try to prepare for these outcomes. And when the negative reaction occurs, stand firm. Remember that any happy and worthwhile relationship starts with your own self-respect. Instead of asking yourself, are narcissists happy with themselves, it may be helpful for you to reflect on if you’re happy with your current situation. Do you feel like your needs are getting met? Do you receive the respect you deserve? After all, your feelings matter, and you must take care of them! In mild cases, dealing with a narcissist can be draining and frustrating. In more serious cases, the relationship may be downright toxic and abusive. Regardless of your circumstances, it’s important that you focus on your well-being and prioritize your happiness.

The place of Stockholm Syndrome in Narcissistic Victim Syndrome

What is Stockholm Syndrome?

Stockholm Syndrome is a psychological term used to describe the paradoxical phenomenon of the relationship that develops between a captor and its hostage. In such a relationship, to the amazement of onlookers, the hostage expresses empathy and positive feelings towards their abusive captor, and often they will display a desire to defend them.

Seen through the lens of the psychoanalytic view, Stockholm syndrome is not a new phenomenon, it is in fact the same principle that can be witnessed in the developing infant. When a baby is born, they come into the world pre-programmed to bond with their significant carer, usually their mother. This instinctual bonding is the baby’s first emotional attachment bond with someone who displays power, compassion, comfort, security and safety; everything that maximizes the infant’s survival. So putting it simply, every infant experiences Stockholm Syndrome as a defense mechanism against its own annihilation, and it remains primed and ready to be triggered whenever there is a primal desire to survive trauma at any stage of life thereafter. When Stockholm syndrome is experienced as a result of narcissistic abuse, the victim, in effect, is regressing to a state of infantile dependence, and the infantile survival mechanism is likely to kick in involuntarily.

Understanding Stockholm Syndrome:

The psychological term, Stockholm Syndrome was coined by the criminologist and psychiatrist Nils Bejerot in 1973, after he assisted the police during a bank robbery in Stockholm in which four employees (3 female and 1 male) were held hostage by two captors for six days. During this relatively short time it was noted that the hostages had managed to develop a strong emotional attachment to their captors. It would seem that the hostage’s empathic feelings toward their captors were due to acts of kindness they had been shown during their ordeal. Unbelievably, these small acts of kindness seemed to negate the fact that their lives had been threatened, and even after several months after being released, some of the hostages still wanted to defend their captors. In fact, so strong were their feelings, that amazingly, two of the women demonstrated how much they had bonded; one woman became engaged to one of her captives, while another raised legal funds to aid their defense.

The Stockholm episode sparked off great interest and research into the phenomenon of emotional bonding between captors and captives, (abusers and victims). Psychology wanted to know if what was witnessed in the Stockholm Bank incident was a unique occurrence, or was it more common than was thought. Since then, studies have revealed that this behaviour (positive attachment) in the captives does indeed occur in many situations, for example; narcissistic abuse, battering (men and women), abused children, incest victims, rape victims, cult members, prison camps, pimp-procured prostitutes, prisoners of war, etc.

Stockholm Syndrome knows no bounds, it can be found in all kinds of interpersonal relationships in the context of social, cultural and other influences; For example, families, intimate relationships, friendships, marriage, parent-child, the workplace, social clubs, associations, schools, Churches, Cults etc. That means that the abuser can be anybody from: a father or mother, a brother or sister, a husband or wife, a son or daughter, boyfriend or girlfriend, a boss and employee, or indeed, any role in which the abuser is in a position of control or authority. This phenomenon is so wide-spread, that in fact, virtually anyone can become a victim of Stockholm Syndrome, it seems that all that is required is the four following conditions be present:-

That there is a perceived threat to the captive’s existence, and they fervently believe that the captor will carry out that threat.

That the captive experiences small kindnesses from their captor within a context of terror.

That the captive is isolated from any other perspectives other than those of their captor.

That the captive perceives they have an inability to escape.

