Finding a voice for male domestic abuse survivors - Written by Kevin Talbott

Domestic abuse is both a personal and professional issue for me. Having been on the receiving end of domestic abuse myself (including post-separation abuse), I understand that its impact can extend far beyond individual incidents, affecting emotional wellbeing, relationships and a person's sense of safety. More recently, I have also supported a male relative who faced barriers to being believed when dealing with the effects of domestic abuse. This personal and my professional experience reinforced my concerns about how difficult it can be for men to have their experiences recognised and understood. As a counsellor, I believe it is important to explore the experiences of male survivors with compassion, curiosity and an open mind. Recognising male victims does not diminish the experiences of women. Rather, it allows us to develop a more complete understanding of domestic abuse and the different ways it can affect people.

Understanding male domestic abuse

Domestic abuse is often discussed in ways that concentrate on women as victims and men as perpetrators. Although violence against women remains a serious issue, this framing can make it more difficult for male survivors to recognise their own experiences or feel confident seeking support

What does the research show?

The Office for National Statistics (ONS, 2025) estimated that approximately 1.5 million men and 2.2 million women aged 16 and over experienced domestic abuse in England and Wales in the year ending March 2025. Based on these rounded estimates, men represented approximately 39.5% of the estimated 3.8 million victims, compared with approximately 60.5% who were women.

These figures relate to domestic abuse overall, rather than exclusively abuse by a current or former partner. Nevertheless, they demonstrate why male victims must form part of conversations about domestic abuse, service provision and support. Statistics alone cannot tell us what it feels like to experience abuse, how difficult it can be to disclose it, or what happens when someone does not feel believed. Behind every figure is an individual with their own experiences, relationships, and circumstances.

Over the past two years, I have supported male survivors of domestic abuse, researched male domestic abuse, and attended support groups to deepen my understanding of men's experiences. Through this work, I have also come to know Jared Whitaker, a prolific author on male domestic abuse. He has spoken openly about experiencing abuse over a period of ten years, including an incident in which he describes being beaten so severely and then being arrested. His account has striking similarities to the experiences of Richard Spencer, featured in Channel 5's documentary My Wife, My Abuser. Getting to know Jared has further strengthened my commitment to understanding the challenges male survivors face and ensuring their experiences are heard and taken seriously.

When male survivors don't fit the expected picture

One of the difficulties male survivors may face is the perception that men should be able to protect themselves, leave an abusive relationship, or manage the situation without help. These assumptions can overlook the complex dynamics of abuse. A man may be physically stronger than his partner but still experience coercive control, threats, intimidation, emotional abuse, financial restrictions, or fear concerning his children.

Abuse is not determined by physical strength alone. It can involve a gradual erosion of confidence, independence, and a person's sense of reality. A survivor may begin questioning their own judgement, particularly if their experiences are repeatedly dismissed or minimised. We should look beyond assumptions about gender and consider each individual's circumstances. A person's sex, physical appearance, occupation or outward confidence cannot tell us whether they are experiencing abuse.

Gender bias and the barriers to seeking help

Research by Dr Tania Reynolds, a social psychologist with a PhD from Florida State University, and colleagues (2020) explored gender bias in perceptions of victimhood and perpetration. Their study examined how people may associate women more readily with victimhood and men more readily with perpetration in certain contexts. When a man discloses abuse, his account must be explored without automatically assuming that he must be the perpetrator. Equally, a female partner should not automatically be assumed to be abusive simply because a man reports being a victim. Each situation requires careful, balanced and individual assessment.

Why male survivors may struggle to seek help

There may be several reasons why a man struggles to disclose domestic abuse or access appropriate support. He may fear being ridiculed, not believed, or viewed as weak. He may worry that reporting the abuse will result in counter-allegations, that his concerns will be interpreted as evidence of his own aggression, or that speaking out could affect his relationship with his children. Some men may also feel ashamed that they have been unable to stop or fix the abuse. Others may not initially recognise their experiences as domestic abuse, particularly where the behaviour has developed gradually or has been presented as normal within the relationship.

