The Narcissists Addiction to Grandiosity

Grandiosity is usually the most outstanding and discriminating feature of individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Grandiosity can be expressed in an unrealistic overvaluation of talents and abilities; preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited beauty, power, wealth or success; and a belief in unrealistic superiority and uniqueness. This is usually accompanied by boastful, pretentious, self-centered and self-referential behaviour. According to Gunderson and Ronningstam, from “The Diagnostic Interview for Narcissistic Patients” (Archives of General Psychiatry,1990), the research shows that the grandiose narcissist exaggerates his talents, capacity, and achievements in an unrealistic way. He believes in his invulnerability, or does not recognize his limitations. His grandiose fantasies lead him to believe that he does not need other people.

In his interpersonal relations, the narcissist craves for admiration and attention. When he picks someone as the source of his attention, at first he unrealistically idealizes them (they are “all good”), but very soon he usually ends up devaluing them (they become “all bad”), then, before long, they go on to have feelings of contempt for that person. He behaves as if he is entitled to things, and has unreasonable expectations of getting special treatment, and if for any reason his demands are not meet, then he becomes hurt and enraged. He appears or behaves in an arrogant, haughty, or condescending way towards people, and if he gets the opportunity to exploit them then he will, usually in a passive, indirect, or manipulative way without any intention of reciprocating in any way. He completely lacks empathy (is unable to both understand and feel for other people’s experience). His inability to maintain satisfactory, mutual and enduring committed relationships is the most important feature of the narcissistic individual. They often see others either as a means of ego inflation and support for their self-esteem, or as stepping stones to achieving their own goals. When the narcissist is being reactive, he is hypersensitive. He responds with intense anger to any criticism or defeat. He is very envious of anybody’s successes, no matter how small the success is, and he thinks everybody is envious of him.

The Affects and Mood States of the narcissist show that he has sustained feelings of boredom, meaninglessness, futility, and hollowness. He often feels emotionally impoverished: Yearns for deeper emotional experiences. The Social and Moral Adaptation of the grandiose narcissist shows he has superficial and changing values and interests, and that he shows disregard for unusual/conventional values or rules of society, and as a result he has corruptible moral and ethical standards. He has broken laws under circumstances of being enraged, or as a means of avoiding defeat. He often exhibits sexual behaviour that includes perversion, promiscuity, and/or lack of inhibitions.

So as you can see from the above research, grandiosity occurs when a person has an inflated self-esteem, believe that they have special powers, spiritual connections, or religious relationships. A grandiose individual feels unrealistically powerful, important, and invincible. These beliefs are frequently accompanied by feelings of euphoria and intense pleasure. Nothing seems impossible, every problem has a solution, and the person may feel an urgent need to initiate projects or activities. To the observer, the grandiose individual appears to be pompous, boastful, exaggerated, impulsive, conceited, condescending, and unrealistic. The fallout of grandiose behavior, especially when compounded by a Narcissistic Personality Disorders, can be devastating. The high risk behavior, the inflated self-esteem, and delusions often lead to job loss, expulsion from school, and endless terminated relationships.

The narcissist differs from a normal person in that he lives out of a False Self that is so unrealistic, and a Superego that is so sadistic, that he can never reach his highly unrealistic vision of his own abilities. As a result there is a disparity between his accomplishments and his grandiose fantasies and inflated self-image. This is referred to as The Grandiosity Gap (Vaknin). So staggering is this gap, that in the long run, it is insupportable as it imposes excessive difficulties on the narcissist’s grasp of reality and social skills. His surreal distortions push him either to retreat from the world or to go into a furor of acquiring possessions – cars, sex, property, wealth, and power. Regardless of how successful the narcissist becomes, often (in their mind) they end up being abject failures – because the Grandiosity Gap can never be bridged. The narcissist is always a slave to his own fantasy. And depending on the circumstances of the individual, their grandiose fantasies are likely to cause them to either, suffer from inertia (with a dread to move), or acceleration, (moving with great speed). Some narcissists are forever accelerating on the way to dizzier height and on to greener pastures. While others succumb to a state of inertia, where their action seems to freeze, then, spending only the minimal of energy they target the vulnerable as a way of existing. But either way, the narcissist’s life is out of control, at the mercy of heartless inner voices and internal forces. Underneath all this, there is a Generalised Anxiety eating away at them.

The Narcissistic Eye of Illusion

The narcissist believes his own illusions, and is blind to the fact that others can see through them. For those people who are outside the circle of Narcissistic Supply, they can see the games that are being played, having lost respect for him, they wisely give the narcissist a wide berth. Impervious in his armor of grandiosity, the narcissist blindly lives in his ivory tower, where he believes that he is hugely impressive to everybody. He displays his grandiosity daily in his exaggerated delusional fantasies of wealth, power, or omnipotence. He is such a megalomaniac, that whatever he talks about, (whether it be work, family, possessions, health, achievements, etc.) he is always the one who is being celebrated, for he is the shining star within all of his stories. Any success another person has in his story is attributed to him; he is the one who takes the responsibility for his family, his home, his company, because everybody else is undependable, uncooperative, or incompetent. Even though he manipulates many people to do things for him, he constantly complains that nobody ever helps him. Having got help from others, he then goes on to denigrate their abilities and contributions. All this is done to inspire more sympathy or admiration for himself, which he craves. If you ever got a chance to visit him in his Kingdom, you would find that everybody around him are not only pulling their weight, but carrying the narcissists share as well. Once you understand the personality you are dealing with, it is easy to see that the narcissist’s addiction to grandiosity is linked with his strong susceptibility to shame. The shame is in relation to failed aspirations and ideals, plaguing and unsatisfactory early object relationships, and narcissistic manifestations with shame at their core. Their inability to process their shame in a healthy way means that they are unable to face up to it, and neutralize it so that they can move on to become a healthier individual. It is this inability that leads to the characteristic postures, attitudes, and behaviour of the Grandiose Narcissist.

What is the intelligence at work in the grandiose behaviour you might ask? The intelligence behind the grandiose behaviour for the narcissist is that it masks profound self-esteem problems, and helps to stave off the hurt and shameful feeling that plagues him so profoundly. It also supports him in building and maintaining his image of being powerful, talented, and desirable, because he genuinely fears that he is worthless. Any slight or rejection, even unintentional, unsettles his self-image, throwing him into a fit of anger and depression. For him, any failure or loss of any kind calls into question his specialness. Predictability, he has trouble in his working and personal relationships because he perceives that others fail to appreciate him sufficiently, and when this happens he tends to react in an arrogant and manipulative fashion, which further damage the relationship. Part of the grandiose behaviour comes across in a seductive manner, and this puts him at the center of the other person’s attention. He speaks of casual acquaintances as close friends, and of friends as if they are intimate partners, and if he should feel slighted or rejected in any way with these people, then he throws temper tantrums or makes threats of retribution (which he will carry out). Because he is anti-social, he does not care about others, except to the extent that he can exploit people to his own ends. His grandiosity makes him believe that he is beyond the law. For him, rules are made to be broken, and he breaks them whenever he thinks he can get away with it. The grandiosity grows as he grows in power, then the narcissist loses touch with reality, and it reflects his pervasive and lifelong failure to empathize with others, and to cope with underlying feelings of inadequacy.

The Narcissist’s Shame

The Narcissist’s Shame As a “Premier Social Emotion”

The narcissist’s excessive self-worth does a great job of chasing off their inferiority complex and replacing it with an outer veneer of superiority through their False Self. This goes a long way to disguising their inner sense of vulnerability that is far too shameful to be seen by others.

This, to a large extent, creates the narcissist’s typical arrogance that is all too apparent. Narcissists are plagued with feelings of envy that are born out of their deep, emotional insecurities and poor sense of self-worth. It is important to know that their shame and envy are inextricably intertwined.

Unable to form their own ideas and ideals for themselves, the narcissist latches onto others out of envy, especially those who they respect as being superior so that they can get that same sense of self from them. Unfortunately, those who are superior to the narcissist will eventually unintentionally trigger the narcissist’s feelings of lacking, causing them to feel shame. They just cannot abide or tolerate feeling less than anybody else, so when someone possesses something that they do not have, it provokes feelings of inadequacy and triggers their shame and resentful longing.

It is the narcissist’s envy that causes their constant denigration of others. This may indeed quieten their shame for a while, but it does not conquer it. The narcissist’s unacknowledged shame often leads to their displays of shamelessness, lack of compassion, rage, and entitled grandiosity.

