The Narcissist Withholds Attention As A Control Tactic: 3 Ways To Reclaim Your Power

Many have been ensnared by the initial charms of a narcissist, yet few have benefited from a long-term relationship with one. The idealization phase with a narcissist includes love bombing, sweeping a victim off his or her feet, and empty, flowery promises which never come to fruition. This form of love bombing can take place across many different contexts. Imagine the narcissistic boss who promises his employees the dream job of a lifetime, only to later exploit them. Or, the narcissistic mother who dangles the carrot of temporary affection simply to get her children to obey her. Perhaps the narcissistic girlfriend who showers her partner with excessive flattery and visions for the future she knows will never come to life, or the narcissistic husband who overwhelms his wife with constant attention before suddenly going cold.

There are countless horror stories from victims regarding a narcissist’s sudden “switch” in personality after the “honeymoon” phase. Narcissistic partners who appeared to be loving, doting partners until the victim was sufficiently invested in them — and then became chronically cruel, callous, indifferent, and abusive. Some even waited until the literal honeymoon after the wedding to unmask themselves. By that time, the victims had already built a seemingly unbreakable connection with their narcissistic partners which they felt was difficult to extricate themselves from.

In these scenarios, manipulation and fraud, rather than genuine connection, is at the center of the dynamic. The narcissist maintains control over the victim not through the idealization alone, but rather the hot-and-cold and withholding behavior which accompanies it. This causes the victim of a narcissist to try to regain the abuser’s approval – to “reset” the relationship back to its sweet beginnings.

WITHHOLDING, INTERMITTENT REINFORCEMENT, AND ABUSE

Some of the most popular ways narcissists use withholding include stonewalling (the shutting down of conversations before they’ve even begun), the silent treatment, a sudden withdrawal of affection and physical intimacy without reason, and unexplained disappearances where they refuse to contact you or engage with you at all, even while they interact with others with enthusiasm as a way to rub salt on the wound.

According to researchers, some of these forms of withholding can actually activate the same parts of the brain as those that register physical pain. In other words, being callously ignored by a narcissist who then dotes on others in front of you can be akin to being sucker-punched in the face. This demand-withdraw pattern in relationships can cause victims to exert their efforts in trying to make their partner behave differently, only leading to fruitless efforts and further frustration.

What many don’t realize is that narcissists deliberately withhold attention and affection sporadically throughout the relationship to maintain the victim’s addiction to them. We know that intermittent reinforcement of positive behaviors throughout the abuse cycle is a tactic that allows dopamine to flow more readily in the brain, creating reward circuits in the brain associated with the abuser, and ultimately strengthening the addictive “trauma bond” between abuser and victim. This is a bond created in a relationship with a power imbalance, periods of arousal and intensity, and good/bad treatment.

Withdrawal of affection and attention causes victims to attempt to please the narcissist in order to regain the initial attention and affection they experienced in the beginning of the relationship. In the victim’s trauma-bonded mind, even the harshest of lows are worth the potential of regaining the highs.

However, a narcissist’s withholding period is actually a time of great potential power for the survivor. Here are three ways to reclaim your power when you are experiencing the devastating withholding behaviors of a narcissist:

1. Plan a safe exit.

The period when a narcissist is withholding and withdrawing from you is actually an ideal time for you to plan your safe exit from the relationship. The narcissist will likely be “busy” grooming other victims and believes that you are busy pining for them. Little do they know, you will be spending that precious time finding a way to escape them. Since you are not under the narcissist’s watchful eye or under the shroud of their love bombing, it’s prime time for you to reconnect with the feelings of outrage you feel at having this person ignore, neglect and belittle you like this – and to stealthily explore your options.

Give no notice to the narcissist you are doing this; any and everything you do to empower yourself should be kept from the narcissist until you are at a safe distance. If you are currently married to a narcissist, get your finances together, find the services of a lawyer experienced in high-conflict personalities, consult a therapist and domestic violence advocate to create a safety plan, and document the abuse for any legal proceedings. If you are entrenched in a toxic workplace, look for other job opportunities, explore your passions on the side (especially any lucrative side hustles which might become full-time ventures), and rework your resume in the meantime. Planning such a safe exit ensures that the narcissist will not suspect anything is amiss until you’ve already left. He or she will not be able to ensnare you back in the abuse cycle by attempting to manipulate you or threaten you. By that time, you will be well on your way to freedom.

