How Narcissists Use DARVO to Escape Accountability

Sometimes it can seem as if highly narcissistic people possess such extraordinary manipulation skills that they appear to bend reality to their will. In many cases, survivors of narcissistic abuse are left reeling as the perpetrator blithely revises the fact of their aggression, twisting the truth into a narrative that bears no semblance to what actually transpired. This is because narcissists have mastered a tactical maneuver that effectively grooms individuals and, indeed, entire social groups by controlling their perception of events. The name of this strategy is DARVO.

What is DARVO?

DARVO is an acronym for Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim and Offender. It is a defense mechanism used by manipulators to evade accountability for the abuse they inflict on others. It is a blame-shifting tactic used for gaslighting in the context of emotional abuse. The term was first presented in a 1997 article by Jennifer J. Freyd, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology at the University of Oregon and founder of the Center for Institutional Courage. According to Dr. Freyd, “The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim – or the whistleblower – into an alleged offender.”

Denial is used by the abuser and bystanders in their clique. It usually sounds like:

I didn’t do anything, but if I did, it wasn’t that bad.

It never happened, but if it did, it wasn’t that bad.

At the local level, this strategy is common among perpetrators of sexual offenses, psycho-emotional abuse, and domestic abuse. DARVO is a regular feature of coercive and controlling behavior. At the structural level, Dr. Freyd refers to this tactic as institutional DARVO.

Who gets targeted for DARVO?

For DARVO to occur a power imbalance must exist. It is most effective when the abuser has more social capital than the survivor. If the abuser is a member of a dominant group and the survivor is a member of a disenfranchised group, generally the survivor is less likely to be believed.

People who are likely candidates for DARVO are:

Survivors who confront their abuser.

Whistleblowers.

Socially vulnerable individuals or groups, e.g. women are more likely to be targeted for DARVO than men.

What is the purpose of DARVO?

The DARVO tactic serves many purposes.

DARVO is a smokescreen used by narcissists, psychopaths or other manipulators to conceal the truth of their behavior.

DARVO enables the narcissist, psychopath or other manipulator to control how others perceive the target and the conflict.

DARVO often stuns the targeted person into confusion and silence.

Thus, the abuser is able to craft a scapegoat story which is used to cultivate biases against the target and rally bystanders to their cause.

“This occurs, for instance, when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of ‘falsely accused’ and attacks the accuser’s credibility and blames the accuser of being the perpetrator of a false accusation,” explains Dr. Freyd.

In a DARVO climate, no amount of evidence will suffice as proof of the abuser’s transgressions. The target will not be believed within a social circle that has been groomed by a narcissist, psychopath or other manipulator. On the contrary, the target will be subjected to a terrifying campaign of victim-blaming by the group. Once the abuser has successfully secured the bystanders’ support and conditioned them to perceive the survivor as the perpetrator, the clique collectively subjects the survivor to the merciless process of scapegoating. If the survivor lives through it, they are usually driven into isolation and social death. Other outcomes can include homicide or death by self-annihilation. The narcissist, psychopath or manipulator’s endgame is the complete destruction of the target.

DARVO as a collective grooming tactic

The cognitive distortions created by DARVO cultivate an ecosystem of moral corruption. Members of the peer group are encouraged by the narcissist to engage in polarized or black and white thinking. The group’s empathy for the narcissist is weaponized and used to encourage negative biases about the recipient of the abuse. Narcissists, psychopaths and other manipulators do this in order to ensure that members of the dominant clique become indifferent and callous about the betrayal of the survivor. The desensitization of the group opens the door to the objectification of the targeted individual and once this is accomplished every kind of violence becomes acceptable. Examples of this can be seen in manifestations of anti-semitism, racism, sexism and homophobia.

Why do bystanders participate in collective betrayal?

According to Dr. Freyd betrayal blindness is a survival mechanism that arises “when awareness would threaten necessary relationships.” In other words, bystanders yield to betrayal blindness in the interest of looking out for themselves and to avoid the loss or pain they might risk if they sympathized with the target. They assign more value to their relationship with the abuser so it follows that it’s in their best interest to empathize with the narcissist not with the survivor.

In fact, in many cases bystanders may stand to gain more social capital if they lend their support to the narcissist. So it is usually a combination of greed for gain and an instinct for self-preservation that eclipses any ethical or moral considerations in the bystander. In other words, members of the clique adapt to conflict within the group by “turning a blind eye,” to the harmful behaviors of the narcissist.

The longterm effects of DARVO on survivors

Many survivors feel psychologically obliterated by the trauma of experiencing DARVO. It can have disastrous consequences for the survivor’s mental health. For example, it can cause severe anxiety, panic, depression, and post-traumatic stress which, in turn, can adversely impact the survivor’s physical wellbeing. DARVO invalidates the survivor’s lived experience. It inflicts further pain and suffering as the wronged party is cheated out of any measure of justice. Instead, in addition to the original violation, survivors are persecuted and blamed in spite of the fact that they are the wronged party. Rejection from their peers and the narcissist’s immunity to being held accountable is a constant cascade of salt poured in the survivor’s wounds, causing them to be repeatedly re-traumatized

10 ways narcissists drain the life out of you.

1.) THEY INVOLVE TRUTH SUPPRESSION AND CONTROL

They force upon others a controlled narrative combined with sensationalism for there is the ulterior self-serving motive. They’ll sugarcoat the truth that everything is just fine. They’ll find ways to mask the issue. The lack of acknowledgement or accountability of a serious issue is very telling.

The challenge for many of us is should we believe the stories we are told or hear. Stories are always complex yet we have the habit of taking them in as if they’re so simple. We are prone to narcissistic conditioning by pushing buttons on a lot of our unmet needs or if it entails a major unmet need.

You already know that we should be suspicious of simple yet invalidated remarks or stories. In any group conflict or tension, as you hone in on the root cause involving a narcissist, you’re still better off with getting a comprehensive picture and different sides. You need to make a concerted effort to think about what really is going on. Sometimes, talking about something with those concerned in a group conflict means you’re sorting things out and may take time and need all the information & processing you can get.

Talk with others if you must. For a lot of us guys this is difficult. A lot of us men don’t like to express or articulate what is going on in our daily lives. We, especially, don’t like to express or address our emotions. We have a bad habit and tendency to think that shutting out our feelings and not talking about them is the only way to go as it is often considered the status quo for men to talk less. Don’t worry about sexist comments that are thrown in like “talking like a girl” or “being girly.” What do they mean by that? What’s wrong with being a girl right?