Always the narcissist’s shame is linked to the trauma they have experienced as children. To understand it more fully, we need to go back to the narcissist’s childhood and understand how their environment (i.e. family, school, etc.) operated through a fog of criticism and punishment that was so severe that it left the child feeling totally worthless and powerless.

Raised in an environment where the child is not allowed to get things wrong, and where any failure subjects them to constant humiliation is nothing short of soul destroying. Research has been able to determine that humiliation is a more intensely felt emotion than either happiness or anger, and that it produces feelings in the child that they are “sadly lacking”, and therefore, “not good enough”.

Their internalised sense of shame affects the child’s sense of being in such a way that leads them to believe that “I am bad”, rather than learning “I did something bad” (guilt). There is a place for guilt, because healthy guilt is about having moral feelings or a conscience that leads to our sense of social justice. Dr. Rick Hanson (2014) speaks of guilt as being “in the wince of healthy remorse.” He says: –

“Healthy remorse is distinct from unhealthy, pathological shame, which includes feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, second tier standing, and damaged goods — I can speak from personal experience here. As my dad, who grew up on a ranch would put it: feeling like the runt of the litter – and that’s not good for us.”

To avoid these shameful feelings and escape from the grip of shame, the child looks to get some control over their lives in other ways. For example, the child may glean control through perfectionism, grandiosity, power, attention, etc., all of which leads to the manifestation of the narcissist’s “God complex”, where they feel superior to everybody else.

In such an environment where the child is governed by a shame-based caretaker, a bed of shame will be created for the child that is so damaging that it affects their self-esteem and fragile sense of self. Later, as adults, whenever shame is experienced at any given moment, it calls the narcissist’s positive social image into question, posing a serious threat to their social bonding.

This is guaranteed to trigger old feelings of abuse that will lead to a loss of esteem, status, acceptance, rejection, and social isolation; all of which are a threat to the narcissist’s social self. When this happens, it is likely to deregulate the narcissist emotionally. This will cause them to discharge their defence responses in a very aggressive shame-rage or humiliated fury at the offender without mercy.

Furthermore, all this turmoil related to shame, and their constant need for soothing, links the pathological narcissist to a wide range of addictions and compulsions as a defence against shame (i.e. substances, food, sex, gambling, adrenaline, rage, narcissistic supply, attention, power, control, addiction to self, etc.).

The Pathological Narcissist as a Spouse

When in a romantic relationship, or a marriage, there will always be a struggle for power between the narcissistic partner (perpetrator) and their co-narcissistic partner (victim). Regardless of whether they are male or female, this is always the case.

Always, the Lion’s share of the power will remain with the narcissist. This can be witnessed in many ways. For example, because the narcissist can never be wrong, and will never take responsibility or be held accountable for anything that goes wrong, inevitably the co-narcissist (victim) will always get the blame.

Because the narcissist sees themselves as superior to everybody, they deem their co-narcissistic partner to be inferior and therefore not worthy of an opinion or getting their needs met.

With getting little or no empathy, and with the constant put-downs, the co-narcissist partner will eventually feel pathetic, and internalise that they are “not good enough” and surrender themselves to relinquishing most of the power. From the moment, the narcissist (perpetrator) sets eyes on the co-narcissist (victim), they consider them to be objects that are all theirs alone. They immediately begin the convoluted dance, and the love-bombing manipulation gets underway.

It is as if the co-narcissist is possessed, and the boundaries of where one begins and ends just melts away with the intensity of the “idealisation stage”, and with it too, their personal identity.

This idealisation stage is an exciting time for both partners of the dance, both enraptured with each other. However, one of the couples knows exactly what is happening, while the other is totally oblivious to the dangerous predicament they are in.

Like the fly that enters the spider’s web, the narcissist slowly wraps their soft silk around the co-narcissist, entangling them, and binding them into a cocoon that holds them tight until they are ready to consume their precious commodity. From the beginning, the narcissist takes the power. Whatever the co-narcissist owns is destined to become theirs; their time, their friends, their knowledge, their possessions, their finances, etc.

The narcissist’s sense of entitlement knows no bounds, and soon their prey will be stripped of everything they own, including their dignity, self-esteem, liberty, and finally, their identity.

The victim is reduced to be an object whose main task is to feed the narcissist’s insatiable ego, failure to achieve this end goal will cause a narcissist wound, and the narcissist will feel like the victim. When this happens, they will then feel entitled to hurt the person who caused this wound.

When the cracks begin to show in the relationship, the narcissistic spouse shows no accountability or responsibility; therefore, it will be the co-narcissist (Victim) that will get the blame for everything. Nothing is ever the narcissist’s fault, and you must never challenge them, or you will pay a high price. What is yours is theirs, but what is theirs is their own; finance, property, personal possessions, etc.

The spotlight is always theirs, so tread lightly, because even if you accidentally upstage them, you will provoke their rage. The co-narcissist is expected to give and fawn over their narcissistic pilot (Narcissist), but they will not have that kindness reciprocated.

Unspoken Rules of Engagement in the Narcissistic Family

As in other kinds of dysfunctional families, there is abuse and corresponding denial of the abuse. There is also secrecy, neglect, unrealistic expectations, an impoverishment of empathy, disrespect for boundaries, and ongoing conflict.

Unspoken Rules in the Narcissistic Family

Narcissistic homes have unspoken rules of engagement that dictate interactions among family members:

1. Acceptance Is Conditional To gain acceptance, you must comply with the family narrative and value system. Expressions of difference are rejected and pathologized.

2. Submission Is Required Everyone is expected to submit to the dominant narcissist’s authority, no matter how ignorant, arbitrary, cruel, or destructive it is.

3. Someone Must Be Blamed for Problems When something bad happens, from a lost job to a spilled glass of milk, someone must be blamed for it. Typically there is a family scapegoat who is made to bear the main burden of the family’s problems, frustration, and unhappiness, as well as the dominant narcissist’s projected self-loathing.

4. Vulnerability Is Dangerous Mistakes, accidents, and weaknesses, even ones you take responsibility for, are cause for shaming treatment that can persist for years.

5. You Must Take Sides Just as there is always blame and shame, there are always sides, and if you are not on the dominant narcissist’s side you are wrong. Children often feel forced to choose between parents, siblings, and other family members.

6. There Is Never Enough Love and Respect to Go Around Renewable resources in healthy families, love and respect are limited to the narcissist and whomever else is deemed worthy, usually a favored “golden” child. Respect for one person means disrespect for another.

7. Feelings Are Wrong The feelings that make us human, help us connect and get our needs met, and protect us from harm are selfish and must be repressed. Only the narcissist has free rein to express feelings, have emotional reactions, and make demands.

8. Competition, Not Cooperation, Rules the Day One-upmanship, favoritism, and constant comparison create a harshly competitive environment that undermines trust and breeds hostility and betrayal.

9. Appearances Are More Important Than Substance Even if everyone is suffering, they must smile for the family photo.

10. Rage Is Normalized Everyone is expected to swallow and endure the dominant narcissist’s irrational, explosive, and perhaps also violent rage. This may be magnified by other forms of mental illness and/or addiction.

11. Denial Is Rampant To sustain the dominant narcissist’s control over the family, there is denial of

abusive incidents

the continual atmosphere of fear

the ongoing mistreatment of the scapegoat

routine forms of neglect

12. There Is No Safety Although the scapegoat is targeted with the most abuse, everyone is on hyperalert because no one is safe from blame and rage.

How and Why Narcissists Get Worse with Age

Why does it seem that narcissists get worse with age?

Aging is hard. Losing our vitality and facing our mortality can be scary and painful. But we discover upsides, like reaping the fruits of our personal and professional labors, recognizing our core values and releasing shallow pursuits, and enjoying long-term connections with family and friends. But for the narcissistic personality, gratitude is difficult and aging tends to heighten feelings of vulnerability, fear, and rage.

Bitterness

Instead of maturing, mellowing, and gaining wisdom, narcissists, unless helped with treatment (which is unusual), remain emotionally stunted children whose deficient empathy and self-centered neediness intensify with aging. They view growing old as a series of ravaging defeats that they struggle against with denial and resentment or submit to with depressed resignation.

Having relied heavily on externalities such as their looks, wealth, fame, connections, or professional achievements to fortify their fragile self-esteem, older narcissists find themselves increasingly stripped of their defenses and diminished in their ability to charm, impress, bully, manipulate, and otherwise control others. Since narcissists nearly always refuse to take responsibility for their actions or circumstances, they grow bitter and feel victimized by life, blaming others for their disappointments.

