Symptoms of PTSD from Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic abuse is gradual and subtle, making it hard for the victim to even see it happening. The person on the receiving end is likely to blame themselves for allowing it to happen. That self-blame is heavy after the relationship has come to an end as they start to come into full awareness of the abuse.

“How could I have let that happen?”

“Why didn’t I see it?”

“I feel like such an idiot.”

“What’s wrong with me?”

Please know that if you are feeling any of those things, you are not alone and the feelings are actually 100% normal and valid for someone in your shoes.

PTSD Explained

The Difference between PTSD and C-PTSD

Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can occur in people who’ve experienced or witnessed a single traumatic event. PTSD is the failure to recover after experiencing or witnessing a terrifying event. Examples of PTSD events:

Natural disaster

War

Terrorist attack

Rape

Death

Serious accident

Violence (including physical or sexual assault)

Traumatic childbirth experience

Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is a condition that occurs after prolonged and repeated trauma, such as abuse or domestic violence. C-PTSD is more likely to take hold for those who experienced the trauma at an early age, by someone close to you or by someone you had to see regularly. Examples of C-PTSD events:

Childhood abuse or neglect

Domestic abuse or violence

Being an ongoing witness to abuse or violence

Torture, kidnapping or being held against your will

Whether it be PTSD or C-PTSD, the disorder can last anywhere from a few months to many years. For some, it may even be present for life. A variety of triggers can bring back traumatic memories, spurring on powerful emotional and physical reactions. Please know that having PTSD doesn’t have to be a life sentence. Pinpointing and releasing the inner wounds can free your body and soul of the trauma, so that you have the chance to go on and live a happy, healthy life.

PTSD from Narcissistic Abuse Symptoms

When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, whether that be a parent, coworker or intimate partner, you are existing on permanent eggshells. You can’t anticipate when the next blow will come or what it will be. Therefore, you spend most of your days in survival mode, trying to counter-intuit the next attack and avoid it from happening at all costs. We are not meant to be in that Fight or Flight mode for long periods of time. The purpose of that high adrenaline rush is to aid you in getting out of a detrimental situation, so that you can get back to a peaceful state of being. The long-term effects often result in complex trauma. Common symptoms of PTSD from narcissistic abuse:

Feeling stuck

Hypersensitivity

Flashbacks

Nightmares

Self Blame

Low Self-worth & Shame

Erratic Emotions

Numbing Out

Trust Issues

Suicidal Thoughts

Irregular Sleeping Patterns

Avoidance

Confusion

Panic

Physical Ailments

Feeling Stuck It’s completely normal to feel stuck and confused, not only when you’re in a narc relationship, but also on the flip side. It is very normal to have that debilitating feeling of not being able to move forward and not knowing if you will ever be able to – it can feel like mission impossible.

Hypersensitivity It’s strange how the extreme sensitivities can be off the charts one day or in one moment, but then be fine the next. Sometimes it may be a trigger that sets you off, other times there doesn’t seem to be an obvious reason. Your nervous system is fried! Those hypersensitivities are a result of being in an abuse relationship where you never knew what was coming from moment to moment. Was it going to be a calm day or were you going to be in survival-mode as a result of gaslighting, manipulation or rageful outbursts? Examples of hypersensitivity can include:

Anxiety

Nervousness

Panic

Being jumpy and on edge

Overwhelm

Being overly emotional

Obsessive thinking

Not feeling safe

Flashbacks A very common symptom of PTSD from narcissistic abuse are the flashbacks. There you are, going about your day when out of nowhere a memory of something from the relationship will come back to you. Your whole being feels like you’re there, reliving that moment, over and over again. What the narcissist said or did to you and how you reacted. You may run through how you wish you could have responded, given the courage and knowledge, which you didn’t have at the time. You may analyse the situation, seeing just how manipulative and unjust it was, wishing for some kind of recognition from the narcissist. You might even find yourself retelling the event to a friend in your mind, working through the details and getting some validation from them that you’re not crazy.

Nightmares Having nightmares featuring the narcissist can go on for a crazy long time after you’ve extricated yourself from their grips in the waking world. Nightmares about the narcissist or the relationship can show up in many forms.

Self Blame The instances of narcissistic abuse victims blaming themselves is so incredibly common, it’s heartbreaking. Given that narcissists lack the empathy needed to stop people from being intentionally hurtful towards others, they have the best poker faces around. A narcissist will look you dead in the eye and tell the largest of lies without batting an eyelid. It’s in-built within all of us to be more trusting of people who keep direct eye contact as they’re speaking to us. Plus, of course we loved and trusted the person. Why would we think anything other than that they must genuinely have our best interests at heart. “How could the person who was supposed to love me, intentionally set out to hurt me, all while denying it at the same time?” It’s beyond mind-blowing and an utter betrayal. Once we realise that we’ve been willfully hoodwinked against all of our best intentions, the crushing feeling of, “how did I not see it” is devastating. As victims of narcissistic abuse, we need to be regularly reminding ourselves that we didn’t know and that it’s not our fault. It was our kind, trusting nature that drew the narc to us in the first place. I know it’s incredibly hard, but we should not give away those beautiful parts of ourselves because of the narc – they do not deserve that.

Low Self-worth & Shame Narcissists are masters at eroding their victim’s sense of self over prolonged periods of time. Bit by bit, they’ll chip away at another person’s confidence by projecting their own feelings of shame and guilt onto the victim, who ends up taking on that garbage as their own. Shame and guilt both hold very low vibrations, leaving the sufferer feeling like utter shit. When someone has been told consistently that they’re useless, they’ll never amount to anything, they’ll never to be able to make it on their own, they’re not good enough and so on… the brain starts to believe it. A massive part of healing from narcissistic abuse is realising that all of the belittling and devaluing from the narc was their way of tapping into your deepest wounds. On a spiritual level, they are shining a light on your darkest trauma points, which need to be healed within yourself. A very long time ago, the narcissist killed off their own true self, which was their connection to the divine source. That connection is essential for having an abundant source of life force. When the narc cut their source, they inevitably bound themselves to a life of needing to steal the life force from other beings as the only way of sustaining themselves. With that severed connection, they lost their conscience, empathy and compassion, which is the true reason that they are able to perform so callously, without a backwards glance.

Erratic Emotions People suffering from post narcissist stress disorder will often find their emotions all over the place. You can be feeling amazing and free one minute, but then fall down into the depths of hell the next. It can feel like a rollercoaster that you’re just not able to get off. You may feel anger or sadness as you relive different events from throughout the relationship. Feeling teary and intensely sad for no reason can be a normal PTSD response and trying to manage those big emotions can feel utterly insurmountable. Being quick to anger and not having the ability to regulate emotions during stressful situations is also common, as well as not having the ability to properly feel emotions at all.

Numbing Out A very normal byproduct of abuse is to dissociate, which is where a person disconnects from their thoughts, feelings, memories and sense of self. It’s a mental protective measure designed to minimise the amount of pain that can be felt. Seeking out ways to help numb the pain and emptiness are often behaviours that PTSD sufferers use for self medicative purposes. This could be with drugs, alcohol, prescription medicines, shopping, food, gaming and other escapist methods.

Trust Issues Sustaining healthy relationships after narcissistic abuse can be tricky at the best of times, but throw in PTSD and you’re at a whole new level of difficulty. Many sufferers of PTSD from narcissistic abuse report one of two things:

They avoid relationships altogether due to having zero trust.

They end up in toxic relationships due to not trusting in themselves enough and continue to repeat the same pattern (same shit, different person).

Suicidal Thoughts The ongoing pain, anger, sadness, isolation and loneliness of PTSD can be too much to bear at times.

“Sometimes I ask for the universe to take me away so that I can finally escape it all.” – Anonymous

Just know that when those types of thoughts creep in (although it may feel like it), you’re not alone. Life on Earth is hard. Life with ongoing complex trauma is even harder, especially when you feel like you can’t escape the damage of a nightmare relationship. If you’re having suicidal thoughts, please call a helpline as soon as you can and talk to someone. You don’t need to go through this alone.

Irregular Sleeping Patterns Some PTSD sufferers find it hard to sleep at night and as a result, spend their days in a tired fatigued slump. Insomnia can be an issue, as well as interrupted sleep or not getting into a deep enough sleep for long periods of time. Nightmares are another contributing factor for irregular sleeping patterns. When you’re dealing with fatigue, concentrating and being productive throughout the day becomes difficult.

Avoidance Being avoidant can be another symptom of PTSD from narcissistic abuse. This can range from avoiding the topic of abuse altogether, whether it be talking about it or even thinking about it. PTSD sufferers may typically also avoid people and places that are connected to or remind them of the narcissist, which to be honest, I think is a totally healthy way to go. Avoidance can also show up as a general sense of detachment.