This is considered to be more of a disability among us men; our rates are said to exceed compared to women. As a man you may disagree but there’s a lot of truth in this. We are led to believe that emotions are not for us or that they are only for the weak. As in yeah, you got to be the douche or the forever strong schmuck.

Narcissists don’t have a lot of emotional resilience. In fact, they are too scared to dissect or process their emotions. If not, they suppress them, which prevents maturing their emotional well-being in the first place. They are just not that emotionally mature to understand, process or comprehend especially difficult life situations. They would rather make up circular stories that are not verifiable. They rage, get angry or are often impatient when they are proven wrong or called out on something; and this often would include tantrums, throwing objects and encouraging a physical fight especially at defining moments of a high conflict.

If in the public eye, you see major companies polluting the environment relying on suppressing evidences or stories for matters of “privacy”, they are the types who would rely on the excuse that “it’s between them” or “it’s between us.” “Forgetting is the key and not being emotional” is another sentiment narcissists foster. It’s also known as the Forgive and Forget trap or the “let’s move forward” type of sugarcoating. They would rather not go into details of a bigger picture for they are too afraid to show their true selves. They are afraid to show what is going on for it would only make them look bad. Ask any women who’ve been with a self-centered narcissistic douche and they’ll confirm this fact with you. The same goes for men who have been with a narcissistic princess or queen.

They are very much afraid of confrontation, especially a group one. They prefer to deal one on one in moments of high conflicts as this would allow them to selectively create false stories.

Since they can’t survive without constant validation, looking bad to others is something they try to avoid as much as they can. They’ll do anything for their own “protection” and benefit.

2.) THEY HAVE EXCEEDINGLY HIGH & UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

There’s a term called the Grandiosity Gap. Born out of their delusions of grandeur and high sense of entitlement, narcissists are too broken to bridge the gap or disconnect between the grandiose way they perceive themselves or their expectations and the reality of how people truly view them or what people truly feel about them. You can also put it as the big difference of their delusions versus reality.

As a consequence, overcompensation, or overwhelming expectations and/or demands become a constant part of their life equation. They then foster the image of an overbearing man baby or a princess who thinks the world owes them everything while clothing themselves in an appearance of superiority and some sort of life fantasy.

Self-perceived notion of grand roles or creating some sort of “life fantasy” adds up to the many layers of their false pretenses. Religion (or religiosity) for one, is often used as a cover or escape while association to words such as “Perfect family, man/woman of my dreams, prince charming, life savior” and other means of attaining or getting some sort of ‘fix’ would be another symptom.

Expectations vs reality is a struggle for them. They can’t relate to a process but just see the results they want to get. If you tell them what’s really happening, they see you only as somebody who’s making an excuse. This is one of those many things you realize you can’t win, for no matter what you do, it’s never enough for them because they are unable to see or acknowledge the so called ‘little things’ that happen behind the scenes.

The trickiest and the most interesting category is the covert narcissist (aka the secret narcissist or the wolf in sheep’s clothing). While he or she may not be a show off, the covert narcissist projects a humble, caring, kind and patient image. He or she projects the image of a helper, lover, provider, leader or some sort of savior especially to anyone who’s vulnerable. He or she claims to be the helper of people in need and enjoy it. But it’s just a way to project his or her own self-pity while giving themselves the sense of superiority yet are still deeply selfish and have the same qualities as the obvious (overt) narcissist.

3.) TRIANGULATION

Triangulation is often found among highly conflicted family situations involving a family member who’s narcissistic but it can happen among varying social circles outside of a family setting. Triangulation or splitting means the rise of tension or conflict among family members because one person (the narcissist) is not fully communicating the truth or selectively communicating the truth, lying and creating different versions of the story that it creates tension for the rest of the members. And often the solution for the narcissist (together with a cooperating participant) is to find a scapegoat. They usually would need to find a submissive partner that they can dominate or somebody who can cover for them and/or someone that they can basically put their blame on.

Note that they can only fool someone who wants to be fooled. They can’t hide. They are always found out in the process, be it short term or in the long run.

One of the many difficulties they have understanding (and will never be able to get away with) is that their stories are not consistent and many other pieces of relevant data they try to block you from knowing. They are not willing to delve into details. They combine this with their truth suppression methods such as “Forgetting is the key and not processing emotions” or back again to the “It’s between them” or “It’s between us” type of narrative.

Their mental blind spots are something they can’t even notice. The responsibility then relies on the enabling person for letting it slide or not acknowledging it when they know what’s going on.

4.) IT’S NEVER THEIR FAULT

They don’t or are not willing to take responsibility or accountability for their actions. Admitting to a fault for their actions or what they say would make them feel they are going to lose, as if everything is always a game. On a deep level they feel they are deeply flawed or that they are defective from within or have a sense of inadequacy. Admitting to a fault would mean a confirmation of the inadequacy they fear.

With this, they would often blame someone as if it’s entirely someone’s fault even though that someone is not the root cause of the problem.

Other notable lines would be “Why didn’t you tell me?” or “Why didn’t you say anything?” as if they need to be told. They are very good at playing the innocent card to pass the blame back to you.

Another common narcissistic trait is blaming others for their own emotions (emotional blackmail). An example would be: “Oh look at me I’m now feeling this way because of you.”

It is very common too for those who have been involved with narcissists that they will never remember all the things you did right, only what you did wrong. This arms them further of not admitting to any fault.

5.) THEY LACK EMOTIONAL DEPTH & EMPATHY

Since they are truth suppressors, they suppress their emotions as well; or are incapable of processing their emotions to begin with (as it can start from childhood and regression happens as an adult). They are basically emotionally immature or their emotional intelligence is impaired.

I remember once I was in an airport and I witnessed a father lose his temper and get angry at an obviously young child and say “You know I feel hurt when you ignore me?!” I have to say I was shocked to hear it. At the same time, I was thinking to myself that, for crying out loud, it’s only a kid, what does the kid know about your feelings dude? Who knows if that parent is a full blown narc but the lack of emotional maturity he displayed was glaring and this is typical of a narc.

The lack of emotional depth doesn’t allow them to recognize a multitude of human expressions that they can only see at face value or they are unable to read between the lines. They can only imitate or parrot someone else’s words or language. They have no originality. Others describe narcissists as robots, being linear, black and white and overly procedural in their thoughts.

Narcissists are known to be imitators of a persona for the range emotions they themselves couldn’t genuinely understand and create.