Going to Extremes

Narcissists tend to age into extreme versions of their worst selves. And when dementia comes into the picture, it often exacerbates matters. As narcissists get worse with age, they become more;

desperate

deluded

isolated

paranoid

defensive

bitter

angry

rigid

mean

abusive

Isolation

Because of narcissists’ lack of compassion and their antagonism, as they age their relationships and friendships often falter or fail, leaving them lonely and isolated:

Spouses may have left or withdrawn to avoid their criticism and combativeness.

Adult children may have pulled away or cut contact altogether because of their toxic influence.

Their grandchildren may be estranged from them because their adult children have asserted boundaries to protect their families.

Friends may have pulled away because of their unmasked arrogance, selfishness, and envy.

Neighbors and other community members may have rejected them because of their callous behavior and rude assertions of superiority and entitlement.

Extended family may have excluded them because of their divisiveness.

Bigotry

As their personal power fades and their social sphere narrows, narcissists are more likely to look for scapegoats anywhere they can. Their increasingly desperate grandiose delusions often bring out bigotry and assertions of superiority over marginalized people, including other old people. Aging narcissists often express ageism, sexism, racism, and queerphobia to bolster themselves against their feelings of lost power over others.

The Narcissist’s Caretakers: Caught Hook, Line, and Sinker

Whether partners, children, other relatives, or friends, narcissist’s caretakers are sustaining forces who enable narcissistic personalities in their delusions, manipulations, and abuse.

When the caretaker is a spouse, s/he has likely been seduced by the narcissist, swallowing hook, line, and sinker that s/he is savior and soulmate, the only person who lives up to the narcissist’s idealized image of perfection, can heal her/his wounds, and complete her/him. Even when the narcissist inevitably becomes devaluing and abusive, caretakers continue to fulfill the role at the expense of their own needs and well-being.

When the caretaker is the narcissist’s child, the hook is planted firmly in place very early in life and tends to dig in deeper as that child develops into adulthood. Children burdened with such responsibility often adopt this role as fundamental to their identity and may continue to caretake the narcissistic parent to the very end. Even when the line is cut and caretaker adult children “swim” away, the hook remains lodged forever, surrounded by scar tissue that never fully heals. Such children are prone to repeating a caretaker role in other adult relationships, including with partners, bosses, and friends, and they often struggle with low self-esteem and unhealthy boundaries.

Traits of the Narcissist’s Caretakers Here are some common traits of narcissist’s caretakers:

They are groomed to feel special through helping.

They are groomed to see themselves as heroic saviors.

They are highly empathetic.

They are out of touch with their own needs or believe they are unimportant.

They believe they don’t deserve better.

They grew up seeing narcissism as their “normal.”

They are willing to play dumb.

They are willing to sublimate their feelings.

They dislike confrontation and are willing to placate to avoid it.

They believe they deserve or “can handle” regular devaluation.

They forgive and even reassure narcissists after abuse.

They believe they are immune to the narcissist’s contempt and betrayal.

They are willing to submit to punishment for no reason.

They avoid arguments out of fear.

They feel responsible for the narcissist’s happiness.

They feel responsible for the narcissist’s basic survival.

They have low self-esteem.

They blame others for the narcissist’s problems.

The dismiss and devalue their own needs.

They believe they have the power to solve other people’s problems.

Misconceptions Caretakers Have About Narcissists

Narcissist’s caretakers commonly fall prey to some or all of the following misconceptions about the narcissists in their lives:

They really do care about me underneath it all.

If I work hard enough to prove my love and loyalty they will respond in kind.

They would fall apart without me.

They are wounded, and I can heal them.

I’m the only one who really understands them.

They will come around and learn to compromise.

They love me but just don’t know how to show it.

They need more time to learn to trust me.

Things will get better if I try harder.

They are more fragile than me and need more.

As a narcissist’s caretaker, you are not doomed to remain a slave to their demands or continue your caretaking role in life. Narcissists will always take more than their share, believing they deserve it and having no remorse about the damaging impact they have on others. They will literally drain the very life out of you—your energy, your resources, your connections with others, your self-worth, and your happiness.

As a caretaking type, you face a long road to recovery. The first step is understanding that your primary responsibility is to yourself, that your needs and well-being matter and must be your first priority, and that trying to “rescue” others deprives them of the opportunity to experience natural consequences and potentially grow.

Written by Julie L Hall

It’s You and Me Baby: Narcissistic Head Games

Narcissistic Head Games

Cognitive Dissonance Narcissists’ manufactured reality is built on lies and denial, and they expect family members to accept their version of the truth. What this means for the narcissist’s partner and children is that they find themselves in “opposite land,” where s/he tells them (usually through a range of manipulative tactics) that “reality” is different from or even the opposite of what they feel and perceive. The narcissist produces a cognitive dissonance in which the other person experiences a profoundly disorienting gap between what s/he perceives and what the narcissist says happened—black is white, good is bad, false is true. Persistent cognitive dissonance is extremely traumatic, as it leads to self-doubt and disassociation.

Divide and Conquer A primary strategy narcissists use to assert control, particularly within their family, is to create divisions among individuals. This weakens and isolates them, making it easier for narcissists to manipulate and dominate. Narcissists divide through various means. They set up an environment of competition and terror in which individuals are trying to avoid attack, often at one another’s expense. The narcissistic parent favors some children and scapegoats others, breeding mistrust and resentment between siblings or between the other parent and the children. Such dynamics can also play out in a work setting, where a boss uses the same kinds of tactics to control and manipulate employees.

Gaslighting This is a form of psychological abuse in which the narcissist systematically undermines another person’s mental state by leading them to question their perceptions of reality. The narcissist uses lies and false information to erode his/her victims’ belief in their own judgment and, ultimately, their sanity. After an abusive incident, the narcissist refuses responsibility, blames you, or outright denies that the abuse took place. S/he may say things like, “That’s not what happened,” “You’re crazy,” or “You made me do it.” The term gaslighting comes from the 1944 Hollywood film Gaslight, a classic depiction of this kind of brainwashing.

Hoovering Since narcissists are by nature pathologically self-centered and often stunningly cruel, they eventually drive many people away. If a source of supply pulls away or tries to go no contact, a narcissist may attempt to hoover (as in vacuum-suck) them back within her/his realm of control. S/he will try to hoover through a variety of means, from promising to reform her/his behavior, to acting unusually solicitous, to dangling carrots such as gifts or money. However, if s/he finds adequate sources of new supply, s/he may simply walk away from old ones.

Projecting One of the narcissist’s go-to manipulations is projection, whereby s/he beams her/his own words, actions, traits, and motives back onto others. If s/he lied, you are the liar; if s/he is childish, you are immature; if s/he insulted you, you are critical; if s/he demanded reassurance, you are insecure. Through projection, the narcissist blames the victim and denies accountability. Projection is an insidious form of lying that is especially traumatic for children, who internalize the belief that they are hurting the person who is actually abusing them. A narcissist also may project her/his ideal beliefs about her-/himself onto others, such as the golden child or someone s/he admires. Whether narcissists project consciously or unconsciously, they do it with impeccable aim.

Rage Narcissistic personalities react with rage if their narcissist injury is triggered. They take even small slights that most people would easily brush off as intense humiliations and/or rejections. When this happens, their fabricated “perfect” self and overblown feelings of entitlement are threatened, setting off a rage response. Narcissistic rage is terrifying, sometimes physically violent, and far beyond normal anger. It is emotionally and physically traumatizing for those on the receiving end, particularly children, who tend to blame themselves for the adult’s reaction.

Shame Narcissists are expert at projecting their own negative emotions onto others. Sadly, shame is a foundational emotion of the narcissist. In a primitive attempt to avoid feelings of shame and to elevate themselves, narcissists routinely shame others. A child who spills something, hasn’t mastered the use of silverware, or doesn’t know what a word means is mocked or reprimanded. A spouse who sings off key, forgets an appointment, or dares to disagree with the narcissist is ridiculed or outright attacked.

Smear Campaign Narcissists engage in smear campaigns to discredit others within their family or social sphere. A narcissist may smear another person because that person sees through her/his mask, s/he is trying to preemptively conceal her/his own abuse of that person, or s/he is taking revenge because the person offended or rejected her/him. The narcissist may conduct a smear campaign for lesser reasons, such as jealousy or resentment. Narcissists are quite calculating in their process of discrediting and socially isolating their target, using innuendo, gossip, and outright lies, often over a long period of time, to family, friends, neighbors, and community members. The narcissist won’t hesitate to smear an ex to their children, a scapegoated child to friends and relatives, or a colleague to other colleagues. The smear campaign usually happens behind the victim’s back, often with the assistance of the narcissist’s flying monkeys.