2. Use any withholding periods as times for radical self-care and productivity.

In addition to planning your exit, use these periods where the narcissist is subjecting you to stonewalling or the silent treatment as periods of self-care and productivity. Channel your emotions into self-care activities such as yoga, meditation, writing (to help anchor you back into the reality of the abuse), reading (preferably about manipulation tactics), and exercise. These will all serve as constructive outlets to reset your body and mind from the biochemical addiction to the narcissist.

Stay productive when you notice the narcissist is intentionally being distant; distracting yourself with the pursuit of activities related to your career, passions, and a greater mission can help to refocus on rebuilding your own life apart from the narcissist. Build social networks related to recovery from abuse and emotional manipulation; this is a great time to find a trauma-informed counselor who understands narcissistic personalities (if you don’t have one already), to join an online forum for survivors of abuse, or a real-life support group. These new networks and habits will all enable you to have a safer place to land once you’ve exited the relationship for good.

3. Resolve to integrate the painful lesson of withholding into your future experiences.

Being with a narcissist gives you immeasurable social and emotional capital in the form of knowledge. You now hold the insight to navigate interactions with emotional predators that much more skilfully and with discernment. You no longer need to waste your precious time and energy on people who neglect you, ignore you, or treat you inconsistently. When you recognize someone ignoring you the first time, you will now know how to withdraw your own energy from them before it is too late. You will see neglect of any kind as an automatic deal-breaker and a red flag warning you against any further investment. Don’t let the pain you experienced go to waste; use it as a powerful reminder and as fuel to help you walk away from narcissists – before they’re able to ensnare you in the first place.

Ways a Narcissist Manipulates the Emotionally Intelligent

Four emotionally intelligent tendencies may be manipulated by a narcissist. Focusing on the good in people, admitting fault, empathy, and fighting to remain close are healthy and essential capabilities. An awareness of how and why these qualities are exploited may help an emotionally intelligent person protect himself or herself.

First, an emotionally intelligent person is usually warmhearted and sees the good in people. This is sometimes referred to as emotional unity. He or she desires harmony and wishes for everyone to get along. Frequently, this allows him or her to overlook flaws in others. Non-judgmental and understanding, this person is usually emotionally safe. Unfortunately, this attribute is quickly exploited by a narcissist.

For example, Lisa discovers Mike said unkind and untrue things about her to mutual friends. Although she is upset, she excuses Mike’s actions because Mike is under pressure at work and is reeling from a recent divorce. She thinks to herself, “He is a good friend most of the time, so I am going to assume he is just going through a difficult time.” She sweeps the incident under the rug because she is empathic and does not want to add to his distress.

Although it is virtuous to see the good in people, this tendency may backfire with a narcissist. A narcissist may realize a person like Lisa is easily manipulated. This may fuel his or her need to continue hurting Lisa to gain power in the relationship. Unfortunately, a narcissist may derive satisfaction from wounding a person of whom he or she is envious, and often narcissists are jealous of emotional intelligence.

Second, an emotionally intelligent person is self-aware, which means he or she routinely looks at herself or himself. This introspective tendency, although uncomfortable at times, allows him or her to take responsibility for a mistake in a relationship. Authentically owning a misstep, feeling intense remorse, and actively repairing the damage by communicating a full understanding of how a selfish moment hurt a loved one allows this person to maintain trust and closeness in relationships.

In addition, the tendency to look inward helps a person understand his or her part in a conflict with another. Ownership of his or her role in a dispute usually leads to healthy conflict resolution. If the opposite person is equally emotionally intelligent, he or she may engage in self-evaluation and respond by taking responsibility for his or her wrongdoings during the spat. Both people move forward positively, knowing more about themselves and the other.