The lack of empathy is the most telling. Their inability to empathize blocks them from connecting well with others. At many times their own truth just happened to have been suppressed by another narcissist. Their own emotions have been suppressed so much that it drives them crazy and that they just have to go with it. Thanks in part to authoritarian parenting.

6.) THEY GUILT OTHERS FOR THEIR OWN ADVANTAGE

Channeling the guilt of others is one of their classic MO’s as well. If they themselves ask for remorse, what they’re really asking is to guilt you to further hide what they don’t want you to know. And since it’s never their fault, this gives them another way to pass the blame. (i.e. it’s a therapeutic release for a group of collective narcissists to always be demanding and getting a public apology).

Gaslighting is a known method they use – “Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity.”

7.) THEY HAVE AN ENABLER

It could be a spouse, a parent, a partner or anybody where they are getting their main source of validation which eventually becomes a superficial validation. The enabler usually is what is called the codependent. Typical codependents are those who have developed a caretaker mentality. Having a caretaker mentality is heaven for the narcissist since they would love to have somebody who is willing to take responsibility for them. Care-taking codependents have been conditioned to take on this responsibility for a long time. Codependents are their perfect victims.

These enablers would be like their horse and if you’re battling with a narcissist, you’d have to be aware of the horse first.

Narcissistic husbands are usually covered by a codependent wife; Narcissistic girlfriends are covered by a codependent nice-pushover-doormat guy; Narcissistic partners force codependent relationships over time – forcing submission on the part of the other half.

8.) THEY ARE SMEARERS & SPINNERS

Engaging in a smear campaign or character assassination is another classic MO of a narcissist. It doesn’t matter be it in public or be it with a selective group of people. It happens usually when the relationship at hand has come to an end, especially to cover their tracks on being found out.

There’s a big difference when narcissists talk about normally sane people versus normally sane people talking about narcissists.

Narcissists would simply twist, outright lie, make up stories to make somebody look bad while making themselves look good with a controlled narrative and total disregards to…*drum roll*…facts. Facts or inconsistencies usually are glaring. They would even go with after a fallout: “Oh I never really knew the guy” as if they are so innocent and completely had nothing to do with the person they are in conflict with. But the person they are in conflict has actually been their “bff” or “gff” for a long time.

Another classic example is when the one who was dumped ends up telling everyone that he or she did the breaking up. A complete opposite of what really happened.

When normally sane people talk about narcissists, they talk about it in a level as if it’s a sad thing that it’s happening. They feel that it’s a shame that it’s happening. They would talk about how they viewed the narcissist positively in spite of it all.

Misery loves company. Narcissists constantly feel alone so it makes them feel good about themselves knowing that there is somebody who can be miserable like them. They feel good about themselves when they feel they can bring someone down as it makes them feel higher.

As friend of mine once said, “They’re pullers; they pull people down.”

“I am a recovering narcissist. I thought narcissism was about self-love ‘til someone told me there is a flip side to it. It is actually drearier than self-love; it is unrequited self-love.” – Emily Levine, American humorist, writer and public speaker

It was obvious with one narcissistic ex-roommate I encountered 6 years ago that he was so focused on destroying my character or obsessing on my flaws or problems with everyone he knows. He shared the stories of misdeeds and flaws of other people to me. He was so obsessed on the character and misery of other people he knows. It didn’t take me long enough to realize that he does it to make him feel better. It made him feel “high” by putting someone so low. It made him feel that he’s not the only miserable one.

Other common things narcissists tend to obsess about to make themselves feel better is when they love targeting someone else’s financial situation. As an example, if someone used to own a house but decided to move out of state and is just renting, they would easily assume that someone had a foreclosure. It’s a negative conclusion upfront. They love using the ‘financial situation’ scenario to make them feel good with known expressions such as “oh their business is doing bad” or “he’s broke.”

At times they would also make your life their business where it’s not theirs to begin with, giving unsolicited advice due to their inability to empathize. It could be anything about your life, dishing whatever they think on matters such as your love life as if they know better. Then when not listened to, they smear. This is because they demonstrate an abnormally developed capacity to criticize others (as in, “dish it out” to them). They can only ‘box’ you in a reality that they can only comprehend.

Their smearing goes hand in hand with their spinning methodology. If you call them out with something negative, they’ll find a way to spin the obvious negative things observed about them into something positive. They love using the straw man argument to make it easily appear that they are in the right even if they’re not.

You can also call this table as the narcissist’s advanced straw man examples. Where instead of meeting the argument, they replace the premise with something else that can easily be believed or refuted.

9.) THEY’RE BLACK AND WHITE THINKERS

The shades of gray or middle ground is very difficult for narcissists to make sense of. This is often considered to be an unconscious defense mechanism because when they behave in a certain unhealthy way which pushes others away, they aren’t able to recognize it due to their low levels of emotional maturity or whatever developmental impairment they have. The only way for them to cope with the denial or rejection is to think in extremes that they are right and everybody else is wrong. It then becomes a major part of their thinking process.

It is their unconscious way to make sense of the world yet it is maladaptive, often leading to confusion, inciting anger and arguments. This is one reason why it’s tough to say the word “sorry” to a narcissist. In doing so, the narcissist would automatically think that he or she is right about everything.

10.) THEY’RE OPPORTUNISTS

Narcissists are opportunistic, manipulative or exploitative. If you’re not strong with establishing your boundaries, you’d keep letting a lot of things slide until they all blow up. They’ll find ways to take advantage of you or make you look silly to anyone they can talk to, especially to their friends and family (or their enablers).

They’ll take advantage of you to pass on the blame, their issues, their conflicts, and anything that would get them what they want. Consider them as psychological thieves. After all, they would do anything to protect their false selves. If they are not perfect, they quickly swing to acting as somebody you can sympathize with such as being the hero, the savior, the martyr or the victim.

Narcissism is considered to be a psychological immune response. The tougher it is to go back from as it becomes full blown. But the more all the traits described herein are simultaneously and consistently present in an individual, the likelihood of full blown narcissism along with other Cluster B traits becomes higher.

Mind you, they are people just like you. They are people too but happened to have been hurt pretty badly or never got the chance to truly develop or grow. But let’s be honest. They need intervention; they need serious help. This is not something that can be solved by “love” or by letting it be; or even talking with the actual narcissist about it as if you can you change him or her. Before there’s no more life left in you or before you let them get to you, you’re better off walking away if you find yourself dealing with one.

Acknowledge the signs. The narcissistic ways or traits mentioned in this article are often tolerated as if they are okay. They are not okay. A lot worse is that one may even deny that there’s no such thing; or one may say a lot do these anyway.