Listen to “Head Games” by Foreigner.

Written by Julie L Hall

7 Lies About Narcissism We Tell Ourselves

1. False: Narcissism is uncommon.

Narcissism is all around us, and we all know narcissists. They are in our businesses, our churches, our health care systems, our schools, our government, our neighborhoods, and our families. Narcissists are fathers, mothers, siblings, grandparents, friends, pastors, doctors, therapists, judges, lawyers, teachers, coaches, entertainers, and politicians. Narcissism crosses all categories of country, culture, class, and creed. It is one of the great themes of art and literature and the main source of conflict in many of our films and television programs.

2. False: Talk of narcissism is sensationalized hype.

Narcissism is not new, not a fad, and not empty, exaggerated, or hysterical hype. A person with a narcissistic personality has profound developmental deficits and an oppositional personality structure. Narcissism and its most extreme form, sociopathy, are characterized by reactivity, a lack of self-reflection and emotional empathy, black-and-white thinking, compulsive denial and projection, distorted and grandiose self-beliefs, and an ongoing need to bolster the self by controlling, dominating, and degrading others.

3. False: Narcissists aren’t in my family.

Narcissism is part of the human condition, and most families have people who are narcissistic. They may or may not be in your immediate family, but they are most certainly in your extended family and/or ancestry.

4. False: We don’t know what causes narcissism.

For sociopolitical reasons, the psychological community has been slow to acknowledge that the primary cause of narcissistic personality disorder and other personality disorders is attachment trauma in childhood. There are always genetic and epigenetic factors in personality development, but insecure attachment is what gives rise to the unstable self-esteem, emotional alienation, lack of individuation, and grandiose compensations that drive narcissism. Parenting that leads to insecure attachment in childhood does not necessarily look like obvious abuse or neglect; it often shows up as enmeshment, indulgence, lack of boundaries, overpraising, and idealizing.

5. False: Narcissism is easy to spot.

Narcissistic behavior is sometimes obvious, particularly in its more flagrantly domineering and attention-seeking form. But most of the time, narcissism is cloaked. A defining feature of the narcissistic personality is a well-developed public persona designed to ingratiate, persuade, seduce, influence, win favor, and otherwise pass as benign. Narcissists conceal their selfishness, cruelty, and contempt for others for the simple reason that they would be called out and ostracized if they didn’t. Typically it is only those closest to narcissists who see their unmasked rage and antagonism. And with the cunningly covert narcissist, it can take family members decades (if ever) to see it for what it is.

6. False: Narcissists don’t intentionally hurt others.

Narcissists do intentionally hurt others. They are exactly the type of people who deliberately hurt others or who don’t care if they hurt others in the pursuit of what they want. Like the rest of us, narcissists know right from wrong, and they know when they’re doing harm. The narcissistic personality is a perfect storm for abuse. Repeat: Narcissists have an ongoing need to bolster the self by controlling, dominating, and degrading others.

7. False: We’re all narcissistic.

By virtue of having our own brain and body and the need to self-advocate, each of us can be prone to some narcissistic patterns. When under stress we may, for example, lapse into childhood defenses of denial or projection, manipulate to get something we want, or judge someone who appears different from us.

Pathological narcissism, by contrast, involves a lifelong pattern of neglectful and abusive behavior toward others, with a devastating impact on the abused. Driven by a desire to control, outdo, exploit, and humiliate others, narcissists compulsively distort reality, leverage vulnerability, violate boundaries, and project and blame-shift their own abuse onto those they abuse. They elicit a fear response, ranging from subtle to intense, in those around them, creating ongoing hyperarousal in family members that results in debilitating complex trauma, often perpetuated across generations. Complex trauma impedes healthy brain development and nervous system functioning, weakens immune response, lowers emotional and physical resilience, and leads to degraded health and lowered life expectancy.

Conclusion

These dangerous lies about narcissism lead people to misinterpret or overlook the disorder, to excuse and enable the behaviors that accompany it, and to miss or dismiss its impact. When we fail to acknowledge the destructive reality of narcissism, our families, institutions, and society at large suffer. We become inured to the patterns of abuse and fail to oppose it or, even worse, we gaslight and abandon the victims.

By recognizing and acknowledging that narcissism is pervasive even in our own families and communities, that it stems from insecure attachment, that it is intentionally masked, that it shows up at all levels of society, and that it induces debilitating trauma in those around it, we can create interventions to help prevent its emergence, protect and support family members, and safeguard our social groups and institutions.

Written by Julie L Hall

The Narcissistic Mother & The Drama Triangle

The narcissistic mother takes pleasure in creating a situation where the siblings have to compete for her attention by unfair means. This can create jealousy between the siblings, making them become arch-enemies. Due to the deep emotional scars that the mother creates, there may be little connection between the siblings as they grow up. None of the narcissistic mother’s children realises that they are their mother’s puppets where the roles may switch at any time. Without any awareness, they will each take their turn of becoming either the persecutory villain, the victim or the rescuer in the drama triangle as their mother dictates the outcome of the family dynamics convoluted dance.

As the child of a narcissistic mother, one is going to find oneself caught in the Drama Triangle with the mother’s pathological conflict one way or another.

THE VICTIM STANCE: When we talk about the victim, we are not talking about an actual victim, but rather someone who is acting the victim. However, even though they are acting, they sincerely feel that they are being victimised, oppressed, hopeless, ashamed, etc….they are engaging in the “Poor me!” stance.

THE PERSECUTOR STANCE: The persecutor will go out of their way to control, blame, criticise. They will come across as being superior, self-righteous, angry, oppressive. No matter what happens, the persecutor will always insist that you are at fault.

RESCUER STANCE: The rescuer is the consummate enabler who suffers guilt if they don’t rescue the situation. Unfortunately, their rescuing can have adverse effects for the victim; it keeps them dependent on others and robs them of the experience of learning how to solve their problems.

For example, if the narcissistic mother enters into conflict with one of her children, she will see that child as her persecutor, and herself as the victim. She will always involve her other children in the conflict. She will expect them to rescue her and become her enabler and accomplice to further discredit her victimised child (unwittingly or wittingly). All three participants become drawn into, or even seduced, by the energy that the drama generates. Unfortunately, the real issue becomes obscured, and confusion escalates. The focus becomes on winning the argument rather than finding a solution to the problem. In reality, it is the narcissistic mother that is the persecutor who is abusing and exploiting both members of her family (i.e. it may be both siblings, or the father and a child). It is no mistake that the triangle shows the “Victim” at the top of the triangle on their own, while the narcissistic mother, the “Persecutor” sits at the broad end of the triangle with her “Rescuer” in allegiance with her. This loyalty causes divisions between each of her children and their father.

With the interlocking of the three roles, the actual victim is left confused at what has just happened. The fact that the mother is joined by her rescuer, (who unknowingly backs up every word of her manipulation), means that once again, the victim is left swimming in a pool of blame and shame, and they are yet again “the problem”.

This game of manipulation becomes the narcissistic mother’s lifestyle, and she will assume the role as victim, rescuer or persecutor whenever it suits her cause. If the children of the narcissistic mother continue to play this game with her, the Drama Triangle flourishes. If you are a child of a narcissistic mother, it is important to get familiar with how this works, and then refuse to engage in her destructive behaviour. One good way is to watch movies that illustrate the Drama Triangle in action, for example: –

Notes on a Scandal (2006)/Judy Dench

Shattered Glass/Hayden Christensen

House of Sand and Fog (2003)/ Jennifer Connelly, Ben Kingsley

Weight of Water (2000)/Sean Penn

RECOGNISING WHAT IS HAPPENING: When you can recognise what is happening in the relationship, the good news is that you can choose to get off the “drama triangle” (regardless of the role you find yourself in). When you do that, it changes the whole dynamic between you and the others in the family (or workplace, or friendships, etc.). Getting off the triangle calls for different action, and a willingness to negotiate putting down new boundaries when necessary. It also requires that we look more closely at our behaviour with curiosity and understanding. In that way, we remain connected to our self. This allows us to take decisive action, such as choosing to walk away from the situation rather than trying to defend ourselves from within the manipulated triangle, rather than becoming a persecutor ourselves.

The goal is to stay with the truth of the situation and allow others to behave according to their story. It does not matter if the stories do not match. What is important is that you liberate yourself through self-responsibility and truth. Not allowing yourself to get caught up in your mother’s Drama Triangle, where there is no room for truth.

