The basic mechanism is to deny that we have a right to a point of view at all. It goes like this. Perhaps you have questions or concerns and you are lied to or not given a straight answer. The narcissist will inevitably use multiple methods of deflection or you are told that the topic is off-limits. Or perhaps the narcissist says something inflammatory or picks a fight with you that you’ll never be able to win. You said or did something he or she didn’t like or the narcissist even made something up out of thin air. He or she then refuses to engage in a rational discussion with you about it and nothing you say seems to matter. They have their minds made up and you are left with no way to defend yourself. No matter who started the conversation, the narcissist doesn’t seem to care what you have to say and has no interest in coming to a mutually satisfying resolution.
Three very important things happen in these circular conversations:
For example, when a survivor tries to talk to a psychological abuser about their negative behaviors, a favorite maneuver of toxic people is to simply not reply… When a survivor asks why they didn’t reply, the toxic person will spin the situation and say something like, “I am not going to argue with you.” Can you see what just happened? The survivor was blamed for causing drama, or an argument, and the toxic person never addressed their behaviors.”
In just this one interaction, the narcissist has punished the partner with silence, accused the partner of being the source of issues within the relationship, and ignored the original concerns that the partner had about what the narcissist had been doing.
As the relationships go on, partners of narcissists learn to walk a line that language divides. Circular Conversations become the flashpoint for keeping the peace and yet adopting a pathological worldview in which we are to blame for causing problems by “talking,” yet the narcissist is not at fault for wrongdoing– or speaking up and being further shamed, threatened and abused.
1. Circular Conversations. You feel as if you’ve resolved something in the conversation, and then a few minutes later you’re talking about it again as if the narcissist didn’t hear any of the arguments you made. They argue their own same points again and again as if they’re in their own reality where they can’t hear you or your words don’t register. These circular conversations devastate you.
2. Bringing Up Your Past Wrongdoings and Ignoring Their Own. If you mention any of their bad behaviour, they will bring up something you have done to distract you and put you on the defensive.
3. Condescending and Patronizing Tone. They will remain calm during the conversation, however, you will get increasingly confused and bewildered as they refuse to entertain your words or acknowledge what you’re saying. When you react, they respond as if you’re being unreasonable and use your reaction against you as an escalation.
4. Accusing You of Doing Things That They Themselves Are Doing. As the conversation starts to escalate, the narcissist will start to project their bad behavior onto you.
5. Multiple Personas The narcissist will use a variety of tactics and show a variety of sides. You may see anger and insults, tenderness, or they may play the victim card. All of these tactics, regardless of whether they are friendly, neutral or hostile, are all serving the interests of the narcissist, even if the narcissist is appearing conciliatory.
6. The Eternal Victim The narcissist will often offer reasons for their behavior that lead back to horrible treatment in their own pasts.
7. You Begin Explaining Basic Human Emotions You may find yourself having to describe how doing the things they have done hurt you and why, and the basic foundations of a relationship like respect and honesty. You think if you can communicate these things, they will stop.
8. Excuses The narcissist almost always blames others for the things they do or makes other excuses. They may blame alcohol, their youth, unfair or biased treatment from others, or other reasons, but they will not and cannot just own up to what they have done, express genuine remorse and correct course.
9. “What in the World Just Happened?” You leave the circular conversations feeling drained and as if nothing was accomplished, or as if you accepted a mediocre answer or you are being diminished as the time goes on because you can’t seem to get anything resolved.
Why Narcissists Never Give You What You Want in Circular Conversations
When we as non-narcissists have these conversations about events with narcissists, we are attempting to align our narratives with them to settle on a version of reality that mirrors what we have experienced. For example, we may wish to have the narcissist acknowledge something or apologize or stop doing something. This is what happens when two non-narcissists have conversations–they are attempting to come to an agreement. The victim does not know that they are in a romantic entanglement with a narcissist… Both have entirely different aims.