Confusion It’s normal to feel confusion as a PTSD sufferer. Even making simple decisions can seem like an overwhelming task at times. The prime reason that narcissists gaslight is to create confusion, which is psychological abuse at its best. Given that it had likely been used on you for a long period of time, suffering confusion on the other side is to be expected. The self-doubt and inability to trust yourself is a direct symptom of those mental games, so please don’t blame yourself. Healing and rebuilding from that confusion and self-doubt will take time and there’s absolutely no rush.

Panic One of the most debilitating symptoms of PTSD from narcissistic abuse is the feeling of panic. People can experience panic-attack type moments where they can hardly breath and feel like they’re completely trapped. Panic can also be a central nervous system response after living in such a heightened and constant sense of ‘ready, set, go!’ That’s not a natural place for the human body to be in all the time. Pure panic brings with it such an intense feeling of being stuck or caged within those massive emotions that it’s easy to feel like there’s no way out. Plus, you wonder if you’ll be dealing with this trauma forever and if you’ll ever be capable of a healthy relationship. There’s a lot to process. Not to mention the complete lack of accountability from the narcissist who’s already moved onto the next victim without a backwards glance at the destruction in their wake.

Physical Ailments The final piece of the complex trauma puzzle, caused from narcissistic abuse, can be when symptoms show up in the physical sense. By the time an ailment shows up physically in our body, it’s been hanging out in our energetic field for quite some time. Here are some examples of PTSD physical manifestations:

Headache

Nausea

Dizzyness/ vertigo

Chest pain

Tingling limbs

How to Heal PTSD from Narcissistic Abuse

The catch-22 when dealing with complex PTSD is the huge lack of trust towards others. Many people who suffer trauma from narc abuse tend to want to go it alone. Being hyper independent is merely a trauma response to “people always hurt you, betray you or abandon you.” However, if you really want to heal and move through narcissistic trauma, you’re going to need help.

STEP 1: Ditch the Narc

This may not always be as easy as it sounds, but the first step towards healing from narc abuse is to remove the source of the trauma. You cannot heal in the environment you were abused in. You need to rid your life of the narcissist. This means going No Contact if you have no need to stay in contact with them. Block them on social media and on your phone. If they somehow contact you and try to hoover you back in, resist all urges to respond! If you have children, business or property with the narc, I recommend going Low Contact. This is where you only converse in the bare minimum of ways and stick to factual information. Keep communication to emails or text so that you’re less likely to get caught up in their word salad. Practice ‘grey rocking’ the narc so that they get bored with you. Basically, you want to be as bland and boring as a grey rock.

STEP 2: Find Your Support Crew

Finding your support crew within your circle of friends and family is essential. Not everyone is going to have the patience, empathy and care to allow you to vent when you need to. Plus, it’s essential to figure out who’s truly on your team and who’s still loyal to the narcissist. I would recommend cutting out or at least limiting contact with anyone who’s still hanging around with the narc. They are not a safe haven for you and are most likely to trigger you with info about the narc and/ or report back to the narc. You’ll soon figure out who’s on your team and who’s not. For those who just can’t be there for you in that way, that’s okay. But keep in mind that they are not the ones to open up to when you’re feeling vulnerable, as you’ll probably just walk away feeling invalidated. When you’re dealing with abuse, the last thing you need is any more invalidation in your life. Joining a support group either in the community or online, can be beneficial. The beauty of these groups is that the other members fully understand what you’ve been through. They can be a much more valuable resource than well-meaning friends who are there for you… but who don’t really get it. Bear in mind that rerunning the triggering events over and over can be important initially, when you’re trying to gain clarity on what’s happened. But if you sit there too long, you won’t actually heal. You’ll be stuck in the cycle of your wounds, rather than healing and releasing them, so that you can go on to live a happy, healthy life.

STEP 3: Self-Care

Daily self-care is so incredibly important while on the healing journey from narcissistic abuse. Self-care can look different for many people, but it’s about finding what brings peace to your inner world and supports your own soul. Soaking in the bath at the end of the day, reading a book, going for a walk in nature, watching a movie, even allowing yourself to cry. Another great self-care practice is to write a letter of closure to the narcissist and purge your innermost feelings. By getting all of the things that you wish you could say to the narcissist down onto paper, you’ll stop so much of it from continuing to rattle around in your head. Self-care is also about saying ‘no’ when you want to say no and saying ‘yes’ when you want to say yes. It’s about learning to put yourself first and feeling good about that. After being programmed by the narcissist that you were not important and their needs were to always come first, this one may take some practice, but you deserve nothing less!

STEP 4: Heal the Inner Wounds

Once you’ve had a chance to take stock for a moment, it’s really important to get started on healing your inner wounds. I know this sounds like such hard work when you’re feeling so incredibly broken, but trust me, once you get started you will almost immediately start to feel a shift. While therapy and talking things out with your trusted friends can provide some short-term instant relief, those things aren’t going to do anything towards shifting the trauma which has been stuck in your body for a long time!

What Is Sexual Manipulation?

Sexual manipulation is more common than some might think. When we think about sexual assault, we often think of physical force. However, many people are coerced into sex without physical pressure. This is known as sexual manipulation. Sexual manipulation involves using words or actions to persuade an unwilling person to have sex. Sexual manipulation differs from flirting: while flirting might indicate romantic or sexual interest in someone else, sexual manipulation involves getting them to agree to sex when they actually don’t want to.

What is sexual manipulation? Sexual manipulation involves being manipulated or coerced into doing any sort of sexual activity. Sexual manipulation can include threatening, guilt-tripping, or sulking when they’re rejected. It can also include giving you alcohol or drugs with the intention of getting you to have sex with them. Anyone can be the victim or perpetrator of sexual coercion, regardless of gender or orientation. A person who is sexually manipulated might say yes and agree to sex because they are manipulated or threatened into doing so. Often, they feel like they can’t say no, if they do say no, they’ll be punished, hurt, or made to feel guilty. Alternatively, the manipulator might lie to them in order to get them to have sex under false pretenses. Sadly, sexual manipulation is common, one in three women and one in ten men report experiencing sexual coercion.

What is emotional manipulation? Emotional manipulation is defined as trying to control, exploit, or influence someone’s feelings, behaviors, or thoughts, usually so that the manipulator can get an outcome in their favor. Most people engage in manipulation at some point: a teenager might sulk to get their parents to give in to them, a friend might guilt-trip you for being sick on their birthday. The stakes aren’t always the same, and some people do it intentionally while others don’t. However, most of us eventually learn that manipulation isn’t okay. Manipulating someone sexually, in particular, is unacceptable and deeply hurtful.

Sexual manipulation tactics Sexual manipulation tactics can be verbal or behavioral. Manipulators might use one or more of these tactics. While sexual manipulation can seem obvious and overt in some cases, it can also be subtle.

Threats

Sexual manipulation can include threatening someone — not just in terms of their physical safety, but also threatening things that matter to them. For example, a sexual manipulator might threaten to fire or evict someone, or cause them social, financial, or emotional difficulties. These threats might be obvious or subtle. Examples:

“I’ll out you to your family if you don’t sleep with me.”

“If you don’t have sex with me, I’ll tell your wife we’ve been having an affair.”

“If you’re not going to have sex with me, I’ll leave you and find someone who will.”

“It would be a pity if you lost your job/home/friends/relationships over this.”

Guilt-tripping

This is when a manipulator intends to make you feel guilty so that you’ll have sex with them. Examples:

“I thought you loved me. I guess I was wrong.”

“I also wouldn’t want to sleep with someone who’s as ugly as me.”

“I just paid for your dinner. You owe me.”

Playing on your insecurities

Manipulators might use your insecurities to convince you to have sex with them. Examples:

“You don’t want to look like a prude, do you?”

“It’s fine. You’re probably terrible in bed anyway.”

“You sure you want to waste this opportunity? Someone who looks like you might not get many.”

Gaslighting

A term that’s gained popularity over the past few years, gaslighting refers to a form of manipulation where someone tries to control the way another person sees themselves and their own experiences. They might cause them to doubt their sanity, their memory, or their perception of the world. Examples:

“You actually already consented earlier, you just don’t remember.”

“You always get too sensitive. Let’s just do it.”

“You liked it the last time, you just don’t remember.”

Lying

To convince you to have sex with them, a manipulator might explicitly lie to you. Examples:

They might lie about themselves, including their age, job, interests, or experiences, in order to get you to sleep with them.