Getting “off” the Drama Triangle is not something you do just once and it then it lasts for all time. Think of it more as a process, and not a final destination, where you will most likely find yourself getting on and off repeatedly with your narcissistic mother. As long as we stay in the drama, we allow ourselves to get caught up in all types of conflict that lock us into rigid and self-punishing roles that limit us beyond measure.

The Pathological Narcissist As Parent

When it comes to their children, because the narcissist lacks empathy, they make a terrible parent (both the male and the female parent). Rather than the child living through the parent, the parent lives through their child. Their children are little more than objects or possessions to them, to be used and controlled indiscriminately. The child is always in this parent’s shadow, with unreasonable expectations required of them, expectations that are designed to fulfill the narcissist’s selfish needs.

The children are there to serve them as co-narcissistic supply, and they will become extremely jealous at any signs of the child’s growing maturity and independence. Any independence in the child will be perceived as a threat, so it must be stamped out before it takes hold. They try to create a dependency in their children (i.e. emotional, physical, financial, and sexual, etc.) this helps to keep the child in servitude to them throughout their lives.

The hidden message is telling the child that they would not be able to manage out in the world on their own, so don’t even think about doing that, you are so useless you will get lost in the big world (Infantilisation). This becomes especially useful in older age when the pathological narcissistic parent finds themselves lonely and abandoned by most of their acquaintances.

These tactics erode the child’s confidence and keep them more pliable for narcissistic control. Of course, the time will come when the adult child will push for independence, and this will be a stormy time for both child and narcissistic parent (regardless of whether it is a father or mother).

For example, I know a boy when in his 20’s insisted on leaving his family home and moving in with his girlfriend. His narcissistic mother instantly felt rejected by her son, so she totally rejected and abandoned him in return. She refused to speak one word to him if he was with that young woman, and after a year the son returned home and complied with his mother’s wishes. He could no longer take the rejection of his narcissistic mother who completely cut him off. He ended the relationship with the girlfriend to please his mother and win back her love. He then, in his bid to please her and win her love, he had two tattoos with her name placed on his body. This thrilled her no end. Later, in his 30’s he did marry, but it was someone his mother approved of, a nice soft woman she could also control.

The child is also likely to experience competitive marginalisation (i.e. this involves constant nit-picking, criticism, being compared unfavourably to other siblings (or other children), unreasonable judgments, etc.). Commonly, this type of parent manipulates their children through guilting, blaming, shaming, reward and punishment (giving love as a reward and withholding love as a punishment), and emotional coercion.

To survive the trauma of this type of parental influence and withstand the harsh environment they find themselves living in, the child will learn to respond predominantly with one or two of four unconscious survival instincts (i.e. Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn). For example, they may decide to fight back against such tyranny (at their peril) or take flight by distancing themselves from that parent. Or they may choose to freeze, and by doing so they will substitute their chastised and invalidated True-self for a grandiose False-self persona.

Or finally, they may fawn, and seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs, and demands of their pathological narcissistic parent. In this way, to cope with their own narcissistic wounding due to such dysfunctional parenting, the child will either identify with that narcissistic parent, and possibly be conditioned to become a superior narcissist themselves in later life; or they will acquiesce to the narcissistic parent, and be conditioned in adopting the traits of the co-narcissist, where they become consummate caretakers throughout their entire life.

Either way, in effect, the child will find themselves parenting their pathological narcissistic parent in a role reversal dynamic until such time they manage to break free. Sadly, for as long as the child is under their narcissistic parents control they will experience crazy behaviours; they will be made to feel inferior, be criticised, made to feel guilty, humiliated in front of others, ignored, they will be always “walking on eggshells” wondering where the next reaction or mood of the narcissistic parent will lead.

They will be told to “grow up”, but when they try to assert themselves they will be slapped down. All these abusive victimizing behaviours are likely to hinder the adult child’s normal mental, emotional and social growth. The narcissistic parent cannot respond to their child’s needs, either emotionally or psychologically. Very often the child can sense that something is very wrong, unfortunately, they are unable to identify what the problem is while they are submerged in the terrible dysfunction.

Although they may feel frustrated with their parent, they may be afraid to show their true emotions for fear that they may lose the little connection they have with that parent. Children placed in this position are likely to react in one of three ways; they may either respond by becoming: –

1.The Conformer or Golden Child: They survive by people pleasing, conforming, being over-responsible, compliant, self-depreciating, and always catering to other’s needs.

2.The Rebel or Scapegoat Child: They survive by retaliating with a siege response, becoming rebellious, defiant, withdrawn, etc.

3.The Runner or Lost Child: Avoids conflict by lying low, doing what they can without becoming a threat or bringing negative attention to their selves.

A child may find themselves being placed in any (or all) of these positions at different times throughout their life, (i.e. being a Lost Child in the early years, until they excel in some way, they may then become the Golden Child who brings more attention for the narcissistic parent).

Whatever way each child adapts, this can have a significant deep-seated effect on the child’s self-esteem, self-concept, self-worth, and life satisfaction, which persists into adulthood.

What Makes A Self-Absorbed Narcissistic Mother?

Written by Christine Louis de Canonville

It is assumed that all mothers want to do the best for their children, but that is not always the case, definitely not the case when it comes to narcissistic mothers (as seen in the life of Joan Crawford and her daughter Christina). This raises the question, “What makes a good mother?”

It would seem to me that the ingredients required for being a good mother are the same ingredients that are required to be a good person generally (i.e. having empathy, being patient, kind and considerate, being able to admit when you are wrong, etc.). Also, it is important to be able to give and forgive, and to be able to go beyond the self to that of the other. Children are people too; they are just smaller and sometimes less able; therefore, they need a little more help and understanding. It is not a hard task to be a good mother, not when you focus on the essential requirements of a child. Being a good mother has nothing to do with being a superwoman, although many parents push themselves in that direction.

What Are The Healthy Attributes Of A Loving Mother?

Before you look at the self-absorbed narcissistic mother, it is important to know what makes a “good mother”. I consider that I had a wonderful, magical mother, a woman who loved being in the company of her children above all else, and was willing to give quality time to each of her children, and make happy memories that would last us a lifetime. But she was not silly, she knew each of us well, each with our different foibles, and she responded to our differences as well as our sameness accordingly. My mother was always supportive, encouraging each one of us to follow our dreams, and helping us to feel good about ourselves. She never made us feel a burden; she enjoyed being with us as much as we enjoyed being with her, and we knew that. She was sensitive to our needs, and never resorted to shaming us when we got things wrong. Making a mistake was always allowed. In fact, our mistakes were seen as great teachers that we could learn from, and we learned this from very young. Not being afraid to make a mistake allowed us also be able to apologise when we got things wrong.

Mum taught us to be optimistic; she always mirrored to us that her glass was half full, not half empty. Even though she had five living children of different ages, she was in perfect attunement with each of us. She always allowed us to be age appropriate in the tasks she set us, therefore, never fostering premature independence upon us. This built confidence and emotional intelligence and helped us not to be afraid of making our decisions when we felt ready. She delighted in our self-expression, whether it was through music, art, dance, writing, cooking, anything that gave us pleasure; and expanded our interest and growth.

In my case, I was making my clothes from age 13 (Mum was a wonderful seamstress that I learned from), and she never criticised my attempts at fashion, no matter how independent or bizarre my thinking was. She would offer her help, but if I refused it, she would respect that, and leave me to figure things out for myself. Of course, there were times when I made a mess of things, but she would wait for me to ask for her help, and then give it lovingly. She encouraged each of us to be independent thinkers; she even told us not always to follow like sheep, but to sometimes take the lead, and whenever I did take the lead she was very patient with my decisions. She did not make too many rules, but she would take the time to explain the logic behind each rule, and then she would expect us to adhere to that rule. She was clever, the few rules she did make seemed to cover a multitude of behaviours that we understood would not be acceptable. We were all made very clear of the boundaries, but she was open to negotiating when the boundary needed shifting. For example, I knew what time I had to be home each night, but on special occasions (like a dance) I could negotiate getting an extension that was fair to me, and would keep me safe.