Narcissism is on the rise and in high likelihood together with other Cluster B traits. The challenge begins in striving for and fostering a healthy environment not conducive to these traits, and to acknowledge and address the presence of these traits — especially in yourself.

Anxious Behaviors That Could Actually Be Trauma Responses

All people have peculiar behaviors. Sometimes they are not weird at all to us, yet may appear odd to an outside observer. While many behaviors are just, well, human, sometimes they can be due to anxiety. Some of the stereotypical traits of anxiety include nervousness, fear of speaking in public, or fear of being in crowds. But many forms of anxiety are not as obvious, like that of people who actually prefer being in a crowd, yet dread a 1-on-1 coffee meetup. No matter their level of recognition, many anxious behaviors may be linked to some experiences of childhood trauma. Research has demonstrated a link between trauma and many symptoms of anxiety, finding that our experiences in childhood and beyond often lead to behavior manifestations present well into adulthood.

A fear of being negatively viewed or evaluated manifests in many different ways. Many survivors of childhood trauma fear being put in a situation from which they cannot escape, such as having other people in their homes or safe spaces, and this can lead to a multitude of avoidance behaviors. The "trauma brain" wants to avoid any experience that reminds us of a time when we were unable to escape from discomfort.

These responses manifest in many different areas of a person's life. While many of these are experienced by people who have not had trauma, and can be explained by other means, I find that these 10 are some of the most common anxious responses that I see in my personal life and in my therapy practice:

1. Not answering the phone, or avoiding making calls.

This one might seem obvious, and in my millennial social circle, it is not even seen as weird. To someone who does not have social anxiety, answering the phone might seem like a simple task, and avoiding it might just look like laziness. However, what separates this from normal laziness or avoidance is the adrenaline and cortisol spike that follows for someone who has a trauma history. While simply ordering takeout or confirming the grocery list with a partner can be a neutral experience, answering an unexpected call inspires fear that the act might lead to a conversation in which we may be put on the spot. This is reminiscent of feelings of being caught, being put on the spot by parents or caregivers when there was no way out, or having had our privacy or boundaries violated.

2. Shutting down or being silent during group events or in social settings.

If this seems like obvious social anxiety, sometimes it is. Many forms of social anxiety can be the result of growing up in a chaotic environment, where our nervous system was constantly dysregulated, or where we were constantly having to be "on"—ready to take care of someone else, or ready for a verbal altercation. As a result, adult trauma survivors sometimes have experiences of being overstimulated during social settings. Situations where we are expected to present with a high level of engagement can be draining, and it may feel like there is no way to get a mental break. Instead, we "check out"—by looking at our phone, going to the bathroom to be alone, or becoming silent. In contrast, many people with social anxiety find that this experience is actually more stressful than being in a large crowd where we are not under any pressure to engage socially.

3. Being nervous or uncomfortable when someone sits too close to you.

This is so common that there are memes based around the humor of this shared experience. Many people with social anxiety love having the movie theatre to themselves, or at least with large spaces in between them and the next group. Having an unknown person sitting next to them at the movies instead can actually make an anxious person unable to focus on the film due to being so hyperaware of the close proximity to another person. When we grew up in an environment in which our boundaries were violated, we have a heightened sense of awareness of other people, and our position within a crowd or in a room. Therefore, having a large personal bubble becomes essential to maintaining internal comfort.

4. Needing to sit in certain places or areas during restaurant visits or social events.

Many survivors of trauma report that they prefer to sit with their back to a wall, as opposed to a door or open space. Due to their constant state of hypervigilance, their nervous system keeps them "ready" for any perceived, even if illogical, threat. Sitting where they can observe the room and those within it seems to calm that nervous tension, even if just for the moment.

5. Overeating or overdrinking.

Trauma survivors develop ways of self-soothing, often in the form of either indulging in or avoiding food or substances. In recent decades, the health industry has developed an increased understanding of the link between trauma and anxiety around food or drink. "People who have eating disorders frequently have a history of adverse childhood experiences and trauma" (Jones, 2021). While not all unhealthy patterns of eating or substance use will meet the criteria for a disorder, there is still often a link between one's relationship with food and substances and their adverse experiences or unmet needs in childhood.

6. Someone knocking on your door who is unexpected/uninvited.

I once joked that there are two types of people: those who answer the door when they hear a knock, and those who hide and wait for the person to leave. All joking aside, I was in my 30s before I realized that my reaction to an unexpected knock on my front door was not something that everyone had. Often this elevated sense of paranoia and anxiety is related to experiences as a child of being unable to escape.

7. Constantly apologizing, even for things that aren't your (or anyone's) fault.

When we are constantly criticized, or consistently made to feel that everything is our fault, we develop a strong sense of shame. This manifests in a constant need to over-apologize, even when you have not done anything wrong. This is often a result of emotional abuse or neglect in childhood.

8. Having a heightened startle reflex.

When the nervous system is constantly dysregulated, it is common to have a heightened response to noises or stimuli that others might not notice or be bothered by. Having an increased startle response, or being "jumpy," is correlated with childhood trauma and abuse.

9. Not wanting to have people over to your house because you cannot control when they leave.

This is often due to not being able to control your own safe space, such as growing up in a home in which boundaries were blurred and privacy was violated.

10. Being more comfortable around certain people than others.

Growing up in an environment where adults are not always safe and trustworthy causes many to feel uneasy around new people. Trauma survivors have a heightened sense of who we feel comfortable or "safe" with.

Why Narcissistic Parents Treat Their Kids Like Babies ... and the profound impact it has on their future.

Treating an adult like a child, or infantilization, creates a cycle of dependence in which the adult constantly needs to be told what to do and how to do it. The negative effects of infantilization on older adults, as when younger health care workers call them “cute” or “honey,” are well-documented as involving an accelerated loss of functioning. Infantilization also causes resentment in the target. You probably know this feeling quite well if you’ve been treated in a patronizing manner by someone younger than you, if not in a medical setting, then perhaps at a store counter. “Let me show you this, sweetie,” would be such an example. In additional to feeling less than competent, you probably also feel insulted and resentful.

Even in children, infantilization can have negative consequences. Imagine you have a young daughter who’s just learned to tie the laces on her sneaker. She definitely takes longer to do this than it takes you. You’re in a rush to get her out the door, though, so you continue to tie her shoelaces in the morning just to save those precious moments. By taking over this task that she now is able to complete on her own, you’re reducing her sense of autonomy, even though you’re doing so for a perfectly legitimate reason. Eventually, with enough practice when you’re not rushed, she will become an accomplished shoelace-tier, and this will no longer be an issue.