If you object because they’re in a relationship or married, they might lie by saying they’re in an open relationship or in the process of divorcing when they’re not.

Punishment

A manipulator might punish you for rejecting them sexually. When you say no, they might try to make you feel bad so that you agree next time. This punishment could be obvious or more passive-aggressive. For example, they might accept your rejection but sulk for the rest of the week. Examples:

Sulking or “the silent treatment”

Becoming more critical and mean

Intentionally “forgetting” important things

Is coercion sexual assault?

Yes. Although the definition of sexual assault can vary from country to country, most include sexual coercion in their legal definition of assault. This is because sexual coercion means you aren’t freely giving your consent — you’re being manipulated into it.

What to do when facing sexual manipulation

If someone you know is trying to manipulate you sexually, it can sometimes be difficult to identify, and even harder to know how to respond. Here are some tips for responding when faced with sexual manipulation.

Be firm in your boundaries. If they continue to try to manipulate you, you can reiterate that no is your final answer and that you don’t take kindly to being pressured.

Enforce those boundaries. If their manipulation continues, honor your boundaries and decision by removing yourself from the situation. Get up, walk out, stop talking to them if need be.

Remember that they’re manipulating you. They might insult you, use your insecurities against you, or make you feel like you’re losing your sanity, but remember that everything they say needs to be viewed with skepticism because they are manipulating you.

Know that it’s not your fault. Whether they successfully manipulated you or not, whether it’s happened before or not, it’s not your fault. The manipulation is the responsibility of the manipulator alone.

Lastly, consider finding help. It’s not always easy to walk away from a sexual manipulator if you’re dependent on them, for example, if they’re your boss, partner, or landlord.

Let’s recap

Sexual manipulation is not okay. If you’ve been sexually manipulated, know that it’s not your fault and that you’re not alone. Although it isn’t always easy to notice and understand sexual manipulation when it’s happening, you may be able to get better insight by tuning into how a person is making you feel about sex. If you feel guilty for not wanting to have sex or afraid, you may want to consider if it’s because you’re being sexually manipulated.

Ignoring a Narcissist – 9 Things That May Happen

Let’s be honest, narcissists DO NOT like to be ignored. In their mind, they are the most important being in the world, who deserves to be worshipped and idolised (for absolutely no reason at all). They treat people like items to be used up, then discarded, yet they expect to be honoured like gods. It makes zero sense and their self-centred behaviour causes so much destruction in the lives of those around them, who they see as nothing more than material items.

Ignoring a narcissist will cause them to react hard! They will see it as a personal attack, in which you need to be punished. Their ego must protect their false image at all costs and will not hesitate to crush you in the process.

There are a few reasons why you might decide that ignoring a narcissist is the best way to go. Maybe you’ve figured them out and feel that not engaging with them is the best course of action. Or you just don’t know what else to do other than ignore their incessant phone calls, messages, accusations and other abusive behaviour being directed towards you. So, let’s explore what happens in this dynamic of ignoring a narcissist.

Narcissists Explode When Ignored

Ultimately, ignoring a narcissist means that you are holding out on giving them the very thing they live and yearn for – narcissistic supply. By you withholding their drug (supply), they will react as any other drug addict would. They will lash out.

Narcs need to be the ones wielding the power and by you ignoring them, they are no long in control. You’ve effectively taken the control back into your own hands, whether you realise it or not. Narcissists DO NOT want you to find out that they are the ones who need you, not the other way around.

On top of losing control and having their supply cut, ignoring a narcissist will also trigger a narcissistic injury. Meaning that one (or many) of their deep inner wounds have been triggered. These may include things like rejection, shame, humiliation, abandonment and betrayal. The narcissist cannot bear to feel or acknowledge any of their vulnerabilities, so will immediately lash out and project those things onto you instead.

In the narcissist’s delusional world, they actually believe that the projection they’ve just superimposed onto you, truly represents you instead of them. They genuinely see that you are the one to blame, who is causing them difficulties, not the other way around. As the narcissist lives behind a False Self, which is ruled by their ego, they cannot risk having any of their truths revealed. The ego will annihilate anyone who threatens to unmask the False Self.

Results of Ignoring a Narcissist

Ignore You Right Back One of the first things that may happen when ignoring a narcissist is that they simply ignore you right back. You see, narcissists deem themselves as being above us mere mortals and they certainly do not want to be chasing old supply that should be still serving their needs without question. They’re happy enough to chase new supply (for a short while) because its fresh and exciting and giving them so much good energy. However, once they’ve idealised and hooked you in, they do not intend on doing much else to keep you there besides erode your entire sense of self so that you feel too worthless to leave. The idea is to make you feel like you’re dependent on them, rather than it actually being the other way around. So, if you ignore the narcissist, they may wait you out and expect you to come crawling back to them. Not only will they not acknowledge their destructive behaviour, which pushed you away in the first place, but they will in fact expect you to be on your knees grovelling to them.

Offer False Apologies & Promises If ignoring you doesn’t work, then they will bring in some fake apologies and promises of change for the future. This is often where people get tripped up and accept the narc’s apology, because they want so badly for the narcissist to actually acknowledge and take responsibility for their behaviour. Covert narcissists are especially good at feigning empathy, which is why it was hard for us to see in the beginning that the empathy was merely an act to get what they wanted. Unfortunately, the narc hasn’t changed one bit. They’re just telling you what you want to hear so that you’ll get back into line and continue feeding them their fuel, which then powers them to continue abusing you.

Play the Victim After trying false apologies and future faking on you, if those didn’t work, it’s time to pull out the victim card. As a empath I can tell you that this one worked on me so many times, it pains me to even think about it. When the narcissist plays the victim, they will know exactly how to pull on your heartstrings and have you feeling empathy and compassion for them. They know how hard it is for you to say ‘no’ and they will use that against you every time. Be prepared for real crocodile tears, which will feel so real, you may be questioning if they really are a narcissist with zero empathy. They are so good at convoluting storylines, that before you know it, you’re almost believing the bullshit coming out of their mouths. I mean, they’re so damn convincing! Ignoring them is the best way to not get swept up in these elaborate versions of a false reality, so that you don’t find yourself handing your power back over to them before you’ve even had time to think about it.

Accuse You Another thing that often happens when ignoring a narcissist is that they will throw accusations at you. If none of their pity party tactics work, they’ll resort to accusations, which we know are completely false, but that’s what makes them even more painful. Projection is a favoured ploy of the narcissist because they simply refuse to look at their own behaviour and take responsibility for the part they’ve played in the situation. A healthy person would think, “why is this person ignoring me all of a sudden? What have I done that may have hurt them?” All of the deep wounds that have been triggered due to being ignored still exist, even if the narc will not acknowledge them. So, the narc will superimpose onto you the very things that they are doing. Since their malfunctioned reality truly does now see you as being the ‘doer of all the bad things,’ they will then accuse you of said things. Ignoring the narcissist and disengaging at this point is very wise, because it protects you from getting sucked into an argument where you feel the need to defend yourself against their accusations. “If I can get this level of a reaction of them, I must be extremely important and powerful.” They want to get you worked up and reacting, because that attention gives them supply and also makes them feel important.

Threaten You During the idealisation (love bombing) phase, the narcissist was able to observe you and collect data based on your deepest fears and insecurities. They know just what to threaten you with, which will have you walking straight back into their toxic cycle of abuse. They may threaten to attack your kids, career, financial situation, home, pets, reputation… whatever your soft spot is, that is the where the narcissist sees a weakness to be fired at.

Rage Narcissists believe they are ‘special’ and feel entitled to have whatever they want, whenever they want it. They demand attention at all times and do not like it being denied to them. Even if a narcissist thinks they’re being ignored, they can easily fly into a rage. During my marriage to a narcissist, if I didn’t answer my phone when he rang, he’d proceed to leave a dozen messages on my voicemail abusing me for not being immediately available to him.

“What’s the point in having a ****ing phone if you’re not going to answer it!?”

“Too bad if I was having an emergency.”

“Helllooooooooooooo?!?!”

“I’m just going to keep going until you pick up.”

“Answer your ****ing phone!”

Then I would absolutely dread calling him back once I noticed the messages because of course this behaviour would not go unpunished in his books. The worst part of all, the majority of those phone calls where about nothing. He’d heard something on the radio that he wanted to talk about or thought of something that he wanted to tell me right then and there. Narcissists can go from 0 to 100 in a split second, which will have them exploding into a rage. Even if you don’t directly see the rage induced by you ignoring them, it will show up in many of the other tactics outlined here.