Mum inspired us to self-govern and take responsibility when we were out of her range, and she trusted us, to tell the truth, always. It was an unspoken law that if you did something wrong but told the truth, you may or may not be in trouble. However, if you lied, you would be in trouble, no two ways about that. This instilled a sense of truth in us all, and when asked if we had done some misdemeanour or not, we would be truthful regardless of the consequences. This worked well for keeping us safe, especially outside of the home. Mum was always consistent in her rules; therefore, we knew the guidelines well and lived by them. We grew up in a home where our parents were both respectful to each other, and that was extended down to us children. She was always there to listen to our problems, but she would give us the space to work those problems through without her interference. She neither judged us, nor indulged us, but we always knew we could depend on her support in doing the right thing. She was not one of those mothers who told us “wait until your father gets home”. If there were a problem with our behaviour she would deal with it on the spot, and then it would be forgotten. We were never sent to bed with the fear of punishment hanging over us or the fear of being pulled out of the bed from sleep to an angry parent. We trusted both our parents, and it was Mum who regularly encouraged us to stretch ourselves, and would celebrate each of our accomplishments with us. She did not spoil any of us with material possessions, but she shared all her love by giving us individual attention and stretching us to be the best we could be.

What Are The Attributes Of A Self-Absorbed Mother?

All of the above qualities are those of a mature mother with normal, healthy maternal nurturing instincts, a woman who is selfless, validates and loves her children unconditionally. She parents her kids with empathy and attunes into their inner emotional life as she prepares them for independent living when the time comes for them to leave the nest. A narcissistic mother, on the other hand, is the antithesis of the mother I described above. She presents with the following criteria: –

(1) She has a grandiose sense of self-importance.

(2) She is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, beauty, or ideal love.

(3) She believes that she is special and can only be understood by high status people.

(4) She require excessive admiration.

(5) She has a sense of entitlement.

(6) She is interpersonally exploitative and takes advantage of others to achieve her goals.

(7) She lacks empathy.

(8) She is envious of others, and believes that others are envious of her.

(9) She shows arrogant behaviour.

The narcissistic mother is a mother who, instead of nurturing her children, is self-centred and mainly focused on herself. Rather than taking care of herself, the narcissistic mother expects to be taken care of and therefore expects her children to respond to her needs, and make her feel like a real mother that is lovable, the best Mum ever. It is their job to hold the spotlight on her and keep her centre stage. Unfortunately, she does not trust her children or believe in their essential goodness. She is brittle, controlling, does not observe boundaries, never apologises or remembers her inappropriate behaviour, needs to be always right, will fly into rages at the speed of lightening, and project that anger onto her children. She frightens and upsets her children, and discourages their independence. She needs to be the centre of attention and is jealous or resentful if the children get attention from others. Her children are mere objects who represent her and show her in good light, but at the same time, she is envious of their accomplishments, gifts and talents. Her punishment is inconsistent and punitive, and she often uses the threat of abandonment to control them. All of this craziness serves to confuse her children and undermine their self-esteem. Of course, to the outside world everything is perfect, but behind closed doors, the child is exposed to the horror of a mother with a personality disorder. Where a narcissistic father is concerned with performance, the narcissistic mother’s emphasis is on appearance.

Therefore, if you are the child of a narcissistic mother, or if you are a therapist working with the adult child of a narcissistic mother, then you need to understand that you are dealing with the behaviour of a mother who acts from a different set of criteria than the healthy mother. As you can imagine, this disordered kind of parenting creates significant emotional damage to the child. Generally speaking, children of narcissistic mothers grow up insecure because they have not had their value mirrored back to them in a healthy way. Because they have always had to look after the mother’s needs, they become over responsible for everything; they go on to act out this behaviour in all their future relationships. Usually, they tend to be unaware of their needs and feelings, always putting others before themselves. When they do put themselves first, they are filled with guilt, worrying that they are inherently insensitive or selfish, and this makes them feel anxious, or even worthless. They become consummate “pleasers” and work hard to cater to other’s demands. They always take the blame for any interpersonal problems in their relationships. All of their adaptions are unconscious; therefore, they are unaware of their behaviour. However, they are the ones likely to be found in the therapy room, because they consider they are responsible for fixing themselves. So it is vital for therapists to understand how the narcissistic mother operates in the home, and may have contributed to the dysfunctional patterns displayed by the adult before you that is seeking your help.

Unhealed Cptsd and Emotional Triggers

Unhealed Cptsd after narcissistic abuse is like walking through life with an open bullet wound in your soul. The side effects bleed out into every aspect of your life from romantic relationships, friendships and even your relationship with yourself.

But even more concerning is the fact that those wounds keep you susceptible to psychological abuse. If you have an untreated physical wound that someone keeps poking their finger into - that's going to create a tremendous amount of physical pain. You can go through life trying to make sure no one ever bumps into you or brushes against your wound..... or you can heal the wound and be unscathed if someone were to touch where the wound once existed.

The latter is obviously the better choice.

The same action is needed when it comes to emotional wounds.

Narcissists love to 'poke' their finger into your emotional wounds, simply and sadistically because it gives them narcissistic supply. They ENJOY seeing your emotional pain. This is a hard truth pill to swallow if the narcissist in your life is a parent or significant other, but it is truth.

There are 2 things that people accidentally do wrong when trying to stop or end the pain from emotional triggers:

1. They try to explain, and explain, and try over and over to get through to the narcissist with the thought being - "If I can just explain myself correctly they will see what they are doing that's hurting me and care enough to stop." This logic is great and healthy .... if and when you are dealing with a reasonably healthy person. But when you say to a narcissist 'Stop doing this, this hurts me' their brain hears: "Do this!! This hurts them." In the end, the only way to stop being triggered by them is not by getting THEM to stop, but it's about healing the wound so that if they do keep poking, it has no ability to emotionally dysregulate you.

2. They hope the narcissist heals the wound. For example, if your narcissistic parent makes you feel unlovable... and you are trying harder and harder to prove that you are 'good' and 'lovable' and 'enough' - without realizing it you are doing so in the hopes that they SEE your worth and therefore STOP triggering you by making you feel unlovable or unworthy. But.... pain can't heal pain. Narcissists are in pain all the time - they are shame based, full of self hatred. I know that it doesn't seem that way - it seems like they LOVE themselves and hate YOU - but the truth is they are constantly projecting how they feel about themselves onto you. They cannot heal your wounds and sadly they don't want to because if you feel lovable and enough and valuable, they know that first you will not tolerate abuse by them and you may leave them. The second thing they know is that they will not be able to project themselves onto you anymore and that would mean they would have to sit and marinate in the core emotions they fear the most: shame, unworthiness, low self esteem, not feeling enough. The sad reality is they would much rather project that onto you and emotionally regulate themselves through dysregulating you.

The most empowering thing you can do is give yourself time to work through the side effects of complex ptsd. It doesn't go away overnight - it does involve rewiring your brain, working through emotional flashbacks, strengthening your self identity, upgrading your subconscious beliefs, learning to let go of external validation, etc - yes it does take work - but it feels so good to be free of the side effects of narcissistic abuse.

The Distorted View of an Abuse Victim

A Distorted View of Reality

A young boys around 9 years old, apparently needed glasses. He did not know that he needed glasses. He was not aware that things were blurry to him. He thought that what he saw was reality. For example when he looked at trees he saw a green blurry mess. For him this is what trees looked like. He did not know any differently. This was a distorted view of reality, but it was all he knew. He had no way of knowing that what he saw was not reality. So to him it was reality!

When his parents discovered this, of course they took him to the eye doctor to have his eyes checked. The doctor confirmed that he needed glasses. He put on his new glasses, and we walked outside. He immediately exclaimed, “Wow! The trees have leaves!” For the first time, he could see clearly the individual leaves of the tree. He was so surprised at this and found it to be very enjoyable. Now he was seeing a clear picture of reality.

Check Your Symptoms

Before getting glasses, you might experience bad headaches and not know why. These headaches can cause you to be frustrated and tired. Yet you still do not know where this is all coming from. Kids can even start having bad grades as a result of vision issues. If these things are going on with your child, you start trying to figure out why rather than fuss at them for not being good enough, right?

So take a look at yourself. These are some of the symptoms you need to be checking.

Do you feel like everything is your fault?

Do you feel that you are never good enough?

Do you see yourself as worthless and hopeless?

Are you losing motivation in life?

Do you struggle to get out of bed?

Do you feel you have no purpose in life?

If you are experiencing these symptoms, then you need to start exploring. It may not be from abuse, just like your child might not need glasses. There can be other reasons for headaches and bad grades. And there can be other reasons for your symptoms. One big thing to ask yourself is - Are you especially experiencing these symptoms around one particular person in your life and non around others?