Unfortunately, this may not go as smoothly with a narcissist. He or she tends to immediately deflect and project accountability instead of looking in the mirror. The disagreement typically escalates because the narcissist’s projections are unfair. Understandably, the person reels under the attack, and immediately self-reflects. Uninformed about the narcissist’s distorted viewpoint, he or she views herself or himself through the narcissist’s skewed lens and is then manipulated into believing he or she is ultimately at fault.

Thus, the emotionally intelligent person in the relationship who already looks at herself or himself is manipulated into taking the blame for the narcissist who rarely self-reflects. This cycle may cause an emotionally intelligent person to begin doubting his or her own reality, despite its validity.

Third, a cornerstone of emotional intelligence is empathy. Empathy is frequently considered a necessary element in close and healthy relationships. An attempt to understand how a loved one feels while honoring that emotion may do wonders for an individual who feels alone in his or her plight.

For example, “You are disappointed. I get it. I would be too. But you got this. You are a good writer. Keep at it.” Conversely, a response that lacks empathy might be, “You should’ve given it to a professional editor before you submitted it. I told you. You are not going to be upset today, are you? We have my work function. If you are going to pout and feel sorry for yourself, maybe it's best that you just stay home.”

Despite its healing benefits in a relationship, a narcissist may exploit a person’s empathy. One of a narcissist’s most prominent cognitive distortions is the victim stance. He or she may be prone to re-writing history and altering reality to make himself or herself the victim. This usually occurs when he or she is confronted or after he or she acts out aggressively or passive-aggressively.

For example, Ben discovers Ellie is accruing debt on a shared credit card. He is sickened because he is not sure how to pay the enormous balance. Distraught, he calls Ellie to confront her and discuss a plan to handle the situation. Ellie immediately begins sobbing on the phone. She says she feels invisible to Ben and shopped to combat feeling alone in the relationship. She claims she is too upset to talk about it. When Ben arrives home and attempts to re-address the issue, Ellie escalates. She screams and cries and tells Ben, “This is your fault. You make me feel small.” Next, she whips a bowl across the room in Ben’s direction and storms up the stairs, yelling, “Narcissist! You are a narcissist!”

Ben is baffled. He looks at himself. He asks, “Am I a bad partner? Am I a narcissist? Have I been emotionally neglecting Ellie? Is this my fault?” Ben racks his brain. He wonders if he is too self-absorbed. He does spend a lot of time at work. Ben decides the situation is his fault. He approaches Ellie and apologizes, taking the blame.

The narcissist in this scenario, Ellie, successfully shifts the blame in the relationship by playing the victim. She avoids looking at herself and owning a mistake, and instead revises history, making herself the victim and Ben the villain. In doing so, she successfully evades accountability. Utilizing a past hardship to actively excuse a mistake in a present relationship is a common tactic of a narcissist.

Alternatively, Ellie feels invisible in the relationship. She makes herself vulnerable and identifies how she is feeling to Ben. Ben empathizes, “I have felt unimportant in many of my relationships. It hurts. I don’t want you to feel like that with me.” He makes a concerted effort to spend more quality time with Ellie and they move forward happily. In this depiction, Ellie is able to identify her feelings and discuss them in a healthy way in order to regain closeness with Ben.

Fourth, an emotionally intelligent person usually attaches securely and heartily. He or she cares deeply about a loved one and longs to be close. In most relationships, this tendency is admirable because the person remains emotionally attuned to others and senses when a loved one is struggling. Utilizing social awareness and empathy, an emotionally intelligent person can be caring, selfless, and accountable in a relationship. Unafraid to identify feelings, admit fault, and offer empathy, the person regularly succeeds in sustaining closeness with loved ones who share similar emotional capacities.

Unfortunately, a narcissist may easily exploit an emotionally intelligent person’s need and capability for closeness and connection. Superficially attached and fixated on control rather than closeness, a narcissist treats the people in his or her inner world more as objects there for his or her gratification than human beings with their own feelings and opinions.

However, the narcissist is able to somehow sense that the emotionally intelligent individual may be deeply hurt if he or she withdraws, so he or she uses this to gain emotional control. He or she emotionally abandons the person and drops him or her like a hot potato, knowing the partner will clamor and claw to regain closeness with him or her. The narcissist dangles the possibility of closeness in front of the partner like a carrot.