Now that you’ve imagined this scenario, consider what happens with parents who are high in narcissism. They need their children to stay dependent on them long past when the childhood days are over, so that they can continue to feel important in their lives. New research by University of Southern Mississippi’s Nathan Winner and Bonnie Nicholson (2018) explored the role of overparenting, popularly known as “helicopter parenting,” and its influences on young adults. This popular term is a bit misleading, because it assumes that all parents of current young adults constantly hover over their children in order to see what they’re up to. Apart from the overgeneralization factor, it's not the hovering that's the issue. Instead, overparenting involves the continued treatment of children as children, and therefore seems more accurately represented as infantilization.

According to Winner and Nicholson, overparenting involves both “over-involvement and intrusiveness,” paired with “warmth and responsiveness.” Parents who overparent, the authors argue, can “impede on appropriate development of young adult independence”. Unfortunately, the use of the term helicopter parent has caught on to the point where all parents of millennials (those born in the late 20th century particularly) are regarded as having these qualities and, in turn, of having created an entire generation of selfie-taking and self-obsessed narcissists. We know that this is not true.

Some millennials are narcissists, but so are individuals from each generation. Instead of lamenting the ubiquity of overparenting by an entire generation of narcissistic parents, it is more accurate to regard the narcissistic parenting style as a function of a trait that varies across individuals. Furthermore, its damaging effects may be best thought of as restriction of a child’s autonomy by needing to maintain parental dependence, which in turn leads the individual to be less able to live an adult life. Indeed, the research conducted by Winner and Nicholson is based on the characterization of overparenting as “oversolicitous parenting observed in parents of younger children, where parents display high levels of warmth and involvement in situations where children do not need assistance or reassurance.” Its most damaging effects, they go on to argue, are most “troubling for the psychological development of young adult children”.

The Southern Mississippi researchers believe that it’s the excessive control involved in overparenting that is at the heart of the difficulties that children of narcissistic parents can experience. Winner and Nicholson define “parental psychological control” (PPC) as emotional intrusion, not just the attempts to limit the child from becoming a grown-up. Using a sample of 380 young adult college students (79 percent female), the authors measured overparenting by asking participants to report on how they perceived the parenting they were receiving, as well as their own levels of narcissism. Unfortunately, because it was the children responding and not the parents, it wasn’t possible to determine the levels of narcissism of their parents.

The undergraduates in the study reported perceived parental over-intrusiveness with the Helicopter Parenting Scale (e.g., “My parent solves any problem or crisis I might have”) and the Psychological Control Scale (e.g., “My parent is a person who brings up my past mistakes when he/she criticizes me”). Students reported on their own levels of narcissism with a standard personality inventory that assessed the two facets of grandiose and vulnerable narcissism. All of the analyses were correlational, a fact that should be taken into account when interpreting the results, along with the fact that no parents were actually assessed.

Moving on to the findings, those correlations were fed through a statistical model that allowed Winner and Nicholson to arrive at some insights into the possible direction of relationships between parental behavior and child narcissism. In this model, PPC scores indeed proved to affect the relationship between overparenting and child narcissism, and slightly more so for the vulnerable rather than the grandiose narcissism scores. In other words, children whose narcissism reflects an attempt to deal with feelings of weakness and inferiority were more likely to be exposed to overly intrusive parents who tried to control them. Even so, the statistical results led the authors to maintain that they found general support for the overparenting-PPC-narcissism relationship rather than just for the impact of parenting style on vulnerable narcissism.

As the authors conclude, “The potential for parents to go too far in their desire to remain prominent and involved within their children’s lives appears to be linked to the development of narcissistic traits”. Again, we do not know what their parents were actually like, but the existence of this relationship suggests how narcissism can be passed on from generation to generation. Parents who dig around in the emotional lives of their children will produce children who may, in turn, feel that this is the best way to raise a child. The Winner and Nicholson study sheds light on one step in the process: the recollection by children of how their parents treat them.

It's also important to note that, as the authors suggest, those over-controlling parents actually use a great deal of warmth and affection as they pamper their children and give them everything, or more than everything, they need. In the process, their children feel they will be loved if they accede to their parent's wishes, further eroding their sense of autonomy.

To sum up, having narcissistic parents doesn’t doom people to becoming narcissists themselves. Being treated as a child doesn’t mean you have to be one forever once you recognize your own potential to be a grown-up.

Surprising Reasons Why Narcissists Like Conspiracy Theories

The belief in conspiracy theories may be related to personality traits.

Conspiracy theories are explanations that attribute the true cause of a major event to secret and malevolent plots by powerful agents or groups.

Research shows that compared to the average person, narcissists are more likely to find conspiracy theories appealing.

Paranoia, gullibility, need for dominance and uniqueness, and collective narcissism may explain why narcissists are drawn to conspiracy theories.

What are conspiracy theories?

A conspiracy is a secret plan to do something bad or harmful. The objective of conspiracies is usually to “usurp political or economic power, violate rights, infringe upon established agreements, withhold vital secrets, or alter bedrock institutions.”

What are conspiracy theories? Conspiracy theories are alternative explanations that attribute the true cause of a major sociopolitical event to secret and malevolent plots orchestrated by supposedly powerful agents or groups (e.g., the Jews, government, corporations, wealthy elites). There are conspiracy theories about many things: vaccinations, moon landings, climate change, the 9/11 attacks, JFK’s assassination, etc. Note that conspiracy theories are not always wrong (e.g., the Watergate scandal). In fact, belief in conspiracy theories can even be adaptive. But frequently enough, conspiracy theories are wrong. Indeed, major conspiracies often fail or are exposed sooner or later.

What does narcissism mean?

Narcissism refers to grandiose self-regard. Narcissism is associated with feelings of superiority and hubris, jealous tendencies, a sense of entitlement, manipulativeness, self-promotional behavior, and aggression toward rivals. Though many people believe in conspiracies, research suggests narcissists are particularly prone to believing in them, just as they are prone to believing in other odd or irrational phenomena. Cichocka et al. note, “Overall, meta-analytic effects ranging from r = 0.22 to r = 0.26 suggest that narcissism is one of the best psychological predictors of conspiracy beliefs.” The three facets underlying narcissism are, via different processes, associated with conspiracy beliefs. These three facets of narcissism are (see Figure 1):

Agentic extraversion: Related to being assertive, self-confident, charming, and reward-seeking. This is how narcissists try to gain the admiration of others.