The Distorted View of Abuse Victims

Victims of abuse definitely experience a distorted view of reality. Not physically, like the young boys eyes. Rather, your distorted vision is turned inward. You do feel like everything is your fault and everything is your job to fix. You feel that no matter what you do you are not good enough and never will be. You doubt everything you do, say or think. You see yourself as worthless and your situation as hopeless. You have an extremely tough time seeing a clear view of reality, and you might not even be aware of it. Your vision is extremely distorted.

A distorted view of reality absolutely affects you physically, mentally, and emotionally. You find yourself with no energy, tired all the time, not feeling well, and all sorts of physical ailments.Yet you do not know why. Your mind goes into hyper-drive until it reaches a point of total exhaustion and shuts down completely. Emotions become too painful to feel anymore. Your relationships suffer. Consequently, you lose all motivation to even function. There seems to be no purpose in life anymore. Building the strength to even get out of bed can prove quite challenging. You easily become more and more isolated from the world, and even from those you love, and yet you continue to blame yourself for all of this. This has a disastrous effect on your life.

Gaining Perspective

You are just like the young boy, trying to decide if what you are seeing is real or not. Are the trees really a blurry green mess or do they have individual leaves? Are the words on the board at school written with a blurry marker or are they clear? Is all this your fault or have you been manipulated to believe this? Are you completely worthless or is there great value in you?

The young boy would never have known he needed glasses if he had not spoken up to someone, anyone. He asked his mother if she could read the words on the movie screen. “Yes, of course,” she replied. “What does it say?” he asked. The mother was surprised. “You read it,” she said. He responded, “I can’t. I can’t see the letters.” So the process that lead to contact lenses began.

You also need an outside perspective. You need to open up about what you are going through. Start talking about it. Start asking questions. Don’t keep it inside any longer. Even if your friend or family member doesn’t understand, that’s okay. The more you can talk about your feelings, the sooner you can start getting some clarity on them. Quit assuming that you know all the answers already. Let go of the belief that you can tough your way through this.

You must admit that you need help. There is absolutely no shame in that! Join support groups. Read books on healing from abuse and on mindfulness. You need tools that can help you get a better perspective of what reality is. You have to be able to get out of your own mind and see life from a healthier perspective. Just like you would go to the eye doctor to check your view of reality, don't hesitate to go to a counselor, therapist, psychologist, or any other form of help to check your view of reality.

Keep picturing those blurry green blobs that the young boy saw as trees. Accept that your own perspective may be every bit as blurry. There is a reason you are here looking for answers. You are not alone on this path! I wish you much peace on your journey of healing!

THE NARCISSISM EPIDEMIC…..The “Me First” Culture

For Therapists

The 21st Century has brought with it a relentless Narcissism Epidemic causing a rise in unhealthy narcissistic traits into our culture. These traits can be found in every strata of society, with a marked shift especially amongst the normal population, and in the numbers of women presenting with narcissistic behaviors. For that reason it is vital that therapists educate and familiarize themselves with all that is involved in narcissistic behaviors so that they can recognize the destruction and long-term consequences of this narcissism epidemic on society at large.

It is also important for therapists to know that this Narcissism Epidemic has given rise to a new syndrome which has been coined “Narcissistic Victim Syndrome.” This form of repeated narcissistic abuse is now being recognized as having long lasting pernicious and traumatic effects on the mental health of the victims.

Unfortunately, most therapists have never heard of this syndrome, yet it is coming into the therapy room every day. Through no fault of their own, therapists are ill equipped to recognize or work effectively with these clients, as this training is not taught on Professional Training Courses as yet. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is relatively new on the scene. Since the 1980’s all the research was pointed towards the narcissist themselves, and treatment of these patients meant that they went through psychiatric and Mental Health Services. It is only now that the effects on the victims are being researched. And of course, most victims do not go through the psychiatric system, they are much more likely to enter into a psychotherapeutic process because they have no idea what-so-ever that they are victims of narcissistic abuse.

As well as being educated in Narcissistic Victim Syndrome, therapists also must educate themselves in the area of the Narcissism Epidemic Traits, and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I would consider this vital for working effectively with the victims of narcissistic abuse, without this knowledge you will have no idea of what you are dealing with. Narcissistic Victim Syndrome goes way above the normal range of the abuse therapists are trained to work with. To complicate matters, many of the victims present with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSS) symptoms resulting from years of mind control, and coercion.

These conditions result from a victims bonding and emotional connection to their narcissistic abuser (The Stockholm Syndrome). These are the same symptoms that are often seen in prisoners of war, hostages, and cult members. Therapists must realize that these victims have lived in an environment that resembles a war zone, and in order to survive the horrendous abuse, they had to learn how to enter into the convoluted dance of the narcissist. This conditioning (like Pavlov’s dogs) is unconscious, tucked well away from conscious awareness, priming them for further re-victimization if not properly addressed. Re-victimization is a phenomenon of this syndrome.

There is no need for therapists to panic, already they have many of the attributes necessary for working with this condition, they just need to add to their knowledge by educating themselves in this new syndrome and understand the maladaptive behaviours of the narcissist. In return, they then become educators to the victims so that they can begin to make sense of how this abuse has happened to them. You can help them quit from being victims and become empowered once again.

Of course, they will need time and a safe place to grieve for their numerous losses and shame that they have suffered. Room also needs to be made for the expression of any anger that is triggered. As the victim moves through their story, they will have a greater understanding of their own survival behavior, and the intelligence at play behind that behavior. Working in this way will build the clients self-worth, self-esteem, and help them to regain their personal power. Often the victim is perplexed as to how they put up with so much abuse without doing anything about it, what they need to understand is that they did the best they could at the time, which was in reality using their “survival tactics”, no matter how mad it seems to them now. In time they will learn how to protect themselves from being victims, to quit blaming themselves for all that’s wrong in their relationships, to gain a comprehensive knowledge of the Narcissism Epidemic and Narcissistic Disorders so they will never again become re-victimized by another narcissist.

If therapists do not complete the process work, they fail their client, because they leave them vulnerable to more re-victimization, not just in their homes, but from other narcissists they come into contact with, for example, friends, and work colleagues, bosses etc. Narcissists spot those victims who know their convoluted dance in an instant, and they become like moths to the flame, which is an irresistible and dangerous attraction that truly excites the narcissist in his hunt for narcissistic supply.

10 Insights to Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Narcissistic behaviour is prevalent in our culture to-day, actually it is reaching epidemic proportions (affecting both males and females), yet not many therapists (Psychotherapists, Counsellors, Coaches, and Supervisors) would be quick to recognise it in the therapy room when clients present with what is now termed as Narcissistic Victim Syndrome (NVS). In order to be able to work effectively with narcissistic victim abuse, it is vital that the therapist first understands what narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is, what causes it, and what the insidious behaviours looks like. Failing to understand the highly complex narcissistic behaviour is to also fail to understand the psychological hell that your client has been through. Once understood, however, you will have the clarity of vision to be able to shine a light on the dysfunctional narcissistic behaviour that has baffled and confounded your client for so long. Narcissistic behaviour is so insidious that it keeps the victim living in a nightmarish hell where they are always walking on eggshells to the point that it impairs their ability to be able to function. In order to avoid clumsy repetition of “he/she” and “his/her” in this article, I will use the pronoun “he” when describing NPD.

The following insights are useful for beginning to understand narcissistic behaviour:-

1. Rejection: Because the narcissist is suffering from the core wounds of abandonment, he fears rejection more than anything else in the world. Because of his deep wounds, his antenna is alerted to the slightest hint of any impending danger of rejection (real or imagined), and he will do anything he has to in order to avoid the overriding feeling of shame that it brings. As a result he builds elaborate defence mechanisms all around him, and he will lie, cheat, abuse and manipulate in any conceivable way in order to protect his fragile false-self.

2. False-self: The Narcissist desperately craves love, but at the same time, because of his inordinate fear of abandonment, betrayal, and rejection, he is terrified of intimacy, therefore leaving him deeply lonely within himself. Never having learnt the art of honest communication, he lacks the skills of forming healthy relationships. His first loving and completely controllable object he attaches to is “himself”. Just like the mythical character Narcissus, he has become the object of his own desire, and he projects that idealized image onto the world through a persona that is a False Self, a false self that he sees as being omnipotent (all-powerful) and omniscient (allknowing). Unfortunately, these images are confabulations, merely elaborate works of fiction which have little or nothing to do with reality. From there he turns others into objects so that they pose no emotional risk. These mental representations of meaningful or significant others become the “Sources of Narcissistic Supply”.