Panicked and stunned at the unexplained emotional abandonment, the individual with EI oftentimes fights to regain the closeness by sacrificing aspects of herself or himself to preserve the connection. Of course, this is what the narcissist demands and wants.

Frequently, a person with emotionally intelligent gifts is misperceived as wearing rose-colored glasses, being a pushover, and being too sensitive and needy, however, this may only be true with regard to a narcissist. In most cases, these tendencies are sophisticated, mature, and emotionally evolved. An understanding of how a narcissist manipulates emotional intelligence may help people uphold a true gift and see through narcissistic manipulation.

Moving On and Moving Up from a Narcissist

Healing and thriving after abuse is a slow but realistic process. Healing from a narcissist is a complicated process. It is a journey unlike any other that may cause you to question your sanity, your morals, and your beliefs. Narcissistic relationships are characterized by the constant whiplash of emotions and push/pull dynamics of control. This type of lifestyle can wreak havoc on psychological health and stability, which in turn makes a victim easier for the narcissist to control.

Unfortunately, this also gives the narcissist power to not only rewrite the narrative but also star as both the hero and the villain of the story. A narcissist’s victim is going to be too tired to keep up with maintaining the relationship and the happiness of the narcissist to worry about countering the stories being told. This opens the door for the narcissist to ruin their partner’s reputation and defame their character. Soon, you may find yourself isolated from friends and family, questioning your own recollection of events, and getting tied closer and closer to the narcissist. It is possible to break free from a narcissist, although it won’t be easy and will take strong boundaries and consistency.

Setting Boundaries

Boundaries are necessary for establishing distance between you and the narcissist and creating a demand for respect. The boundaries are not built to keep people out, but rather to protect you from abuse. You have a right to say to the narcissist, “You cannot treat me like this” or “I do not have to listen to your abuse.” Boundaries can also be physical by using the blocking option on your phone, social media, and email accounts. Rules are another important aspect of boundaries which narcissists hate. Narcissists truly believe that they should be allowed to say or do whatever crosses their minds, regardless of the consequences for other people. They believe they are correct and truthful and that their narrative is gospel. Boundaries and rules stop the narcissist from controlling, or attempting to control, their victim.

Boundaries also encourage personal growth in the victim by reminding them that they are worthy of respect and kind treatment. By intentionally practicing self-care, you will realize the boundaries have protected you. One former victim recalls their ex-husband wanted to complete the divorce and then get back together. "He was leaving me destitute with no child support, demanding the house be sold, and wanting half ownership of my car and belongings, but then telling me he just wanted to 'close the chapter' with the divorce and restart our relationship after. He harassed every man I dated after we broke up and then said it was out of love and he missed me. Why would I put myself and the kids through a divorce to get back together? My ex ruined me financially and emotionally with the divorce, but looking back I realize it was to prepare me to go crawling back to him. He thought that by dragging me into the dirt, breaking me financially and taking everything away from me, I would have to go back to him. Mu boundaries and self-respect saved me from the continued abuse."

Deciding on No Contact

No contact is a complete limit on the type of conversation allowed. If possible, it is best to block a narcissist completely. Unfortunately, this is sometimes impossible if you share children together or are going through other legal matters. But you can still place strict limits on the type of conversation or contact allowed—for example, only allowing contact in case of emergencies with the children or limiting interactions to a parenting app. Narcissists often hate no contact and limited interaction and they may try anything to get a reaction out of their victim. The best thing you can do is to ignore them. They may alternate between insults and accusations to suddenly sending screenshots of old photos of you two or forgotten love notes. All you can do is ignore them and, if necessary, seek an order of protection from the legal system.

Don’t Expect Apologies

A narcissist will never apologize for their behavior, nor will they change. The person they present to you — the rage, the anger, the lashing out with insults and accusations and attacks when they don’t get what they want — is who they are. The calmness and peace and affection of the good moments only exists when they are served and catered to. It takes two people to make a relationship happy and functional, with both parties giving and receiving. One person constantly coddling the other or showering them with gifts and attention to maintain the peace is not a healthy relationship — it is servitude. A victim will never receive an apology from their narcissist. Likewise, a narcissist will never believe they need to change or make amends for their behavior. Instead, they will project all the blame and fault onto their victim. The best thing a victim can do is practice self-forgiveness and self-care to move on and heal.