It is vital to understand that the bonding behaviours detected in Stockholm Syndrome are notable examples of “emotional bonding and defending” are to be found in many instances that made news headlines over the decades. For example:-

the cases of 25 year old Mary McElroy in 1933, who was kidnapped for a ransom, and held for twenty-nine hours in captivity;

19 year old Heiress Patty Hearst who was kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army in 1974;

The passengers of the flight TWA 847 that was hijacked in Athens in 1985;

Jaycee Lee Dugard’s abduction in 1991 and held for 18 years by her captor;

10 year old Austrian girl Natascha Kampusch abducted in 1998, and held for eight years in a windowless cellar.

11 year old Shawn Hornbeck kidnapped and held for over four years in 2002;

There are many other cases, but in all of these cases, Stockholm Syndrome provided each of the victims with the necessary psychological shift that was necessary to survive their ordeal until such time that they were rescued.

The Part of Stockholm Syndrome in Narcissistic Victim Abuse:

So what does Stockholm Syndrome have to do with a client presenting with Narcissistic Victim Syndrome as a result of narcissistic abuse? The short answer is “a lot”. For that reason, it is important for a therapist to understand and recognize the components of Stockholm Syndrome. Without this understanding it is hard to fathom out why a victim stays under the control of the narcissist abuser for so long. A common question many therapists ask the victim, especially if it is an abused and battered women, is, “Why did you stay so long in that abusive relationship?” More often than not, the answer is, “Because I loved him”.

This may be your first clue to being in the presence of a victim who is showing signs of Stockholm Syndrome. Aware of the strong bond between herself and the narcissistic abuser, she internalizes this feeling as being “in love” with him (or her). Your client is totally unaware of the dynamics involved in the bonding process that occurs with abuse and prolonged trauma. What she is trying to do is to describe the feelings for the narcissist in the only way that she knows how. Desperate to be understood, she may even try to defend her feelings by saying something like, “I know it doesn’t make sense, but I just love him”. The truth of the situation is that she has no idea that she is the victim of narcissistic abuse, neither is she aware that she is suffering the effects of Stockholm Syndrome, therefore, she does not have the necessary information to make sense of the dynamics created by the bonding process.

From the many case studies of hostages, we can see that the bonding can occur within a matter of hours, however, in the case of domestic narcissistic abuse, you are more likely dealing with a victim who has been held in a hostage situation with their narcissistic abuser for many years without any intervention (especially a child who had the misfortune to having a narcissistic parent). Trying to exist while living within a spiral of behaviour that includes the extremes of constant threats and kindness (intermittent good-bad treatment); the victim goes through a process of feeling loved, while at the same time they are having their self-esteem shredded. These two elements together cause a power imbalance that can create the phenomenon of Trauma Bonding.

Living within a narcissistic environment there is a need for the organism to protect itself. As you can see, the victim has indeed been living like hostages in a war-zone for a prolonged time. They have been deeply submerged into a hostile environment, an environment where they live with the constant threat to their survival on all levels of the self (physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually). One component of the Stockholm Syndrome is the belief that their abuser will harm or kill them if they don’t comply. They have learned this lesson the hard way by oppressive behaviour and possibly severe beatings, and the constant threat that there is worse to come if they don’t tow the line (i.e. having witnessed extreme violence themselves, or witnessing it happening to another family member). With no perceived safe way of escaping, the victim responds with an adaptive behaviour called Cognitive Dissonance in order to reduce their anxiety.

Stockholm Syndrome as an adaptive behaviour to narcissistic abuse:

What happens in Stockholm Syndrome is that a primitive survival instinct takes over in the victim as a threat to life becomes imminent. It is a complicated process that helps them to tolerate the indescribable narcissistic abuse they are being subjected to on a daily basis. Even when things are going well, the victim is controlled by fear that things can change in an instant. In their survival mode, the victim gets to see the world from the narcissistic abuser’s perspective, and they begin to focus on their needs (rather than their own) in order to buy some safety. Because of the real dangers involved, the victim gives up any hope of escaping, and dissociation becomes a comforting friend. Unable to take “flight or fight” from their detestable life, the victim goes into a “freeze” response (where they become immobilized). Interestingly enough, this freeze response can be seen in animals that are under the threat of death by a predator. The animal feigns death by playing “dead”, ordinarily the predator will lose interest in its prey if it is not moving (not showing fear). Like the narcissist, there is no fun in a kill without a chase, and perhaps the victim knows, (somewhere in their reptilian brain) how to repel the narcissistic “stress monster”.