Narcissists have no interest in coming to a resolution that benefits both people, because:
If you asked a question, the narcissist will use deflection tactics hoping that you will end the conversation. Those tactics often won’t work because they don’t align with your reality or achieve the goals of the conversation you set out to achieve. The narcissist is not agreeing to anything you’re saying or asking, and instead, is having crazymaking verbal interactions with you.
Even when the narcissist’s aims are achieved and they halt the manipulation, the victim still understandably believing the matter to be unresolved, keeps going. This causes the narcissist to respond to the challenge and then the narcissist sees the victim as maintaining an argument unnecessarily.
Narcissists, not interested in our goals as non-narcissists within the conversation, will then find a way to end it, usually by stonewalling or even leaving. Circular Conversations with narcissists are like being in a maze where you try to stay on the right path toward the exit, however, the narcissist constantly drags you down one more dead-end hoping you’ll get lost and give up.
Red Flags Revisited: A Look at How They Use Language to Manipulate
You can’t get what you need out of conversations with narcissists, and this fact is an overt, non-ambiguous cornerstone of how they manipulate. This is why seven out of the first eleven Red Flags of Toxic People are centred around the deflection techniques they use in circular conversations with them.
1. Gaslighting and Crazymaking. They blatantly deny their own manipulative behavior and ignore evidence when confronted with it. They become dismissive and critical if you attempt to disprove their fabrications with facts. Instead of them actually addressing their inappropriate behavior, somehow it always becomes your fault for being ‘sensitive’ and ‘crazy.’ Toxic people condition you to believe that the problem isn’t the abuse itself, but instead your reactions to their abuse.
2. Cannot Put Themselves in Your Shoes or Anyone Else’s For That Matter. You find yourself desperately trying to explain how they might feel if you were treating them this way, and they just stare at you blankly. You slowly learn not to communicate your feelings with them, because you’re usually met with silence or annoyance.
3. Pathological Lying and Excuses. There is always an excuse for everything, even things that don’t require excusing. They make up lies faster than you can question them. They constantly blame others–it is never their fault. They spend more time rationalizing their behavior than improving it. Even when caught in a lie, they express no remorse or embarrassment. Oftentimes, it almost seems as if they wanted you to catch them.
4. Focuses on Your Mistakes and Ignores Your Own. If they’re two hours late, don’t forget that you were once five minutes late to your first date. If you point out their inappropriate behaviour, they will always be quick to turn the conversation back on you. You might begin to adopt perfectionistic qualities, very aware that any mistake can and will be used against you.
5. You Find Yourself Explaining the Basic Elements of Human Respect to a Full-Grown Man or Woman. Normal people understand fundamental concepts like honesty and kindness. Psychopaths often appear to be childlike and innocent, but don’t let this mask fool you. No adult should need to be told how he or she is making other people feel.
6. Accuses You of Feeling Emotions That They Are Intentionally Provoking. They call you jealous or controlling after blatantly flirting with an ex–often done over social networking for the entire world to see, or new supply.. They call you needy after intentionally ignoring you for days on end. They use your manufactured reactions to garner sympathy from other targets, trying to prove how ‘hysterical’ you’ve become. You probably once considered yourself to be an exceptionally easygoing person, but an encounter with a psychopath will (temporarily) turn that notion upside down.
7. You Fear That Any Fight Could Be Your Last. Normal couples argue to resolve issues, but psychopaths make it clear that negative conversations will jeopardize the relationship, especially ones regarding their behaviour. Any of your attempts to improve communication will typically result in the silent treatment. You apologize and forgive quickly, otherwise, you know they’ll lose interest in you.
These circular conversations and techniques they use to avoid reaching a resolution with you provide the clues that tell you that they do not care about your feelings in the conversation. They are not empathetic to your point of view or what you need to get out of the conversation in order to feel heard or understood.
They should tell you exactly who you are dealing with: someone whose intentions in those circular conversations –and their underlying intentions overall– are not aligned with yours.
