Signs of Narcissistic Abuse Therapists Need You to Know

Narcissism doesn't just affect one person—it can have far-reaching negative and sometimes dangerous effects. Here are the signs of narcissistic abuse in a relationship.

Understanding narcissistic abuse

While the word narcissistic is thrown around a fair amount, narcissistic personality disorder is a rare and diagnosable condition. According to The American Journal of Psychiatry, up to 5.3 percent of the general population has the mental health disorder. However, this doesn’t just affect those who have the personality disorder. Therapists are beginning to recognize the negative and dangerous effects of narcissistic personality disorder on the people surrounding those with the disorder. They’ve even given it a name: narcissistic abuse. Here’s what you need to know about narcissistic abuse, how to recognize the signs, and deal with it, according to experts.

What exactly is narcissistic abuse?

“Narcissistic abuse is a term used in some therapy fields for the negative consequences of relationships with narcissistic individuals,” says W. Keith Campbell, PhD, psychology professor at University of Georgia and author of The New Science of Narcissism. Though it doesn’t have an official definition, experts who work with narcissists and those around them are honing in on why it occurs.

Why it occurs

“The basic reason for abuse is that people who are narcissists can be very good at many things but they’re not good at relationships,” says Elinor Greenberg, PhD, licensed psychologist, Gestalt therapist, trainer in borderline, narcissistic, and schizoid adaptations, and author of Borderline, Narcissistic and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration and Safety. “They’re living on a tightrope while the rest of us are on solid ground. The narcissistic adaptation involves trying to get self-esteem and being as far from feeling shame as possible.” Greenberg adds that these people can resort to extreme methods to avoid feeling shame, including devaluing those around them, acting grandiose, or being highly sensitive to things that others with thicker skin may have ignored. The result: Instead of feeling shame or discomfort, narcissists go to great lengths to transfer those feelings to their partner, resulting in a cycle of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. There are a number of ways that narcissists will do this.

Signs of narcissistic abuse

Extreme language “Narcissists tend to view the world as all good or all bad,” explains Greenberg. “The way this will manifest is that they’ll use lots of extreme language at both ends of the spectrum.” For example, they might refer to a tasty omelet as the most delicious thing they’ve ever eaten or describe a headache as the worst pain that any human could bear. The bad news is that when narcissists turn this extreme language on their partner, it’s likely the negative end of the spectrum. “Narcissists are very easily threatened and will be quick to invalidate others or make them feel worthless,” says Greenberg. According to the Office on Women’s Health, the feelings of shame and being unwanted that can result from this are hallmarks of emotional abuse in relationships.

There’s no middle ground “To be diagnosed with full-on narcissistic personality disorder you have to lack the ability to see yourself and other people in an integrated, stable, and realistic way,” says Greenberg. One way this missing trait will reveal itself is in how the narcissist talks about themselves and their own flaws as well as about people who aren’t present. “Most people live in a sort of middle ground in both cases,” explains Greenberg, noting that someone who isn’t a narcissist usually isn’t inclined to judge themselves or others too harshly. “But for narcissists, there isn’t any middle ground.” Proximity to this tendency towards extreme judgments can be dizzying and mentally draining.

One-mindedness “One-mindedness is the belief that there is only one valid point of view and it’s their own. It’s something children have but usually grow out of around 3 or 4 years old,” says Greenberg. It can also be incredibly damaging to a relationship, which requires compromise. “A narcissist only sees one way as the better way,” adds Greenberg. “They can’t see the pluses and minuses of someone else’s position.” In many cases, this leads to the narcissist being overly argumentative or antagonistic. “This core antagonism has been called entitled self-importance or darkness,” says Campbell. “It’s in this antagonism where we find narcissists’ sense of entitlement, lack of empathy, manipulativeness, and belief in their superiority.” (A lack of empathy is one of many symptoms of someone with an antisocial personality disorder or a psychopath.)

Public negativity Say you’re at a restaurant and the service is subpar. You may comment on it in hushed tones while your server is out of sight or even wait until you’re in the car on the way home to voice your disappointment. But a narcissist, says Greenberg, is much less likely to wait. “They are quick to take others apart publicly in a negative and devaluing way,” she says. More generally, they may say things in public that their companions can’t believe they mean or find very odd, strange, or inappropriate. If this happens repeatedly, it may lead to less socializing and interacting with others and increased isolation, a tactic used by domestic abusers.

Prioritizing the self “The narcissistic self is always at risk and can gain status or lose status at any time,” says Campbell. “So narcissists’ motives and goals are heavily shifted in the direction of the self. With grandiose narcissism, people build and enhance themselves, and with vulnerable narcissism, people protect themselves. In either case, narcissists prioritize self before others.” That’s a problem because mutual support is critical to any healthy, happy relationship and the lack of support can lead to feelings of isolation and low self-esteem.

Being a victim of life Despite their feelings of superiority and entitlement, many narcissists also hold themselves completely unaccountable in the events of their own lives, says Greenberg. “They will say things like it’s always the other person’s fault, they are perfectly blameless, and they just have a history of other people doing them wrong. But this ‘victim of life’ idea is just an unrealistic position.” It will also negatively affect the people closest to them since that is where the blame will most likely fall.