3. Narcissistic Supply: Narcissistic Supply really refers to those people who provide a constant source of attention, approval, adoration, admiration etc, for the narcissist. The attention they receive from the “Supply Source” is vital for the survival of the narcissist, without it they would die (either physically or metaphorically), because their weak ego depends on it in order to regulate their unstable self-worth and self-esteem. The narcissist perceives themselves as being very independent. They could not deal with the fact that they need anybody, because needing someone brings with it the threat of being rejected. This would imply some boundary to their power or imply that they are incomplete. Furthermore, they can not tolerate any sign of independence and autonomy from their “supply”, this only serves to enrage them. The narcissistic supply is there to serve them, so they try to cement their source of supply into the role they have made for them, and there they remain under the narcissist’s control. Any attempt by the supply person to not comply sends him into a rage.

4. Rage: His narcissistic behaviour is full of rage. The raging is the narcissist’s way of screaming for attention because it is all about them, their wants, needs and desires. Narcissistic rage is the uncontrollable and unexpected anger that occurs due to a narcissistic injury. Narcissistic injury is a threat to a narcissist’s self-esteem or worth. Rage comes in many forms, but all pertain to the same important thing, “revenge”. It is important to point out here that narcissistic rage should not be confused with anger, (although the two are similar), the narcissist’s rage is not necessarily caused by a situation that would typically provoke anger in an individual. Their rage frightens people, seeing the fear on others face makes the narcissist feel that they have won, so they feel even more powerful and in control of the situation, and this also satisfies their sadistic nature. The rage supports and covers up their cognitive distortions, fragmentation, dissociation, arrested emotional development, their black and white thinking, their false self, their grandiosity, their need for attention (even if negative), their need to be right, and their lack of empathy. In short, the narcissists “rage” houses the actions necessary for the narcissist to defend himself against his hostile world (i.e. splitting, devaluation, projection, projective identification etc), however, these defences, like a double-edged sword, render any closeness or intimacy impossible, whether intentionally or unintentionally. However, the rage makes him feel that he is taking back control whenever in fear of losing it.

5. Power and Control: In his everyday existence he seeks to dominate each individual and group he interacts with, whether that is in the home, the workplace or social events. His power is not “power with”, but rather “power over” all that he surveys. His power and control is his springboard to verbal and emotional abuse. For example, while he enforces financial restrictions over his family, he is free to make decisions regarding expenditure for himself. When it comes to the everyday caretaking of the household he does not partake of the menial tasks, however he undermines and condemns those doing the tasks. His energy is spent on “ideas” as to how things get done, but the doing is left to the “plebs” to carry out the work and ideas for him. As the job gets done, the narcissist criticizes and complains, and he fails to give credit where credit is due. He convinces himself that it is his brains that direct the work, without him nothing would be achieved, and he totally fails to appreciate the work done by others. He is lost in his own grandiosity.

6. Grandiosity: Grandiosity is usually the most outstanding and discriminating feature of individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Grandiosity can be expressed in an unrealistic overvaluation of talents and abilities; preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited beauty, power, wealth or success; and a belief in unrealistic superiority and uniqueness. This is usually accompanied by boastful, pretentious, self-centred and self-referential narcissistic behaviour. According to Gunderson and Ronningstam, from “The Diagnostic Interview for Narcissistic Patients” (Archives of General Psychiatry,1990), that the research shows that the grandiose narcissist exaggerates his talents, capacity, and achievements in an unrealistic way. He believes in his invulnerability, or does not recognize his limitations. His grandiose fantasies lead him to believe that he does not need other people. To need others would fill him with immeasurable shame.

7. Shame: Shame would appear to be the ongoing tension between the narcissist’s grandiosity and his desire for perfection. When shame is experienced by the narcissist he feels inadequate, flawed, and inferior. Narcissistically injured himself, he is now likely to fly into a sudden resurgence of rage as he feels conspicuous, exposed, and vulnerable to humiliation. He is overwhelmed by anxiety because he believes that he will lose the imagined love and admiration from other people if he isn’t perfect. So we can say that consciously the narcissist is being driven to do better and better within the rigid frameworks they have created for themselves; however, unconsciously they cannot control their behaviour, so they and anybody who surrounds them have to suffer.

8. Perfectionism: Governed by a False Self, the narcissist’s obsessional behaviour sets unrealistic goals. He then struggles to maintain those goals within the realities of what he perceives as an imperfect world. This pressure that the narcissist puts on himself comes from his unrelenting demand for perfection, which of course is necessary if his grandiosity and illusion of omnipotence is to be maintained. Furthermore, since the narcissist is ruled by his “black and white” or “all right or all wrong” thinking, he can only views his achievements in one of two ways, either they are viewed: as being the greatest accomplishments, or they are viewed as the greatest failures. There is no middle space; therefore there is no room for the emergence of a process for further learning. So he either reaches his positive ego ideal (his Eureka moment), where he experiences an elated self-esteem to his liking, where he can feel a great sense of achievement, and flaunt it to the world with pride. Or he experiences a negative ego ideal, where his omnipotence is threatened; throwing his sense of perfection and uniqueness into question. When the latter is experienced, it leads to feelings of shame, vulnerability and failure for the narcissist; his pride of accomplishment is likely to be devalued, and his commitment and capacity to follow through on this achievement is most likely to be scrapped, because it is too painful not being able to live up to his positive ego ideal. Of course this is going to enrage him, and he is likely to be engulfed by feelings of self doubt, self-loathing, and self-reprimanding behaviour. Shame would appear to be the ongoing tension-generating dialectic between the narcissist’s grandiosity and his desire for perfection. When shame is experienced by the narcissist he feels inadequate, flawed, and inferior. Narcissistically injured himself, he is now likely to fly into a sudden resurgence of rage as he feels conspicuous, exposed, and vulnerable to humiliation.

9. Boredom: Narcissists have an insatiable need for excitement in order to feel good about themselves, and they are forever chasing thrills. Because they are so full of aggression, any excitement helps them to burn off their furious anger that is always bottled inside of them. Of course, their aggression comes in many guises, and one of their favourite disguises is boredom. Faced with boredom, the narcissist plummets into the abyss of despair where he touches old feelings of helplessness, and inadequacy born out of earlier experiences (for example, it may be feelings of inferiority that came from an inability to understanding lessons in school, or as a result of being bullied etc). Boredom creates anxiety for them; it simply devastates their morale, so they won’t tolerate it for very long. It is precisely these feelings of anxiety that lead the individual to search for “narcissistic supply” in the first place. In order to assist him in his never ending quest, he looks for fame.

10. Fame: One of the reasons that the narcissist has an insatiable need for fame is because it leads him to the inexhaustible repository of praise and admiration which he craves in order to fill the “Gap” of his shameful childhood. The intolerable shame experienced as a child leaves the narcissist to experience pervasive feelings of self-contempt and worthlessness. Since the painful effects of shame cannot be regulated, the narcissist develops an effective way not to experience it. He routinely “splits off” from that part of himself that feels the shame, thus allowing him to “bypass” his shameful feelings. To the onlooker, by-passed shame looks like shamelessness, or an absence of conscience. The “shamelessness” works in such a way that it directs the shame outward, away from the Self, where nothing is ever his fault, thus defending the narcissist against the feelings of self-contempt and unworthiness that he feels. His tried and tested way of alleviating the effects of such feelings is by having admiration from his endless menu of narcissistic supply, and this he manages to maintain by assuming an attitude of grandiosity and entitlement, which in turn makes him feel famous and special. The feelings of fame make him feel alive, and the more alive he feels, the more he plays to his audience. His audience reflects his celebrity image and status back to him, and his very existence is affirmed. This affirmation of himself is expressed outwardly in his narcissist hubris and over-confidence. Hubris refers to the exaggerated self confidence or pride displayed by the narcissist, and it often operates within the connotation that retribution will follow if you should dare to cross him.

To conclude: Narcissism is a pathological condition where the individual experiences great difficulties within his relationships as a direct result of deprivation suffered as a child. The narcissistic behaviours are the narcissist’s self-preservative attempts to protect himself from any further painful narcissistic insult as experienced as a child, through his hostile world and dysfunctional school and family system, his internal regulating system so to speak. Because the narcissist does not possess the internal structures necessary to combat their terrifying sense of fragmentation, anxiety and declining self-esteem, they turn to these external behaviours in their attempt to self-soothe. And as you can see, the narcissistic behaviour becomes an endless spiral that keeps looping back on itself in every situation, causing an endless stream of narcissistic victim abuse in its wake.