Unfortunately narcissistic abuse trespasses into our free will as the malignant narcissist attempts to 'program' you to do, be, think, feel, react and/or suppress pieces of yourself according to what suits THEM.
You can feel happy and talented.... as long as they can take credit for it. You cannot feel sad or upset no matter what kind of treatment you undergo - they need you to convince others that they are 'perfect' and can do no wrong. And when your emotional dysregulation bleeds out into the public eye due to the abuse, well - it has nothing to do with THEM but rather it is because YOU have 'issues' and are to blame for your apparent inability to handle their abuse. (The nerve of you!)
There is nothing worse than for a child to be born into a family where his/her authenticity is a crime. It's bad enough to have to face this kind of behavior in adult romantic relationships or work relationships, but a child born into these dynamics suffers daily and their suffering is hidden in plain sight by the charismatic narcissist.
A child that undergoes hidden emotional and psychological manipulation never feels safe and never has the opportunity to TELL anyone that they aren't safe - speaking truth would be too dangerous. So their subconscious mind and their limbic network - the alarm systems of the brain and the autonomic nervous system - kick on in an attempt to keep the child ..... alive.
Happiness is tossed aside as survival is the only thing that matters at the moment. In an effort to help the child survive, the brain develops coping skills that delete, divorce and train the child to do, be, think, feel, react and/or suppress anything that will help lessen the anger, rage, abandonment and pain that comes with living with a malignant narcissistic parent.
These behaviors create deep rooted, conditioned behaviors. The brain attempts to suppress the pain, the abandonment, the fear, the lack of safety - because quite frankly these emotions are too overwhelming for the child. Disconnection and suppression are chosen as the lessor of the two evils - denying the truth vs. acknowledging the truth that the individuals that are supposed to care for you and love you ..... don't.
But out of sight - does not mean out of mind. The fact that our brain suppresses what is too overwhelming to handle - does not mean that the suppressed emotions, fears and memories go away. Rather it means that what is suppressed is stuck in the subconscious mind and as a result our brain is living as if those fears and threats are still imminent whether we are still with the toxic narcissists ..... or not.
Those suppressed emotions are constantly being woken up in our present life and have the ability to wreak havoc on present day relationships. We may outgrow our clothes as we get older - but our subconscious programs as well as anything that the subconscious mind has suppressed - stays in tact. We don't outgrow those subconscious programs nor do they morph into 'better' more empowering programs..... at least not until we take the time to heal it and work through it.
Understanding this is the first step in recovery. We cannot heal what is in our subconscious via our subconscious and/or unconscious mind - we can only heal it by first bringing it into our conscious awareness.
Remember, if you are struggling to work through the side effects of narcissistic abuse and/or childhood trauma, please contact your local counselling service/therapist/support group. You are not alone.
