What drives the narcissist’s compulsion to manipulate and control you
The pathological narcissist is disordered. As you will know by now, this plays out in a bunch of maladaptive behaviours, traits and beliefs. Entitlement, superiority, envy, omnipotence, grandiosity, insatiable hunger for attention, exploitative relationships…to name but a few. All of this is a façade. In the sense that pathological narcissists have fabricated a false-self constructed of these beliefs which plays out in the behaviours. They need the false-self to deny the reality of their real-selves which is fragile, weak, flawed and out of control. To maintain this fantasy world, they need supply. This being the hits of validation that their beliefs about their false-selves are reality rather than make believe. The addiction to confirming that their belief system is factual can never be satisfied because it is rooted in their psychological survival. Hence why they will roll out every trick in the book to get those hits of validation by manipulating and controlling you.
How manipulation and control show up in idealisation and devaluation
Let’s zoom in to the cycle of narcissistic abuse to illustrate how it works. During idealisation you are manipulated into handing over positive supply through love bombing. By virtue of believing you are in love, you naturally mirror back the adoration they shower you with. At the same time, the foundations to control you are also being built. Through love bombing your addiction to the pathological narcissist starts up, which is then exploited later in trauma bonding to fortify control further. When you devaluation sets in, the narc changes the focus of their manipulation. By this stage, you will have at some stage faltered in your job of feeding constant positive supply. And the reaction this causes for the narc incites moments when they glimpse their own ugliness. In an attempt to reverse the internal chaos this causes for them; the manipulation becomes 100% about control. Because if they can control you into handing over supply whether positive or negative in a way that reinforces those beliefs about their false-selves, then they feel safe.
Why the narcissist controls you through fear
This leads us to one of the biggest reasons you feel stuck in the relationship with the narc, despite the urgency of that thought ‘I must break free’. Fear. We’re going to set aside the concepts of positive supply, your addiction to the narc and trauma bonding in this piece. This is about negative supply, and the cost of this to you. I hardly need to tell you gorgeous one that negative supply is 95% of the devaluation phase of the cycle of narcissistic abuse. It is the psychological, emotional, mental and frequently also physical and sexual abuse you endure. It is therefore unsurprising that as the target of this horror, you experience resistance (as well as a multitude of other psychological reactions and injuries). This is problematic for the narc as it is diametrically opposed to the reinforcement they demand of you. After all, if they were truly beyond reproach, better than all others, all powerful, blah blah blah, – what’s to resist, right? You reacting in this way is a threat to them of experiencing a narcissistic injury. And this MUST be avoided at all costs. This is how it plays out…as the narc’s abuse increases, so too does your resistance. Aware that this is what’s happening within you, they escalate further their attempts to control you (whether directly or indirectly by manipulating your environment and other relationships) to get those hits of supply. You come to realise that if you do not comply, you will pay dearly. So, you submit. Despite not wanting to. Despite the harm it causes you. Despite hearing that little voice inside you begging you to resist. And you do it, because you are fearful of what might happen if you don’t. You are in effect surviving a fear constructed existence borne out of their manipulation and control.
Fear of what might happen
To be frank there is a lot to be fearful of. The abuse is horrendous…which leads me back to that thought ‘I must break free’. Because of the programming you’ve experienced to submit to the narcissist, you know what you are up against. And this when your mind turns to ‘but how’??? As you begin to explore how you can make your freedom a reality, you seek practical steps to make it happen. And with every step identified, so is a corresponding fear based on your knowledge of just what the pathological narcissist is capable of.
Common fears faced are:
The list goes on. These are without a doubt, significant and SCARY as hell. Engulfing, paralysing fear sets in. And based on what you know, entirely possible, perhaps even likely. Simultaneously you know you need to break free, quite literally to save yourself. It is one hell of an internal pressure cooker. What tends to happen is this. You struggle with the cognitive dissonance of wrestling this seemingly intractable problem. It is entirely overwhelming. And because you can’t logically determine a way to eradicate the possible challenges, you turn to yourself and try to adjust the urgency of the need to escape. This too proves a pickle to eliminate…which takes you to ‘I must first become strong and courageous. I must first overcome the fear. THEN I can set myself free’. This can keep you stuck for years. Do NOT let it.
Getting past your fear and leaving the narcissist
Tackling the belief: ‘I must first become strong and courageous. I must first overcome the fear’, is the key to leaving the narcissist. Let’s unpack this…
1. Dealing with the challenges practically I urge you to reach out for help in developing a safety plan with trained professionals to sort out how to mitigate possible scenarios. You don’t need to do this alone.
2. Dealing with ‘overcoming fear’ This is the thing to confront. Focus your sweet self here. All of us feel the fear. Because it is real. This is the abuse in action. Remember: the narcissist controls you through fear. Striving to get to the point where you have overcome your fear is futile. It will not happen. There will be costs to setting yourself free. Accept this and let it go. You have no choice in this. This is beyond your control. What is within your control is your life and the choice you must make to take the costs of leaving vs. the greater ones of staying. You must choose to either continue living with the narcissist knowing that the abuse escalates, and consequently so too does the harm done to you, with your fear intensifying proportionally. Or, walk straight through the fear towards a life that will be fear free in the longer term. It will be scary as hell. There will not be one thing about walking through the fear and out the door, that will be easy in the short term. But walking through that fear is the only way out.
3. Dealing with ‘becoming strong & courageous’ Set yourself free. Do it now. It will never become easier. The longer you wait, the harder it becomes because of that cycle of upping stakes and deepening fear. You’ve got to bite the bullet. And here is the secret. The moment you make the decision to save yourself knowing the fear cannot be overcome, strength and courage comes. The sheer act of deciding and committing 100% to saving yourself…no matter what…knowing it’s going be the hardest thing you have ever done…infuses you with strength and courage. Why? Because you are finally returning to your true-self. By hearing your urgency to set yourself free. By taking action for yourself. By backing yourself. It is the first true act of healing.
Making it happen
Hold tight to your decision to save yourself. Use these anchors when touchstones of truth are needed:
There’s another secret afoot…As you smash every barrier and hardship that rises up on your mission to set yourself free, you will realise how very fearless you are becoming. This is what you have to look forward to. A freedom like you’ve never previously known. ‘The only way out is through’. Make this your mantra. You’ve got this. Now get to it. Set yourself free.