Over time, the victim becomes grateful for small mercies from their abuser, and they perceive any show of kindness or affection from them to mean that the danger has passed (for the moment at least); and for a while they can relax from their high arousal state of anxiety. Indebted to their benefactor for that reprieve, they convince themselves that their captor is really a “good guy”, and a pathological transference is established. As a result, a very profound behavioral and attitudinal reaction occurs within the victim in which they feel that they are both loved by, and in love with the narcissist; that way they can reciprocate with kindness and affection when really they are seething with anger (survival mechanism). This keeps the victim safe in that it represses their anger, thus staving off the narcissist’s reactions to rejection and abandonment that would be triggered if met with hostility.

Often, in fact, the victim will put themselves in such a self hypnotic trance of being in love with the abuser that they will defend their narcissistic persecutor to the outside world, and will even fight off attempts by others to rescue them. This makes it difficult for extended family to intervene, as it causes great confusion, and the family member may even become fearful that the victim will bring the wrath of the narcissist upon them. The victim also has a tendency to adopt a “pleaser stance”, which any therapist can easily detect. This pleasing behaviour is another strategy born out of a need for “keeping safe”; It is through the pleasing stance that the victim achieves a state whereby they can manage to comply with the abusers demands, give them what they need, and appear to always “go with the flow”. By being the pleaser, the victim manages to keep themselves safe from the inexplicable narcissistic raging attacks that come out of the blue when their narcissistic supply (the victim) fails to take part in the narcissist’s convoluted dance.

Stockholm Syndrome: A regressive mode of adaption to narcissistic trauma.

In the past, one of the problems of not identifying narcissistic victim abuse arose because, when it came to domestic violence, there was no understanding about the victim’s attachment to the abuser. Domestic violence historically was treated as a “private matter”, therefore it was viewed as a misdemeanor offense by the police and criminal judicial system. Police were reluctant to make arrests in these instances, however, when they did, they became very frustrated when the victims (mostly women) would drop the charges against the offenders. As a result these victims were viewed by the police (and families) as having some form of pathology that was somehow creating the domestic abuse in the first place.

Confused and abandoned (by their own self and society) the only safe place the victim could turn to was possibly their family physician. Time and time again the doctor would see these broken victims come into the surgery. Oblivious of the aggressor bonding that is taking place, all the compassionate doctor could do was to put a temporary sticking plaster over the physical wounds of the victim until the next incident occurred.

The importance of trauma bonding has been under-represented in research, very few professionals are aware of it, even professional psychotherapists. What confounds most people is how (or why) this “Trauma Bonding” can actually happen. If we were to apply logic to the situation regarding the victim’s attachment to the abuser, then most of us would say that using fear and threat with anybody is not a good strategy for gaining their co-operation and loyalty. Yet what we are about to reveal is that actually fear and threat, in a perverse way, is a very successful strategy indeed, because ironically, research shows that fear immobilizes and deepens attachment. As far back as Freud, it has been known that victims, in order to survive, would resort to a psychological process known as identification or interojection. Identification with the aggressor is a version of introjection that is found in Stockholm Syndrome. In Stockholm Syndrome, the victim adapts to the traumatic situation by unconsciously going into a regressive mode, essentially you can say, that they flip over and return to childish infantile patterns of behaviour. This regressive mode models their earlier experiences (as a child) when they first learned to identify with their first aggressor (usually the Mother) and form an emotional tie in order to reduce their stress and anxiety whenever they experienced fear. By regression I mean, that the victim makes a backward movement in psychological time to their earliest experiences of “bonding with the enemy” in order to manage their stress whenever they were afraid (part of the phase in the development of the super-ego functioning). No matter what age we are, when we are distressed we find ourselves becoming primitive or childlike, we return to our childish infantile patterns, and we retreat back into our old tried and trusted preliminary stages of defense (as seen in Stockholm Syndrome).