Smear Campaign The narcissist may feel threatened by you ignoring them and be worried that you’re onto them. So, to counteract anything that you might tell others concerning their abuse ways, they’ll get in before you. Expect the narcissist to tell anyone who will listen all about how you are to blame and how they are the poor victim at the hands of your awful behaviour. The idea here is that they want and need to control the storyline. They cannot have their false image threatened in any way and will do everything possible to protect it. You may or may not hear about their defamations, but you can guarantee that they will happen. It can be particularly hurtful if they get into the ears of your personal friends and family. This is where you will have to trust that the people who truly know you will not buy the narcissist’s false stories. You may even find yourself reevaluating which relationships stay and which ones you need to let go of at this point.

Contact Your Friends or Family Following on from smearing you, the narcissist might actually go with another tactic. They may reach out to your friends and family in the guise of being ‘worried’ about you. In this instance, they can get your own connections to be used as flying monkeys to gain information about you, which then serves the narcissist. Most people won’t even realise what’s happening and may genuinely believe the narc’s feigned concern for you. The narcissist may say things like:

“Have you heard from [insert your name]? I haven’t heard from them in a while.”

“I’m really worried about [insert your name]. They’ve been acting really out of character lately. Could you please check on them for me?”

“I just wanted to let you know that [insert your name] has been a bit crazy lately. I’ve tried to help them, but they won’t let me. Maybe you’ll be able to help.”

All of these comments work to instil worry in your loved ones about your well-being. The seed has been planted that you have been acting weird and something is up with you. Therefore, you are the crazy one, while the narcissist is the ‘concerned’ one. It also helps to implant the narcissist’s storyline, so that when you talk to any of your friends or family about what’s been going on, they may already be going into the conversation thinking you’re a little bit unhinged. Again, this is where those who truly know you will see you and believe you. If they take the narcissist’s side, at least it’ll be clear to you that they can’t be trusted with your vulnerable situation.

Move on to Next Supply Finally, after exhausting any or all of the other tactics, the narcissist will have no choice but to give up and switch focus to a new supply. At the end of the day, that is what this is all about. They need their drug to keep functioning in this world, so the need to find it elsewhere will take precedence over trying to extract it out of you if you’re not playing ball. Bear in mind, the narcissist probably already had a supply lined up in the wings before you even started ignoring them. They rarely only leave themselves with a single supply, that’s just too risky for them. Depending on how good of a source the new person is compared to you, will determine how persistent they are with you. Even if they’ve got another supply who’s already feeding them, they will still try many of the tactics on you purely because they believe they own you and they must win at all costs.

How to Ignore a Narcissist While Protecting Yourself

There is nothing you can say or do to try and help the narc see reason. It’s tempting to try and help them see that how they treated you is incredibly damaging and hurtful. But, the more you try to reason, the more rageful and defensive the narc will become. You can’t appeal to someone’s conscience if they don’t have one. No matter how calm and articulate you are, the narcissist will have you wrapped up in their confusing word salad and be gaslighting you all over again before you have time to catch a breath. The best way to react to a narcissist is to not react at all. They hate that more than anything because zero reaction gives them zero supply. This is why we often get to the stage of having no where else to turn but to tap out and ignore the narcissist.

Ultimately, the narcissist needs its fuel (narcissistic supply) and if they’re no longer able to extract it from you, then will simply switch gears and move onto another victim. Eventually, after withstanding every dirty thing the narcissist has thrown at you, they will leave you alone and you will be free. Keep in mind that the narcissist will almost always try and hoover their old victims back in at some stage, whether it be in a few weeks, months or even years. They believe that you are their item forever and when supply dries up for them elsewhere they will try to draw on old supplies to get a hit.

No Contact Cutting out the narcissist and going No Contact is the most highly recommended way to deal with getting a narc out of your life. This means deleting them and blocking them from all forms of contact (social media, emails, calls and texts). If you feel like your safety is on the line, please do not hesitate to enlist help from the authorities.

Low Contact If you are in a situation where you cannot completely cut the narcissist from your life, then going Low Contact is the next best thing. I know myself that cutting them out is just not possible for some family members, exes who you’ve got children with, coworkers, bosses and people who you share mutual friends with.Advertisements With low contact, keep communication to an absolute minimum and only discuss essential information. Keep it purely factual and do not deviate from that. Don’t give the narcissist any chance to get you into idle chit-chat, because they are only looking for information on you, which could be used against you in the future.

Grey Rock If you do need to stay in some form of minor contact with the narcissist, I highly recommend going Grey Rock. This is where you basically be as bland and uninteresting as you can be. Much like a dull, grey rock, you will become boring and forgettable to the narcissist. They will not be receiving any supply from you and will not waste their time on you. Their focus will be on new supplies who they can pilfer life force from.

Heal Yourself Finally, but most importantly, to truly rid your life of narcissistic energy, you need to turn inward and heal your own inner wounds. It’s due to our own deep hurts and traumas which have made us susceptible to overgiving at the expense of ourselves. Somewhere deep inside of us we didn’t feel worthy of true, unconditional love and we didn’t feel able to be whole and complete on our own. We willingly and unconsciously handed our power over to someone else to be the person we needed them to be to heal our wounds. Yet, they ended up being the very thing that heightened and shone a spotlight on those wounds instead. No one is able to make you feel whole and complete besides yourself. Once you come home to your inner being and meet your inner child with love and compassion, then you can start to generate the life you truly desire and deserve beyond a doubt! Then, you will be vibrating on such a high frequency that narcissists simply will not be able to exist in your world. You will quickly and easily see them for who they are and you will no longer allow anyone to treat you in such a way.

Unmasking the Narc - Victoria.

Emotions You’ll Feel When Dealing With A Narcissist

Narcissistic personalities can be draining for those they’re closest with. Oftentimes, you may not recognize a narcissist’s toxic behavior, especially if they use flattery and praise to control you. Oftentimes, those who are manipulated by guilt are the ones who tend to recognize the behavior first, especially if they seek the guidance of a therapist who can point out the toxic behavior early on. For those who are controlled by praise and support, they will typically notice a shift in the narcissist’s behavior and treatment of them if they slide out of his or her control. For those that are manipulated by a narcissist, they often feel the following emotions. If any of these feel familiar to you, your parent, sibling, partner, or friend may be using a tactic to control and manipulate you.

You apologize all the time. Even when you’re not wrong, you somehow still end up apologizing for hurting the narcissist’s feelings. Victims usually end up doing this to “keep the peace” when they know the narcissist can fly off the handle when they don’t get what they want. Furthermore, victims may apologize when the narcissist twists facts to fit their narrative. This is a technique called gaslighting and it can convince you of wrongdoing that didn’t actually happen.

You’re overly anxious or always worried about hurting them. Remember when I said victims may try to keep the peace? I wasn’t exaggerating. A narcissist’s incessant control will often turn into explosive rage if they don’t get what they want, even if it is something as simple as seeing you at an event or on the weekend. Because their reaction is so out of control, victims may think it’s easier to just appease the narcissist by giving them whatever they want to avoid a fight. In reality, all this does is further the cycle of emotional abuse.

You’re emotionally exhausted. Dealing with a narcissist can cause you to feel like nothing you do is good enough. When you try to do something as simple as have a conversation, you often find yourself in the middle of a dramatic episode that escalated purely as a result of the narcissist. This is why conversations can go from zero to 60 in a matter of minutes, leaving you feeling confused and exhausted. This mental exhaustion can result in you not wanting to partake in your favorite hobbies and even cause depression, forgetfulness, difficulty falling or staying asleep, weight loss or gain, and so much more.

You don’t feel like you’re “good enough.” A narcissist has impossible standards because all they genuinely want from their relationships is total control. When they feel like they don’t have that control or feel like they’re losing it, they’ll do everything they can to try and convince you that you’re wrong or diminish your feelings. Narcissists are incapable of taking any sort of criticism or blame and instead will always blame others for their feelings. You can call, visit, set aside your plans and make sacrifices as often as you can and the one time you say “no,” it’ll prompt the narcissist to say things like, “Why don’t you care about me?” or “All I want is to see you.” A narcissist is a master at making you feel like taking time for yourself or having your own life is selfish.

You question yourself and your actions. A victim of a narcissist may often turn to other friends or relatives and ask if they’re the problem. This can be problematic if the person the victim turns to is controlled by the narcissist through flattery because they will defend the narcissist at all costs. This is why it’s so important to seek the guidance and support of a therapist because they will be able to look at situations through an analytical lens and not be blinded by emotion. A narcissist can leave you feeling confused, which is what they want because you’re easier to control when you’re vulnerable. A narcissist will prey upon a person’s shortcomings.

