Narcissists can be hard to spot because they tend to put a lot of energy and effort into maintaining their reputation and appearing normal, but it’s especially difficult to recognize NPD in the people closest to us. Parents with NPD tend to be skilled at using narcissistic phrases that twist reality in ways that cause their children to doubt themselves and their perception, often portraying themselves as loving, concerned parents.
While not everyone will have the same experience, here are ten signs that you were raised by a narcissist:
1. Their Love for You Was Conditional One of the most common signs of being raised by narcissists is feeling unloved, and that it was your fault because you did or did not do something the right way. This is called “conditional love” because there are certain conditions that have to be met in order to receive it. Conditional love is common in abusive homes, and has devastating long-term effects on children. When the parent is narcissistic, the conditions for love usually revolve around the emotional needs and self-esteem of the parent. When the child makes the parent feel good about themselves, important, or special, narcissistic parents will often show love and affection towards their child. When the parent feels bad about themselves or the child did or did not do something expected of them, the parent may ignore them, be cruel to them, or even become abusive.
2. Somehow, It Was Always About Them People with NPD have a way of always making a situation about them. Their tendency to make things about them may have meant that you felt unheard, unseen, and invisible. Even during moments that were supposed to be about you (i.e. your birthday, graduation, etc.), your parent may have found a way to make themselves the center of attention.
Some examples of how narcissistic parents make everything about themselves are:
3. You Didn’t Know What Was Real & What You Imagined Another sign you were raised by narcissists is experiencing self-doubt. Narcissists are often skilled at gaslighting, which is the abusive tactic of twisting and distorting the truth in ways that can make a person question and doubt reality. Over time, this causes children to doubt themselves and their reality, even making them wonder if they are imagining things or going crazy.
Some examples of narcissistic gaslighting include:
4. You Weren’t Allowed to State Your Feelings or Needs If you felt like it wasn’t ok for you to tell your parent how you felt or what you wanted or needed growing up, it may be an indication that your parent has NPD. Children of narcissists learn early that the things they feel, want, and need don’t matter to their parent, and learn to keep these to themselves. Sometimes, children raised by narcissists struggle to even identify how they feel or what they want or need, as they’ve become so used to repressing these inner feelings, wants and needs. This can continue into adulthood, causing them to feel uncertain about who they are, what they like and don’t like, or to have a hard time making their own decisions.
5. You Witnessed Their Victims Narcissists don’t have the capacity to have healthy, mutual relationships where they attend to the feelings and needs of other people. This is why most narcissists have a pattern of unhealthy or broken relationships. Severe narcissists often have a long list of people who they used and then discarded when they were done with them. Even if your parent was able to maintain their relationships with other people, you probably witnessed times when they:
6. You Worried (a Lot) About Displeasing Them It’s normal for a child to want to please their parent, but if you had a parent with NPD, you might have lived in fear of displeasing your parent. Often, this fear came from seeing what happened to others who upset them and also experiencing it firsthand. Many children of parents with NPD go to great lengths to please their parents, with limited success. This is because what it takes to please their parent one day might change the next, meaning that children of narcissists often live in a state of constant stress and fear. The punishments you received might have also varied widely depending on what mood your parent was in, leaving you constantly guessing.
7. Their Reputation Was Your Responsibility Because narcissists are so dependent on the validation, recognition, and admiration of others, their children are expected to help them maintain a perfect appearance. As Dr. Campbell notes, “the child can become an extension of the narcissistic parents’ ego,” which often includes helping the parent maintain a certain image or reputation.
Some of the ways you may have been expected to protect your parent’s image include:
8. They Expected You to Always Agree With Them Because narcissists have very fragile egos, having a different opinion, belief, or idea can be seen as a threat. Children of narcissists are often denied the right to have their own feelings, beliefs, or opinions, and also aren’t allowed to make their own choices. If your parent hated someone, you may have also been expected to hate that person too, or if they had an opinion, they needed you to second it. In times when you didn’t, you may have paid the price. Your parent may have become cold, cruel, or even abusive towards you for disagreeing with them.
9. They Were Hot & Cold Because narcissists rely on other people for their validation, they are often just as skilled at reeling people in as they are at spitting them out. “Love bombing” is one of the common terms used to describe ways someone with NPD draws people close to them, and involves showing a lot of affection, care, and concern for someone to get close to them. Unfortunately, this often doesn’t last, and usually ends with either an anger outburst, the silent treatment, or another emotionally abusive form of punishment. If you had a parent with NPD, you have probably experienced both the love bombing and the emotional neglect or abuse that followed it. This may have confused you as a child, causing you to feel like if you “just tried harder” they would treat you better.
10. They Did No Wrong At the core of NPD is a deep sense of shame and inadequacy, and most of the symptoms of the disorder function to protect the person from it. This includes their defenses of blaming other people, lashing out, denying their mistakes, and needing to maintain a perfect appearance. Unfortunately, this means that most parents with NPD will not admit that they did anything wrong, including not being willing to acknowledge some of their shortcomings as parents. If you had a narcissistic parent, you may have been blamed for many things that weren’t really your fault. If you ever tried to confront your parent about ways they mistreated you, you probably did not get the apology you wanted from them.