Getting Outside Help

A good therapist or life coach is an important part of your healing plan. A properly trained counselor can encourage you to grow, change for the better, and improve your thinking. Beware counselors who support your desires to stay stagnant or don't challenge your negative thinking.

Find and Embrace Gratefulness

Life is scary and complicated and messy, but it is also beautiful and funny and full of surprises. Whether you lost six months or 15 years to a narcissist’s control, you have to remember you are now free of that and life is — once again — full of opportunities. In your bad moments, focus on your breathing for several minutes and identify five people or pets that you love and love you in return. When faced with a challenge or a fork in the road, choose the path that will lead you to growth and the bigger picture. If one option means you stay small and quiet and unappreciated, turn away. Embrace the fear of the unknown, turn your back on the abuse, and see where the new path takes you.

How To Move On After A Relationship With A Narcissist

Being in a relationship with a narcissist can seem like a never-ending cycle of pain, loneliness, abuse and many other feelings. You may have remained empathetic and forgiving throughout the relationship but perhaps at some point you realized it was important to stop this negative cycle and find your freedom. Breaking the negative cycle of the relationship was probably the best thing you could have done for your emotional and mental well-being! Though, it may not feel like this immediately, it will get easier with time as you move on with your life. At the beginning it is time to focus on healing and self-care. Focusing on your own life and well-being after spending all your energy on your narcissistic partner can be difficult at first. But, there are a few things that you can do to make the journey easier so that you can heal, regain your self-worth and move on with your life.

Set Necessary Boundaries

Getting out of a relationship with a narcissistic person was the first step. But it can be tempting to allow them to come back into your life in some capacity. In doing so, you will be setting yourself up for more pain and more problems in the future. Though it can be hard at first, it is important to set boundaries when it comes to your narcissist ex-partner contacting you. It may be beneficial to block them from calling you, sending you messages, etc. Another good idea might be to get rid of anything in your own home that reminds you of them and the negative experience. Cutting ties quickly and completely is never easy, especially if you were in a narcissistic relationship for a long time. But, it is the best way to start the healing process with less distractions.

Accept the Truth and Move On

You may have suffered both mentally and emotionally for years by your narcissistic partner. Maybe you denied it or refused to see it while you were with them. But, after the relationship is over, it is important to accept that truth. Accept the reality that the individual you were with was toxic to your life. It can sometimes be a hard pill to swallow, and it can often make people feel guilty or even feel ‘at fault’ for allowing such things to go on for so long. That is why the next portion of this tip is equally-important: Learn to forgive yourself. It is not your fault that you stayed in a relationship with a narcissist. It just goes to show that you valued the relationship itself, and that perhaps you saw something in that person that may not have actually been there. Don’t blame yourself for how that person made you feel, and don’t blame yourself for staying in an toxic relationship. Forgiving yourself will allow you to move on and take control of your life again.

Listen to Yourself

There may be an underlying reason within you that initially drew you to a narcissistic person, and that same reason may be why you stayed with them for so long. Listening to your inner thoughts and feelings can help you to determine why that might be. Keep in mind that there is a difference between self-understanding and self-blaming. Keep listening to that inner-voice and ask yourself how you feel now, after you have left that narcissistic individual. Your intuition is stronger than you might think, as long as you open up and allow yourself to really listen to it.

Change Your Focus

As humans, it is not always easy for us to just forget the past and move on. This is especially true when it comes to relationships of any kind. But, after you have given yourself some time to heal, shifting your focus and becoming more mindful will be a big help. Start to focus on the present and on the future, and how these things make you feel. Think about your goals and dreams, even if you haven’t considered what they might be in years. They will give you something to look forward to, something to feel excited about and also something to focus on, which will make it easier to pull yourself out of any negative thinking associated with your past relationship.