Antagonism: Associated with being arrogant, callous, dishonest, distrustful, exploitative, and entitled. This is how narcissists defend themselves against threats and compete with rivals.

Neuroticism: Linked with the experience of shame, low self-esteem, negative emotions, and relationship difficulties.

The link between narcissism and conspiracy beliefs

Paranoia, the need for dominance, the desire for uniqueness, and gullibility Compared to the average person, narcissists—and people with other dark personality traits, such as psychopathy and Machiavellianism—tend to have higher levels of paranoia. Narcissists often assume others are “out to get them.” Perhaps it is these paranoid perceptions of threats to the self that give rise to beliefs about conspiracies and threats to society.

The need for control and dominance, combined with the anticipation of defeat, is also associated with the belief in conspiracies. After all, for people who have a strong need for control and domination, blaming and scapegoating others is easier than accepting defeat.

The need for uniqueness, typically associated with the agentic extraversion aspect of grandiose narcissism, may also increase the likelihood of belief in conspiracies. Why? Because being able to see through the “smoke screens that hide the incredible truth” could give narcissists a “sense of being special, of being one of the few people who see the truth.”

Another factor is gullibility: Despite their overconfidence, narcissists can be quite naïve and gullible. This may be partly due to their tendency to go with their gut feelings than to deliberate.

Over-reliance on gut feelings and intuition might also explain why narcissists tend to hold odd and unusual beliefs, such as belief in astrology or conspiracy theories.

Collective narcissism

Some research suggests conspiracy theories appeal to those scoring higher in collective narcissism—the tendency to have unrealistically positive assumptions about one’s group. The link between collective narcissism and conspiracy theories can be explained, according to the authors, “by the exaggerated intergroup threat sensitivity of collective narcissists, analogous to the paranoia and threat sensitivity of individual narcissists.” In addition, people who assume their group (e.g., country) is entitled to special treatment, may feel it necessary to deny national shortcomings and blame any failings on external agents (e.g., other countries) conspiring against them. Furthermore, the “motivation to restore personal control strengthens the association between collective narcissism and outgroup conspiracy beliefs, echoing the role of control and dominance motives in individual narcissism.”

Narcissistic leaders

Moreover, political leaders who are narcissistic are more willing to promote conspiracy theories, especially when they feel power slipping from their grasp. Naturally, it is of greater consequence when powerful leaders blame a cabal of plotters for their own failures or misfortunes. Why? Because by promoting conspiracy theories, narcissistic leaders can cause significant societal harm—be it discouraging political engagement, encouraging unhealthy beliefs and behaviors (e.g., the anti-vaccination movement), discrimination, or acts of violence.

Takeaway

As we have seen, narcissists are drawn to conspiracy theories for reasons potentially related to:

Paranoia

Gullibility

Need to dominate and be in control

The desire to draw attention to themselves

The tendency to blame others for their own failures or misfortunes

The desire to manipulate others

And we have seen that these beliefs may encourage negative behaviors, including violence. So, what is the alternative? Believing everything one is told? No, there is a middle ground. We need to aim for healthy skepticism—looking at conspiracy theories and the official accounts of major events with the same critical eye. This is not what conspiracy believers do because, as research shows, they “have less developed critical thinking ability.”

What is narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)?

The word narcissism gets tossed around a lot in our selfie-obsessed, celebrity-driven culture, often to describe someone who seems excessively vain or full of themselves. But in psychological terms, narcissism doesn’t mean self-love—at least not of a genuine sort. It’s more accurate to say that people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are in love with an idealized, grandiose image of themselves. And they’re in love with this inflated self-image precisely because it allows them to avoid deep feelings of insecurity. But propping up their delusions of grandeur takes a lot of work—and that’s where the dysfunctional attitudes and behaviors come in.

Narcissistic personality disorder involves a pattern of self-centered, arrogant thinking and behavior, a lack of empathy and consideration for other people, and an excessive need for admiration. Others often describe people with NPD as cocky, manipulative, selfish, patronizing, and demanding. This way of thinking and behaving surfaces in every area of the narcissist’s life: from work and friendships to family and love relationships.

People with narcissistic personality disorder are extremely resistant to changing their behavior, even when it’s causing them problems. Their tendency is to turn the blame on to others. What’s more, they are extremely sensitive and react badly to even the slightest criticisms, disagreements, or perceived slights, which they view as personal attacks. For the people in the narcissist’s life, it’s often easier just to go along with their demands to avoid the coldness and rages. However, by understanding more about narcissistic personality disorder, you can spot the narcissists in your life, protect yourself from their power plays, and establish healthier boundaries.

Signs and symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder

Grandiose sense of self-importance. Grandiosity is the defining characteristic of narcissism. More than just arrogance or vanity, grandiosity is an unrealistic sense of superiority. Narcissists believe they are unique or “special” and can only be understood by other special people. What’s more, they are too good for anything average or ordinary. They only want to associate and be associated with other high-status people, places, and things. Narcissists also believe that they’re better than everyone else and expect recognition as such—even when they’ve done nothing to earn it. They will often exaggerate or outright lie about their achievements and talents. And when they talk about work or relationships, all you’ll hear is how much they contribute, how great they are, and how lucky the people in their lives are to have them. They are the undisputed star and everyone else is at best a bit player.

Lives in a fantasy world that supports their delusions of grandeur Since reality doesn’t support their grandiose view of themselves, narcissists live in a fantasy world propped up by distortion, self-deception, and magical thinking. They spin self-glorifying fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, attractiveness, and ideal love that make them feel special and in control. These fantasies protect them from feelings of inner emptiness and shame, so facts and opinions that contradict them are ignored or rationalized away. Anything that threatens to burst the fantasy bubble is met with extreme defensiveness and even rage, so those around the narcissist learn to tread carefully around their denial of reality.

Needs constant praise and admiration A narcissist’s sense of superiority is like a balloon that gradually loses air without a steady stream of applause and recognition to keep it inflated. The occasional compliment is not enough. Narcissists need constant food for their ego, so they surround themselves with people who are willing to cater to their obsessive craving for affirmation. These relationships are very one-sided. It’s all about what the admirer can do for the narcissist, never the other way around. And if there is ever an interruption or diminishment in the admirer’s attention and praise, the narcissist treats it as a betrayal.