Living in the environment where there is narcissistic abuse, the victim in effect is living like a hostage under threat with their captor; this causes them to regress back to a time when they felt both helpless and extremely dependant on another for survival. Under these conditions both Cognitive Dissonance (a discomfort caused by holding conflicting ideas simultaneously), and Stockholm Syndrome (the return to childish or infantile patterns) develop on an involuntary basis. In Stockholm Syndrome, what occurs is the same principle that is seen in the developing infant. In order to survive, the child needs to develop an emotional attachment to a care-giver that displays power and compassion; usually this is the domain of the mother or primary care-giver.

In Stockholm Syndrome, we witness the emotional attachment (Trauma Bonding) that has developed incomprehensible between the victim and their narcissistic abuser. Most people find it hard to believe that this can happen, so how does it happen? It is easier to accept that this can happen when we understand that, right from the very beginning of life, the human condition has a biological need for attachment in order to survive, especially during times of stress and danger. The child paradoxically is in a dilemma; both terrified of his new world, yet desperately in need of a caregiver for survival, the child takes “flight” into a dissociative response that allows it to maintain an idealised attachment relationship with that care-giver for their survival. Bonding with a care-giver (usually mother) creates connection and safety, and provides a familiar face that either justifies or soothes their fear away. How the infant bonds is imperative, because it is the blueprint for all future relationships.

As adults, this biological need that is seen in the child does not change or go away with time. It seems that we are always at the mercy of looking for emotional attachment, especially when embroiled in dangerous narcissistic abusive relationships in which we are rendered helpless. Those same hyper-active responses seen in the child can be triggered later in life if the adult is in a similar threatening abusive relationship where they can be literally annihilated. Under such threat, the individual regresses to an infantile state. It is this traumatic psychological infantilism that becomes responsible for creating an inner drive in the victim to cling to the narcissist. Captivity makes the victim so infantile and so frightened, by the time the trauma bond is created between the victim and narcissist, the regressive state renders the victim to become placid and compliant in their behaviour with their hostage (like a child with its mother when they are in trouble). So rather than “aggressor bonding” being a mad behaviour, I see it as a very intelligent behaviour that aids survival. Unfortunately, the downside is that it also prevents many victims from leaving their violent partners. In Stockholm Syndrome, traumatic bonding is especially likely to happen if two specific structural features present in the abusive relationship: 1. There is an existence in the power imbalances and 2. There is intermittent good-bad treatment (Dutton & Painter).

1. Power Imbalance with the Narcissist:

If you are the victim of Narcissistic Victim Syndrome, from the very beginning of the relationship there would always have been a power imbalance, and that would have become magnified with time as the narcissist controlled the dyadic relationship. While the narcissist grows in power, and develops an inflated sense of self where they become omnipotence; the victim, on the other hand, becomes almost powerless, they lose self-esteem, their judgments become impaired, and increasingly they become more dependent on their narcissistic abuser. At this point the effective bond is forged. However, in order to keep the power balance, the narcissist must keep absolute control over the dyadic relationship, this is achieved using a strategy of fear and threat to maintain the power differential.

2. Intermittent good-bad treatment:

The second feature of traumatic bonding is that the narcissist uses “good and bad treatment” intermittently. At times the abuser maltreat the victim to the point of terrorizing them, and then at other times they show them acts of kindness; showering the victim with love, care and attention, even promising to never abuse them again. This has the effect of subjecting the victim to alternating states of emotions where they go through periods of aversive/negative arousal, and the relief/release associated with aversive arousal (Dutton/Painter), thus, alternating between good and bad conditions. This triggers the victim into a regressive mode, and they return to childish infantile patterns of behaviour of bonding with the aggressor.

Summary:

Stockholm Syndrome is the emotional trauma bonding of the victim with their narcissist abuser in order to survive their ordeal of living like a hostage under threat.

Under these conditions both Cognitive Dissonance (a discomfort caused by holding conflicting ideas simultaneously), and Stockholm Syndrome (the return to childish or infantile patterns) develop on an involuntary basis.