Be Patient With Yourself

Perhaps the most important tip to put into practice is to be patient with yourself after you end your relationship with a narcissist. Maybe you keep falling back into sadness when you think about the relationship. Maybe you feel like you are not moving forward quickly enough, and you want to “get over” those negative feelings that keep sticking with you. Everyone deals with the aftermath of a breakup differently. When you were in a relationship where emotional abuse was involved, dealing with that kind of trauma can make things even more difficult. Be kind to yourself, and try to eliminate any negative self-talk. This goes along with forgiving yourself, of course. But it is also necessary to be gentle with your own emotions as you continue to work through everything.

Don’t assume that one setback is going to drag you back to where you started. There is no set time limit you need to keep track of when it comes to your healing process. No matter how long it might take you, the most important thing is to be persistent and not to give up on yourself. Hopefully, some of the suggestions listed in this article will make the aftermath of living with a narcissist a bit easier for you. Remember, this is an opportunity for you to take the reigns back on your own life. Though it may be a slow process at the beginning, you will feel so much better once you finally find personal freedom, and once you have moved on with your life after being in a relationship with a narcissist.

Narcissists and money.

Narcissists share these 5 toxic money habits, says psychologist: They often go unnoticed or ignored Narcissists are one of the most challenging personalities to be around. Unfortunately, some of the most common narcissistic traits — grandiosity, superiority, entitlement and a lack of empathy — have been on the rise in recent years. Even worse, these traits often go unnoticed or are ignored, particularly from people who don't know about narcissism or have other vulnerabilities such as low self-esteem. As a psychologist who studies extreme self-involvement, I've found that narcissism is a maladaptive personality type that can impact the mental health and functioning of those who come into contact with it — especially when money is involved. Narcissists seek power over others to feel better about themselves, and money is a tool they use to manipulate and control.

Here are the most toxic money habits that narcissists share, and how to deal with them:

1. They are secretive about their finances. In intimate relationships, this can include being vague about their money situation, like how much they make or have saved. By keeping you in the dark, they're able to make one-sided money decisions and control your perception of what you can afford as a couple or a family. They might say, "Let me be in charge of our finances so you don't have stress out over it." This dynamic can happen in business, too. A narcissistic co-founder might casually tell you: "Since you're the creative genius, I'll manage the boring money stuff."

What to do: If you don't feel confident about money matters, letting a partner handle it can be an appealing offer. But it can lead to serious repercussions. Your credit score, for example, can lapse if the bills aren't being paid on time. Always be involved and informed in any financial decision that affects you.

2. They are only generous with money in public. To narcissists, spending large amounts of money on others can be a way to get people to like them. They may be stingy in private, for example, but cover dinner for colleagues or give gifts just for show. This experience can be both isolating and frustrating for the person closest to the narcissist because the outside world's perception isn't the reality. Imagine a husband driving home after an expensive dinner with friends that he insisted on paying for, and then listening to him angrily talk about the "freeloading guests."

What to do: Having a self-serving narcissist in your life can be mentally exhausting. To stay sane in this relationship, get comfortable working through your feelings in a journal or with therapist. You might even find that the best solution is to set strict emotional boundaries, or exit the relationship altogether if they are unwilling to change.

3. They skimp on the essentials. Narcissists can be grandiose when it comes to self-serving, unnecessary spending (i.e., buying a designer watch they can't afford), but skimp on the essentials (i.e., food, health expenses, basic household items). As a result, those in an intimate relationship with them may have to quietly save money so they can take care of themselves. This is what I call the "narcissistic survival skim," and I see it all the time. As awful as it may be, it can feel much easier than having an argument with the narcissist. This behavior pattern is also prevalent in business. Think of a founder or CEO who barely pays their staff, but uses company funds to fly first class and book luxury hotels.

What to do: Given their self-serving mindset, it's difficult for narcissists to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others. If this dynamic is impacting your ability to put food on the table or effectively run a business, have an honest conversation with them. Then take a step back and reflect on whether the relationship is worth holding on to.