My own experience of supporting a male relative reinforced how distressing it can be when someone feels that the barriers to being heard are almost as difficult to navigate as the situation itself. It made me reflect on the importance of listening carefully, taking disclosures seriously, and not allowing assumptions about gender to overshadow the person's account. It is important to give people a fair opportunity to explain their experiences, ensuring that concerns are taken seriously and assessed on their individual circumstances.

Recognising coercive control and emotional abuse

Domestic abuse is not always visible. Physical injuries may be absent, while the emotional and psychological consequences can be profound. Coercive control may involve monitoring, isolation, intimidation, humiliation, threats, financial control or the use of children and family relationships as a means of exerting pressure. These behaviours can gradually restrict a person's freedom and undermine their confidence. A man may continue working, supporting his family and appearing confident to others while privately experiencing fear, anxiety, or emotional exhaustion. Outward functioning should not be mistaken for an absence of distress.

In the therapy room, I believe it is important to explore how a person experiences their relationships, whether they feel safe expressing themselves, and whether they have the freedom to make decisions without fear of consequences. Questions about control, boundaries, isolation, and emotional safety can help build a fuller picture. They should be explored sensitively, at a pace that respects the client's readiness and individual circumstances.

How counselling can support male surviors

My personal experiences have strengthened my belief that people need space to tell their stories without feeling they must first prove that their suffering is legitimate. When working with a client, I want to understand what has brought them to therapy, how their experiences have affected them, and what support they feel would be helpful. I believe it is important to remain curious about the whole picture. This may include the client's history, relationships, attachment experiences, emotional responses, and the practical pressures they are facing.

For male survivors, this can mean exploring not only the abuse itself but also the consequences of feeling unable to speak openly about it. A client may have spent a long time managing the situation alone, minimising what happened or trying to maintain a sense of normality for their children. Therapy cannot change what happened, but it can offer an opportunity to explore the impact, rebuild confidence, and consider what safety, choice, and recovery might look like for that individual. I also recognise the importance of remaining aware of my own experiences. Personal understanding can contribute to empathy, but it should never replace professional reflection, appropriate boundaries, unconscious biases or a willingness to consider each client's unique circumstances.

How domestic abuse can continue after seperation

For some men, difficulties do not end when a relationship ends. They may continue to experience intimidation, harassment, religious abuse, financial pressure, or conflict involving parenting arrangements. Where children are involved, the situation can become particularly distressing. A father may be worried about his children's wellbeing while also fearing that raising concerns will be interpreted negatively or that he will lose contact with them, which is something I experienced for a short time. It is important not to assume that every dispute following separation is domestic abuse. Equally, it is important not to dismiss the possibility of abuse simply because the relationship has ended or because the concerns arise within a family or legal context.

Each situation needs careful consideration, with attention to the evidence, the wellbeing of the children, and the experiences of everyone involved.For counsellors, this means providing space for male clients to discuss their concerns without automatically taking sides. It also means recognising when additional specialist support, safeguarding action or appropriate professional advice may be needed.

Finding your voice and accessing support

I believe that improving support for male domestic abuse survivors requires us to listen to experiences that may not always receive sufficient attention. My personal experience of domestic abuse, together with supporting a male relative who encountered barriers to being believed, has reinforced my commitment to understanding the wider picture. These experiences have made me reflect on how we recognise distress, how we respond to disclosures and how gender expectations may influence the support available to people. As a counsellor, I want to contribute to a more informed conversation about male mental health, domestic abuse and the obstacles that can prevent men from seeking help. This includes considering how services respond to male survivors, how professionals understand coercive control and how we can ensure that men are treated with dignity and compassion.

This is not about competing over who suffers most. Nor is it about overlooking the experiences of female survivors. It is about ensuring that compassion and appropriate support are available to people who need them, regardless of gender. Every survivor deserves the opportunity to be heard, to have their experiences explored fairly and to receive support without shame or prejudice. Sometimes, the first step towards recovery is simply having the space to speak and feeling that someone is genuinely willing to listen.