You’re sad or depressed. Narcissists are prompted by emotion, not logic, so when you’re only guided by your emotions, you’re going to attack someone’s character every chance you get. This can be extremely painful for the victim who feels like they’re constantly being insulted and devalued by the person they love. This can cause victims to become depressed and ashamed, feeling like they’re to blame for the failed relationship when in actuality, nothing could be further from the truth.

Common Narc-Sadistic Conversation Control Tactics

Do you often engage in conversations with your narcissist that leaves you feeling like you were talking to a brick wall – or worse, maybe leaves you feeling like banging your head against a brick wall? Perhaps, it has even crossed your mind that you would have been better off conversing with a brick wall because the wall would have more capacity of providing understanding, validation, and empathy than the narcissist in your life!

Real life conversations with a narcissist are exhausting, dizzying, nerve-racking, and make you feel like you’re going crazy – or at least drive a compassionate person to question their own reality, and even their sanity at times. The circular conversations leave you feeling worse off than if you had never had them in the first place. You begin to blame yourself, doubt your instincts and wonder what the heck is going on?

REVERSE PROJECTION

Before we realize the truth about the narcissist in our lives, we relate to them as if they are normal human beings possessing a conscience, integrity and some degree of self-awareness. We trust their words because we don’t deceive and manipulate people and trust that the people who claim to love us will do the same. We give them the benefit of the doubt because we believe they truly love no one who truly loves us would purposely say or do anything to hurt our feelings and us. We are in essence projecting our good qualities on to them, and when they don’t respond the way we expect a normal person would, we become confused and hurt, question our reality and believe we must be to blame in some way. The problem is that narcissists don’t think, operate or play by the same rules as us, and our failing to recognize this sets us up for manipulation and misery by default.

Conversations with a narcissist, especially if you hold opinions about anything that contradict with their opinion of what is the gospel truth, are jam-packed with a barrage of covert manipulation tactics that are intrinsic to the narcissist and entrenched in their personality. They will make you wish you never disagreed with them in the first place and regret that you had ever dared to express your point of view. A simple disagreement will often incite a full-fledged attack on you. Somehow, they manage to twist the conservation, so you wind up feeling like the bad guy/girl, while they assume the role of the innocent victim – of you.

CONVERSATIONS ARE NOT CONVERSATIONS; THEY ARE VERBAL COMPETITIONS

When you challenge your narcissist’s lies, discrepancies, and groundless accusations; suggest that they are less than perfect; try to get them to understand your point of view; confront them on their cruel behaviors; or approach them about the lack of reciprocity in the relationship, the discussion will likely decay into a crazy-making, chaotic, drama packed, mind-spinning, migraine induced headache that is intended to wear you down and punish you for suggesting or exposing a fact that doesn’t support their grandiose view of themselves or maintain their need to feel superior and all mighty.

Narcissists never enter into conversations. They enter into verbal competitions. Their goal is to win at all costs. They have no interest in seeking understanding, clarification or compromise, or in reaching a meeting of the minds. Their conversations are only meant to manipulate, confuse, control, destabilize, deflect accountability, cast doubt, distort reality and create drama.

ENABLERS AND TONGUE BITERS

Narcissists only surround themselves with people who are either so charmed by them that they blindly believe every word they say is true or people who have learned that it’s easier to keep their mouths shut rather than reap the wrath of expressing an opposing opinion.

Anyone in a narcissist’s life that doesn’t fall into one of the two categories of Enablers or Tongue Biters will certainly be given the boot. But first the narcissist will discipline you with their collection of manipulation tactics, so when they do give you the boot, you will be sure to go out believing the reasons for your dismissal were all your fault.

HERE ARE THE 8 MOST COMMON CONVERSATION MANIPULATION TACTICS

1. TOPIC SWITCHEROO Here’s how this works. You and your narcissist are in the middle of a conversation; it’s going well until you disagree or present facts that contradict the narcissist’s point of view. The narcissist knows that your facts are indisputable and you have the upper-hand, so to gain control of the conversation and win the argument, the narcissist will deviate into a tangent of verbal vomit attempting to hoodwink you and pull the ole’ topic switcheroo. Before you know it, you’re discussing something totally unrelated to the original conversation, and you find yourself in defensive mode about some issue the two of you disagreed on last year.

2. THE BLAME GAME Blame shifting is usually a tactic used subsequently to the Topic Switcheroo. The narcissist, like a magician, successfully changes the topic and diverts your attention by pointing the finger at you, and you suddenly find yourself on the defensive end of the conversation stick. The narcissist will raise questions about any and all of your real or perceived faults and pummel you. You, in turn, instinctively defend yourself, and the narcissist, just like Houdini, makes the original topic of their bad behavior disappear and escapes having to take any accountability for their actions. Meanwhile, you’re tricked into taking on the defensive position and accused and blamed for creating problems and drama in the relationship.

3. PROJECTION Hypocrisy is the narcissist’s middle name. What they say and do when no one is watching is drastically different from what they say and do in the presence of others. Since they are all about maintaining their false persona they use projection to rid the unwanted traits in their character. But since they are the emotional equivalent of a five-year-old, they magically disown the parts of themselves that reflect negatively on their personas and accuse you of the exact things they’re guilty of doing. Did you ever notice how they will accuse the most generous person of being selfish or having a hidden agenda behind their generosity? The most honest person is accused of being a liar. Their faithful partner is accused of cheating? The narcissist’s projections are really confessions that reveal what the narcissist is guilty of and/ or believes about himself/herself. In contrast, emotionally healthy people don’t use projection when they’re on the defensive. When and if they resort to character assignation, their comments more closely resemble the truth and tend to resemble slander. Not the outright lies that characterize projection.

4. TURNING UP THE VOLUME When narcissists act with a disproportionate amount of anger or rage by increasing the volume and tempo of their voice, you can bet that they’re trying to shock and bully you. Their actions are an absolute declaration of psychological warfare. Their increased volume is a ploy to get to you to back off. The sudden, shocking, cruel and disproportionate attack is an offensive maneuver aimed to destabilize, confuse and intimidate you. When you’re under attack and in a state of shock, your defenses naturally become weakened. The stress of being attacked and yelled at decreases your mental acuity and leaves you open to suggestion. As a result, your weakened state renders you less of an intellectual threat to the narcissist’s need for control and dominance.

5. PLAYING THE VICTIM There is much truth in the quote, “Deceit’s favorite role is playing the victim.” It’s no wonder why when the narcissist isn’t playing the role of the hero, he/she is playing the role poor victim. Through garnering pity, narcissists will play the victim, while vilifying the real victim, as a way of concealing their abusive behavior and avoid taking responsibility for their cruel and deceitful actions. Narcissists capitalize on the compassion of others and exploit their sympathy in any way they can, depending upon what their goal is at the time. If the narcissist doesn’t want to keep a promise and you become upset, your feelings won’t be validated; there will be no apology or display of empathy. Instead, the narcissist will get angry at you for being upset and blame you for your lack of empathy in not considering that they may be having a bad week, stress at work or so on. You will be labeled selfish or accused of being needy or demanding for expecting the poor narcissist to honor his/her word. However, if you have a bad week, don’t expect to receive the same treatment. The narcissist will expect you to keep your promise and will minimize and invalidate your feelings by portraying themselves as the victim. The narcissist will always one-up you by reciting a litany of reasons why their week was so much worse than yours or lecture you on how your life is so much easier than theirs, and so on. Whatever you can do, they can do better. Whatever bad thing happened to you, something worse happened to them.

6. GASLIGHTING Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse so insidious that many articles have been written about it. Narcissists use this tactic in conversations by purposely altering or not sharing information and replacing it with false information. This tactic is designed to systematically dismantle the victim’s ability to trust their own judgement and undermine their confidence to the point where they begin to doubt their own memories and judgements, thus rendering them highly suggestible to the narcissist’s opinion. For example, a narcissist may casually but consistently suggest how their memory is superior to yours, especially if you ever admit to being forgetful about anything. They may even go so far as hiding or rearranging your belongings, intentionally tricking you into believing your memory is faulty. Then when a difference in opinion arises or you expose a discrepancy in their story, the narcissist, with absolute conviction, will use your faulty memory as evidence to make you doubt what you heard or saw and second guess yourself, causing you to ultimately accept the narcissist’s rendition of the truth.