4. They are hypocritical. Narcissism and hypocrisy go hand in hand because hypocrisy is a form of entitlement. Most narcissists believe the rules don't apply to them, even though they are quick to enforce them on everyone else. This goes for many types of rules, including budgets. A narcissistic partner may spend freely on themselves and regularly blow your joint budget, then turn around and criticize you for spending more than they deem necessary. Imagine a colleague who constantly takes her direct reports to fancy dinners but criticizes you for occasionally eating out for lunch.

What to do: Based on my experience, calling a narcissist out is rarely productive; they will try to turn the focus to you. Keep records of inequitable or reckless spending in case you need that information for legal purposes down the road. And remember, you're entitled to your part of the budget. A narcissist's sense of financial fairness is usually out of sync with what's actually right.

5. They are punitive with money. Narcissists often use money as a tool for punishment. They may reward you financially when you do what they want, and then withhold money when they feel vindictive. This can feel unsafe, degrading and confusing. For example, they may plan a luxurious vacation for your birthday, and then after an argument will refuse to pay for essential expenses. You may even feel obligated to play their game just to keep the household or business running.

What to do: Be prepared for this dynamic and have some funds set aside for basic expenses. Knowing it is likely to happen will help you come up with strategy for managing — or exiting — the situation, instead of feeling blindsided.

Dr. Ramani Durvasula

Signs They Are a Somatic Narcissist

The narcissist label is thrown around a lot; generally, people use this term to describe someone who thinks a little too well of themselves while ignoring the needs and feelings of others. However, not all narcissists conform to the same pattern. There are many different types of narcissists. They are classified depending on what they focus or obsess about and how they behave towards others. Somatic Narcissist vs. Cerebral Narcissist

There are generally two types of narcissists when it comes to the focus of their narcissistic obsession: cerebral narcissists and somatic narcissists. Cerebral narcissists are mind-focused, while somatic narcissists are body-focused. It means that cerebral narcissists will attempt to generate their narcissistic supply by applying their minds. They will try to impress you with their intelligence, academic degrees, and career achievements. If you don’t know what narcissistic supply is, it’s just a fancy word for adoration, praise, and other bonuses a narcissist may want.

Somatic narcissists get their narcissistic supply by applying their bodies. They flaunt their bodies, flex their muscles, brag about the number of times other people hit on them — you get the idea. There is no pure cerebral or pure somatic narcissists — both types can be present in one person. However, usually, there is one predominant type, while the other type is lurking somewhere beneath the surface.

Somatic Personality and SSD vs. Somatic Narcissism

Before we dive into signs and symptoms, it is essential to mention that somatic narcissism is different from Somatic Symptom Disorder (SSD), which has nothing to do with narcissism. Sometimes SSD is also referred to as Somatic Personality Disorder, and someone who has SSD is also referred to as somatic personality. All these aren’t relevant and shouldn’t be confused with somatic narcissism.

Here are five somatic traits to look out for:

1. Excessive Concern About Their Appearance

Somatic narcissists take pride in their appearance, and they typically look great. They are well-polished, attractive, and fit. You will often find them in gyms, perhaps accompanied by other health freaks. This perfect appearance satisfies their need for external validation.

2. Vanity

Somatic narcissists — male or female — overspend on high-end clothing and designer products. They drive expensive cars and live in well-to-do neighborhoods. Just like everybody else, they may not be able to afford it. However, they will get into debts if that’s what it takes to have the image they desire to project.

3. Hypersexuality

Somatic narcissists use their sexuality as a tool to gain control in relationships and as proof of their desirability and status. They may brag about their contests and show off their bodies. Some of them may dress in revealing clothing, although this isn’t a rule. Female somatic narcissists particularly enjoy the idea of being “the other woman”, even in the presence of loving and committed partners.

4. Triangulation

Somatic narcissists triangulate their victims with their ex-partners or other romantic interests to elicit an emotional response from them — jealousy and emotional distress. In this case, their narcissistic supply is not only attention from multiple people but also the emotional suffering of their “main” victim.

5. Self-absorption

Somatic narcissists are wired to think in terms of their own needs and wants. They have a high sense of entitlement, and they expect things to go their way. They expect to receive love, support, and friendship without any effort on their part. In conversation, they tend to talk a lot about themselves, and if they listen at all, they listen to pounce on opportunities to turn the spotlight towards themselves.