In Stockholm Syndrome, what occurs in the victim is the same principle that is seen in the developing infant. Both infant and victim are in a fearful world. In order to survive, both need to develop an emotional attachment to a care-giver that displays power and compassion. The child turns to their care-giver for bonding, where they get a mix of discipline and loving; While the victim turns to their narcissistic abuser (through the Trauma Bonding), where they experience the power imbalance and intermittent good–bad treatment.

It is the psychological infantilism in the victim that becomes responsible for creating an inner drive in the victim to cling to the narcissist, and resent police or family from rescue attempts.

This results in the victim seeing from the perspective of the abuser, putting them first, settling for small kindnesses and losing their sense of self.

This surrendering of the self to the narcissist results in the victim being totally dependant upon their abuser.

The narcissist abuser takes on the role of the parent, while the narcissistic victim is denigrated to that of a child.

Signs of a Covert Narcissist Husband

Being married to a covert narcissist can be a trial. Identifying their condition could be tricky, but once you do, it could result in the relationship making more sense. Some of the most telling signs of a covert narcissist husband include:

Being inattentive and distracted: The covert narcissist is self-absorbed, so there is little time and attention given to others.

Jealousy and paranoia: The covert narcissist will constantly want the house, cars, and jobs of friends and neighbors.

Inability to understand his wife’s point of view: With a lack of empathy, he will be unwilling and unable to consider differences of opinions. He will always be right.

Unexpected angry outbursts: Covert narcissists are fragile and overly sensitive, so he could become angry and violent quickly or break down in tears.

Frequently changing jobs: Since he thinks he knows best, the covert narcissist will have conflict with bosses and move from job to job to avoid being fired.

Impulsive purchases: In an attempt to fulfill emotional voids, the covert narcissist will buy expensive items like cars, property, jewelry, or electronics

Issues bonding with children: Again, without a strong sense of empathy, covert narcissists struggle to bond and connect with children at any age.

Legal issues: A covert narcissist thinks that the rules and laws do not apply to them, so they will often engage in illegal activities.

Substance abuse: With covert narcissism, the person may justify their intense substance abuse as a way of coping with “incompetent people.”

Sex and the covert narcissist husband

Covert narcissist husbands are emotionally disengaged and passionless toward any perceived demand, including the “demand” to love. Sex can start out steamy. The wife will talk about being “love bombed” by a man she can’t believe is so perfect for her and eager to please. Later making love will end up feeling like a “favor” he’s doing to you and for you. While initially, the covert narcissist husband will be an ardent lover who is responsive and eager to please, that soon fades once the relationship becomes established. Instead of a partner who is anxious to get away and have private sexual time together, he acts lackluster. You won’t “feel” him in bed. He will become passive, but deeply resentful if you don’t show him your admiration. Wives of covert narcissist husbands often end up feeling “done to” before these same wives gradually withdraw sexually. He’ll then resent you for your lack of sexual interest, despite showing no real interest himself. Your “disinterest” in “pleasing him sexually” is a constant insult he must endure. He wants you to “get help” for your lack of enthusiasm for being sexual with him but takes no responsibility for playing a role. He’ll secretly take away your power while denying he’s doing that.

Passive-aggression.

Clinical Covert Narcissist husbands are heavily passive-aggressive. Like the blatant narcissist, they may feign interest in what their wives want. However, they’ll seldom spontaneously show interest in a sincere or sustained way. They’ll “forget” their wife’s work weekend trip (planned months in advance…) and “accidentally” plan a fishing trip he’s “really been looking forward to.” With a long-suffering tone, he’ll agree to cancel HIS event “as a favor to help her career” and stay with the children, “sacrificing” his fun. Without ever saying so, his wife will simply stop planning weekend trips, especially for pleasure, because she feels his covert misery. Covert Narcissist husbands conveniently forget spousal requests but make no effort to correct the mistake. Or they’ll complete the job incompetently. When confronted with their behavior, they whine that their wife is being “too picky,” or “OCD” in expecting a competent performance, implying she’s a nag, or he’ll mope as he attempts to “meet her demanding standards.”

