Chronic Boundary Violations Are Abuse
A victim will often work for years, praying, learning, and trying to supposedly communicate better in the hopes of improving their so-called relationship challenges. This is especially true when children are involved as children are often an added incentive to make the relationship work. The problem is that repeated disregard for a victim’s boundaries is not a relationship issue—it’s an abuse issue. A narcissist will often weaponize boundaries by using them like a tool of abuse to violate what a victim values most. When a victim reveals what their boundaries are, this almost empowers a narcissist with the exact roadmap of areas to disregard, disrespect, and violate in order to inflict the most damage. Their abuser never had any intention of respecting their boundaries. But a victim cannot usually see this until enough damage has been done.
When Boundaries Become Weaponized
Boundaries can become dangerous when a narcissist purposely weaponizes them to provoke, threaten, control, and intimidate their victim into backing down. A narcissist will often either act out overtly by unleashing a whirlwind of narcissistic rage or act out covertly by playing the victim. If a narcissist can’t intentionally provoke a victim to react to having their boundaries violated, they will usually explode in a flood of narcistic rage, sometimes even resorting to other forms of violence.
Some overt ways a narcissist may react to boundaries
Some covert ways a narcissist may react to boundaries
Boundaries in the Midst of Narcissistic Abuse
Be Clear About Your Boundaries A victim needs to first be clear on what their boundaries are—what is important to them—before trying to communicate that to others. If a victim is not clear on their boundaries, how can others understand them? In addition, if a victim is not clear on their boundaries, they can often easily be swayed as unclear boundaries are difficult to enforce. This is especially true when communicating boundaries to a narcissist who is usually committed to purposely misunderstanding the victim and is not interested in respecting boundaries.
Determine Your Non-negotiable Boundaries A victim also needs to not only identify their boundaries but to choose carefully the boundaries they feel safe disclosing, knowing that their boundaries will most likely not be respected and possibly even weaponized. By choosing their highest priorities, a victim can stay focused on areas most important to them. It’s not wise to fight every battle, so identifying non-negotiable boundaries and preparing ahead of time can be helpful in diffusing battles that are not worth a victim’s time and energy.
Here are some ways to help clarify non-negotiable boundaries:
Decide Consequences before Boundaries Are Violated In a relationship with a narcissist, it’s usually not if boundaries will be violated but when they will be violated. Stress can often be diluted when a victim has a follow-up plan or a pre-determined list of consequences for when their boundaries are crossed. A follow-up plan can help a victim stay clear on their intent so that they follow through with consequences when necessary.
Practice Boundaries First in Safe Relationships A victim of abuse must not only clarify and establish personal boundaries but must also establish a safety plan to protect themselves in the face of almost guaranteed backlash from their abuser. It is often helpful for a victim to prepare themselves for the likely abuse that may follow boundary-setting by practicing first in safe relationships. While a victim can’t control their abuser’s reactions, they can choose how they will respond. The practice of enforcing boundaries ahead of time with themselves, with other safe people, or even with a counselor can help a victim grow in their confidence. Following a roadmap or grid can help mitigate reacting to narcissistic provocation.
Practicing boundaries might look like
Communicate Boundaries and Consequences When communicating boundaries and consequences to a narcissist, it can often help to state them clearly, calmly, and consistently. Calmly sticking to facts without overexplaining can often protect a victim from being baited into an argument. A narcissist doesn’t have to agree with what a victim values, but they do need to know the consequences for not honoring what is most important to the victim. When a victim puts these requests in writing, others cannot twist what they’ve shared. The narcissist can no longer claim they didn’t know or that they forgot about the boundaries.
Follow Through with Consequences Once the victim has written down the boundaries, they can then note boundary violations and responses by the narcissist, which can help a victim be aware of their weak spots. It can be hard to repeatedly set the same boundary with a narcissist who isn’t intent on honoring them, so a victim can easily become inconsistent in their boundaries or even give up. Keeping a written record can help bring clarity as to what is happening and strengthen the victim’s resolve to not only hold their boundaries but to follow through with consequences. Failure to follow through with consequences usually only encourages a narcissist to continue crossing boundaries as they know there will be little to no repercussions. A narcissist often believes that if a victim puts up with mistreatment, then they deserve it.
Dealing with a Chronic Boundary Violator A victim may need to accept that their boundaries won’t be respected. This can be a difficult but necessary truth to face. A victim may also need to decide whether they want to continue to have a relationship with someone who doesn’t truly love or respect them. They can’t change someone else’s behavior, but a victim can choose to accept it or to disengage.
Setting Boundaries when It’s Unsafe Setting and enforcing boundaries in an abusive relationship can often be fraught with a sense of impending doom as repercussions are almost sure to follow. While a victim cannot prevent reactions from their abuser, they can choose how to navigate boundaries and take care of themselves in the midst of abuse. Below are a few ways a victim can establish safety when setting boundaries is unsafe.
Ways to establish safety when setting boundaries is unsafe
Consider Limiting Contact or even Going No Contact If all other options have been exhausted, sometimes the best way to deal with a chronic boundary violator is to limit, separate, or sometimes even end all contact. A victim of abuse needs to know if their husband is hurting them; they do not need permission from others to put distance between them and their abuser. Limited or no contact isn’t intended to punish or manipulate—it’s a form of self-care. If someone is being hurt physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually, they deserve to protect themselves to put some distance in the relationship.