Somatic Narcissists as Friends

Similarly to romantic relationships, in friendships — if that is even the word — narcissists idealize their victims in the beginning by flattering and complimenting them. Once the victim is hooked, the narcissist will subject them to covert abuse in the form of put-downs and backhanded compliments:

▪ You look good for your age.

▪ I love how you don’t care how you come across.

▪ You look so different without makeup!

▪ You look so great I didn’t even recognize you!

▪ You look great on Facebook / Instagram.



Somatic Narcissist and Aging

The game narcissists play can only run for so long, and this is especially true when it comes to the somatic type. Eventually, somatic narcissists age and lose their beauty, strength, and sexual appeal. Because they aren’t able to form healthy relationships with other people, they can end up alone — however, this isn’t a rule. Often they continue living with their old victims, but their hold on the victim weakens considerably. In terms of narcissistic supply, the relationship is much less satisfying for the narcissist.

As they age, somatic narcissists may begin to look increasingly ridiculous wearing age-inappropriate clothing. Their homes may be draped in wall-to-wall pictures of themselves. Their Facebook and Instagram feed overflowing with carefully edited selfies — both old and new. They could develop a taste for plastic surgery and facial fillers. They may bore their conversational partners with stories of their supposedly glorious past; heck, they may even write a memoir about it!

Masters of Varieties of Lies

“A lie is a handy tool the narcissist uses to enhance and protect the image he has so painstakingly built. Lies are automatic. They flow from him as effortlessly as sweat coming through pores… He (the narcissist) knows he can lie and get away with it…The narcissist insists that the way must be clear for him to move ahead…He looks you right in the eye and lies without hesitation…He is glib with his lies, he shades the truth or tells an outright lie.”

You cannot have a real relationship with someone who lies to you.

Those who are partnered with or married to a high level narcissist are constantly being lied to by their spouse or partner. High level narcissists are masters of deceit and take pride in their lies. They have developed this activity to a high art. Compartmentalization

The high level narcissist is highly secretive. He cannot be authentic, real or true. One of his devices is compartmentalization. He often leads a secret life It is not unusual for these individuals to have several “close” relationships going forward simultaneously. Being married doesn’t interfere with the high level narcissist’s straying to other partners. These individuals don’t have a well developed conscience and are known to give in to their libidinal proclivities. They rationalize about these behaviors and always can give themselves perfect excuses for their immoral behaviors.

For the high level narcissists the people around him are all part of his/her role as an exalted, highly entitled individual. The high level is the puppeteer who creates roles for those who share his world. The narcissist feels no guilt for these betrayals of trust. Lacking a moral compass, this kind of behavior is very easy for these individuals.

Re-writing history

High level narcissists are constantly revising their personal and work histories, resumes, family histories, academic and professional bona fides.

Double Downing on their Lies

High levels are completely shameless. They look deep you’re your eyes and lie directly to you. Narcissists develop the dark art of lying very early. Just think about it. If we didn’t have a conscience wouldn’t it be smoother and easier to tell clever untruths that increased your personal power and control and enlarged your gilded image.

Lies of omission

High level narcissists are outrageously cunning at their lies of omission. They leave out whole swaths of forbidden behaviors that they know will exasperate their partners, spouses, ex-spouses, children, business associates. It’s almost as if they can’t help themselves. They are driven by ego and their ever-present goals of reaching the highest summits of power, control and the fruits of their excessive greed. The high level narcissist does not change since this is a fixed personality disorder. For the narcissist the upside for him or her is utilizing their “talents” for mendacity to their advantage. Reaching the highest rungs of the ladder is what matters most to them.

You are different from the high level narcissist. You have a finely developed conscience; you don’t lie; you don’t deceive people. Your relationships are genuine and not used to control and overpower others. You are capable of deep empathy and are capable of putting yourself in the place of another with regard to their feelings, thoughts, intentions and the problems and issues that challenge them. Here’s to you, an individual of integrity, perseverance, spiritual vitality, traveling your unique pathways of transformation, evolution and creativity.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D., LMFT