In the face of failed expectations, he’ll provide some half-hearted, self-serving explanation of why he didn’t follow through. His wife feels his resentment, but it remains unspoken. He exhibits no active joy in her company or desire to celebrate her or their love.

He’s “nice” and “helpful.”

This helpfulness demonstrates that he is being a “good spouse.” The wives of covert narcissist husbands may feel a withering contempt wrapped up in a superficial long-suffering or “helpful” demeanor. He learned this strategy early in childhood, often from a harsh and abusive or guilt-inducing parent.

For the average person, doing one’s share is an organic acceptance of adult living. In contrast, his “helpfulness,” is designed to boost his fragile sense of self. It is also a weapon he uses to defend himself and torture his partner. He can “help” while ending up causing her more work. He may complete promised tasks 80% of the time, but the last 20% will be unpredictable. And if you mention it when he doesn’t do it, he’ll resent you and point out how critical you are of him.

He can’t do anything to please you. The fate of the covert narcissist is to keep track of the folly of others to ease the imagined “unfair judgments” leveled at him by those same people. He’ll exhibit contemptuous behavior such as smirking, stifled mocking laughter, or eye-rolling. But that’s reserved for private interactions. In public, he’s a stellar husband and proves it to anyone who’s watching.

He’s withholding and resentful.

Wives are often confused that their covert husbands can be so helpful and so resentful at the same time. So he won’t ask you to do anything for him but will resent you for not doing it. Asking for help is loading your gun. He substitutes superficial “niceness” in place of genuine honesty and emotional involvement/engagement. He doesn’t tell you what he really thinks (until he does…). He’s too “kind” for that. He’s too “considerate.” You, on the other hand, are the “mean” one who talks directly about what you want, sets goals, and expresses your disappointment. HE isn’t “allowed” to do that. HE keeps his critical comments about you to himself. He silently takes your “abuse” (i.e.: expressed disappointment) but is hurt by it. He resents that you get to express your wants, while he doesn’t. What he wants, he won’t say. “Why bother? Who cares about me?” It’s infuriating.

When provoked, he’ll spew a litany of withheld resentments, and cruel comments which shock their unsuspecting partners. But moments later, the covert narcissist husband will accuse you of being so hostile he sometimes “just can’t take it” and has to “give it back to you.” You will never realize that expressing valid disappointment is considered abusive by the covert narcissist. And you, as the wife, end up carrying all the anger he won’t directly express inside of you. You will feel frustrated and upset by the on-again-off-again style of “engage-ignore.” When he wants you, he’s hurt if you are unavailable. If you want him, you’ll pick up from his behavior that this isn’t the best time. Try and be an “angel” and you’ll fall short. He’s not going to trust that “act.” He knows how “mean” you are and how wary he must be of you. And you are left wondering how you can be nicer to him, so he’ll like you more.

Impeccable hyper-sensitivity.

Covert Narcissist husbands have an impeccable hyper-sensitivity. They will take offense to criticism real or imagined. They bristle at any suggestion that they have failed in any way, even when they clearly have. At the extreme end of the narcissistic continuum, these husbands can be extremely emotionally abusive. Wives may feel emotionally abused but are told they are being emotionally abusive. A wife’s reasonable demands for love, attention, engagement, and sex can be relabeled as cloying, never satisfied, demanding, and overbearing. Your covert narcissistic husband claims that he has been wronged by you if you dare complain about him. And he’ll remind you of all he has done, and how little you’ve appreciated it.

The wives are left asking themselves: “Was I ungrateful? I thought I complimented him…a lot actually…” Their most obvious narcissistic traits are to be witheringly dismissive but in a way that’s hard to put your finger on. Even attempting to identify the expression will be met with complete denial. Or he will skulk off into sullen silence and withdrawal which could go on for days or even weeks. They tend not to comment on how upset they are, preferring to be perfectly self-contained and aloof. Don’t ask the covert narcissist how you’ve offended him. He expects you to not only know but to see how obvious your transgressions are. When he feels any imagined attack, he attacks back.

Don’t look for outward supreme self-possession.