Dealing with narcissistic abuse “Whether these things will truly become a problem in a relationship is a crapshoot. The dice can roll any way, any day,” says Greenberg. If the narcissist is getting validation from another source, such as from their job, they may be able to maintain a relatively healthy relationship for quite a while, she adds. “But if that validation goes away, things can go downhill fast.” If things do go downhill, seeking out a family or relationship therapist might help—though a narcissist is unlikely to admit any wrongdoing or recognize blame. If it gets to the point where you feel like you need help out of an emotionally abusive relationship, please contact your local womens aid.

Experts say we're in an epidemic of narcissism. Do you know the telltale signs?

They have zero patience for other people’s problems

The defining feature of narcissism is an excessive interest in oneself, which means they generally care very little about other people’s experiences. “Narcissists tend to have a diminished sense of empathy, meaning that it is difficult for them to attend and relate to the thoughts, feelings, and suffering of others,” explains Sander van der Linden, PhD, a social psychologist at the University of Cambridge who has done extensive research on narcissistic personality.

They are charming and magnetic

Narcissists make an incredible first impression, appearing to others to be confident, sexy, attractive, competent, warm, and funny. This means they’re often the most popular or most interesting person in the room as people feel drawn to their overwhelming charisma even without really knowing them, says research published in Frontiers in Psychology. However, the sparkly social veneer quickly wears thin as the more time you spend with them, the more the negative aspects of narcissism begin to take over.

They are a take-charge leader

Because of the ego boost and power they provide, leadership roles are a natural draw for people with a narcissistic personality, according to a study published in Personnel Psychology. And, the researchers found, narcissists can make very good leaders—up to a point. That’s because eventually, people under them may begin to tire of them being exploitative, arrogant, and even tyrannical.

They go through friends fast

It’s the narcissist’s paradox: They constantly denigrate and disparage others, yet they desperately need their admiration. This means they are constantly finding new friends who will praise and adore them, only to ditch them the second they start to get too real. “Seeking admiration is like a drug for narcissists,” explains Mitja Back, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Munster and author of a paper on narcissism. “In the long run, it becomes difficult because others won’t applaud them, so they always have to search for new acquaintances from whom they get the next fix.”

They are master manipulators

Manipulation and exploitation are the narcissist’s modus operandi in relationships, Dr. Van der Linden says. Friends, family, and lovers are only good for what they can provide to the narcissist, whether it’s through feeding their ego or providing them with money, sex, advanced social standing or other things they want. Master manipulators can often sabotage a healthy relationship and transform it into a toxic relationship.

They can’t stop talking about how great they are

Narcissists love nothing more than to talk about themselves and their own achievements, Dr. Van der Linden says, and the tendency to be overly braggy and arrogant is often one of the first tip-offs as to their true nature. But they don’t just say they’re the best, the genuinely believe they are better than others. “Delusions of grandiosity and a strongly inflated sense of self-importance and entitlement are hallmarks of narcissism,” he adds.

They can’t handle criticism

“Although some narcissists are more introverted, many narcissists react defensively and even aggressively, to personal criticism or failures,” Dr. Van der Linden explains. When confronted with a weakness, even in a neutral way, they can react with sudden and surprising outbursts of yelling, crying, anger, or other aggressive behaviors.

They are obsessed with the latest fashions or standing out

The intense absorption with oneself often manifests in being very particular about appearance and wanting to be known as the hottest, most desired person in the group, according to research published in the Journal of Research in Personality. Narcissists put a great deal of time and energy into “creating a physically attractive veneer” through exercise, expensive clothing, makeup, hairstyles, cars, accessories, and other public displays of power and status.

They won’t take no for an answer

Because of their feeling of entitlement and lack of empathy, narcissists are more likely to push for what they want and refuse to accept a negative or alternate response. And this tendency can even cross over into the criminal. A study done by the University of Georgia found that narcissistic men were far more likely to rape or sexually assault another person.

They are very insecure

Insecure narcissism may seem like an oxymoron but the two go together more than you’d think, says Zlatan Krizan, PhD, an assistant professor of psychology at Iowa State University. “These individuals still think they’re special, entitled, and they want to be great, but they just can’t do it,” he says. “As a result they’re vulnerable, their self-esteem fluctuates a lot, they tend to be self-conscious and not very proactive, but passive, shy, and introverted.”

They are sexually promiscuous

People with a narcissistic personality are more likely to sleep with many partners and to cheat in a relationship because they’re always looking for something (er, someone) better, according to a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. And because of their desire to control other people and their inability to empathize with them, they may also get a perverse pleasure from convincing others to do sexual acts they wouldn’t otherwise.

They’ll tell you straight out

While most of us see a narcissistic personality as a bad thing, narcissists themselves may not—and may actually take some pride in it. “This will, of course, depend on the person and the situation, but in general, there’s a good chance that they might just tell you. Our research, as well as that of our colleagues’, shows that people are surprisingly willing to self-identify as narcissists,” Dr. Van der Linden says. “The ‘narcissist’ label seems to provide an opportunity for narcissists to differentiate themselves from other people because it signifies a unique status, which likely makes them feel even more ‘special.'”