7. INTERRUPTING Narcissists are notorious conversation interrupters. They love to be the center of attention and control the focus of the conversation. They have no interest in having a two-way discussion with you. If you dare attempt to get a word in edge-wise or make your point of view heard, if it at all contradicts the narcissist’s point of view, your opinion will most likely be ignored or dismissed. While many people with ADHD and other mental disorders struggle with problems of poor impulsivity or poor communication and often interrupt others, the narcissist intentionally interrupts to redirect the focus of the conversation back to themselves since they believe their opinions are superior and correct, and that whatever they say should be accepted as the gospel truth. They genuinely have zero interest in hearing other people’s viewpoints or reaching compromises or win/win solutions to disagreements. They have a ‘my way or the highway’ frame of mind and interrupting allows them to control the conversation and manage it in a direction that parallels their point of view and agenda. By monopolizing the conversation, they exert their control and avoid taking responsibility or addressing important issues. In their minds, their ability to dominate conversations confirms their superiority.

8. THE SILENT-TREATMENT The silent treatment is probably one of the most common forms of emotional abuse used by narcissists when all the above tactics have been tried and have failed. Narcissists use the silent treatment as a form of punishment for not acquiescing to their point of view or as the way to gain the upper hand and control in their relationships. It’s also a way to avoid discussing important issues in the relationship and avoid taking accountability for their wrong-doings. When a narcissist uses the silent treatment, they will do it in a way that is so out of proportion to the situation. Narcissists will also tend to demand a perfectly delivered apology. If the apology is not said correctly or in the right way, the narcissists will extend the length of the silent treatment. By demanding a perfectly delivered apology, narcissists confirm their dominance and support their exaggerated importance. The silent treatment is intended to make the victim feel completely unloved, invalidated and insignificant. The use of the silent treatment is usually about control. Sometimes the narcissist will use the silent treatment just to assess the amount of control they have over people. Often, it will be used as a tactic to create distance and free up space to engage in infidelity or pursue new admirers. Victims are left feeling destroyed, as the silent treatment kills any possibility of reconciliation.

THE SEARCH FOR ANSWERS

The many people who’ve been expelled from the narcissist’s life know there is something terribly wrong with the narcissist. However, many of them never bothered or cared enough to connect the dots and define the craziness they were subjected to. But for those who have had intimate relationships with a narcissist for any length of time, it almost becomes an unsettling necessity to search for answers and put the pieces together to restore their equilibrium and unearth the reality of the absolute insanity that had become their normal existence. This is what drives most former partners of narcissists to hit the internet and actively Google the WHY DID questions – for example: Why did my partner always think they were right? Why did my mother never apologize? Why did my spouse always give me the silent treatment? Why did my sibling always make me feel like I was to blame? Why did my perfect partner change?

IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY ABOVE THE CLOUDS

Their Google search queries lead them to articles about narcissism and narcissistic traits. Survivors voraciously ingest the massive amounts of information permeating the world-wide web. The descriptions are so eerily accurate that if they didn’t know better, they would swear the articles were written about their relationship. The precision in which the articles depict their relationships, from the golden beginnings right down to the horrid end, to the t becomes the indisputable validation that precipitates the cloud of confusion to dissipate, allowing enlightenment to illuminate the truth of their situation with profound clarity. No, narcissism is not limited to vanity or arrogance, as they originally believed. It is so much more pathological and insidious than they could have ever imagined; and even worse, there is no cure.

Gradually, through their research, they realize that the narcissist never really loved them or anyone for that matter, as narcissists are wholly incapable of love and devoid of a conscience. Survivors slowly accept that the person they were in love with was just a façade and never really existed. Finally, this awareness forces them to mourn the loss of three people, only amplifying and adding to their grief. First, they must mourn the loss of the person they loved who never really existed. Second, they must mourn the loss of the person they believed their narcissist had the potential to be. Third, they must mourn the loss of their identity that had been eclipsed under the crushing weight of the imbalance and inequity of their relationship.

THE LENSES OF AWARENESS

Terms they had never heard of before – like love bombing, future faking, false-self, idealization, devaluation, projection, gaslighting, smear campaign, flying monkeys, cognitive dissonance, and triangulation – become part of the survivor’s regular vocabulary. Sadly, they become more adept at explaining the definitions of these terms than most mental health professionals because they are not just terms learned through memorization, but rather words learned through painful, real-life experiences.

Their new-found vocabulary becomes powerfully liberating as they finally offer a palpable term to explain the insanity that once was their reality, but that they were previously at a loss for words to describe. They grow so knowledgeable about the subject of narcissism and traits of NPD; they deserve to earn honorary doctorate degrees in the subject.

The crazy-making conversations of the past start to make more sense through the new lenses of awareness. Survivors begin to finally be able to put the finger on and pin-point the emotional abuse they suffered but failed to perceive was abuse at the time. The layers of blame, guilt, doubt, confusion and uncertainty of their reality that had tormented them start to erode, as they recognize that the layers were deliberately and deceptively deposited onto them by their narcissist. This is the pivotal point, where recovery from narcissistic abuse begins.

Without awareness and education about narcissistic abuse, the chances that a survivor will end up in another abusive relationship are infinitely higher. Emotional abuse is as devastating as any other kind of abuse. It’s intentional and malicious exploitation and manipulation of the heart, soul, spirit, mind, and often the wallet of another human-being, cloaked in counterfeit expressions of love and concern.

Decoding The Narc Speak

From A Narc.

The way that our kind speaks is a language all of its own. Narcspeak appears at first to be a normal way of speaking, with the inferences, interpretations and connotations that one would ordinarily expect when hearing phrases such as ‘I love you’ and ‘I am sorry’. You will not grasp that there is a different meaning to much of what we say to you, at least not until it is too late. Once you have mastered Narcspeak however it becomes readily apparent what is actually being conveyed to you. Understand this form of doublespeak from us is a useful skill to achieve.

Not only will it bring clarity to what has been said to you in the past and what was really meant, it will assist in understanding how to deal with the narcissist in your life going forward, if you have occasion to interact with him or her again. Narcspeak arises because we operate in a different reality to you. We perceive the facts differently and therefore there will be an alternative interpretation attached to what we say.

We know the context of what we are saying, so that it apparently fits with the situation and the discussion, but that is purely as a consequence of our ability to mimic and to convey what should be said. We know what we actually mean when we say these things. We mean something else. This allows us to evade any culpability at a later juncture if you try to tell us that we said something. We may deny that we said it and if we do admit it, our admission is only ever in the context of what we intend it to mean.

We use these words and phrases as a cloak to what we are actually saying to you and the sooner you begin to understand what we are really telling you, the sooner you will achieve a clarity of understanding which will remove the fog of confusion and enable you to decide how best to respond.

By way of example here are a number of phrases which you will always hear with our kind and beneath is what is really being said to you.

Narc Speak Examples: Toxic Phrases Narcissists Use

I don’t think that it suits you = You look absolutely ridiculous.

I didn’t look at anyone else the whole time I was out = I kissed several people. I have no idea who they were.

You must believe me = I am telling you a lie.

What are you thinking? = I am not going to tell you anything until I have worked you out first so I know what will be the right things to say to you.

Don’t you trust me? = I find your insecurities both irritating and wonderful. I am annoyed that you think you can exert control over me. I am pleased that you are anxious and I make you that way.

I promise = I’m just going to tell you what you want to hear.

We will always be together = You belong to me. I will pick you up and put you down as I see fit.

I cannot stop thinking about you = You and her. Oh and her. Her as well.

You don’t understand me = Everything I have told you is a lie so it is little wonder that you do not.

I like you = You do what I want.

I need some time to myself = I am spending the night with another woman.

We are just friends = We have slept together and we will again.

I am so confused = I want someone else now.

We have nothing in common, we’re not compatable = We never had and never were, I just made it look that way.

You will always be special to me, no matter what happens = Your fuel is well worth coming back for and that is why I have come back.

It was nothing serious = Yes, we had sex.

I didn’t do it = Oh yes I did.

I’d like to see you again = You have more fuel to give me.

Let’s stay friends = I want to establish a reason that seems credible to you for returning and hurting you.

I don’t really remember = I know only too well, not that I am going to admit it to you.

I am broken = I know saying this will sound good and I am feeling somewhat desperate at the moment to keep hold of you.

She meant nothing to me = Her fuel meant everything to me. More than what yours means to me.

I must have been drunk = I was drunk. I often am. I know what I did though because I wanted it to happen.

I am just speaking my mind = You had better fucking listen to me.

I am not starting an argument here = It’s fuel time.

I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better = I haven’t a clue and I don’t care.

I will change = You are a fool if you believe that.

I want to be a better person = You are a bigger fool than I first thought.

You always make it all about you = It should be all about me.

I’ve no idea who she is = I have slept with her at least a half a dozen times.

I don’t recognise that number = I do. Why is she calling me when I told her not to?

