Narcissists may appear with high energy, discuss wild plans for their future successes, and speak in embellished terms with exaggerated movements. They may believe that other people are failures because they do not live up to their expectations of jobs, money, cars, or houses. On the outside, they will seem confident, self-assured, and mentally healthy. Researchers and clinicians note significant differences in people with this disorder, which means not everyone with a narcissistic personality disorder diagnosis will act, think, or feel the same way.
What Is a Covert Narcissist?
Covert narcissists, or vulnerable narcissists as they are sometimes called, are emotionally fragile and sensitive to even limited amounts of perceived criticism. They appear highly stressed and worried about numerous concerns. In terms of interpersonal relationships, the covert narcissist will seem shy, reserved, and self-deprecating. They will compare and judge themselves against what other people have in terms of happiness, possessions, and relationships constantly.
Overt vs. Covert Narcissism
Where a covert narcissist does well to hide their problematic behaviors, thoughts, and feelings, overt narcissists boldly display the typical narcissistic qualities. They will be grandiose, demeaning, and demanding. The overt narcissists always present themselves as special, important, and entitled to get what they want regardless of the other person’s needs and wants. Their arrogance and self-importance will be within moments of starting a conversation with them. The covert narcissist will experience most of the same thoughts and feelings, but they will be less obvious with their expression of uniqueness. It may take friends and coworkers longer to notice the traits.
Some narcissists make it clear from first contact that they have narcissistic traits. Others, like the covert narcissists, will not present in ways stereotypical of standard narcissists, so you have to look deeper to know what and who they are dealing with. Here are eight signs of a covert narcissist:
1. An Outward Sense of Inferiority Whereas other narcissists seem to hit people over the head with their grandiosity and confidence, the covert narcissist has a presentation of uncertainty and self-doubt. They may let other people make the important choices for them because they report being indecisive and fear making a mistake. Since they constantly compare themselves to others, they may feel like they don’t stack up to friends (it’s incredibly difficult to stay friends with a narcissist), family, or coworkers in specific areas. A narcissist in the workplace may need constant reassurance and validation. They may be quick to compliment others for their successes, but instead of feeling happy for the person, they only feel bad for themselves.
2. Emotionally Fragile & Hypersensitive Due to an unstable self-esteem, people with covert narcissism are incredibly fragile and sensitive. If someone criticizes their work, family, or personality, the covert narcissist will respond with an extreme emotional reaction. They could be overly sad and despondent from even a minor comment. The opposite may be true as well with the narcissist experiencing a drastic positive mood change from an insignificant compliment. This comment could reinforce their desirable qualities or merely neutralize the latest perceived slight.
3. Highly Stressed & Angry The mood changes that come with being a covert narcissist will create a great deal of discomfort. With so much weight being assigned to each critique, the person will begin feeling very stressed and anxious as they stand by for the next comment. For them, stress commonly builds towards anger and aggression as negative feedback could enrage them. They may explode and take their anger out on others or harm themselves.
4. Chronically Envious The outward sense of inferiority experienced by a covert narcissist will lead to powerful and chronic envy of others. The narcissist will always focus on what other people have that they do not. If the covert narcissist has a four-bedroom house, they will want a five-bedroom house. When they get the bigger house, they will still be envious because someone will have a pool, a movie theater, or a bowling alley in their basement. Covert narcissists can be jealous or envious of almost anything, including:
No matter the area of envy, the covert narcissist will never be able to appreciate what they have. The focus will only be on what they are lacking.
5. Aimlessness Because they are so driven by jealousy and trying to chase after others’ achievements, the covert narcissist will appear aimless and misguided. Once they achieve something, they will not stop to celebrate their success; they will only look for a new conquest. Often, the new goal will be disconnected from the previous one, so to the outside observer, the covert narcissist is simply bouncing from one project or fixation to another with no clear path or plan. All the while, they never feel satisfied or assured in their direction.
6. Completely Self-Absorbed Whether covert or overt, the person with narcissistic personality disorder will be self-absorbed. They will only consider what is good for them and how they can get what they want. This self-centeredness leads to two outcomes:
8. Frequent Suicidality With the mood changes, fluctuations between feeling superior and being jealous, never feeling satisfied, and being unable to rely on other people, the condition can result in despair and suicidal ideation. Covert (vulnerable) narcissists will experience more depression, anxiety, non-suicidal self-injury, and suicide attempts than other people with narcissism.