Sense of entitlement Because they consider themselves special, narcissists expect favorable treatment as their due. They truly believe that whatever they want, they should get. They also expect the people around them to automatically comply with their every wish and whim. That is their only value. If you don’t anticipate and meet their every need, then you’re useless. And if you have the nerve to defy their will or “selfishly” ask for something in return, prepare yourself for aggression, outrage, or the cold shoulder.

Exploits others without guilt or shame Narcissists never develop the ability to identify with the feelings of others—to put themselves in other people’s shoes. In other words, they lack empathy. In many ways, they view the people in their lives as objects—there to serve their needs. As a consequence, they don’t think twice about taking advantage of others to achieve their own ends. Sometimes this interpersonal exploitation is malicious, but often it is simply oblivious. Narcissists simply don’t think about how their behavior affects others. And if you point it out, they still won’t truly get it. The only thing they understand is their own needs.

Frequently demeans, intimidates, bullies, or belittles others Narcissists feel threatened whenever they encounter someone who appears to have something they lack—especially those who are confident and popular. They’re also threatened by people who don’t kowtow to them or who challenge them in any way. Their defense mechanism is contempt. The only way to neutralize the threat and prop up their own sagging ego is to put those people down. They may do it in a patronizing or dismissive way as if to demonstrate how little the other person means to them. Or they may go on the attack with insults, name-calling, bullying, and threats to force the other person back into line.

Dealing with a narcissist: Don’t fall for the fantasy

Narcissists can be very magnetic and charming. They are very good at creating a fantastical, flattering self-image that draw us in. We’re attracted to their apparent confidence and lofty dreams—and the shakier our own self-esteem, the more seductive the allure. It’s easy to get caught up in their web, thinking that they will fulfill our longing to feel more important, more alive. But it’s just a fantasy, and a costly one at that.

Your needs won’t be fulfilled (or even recognized). It’s important to remember that narcissists aren’t looking for partners; they’re looking for obedient admirers. Your sole value to the narcissist is as someone who can tell them how great they are to prop up their insatiable ego. Your desires and feelings don’t count.

Look at the way the narcissist treats others. If the narcissist lies, manipulates, hurts, and disrespects others, he or she will eventually treat you the same way. Don’t fall for the fantasy that you’re different and will be spared.

Take off the rose-colored glasses. It’s important to see the narcissist in your life for who they really are, not who you want them to be. Stop making excuses for bad behavior or minimizing the hurt it’s causing you. Denial will not make it go away. The reality is that narcissists are very resistant to change, so the true question you must ask yourself is whether you can live like this indefinitely.

Focus on your own dreams. Instead of losing yourself in the narcissist’s delusions, focus on the things you want for yourself. What do you want to change in your life? What gifts would you like to develop? What fantasies do you need to give up in order to create a more fulfilling reality?

Set healthy boundaries Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect and caring. But narcissists aren’t capable of true reciprocity in their relationships. It isn’t just that they’re not willing; they truly aren’t able. They don’t see you. They don’t hear you. They don’t recognize you as someone who exists outside of their own needs. Because of this, narcissists regularly violate the boundaries of others. What’s more, they do so with an absolute sense of entitlement.

Narcissists think nothing of going through or borrowing your possessions without asking, snooping through your mail and personal correspondence, eavesdropping on conversations, barging in without an invitation, stealing your ideas, and giving you unwanted opinions and advice. They may even tell you what to think and feel. It’s important to recognize these violations for what they are, so you can begin to create healthier boundaries where your needs are respected.

Make a plan. If you have a long-standing pattern of letting others violate your boundaries, it’s not easy to take back control. Set yourself up for success by carefully considering your goals and the potential obstacles. What are the most important changes you hope to achieve? Is there anything you’ve tried in the past with the narcissist that worked? Anything that hasn’t? What is the balance of power between you and how will that impact your plan? How will you enforce your new boundaries? Answering these questions will help you evaluate your options and develop a realistic plan.

Consider a gentle approach. If preserving your relationship with the narcissist is important to you, you will have to tread softly. By pointing out their hurtful or dysfunctional behavior, you are damaging their self-image of perfection. Try to deliver your message calmly, respectfully, and as gently as possible. Focus on how their behavior makes you feel, rather than on their motivations and intentions. If they respond with anger and defensiveness, try to remain calm. Walk away if need be and revisit the conversation later.

Don’t set a boundary unless you’re willing to keep it. You can count on the narcissist to rebel against new boundaries and test your limits, so be prepared. Follow up with any consequences specified. If you back down, you’re sending the message that you don’t need to be taken seriously.

Be prepared for other changes in the relationship. The narcissist will feel threatened and upset by your attempts to take control of your life. They are used to calling the shots. To compensate, they may step up their demands in other aspects of the relationship, distance themselves to punish you, or attempt to manipulate or charm you into giving up the new boundaries. It’s up to you to stand firm.

Don’t take things personally

To protect themselves from feelings of inferiority and shame, narcissists must always deny their shortcomings, cruelties, and mistakes. Often, they will do so by projecting their own faults on to others. It’s very upsetting to get blamed for something that’s not your fault or be characterized with negative traits you don’t possess. But as difficult as it may be, try not to take it personally. It really isn’t about you.

Don’t buy into the narcissist’s version of who you are. Narcissists don’t live in reality, and that includes their views of other people. Don’t let their shame and blame game undermine your self-esteem. Refuse to accept undeserved responsibility, blame, or criticism. That negativity is the narcissist’s to keep.

Don’t argue with a narcissist. When attacked, the natural instinct is to defend yourself and prove the narcissist wrong. But no matter how rational you are or how sound your argument, they are unlikely to hear you. And arguing the point may escalate the situation in a very unpleasant way. Don’t waste your breath. Simply tell the narcissist you disagree with their assessment, then move on.

Know yourself. The best defense against the insults and projections of the narcissist is a strong sense of self. When you know your own strengths and weaknesses, it’s easier to reject any unfair criticisms leveled against you.

Let go of the need for approval. It’s important to detach from the narcissist’s opinion and any desire to please or appease them at the expense of yourself. You need to be okay with knowing the truth about yourself, even if the narcissist sees the situation differently.

Look for support and purpose elsewhere

If you’re going to stay in a relationship with a narcissist, be honest with yourself about what you can—and can’t—expect. A narcissist isn’t going to change into someone who truly values you, so you’ll need to look elsewhere for emotional support and personal fulfillment.

Learn what healthy relationships look and feel like. If you come from a narcissistic family, you may not have a very good sense of what a healthy give-and-take relationship is. The narcissistic pattern of dysfunction may feel comfortable to you. Just remind yourself that as familiar as it feels, it also makes you feel bad. In a reciprocal relationship, you will feel respected, listened to, and free to be yourself.