I’m not with anybody = I am but that is not standing in the way tonight.

It is all rather complicated = It is bullshit.

I didn’t mean for that to happen = Oh yes I did and I will do it again.

You made me do it = I am too weak to accept responsibility.

You don’t have to if you don’t want to = Goodbye.

I don’t know who I am sometimes = That sounds deep. She will love that.

I love you = No I don’t. I expect you to do what I want. I love your fuel.

Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers: Ways They Grow Differently

A mother’s presence is heaven’s abode, but what if this presence becomes hell for daughters? Being the daughters of narcissistic mothers can be severely damaging. Narcissistic mother feels they are entitled to control their daughters, which leads to them adopting manipulative strategies and emotional abuse to fulfill their needs and ego.

Our mother is our first love. She’s our introduction to the life and to ourselves. She’s our lifeline to security. We initially learn about ourselves and our world through interactions with her. We naturally long for her physical and emotional sustenance, her touch, her smile, and her protection. Her empathetic reflection of our feelings wants, and needs inform us who we are and that we have value.

A narcissistic mother who cannot empathize damages her children’s healthy psychological development. Like Narcissus in the Greek myth, she sees only a reflection of herself. There is no boundary of separateness between her and her children, whom she cannot see as unique individuals worthy of love.Symptoms of narcissism that make up narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) vary in severity, but they inevitably compromise a narcissist’s ability to parent.

The following are some of the characteristics and consequences of having a narcissistic mother. Notice that they unwittingly get repeated in adult abusive relationships, including relationships with narcissists, because they’re familiar – it feels like family.

What is it Like Being The Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers?

Lack of Boundaries Some of the effects on daughters are different than on sons because girls usually spend more time with their mother and look to her as a role model. Due to a lack of boundaries, narcissistic mothers tend to see their daughters both as threats and as annexed to their own egos. Through direction and criticism, they try to shape their daughter into a version of themselves or their idealized self. At the same time, they project onto their daughter not only unwanted and denied aspects of themselves, such as self-centeredness, obstinance, selfishness, and coldness, but also disliked traits of their own mothers. They may prefer their son, although they can harm him in other ways, such as through emotional incest.

Emotional Unavailability Emotional comfort and closeness that normal maternal tenderness and caring providers are absent. Narcissistic mothers may tend to their daughter’s physical needs, but leave her emotionally bereft. The daughter may not realize what’s lacking, but longs for warmth and understanding from her mother that she may have experienced with friends or relatives or witnessed in other mother-daughter relationships. She yearns for an elusive connection, felt fleetingly or never. She doesn’t learn to identify and value her emotional needs, nor know how to meet them. What remains is emptiness and/or anxiety, a sense that something is missing, and an inability to nurture and comfort herself. She may look to fill it in other relationships, but often the pattern of emotional unavailability is repeated.

Narcissistic abuse Narcissistic abuse, including repeated shaming and control, undermine the developing identity of a young girl, creating insecurity and low self-esteem. She cannot trust her own feelings and impulses and concludes that it’s her fault that her mother is displeased with her. She’s unaware that her mother will never be satisfied. In severe cases of emotional or physical abuse or neglect, a daughter may feel she has no right to exist, is a burden to her mother, and should never have been born. If not also abusive, often husbands of narcissistic women are passive and don’t protect their daughters from maternal abuse. Some mothers lie and hide their abuse. A daughter doesn’t learn to protect and stand up for herself. She may feel defenseless or not even recognize mistreatment later in adult abusive relationships.

Toxic shame She rarely, if ever, feels accepted for just being herself. She must choose between sacrificing herself and losing her mother’s love–a pattern of self-denial and accommodation is replayed as codependency in adult relationships. Her real self is rejected, first by her mother, and then by herself. The consequence is internalized, toxic shame, based on the belief that her real self is unlovable. How could she be worthy of love when her own mother didn’t love and accept her? Children are supposed to love their mothers and vice versa! A daughter’s shame is compounded by anger or hatred toward her mother that she doesn’t understand. She believes it’s further evidence of her badness, and that all her mother’s criticisms must be true. Never feeling good enough her life is one of continual striving and lack of fulfillment. Since love must be earned, her adult relationships may repeat a cycle of abandonment.

Control People with NPD are myopic. The world revolves around them. They control and manipulate their children’s needs, feelings, and choices when they can, and take it as a personal affront deserving of punishment when they can’t. Parenting is often, “My way or the highway.” Self-involvement leads some narcissistic mothers to focus only on themselves or their sons, and neglect or deprive their daughters. Other mothers want their daughter to look and be her best “according to them,” but cripple their daughters in the process through criticism and control. Such mothers attempt to live through their daughter, who they see as an extension of themselves. They want her to dress and behave just as they do, and to choose boyfriends, hobbies, and work that they would choose. “For her own good,” they might forbid or criticize whatever their daughter likes or wants, undermine her ability to think for herself, to know what she wants, to choose for herself, and to pursue it. Their attention to their daughter is accompanied by their envy and expectations of gratitude, and compliance. In adult relationships, these daughters often are in controlling relationships or get into unnecessary power struggles.

Competition Believing she is “the fairest one of all” or fearing that she’s not, motivates narcissistic mothers to not only criticize their daughter but to compete with their daughter for her husband’s and sons’ love. Such mothers may deny or not protect their daughter if they abuse her. They may restrict or disparage her boyfriends because they’re “not good enough,” yet nevertheless compete for their attention and flirt with them. To be in control and number one in their daughter’s life, they may invade their daughter’s privacy and undermine her relationships with friends and other relatives.

Recovery

Recovery from the trauma of growing up with feelings of rejection and shame takes time and effort. Ultimately, it means recovery from codependency. It starts with identifying and understanding that the shaming messages and beliefs transmitted from mother to daughter are untrue. Replacing the internalized, negative, maternal voice – the internal critic – with self-nurturing is an important step. Recovery entails both healing the past and learning new skills to overcome codependency.

The Sons Of Narcissistic Mothers And The Damage They Suffer

Overcoming pain is always difficult for anyone, especially if it comes from the person you’ve trusted the most. This tends to be more difficult for men as most of them deals with the hardship of expressing their emotions. Maternal narcissist abuse leads the men to struggle for their self-worth and their overall development. Those unhealed emotions cloud their future relationships too.

All children of narcissists suffer. The sons of narcissistic mothers suffer damage to their autonomy, self-worth, and future relationships with women. Narcissists lack empathy and the ability to nurture their children. They don’t see them as individuals, but only as extensions of themselves. Their children’s feelings and needs are neglected and criticized, while their own take precedence.

Narcissists feel entitled and insist on getting their way. The exact compliance through control, manipulation, guilt, and shame. “It’s their way or the highway,” and if you don’t oblige, they punish you with attacks, coldness, or withholding.

Their insecurity drives their insatiable, unrealistic needs for high regard and admiration. They take offense easily, triggering contempt and rage. Because they lack boundaries, they project and shame and blame others for their own emotional discomfort, which they can’t tolerate.

Dynamics between Sons and Narcissistic Mothers

Narcissism varies in degree and kind and with each individual’s personality and values. There are narcissistic mothers who are disinterested in their children; others who are over-involved. Some act aggressive, while others act caring or seductive. The following are some common patterns, though your experience may differ.

NEGLECT

Narcissistic mothers who feel burdened by motherhood neglect their children, yet shame and criticize them – sometimes for being too needy or childlike. They are needy themselves and can’t bear their child’s needs. They might demand that their young son “be a man,” or favor one child and demonstrably ignore or belittle another.

ENMESHMENT

Instead of neglect, other narcissistic mothers are enmeshed. They use their children for their narcissistic supply. Although a mother may appear independent, she may be emotionally needy and foster mutual dependency with her son through adoring and controlling behavior. She might depend on her son to support her emotionally, listen to her, be a companion, or attend to her physical needs and responsibilities. When he’s an adult, she might rely on him to make decisions and manage her affairs and finances.

Above all, she uses and exploits her son to supply her with attention, admiration, and to fill her wants and needs. She makes him feel loved, important, and valued, reinforcing his dependency. However, it’s only at her pleasure.

Hence, her over-involvement with her son can camouflage her toxic parenting. There’s usually a high price to pay for his attempts at autonomy. Through her manipulation with anger, shame, guilt, self-pity, and/or martyrdom, he learns to put her wishes and needs first and feels obligated to do so.

IDEALIZATION AND CRITICISM

Many narcissistic mothers idealize their young sons. They build his confidence and sense of importance. As he matures and challenges her control, she disparages his emerging individuality and tries to correct and change him.