The smugness/superiority is hidden. Blatant in-your-face narcissist husbands are obvious. You can see them coming. They crave attention and demand approval. Covert Narcissist husbands may be sly and much harder to spot. They keenly observe, evaluate, and often silently render abrupt and sometimes merciless judgment. They ruminate about how they aren’t adequately “appreciated.” They have an air of being “absent” or demonstrate overt bored disdain. But when asked directly: “Is something wrong?” they’ll deny it.

Utter and complete self-absorption.

It’s sometimes easy to confuse the Covert Narcissist husband with a garden variety introvert. Here is the essential difference: Introverts may be quiet, but they are fully capable of bestowing attention and paying careful attention. They can love freely and ask good questions. A covert narcissist husband, in contrast, is a reliably poor listener. They pay far more attention to their own relentlessly evaluative inner dialogue. They make a quick real-time assessment of a person or situation. When it captures their attention, they can be delightful company. When it doesn’t, it is clear that they deem it dull, stupid, or beneath them.

Vitamin E deficit

All clinical narcissists have a lack of empathy for others. And a sense of entitlement. Even when their wives complain about the negative impact of their husband’s behaviors, their Covert Narcissist husbands somehow manage to shift the discussion back to their own needs or accomplishments. Or get rageful. Their wives’ unhappiness is a personal injury to them, an intolerable judgment that they hostilely reject. The sentiment seems to be: “You can’t be unhappy with me. That offends me and hurts my feelings!” If you feel like it’s challenging to talk about your own feelings without the conversation turning around to him, you’re witnessing the empathy deficit. And if you are expected to simply “know” what he’s thinking, feeling, or needing, you’re experiencing the mind-reading that is linked to his feelings of deep entitlement. If he withholds vital information from you, it is because he “knows” how you’ll react and doesn’t want to “hear it.” His internal ruminations trump whatever real-world thoughts or feelings you may actually have. He doesn’t have to ask you, he already knows.

Clinical and Sub-Clinical Types

Are all displays of narcissism bad? Not according to research. If narcissism is on a continuum, those in the more “normal” range of behavior can bring desirable traits to the relationship, while being capable of keeping in check their own needs and desires in favor of their partners. They have a healthy sense of self. In contrast, clinical covert narcissists have fragile self-esteem. They project confidence but are terrified of the vulnerability and painful self-doubt they feel inside. This is one of the central overt features of the covert narcissist. The overt narcissist actually has often undeserved confidence, but they’ve learned to ignore any evidence to the contrary.

The covert narcissist, in contrast, lives with this painful awareness of being a “faker” and this awareness makes him both reactive and thin-skinned. His belief in his deep worthlessness results in a reactive need for constant reassurance, even admiration, from others. But it must be done cleverly and without being too obvious. If it’s pointed out to him that it’s normal to want to be recognized, he’ll deny it is anything HE personally craves. He’ll try to hide his desperate desires, but when the praise doesn’t come spontaneously his resentment will increase. He’ll covet it. Nurse it. How they act that out is also more covert than their overt counterparts.

He’s a “Nice Guy.” He just doesn’t like YOU.

What is often confusing to wives is that on the surface, this man seems like an all-around “nice guy.” He’s well-liked and outgoing in public. Everyone says so. Those ‘out of the know’ think you are the luckiest woman alive to be married to him. But they don’t live with him. They don’t feel what you feel: that he just doesn’t actually like you but won’t say so. He considers your actions a clear demonstration that he’s made a mistake in marrying you. You’ve let him down terribly by “criticizing” him and not appreciating his specialness. And yet, this is never said in words. But it’s a “mistake” you’ll feel acutely. You’ll know that he truly prefers to spend time doing other things rather than living with, engaging with, loving you.

But he won’t leave. Or if he leaves, he won’t be the one to initiate divorce. He will never be the first to divorce because he’s much too nice for that. He’ll drive you to do it, and often after 20-30 or more years married. These marriages are often long-term, and when they end in divorce, all the casual acquaintances will dispair. “They were such a nice couple. He is such a nice guy. She left him. Terrible that she’d leave such a nice guy.”