Spend time with people who give you an honest reflection of who you are. In order to maintain perspective and avoid buying into the narcissist’s distortions, it’s important to spend time with people who know you as you really are and validate your thoughts and feelings.

Make new friendships, if necessary, outside the narcissist’s orbit. Some narcissists isolate the people in their lives in order to better control them. If this is your situation, you’ll need to invest time into rebuilding lapsed friendships or cultivating new relationships.

Look for meaning and purpose in work, volunteering, and hobbies. Instead of looking to the narcissist to make you feel good about yourself, pursue meaningful activities that make use of your talents and allow you to contribute.

How to leave a narcissist

Ending an abusive relationship is never easy. Ending one with a narcissist can be especially difficult as they can be so charming and charismatic—at least at the start of the relationship or if you threaten to leave. It’s easy to become disoriented by the narcissist’s manipulative behavior, caught up in the need to seek their approval, or even to feel “gaslighted” and doubt your own judgement. If you’re codependent, your desire to be loyal may trump even your need to preserve your safety and sense of self. But it’s important to remember that no one deserves to be bullied, threatened, or verbally and emotionally abused in a relationship. There are ways to escape the narcissist—and the guilt and self-blame—and begin the process of healing.

Educate yourself about narcissistic personality disorder. The more you understand, the better you’ll be able to recognize the techniques a narcissist may use to keep you in the relationship. When you threaten to leave, a narcissist will often resurrect the flattery and adoration (“love bombing”) that caused you to be interested in them in the first place. Or they’ll make grand promises about changing their behavior that they have no intention of keeping.

Write down the reasons why you’re leaving. Being clear on why you need to end the relationship can help prevent you from being sucked back in. Keep your list somewhere handy, such as on your phone, and refer to it when you’re starting to have self-doubts or the narcissist is laying on the charm or making outlandish promises.

Seek support. During your time together, the narcissist may have damaged your relationships with friends and family or limited your social life. But whatever your circumstances, you’re not alone. Even if you can’t reach out to old friends, you can find help from support groups or domestic violence helplines and shelters.

Don’t make empty threats. It’s a better tactic to accept that the narcissist won’t change and when you’re ready, simply leave. Making threats or pronouncements will only forewarn the narcissist and enable them to make it more difficult for you to get away.

Seek immediate help if you’re physically threatened or abused.Call 911 in the U.S, 999 in any EU Country, or your country’s local emergency service.

After you’ve left

Leaving a narcissist can be a huge blow to their sense of entitlement and self-importance. Their huge ego still needs to be fed, so they’ll often continue trying to exert control over you. If charm and “love bombing” doesn’t work, they may resort to threats, denigrating you to mutual friends and acquaintances, or stalking you, on social media or in person.

Cut off all contact with the narcissist. The more contact you have with them, the more hope you’ll give them that they can reel you back in. It’s safer to block their calls, texts, and emails, and disconnect from them on social media. If you have children together, have others with you for any scheduled custody handovers.

Allow yourself to grieve. Breakups can be extremely painful, whatever the circumstances. Even ending a toxic relationship can leave you feeling sad, angry, confused, and grieving the loss of shared dreams and commitments. Healing can take time, so go easy on yourself and turn to family and friends for support.

Don’t expect the narcissist to share your grief. Once the message sinks in that you will no longer be feeding their ego, the narcissist will likely soon move on to exploit someone else. They won’t feel loss or guilt, just that never-ending need for praise and admiration. This is no reflection on you, but rather an illustration of how very one-sided their relationships always are.

Common Behaviors and Values of Narcissistic People

Key points

People with narcissistic personalities may behave differently than non-narcissists, such as shunning introspection and denying mistakes.

Narcissists may also have different values than non-narcissists, such as status and image as opposed to compassion and authenticity.

Identifying the destructive behaviors that characterize narcissism can help people recognize and cope with narcissistic people.

If you have a person with high levels of narcissism in your life, it is more likely that you will become exhausted, overwhelmed, or confused than it is that the narcissist will change.

People with a narcissistic style or diagnosable narcissistic personality disorder stubbornly cling to their psychological defenses and rarely cease promoting their own image. Over time, you may become inured to how extreme and costly their actions are.

Characteristics of Narcissists:

Shun introspection

Lack empathy

Become hypersensitive to slights

Act impulsively

Spoil others’ good moods

Deny or hide mistakes

Are driven by fear

Blame others

Stonewall or withdraw when upset

Get enraged when criticized

Pursue win-lose strategies

Hold grudges

Have one-way relationships

Characteristics of Non-Narcissists:

Value introspection

Care about the feelings of others

Don’t personalize others’ actions

Seek spontaneity

Celebrate others’ good moods

Seek to learn from mistakes

Cultivate hope

Take responsibility

Communicate when upset

Accept constructive criticism

Seek win-win solutions

Seek resolution

Have reciprocal relationships

Narcissistic behaviors such as those listed above are generally designed to disguise insecurities. Some behaviors, like avoiding introspection, denying mistakes, stonewalling, or blaming others, seek to shine the spotlight away from a narcissist's perceived flaws.

Others, such as spoiling others' good moods, holding grudges, and being hypersensitive to slights and criticism, are designed to put others on the defensive in hopes that others will be less likely to challenge a narcissist's fragile ego and shaky self-image.

Still others, such as having one-way relationships or lacking empathy, reflect the difficulties narcissists have in engaging in anything other than superficial or transactional relationships.

Differences in Values

The contrast between people with narcissism and healthier individuals is also striking in what they value.

Values of People with Narcissism:

Perfection

Get attention from others

Superiority

Winning

Status

Image

Values of Non-Narcissists:

Growth

Connect with others

Equality

Fairness

Compassion

Authenticity

Narcissists hold values such as perfection, winning, superiority, and status in the hope that doing so will bring them greater attention and approval. Their values, like their behaviors, tend to be self-aggrandizing, as opposed to more inclusive values such as connection, compassion, and authenticity held by non-narcissists.

Recognizing how different the behaviors and values of narcissistic people are can give rise to four valuable questions:

Do you allow people with narcissism to treat you differently than you let others treat you?

If so, why?

What is the cost?

Is it worth it?

The answers to these questions can lead you to set healthier boundaries with people who are narcissistic.

As with most personality disorders, narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by distorted views of one's self, others, and the world. By seeing such distortions, and then identifying and staying true to your values, you can hold your own in the face of narcissistic people and behavior.