To boost her ego, she may brag about her son to her friends, but is critical at home. In response, he may rebel and incur her rage or try to please her to be accepted. His fall from grace can be confusing and traumatic. It’s exacerbated if another child is born. He loses his specialness, and sibling rivalry can be extreme.

TRIANGULATION

Due to her personality disorder, her marital relations lack intimacy. Her husband may avoid her with work. To compensate, and because she’s emotionally needy, she will “triangulate” (bring in a third), be it work, a lover, an addiction, or her children for her narcissistic supply to fill her emptiness.

She may use her son as a confidant or companion. Children are ideal subjects because they idealize their parents and can easily be controlled.

It’s worse for a son if his father is absent, rages are violent, or has a mental or drug problem. Then to survive, the son may seek comfort in addiction or further bond with his mother.

SEDUCTION AND OEDIPAL ISSUES

More damaging is the seductive narcissistic mother who sexualizes her relationship with her son. She behaves inappropriately with him in language, appearance, and manner. Her behavior may only amount to emotional incest. But to a boy, she’s titillating and exciting.

This over-stimulates his natural Oedipal fantasies and sexual urges (often unconscious) toward his mother. However, if she encourages this or he’s shamed, the Oedipal complex doesn’t get resolved in a healthy way.

Ideally, a son represses his Oedipal urges as he observes his parents’ bond. He becomes closer and identifies with his father as a masculine role model. But if the marital relationship is weak and a son overly attaches to his mother, and he never accepts that he can’t have her.

Left unresolved, some sons believe (whether or not accurately) that their mother loves them more than her husband. Instead of surrendering defeat, he’s inflated and victorious over his father. This dynamic damages the son’s adult intimate relationships. It may also impair his self-concept as a man since he sees his father, who should be a positive role model, as failing.

The potential for this is exacerbated where the father is absent, or if a divorced mother denigrates and alienates her ex-husband during the Oedipal phase of her son’s development.

ENVY AND CONTROL

Just as daughters of narcissistic mothers experience their mother’s envy and competition, a narcissistic mother may be jealous of her son’s girlfriends and compete with his wife. No one will be good enough, because no one will measure up to her inflated self-image and standards. She must remain number one in his life.

She may try to control and undermine his intimate relationships, criticize or disrespect his partner, or do so subtly with innuendo and manipulation. (See the movie, Queen Bee.) Her son will feel hopelessly guilt-ridden and caught in the middle, trying to avoid hurting and angering his mother and partner (who may also be a narcissist or otherwise mentally unstable.) He feels guilty, is unaware of appropriate boundaries, and unable to set them.

The Damage to Sons of Narcissistic Mothers

Like sons of narcissistic fathers, sons of narcissistic mothers don’t feel loved for who they are, but only for what they can do for their parent’s approval.

Because appearances are all important, their children must look and act in ways that reflect positively on them. Love, if given at all, is conditional. It’s not based on understanding, appreciating, and accepting their son’s unique, true self. The son’s value depends on the extent to which he aggrandizes his parents’ ideals and ego.

This may include pressuring him into a parent’s favored profession and to achieve success or the lifestyle his parents want.

CODEPENDENCY

Whether or not sons have worldly success, they grow up insecure and codependent. Their individual identity has never been supported. Their self-worth and self-esteem have been undermined by verbal abuse and lack of love for their authentic selves. They learned to accommodate their mother by suppressing their needs, feelings, and wants.

This denial handicaps them in adult relationships. They have difficulty identifying and expressing their needs and feelings. They may self-sacrifice and feel undeserving without people-pleasing. Where the father was unable to stand up to his wife to protect children from her control and jabs, he fails to role model setting boundaries. As a result, a son can feel used, resentful, and exploited by women.

INTIMACY ISSUES

When a son feels unsafe to express feelings and needs to his mother, it feels unsafe in adult intimate relationships, as well. Having been manipulated and emotionally abandoned, he fears being judged and/or abandoned by his partner.

Additionally, having been enmeshed with his mother, he fears being engulfed and controlled by an intimate partner. Thus, he’ll avoid intimacy, prompting his partner to demand more closeness, which escalates his apprehension and defenses.

RESENTMENT

From feeling controlled and/or exploited, the son may harbor deep dislike toward his mother, even if he remains close. This often extends to other women. Generally, he will react to the woman with compliance, resistance, or anger.

Some men will be aggressive and distrust women. Other men have learned to be manipulative or be passive-aggressive. They overly accommodate, lie, or passively refuse simple requests from their partner as if they were their mother’s demands.

Their hostile behavior may eventually make their spouses act like their mothers! Resentment and intimacy fears might drive them to be dishonest or unfaithful, especially if their father was.

REPETITION

Some sons of narcissists become narcissists themselves. Sons of narcissistic mothers have higher rates of narcissism. This may be because she’s more likely to idealize and aggrandize him rather than compete, as she would with a daughter.

Other sons may repeat their maternal relationship with women who are demanding, controlling, or abusive. They may partner with an older woman, a narcissist, addict, or someone with a borderline personality disorder or other mental problems. They may become caretakers to their partner, just as they were to their mother, and find it hard to leave.

To heal, a son must come to terms with his mother’s mental illness, his anger toward her, and his grief. Eventually, he needs to accept his parents with compassion, whether or not he likes or loves them.

At the same time, he must recognize that he’s worthy of love, learn to set boundaries with his mother and others, and value and express his needs and feelings. This is part of recovering from shame and codependency.

Most Commonly Used Phrases By Narcissistic Mothers

Things narcissistic mothers say when you’ve made a choice they don’t agree with

1. You only did that to hurt me!

2. You’re so ungrateful.

4. You are SO selfish!

5. This is never going to work.

Things narcissistic mothers say when you’re upset or crying about something and they are annoyed by your emotions, which they feel are not real or relevant.

1. Get over it.

2. You’re so dramatic.

3. I’ll give you something to cry about.

4. I told you so.

5. Why do things always affect you more than other people?

6. These are the choices that you have made.

Things narcissistic mothers say when you attempt to confront them about anything

1. What is wrong with you? You’re making too much out of nothing.

2. I never did that, you are just sensitive, I don’t remember it that way.

3. I don’t care.

Things narcissistic mothers say when you have proved them wrong or have a different opinion than they do

1. You think you’re SO smart!

2. I have no idea what you’re talking about.

3. Who told you that? You’re so gullible; you can’t believe everything people say.

Things narcissistic mothers say when you question their authority

1. Don’t you dare look at me like that?

2. Get that look off your face before I slap it off.

3. Who do you think you are?

4. How DARE you question me?

Things narcissistic mothers say when they’re guilt-tripping you

1. I will die without you.

2. You’re breaking my heart.

3. You are the reason your father and I divorced.

4. You only care about yourself.

5. I’ve given up my whole life for you!

6. You owe me this (because I gave you life)

7. I’m the only one who will ever really love you.

8. You’re ungrateful.

Things narcissistic mothers say when they are tearing you down and devaluing you

1. You were a mistake. Everything in my life is your fault because you were born.

2. You’re just like (insert awful individual here)!

3. You’re never going to amount to anything. I don’t know whose child you are.

4. I’m so ashamed of you. You should be ashamed of yourself.

5. No one will ever love you. No one will ever want you.

6. You are worthless.

7. You’re immature.

8. You don’t deserve to be happy.

9. Just wait till your father gets home!

10. It’s a shame you don’t have any friends. People would like you more if you weren’t so ______.

11. Everyone else agrees that you’re horrible/lazy/stupid/otherwise unsavory.

Things narcissistic mothers say when they are jealous of you

1. You’re such a Polly Anna, always with your rose-colored glasses on!

2. You think you’re so pretty/smart/good

3. You’re a (insert rude term here) and you are only trying to get attention!

4. Guys only like you because you’re a (insert rude term here), or girls only like you for your money.

5. People always used to tell me I was pretty.

6. You’re ugly on the inside.

Things narcissistic mothers say when they are issuing the back-handed compliments

1. You’re so smart but you have zero common sense.

2. You would be so pretty if you just lost a few pounds

3. Your house is so clean! No wonder your two-year-old can’t read yet.

4. That dress is so pretty! It would look great on your sister.

5. I’m so proud of your accomplishment – obviously, you get it from me.

Things narcissistic mothers say when they are having delusions of grandeur

1. I am not capable of lying! How dare you accuse me of that?

2. Everyone wishes they could have a mother like me.

3. Calm down! You’re being irrational!

4. I’ll never understand how I gave birth to a horrible child like you.

5. I can’t believe you’re no good at ______. You should be successful at _______ because you’re MY child!